Of Love and Redemption: Tainted Love Saga, #7

By Kayla Lowe

In the final book of the Tainted Love Saga, Sarah MacKenzie confronts the haunting shadows of her own transgressions, navigating a tumultuous journey through regret, redemption, and the complexities of self-forgiveness. The weight of her sins bears down heavily upon her shoulders, transforming her into a reflection of everything she once despised. In a desperate bid to atone for the choices that led her astray, she takes a harrowing step back into the arms of her abusive husband.

 

As Sarah returns to the source of her pain, the lines between redemption and damnation blur, and the question looms like a specter in the shadows: Will this perilous decision be the catalyst for her redemption, or will it seal her fate in a cycle of despair? The emotional tapestry of her journey unfolds against the backdrop of inner turmoil, as she grapples with the consequences of her actions and confronts the demons that threaten to consume her.

 

The conclusion of the Tainted Love Saga explores the fragility of the human spirit, the complexities of forgiveness, and the transformative power of self-discovery. Join Sarah as she navigates the treacherous terrain of a heart torn between the yearning for redemption and the shackles of past mistakes. Will she find the strength to break free from the cycle of self-destruction, or is she condemned to a fate dictated by the choices of her darkest hours?

 

The final chapter of the Tainted Love Saga invites readers to witness a woman's journey through the crucible of her own making, where the pursuit of redemption becomes a powerful testament to the resilience of the human spirit. Can Sarah rise above the shadows of her past, or is she destined to be ensnared by the chains of her own remorse? Explore the depths of her soul as she grapples with the consequences of her actions in a story that resonates with the complexities of womanhood, strength, and the indomitable will to find light in the darkest corners of the heart.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Kayla Lowe
• Release date: Dec 12, 2021
• ISBN: 9798201945640

Kayla Lowe

Award-winning author Kayla Lowe writes women's fiction that explores complex themes with sensitivity and depth. Kayla's books delve into the intricacies of relationships, self-discovery, and resilience. From cozy love stories interspersed with a bit of faith to heartwarming tales of friendship and suspenseful novels of empowerment and heartbreak, her books illustrate the struggles specific to women. When she's not churning out her next novel, you can find her with her feet in the sand and a book in her hand or curled up on the couch with her dogs.  Go to www.authorkaylalowe.com for a free book!

Book preview

CHAPTER 1

A feeling of nostalgia and excitement settled over me as I took in the palm trees lining the highway.

Florida.

I was on my way back to my husband. I had left Adrian, the gentle giant who treated me better than my husband ever had, to come down to be with my husband and give our marriage another chance.

I’d forgiven Bruce time and time again for hitting me. In turn, he was going to put the past behind us too. Me cheating on him with two different men. Me sending him to jail on his birthday.

After he’d kicked me in my pregnant stomach, of course.

I frowned. To the casual observer, I knew how it sounded. It sounded like we had a toxic relationship.

And maybe we did.

Hell, I didn’t know. All I knew was that I had to try to make it work with Bruce again. I had to see if he would really put everything behind us and if things could ever be good again.

What happens in Tennessee stays in Tennessee. That’s what he’d said.

We’d find out.

I damn near jumped out of my skin when my cell phone started ringing. I glanced down at it and felt my heart leap up into my throat when I saw the name flashing on the screen.

Adrian.

I picked up the phone and hesitated, my thumb hovering over the accept call button. I moved my thumb to hover over the decline call button before I moved it back over to accept and tapped the screen to place the call on speakerphone.

Hello? I answered.

Hey, sweetheart, Adrian's deep voice filled my car.

Hey, I said back, my heart both warming and wrenching at the same time. I wouldn't be able to talk to Adrian so freely like this in just a few hours. When I finally returned to Bruce, there would be no more calls between us. Not unless I snuck behind my husband's back and placed them, and if I was really going to try to make this work between Bruce and me, I couldn't be doing that. I would have to go back in with my husband one hundred percent.

I just wanted to hear your little voice again and make sure you were getting there safely, Adrian said, ever concerned about me—even though I was leaving him to go back to another man.

Part of me felt shame and guilt over leaving a good man like Adrian, but then there was that other part of me that reminded myself that I'd never really been Adrian's, and he'd known that upfront. He knew from day one I was married. If I should feel guilty toward anyone, it should be my husband. No matter how abusive he'd been or how drunk and vulnerable I'd been, it still hadn't been right to cheat on him.

To cheat on him and get pregnant with another man's baby.

I felt a stab of pain deep within my soul at the thought of the baby I'd aborted and quickly pushed all those thoughts away.

I couldn't dwell on that right now.

Thinking about it wouldn't change anything.

I just had to forget about it.

How far away are you? he asked me, bringing me back from my thoughts when I didn't say anything.

Just a couple of hours until I get there.

