Two-Page Tales

By The Writers in Paradise

It was the summer of 2020. We were three months into our first COVID-19 lockdown and, like many others, were struggling with the emotional challenges of a prolonged public health emergency.

 

For us, one way that struggle made itself known was an inability to write. Stress and uncertainty dampened our creative spirits.

 

We needed to change things up. We needed to find the joy of writing again. We needed to write something short and sweet. Something we could whip up over a G&T on the back deck.

 

Something that would relieve some of the pandemic tension.

 

"Let's kill someone," one of us suggested.

 

And Two-Page Tales was born.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Shoestring House
• Release date: Dec 1, 2022
• ISBN: 9781989001141

Book preview

Writers in Paradise:

Julie Bragdon

Cynthia Carpenter

Dave Davis

Linda Helson

Aliza Prodaniuk

JS Veter

Copyright © 2022 by Writers in Paradise

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Cover art by Julie Bragdon

First Printing, 2022

ISBN 978-1-989001-14-1

Shoestring House

85 Creighton Road

Dundas, Ontario, L9H 3B7

All proceeds from the sale of Two-Page Tales will be donated to Routes Youth Centre in Dundas, Ontario.

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The mission of Routes Youth Centre (Routes) is to provide a safer place for Dundas and area youth, aged 8-19, to gather and to provide programs in a caring social environment conducive to building healthy relationships. In fulfilling its mission, Routes provides free drop-in services and informal programs focused on supporting youth mental health, healthy lifestyles and personal growth. Routes provides programs that encourage volunteerism, community engagement, employment skills and youth leadership. Routes staff and volunteers encourage the personal development of young persons, through the engagement of youth themselves, their families and other community supports. Routes contributes to a healthy and supportive community by sharing our expertise, advocating for youth needs and participating in broader community initiatives.—https://www.routesyouthcentre.ca/

Land Acknowledgement

We recognize and acknowledge that we meet and write together on the traditional territories of the Anishinabewaki, Attiwonderonk (Neutral), Mississaugas and Haudenosaunee nations. The land we thrive on is covered by the Between the Lakes Purchase, 1792, between the Crown and the Mississaugas of the Credit First Nation. Dundas is protected by the Dish With One Spoon wampum belt covenant, a 12th-Century agreement between the Anishinaabe, Mississaugas and Haudenosaunee to peaceably share and care for the resources around the Great Lakes. Subsequent Indigenous Nations and Peoples, Europeans and all newcomers have been invited into this treaty in the spirit of peace, friendship and respect.

Niawen’kó:wa.

An Explanation

It was the summer of 2020. We were three months into our first COVID-19 lockdown and, like many others, were struggling with the emotional challenges of a prolonged public health emergency.

For us, one way that struggle made itself known was an inability to write. Stress and uncertainty dampened our creative spirits.

We needed to change things up. We needed to find the joy of writing again. We needed to write something short and sweet. Something we could whip up over a G&T on the back deck.

Something that would relieve some of the pandemic tension.

Let’s kill someone, one of us suggested.

And Two-Page Tales was born.

Table of Contents

Introduction by Anne Bokma

Kill Someone

The Unexpected Whale by Aliza Prodaniuk

Fertilizer for the Roses by Julie Bragdon

The Warehouse by Dave Davis

Crow Takes a Bet by JS Veter

Decisions, Decisions by Linda Helson

Food

Poolish by JS Veter

The Case of the Bad Bacon by Aliza Prodaniuk

Waffle by Linda Helson

Whining About Wining by Dave Davis

Ghost Story

Crackerjack by Cynthia Carpenter

There and Not There by Dave Davis

Thump by Julie Bragdon

Through the Window by Linda Helson

Pegman by Aliza Prodaniuk

Slip by JS Veter

Historical Fiction

Fraeswael by JS Veter

Resistance by Julie Bragdon

Abandoned by Linda Helson

Fact and Fiction by Aliza Prodaniuk

The File by Dave Davis

Magical Realism

The Seed by Julie Bragdon

Little Gods by JS Veter

The Razing of Brandon House by Linda Helson

Almost Perfect by Dave Davis

Comedy

The Haircut by Dave Davis

A Day Out by JS Veter

End Of An Era: Denny’s Closes For Good After Date Gone Wrong by Aliza Prodaniuk

Mermaid by Linda Helson

Science Fiction

Amazon Time by Aliza Prodaniuk

When Worlds Meet by Dave Davis

Roseville by Linda Helson

Cargo by Julie Bragdon

Into The Woods by JS Veter

The Poetry of Death by Cynthia Carpenter

Romance

Tailor Made by JS Veter

Internet Lover by Aliza Prodaniuk

A Fine Romance by Linda Helson

The Polo Club by Julie Bragdon

The Waiting Room by Dave Davis

I Am Red by Cynthia Carpenter

Horror

Ghost Music by Linda Helson

Final Exit by JS Veter

Black is the New Orange by Dave Davis

The Last Call by Aliza Prodaniuk

Fright Parade by Julie Bragdon

Memoir

Lost by Linda Helson

Taiko-dai Festival by JS Veter

Winter Rose by Aliza Prodaniuk

The Endless Scrabble Game by Dave Davis

Introduction

A short story is a love affair, a novel is a marriage, says the American writer, Lorrie Moore.

Welcome to this literary dalliance then, a lively romp through fifty tales that will leave you satiated and yet, at the same time, wanting more.

