Taking It To The Cleaners

By Montgomery Quinn

 

People are complicated.

The dead are not.

I guess that's how I ended up working as a mortician.

When a corpse sits up and starts a conversation with me, I'm utterly convinced I'm hallucinating. Right up until the corpse invites me for a drink and walks out the front door.

Sucked into an endless black, void, later, and I'm in a strange world, with strange creatures with a strange appetite. And that corpse?

Well even the gods get bored sometimes... And I couldn't be happier.

Contains violence, gore, cannibalism, the desecration of multiple corpses, disrespect for vampire ashes, MF, MFF and a flair of romance between an undead man, and his undead lovers.

Mind the front door!

 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Montgomery Quinn
• Release date: Dec 10, 2022
• ISBN: 9798215888438

Book preview

CHAPTER 1

Ilet out a soft sigh. She was beautiful. Despite her intestines being on the outside of her body, and the smell bad enough to make me gag. How someone could do this to another person was beyond me. But, that’s why I was paid the big dollars. Someone loved this woman, and they wanted her to look her best for the viewing. So I did my best. Draining the bodily fluids from her corpse, I started putting what was on the outside back in again. I could only guess on the cause of death, they did not give me that information. It wasn’t relevant to the job.

Maybe I should explain a little. Hi! I’m Paul Clarus. Friendly neighbourhood undertaker. I’d give you the name of my newest friend, but that would be against our confidentiality agreement. So I’ll just go ahead and assure you that in life, she would have been a magnet for the eye. In death… Well… For me at least, the dead were easier to get along with.

Is that true, huh?

Yeah, I nodded before closing my eyes. I left the cap off the formaldehyde, didn’t I?

Uhhh…. Actually yeah, hold on.

I listened to the sound of a cadaver get up off the table, followed closely by the sound of a cap snapping shut.

There we go. Now you won’t be inhaling any of those nasty chemicals by mistake. We wouldn’t want you hallucinating now.

I turned and looked at the… man… hmmm. Pale, sunken skin. His eyes were filled with maggots. Last I saw, I’d gently tucked him in and pushed him into cold storage. And yet there he was, grinning toothily at me. This hadn’t been the first time I’d hallucinated a corpse talking to me. Hell, this isn’t even the first time I’d had one sit up before. The body does strange things at various points of decomposition. And I don’t mean that horror trope where they just spring off the table. As gases expand and contract within the… Y’know what, I’ll just leave it there for now.

You don’t look all that surprised to see me, the corpse grinned.

I shrugged and turned back to the woman before me. I figure you’re not real. And I have a job to do.

That sort of thing doesn’t bother you?

I frowned as I finished running the stitches along her belly. All that was left was to clean, dress, and apply makeup.

Dead people aren’t complicated. They don’t… well… They don’t USUALLY speak. They don’t argue. They don’t tell you they love you, then change their minds the day before the wedding. And they certainly don’t run off with your best friend and take him on your honeymoon.

Sounds rough.

I shrugged as I wiped away the last traces of violence from the woman’s skin. It is what it is.

And yet you still care.

Just because I’m a little cracked doesn’t mean I can’t empathise.

I found the dress I was looking for. Sometimes people were large, and I’d have to cut the clothing and stuff it on around them. She was petite enough, I could slowly and gently feed it over her head. It looked like a cross between a gown and a nightdress. Her family had asked me to make her look like she was sleeping. There was always an odd beauty to dressing the dead.

Hmmm.

I flinched, not realising the corpse was now standing beside me, dripping a couple fluids as a maggot fell free onto the table.

Don’t get any of that on her, please. I don’t have another clean dress to put her in.

Sorry, the corpse nodded respectfully and moved back a little.

Thanks, I grunted and continued.

With the woman dressed and presentable, I gently lifted her into the coffin. Her final resting place. I spent a few minutes getting her into position. I wanted her to look natural, but beautiful all at once.

You’re quite good at that, the corpse nodded. It doesn’t bother you at all, being around the dead?

Nope, I shrugged.