I miss you already, his voice was subdued and forlorn.

Adrian, I… words failed me, so I didn't say anything else.

He sighed, a heavy exhale of breath. I know, sweetheart. I didn't call to try to make you feel guilty. I'm just used to telling you how I feel. I'm still in love with you, little girl.

Again, I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything.

He cleared his throat. You just be careful. You hear me? And I know you won't be able to text me every day, but try to send me one every now and then so I don't worry myself to death over you. If he hits you even one time, please, please come back, Sarah. Don't stay and let that bastard use you like a punching bag. You deserve better than that. You've got better than that waiting right here for you.

Finally, I was able to find my voice. Adrian, I began slowly, you shouldn't wait for me. It's not fair. You should move on. Find yourself another girl. One who can be committed to you the way you deserve.

There was a long pause before Adrian said, Maybe I should.

I felt a stab in my heart at the thought of him with someone else, but I meant what I said. I was going back to my husband. I couldn't be with both of them at the same time. It wasn’t fair to expect Adrian to put his life on hold and wait indefinitely for me. Still, it hurt to think of losing him to someone else.

How messed up was it that I could feel that way when I was leaving him for another man?

But I already know I won't, Adrian added. I'm just gonna be straight up with you, sweetheart. I don't care how long we're apart, if you ever decide you want to come back to me, you call me. If I have another woman in here, I'll kick her ass to the curb in a heartbeat to have you back.

I frowned. I knew what he was trying to say, but the way he'd worded that was wrong on so many levels, like he would use another woman to replace me and then discard her like so much trash if I decided I wanted my spot back.

I need to go, I told him. I'm coming into the city. Adrian knew I didn't like to be on the phone when I was in the city where I'd need all my concentration focused on the road.

Okay, sweetheart, his voice was dejected again. I guess this is the last time I'll talk to you for a while. You remember everything I told you, okay? And I love you.

Silence stretched between us, and I knew what he was waiting for, what he so desperately wanted to hear.

I love you too, I finally told him, and it wasn't a lie. I did love Adrian. But I loved Bruce too. I'd loved Bruce longer, though. I had more history with Bruce.

And I'd chosen Bruce.

Like I'd been doing since the day I turned eighteen.

Bruce called me when my GPS said that I was just five minutes away from where he was staying at his buddy Ron's house.

Angel princess, where are you? the excitement was evident in his voice.

I smiled, my heart doing a somersault of nervousness in my chest. Just five minutes away, according to my GPS.

Okay, babygirl. I'll see you soon. He hung up, and I tossed my cell phone back over into the empty passenger seat.

When I finally pulled up the tiny hill that was Ron's driveway and parked my car outside the open garage doors, I saw Bruce, Ron, and Ron's brother, Ken, all sitting in the open garage smoking cigarettes.

A wave of memories crashed over me as I remembered seeing them like this when I was just eighteen years old and Bruce first brought me down to Florida. We'd lived a few blocks up the street at an apartment and hotel combination called the Putnam, and we used to walk down here to hang out with Ron and Ken and go swimming in their modest-sized in-ground swimming pool.

I couldn't see the pool over the wooden fence surrounding it, but I was pretty sure it was closed up for the wintertime. It was near the end of October, and while it wasn't nearly as cold down here as it was up in Tennessee, it wasn't quite warm enough for outdoor swimming either.

Bruce was already stomping out his cigarette in the ash tray when I put the car in park.

By the time I opened the door to step out, he was standing there, pulling me out and enfolding me in his arms tightly.

He pressed a chaste kiss against my lips instead of kissing me the way I knew he really wanted to, knowing that I didn't like tasting the nicotine on his breath when he'd been smoking.

I missed you so much, angel, he told me when he pulled back and held my shoulders, looking down at me. I saw his eyes flick down to my stomach, and his jaw hardened before he shook his head and schooled his features, obviously placated to find my tummy still flat.

Wrapping an arm around my shoulders, he led me over to where the guys sat still smoking.

Hey, Sarah, the brothers greeted me almost unanimously.

Hey, Ron, Ken, I nodded to each of them in turn. Thank you guys for letting us stay here. Are you sure it's alright?

Ron waved away my question. Of course, we got the spare bedroom. Y'all are no trouble at all. We don't mind you staying here until you get back on your feet. What are friends for anyway?

Come on, angel, Bruce began pulling me toward the house. Let me show you our room.

I let Bruce lead me inside and take me to the room he'd been staying in. Wait here, he told me once he'd deposited me in the room. I'll be right back.

He left me alone in the room, and I looked around. It had a queen-sized bed, TV, small closet, and a dresser with a mirror. Basic and simple, it was clean and nice and neat. I saw some of Bruce's things scattered along the top of the dresser. His cologne, his wallet. I walked over to the dresser and laid my purse down on it.

