The Future of the GTA: Contest-winning Stories and Poetry Submitted to the GTA-Whole News

By I M Satyricus

I. M. Satyricus, a direct descendant of Quintus Horatius Flaccus, whose motto, "carpe diem," is his first child's name (or so he says).

To launch a new news magazine for regular people entitled the GTA-Whole Newz, I, I. M. Satyricus, chief editor of T.I.T. (Toronto in Transition), and my sidekick Hizz, created a contest, sent it out to sister publications and got a great response. The successful authors, GTA's normal but agitated people, eager to win one of the unique prizes (composed by the scribblers themselves), sent in their stories and poetry, featuring the foibles, vices and antics of the maladjusted stumblebums, foozlers, boobyish dunces and the rest who display their nonsense throughout the GTA without breaking the law. "They act that way for the sheer hell of it," they say. My response: "Reading about it is better than hiring psycho-shrinks, who are the craziest of the bunch as attested to by those who aspire to be part of the future staff of the GTA-Whole Newz."

GTA-Whole Newz presents a cornucopia of camouflaged excrement, unearthed by the contestants themselves, served up as sagacious lampoonery between these two covers, written in the main with as much humour, disdain or playful exaggeration as it deserves. Hizz and I changed the real names of persons and institutions to avoid lawsuits, because no author or any member of our glorious publication needs or wants to engage in that manner of legal shit. However, make no mistake about these stories and poems, because there's some truth to them that should be taken seriously.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Threats of any sort are tolerated as long as they are not acted upon, because we have some bad bastards and biotches on staff who will retaliate by, in their own words, "squashing you like a bug"!

Read on, precious readers of satire and others who enjoy having their funny bones tickled and their minds kicked up a notch or two! Hizz and I send hugs and kisses to you all!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tellwell Talent
• Release date: Jun 28, 2022
• ISBN: 9780228879619

Book preview

Copyright © 2022 by I M Satyricus

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law.

Tellwell Talent

www.tellwell.ca

ISBN

978-0-2288-7960-2 (Hardcover)

978-0-2288-7959-6 (Paperback)

978-0-2288-7961-9 (eBook)

Table of Contents

Preface

Chapter Summary

Contest

List of Prizes

Chapter 1 - Toronto in Transition

Chapter 2 - Heaven or Hell

Chapter 3- Academy of Not

Chapter 4 - Dork Nation

Chapter 5 - Multi-Culti Meatballs

Chapter 6 - Love Story

Chapter 7 - Toronto’s House of Hags and Wags

Chapter 8 - Interview with Willie Battleaxersson

Chapter 9 - Poetry Anyone?

Chapter 10 - S.S.A.S.

Chapter 11 - Koocah Koolah Dreams

Poem 1 - GTA’s Law Enforcement

Poem 2 - Looking for love in the GTA

Poem 3 - Farewell to Toronto’s Patsy Pachyderm

Poem 4 - Hi! I’m Robbee Dork

Poem 5 - Pardon my pronounciations and fugly spelling

Preface

I am the chief editor of the news magazine T.I.T. (Toronto in Transition), formerly T.O.T. (Top of Toronto), and I am the person responsible for gathering and putting together the contents of this book. Since Hizz went wild with his cartoons, he can take the blame for drawing them.

Brilliant local authors, singing the praises of the GTA (Greater Toronto Area), have been our main contributors because our readers like high-sounding words that reinforce their feelings of superiority over other Canadian cities. Certain GTAers, however, don’t think some aspects of their home turf are all that great, and should be exposed. We’re not about to name names, but X says that they should be taken down a peg or two. X (a buddy) expounded by suggesting they be grabbed and taken down to the local tavern, stood up next to the dartboard so they can be used as targets by fellow drunkards with poor aims! Nasty, aye?

Over the years, several gripe-and-grumble letters, poetry, an unusual play filled with celestial overtones, and commentaries on various topics were submitted by GTA’s regular, whole people, but I tossed them on top of an ever-growing slush pile because T.I.T. had no suitable slot for them. However, I set fifteen-plus aside for a possible future project. Enough pieces of writing remained for another two or more books.

Hizz said he would be delighted to be there if the writers of the leftovers asked for his attention-grabbing cartoons, providing they agreed to give consent to placing their pen names at the top of the first page under the titles of their chapters. Their play on words (le jeu de mots) and their visages inspired Hizz to go all out. They are unmatchable! Believe this: T.I.T. gives credit where’s it’s due.

A note to GTA’s potty fruitcakes: reading about your pathetic existence is more therapeutic (and cheaper) than hiring psycho-shrinks and other crazies (like those depicted in the chapter entitled Toronto in Transition)!

To get as much material as possible, I ran a contest to launch a new venue, the GTA-Whole Newz, a future offshoot of T.I.T. that would give a voice to GTAers’ keen observers of their fellow citizens. The proviso that their submissions be stripped of all malarkey, untruths and other forms of fabrication, unnecessary cursing, undecipherable jargon, or other crud, was strictly enforced.