Well, when you’re done, do you want to kick things off somewhere else?

I blinked and shot the corpse a frown, What, like, go get a drink?

Mmmm, the corpse smiled. Yeah, a drink. That’d work perfectly. I have just the place!

I just stared blankly at the corpse, then glanced at the clock. It was getting late. Not that the time meant anything to me. There was nobody waiting at home for me. She even took the cat.

You gonna hang around that long?

The corpse grinned and shrugged. Maybe we’ll see.

I shook my head, I’d say this was a story to tell the grandkids, but something tells me I left something else open.

The corpse chuckled as I turned back to the beautiful woman. Brushing her hair, I set it neatly about her shoulders before reaching for the makeup. And yes, to get a job here, you need a list of qualifications. One of those qualifications is learning to put makeup on a corpse. Bodies, without blood, looked dull and lifeless. The makeup helped make them look more natural. And I was just applying a little. She didn’t need any more than some colour, really.

When I finished what I was doing, I stood back and made a note of the time. Not that even that mattered. I worked for myself, wages were what I paid myself. But the tax man has to be the tax man, and every dollar has to be accounted for. From here, a member of staff would be there in the morning to take her body to the wake. But that was my job, done. They had keys, all I had to do was lock up and.

THUMP.

Looking over at the shuddering door. I glanced around for the walking corpse.

Shit.

Shaking my head, I made a loop of the room. I checked all my bottles, containers and anything else that could possibly vent a fume. Surprisingly, nothing was open and even the drains smelled rather clear for once. Heading over to the cold storage beds, I opened the drawer containing the putrid corpse and…

Shit, I sighed again.

Two options. Either I had been hallucinating since this morning when the corpse came in? Or was hallucinating that the corpse that came in just walked out the door? With a sigh, I made sure I left the woman where she needed to be for collection. Then I headed for the door. Grabbing the handle, I felt a spike shoot up my arm. Yanking my hand back, the door sprung open, showing an endless void of darkness. Before I could react, a desiccated hand reached out from within and grabbed my shirt.

Let’s get that drink, then?

The darkness slammed in all around me. It whipped around, permeating my skin, eating my flesh, and sinking into my very bones. When I tried to scream, I felt it flow down my throat, choking off my air and filling me from the inside. I screamed inside my head, not out of pain, but out of fear, right until I thumped into something hard and… dusty.

Blinking, I could see fading sunlight in the sky. The tall structures surrounding me framed the orange glow. Where I expected to see concrete and steel, I saw stone, wood and straw. Where the fuck-

Move it, wretch!

I rolled just as a metal covered boot slammed into the cobblestone pavement where I had been lying. I looked from the boot up to its owner, who sneered at me from behind a horned helmet. And honestly, I had no idea what the fuck I was looking at. Some demented cross between Japanese samurai armour and a viking. Metal bands mixed with leather and bone. The wearer had a pair of long tusks that jutted out from his lower jaw and he stared at me with beady little eyes.

He snorted at me, sending a spray of foul smelling spittle over me. I pulled back, making him chuckle, before a grunt caught his attention.

Leave the fucking thing, Tarod, he grunted.

Pfft, the original speaker waved at me. Not worth my time.

I watched as the two figures walked away. There were several more beings around, but… Not one of them looked human. Sure, some looked slightly human. Like, the rather beautiful woman who was frowning at me from across the way. Except she had bright blue hair and her ears extended up in sharp points. Sure, that could be faked, but…

Taking a deep breath, I got to my feet and looked down at myself. I was… Not dressed how I was. My shirt, slacks and medical gown were all gone. By comparison, this felt like a potato sack. My feet were wrapped in… something. I wasn’t sure, but twine held it in place.

Sorry about that. I missed you on the exit!

I flinched and turned. The… You were dead, I blinked at the thin, well-dressed man standing before me.

He shrugged. I’m still dead, but that’s not what’s important here.

Then what is?

Cheap ale, the man chuckled. Come on, let’s show you around.

