Letters to William: A Journey of Healing through the Pain of Estrangement

By David B. Koll

"Dad, you will never meet your grandson."

These are the words that opened David Koll's soul to a world of anguish. Denial provided a soothing escape for a time, but eventually reality set in: His estranged relationship with his daughter was indeed going to keep him from meeting his cherished first grandson. David begins to writ

• Language: English
• Publisher: New Degree Press
• Release date: May 20, 2022
• ISBN: 9798885041775

Book preview

Letters to William

A Journey of Healing through the Pain of Estrangement

David B. Koll

new degree press

copyright © 2022 David B. Koll

All rights reserved.

Letters to William

A Journey of Healing through the Pain of Estrangement

ISBN

979-8-88504-071-6 Paperback

979-8-88504-627-5 Kindle Ebook

979-8-88504-177-5 Digital Ebook

To my wife, Cyndi,

You have never failed the promise.

I love you.

To my mother, who has given me wings to be fearless, and to my father, who demonstrated the best of what a man should be.

Godspeed, Mom.

I miss you constantly.

Contents

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Letter from the Author

Introduction

Our Journey Begins

The Letter You May Never Read

Your First Day

CHAMP’S CHALLENGE...

From William Thomas To Little Tree

The Titanic

Yesterday Is Our Reference, Not Our Residence

Our Foundation

The Family

Our Wolfpack Code

Low Bait Confidence

CHAMP’S CHALLENGE...

Do We Have to Stop Loving Them All

Our Beautiful Life

People Are Starving

Why Are We Escaping?

One-Way Hinges

Time for Others

The World Is Not Flat

Your Routines Will Drive Your Behaviors

CHAMP’S CHALLENGE...

Our Role as Parents

Yesterday Was Hard as Well

Parenting 101

Perfect Is a Lie

Pushing All In

A Crazy Jenga Game

Stopping Is Harder Than Starting

Maybe Seek First to Understand

Be Compelling and Relevant

The Parenting Puzzle

Our Birth Adventures

Houdini Your Mom Isn’t

People Are Messy

The Divorce

Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy

How Do You Blame an Echo?

A New Job Description

Faith Requires Faith

Never Lock the Door

CHAMP’S CHALLENGE...

Can I Really Be Dad Again?

Pray to Be Present

How Long Can You Keep a Secret?

You Are Never Alone

How Much Does Hope Cost?

Frontwaze and Backwaze

Tired of Wanting

CHAMP’S CHALLENGE...

A Prayer Will Always Find Its Intended Destination

When Is Enough Enough?

Champ’s Favorite Letters

Proximity and Preconditions

Heaven Is Visible Every Day

Love Comes without Conditions

God Has a Plan

Amazon Had Nothing on Sears

Rubber Duckies

A Perfect Ten

A Masters Experience

Dirty Martinis and Birthday Cake

Nature’s Life Tax

Life’s Lyrics

Crappy Days

Why Have You Forsaken Me?

Always Strings Attached

CHAMP’S CHALLENGE...

It’s at About This Point Panic Sets In

Father’s Day

CHAMP’S CHALLENGE...

How Many More Sleeps?

The Day the Prayer Landed

A New Day Arrives

One Last Bridge

Why Why Why

Paid in Full

Champ’s Last Challenge

Acknowledgments

A prayer will never fail to find its intended destination.

—Grandpa Champ

Letter from the Author

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At the core, this book is for my grandson William, but it also is an honest and authentic view into the pain of estrangement. It shows the path taken through the darkness, capturing the hurt as well as humor along with compelling life lessons from me, a.k.a. Grandpa Champ.

What started as simple letters to my grandson has now become a calling. How can these letters written in darkness help illuminate the path for so many others who are struggling, trapped in relationships without hope? Doors locked due to lies, behaviors fueled by misguided stipulations, and penalties designed to deter any reconciliation. This cycle of estrangement needs to stop.

It is my mission to find peace in my own family and shine for so many others who are also lost.

I pray that if you are dealing with the pain of estrangement, you will unlock your heart’s door and allow the prayers of many to find their intended destination.

Why a book of letters?

