Memoirs of a Moddler

By Samantha Scanlon

This open, honest, and upbeat journal-style parenting memoir is taken from Samantha Scanlon's blog chronicling her frustrating, challenging, and at times hilarious life with a toddler.

Being a parent is hard. It doesn't matter if you're a new parent, a veteran parent, or even if you have a doctorate in child development. There

• Language: English
• Publisher: Palmetto Publishing
• Release date: May 27, 2022
• ISBN: 9798885903035

Samantha Scanlon

When you think of a mother, you usually visualize cuddling and baking cookies. As outdated as these concepts are, it didn't stop Samantha Scanlon from feeling as though she was going to fail at being the main caretaker of an infant. She'd always brought home the bacon but was never the one to actually cook it. Conforming to this role was difficult. She put a lot of expectations on herself, which led to constant self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy. She struggled with postpartum depression and anxiety and her days turned into a continuous cycle of failed schedules and angry outbursts. She was miserable and so were her children.She realized that something needed to change. She needed to change. So she sought out support groups on social media. But expressing her feelings in an open and honest way simply opened the door for mom shamers. And the last thing she needed was to be judged. After being kicked out of a few support groups she decided she needed to create her own space where she could share openly without being told that she needed to censor herself or minimize her feelings for the sake of everyone else's.Sam started a blog where she could share her struggles with parenting, depression, anxiety, addiction, and life in general. But as she wrote about her life and her children, she quickly noticed that the entries were truly entertaining. Regardless of what face-palming event occurred, she was able to write about it in a positive way. The lightbulb went off that the problem wasn't with her life or her struggles. The issues she was having were caused by her responses to the circumstances.Writing the blog helped her to change her outlook. Embracing her flaws as a parent and being able to openly communicate them to help others see there is usually a positive and hilarious side to any situation has helped her tremendously. She hopes reading about her journey can do the same for you.

Book preview

Forward:

I bet you read the title and are wondering what a moddler is. It is a term used to describe a monster toddler. You will see a lot of phrases referring to a child in this book based off the popular term crotch goblin so if that phrase offends you, this is not the book for you. There are so many parenting resources out there that can prepare you for what to expect developmentally as your child grows. You can learn when to expect your humpling to start walking, talking, potty training, and even sleeping. There are books you can buy, blogs you can read, videos you can watch, and podcasts you can listen to. What nobody prepares you for are the moments when your child will perfect the art of sarcasm, start playing jokes on you, and shower you with backhanded compliments. Watching your children grow is extremely rewarding, but observing their personality develop is better. I have compiled my daily journal entries from the interactions I have personally experienced with my sarcastically hilarious moddler.

Being a parent is hard. That's the overall consensus. It doesn’t matter if you’re a new parent, veteran parent, or even if you have a doctorate in child development. There is no easy way or right way to do it. The only thing you can do is show up, on the good days and especially the bad.

I hope as you read through these first-hand encounters of the crazy things toddlers sometimes do, you were able to find humor in the ridiculous, disgusting, and very real challenges I’ve faced as a stay-at-home mom, trapped by my excessive number of children that refuse to let me relax in peace.

It's okay to use funny phrases to describe children. It's okay to not like your offspring one hundred percent of the time. It's okay to think your child is an asshole if they’re acting like one. Being open and honest about every aspect of raising children is okay. There are so many people out there that feel completely isolated by feelings that they’re alone in their struggles. We’re all on this parenting journey together, raising the future generation the best that we possibly can.

I decided to gather all the stories of my monster toddler through the months as we have struggled through toddlerhood and potty training in this book to hopefully make someone else wrangling their own moddler see that they are not alone. Raising a strong-willed child is not for the weak and nobody should feel alone while doing it.