I heard the door click closed behind me, and my eyes looked up and met Bruce's in the mirror.

He held my gaze through the glass as he stalked up behind me and circled his arms around me. He moved my hair to the side and kissed my neck softly, sensuously, sending a tremble running through me.

When he turned me, I could smell the mint of his toothpaste. I tasted it as he kissed me ardently, pulling me tightly against him.

He kissed me hungrily, like a man who was reclaiming something, as he backed me up toward the bed.

He kissed and touched me like a man who hadn't seen or been with his wife in months.

Afterward, I laid in Bruce's arms while he stroked his hands through my hair. You glad to be back down here with me, angel? he asked me.

Yes, I answered softly, though it still felt like a dream. Every time I moved from one place to another, it was always like a shock to the system. It would take some time for me to get used to my new normal and for it to stop feeling like a vacation.

I felt him shift underneath me, and I raised my head and sat up with him. He kept his arm wrapped around me, though, and pulled me into his side as I kept the covers gripped up over my chest.

Hey, what do you say we walk up to the Red Barn and see if old Habib will still give us a free bottle if we let him hug you? Bruce laughed mischievously. I didn’t think the store owner’s name was really Habib, but that’s what Bruce called him anyway.

I frowned and pushed at his shoulder. No way. I'm not going to let him put his hands on me for free crap.

Why not? It's not like other men haven't touched you before, he commented bitterly.

I recoiled from him as if slapped.

Sarah, he sighed, running a hand over his face. No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.

I just looked down at the comforter and didn’t say anything. I got it. It had to be hard knowing that your significant other had cheated on you, but I still didn't understand how he could say something like that after what we'd just done.

I just don't like thinking of you being with that bastard all this time, he growled out.

He didn't have to say his name. I knew he was talking about Adrian. The thought of me being with Adrian had always bothered Bruce more than the thought of me being with Rafe. Adrian maintained that the reason for that was because Bruce had orchestrated the whole thing with Rafe, that he'd purposefully left me at our neighbor's house knowing what would happen. That he'd drugged me and then sold me in exchange for drugs.

I didn't believe that.

I couldn't believe that.

In all actuality, I think the real reason Bruce hated Adrian more was because Adrian had been the one to get me pregnant. He'd been the one who'd been closer to stealing me away from him.

I'd never seriously considered being with Rafe, but I had been prepared to stay with Adrian and raise our baby together.

Until the abortion.

I peeked a glance over at him. You said we were going to put all that in the past. Not talk about it. Move on.

He sighed again before he pulled me back to him. We are, angel. We are. I'm sorry I brought it up. It won't happen again, he promised me.

Seriously, though, what do you say we walk up to the Barn and get some wine to celebrate being back together? he asked me.

Maybe it's not a good idea for us to drink again just yet, I suggested cautiously. We just got back together. I just don't want us to end up fighting, Bruce. Translation: I don't want you to end up dwelling on crap or turning into a psychotic asshole, Bruce, like you tend to do when you drink.

Bruce scoffed, We're not going to fight, angel princess. We're just going to relax and have some fun. You know how we do.

Yes, I did, and as we got dressed to walk up to the store, I desperately prayed that Bruce would keep his promises this time and that everything would be okay.

I wanted to drink with Bruce again if we could just relax and have fun without taking it too far, without us getting too drunk and then fighting like cats and dogs all night long. Without Bruce losing it and attacking me.

I tried to push my reservations out of my mind. If I was asking Bruce for a clean slate, then it was only fair that I give him one too. I didn’t want his thoughts to be tainted with doubts about whether I would cheat on him again, so I shouldn’t be wary of him either.

In my mind, I needed to act like he’d never hit me. I didn’t need to be guarded around him, trying to gauge his mood and half expecting an explosion to happen at any moment.

That wasn’t us anymore. We were starting over.

I had to believe that Bruce was going to be true to his word. Otherwise, why had I taken this chance to come down here and be with him? If we could no longer trust each other, then what was the basis of our marriage?

You’ve never fully been able to trust, Bruce, a little voice inside my head that sounded suspiciously like Adrian’s taunted me. He’s been deceiving you in some form or fashion since day one.

I pushed all those thoughts out of my mind, refusing to entertain them.

It turns out the owner of the Red Barn still remembered me, and he was still just as skeevy as I remembered too. He greeted me enthusiastically, babbling on about how it had been so long since I'd dropped in to see him and where had Bruce been hiding me all this time?

I felt Bruce nudge me forward when the man held out his arms for a hug, and I scowled over at my husband before I felt the Arabian man's arms wrap around me, his hands too close to my backside as usual.

I quickly pulled away from him, and he laughed and winked over at Bruce. Pick out whatever you like, beautiful, he said to me.

Bruce grabbed a couple of bottles of pinot grigio and a few packs of cigarettes before he went to the counter to pay for the cigarettes.

