Ear Wax and Cadillacs The Final Adventure of Mucus Phlegmball: The Adventures of Mucus Phlegmball, #3

By Kerry Crowley

The third installment in the Mucus Phelgmball series finds 11-year-old superhero, Marcus Fleming, freaking out because he snoogered Turner, the town bully, in the head.

Despite his best friend Chunk's reassurance, Marcus is afraid trouble is looming when Turner fails to ride the bus the next day. Then Marcus wakes up during the night and sees someone in his backyard, staring up at his window and is convinced he started trouble.

The next morning, Marcus finds a fluorescent green blob on his lawn. The color is too similar to his snoogers to be a coincidence.

Marcus takes the rubbery substance to Dr. Boogerslinger and his worst fears are confirmed. It's earwax, it's Turner's and it's explosive. Are Mucus Phlegmball and Master Blaster about to face their first human villain?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Kerry Crowley
• Release date: Nov 10, 2021
• ISBN: 9798201127190

Kerry Crowley

Kerry Crowley fell in love with writing in 7 th grade, but believed the only way to make a living as a writer was in journalism. She worked as a reporter for a time, but soon realized that wasn’t a good fit. She switched careers and didn’t pursue her dream until a random conversation with her family led her to a character name she couldn’t resist. Mucus Phlegmball was born and from there, her children helped her weave a gross, action-packed story that she hopes will appeal to young boys everywhere. She lives in Genesee, Wisconsin with her husband, younger son, dog and two cats. She is a member of AllWriters’ Workplace and Workshop (www.allwritersworkshop.com) and of the Society of Children’s Book Writers  and Illustrators. Snoogers Rule, Mammoth’s Drool: Introducing the Amazing Mucus Phlegmball is her first middle grade novel.

Book preview

Chapter One

Marcus’ leg jiggled up and down, and his hands clenched together tightly. There was so much nervous energy running through his body, he was afraid exploding was a real possibility. I am the worst human being on the face of the planet, he said to his best friend, Chunk, as soon as his buddy stepped on the bus.

What? Dude, you’re the nicest kid I know, Chunk argued

Marcus lowered his voice. Okay, fine. Maybe I’m the worst superhero on the planet. You won’t want to argue with me after you hear what I did yesterday.

Chunk looked at Marcus as if he was crazy. Have you lost your mind? I was with you yesterday.

I’m not talking about what happened with Walter. I mean after I left you on the way home, Marcus said.

Well, all things considered, it couldn’t have been that big a deal.

Under normal circumstances, that was a good point. Before the incident Marcus was referring to, he and Chunk traveled through a wormhole in space in a time traveling toilet to return an alien wereduck prince they named Walter, to its own planet and things got ugly. Marcus’ radioactive snot wasn’t enough to fend off the alien creatures, so he was captured and almost had his memory wiped clean, turning him into a zombie. He barely escaped with the help of Chunk and three llamas from the planet, Llamatopia. That might sound hard to top, but Marcus was still freaked out about what happened after they got home. Turner stopped me between your house and mine and started in with his normal crap. I lost my cool, man. I was already so wound up from almost being turned into a zombie, I snapped. I snoogered him right in the head. Do you think he’s okay? I don’t see him on the bus. What am I going to do?

Dang, dude. That is bad. Did he come at you or something? Were you just defending yourself?

No. That’s the thing. He didn’t do anything. I mean, he was talking big as usual, but that’s nothing new. I told him I wasn’t in the mood and he should get out of my way. He said Make me, and the next thing I knew, I shot a big lugey right at his head, Marcus admitted.

I’m sure he washed it off right away. Maybe this is no big deal, Chunk whispered. My powers didn’t get triggered until we went through that wormhole, remember? Unless Turner somehow travels through space, I think you’ll be okay.

Marcus wasn’t feeling quite as confident. The guilt was eating him alive. Turner was one of the meanest kids Marcus knew, but despite the fact that he picked on everyone and a ton of kids would congratulate Marcus if they knew what he had done, Marcus never imagined he’d use his superpowers against someone that way. Up until this point, the only time he used his radioactive snot was to defend himself against mutant creatures. This took things to a whole new level this time. What if something did happen to Turner? What if he told someone? Marcus was nervous all night because he expected Turner’s parents to come storming over to his house to rat Marcus out. Was it possible for Marcus to explain his unusual snot away, if Turner did tell someone or was his cover going to be blown? The last conversation he and Chunk had was about the possibility of revealing their superpowers. After all, Chunk’s radioactive rocket farts that were triggered by stress were kind of hard to explain away. Maybe the decision to come clean to everyone was going to be taken out of their hands, whether they liked it or not.

