The Polyamory Toolkit

By Dan Williams and Dawn Williams

For nearly two decades Dan and Dawn have navigated their journey in polyamory by being proactive, insightful and analytical. Early on, there was very little information or resources available, so the adventure required them to learn from their mistakes as well as their successes.

Each have multiple partners and have a history of polyamory relationships lasting multiple years. They have put the time and thought into creating a "toolkit" of knowledge others can implement to help their relationships survive and thrive.

Dan and Dawn write in an anecdotal, conversational style that is easy to absorb and use.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Dan Williams
• Release date: Aug 22, 2022
• ISBN: 9798201822033

Book preview

SPEAKING THE SAME LANGUAGE

Dan says...

There is a classic polyamory quote that goes Polyamory is wrong! It's either multiamory or polyphilia, but mixing Greek and Latin roots? Wrong!

This brief chapter is to talk about words and definitions. After all, many of the words we are going to use are common in poly circles, but you, the reader, may not be familiar with them. So, let's start with a few common ones you’ll encounter in this book and define this polyamory thing.

Monogamy - This is the classic one person with one other person, in a committed relationship, with no other romantic or intimate (or sexual) relationships. Most people appear to find this concept as the ideal, or at least it would seem according to popular media and culture. I could argue that with all the divorce and cheating that maybe it isn’t as popular as people would guess but let’s not digress.

Non-Monogamy - If you are not following monogamy, then welcome to non-monogamy, a huge umbrella that includes not only polyamory, but casual hookups, swinging, group marriages, and even cheating. If you are having romantic or sexual relationships with more than one person, then you are experiencing non-monogamy. So, does that put cheating and polyamory in the same boat? Not at all - read on...

Ethical Non-Monogamy - Although we have only added one word to the already defined non-monogamy, the difference by adding that word is rather huge. Ethical non-monogamy requires both honesty and consent. Thus, swinging, when everyone involved is aware of each other and not being sneaky about it, is ethical non-monogamy. But cheating is not. If you have two partners or twelve, and they are aware of each other and consent to the relationships, then it is a form of ethical non-monogamy.

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Polyamory - Polyamory is a form of ethical non-monogamy. But where it is different than other forms of ethical non-monogamy is that it includes, as the Beatles would say, Love, love, love. Simply put, polyamory is the belief that you can be romantically involved with more than one person. And you can do it in a way that those involved are aware of each other and consent to those relationships, and that those relationships can be healthy and enjoyable. Some people like to define this down to ‘many loves’, but that is a bit bare-bone for me. But that is just me - decide what makes sense for you.

Compersion - This is the state of feeling joy at your partner's joy. Buddhists call this mudita, which is defined as a pure joy unadulterated by self-interest. You’ll read lots more about compersion throughout this book, including how to cultivate it. For now, pretend your partner has just come back from a date and they have that sly smile that says that it went very well, and you feel good for them simply because they feel good. That is compersion.

Significant Other - Karen has been in my life for over ten years; we take vacations together, share a house together, and have, along with Dawn, a pet dog, and two cats. Karen is not my wife, as per the legal definition. But she is far more than a ‘girlfriend’. Thus, the term significant other. It reflects anyone in your life that is more than a boyfriend/girlfriend to you but that isn’t attached via another term like spouse or husband.

Metamours – Partners of my partners. For example, my partner Kat is married to a man named Nate. Thus, Nate is my metamour (or Meta). The level of involvement you have with metaphors may range from ‘not at all’ to ‘big poly group movie nights every Thursday’. Different styles work for different people.

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I’ll note briefly that if you’d like to start an internet argument on a polyamory forum, these definitions would be a great place to start. Some people hate the word compersion; others find the term ‘polyamory lifestyle’ distasteful; others view the term ‘poly’ as an insult to Polynesian people. If you find words you prefer, and can still communicate, great! This is a book that focuses on the living and tools part of polyamory and thus we have no opinion on if a word is ‘bad’ or ‘good’, instead will ask ‘is it useful to you?’’. Plus, we suck at internet debating so will leave it to others who have time and energy for it.

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Dawn says...

These are just some basic words from the world of Polyamory. There are many more. We don’t expect everyone to agree with them, but it’s how we use the words and how we are defining them for the book so that everyone is on the same page.

Through the tools and other writings, we’ll also be using some other words that you may not be familiar with, but we feel we do a good job of explaining them in the writings themselves, so didn’t add them to this list. And, during the writings, if we are pretty sure we know where the word came from, we tried to mention that as well.