I decided to keep the framework and structure of letters. I’ve been told it’s called an epistolary. I had no idea what that even meant until I started this book-writing process. This format is not a flowing novel with a classic hero’s journey that begins in a place far, far away with plot twists and intriguing characters.

This book is life captured in moments, snippets of experiences, and unvarnished emotions.

We all experience precious moments; however, far too many are not preserved for future generations.

I wrote them for my grandson to find one day long after I was gone. I assumed someone would find a dusty box full of handwritten letters and ultimately share them with the family. However, the more I wrote, the more the pages demanded to find relevance beyond the inside of a box. I had thousands upon thousands of words on pages. Letters written and sitting in boxes, waiting for a reason to find the light of day. I pulled several from the piles I thought best captured the essence of my journey and found a few more that I thought would even benefit others who are struggling in the darkness.

Pain Is Pain

How can I capture the pain I endured without the authentic reality of the experience?

Push too much ink, and I can come off vindictive, full of vitriol. Just another behind the scenes tell-all he said she said about a father’s relationship with his children destroyed by divorce and pride. We all have those friends who never miss the chance to humiliate their ex-spouse or blame the other for all the crazy in the world.

It gets old very quickly.

While I scrubbed out the vast majority of blame and vitriol, I purposely wanted some of it to remain. We have to understand pain’s influence and value to propel us forward.

Estrangement sucks. Disaffection is poison. I don’t blame my children for their choices. I blame myself and their mother for creating the environment for the soul-stealing weapon of estrangement in the first place.

My kids lost hope.

They lost trust.

They lost their hold on the family tree limb.

They have given up and now believe they are better off.

Estrangement is the direct symptom of hopelessness.

While I don’t blame them for their choices, I still can’t hide the devastation it causes. The impacts are real and painful.

The breakdown of the relationship with my daughter and her siblings is not due to a single event or cause. My grandson’s ransom will not be paid with standard apologies and stipulations finally met or legal demands of compliance.

It had to start with me, my own awareness of the cause and effect of my actions.

Not superficially, but at my core. Cut down to the marrow of my soul.

Before I pointed one finger, I realized I had four pointing back at me.

My life has been a tale of two realities. I suffered in silence and shame at home, hiding in the corner during family conversations, while at work, I was recognized for my ability to create diamonds. I have led hundreds and have spoken to even more from the stage at corporate events.

I felt alive on the corporate stage with huge crowds, yet very alone on this stage of estrangement.

This stage does not have an audience, just a spotlight of judgment and guilt. It was only after the stage lights lowered that I realized the auditorium was standing-room-only, with so many others suffering the pain of broken relationships.

So many believing they were alone.

You are not alone. However, like me, you probably have some work to do.

Pulse Check

Okay, if you’ve gotten this far, I think it’s only fair to take a few more minutes to set the table for the remainder of your experience.

My mom always told me the only way we can ever disappoint another person is when we are not aligned on the expectations in the beginning.

I am not going to overload you with dramatic graphs and heart-wrenching statistics. Let’s face it; 87.3 percent of all numbers are made up on the spot anyway. Wait, 73.2 percent. That’s the number. Are you picking up what I’m putting down? This is not a book of regurgitated expertise to prove my points. This book is a journey of hope and faith, ultimately finding its intended destination. There’s not a pot of gold at the end, and it’s definitely not a fairytale ending; rather, there’s just a promise to leave the door unlocked for the next steps of my perfectly imperfect relationship with my daughter.

My Faith and Yours

You will find that I refer to my faith and religion throughout. I’m encouraging a significant amount of prayer, but please don’t feel as if I’m attempting any conversion scheme. I can assure you I’m not. As a practicing Catholic, I want to be very honest. I love my faith; however, at best, I’m practicing in faith and in no way close to perfect. I firmly believe there is always space for another hypocrite next to me at church.

While I love my church, I fully understand and appreciate all alternative viewpoints and philosophies.

In the end, no matter what street you take to eternity, all roads will eventually get you there.

I do need a favor though. When you do get up to heaven, please talk with a very soft voice and walk lightly, as my mom believes only Catholics are invited to the party.

I believe you’re reading this book for a reason.

I believe there are no happy accidents.

I believe we are all connected.

Whether it’s God or karma (or another source), we’re all here for each other.

All prayers will ultimately find their intended destination.