The fact that Turner wasn’t on the bus was the part that was freaking Marcus out. Turner was always on the bus. The bus was his place. Bullying the other kids there was easier than anywhere else on the planet. The driver didn’t pay attention to what the kids were doing, so Turner had free reign.

Marcus’ thoughts were interrupted by a sudden urge to gag. His nose was being assaulted by the overwhelming scent of flowers...stinky flowers. Courtney plopped down in the seat in front of Marcus and Chunk. Hi, Marcus, she cooed.

Marcus turned his head toward the open window to suck in some fresh air. What is that smell? he blurted out.

Oh. I put on a little perfume this morning. Courtney blushed.

A little? Marcus choked.

You mean you don’t like it? Courtney asked, her eyes turning glassy with unshed tears.

Marcus was again stabbed with guilt. What was wrong with him? Now he was making girls cry. No, it’s fine, he muttered. Things sometimes smell stronger to me than to other people, I guess. I’m sorry.

Courtney wiped at the corner of her eye and seemed to perk up again. She whispered something to her friend and they both giggled.

Marcus raised his eyebrows at Chunk. Courtney was going out of her way to hang around an awful lot lately, which gave Marcus the willies. He was thankful they were almost at school and could escape the awful smell and was also thankful summer was almost here.

What’s up with her? Chunk asked as they got off the bus and headed into the building. Courtney and her friend were walking in front of them, but kept turning around and staring and then giggling to each other.

No clue, Marcus said. Girls are weird.

She’s into you, stupid, Logan chimed in. He was walking next to Chunk and Marcus.

Shut up. She is not, Marcus protested.

Right, Logan responded. Chunk laughed.

"How do you know it’s not you she likes?" Marcus asked Chunk.

I’m not the one she keeps talking to, Chunk pointed out.

Great. That was all Marcus needed. How was he supposed to lie low with some girl following him around all the time? Summer couldn’t come fast enough.

Marcus worried all day about Turner. He had no way of knowing if he was at school or not, since the middle school was in a different building. Hoping to see Turner on the bus at the end of the day was not something Marcus ever imagined possible, but today he wanted that more than anything.

CHAPTER 2

Marcus’ fear grew out of control on the way home. Turner was nowhere to be found. Marcus was starting to panic and was desperate enough to go to the back of the bus, which was not a place an elementary school kid wanted to be.

What are you doing back here, loser? one of Turner’s middle school buddies challenged as soon as he spotted Marcus.

I was just wondering if any of you guys know where Turner is? Marcus stammered.

Why? Do you need a wedgie or something? the kid asked.

No. I was just curious. Is he sick or something?

Not my day to watch him, so I don’t know, dork. Get lost. The kid took a step toward Marcus.

With his hands in the air in surrender, Marcus started to back away. Okay. Fine. I’m going.

Yeah, you do that.

Really, dude? Chunk said when Marcus sat back down in their seat.

What? Desperate times... Marcus whined. I’m freaking out here.

Clearly, if you’re willing to risk your neck going back there, Chunk pointed out.

How can you be so calm about this? Marcus challenged. I pictured you shooting all over the place.

Chunk shrugged. I don’t know. I think you’re overreacting. Everything’s going to be fine, you’ll see.

How do you know?

For one thing, I’m sure he didn’t want to walk around with snot dripping from his head. He must have washed up right away. Besides, you hit him in the ear, right? What type of superpower can he develop from that? Supersonic hearing? Big deal, Chunk reasoned.

Yeah. Marcus chewed on his lip. What if he told somebody though?

That’s too humiliating. He wouldn’t want anyone to know you got the better of him. I’m sure he just went home and washed up and there is a logical explanation as to why he isn’t here today. Relax or you’re going to freak me out too, Chunk said.

