I Don't Hate You

By Justin Kaise

The ONLY, totally not ghost-written, comprehensive, enlightening, and engaging compendium of brilliant insight and proactive solutions ever released by any Presidential Candidate.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Justin Kaise
• Release date: May 3, 2022
• ISBN: 9781005531010

Justin Kaise

Author, comedian, and future President.

Book preview

Table of Contents

Introduction……………………………………………………………………….……………….5The Importance of Being Deceptive…………………………………………….…………….....10

Pandemic Response Planning vs. Plandemic Response Panning……………………………......13

Making Social Security Solvent Again!........................................................................................17

Misinformation and the Need for Common Sense Speech Control………………………….......19

War and Other Nebulous Concepts………………………………………………………………26

Requiem for Prohibition…………………………………………………………………………28

The Opioid Crisis………………………………………………………………………………..33

Immigration Reform…………………………………………………………………………......36

Pedicide vs. Misogyny – The Great Abortion Debate…………………………………………...37

Body-Image, Bullying, and the Automotive Industry…………………………………………...39

Common Sense Second-Amendment Control…………………………………………………...42

Cisquality………………………………………………………………………………………...44

Introducing Your Next Vice President…………………………………………………………..46

Social Theory and its Role in Policymaking……………………………………………….……47

Gay Marriage……………………………………………………………………………….……53

Social Assistance Programs and the Function of Suffering………………………………….…..55

The Ant and the Grasshopper (Updated)………………………………………………………...59

Facile Fiscal Façade……………………………………………………….……………………..63

Minimum Wage, Social Contract Theory, and the Function of Criminal Justice………………..65

The Emperor’s New Potemkin Village…………………………………………………………..70

Healthcare Reform…..…………………………………………………………………………...79

Soda Sizes, Cigarettes, and Healthcare……………………………………………….………….81

Race Relations, COVID, and the Importance of Learning Mandarin……………………………84

Re-Imagining Ukrainian Defense………………………………………………………………..87

Ontology and Other Confusing Words for Navel Gazing……………………………………..90

Knowledge, Brainwashing, and Education………………………………………………………93

Statutory Rape and the Cosmic Moral Continuum……………………………………………..101

Student Loans, College Education, and the Critical Role of Bullshit …………………………..103

Liberty and What It’s Not………………………………………………………………………108

Introduction

Recent civil unrest in western countries has shed light on a fundamental disconnect between governments and the governed. The Freedom Convoy in Canada is a good example. The objectives of that protest were clearly defined. The simpering, little lovechild of Fidel Castro and a five-gallon pail of lite soy product, Justin Trudeau, was using the Canadian government as a cudgel in a draconian game of Mussolini Says so it was pretty simple for Canadians to get together and say, We’ll move our trucks when you rescind the tracking chip and anal probe mandates.

But The U.S. dropped most of their significant federal mandates after the Supreme Court reminded Former Vice President Biden that the Constitution is still a thing. So, what are the objectives of all the people crap-posting 3-percenter and boog boi and rooftop-voter internet memes and slapping Let’s Go Brandon bumper stickers on their trucks? The only obnoxious thing our government is doing is lying. Are all those disgruntled people planning to demand that the government stop lying? That would be kind of difficult to quantify or turn into a realistic ultimatum, especially when we really don’t want them to stop lying.

What? You don’t want them to stop lying, do you?

The entire scope and breadth of politician’s job, his entire reason to exist, is to tell lies that give his constituents a warm and fuzzy feeling. A politician’s success is not judged by the impacts of his policy decisions or how many people he indirectly killed. He is judged entirely and exclusively on how good, and benevolent, and palatable his lies are. Not only do we not want our politicians to stop lying, we would lose our collective minds if a politician started experimenting with honesty.

Wait, you mean the Federal Reserve is just a group of private banks and not part of the government? But it’s got ‘Federal’ right there in the name! Wait, you mean our government confiscated all of the gold from Americans, at gunpoint, and gave it to private banks in exchange for $20 paper IOUs per ounce, just because the private banks asked them to? You mean, that $20 IOU in our wallets, that says Federal Reserve Note" is not exchangeable for the thing it’s supposedly backed by because every ounce of gold we gave to the banks in exchange for a $20 IOU is now equal in value to one hundred $20 IOU notes just because that’s what the Fed says it’s worth now? Okay, that seems shady, but at least all that gold is still here in the US, locked safely up in Ft. Knox. I mean, people check on that, right? Surely somebody in charge ensured that the private banks couldn’t just trade all that confiscated gold to other countries for political influence or to manipulate foreign wars! Something like that would be caught in an audit of some kind, right? Oh, we’ve never audited the private banks that stole all our wealth and exchanged it for aggressively devaluing pieces of paper…? Ya know what? Just lie to me. I’ll sleep much better that way.