You are not alone.

Estrangement affects almost every family directly or indirectly. Social media and today’s environment of you deserve better and eliminate all toxicity from our lives has created disposable family relationships.

Too often, people are given the advice that if they don’t like the way someone is treating them, they should simply excise them from their life. Unfriend them. Stop following them. Ghost them. Family relationships that require effort, energy, and forgiveness are devalued and relegated to deleted status.

Family structures and their associated support are being decimated by divorce, only further compounding the pain of estrangement. A perfect storm that will affect generations of families.

People may believe they are powerless to other people’s decisions, but I believe every prayer will find its intended destination.

My First Steps

I had a few questions at the start of this journey.

•How can my journey through the pain and darkness illuminate the path for others who are lost?

•How can my letters inspire others to seek solutions without one-sided stipulations, opening doors long locked to darkness?

•How can my experiences and anecdotes propel others to capture their own for future generations?

The answers will depend on both me and you.

I didn’t know anything about parental alienation or preferred parents syndrome before it happened to me. I just assumed everybody’s family truly had a relationship that was unbreakable. No matter what happened in the family, you were always a family. I was so shocked when I found out that wasn’t the case. So many people are struggling in silence without help.

Throughout the book, you will be encouraged to find your story within mine, whether estranged from a family member or estranged from your own self-worth. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and an anecdote is worth a thousand pictures. I believe not only will my grandson benefit from these letters, but so will you.

Take the time to truly reflect and engage with the letters and challenges. Scan the QR codes within the challenges for a deeper opportunity to discover the possibilities. You have to engage, and then you have to ask the deep question that leads to a conversation, and ultimately, that conversation opens up the door to a relationship.

That, my friends, is when and where the prayer finds its intended destination.

Introduction

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It was an unusually warm day in Omaha when my youngest daughter Allison tossed an explosive throwaway statement my way over lunch.

Dad, you will never meet your grandson.

At first, I let it go, pretending I didn’t hear the threat, but then she continued.

She’s mad at you.

She was referring to her older sister Caitlin, my first child. A child I had not spoken directly to for the past seven years. A relationship marred by broken promises and missed opportunities. Years of exile due to reasons long forgotten; however, the punishment remained.

Whatever. I will see him, I responded.

She shook her head, and I felt something different this time. A shiver. Nah. It was just an argument. It wasn’t a huge deal. No way she’d go through with it. Would she?

Except I’d forgotten how she’d been raised. Arguments and anger taken as singular events would amount to simple frustration in normal family relationships. Not ours. The simplest slights or perceived threats would be met with significant consequences. Apologies would be demanded and, once provided, be met with a flurry of further accrued penalties. Bail would be set, there would be zero tolerance for any breach, and all petitions for any leniency had to be reviewed by the family judges. Mom and Dad. The blame for this behavior rested not on my three children. Nope. The kids were just following the script long set by their parents. We were the superpowers in a cold war, and our children became proxies for our insanity.

My daughter announced her pregnancy through normal family social networks. I was so excited. Our first grandchild. Past pain could now be buried by the birth of a new generation. A generation unaware of the past sins or vendettas. A break from the story of the past and now a new blank page going forward.

My heart was full of anticipation. My joy and legacy would soon arrive.

Months passed. Calls unanswered and social media now blocked. This was feeling different. The more I called, the more I panicked, the more it was clear I perceived a change of heart an unlikely outcome.

I kept waiting for the threat to be pulled back from the brink. I kept asking her siblings. Nothing was changing her mind. She was due to deliver her son any day. I was in full panic mode.

While flying back to Omaha on a redeye flight, I got a text from my son:

Your grandson was born today.

His name is William Thomas.

I sat in my seat and wept, embarrassed and alone.

How could this be happening? Why was this happening?

The experience of having a first grandchild, normally celebrated with friends and family, would now be lost forever. All of the normal reactions and celebratory announcements. Lost. I felt lost. I felt ashamed.

I had created this.

Brutal emptiness. This was going to happen. Who was I kidding? It was happening.

Alone and sitting at the darkened kitchen table returning from the airport, I raised my glass of Irish whiskey and toasted my new grandson.

I could feel my soul filling up with emotions.

I knew immediately that I couldn’t allow this