Fed, Dead and (Illegally) Wed

By Wendy Dalrymple

An ethical funeral director and a vegan catering chef come together and have to fake a relationship to avoid the wrath of a bumbling mob boss.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Bryant Street Shorts
• Release date: Nov 15, 2022
• ISBN: 9781094454894

Wendy Dalrymple

Wendy Dalrymple crafts highly consumable, short and sweet romances inspired by everyday people. When she’s not writing happily-ever-afters, you can find her camping with her family, painting (bad) wall art, and trying to grow as many pineapples as possible. Keep up with Wendy at www.wendydalrymple.com!

Book preview

1

Like many other thirty-something single women, Megan Malloy enjoyed hanging out with her friends, spending time outdoors, and being with her family. Megan cared about the environment and tried her best to minimize her carbon footprint, to recycle, and to be a responsible steward of the planet. She was a sucker for a good lip color, a killer pair of heels, and adorable, furry animals. She was also the first to admit she was far from perfect, sometimes drinking too much iced coffee, indulging in takeout, or spending hours online scrolling social media. Her dating life was more miss than hit, but she didn’t let her relationship status define her. By all accounts, Megan Malloy was just like everyone else save for one crucial thing — Megan was the director, owner, and operator of an ethical burial funeral home.

It hadn’t always been this way. Before her mother and father had retired, Malloy Funeral Home was one of the most popular funeral services in the area. Megan had been training almost her entire life to become a mortician, working in the family business from the time she was old enough to fold paper programs and answer the phone. As a teen, while her friends were working after school jobs at the mall, grocery stores, or fast food restaurants, Megan was learning the ropes from her parents about how to become a funeral director, how to talk to the bereaved, and what important paperwork needed to be done at the end of someone’s life. She always knew that someday after she finished her mortuary science degree, the Malloy funeral empire would be passed down to her and she would carry on the family business. However, thanks to a broken cremation kiln and all-new ethical burial laws in the state of Florida, Megan would be able to finally fuse her passion for the environment with the business of helping people say goodbye to their loved ones.

It was the struggle between proving herself to her parents and making her new business model work that left Megan lost in thought on that crisp September morning. The bills and paperwork were already piling up but, thankfully, so was her list of potential new clients. What she needed now was a few more reliable business partners and a way to bring in some much-needed passive income.

The shipment of wicker caskets is here, Kevin, her new assistant and long-time friend, said as he stretched, yawning and leaning against the door frame to her office. He glanced down at his freshly-manicured black fingernails and then back at Megan.

Okay. I’ll be there in just a minute. She tapped away at her keyboard without looking up, double-clicked her mouse, and nodded. Sorry, I was just sending off a quote. It’s for a couple this time.

Another one? Kevin’s eyebrows raised. That makes, what, three this week?

Yeah. Megan grinned and pushed a dark lock of hair behind one ear. I have to admit, it’s going to feel good to tell my dad that I’m actually meeting my quota.

"Well, I always believed in you. Kevin smirked. You can’t blame your folks for worrying though. They’re old school."

I’m just glad people are responding to my ads. Megan rose from her seat and stretched. If I can book at least one funeral a week for the rest of the year, then I should be able to keep the lights on and all of my vendors paid up.

Actually, I’ve been wondering about that. Do you think you’re charging enough? Kevin turned and walked down the hall toward the storage room.

Megan followed at his heels. What do you mean?

I mean I think you should consider raising your prices. Kevin opened the door to the storage room and walked in. A palette of two dozen boxes were stacked outside near the open receiving door.

Well, I want to keep ethical burial accessible. It’s already kind of a hard sell to get people to think about moving away from cremation and traditional burial.

I get it. Kevin took out a box cutter and popped one of the large zip ties holding the boxes together. You have to look out for yourself too, though.

Well, that’s why I’m looking for other partners, like the organic catering service. Megan propped her hands on her hips. I can offer basic burial for people that need a more affordable service, and do upcharges for families that want a full-scale funeral.

Here, grab that end. Kevin wrapped his arms around a box on top of the pile and Megan grabbed the other end. They moved the box to the floor and Kevin took out his box cutter again. He sliced open the top of the cardboard box and removed the packing materials.

These sure are a lot lighter than traditional coffins. Megan bent over to inspect the contents inside. Help me get this out of the box.

They each grabbed an end of the wicker-basket-style coffin, lifted it from the cardboard box and placed it on the floor. Megan stood back and admired the simplicity of the container, the final resting place of someone who cared about conservation and the future of the planet as much as she did.

I’ve also got another upgrade package I’m going to offer, she said, pointing to the wicker-casket lid. Customers will be able to personalize the outside of the casket with flowers and ribbons and other things.

That’s a great idea.

Thanks. Megan propped a hand on one hip and fanned herself with the other. I need to figure out a few more streams of income though.

So what’s the plan with this place, then? Kevin glanced around the back room. Since the services are going to be held outside and all, it seems like the old chapel and dining hall will go to waste. No offense, but I don’t think anyone is going to want to come back here to eat a bunch of fancy food.

I know. I’ll still need the office space to meet with clients and use as storage and a showroom. She shrugged. A lot of this space is going to go to waste though.

Maybe you could rent the place out for parties or special events, Kevin said, smirking. "I’m sure lots of people want to host their wedding reception at a former funeral home."

"Ha! Hilarious."

Kevin sighed, glancing out the back door toward the rapidly darkening sky. We should get these boxes all moved inside before it rains.

I know. I want to move three different sizes into the front showroom too, Megan said, eyeing one of the smaller boxes. Even after all this time, it was still difficult for her to separate her feelings when it came to burying the youngest patrons. Still, she always tried to remember what her father said about dignity and helping families when their loved ones passed on. It was a tough business to be in, but someone had to do it.

Kevin glanced over at her, his forehead wrinkled. Meg? You okay?

Megan blinked and sucked in a sharp breath through her nose. Yeah. Fine. Just thinking.

He offered her a warm smile. Want me to order lunch after we’re done here? I can get your usual?

Sounds good. No onions this time though. She smiled back at him. Wednesdays were always Publix sub days.

You got it. Kevin grabbed the end of one of the boxes and waited as Megan grabbed the other end. Ready? One, two, three!

The first rumble of afternoon thunder came later that day just as Kevin was leaving to pick up their lunch. Moving the wicker coffins had been a sweaty, time-consuming chore, but it was one that Megan was happy to have out of the way. Hopefully she had enough biodegradable cardboard and wicker coffins in stock now to last for a few months worth of burials — though one could never be sure. As a funeral director, there was usually very little time to plan for events when it came to unexpected deaths. She had to be prepared and ready to give her customers the kind of ethical burial they wanted and needed at the drop of a hat, and she needed to work with vendors who could move fast on their feet too.

The idea for incorporating an organic caterer into the business wasn’t entirely her own. Megan ate organic food whenever she could and tried to shop sustainably, but she wasn’t always perfect about it. Even though Gainesville was near the heart of Central Florida — a relatively conservative area — it was also a college town and, as a result, there were more microbreweries, vegan restaurants, and eco-conscious businesses available than in most rural towns. Megan had also decided to change the name of her family business from Malloy Funeral Home to Ethical Burials to help with marketing. Even though they were still in transition when it came to the new business model, so far things were working out better than she could have imagined.

Despite the name change of her business, from time to time former customers would wander in or call and inquire about cremation services. Megan was still working on her delivery, trying to gently explain to customers that she was offering a more eco-friendly alternative service now. Sometimes this information didn’t settle well with her potential clients, which she understood and tried to be conscientious about on a professional level. On a personal level though, it stung when people sneered at her new business model.

After more than thirty years of