Marcus wanted to relax, more than anything in the world, but that wasn’t going to be possible until he saw Turner and knew everything was okay. In the meantime, he still needed to decide whether being able to shoot radioactive snot out of his nose and mouth was a superpower he wanted to possess, or if he should talk to Dr. Boogerslinger, the scientist who caused his mutation in the first place, about trying to reverse his powers. Ever since he realized Dr. Boogerslinger gave him superpowers by sneezing on him at the drugstore, Marcus’ life was chaotic and stressful. First, he traveled through time to the Ice Age to gather wooly mammoth saliva for an antidote Dr. B. needed to save their town from radioactive mutant squirrels. Then he and Chunk attempted to travel forward in time to get the answers for a math test and wound up dragging Walter the wereduck back to Earth with them. Marcus figured he already faced more life-threatening situations in his eleven years than most people did their entire lives and, the worst part was, he had nothing to show for it. Sure, there was the personal satisfaction of knowing he saved his town twice from mutant creatures, but as far as everyone else knew, he was still the same old loser he’d always been. He still got picked on daily, as evidenced by his recent run-in with Turner, and he still felt he was a total disappointment to his uber-successful dad.

He and Chunk talked about coming clean and letting everyone in on their secret identities. Was it possible for Mucus Phlegmball and Master Blaster to be accepted in their small town or was it more likely to cause a panic? Marcus was still worried about what his parents might do. They lived such a cookie cutter life, Marcus wasn’t sure his parents could accept a son with strange abilities. After all, his dad was respected in town as the CEO of its largest business. Having a mutant son might damage Dad’s sparkling reputation. The idea of being dragged to the doctor and having tons of tests run on him didn’t appeal either. Was it possible for modern medicine to find a cure? He was sure that if he asked him to, Dr. Boogerslinger was capable of developing an antidote to cure him. Despite his oddities, the man was a brilliant scientist. Marcus knew his parents’ first choice for treatment was not going to be Dr. B, however.

Deep down, Marcus was still curious about the full effect his snoogers might have. He knew they were radioactive and melted certain objects, such as metal. He also knew that the snot was neutralized by water, but other than that, his mucus was pretty much a mystery, making it hard for Marcus to know when it was safe to use his abilities. When he was battling the mutant squirrels, the snot singed their fur, but then a rain storm came and washed everything away, so no further damage was done. In his latest showdown on the planet of the wereducks, Marcus didn’t stick around to see what the end result of his snoogering was. Did the creatures he hit with his boogers mutate in some way? Since he never planned to go back, there was no way of knowing.

Chunk was lucky because his abilities were a bit more defined. At first, they thought Chunk’s powers just rocketed him into the air, but the boys and Dr. Boogerslinger soon discovered that his farts also were able to knock a smaller person or animal unconscious, a talent which might come in handy at times. Marcus supposed that if Chunk needed to knock out a bigger person, expelling more gas was the answer. Marcus himself got woozy a couple of times when he was trapped too long in the gaseous mist.

In all reality, Marcus and Chunk should have Dr. Boogerslinger run some tests on both of them so they knew without any doubt what their powers were capable of. For now, Marcus decided that was a good compromise. As long as Turner didn’t tell anyone what happened, things would be fine. At least that’s what he was telling himself.

Marcus was pulled out of his deep thoughts by the stinky flower smell. Courtney somehow managed to appear in the seat in front of him again, even though Marcus went out of his way to make sure he picked a spot as far away from her as possible. He held his breath and tried not to gag.

Marcus?

Marcus looked at Chunk and rolled his eyes. He didn’t want to be rude, but this girl was starting to get on his nerves. He decided to bite his tongue, but turned and faced Courtney to let her know he was paying attention.

I was wondering..." Her voice got small as her sentence trailed off.

Marcus kept his mouth shut and raised his eyebrows as if to say, Spit it out already.

Courtney blushed and cleared her throat. I was wondering if you wanted to go to a movie or something with me this weekend. You can pick. I don’t even mind if it’s something gross.

Crap. Now what? Marcus wasn’t in the habit of hurting people’s feelings, but he had no desire to go the movies with this girl. He glanced at Chunk for some help, but all he got in return was a goofy grin and some wiggling of the eyebrows. Not helping, he muttered to his buddy. Time to come up with a convincing fib.

Um, thanks for the offer, but I’m pretty sure I’m booked up this weekend. I have a soccer game on Saturday and I think my mom said something about needing my help with a big project around the house.

He saw the disappointment in her eyes and noticed her hands were shaking. He thought about how he felt when his mom made him talk to people at church or when he went door to door, selling wreaths for Scouts. He was always a nervous wreck. He hated that feeling and wondered if Courtney felt the same way. She was obviously nervous about asking him and here he was being a schmuck. He felt bad, but not bad enough to change his mind.