February:

Month 30

3rd:

We are transitioning from co-sleeping to a toddler bed which is basically just me letting my moddler fall asleep in my bed before transitioning her to her own bed so I can fall asleep without getting assaulted by a toddler that apparently dreams of kung fu fighting. Tonight, started off like any other night where I get her to sleep, move her into her bed, and then pass out myself. As I was dreaming of a time much simpler, a time when I could eat hot food all by myself and use the restroom without an audience, I was rudely awakened by shoes being shoved in my face. My child was standing at the side of my bed screaming, good to good to good to go!! Half awake, I asked where I was supposed to be going and she responded by telling me that I needed to go to the store for milk because she decided dumping the entire gallon of milk into a toy wagon was a good idea. When asked why she did this, she confidently blamed the cat.

7th:

I had one of those days today where I just didn’t care. You know, those days where you just decide to let your toddler do whatever they want within reason because you would rather clean once after bedtime than continuously throughout the day. I always make mine help, but I’m impatient and she has tiny limbs that can’t carry much so I usually end up complaining under my breath as I finish the job for her. As the day progressed, I somehow cared less and less. I let my ankle biters have spaghetti rings for dinner and looked at the mess in front of me, deciding that I would do chores in the morning because I was exhausted. As we prepared for bed, my toddler was clearly distraught about the state of our home. She grabbed her toy vacuum and started frantically pushing and pulling in an attempt to clean up. Under her breath, she kept repeating, not my job as she screamed for her siblings who were already in bed to help her. It's like watching a miniature version of myself picking up her toys. Maybe now that she knows how it feels, she’ll be less likely to make such big messes.

9th:

On today's episode of Is This Real Life? Toddler Edition we get to play canned goods roulette. I had all our canned goods separated by food type, but my moddler decided she didn’t like my organization. She took it upon herself to not only combine everything, but to also remove all the labels. I really hope nobody invites us to a potluck because I don’t have the mental capacity at this point to find the green beans to make a casserole.

11th:

I was watching television when I came to the realization that my moddler has been quiet for far too long. I contemplated letting her continue in silence, but my anxiety told me that she was probably missing, had gotten swept away by a tornado, or some other tragedy that I had seen in movies occurred. When I went to check on her, I found her butt naked in her toy room and she immediately started apologizing. At first, I was confused as to why she was sorry, but then the smell smacked me in the face. Poop! There was poop somewhere in this room. I asked, but she could not answer the question of exactly where she pooped. We had a case of the missing turd, and I am definitely not a detective. It is going to be a long night.

12th:

My husband bought himself a nerf gun so he could retaliate when our children attack him with theirs. It's shotgun style and isn’t as powerful as the fully automatic beasts we get shot with, but it gets the job done. As I was loading the dishwasher, my moddler brought said gun to me asking me to fix it which is her way of asking me to load it. As soon as I handed it back to her, I stiffened up. Any parent can confirm that once you load a nerf gun, you’re about to get shot with it and based off her height, the dart is coming straight at my butt. She kept giggling as I stood there questioning why I continue to load it KNOWING that I’m going to fall victim to it immediately after. Finally, I heard the click of the trigger, but nothing happened. I turned to look at her just as she was looking straight down the barrel. It went off and shot her square in the face. I don’t know why there was a delay between the pulling of the trigger and the dart shooting out. Maybe it was just divine intervention giving my child a taste of her own medicine. Regardless of why it happened, I could not stop laughing. I assumed this would be a valuable life lesson, but not even five minutes later, I was presented with the same gun and asked yet again to fix it.

14th:

I accidentally karate chopped my poor child in the face to keep her from getting hurt. She was running straight for the stove, and I was afraid she was going to knock down the hot pans currently in use. I’m pretty sure she called me an asshole, but with her speech deficiency, a lot of words are still hard to make out. She's now sitting on the couch whispering to the dog and glaring at me. It's very unsettling. If I fall victim to a mysteriously fatal accident, tell everyone that it was my toddler…and the dog.

16th:

A creepy man approached us while we were shopping and asked my toddler if she was a good girl. He then proceeded to get closer and try to touch her. She pulled away, shot him a dirty look, and loudly said, uck off! The man looked at me. I looked at my toddler. My toddler and I both looked at the man. Well, you heard her, I said. She still can’t talk as well as she should, but she knows about consent. If she does not want to be touched, I am absolutely going to have her back regardless of how she declines.

