Guys Can Be Cat Ladies Too: A Guidebook for Men and Their Cats

By Michael Showalter

“Mixes the funny with the feline . . . Showalter makes us laugh while revealing that he’s a big softie who cares a lot about the future of felines.” —Catster

Michael Showalter’s Guys Can Be Cat Ladies Too is the hilarious all-access guide to help a man comprehend, appreciate, and bond with the felines in his life. They say dogs are a man’s best friend. True! But what if that man’s girlfriend/boyfriend, wife/husband, or mother-in-law has a cat? Is that the end for him? Is he resigned to an eternity of estrangement from this furry creature with which he shares his life partner, his favorite chair, and his sock drawer? Showalter offers hope for men everywhere in their quest to understand and love cats. In this intimate portrait of one man’s love for cats, you will learn the answers to burning questions such as: Why are they all aloof and weird and stuff?; They hate me, right?; and Is it true that they have nine lives? Armed with these and countless other valuable lessons, by the book’s end any guy can be on the fast track to becoming a cat’s best friend.

“Showalter enlightens the male species on how to become loving cat people . . . it’s an inside scoop on how men can learn to love the felines that come into their lives by no choice of their own.” —Trend Hunter

“Fabulously illustrated.” —Entertainment Weekly

• Language: English
• Publisher: Open Road Integrated Media
• Release date: Sep 3, 2013
• ISBN: 9781613125458

Book preview

CONTENTS

Introduction

WHICH OF THESE GUYS ARE YOU?

1. Girlfriend Has a Cat Guy

You’ve just met the woman of your dreams, but she has a cat. You think cats are weird and aloof, but she’s obsessed with the cat. You’re afraid that if you can’t get on board with the cat, she’ll dump you.

2. Roommate Has a Cat Guy

Your new roommate has a cat. You really like your roommate, and more important you really like your room, but the cat scares you and freaks you out and won’t leave you alone, and now you’re thinking about either killing it or moving out.

3. Boss Has a Cat Guy

Your boss has cats. He wants to show you pictures of them all the time, but to you they just look like big, hairy squirrel faces, and you’re afraid that if you don’t act all gooey about it, you’ll lose your job and become a hobo.

4. Moving In with Your Girlfriend Guy

You and your main squeeze are finally moving in together, but you’re worried that her cats won’t like you and will treat you like you’re some kind of creepy new boyfriend trying to edge in on their territory.

5. Cat-Curious Guy

You’re a guy and you just straight up want a cat, but you’re afraid of these new feelings. If I get a cat, will I ever get laid again? you ask yourself. Admit it: You’re cat curious.

Hello, future fellow Cat Lady Guy, and welcome to this book!

If any of these guys sound like you, then you’ve come to the right place. Let’s face it: you, like so many other dudes, have zero idea how to deal with a cat. It’s like they say, Men are from Mars, cats are from Venus. Cats are as alien as, well, aliens.

Cats are complicated, and though you retain many endearing qualities (you can crush a beer can on your forehead, you can juggle a Hacky Sack and talk on the phone at the same time, you can recite entire South Park episodes by heart), you lack the refinement and sensitivities necessary for successful cat cohabitation.

And really, at the end of the day, don’t you want to be more than just a dude who lives with a cat? Don’t you seek a relationship beyond just roomies? Don’t you want to share your life with something? And then, if it goes well, get another one? Maybe there are multiple cats that strike your fancy. Get five! Get twenty-five! No judgment here. One man’s pepper is another man’s porridge.

But, Mike, I’m hopeless! I tried to pet my girlfriend’s cat and it hissed at me and scratched my face.

Fret not, [insert your name], because in these pages, I will teach you and all other guys, even the most hopeless of Neanderthals, everything you need to know so that you can get along with, appreciate, understand, and, yes, love that most mysterious and elusive of God’s creatures: the domestic house cat. Before too long, [insert your name], you’ll be doing a lot more than just petting your cat, I promise you that.

Allow this guide to take you on a journey of self-discovery—in the span of 176 pages you will be transformed from a butt-picking, misshapen, semi-incompetent caveman into a true pet-loving gentleman, into maybe, just maybe, a FULL. FLEDGED. CAT LADY. That’s right, you heard me correctly, a Cat Lady.

Fellas, if you complete my course all the way to its final chapter, you too can walk around all day in sweatpants mumbling to yourself about coupons while thousands of little cat eyes watch your every move. You too can share meaningful conversations that are one part Here, kitty! to two parts Meow!

Because you know what, friend?

Guys can be cat ladies too.

A Note to Girlfriends, Roommates, and Wives

First let me say that I understand you and what you’ve been through and what he’s put you through and what he’s put your cat or cats through and I want you to know that your guy is in good hands with me. He is unquestionably a hard case, pathetic even, but in my experience no situation is too difficult to overcome. It will take time, of course. We will need to break him down and rebuild from the first brick. He must unlearn what little he already knows and be taught new things. But I assure you, it can be done. My only advice is that you please try to be patient and supportive during this turbulent time as he learns how to become a more complete person.

A PICTORIAL GLOSSARY OF BASIC TERMS