Scruffy Jon's Encyclopaedia of Pub Life

By Jonathan Morris

After thirty years of people watching and collecting stories at social events, I would recount some of these stories and friends would say you should write a book, so finally, I have. Next time you visit a public house, hopefully after reading this book, you will have an insight into what is happening. When the conversation stops as you enter, i

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jonathan M. Morris
• Release date: Dec 15, 2021
• ISBN: 9781802273014

Jonathan Morris

Father Jonathan Morris is a Catholic priest in the Archdiocese of New York and serves in campus ministry at Columbia University. He is also an analyst for the Fox News Channel and host of the News & Views program on The Catholic Channel, SiriusXM. His books include the New York Times bestseller The Way of Serenity, God Wants You Happy, and The Promise: God's Purpose and Plan for When Life Hurts.

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A Publican Alphabet

ABV: Alcohol by Volume. If a bottle states 100% proof, it is 50% alcohol by volume. Marketing people have tried to make drinks appear stronger by stating proof rather than volume. In the 1980s, Wild Turkey whiskey was launched in the USA at 105% proof. It was so popular that the strength was lowered in order to cope with the demand.

Absinthe: An aniseed-based drink that contains wormwood and was to France what gin was to England in the 18th century. Its production was banned in France in 1915 as the wormwood it contained supposedly caused hallucinations. It was then that lower-strength aniseed drinks were produced. Absinthe is usually green in colour but reacts like Pernod, turning white when water is added. One evening, a Frenchman came in and asked, Have you got pastis? I said we had Pernod, but he said, No, Ricard. So, I thought I’d get some. The next time he came in, I pointed out that I had some Ricard, but he said, Oh I don’t drink it. Absinth continues to be produced in various countries around the world, in varying strengths, but always strong (65% + ABV).

Accidents: These often happen as a result of drink. A customer slipped in the toilet after a few too many gins (at somebody’s house). He fell behind the door, and another customer, obviously in a hurry to get to the trough, pushed the door open, injuring the person on the floor. It was unintentional, but he had to live this down for many years. An elderly lady slipped on a step on her way into the pub. We did not begrudge the insurance company paying out a very large sum in compensation, but as soon as I informed them of the accident, they put our premiums up before any claim had been made. They sent a loss adjuster around who said it was an accident that would have been difficult for us to prevent. He sent us a few things we had to do in order to continue to be insured by this company. When we had completed these, we received a certificate. I shopped around and more than halved our premium by changing company. The quote was so low, compared to others, that I wondered whether the firm was safe, so I paid by credit card in case anything went wrong. Every year after that we had various companies ringing up to quote for our renewal, but none could come so low.

After hours: One evening, I was in The Old Star in Uttoxeter. As last orders were called and drinks served, I noticed a large group of people in the backroom who did not seem in a hurry to drink up. The landlady came round for glasses and put mine round the corner of the bar. I had come in with one of the large group, and after a while, all the other customers left but I stayed. The group was singing quite loudly. When I went to go, the landlady said the door was on the latch. I opened the door and standing just outside was a policeman, listening, I presume, to the singing.

In the White Hart, Uttoxeter, a hotel where residents could buy drinks after normal hours, I was a regular. If you wanted to drink late, you befriended a resident who was in the same mood; they would buy the drinks and you repaid them later. Serving late was always a cat-and-mouse game. The police knew it happened, and every so often they would try and make an example of a pub. Once they raided a rural pub and caught quite a few people there. The landlord was taken to court and the case was put in front of the magistrates. A witness came forward to say he had seen the police waiting down the road before the raid, so the case was thrown out as it was stated that the police should enforce the law, not wait until it’s broken. Another case was when the police raided three pubs and took the landlords to court. Two pleaded guilty, but the third employed a solicitor who asked the police for evidence; he got off because they had not taken any drinks to support their case. Another instance was when the police raided a pub and started to take everybody’s names. The people said, These are not our drinks. The inspector said, I’ll have them fingerprint tested, so they all picked their glasses up and offered them to him. He left with his tail between his legs.

Agony aunt: You do have to be prepared to listen if somebody has a problem and wants to use you as a sounding board. It goes without saying that discretion in these circumstances is of utmost importance! One Monday, a local came in and said, I have had a terrible experience! I am so embarrassed I don’t know whether to tell you. Eventually, when nobody else was about, he said, You know I go to bingo on Sunday evenings? Well, last week, I was walking to my seat, pint in one hand, chips and card in the other, when my trousers fell down. I was mortified! Well, last night I went, and before the game, they said they had a presentation to make. They called me out and presented me with a pair of braces. I was so embarrassed.

Alcohol: The origins of people fermenting various fruits or cereals and drinking the liquid produced is a subject on its own, as it appears to have occurred in most civilizations around the world throughout history. The Egyptians were fermenting 3000 years BC. In Northern Europe, honey seems to have been the main constituent, and the result was mead. Honey was abundant and produced alcohol with little effort. As forests were felled and populations grew and settled, honey became less abundant and so a more valuable product. In some cases, fines were paid with honey. It was replaced with malt for the sugar in the brew. Mead made from honey became the drink of the rich, while the ordinary man drank ale, derived from the Saxon word eaul. Emperor Julian in AD 361 described Northern Europeans as sons of Malt, big drinkers but not nearly as big as the British. The Romans brought us wine and the origins of the pub. They built roads and travelled distances, and needed places to stay for sustenance and refreshment, so built hostelries in strategic places.

Another: Another one for the road for no reason or hung for a sheep than a lamb at the end of a drinking session: customers would often say one for the road or ditch or similar sayings, which was just an excuse for another drink. Each person would have his favourite way of referring to this activity. One chap in his eighties would come in and ask for a pint for my wife’s husband; he is a wonderful chap.

Aquavit: Water of life. Aquavit is a Scandinavian whisky, 40% ABV. To be authentic, it has to cross the Equator twice in oak barrels. On the back of the bottle label, it tells you which ship it was on and the date of both crossings.

Arguments: These are best not had in pubs under the influence of drink, and a landlord has to gauge how far to let it go before he says, That’s enough! Take that elsewhere. The best way is to try and change the subject to deflate the argument. I remember one young man getting involved in an argument about somebody being the best bricklayer in the country. Of course, drink had been consumed and it was getting quite heated as the young lad was being too intellectual about the whole thing. I intervened and asked if he did not realise that the bricklayer had won the best Lego builder competition. They looked at me, thinking, What’s he on about? and promptly forgot about the argument. If you tell people to sort it out when they are sober, that can work. On one occasion, two brothers were arguing about an issue. One was talking metric, the other feet and inches; they could not agree, and the one left to drive home, which he should not