17th:

I just got woken up by a loud bang only to realize that my child pulled a me on me. She climbed into my bed, cuddled up to me, ran her fingers through my hair and sang happy birthday because that's her favorite song. She put me to sleep so she could get up, drive her power wheels truck around, and drink pancake syrup that she stole from the fridge. When she saw that she had been caught, this child had the audacity to tell me that I should be in bed.

19th:

Have you ever worked so hard to make something only to finally get it complete and realize that you must have done something wrong because the damn thing never shuts off? That's what it's like having a child. You work for months to somehow build a miniature version of yourself, but for some reason, the part of you that thoroughly enjoys sleep doesn’t get transferred through genetics. Every night when bedtime comes rolling around, there is kicking, screaming, crying, pleading, and that's not even including your child's reaction. When I left the hospital, I asked for a manual but all I’ve ever gotten was laughed at. After two years, I finally discovered it, the off switch. It's hidden on her earlobe. I knew there should have been instructions, but I was left to figure it out on my own. I might just be figuring this whole mom thing out.

20th:

My child acts so much like my husband that I constantly forget which one I’ve been fighting with. This man will go to work for ten to twelve hours a day, which I’m more grateful for than I could ever fully express, while I’m home trying to wrangle his mini-me, saving her from herself for the millionth time today. I deal with tantrums all day because I won’t let her play with knives, clothesline herself, go outside naked, wash her hair in the toilet, or eat chips for breakfast. As soon as my husband walks in the door and asks me what's wrong, I will just look at him like, bro... we’ve been fighting all damn day. He usually responds by reminding me that we’ve barely spoken all day due to him working and all I can do is point to his clone because they act like the same person. I honestly had no idea that I’d work so hard for nine months to build a tiny replica of my husband.

22nd:

My husband brought McDonald's home for dinner. He got himself a sweet tea because he drinks most of it and then let's our moddler have the flavored melted ice after he's finished. She took it, finished it, and decided she needed a refill, but she can’t reach the sink, so she tried to fill it up in the toilet. I obviously shut that idea down very quickly. I took the cup and threw it away while explaining how disgusting drinking toilet water is. This obvious act of betrayal from me infuriated her. She acted as though I had ruined her entire life as she screamed, cried, rolled around on the floor, and then ran to her room, slamming her door behind her. About five minutes later, she came out acting like a completely different person. It's like she had forgotten what had transpired just moments ago that caused her to flip out. I thought everything was fine after that. I was naive. After a few moments, she claimed she had to pee. I didn’t think anything of it until I realized she was taking an awfully long time. I went to check on her and as I rounded the corner, I saw the most disgusting sight I’ve ever seen in my life. She was sitting in her chair right next to the toilet with the straw from the McDonald's cup, drinking the water STRAIGHT FROM THE BOWL! I immediately starting gagging as she took the straw out of her mouth, looked straight at me and said, mmm, ilicous! I. JUST. CAN’T.

23rd:

Tonight, I thought I was losing my mind because I kept hearing things. I heard chewing and it instantly drove me nuts because I knew I heard it even though everyone was asleep. I had moved my moddler to her own bed and I was almost asleep when the sound hit my ears like a damn blow horn. I reached for my phone, turned on the flashlight and looked around. My husband was asleep. The dog was asleep. My room-sharing toddler was asleep in her bed on the other side of my bedroom, and I was convinced I was hearing things. I turned the flashlight off and got comfortable only to hear it again! I checked everyone again to find everyone still asleep. This happened three more times until I got up and turned the light on because either I was having a nervous breakdown or someone/thing was chewing something somewhere. I was determined to get to the bottom of it. I got all comfortable again and closed my eyes to give the illusion that I was asleep. This time, I heard ruffling and as I opened my eyes, I saw tiny bright blue eyes searching to see if I was awake. I then watched this child pull something out of her pullup and start chewing on