Not the booze, of course. That had already been paid for with my skin. Funny how Bruce didn't mind letting other men touch me when it was for his benefit, but he couldn't stand the thought of another one touching me if he thought I let him or might like it.

Come on, Sarah, Bruce laughed as we walked back up to Ron's house. Since the Barn was only a couple of blocks up from the house, we'd opted to just walk up there rather than drive the car. Besides, how would the owner have been able to get his pound of flesh from me if I'd driven through the drive thru convenience store like everyone else?

It's free wine, he winked over at me.

I don't care, I hissed back at him. You know I hate doing that.

Bruce had our wine bottles secured in the pack on his back. He pulled a cigarette from the pouch in his shirt pocket and paused long enough to light it before he reached out with his free hand and grabbed mine, threading our fingers together.

I know, but sometimes you have to take one for the team, baby, he said jokingly.

I rolled my eyes, and he laughed again.

I glanced over at him, and my irritation softened as I allowed hope to blossom in my chest. At least he was laughing and acting happy instead of dwelling on the past.

Just maybe Bruce and I really could go back to having fun.

Maybe we really could leave the past in the past.

CHAPTER 2

We started off sipping wine outside in the garage with Ron and Ken. Well, Ron wasn't drinking anything, preferring the high of his prescription medication, and Ken was drinking his cheap beer as usual.

Bruce regaled Ron and Ken with dramas of our time in Tennessee. He told them all about my parents' craziness and him going to jail. I noticed with some irony how he always skipped over his part in the narrative, about how he'd gone berserk and beat me. Bruce was very selective in his storytelling, and somehow, he always came out as the victim yet at the same time made himself sound like a badass.

I had a feeling by Ron and Ken's nonplussed reactions that these were all stories they'd heard many times before. If I knew Bruce, every time he drank, he probably stewed on all of it. The two brothers had probably gotten plenty of earfuls throughout the time Bruce had been living with them.

Thankfully, Ron ended up steering the conversation to regaling Bruce and Ken with funny times he and Bruce had shared while working at the steakhouse they'd worked at together when they were younger. They'd actually met at work, and that had been back before Ron had had his accident that had cost him half his arm and almost all the fingers on his remaining hand.

I watched Ron as he used his shortened arm that was cut off at the elbow and the remaining thumb and pinky of his other hand to lift his Pepsi can up to his lips and take a sip. The brothers always bought cans because it was easier for Ron to use his limited mobility to pop the top of a can than to twist the top off of a bottle.

It never failed to amaze me how well Ron had learned to adapt to his disability. I looked away from him before he could catch me watching him. I never wanted Ron to see any awe or pity in my eyes, knowing that would only make him uncomfortable.

Of the two brothers, I'd always liked Ron better. Like everyone else, he had his faults, but he seemed like a truly decent guy. He was surprisingly well-versed in the Bible and used to like to debate scriptures with me when we first met, simply because he knew I was raised a preacher's daughter and still remembered much of the Bible.

As impatient and volatile as Bruce was, Ron was the polar opposite. He was everything gentle and patient. It was hard to believe the two were best buds, but maybe that's why they were. They evened each other out.

Ken, on the other hand, had always given me the creeps. I'd never felt comfortable with the way he looked at me, and I'd never forget the way Bruce had once gotten into a fight with him after Ken had called me a derogatory name in his drunken state.

Ken was sipping his beer and eyeing me now with a look that let me know plainly that Bruce had told them all about me cheating on him. Of course, I was sure he'd also spun that tale to diminish any of his wrongdoing in the events, probably conveniently leaving out the part about how he had left me all alone at another man's house.

I tried not to scowl at Ken and instead turned my gaze to Bruce, whose eyes flicked dangerously between Ken and me before narrowing.

Crap, Bruce had seen Ken looking at me, and he'd seen me look back at him, though it's not like I had been checking Ken out or anything. My gaze had merely been drawn to him when I felt his on me.

Let's go inside, Sarah, Bruce said firmly, coming over to grab my arm and pull me from the chair.

You guys leaving so soon? Ken drawled lazily, taking another swig of his beer.

Bruce scowled at him, and Ken's eyes glinted mischievously. The bastard knew what he'd done. He knew he'd potentially provoked Bruce's jealousy and a fight, and he was pleased with himself.

I wanted to slap the smug smile off his face.

You guys coming back out later? Ron asked, trying to diffuse the tension in the air.

Maybe, Bruce grunted at his best friend before pulling me in the back door and leading me down the hall to our room.

I struggled to balance my red plastic cup that was filled with wine, trying to keep the alcohol from spilling over the sides of the cup and onto the tile flooring of Ron's hallway.

When we got to our room, I laid the cup safely on the dresser and watched warily as Bruce turned back his cup and finished the remnants of what was in