The authors, eager to win one of the unique prizes (composed by them and not us), sent in their articles, featuring (in their estimation), the over-the-toppers, beyond-the-palers, stumble bums and dim-witted fools, who display their nonsense throughout the GTA for no purpose other than the sheer hell of it. They may not be law-breakers, but they are annoying as heck! Nobody knows better than GTAers that these strange ducks are running around out there and pissing off and/or driving nuts, not just them, but other people as well!

The contest itself is an example of what it takes to attract contest-seekers who have uncontrollable urges to pick apart everything and everybody and can place one word after another correctly. Their brainchildren are printed verbatim on the pages of this special first-edition. To those who had difficulties with the English language, and particularly its grammar, we offered the services of our brilliant editing and writing specialists.

The prize list is replete with goodies! Never on the lists of prizes is there anything like it! We asked for imagination and originality, and the authors delivered, big time! Their gems give you, our readers, a picture of what GTAers are really like, but are not for the squeamish, prudish, or sanctimonious, so keep an open mind and don’t pass judgment until you finish the entire book! However, do not dismiss these stories as playful nonsense because there’s some truth to them that should be taken seriously.

If you don’t like what you read, don’t return the book to us and ask for a refund. We did not print a money-back guarantee if not satisfied statement on any page of the GTA-Whole Newz. Instead, rip the offensive page(s) out or hurl the entire abomination into the recycling bin for pickup on garbage day. If you can’t wait, burn the damn thing in the middle of Yonge Street and Bloor or another intersection of your choice while you stand to one side holding a sign explaining why you’re doing it. If you want to add some oomph to this explosive act of condemnation, you can buzz CBC News to come down for a look-see if they so choose, but you don’t have to. Even better, mail it to people you suspect have irritated GTA-ers, like yourselves, so badly that you felt the need to spend the cost of postage to report their shameless behaviour to them. Make notations like that’s you and/or draw arrows on the pages where you think they appear. Clip a note to the cover indicating which items might interest them. If they make nonsense statements, those should be zig-zagged with a wide-tipped marker.

Important: please do not identify yourself because you don’t want incensed people, with murder on their minds, to come looking for you (or us)! Come on! This is literature worthy of the Nobel Prize! Read on!

Chapter Summary

The stories cover many subjects and time frames. For instance: Toronto in Transition begins near the conclusion of the 20th century on the top deck of the CN Tower, winds its way down through selected neighbourhoods and ends in the belly of Toronto’s most popular alternate news magazine T.I.T. The narrator observes, makes notes, and depicts the personalities and modi operandi of the owners, workers, and managers of the magazine. All his information, so heavy on details, begs some questions to which no answers may come to mind. Is T.I.T. a scurrilous rag that shouldn’t be used as a guide? Does T.I.T.’s nose deserve to be rubbed in its own doo-doo by a tattling blabbermouth named Snitch (a dead giveaway)? Would you be happy to rub shoulders with such people? Should some (or none) of them be allowed to become members of the staff of the GTA-Whole Newz? How far will the new news magazine go with them on board? Food for thought, aye?

The play Heaven or Hell, which will it be? is written by Phillup Wydmore Bullshyte, a budding playwright who, in his own way, poses the question: should a single being be supreme to have so much power? The number of first-rate actors in this production is astounding. God and Peter perform large roles in a heavenly kingdom in the clouds, alongside 649, high above Toronto and stretching over the GTA. Working in tandem, they pass their judgments on what remains of such notorious earthlings as Cleopatra and Marc, Stalin, Hitler, Henry the VIII, and other soiled souls waiting in the wings. Originally infused with malicious characteristics oozing from their creator’s brain, they defend themselves to a high-and-mighty God and a Saintly Peter. Such topics as Free will and who’s blaming whom are volleyed back and forth. The devil’s domain below city hall also plays an important part. Because his territory is ever-expanding, the Prince of Darkness constantly needs more sinners to pack the seemingly un-fillable void. If gods, goddesses, devils, angels, heavy-handed rulers, and other dubious characters, threaten to upset your equilibrium, this play is right up your alley! You don’t even need to leave the comfort of your couch because it is played out in the theatre of your mind. When you finish reading, you will be astonished by how little GTAers know about the goings-on above their heads and beneath their feet.

Curriculums loaded with rules, facts and figures are used by institutions of higher learning as guidelines when teaching students what they should do to succeed in life. The Academy of Not does the opposite by doing away with all that foot-dragging nonsense and cutting to the chase.

Dork Nation, explains why, how, and from where certain GTAers choose their leaders. Related is Hi, I’m Robbee Dork, a poem chock full of excuses for his bad behaviour. Closely connected is an Interview with Willie Battleaxersson conducted by Anudder Mugger*itch, who digs deeply into the mind of a fledgling politician seeking election. Hizz, our cartoonist, had to shorten Willie’s nose because it would spill over onto a second page if drawn true to its real length.