Short is all the rage these days. Short story and essay collections continue to top the bestseller lists. Storytelling events like The Moth and (shameless plug here) the Six-Minute Memoir, which I host in the city of Hamilton, have become spiritual gatherings of a sort—a place where people can reveal the secret stories that make us oh so human. There’s even the Six-Word-Memoir, a global phenomenon that encourages people to share their life stories in six words. It’s based on the legend of Ernest Hemingway once being challenged to write a story in only six words. His response? For sale: baby shoes, never worn.

Which all goes to prove that short can be powerful. Short can pack a punch. Short can stay with you.

Writers know that it often takes a lot more effort and creativity to write short than long. Every word must be carefully considered and chosen. There’s no room for excess, no room for long-winded dialogue or inflated descriptions.

The beauty of short story collections is that we can pick them up, read a piece, put it down and pick it back up and have a fresh new start. We never have to worry about where we left off the way we do with a novel. Collections allow us to enjoy a variety of voices in one book. And, let’s face it—another reason we probably love short these days is because our attention spans are withering and waning, thanks to cell phones, social media and Google. Novels have become a commitment while the short story, well, as Moore reminds us, offers a lovely interlude.

The six contributors to this collection, friends and writing partners who came together through various local writing groups, offer up a smorgasbord of literary treats, laying out various platters to whet your appetite—from humour to horror, memoir to magic realism. And just like the very best buffets, there’s something for everyone. Short and satisfying, they take about five minutes each to read, though it’s obvious the writers have spent much, much more time than that crafting and honing these tales, offering them up to the reader—to you—as an offering of sorts. Take, eat, read. Fill yourself up.

They may be quick reads but several of these stories will stay with you for a long time to come. That’s been true for me. In Decisions, Decisions, Linda Helson considers the plight of her narrator: Caroline Ackling sat in Grupetto’s Café and considered her options. On the one hand there was divorce, on the other endurance. But then there was that tantalizing third option – murder... What’s not to love about an opening like that?

Dave Davis’s The Warehouse starts innocently enough with a boy being dragged by his mother to the library. She insists he dress up to go to this place of learning, even as the neighbour kids taunt him with cries of faggot. It’s with increasing horror that we realize the young boy morphs into a man who is one of the most famous murderers in history.

Many stories in this collection are like this—they begin simply and then lead you down a winding path where you end up in a much different place than you expected to be. They’re a lot like life in that regard. Some of these stories are challenging, some a little obtuse, some horrific, some confessional, some delightful and some surprising.

And, like a grand love affair, a few might even leave you a little breathless.

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Anne Bokma

Hamilton, 2022

https://www.annebokma.com/

Kill Someone

The Unexpected Whale

Aliza Prodaniuk

Iris Gorfinkle glared at the screaming toddler. Its parents, who Iris thought looked more like brother and sister than lovers, didn't notice. They were busy bickering over where they'd left the diaper bag as if it was possible to lose it on such a small boat.

Iris couldn't understand why anyone would bring human offspring under the age of fifteen on a whale-watching tour. Whale watching was too expensive, especially given the uncertainty of seeing a whale, to have the experience ruined by The Scream.

For fuck sake, do something! yelled a man who had introduced himself as Larry from Minnesota when they'd first boarded. His wife, Tammy, and their two age-appropriate children huddled beside him with the drawstrings of their jackets pulled tight around their faces against the wind and rain.

The only other passengers, an elderly couple from Quebec, the Dubois, and the tour guide, who'd given up trying to talk over the child half an hour ago, shifted uncomfortably in their seats.

Mind your own business, said the child's father.

My husband misplaced the diaper bag, said the child's mother apologetically.

Oh, it's my fault, right? He threw his hands up in the air.

Don't do this here, the mother said. Grant!

Grant pushed his way past Iris and stalked to the back of the boat. That’s when Tammy from Minnesota noticed the whales.

Look! Tammy yelled.

Everyone rushed to one side of the boat to see a pod of orcas break through the surface of the water. For a time, everyone forgot about the baby, Grant, and the missing diaper bag.

Iris tilted her face to the sky, letting her hand dangle languidly over the boat's side and play in the water below.

Something grazed against Iris's fingers, and she instinctively grabbed it.

Was it a fish? Could I possibly have caught a fish by hand? Iris thought.

Iris hooked firmly behind the hard ridge of bone she could now so easily feel.

I've caught something! she exclaimed to M. Dubois, who dozed beside her. He scratched his round stomach sleepily and looked over the boat's side, his eyes growing suddenly dark. Mme. Dubois, glancing at what her husband had seen in the water, gasped and clutched at her heart where a single pendant cross hung.

Everyone on the small watercraft, aside from M. and Mme. Dubois, rushed from one side of the small boat where they had been taking selfies with the orcas to the other. Iris could now feel the dead weight of the fish dragging her arm downwards.

It must be huge. Iris thought. Whatever it was, it was not putting up much of a fight. She leaned over the side of the boat, careful to keep a tight grip on the fish's mouth.

A bright spot, and a larger dark spot, appeared below the dark green surface. Iris pulled it in for closer inspection. It was the head of the demon child's father, with the body still attached. A plume of red was streaming from the back of his head. Iris's fingers were inserted firmly into Grant’s open mouth, locked behind his upper teeth, her nails digging into his fleshy pallet.

Has anyone seen my husband? Grant's wife asked just then. She stood a few feet away, bouncing her inconsolable child on her hip. I can't find him.

Everyone stared at her until she noticed what Iris was holding. The woman screamed and fell backward into the arms of the blushing Larry from Minnesota, who narrowly missed catching the baby.

Meurtre! M. Dubois yelled.

That was one piece of French that Iris didn't need to reach for a French-English dictionary to understand. For M. Dubois