TOOLS

Dan says...

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One of the first polyamory classes Dawn and I taught was called 8 Poly Tools and it was just that, eight of the polyamory tools we developed that helped us through interesting polyamory times. As time passed and new relationships came (and sometimes went) we developed more tools and at the point 8 Poly Tools actually had over a dozen tools, we created a second class simply called 8 More Poly Tools. Between new relationships and feedback from other people, the number of tools expanded and in the following section, you’ll find twenty-five tools.

Each tool includes reflections on the experience around when that tool was developed. You’ll see a bit of background on the situation and how that tool was created and used. Moreover, you’ll see it from both of our perspectives. For me, And Not Or was mind-blowing. For Dawn, she uses Compersion Journals more than me. We realize that not every hammer fits every hand. We want you to find the one that best fits yours.

TOOL #1 - DEVELOPING YOUR WHY

Dan says...

I can certainly recall more than once shaking my head and wondering Why am I even bothering with this poly thing!? The first time Dawn went on a date with another person (or slept with that person); or when a miscommunication left me reading a Facebook update that one of my partners is out with someone and I was left feeling betrayed; or when I walked into a room and see someone I am in love with kissing someone else, knowing they were there and on a date and nothing ‘fishy’ was going on... but my heart wasn’t really ready to see it. I don’t know about any other poly person, but more than once I thought ‘can’t I just be like everyone else and be turned on by just one human ever’?

Maybe you have faced a similar situation, and that has led you to pick up a book on polyamory. Or it might be a different reason - perhaps you are a single person who just met someone who said, 'by the way, I am polyamorous, would you like to meet my boyfriends?' Or maybe you are part of a couple that has decided to explore multiple loving relationships. It could be you are facing the tricky situation where you are part of a couple and one of you wants to start dating outside your existing relationship. Or perhaps you are in a situation where you are part of a growing triad that is facing some challenges, and it may be you are a polyamory veteran just looking for a new perspective. Polyamory can be pretty challenging.

If any of the above resonates with you - that moment of self-doubt where you wonder if polyamory is for you - then you’ll find it useful to develop something we call The Why.

The Why is an exercise in self-examination that answers the question, clearly and without reservation, of 'why did I decide to practice polyamory?'. This isn’t the high-level question of nature or nurture. But instead, this is an understanding of your personal Why. And it is something you can return to again and again when things get chaotic and you start down the path of self-doubt. Even when the question changes - from ‘why did I think my beloved going out with someone else was a good idea' or 'why do I have to be home alone tonight' to the frustrated 'why do I have to put up with this bullshit!', you’ll be able to rely on the answer of The Why.

Because if you can get here, get deep enough to touch the heart of why you are exploring polyamory when you were (probably) raised to think monogamy was not only normal but the only possibility, then you’ll be able to establish an eye of the storm that you can rest on as you struggle with those different questions (and emotions and situations that brought those questions on).

So! How do you develop your personal ‘Why’? Well, the good news is, you already have - or at least have started. For some reason, you are here now, reading this book. How come? What lead you to want to love in a different way?

For me, the Why started with the question ‘why have all my previous relationships ended up the same, with me feeling either unhappy (at the minimum) or me acting outside of my desired ethical boundaries’ (which is a fancy way of saying I started to search for a new relationship prior to ending the one I was in). As I began the relationship with Dawn, I wanted to make sure that I was not going to repeat the mistakes I’ve made so far and that I was addressing the core of what I wanted, needed, and expected in a relationship. So, I looked at myself and realized that I am not really a monogamous person. I can’t say I thought of it in that way exactly - and had not yet heard the word polyamory. But I recognized enough that I could express to Dawn that we would not be exclusive to just each other and - my reality is that I could love more than one person, that I am attracted to lots of people, and sometimes I want to act on that attraction, and that these characteristics - and this was a huge thing for me - didn’t need to be ‘fixed’. I was not broken, I just didn’t follow the norms that most people seemed to have. What I needed to be was accepted by Dawn, as well as other future partners, and by myself. This leads me toward a path of understanding ethical non-monogamy. And that I was not alone in this view.

It took some time before the words and understanding really came to me, but for me, the first part of the Why is ‘I am a polyamorous person’. And it is more than just the words ‘I am polyamorous’. It is the understanding, the looking in the mirror and seeing that which is true, the realization that it is as much a core aspect to who I am as ‘I am an introvert’ or ‘I have a sense of humor’.

So, part 1 is that core understanding of who I