Maybe some other time, she said, turning around and hanging her head, sparing Marcus the need to respond.

He sighed. Chunk poked him in the ribs and made googly eyes at him. Marcus gave him the death stare. First Turner and now this. I can’t seem to catch a break.

The bus rolled to a stop in front of Chunk’s house and he patted Marcus on the back as he stood. Everything is going to be fine. Trust me. I’ll see you in the morning.

Marcus just nodded, breathing deeply to try to loosen the knot in his gut. Was everything going to be alright? If Turner was back and up to his old harmless tricks in the morning, and Courtney took the hint and left Marcus alone without him having to hurt her feelings, Marcus was going to be very surprised. As usual, he wasn’t brimming with confidence.

CHAPTER 3

Marcus didn’t eat much at dinner that night. The knot in his stomach had strangled his appetite. Dad was working late, so at least he was only dealing with twenty questions from his mom and not both of them. Marcus did his best to deflect her concern, claiming he was buried with homework and was feeling a little stressed.

His sister, Sally, was her usual annoying self, jabbering on and on about ponies and her silly little friends and singing some new song she learned at school.

Marcus took the first opening he saw to escape the noise and asked to be excused. I need to get going on my homework, Mom. Can I just go to my room now?

But you’re supposed to clear the table tonight, she reminded him.

Then, out of nowhere, Marcus burst into tears. Where the heck did that come from?

Aw, honey. What’s the matter? Are you sure homework is the only thing bothering you? Mom got up and gave him a hug. Even Sally was stunned into silence.

Marcus breathed deep and shuddered as the emotions he’d been fighting all day bubbled out of him.

Mom gave him time to compose himself, rubbing his back and cooing that everything was going to be okay.

After several minutes, Marcus was able to get himself under control, but now felt stupid and exhausted. Sorry. He wiped his nose with his sleeve, praying no bright green radioactive snot appeared. Blubbering wasn’t going to help his situation. Can I please just skip my chores tonight and go and study?

Mom didn’t normally give in to this type of behavior. She was always compassionate and Marcus knew tears got her going, but she and Dad were strict about discipline and excuses just weren’t tolerated.

Marcus’ eyes, still wet with tears, pleaded with her.

Just this once, but don’t tell your dad, Mom said. Sally, that means you too.

Sally gave Mom a pouty look because one of her favorite things to do was try to get Marcus in trouble.

Promise, Sally? I think your brother just needs a break tonight.

Sally stared at Marcus for a moment, but then bobbed her blonde curls. Marcus was so grateful, he hugged them both before heading up to his room. Man, that was nuts. He had never been that plowed over by his emotions before. Sure, he had breakdowns, but they were always confined to times things were looking hopeless, like when he was trapped in a cave during the Ice Age. This was something all together different. He needed to pull himself together.

Thankful he had some homework to distract him for awhile, he opened his math book and got started. As soon as he was done, his mind drifted back to Turner though. As much as Marcus disliked him, he hoped he was okay. As Chunk said, hitting him in the ear was not the worst case scenario because it was doubtful a strange superpower could come from that. Then again, so many bizarre things happened to Marcus since meeting Dr. Boogerslinger, maybe that wasn’t a valid argument. What if something did happen to Turner? Would he be willing to work with Marcus and Chunk or was he going to use his powers another way? Marcus didn’t want to think about how bad things might get for everyone if Turner did develop a new ability. He was already such a menace, picking on anyone smaller or weaker than him.

Mom came to check up on him after she cleaned up the kitchen. Are you feeling any better, honey?

Marcus nodded. Yeah. Thanks for understanding, Mom. I guess I just got overwhelmed with stuff.

Is there something besides a lot of homework going on at school that you want to tell me about?

Deep down, he was embarrassed to explain what happened with Courtney. Several boys in his class had what they called girlfriends already, but that wasn’t something he felt ready for. He didn’t think girls were icky anymore, but he still thought they were sort of weird. Having a girl as a friend might be okay, but that was far as he was willing to go right now.

No. There isn’t anything else going on. I guess I’m just a little burned out.

Well, get a good night’s rest. Things will be brighter tomorrow.

Thanks, Mom.

Marcus drifted off to