Multi-Culti Meatballs. To prove that we have more in common than we know, the exalted food critic Offal Dishdaswill Dumpster visits the GTA’s diverse restaurant scene and serves a literal feast to those who worship meatballs in all their delicious forms and flavours. Included are side dishes, the beverages served, and the toasts made when the patrons finish devouring the specialty. Offal chose meatballs because all cultures, except their vegans and vegetarians, have them on their menus. Dining at its finest!

Love Story will bring tears to your eyes from laughing so hard. In this tale, Ragazzo Mostro listens to Quazibozo and Ezmercranky (two GTAers at the top of the list of the most physically repulsive human beings on our planet), explain why, with some justification, their short-lived marriage lasted less than a day.

If you’re into misguided do-goodism, blind sisterhood, major-league power-tripping and the art of shoving one’s weight around, check out The House of Hags and Wags, as seen through the eyes ofProcheinami Knuckles Cerebus. It’ll make you want to grind your teeth and grab your head to shake it.

The story Poetry anyone? will appeal to newbie poets who seek a meeting of same-minded people to critique each other’s masterworks. Pay attention to Guillaume Shakspierre’s Statement of Merit and Comments at the end of his report before you rush off to join the Scarborough Poets’ Society or other similar gatherings.

Service companies rise and fall every day in the GTA usually failing because of lack of demand, poor performances or lousy products. Still in existence though, is S.S.A.S., an entity formed by a group of people who, after the O.J. event, saw the need for a go-to place that gives assistance to suffering persons who seek a speedy solution to their problem, without fuss, unnecessary expense or paperwork.

When they read Hillaria’s Kookah Koolah Dreams, addicted insomniacs will rejoice to discover they are not alone.

Gino Cognizanti’s short-notes will make GTA’s Law Enforcement appear almost humanlike.

Also included are verses written in classic, loose design or free form. A couple might tickle your funny bone, while the others may ignite some provocative thinking.

Contest

Ever thought, Gee, I want to win a contest. Well, T.I.T.’s magazine is where it’s at. Our contest is now open. The deadline will be announced in the two big newspapers and some local ones such as Fiddle Faddles of Mississauga, Twiddle Twaddles of Liberty Village, Turtle Tracks of Thornhill, and Scrimble Scrambles of Scarborough. Tell us what you despise (or love) most about the GTA’s institutions, and/or its citizens. Describe the kinds of prizes (not-run-of-the-mill ideas please) you would like to receive. Be imaginative. Spill your guts, but try to keep it under 10,000 words. A bonus is yours if you can do it in six like Mark Twain did in his day! We will publish your winning prose, and/or verse, in a book entitled The Future of the GTA.

Rules: On a separate page, state your real name, address, phone number, an e-mail address, a short biography, the prize you seek and your signature. Pseudonyms are OK as long as they are not someone else’s. Cussing is acceptable if no polite words will do. Same goes for euphemisms. Your essay or poetry, typed in Times Roman 12 point, half-double spaced with 3 to 4 cm margins, must be stapled together and attached to your covering letter with a paper clip. Of course, you can remain anonymous, but if you choose to identify yourself, include a photograph or a hand-drawn cartoon, and we will use it. If you cannot draw worth a rat’s ass, however, we will send Hizz, our wild-and-crazy artist/cartoonist, to your place to do it for you.

Our panel will judge the best expositions. Those overflowing with verbiage peppered with snark and sass, will receive priority consideration. Cartoons buried anywhere in the bodies of your masterpieces and colourful titles will increase your chances of picking up a prize and placing you at the zenith of badassery. Along with receiving the prize of your choice, your image and essay will be splashed all over several pages of the GTA-Whole Newz. Our readers will just LOVE reading your missives, especially if they end with verbal coups de grâce!

We will do our best to set up and deliver all prizes as described by you, the contestants, but if we can’t, $150.00 is yours, along with a free copy of The Future of the GTA (when printed). Prize-winning events will be video-taped where possible, and a copy will be given to you. It doesn’t get any better than that! Good luck, fellow GTAers!

Prize List

Conjured up by the contestants

First—Dress up as an armed cop and join a team of special-ops police officers on the verge of busting in the exit of a penthouse apartment in a high rise looming over a Go-Station at Danforth and Main, to arrest a gang of miscreants stashing, in plain sight, illegal guns, porno-smut and dope on their balcony. You will be the star, on video, of this nail-biting take down. With your permission, we will send it to CBC for showing on the National.

Second—Haul two garbage bins overflowing with loonies and toonies, in a chauffeured stretch limo-convertible, while dressed as King Henry VIII or Mother Teresa, to toss at the down-and-out tenants of a well-known tent village under the expressway or that other place where they’re at. When finished, you will love having them drop to their knees to kiss your ass in gratitude!

Third—An electronic bullhorn, programmed to emit powerful squawks of a gaggle of Canada Geese flying overhead, bombs exploding next door, fire trucks blaring, rumbling, hissing, blurping and blooping, thunder and lightning during