"Wait, you mean we’ve spent over a trillion dollars in a war on drugs and the problem has only become worse? You mean we spend over $80 billion every single year on prisons to put grown adults in ‘time out’, and more than half of them are there because of non-violent drug charges? You mean the DEA’s drug schedule was written fifty years ago by Southern Baptist bureaucrats with no knowledge or experience with drugs and is based on racist ideas and corrupt special interest influences from seventy years ago? The DEA’s drug schedule says that marijuana and meth are essentially the same thing but that crack cocaine is orders of magnitude worse than powder cocaine? And, for some reason, all of this has done nothing to help fix the problem? That can’t be right, can it? If it’s been failing for so long, why hasn’t it been, you know, adjusted or something? Oh, because the DEA, the Prison Industrial Complex, and District Attorney’s offices are all constructed on a foundation of failed drug policies and exist primarily to maintain them? Yeah. If you could just go back to lying to me, that’d be great… 

If we caught a politician dabbling in honesty, we would recall referendum that con artist immediately.

Hey, we voted for someone who promised to shelter us from inconvenient realities by pretending everything is fine and here you are telling us that, not only are there problems, but some of them are also going to be difficult to solve! This is not what your campaign promised! GTFO!

People would never tolerate a politician who admitted that directing resources toward a particular problem means that those resources aren’t available to address other problems. We all know that basic truth in our real lives.

Hey, sweetie, the car started running funny this morning so I bought a new one.

What? How are we going to pay for that? We’re on a pretty tight budget.

Well, between our grocery budget and our cell phone budget there’s enough money to make payments on the new car!

What about when we need groceries and the cell phone bill is due?

Oh, we can cover those costs with the electric and gas budgets.

Um, any chance we’ll need to pay for gas and electric in the near future?

If we do, we’ll just cover it out of the new car budget. You know what? Why are you anti-car? Why are you lobbying against the automotive industry? You know a new car is better for the environment, right? So, now you hate the environment too? Who am I even married to?"

If a politician was so short sighted as to follow the same simple logic that we all just intuitively apply to our personal budgets, there’d be editorials about how much they hate children and education and clean water and apple pie and puppies and we’d probably burn them in effigy in the streets. Consider what happens every time there is a hurricane or a wildfire or an oil spill? If the government doesn’t immediately provide the money and resources to help recovery efforts, it’s because the politicians in charge are greedy, unresponsive, ineffective, hate the environment, hate waterfowl, hate small business, hate clean water, and probably minorities and trans people.

What if a politician said, listen, we could help get this disaster cleaned up a little faster but before we commit $90 million to the effort, let’s consider whether or not there are better uses for those resources. Might it be better spent on technology to prevent future oil spills? Or feeding low-income children or addressing homelessness or launching another war? How about just giving it to counties that hate us? Or we could fund the arts or scientific research into the effects of ecstasy on the sex habits of the lesser spotted tree newt.

No! The only reality we will countenance is one in which politicians fund ALL of those things and do it without raising taxes or impacting us personally in any way. We will ONLY elect politicians who lie to us and say that, not only is it possible, they have a plan and it will cost you zero. We categorically reject the notion that sometimes there are tough choices and compromises. We want our politicians to tell us that everything is fine and they have it all under control.

Ducks quack, dropped objects fall, and politicians lie. We have some amazingly talented, intelligent, popular, and effective leaders in this country. Can they be president? Hell No! Mike Rowe? Elon Musk? Joko Willink? Jeff Bezos? David Goggins? Those jokers are all too infatuated with reality to be politicians. [Yeah, and some of them weren’t born here. What, you’re a Constitutional scholar now?] A handful of honest politicians have taken a run at the POTUS seat and they’re all widely dismissed as political clowns; Ralph Nader, Ross Perot, Bernie Sanders, Ron Paul. Some of these guys may have had dumb ideas but that would have put them in good company with previous presidents. Dumb ideas are not why they failed. The Achilles heel that stood between each of these politicians and a successful presidential bid was their inability or unwillingness to lie effectively. These shortsighted losers couldn’t muster the fortitude to deceive their way through even a single presidential campaign.

This was the thought process that led me to an epiphany. As seraphim descended and laid upon my lips a glowing ember from the altar, cleansing them of imperfection, I heard the voice of The Lord inquire, Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?

Then said I, Here am I, Lord. Send me.

Not only am I charming and just about busting at the seams with brilliant ideas, I am a virtual savant in the fine art of bullshit; essentially, the perfect politician, and the perfect President. Not only would I happily invest taxpayer money to provide the masses with sand in which to bury their heads while I bring my agenda to fruition, I would perform the job spectacularly. I’ve come to terms with the fact that every election cycle in which I’ve deprived our country of the benefit of my talents, benevolent and comforting deception, and brilliant leadership, were elections in which I selfishly obligated our nation to settle for a lesser leader. I now recognize and accept my obligation, my calling, to fill the role of Plato’s Benevolent Executive and to do so while overtly