He gestured to walk, before setting off on his own. I had half a thought to run screaming into the nearest wall. But if this really was real, that was likely to do little more than make me look stupid. So, with a shake of my head, I ignored the odd looks I was getting from everyone and started after the strange man. He whistled as he walked and strode through a set of doors in a large building up ahead. With nothing to lose, I followed, pushing into… Well, from all the old movies I’d seen over the years, this looked like a tavern. A few tables, a long bar. There was a woman in a corset holyshitshehascatearsohmyfuckinggod-

HEY!

I flinched, before realising I wasn’t the centre of attention.

Cheating fucker!

You take that back!

I turned my head to the corner where two men were standing up beside a table covered in cards and coins. Though… Men were a hard sell. Like Tarod outside, one of them was big, had tusks and, at least in this light, I could see green skin. The other looked like he was more or less human, just… Fuck ugly.

I don’t play with cheats, the green dude growled.

Last chance, pretty boy, the human replied, reaching behind himself.

Six more men from around the room got up, and I realised very quickly that I needed to be elsewhere.

Kill ‘em all!

Shit, I sighed.

The room exploded. The few patrons in the bar that wanted nothing to do with the fight ran for the doors. A middle-aged man shot me a grin as he shoved me into the wall. I fell, listening to the scream of the woman with the cat ears as she ran upstairs with what I could only assume was the barman. A heavy body slammed down beside me, vibrating the floor so hard I lost my footing.

You’re next! the green-skinned brute above me snarled.

I glanced down at the body before me. The fuck ugly man who had been accused of cheating. I looked up at the green thing in an effort to talk my way out of it. Thankfully, one of the man’s friends tackled him from the side. I took my chance and scrambled across the floor to a table and hid underneath. Clenching my eyes shut, I waited… and waited… and waited. Until finally, the room fell quiet. Opening my eyes, I could see… Blood. Lots and lots of blood. Mr Fuck Ugly was leaking everywhere. It was all I could see, all I could smell, all I could feel.

With a final check for predators in the area, I let out a soft growl of hunger and slid out from under the table. Sniffing over him, he was dirty, but otherwise clean… if that made sense? At least, clean enough for what I wanted. Taking him by the arm, I started with his fingers. Biting down, I felt the satisfying crunch of bone mixed with the wet smack of flesh. The skin was slightly chewy, but gave way easily. I chewed once, then swallowed and took another bite. Working my way through the smaller hand bones, I paused only long enough to tear the sleeve off his shirt. Then I surprised myself gloriously by biting cleanly through the radius and ulna with one solid chomp. The soft flesh of his arm was even more delicious as it dribbled down my chin. I growled, deep in my chest as I tore flesh and bone from the corpse with each bite. Before I knew what was happening, I’d gone right to the shoulder. The flesh around the neck was soft, but stringy.

Ripping the shirt from his body, I locked my eyes on his stomach. Slightly bloated, I poked it and felt my stomach rumble at the idea of the softness within. Leaning over him, I stretched my jaw impossibly wide, like a snake, and sunk my razor-sharp, triangular teeth over his belly button. The soft ‘slick’ of my teeth closing brought me nothing but satisfaction. As I chewed the fatty layer of flesh, I dug into his guts with my hands, pulling out the long, pink tube that was his intestines. They were deliciously chewy as I snipped each section into my mouth with ease. I couldn’t help the small moans of delight combined with the… I’m eating a person.

Blinking, I looked down at myself. I was covered in blood. It had soaked into my entire front. The man in front of me, fuck ugly as he was, I could see the leaking wound from where he’d been stabbed in the chest. His eyes were glazed over in a way that told me he was already dead. Which was a damn miracle when I saw the bite marks around the stump of his shoulder and the sunken state of his empty abdomen.

Oh fuck, I whimpered. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I glanced around. Surely there were witnesses. But… No, the bar really was empty. Getting up, I thought about my situation. Two guys got into a fight. One murdered the other. There was a brawl, I hid under the table. Now the dead guy’s half eaten and I’m covered in blood. Whatever they have for law enforcement is going to have a hard time believing that I’m not the murderer. So I have two things to consider. First, why and how the fuck did I manage to eat a man? And what the fuck do I do with him now?

Getting to my feet, I crept across the room. I didn’t want to disturb anyone that was hiding and make it seem like they should come out. Slipping around the bar, I made my way into one of the back rooms. Sure enough, locating a bucket and a mop was easy. There was even a pot boiling over a fire in a cauldron. With the help of a wooden handle, I tipped the water into the bucket, then carried it back out into the main room.

Fuck, I sighed, looking at the still leaking corpse.

I wasn’t sure, but I thought I had spotted a back door in the cleaning room. That would be my best bet for now. With… Surprisingly little effort, I scooped the man into my arms and carried him out into the back room. The door on this side was latched, but it was old school and I used my foot to lever it down. Then I bumped it with my shoulder and looked around. It was a quiet courtyard, unfenced, but mostly walled in from the surrounding buildings. It was dark, with barrels and other junk lying about. With nothing else to think of, I turned and quickly stuffed the man between a barrel that smelled of wine and one that smelled of rotten onions. Not that… No… I wasn’t about to think about why bad smells didn’t seem to bother me. You got used to the smell of corpses working where I worked, but this was ridiculous.

There you go, I nodded at the corpse and went back inside.

With the door closed and the location noted, I pulled off my shirt and wiped the blood from the door. Then I went back into the main room and started mopping. Starting with the largest mess, I ended up using three buckets of water to get the majority up. A fourth got the rest from around the room and by the time I was pouring out the fifth into a drain in the back room sink, I was happy with the lack of blood anywhere. That just left me. The shirt was a write off, but my pants were still salvageable.

Reaching for those, I paused as I heard the doors open.

Is this the right place?

The voice was coarse, but distinctly feminine. I froze as I heard several people moving around inside.

Well Urbal? Where is it?

Ahhhh.

I shook my head at the dumb tone that sounded from what could only be another of those green dudes.

Let me check out the back.

Fuck, I hissed.

Turning on the spot, I headed for the door and made it as far as my hand on the handle when I heard the sharp intake of air behind me.

Hold it!

I froze, thinking about rushing out anyway. But I didn’t know how far I was going to get.

Turn around!

I took a deep breath and slowly did as she asked. She was… Well she was like the green dudes. Slimmer, but MUCH taller. They topped out, maybe six to seven feet. She was easily eight and stared at me with an odd look.

Where’s the body?

Gone, I replied quickly, not wanting them to know what I’d done.

She frowned. What, you got rid of the body?

I shrugged, In a manner.

What about all the blood?

Cleaned it.

That got her attention. You’re a cleaner?

Uhhhhhh… Yes.

Who do you work for?

Nobody.

Well, she coughed. It’s about damn time someone stepped up. Here.

She underhand tossed something towards me. I caught it without thinking and frowned at the ‘clink’ sound it made.

Consider that a job well done. You’ve saved me and the boys a few hours of work.

Y-you’re welcome.

She tapped her chin for a moment. You available for another job?

Yes, I agreed without thinking. If I didn’t like what she was offering, I could still run.

We’ve got another fight to settle later on this evening. Few blood suckers and an elf. The suckers just need to be stripped, but the elf will need disposing.

Right, I nodded, waiting for what she wanted me to do.

Great! She clapped her hands. I’ll get the bartender to put you up for the night. Do you have a way for me to find you again?

I blinked for a few moments, wondering what exactly I had just agreed to. Umm… How much is it to stay here?

The woman shrugged, No idea, but that should cover a few days at least, she pointed at the bag.

I looked down at it, then back up as she stepped back out of the room.

Jobs over, let’s go! She snapped. Braw! You’ve a ghoul staying as a guest. I need him tonight!

Ghoul? I frowned.

GHOUL?! a voice rang out. Truska, I can’t have a ghoul hanging around-

He’s a lucid, Braw. Just don’t piss him off and he probably won’t bite. And if he does, he cleans up after himself.

What?!

I’ll be back for him tonight!

I shook my head. Whatever the hell was going on, I needed to work out