Confessions of a True Bipolar Christian

By Keina Shalon

Bipolar Christians truly exist.

Have you ever met someone who proclaimed to be Christian but yet still engages in the things of the world? They go to church, are active in ministry, and are very knowledgeable about the Word of God. However, you recognize that their behavior as a Christian needs improvement. Some might categorize

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trilogy Christian Publishing
• Release date: Dec 27, 2021
• ISBN: 9781637694992

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Confessions of a True Bipolar Christian

Keina Shalon, MA

Trilogy Christian Publishers

TUSTIN, CA

Trilogy Christian Publishers

A Wholly Owned Subsidiary of Trinity Broadcasting Network

2442 Michelle Drive

Tustin, CA 92780

Confessions of a True Bipolar Christian

Copyright © 2021 by LaKeina Ferguson

Scripture quotations are taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without written permission from the author. All rights reserved. Printed in the USA.

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For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Trilogy Christian Publishing.

Trilogy Disclaimer: The views and content expressed in this book are those of the author and may not necessarily reflect the views and doctrine of Trilogy Christian Publishing or the Trinity Broadcasting Network.

Manufactured in the United States of America

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

ISBN: 978-1-63769-498-5

E-ISBN: 978-1-63769-499-2 (ebook)

Contents

Dedication v

Acknowledgements vi

Foreword vii

Preface ix

Introduction xiii

Prologue xvii

The Foundation 1

Fast Forward Back to 2004 (The First Hospitalization) 3

When It All Falls Down 7

The Attack on My Soul 16

Way Back 16

The Road to Destruction 27

In That Order 35

Essence 38

And Then I Moved On 41

Back to My Reality 45

The New Normal 47

The In-Between 52

A New Beginning 61

And There He Was 71

Soul Tie 71

I Tried 77

God Said No! 78

The Unraveling 84

The Refreshing 86

Beloved, Take Your Medication 91

I Had to Leave 92

The Escalation 97

The Re-Awakening 99

Will I Finally Get to See Him? 106

The Shared Delusion 109

The Third Door 113

And Then I Went Back 123

The Revival 130

So What of the Soul Tie 133

I Can’t Go Back to Sleep 134

For Your Consideration 138

The Unconscious Bias 145

It’s Not an Ism 151

Is It Possible to Prevent an Episode? 153

In Conclusion 155

Dedication

This testimony is dedicated first to the Holy Trinity, in which without guidance, conviction, patience, and grace, I would not be where I am today. To Dr. Dorea Chara Dolan for assisting my mom with leading me through the sinner’s prayer. To my mom and godparents for raising me and providing me with spiritual nourishment. I also dedicate this book to Scott Savage Psy D, my teacher, mentor, and most importantly, my friend. I dedicate this book to my dear friend, Sister Martha, and to all the pastors (and pastors’ wives) that I was blessed to have in my life. I am forever grateful for all of you, and I know that God strategically placed you all in my life. Last but not least, to Trinity Broad Casting Network and Carmelo Domenic Licciardello (Carman), as without him and this network existing in 1991, when I was just seven years old, I would not have accepted Christ as my personal Lord and Savior in the manner that I did.

Acknowledgements

To Scott Savage for his willingness to engage me in this process and assist me with giving an accurate depiction of BD self-medicating and addiction.

Foreword

I first met Keina Shalon in the graduate program where I taught psychology courses. Since that time, our relationship has grown from professor and student to her clinical advisor, to friend and fellow Christian. She did not reveal her inward struggle during graduate school. I saw flashes, but she quickly tucked it away and got back to business. She was always the consummate student. After receiving her master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and specialization in Marriage and Family Therapy, our professional association expanded, and we worked at the same clinic and became friends. It is in this friendship that I have realized Keina Shalon’s unique ability to understand the spiritual journey within the field of psychotherapy. She uses her experience to inform but never overwhelm her professional life. In these pages, the reader will find the challenge, inspiration, and, finally, the blessing that this remarkable woman has discovered in her personal journey with Jesus Christ.

As she so eloquently points out, Christianity is not just a set of religious edicts (and sometimes bad advice from the well-intended). It is a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus. This book is not only for those of us who have struggled with drug use and mental illness. It is the story of a dance with the Lord. It is a journey, and a joyous celebration, a tribute to the realization that the burden is ultimately the blessing.

Preface

As an active Christian with a functional relationship with God through Jesus Christ, I make no apologies for my testimony being revealed in this book to religious organizations, groups, and individuals who hold to the belief that carrying a diagnosis of a mental disorder is a sign of a demonic presence or a lack of relationship with Christ. I most definitely do not believe that a mental diagnosis is evidence that you don’t have the Holy Spirit or a sound mind. As far as the assumption that a mental disorder is a sign that you don’t have a sound mind, many believers (who believe that a mental diagnosis is evidence of an unclean spirit or a demonic possession) don’t realize that the mind and the biological brain are viewed as two different entities that are not necessarily one and the same. Therefore, I can have a chemical imbalance in my brain (be bipolar) and still have a sound mind; and other individuals who have normal brain function can spiritually lack a sound mind. Since I accepted Christ at the age of seven, my heart was and is occupied by the Holy Spirit, which simply means my heart is not available for the enemy, unclean spirit, or demon to reside in me.

I am compelled to also say that there are instances where mental illnesses mimic demonic possession. It would be deceitful of me to imply that demonic possession and unclean spirits are not running rampant in the world. So just to be clear, yes, I believe that unclean spirits consume people, come upon them, and definitely, yes, I believe in demonic possession. However, as believers, due to lack of knowledge, it is easy to assume that someone with a mental disorder is under demonic influence. This is why it is important that we obtain the education, ask God for discernment and spiritual wisdom to know the difference. To have a general understanding of BD, it is important to have an awareness of potential contributing factors such as environment, genetics, and substance abuse (or a combination of all these things). It is my belief that regardless of my childhood, the environment that I was raised in, or genetics, it was and will always be my purpose to manage this disorder and be a voice for those Christians who feel ostracize by the body of Christ. Or those who are treated as if they have the devil working in and through them.

My explanation for being a bipolar Christian is simply this, according to my Bible, before the foundations of the world, God knew me and formed me in the womb. Which also means that He already knew who my mother and father were going to be. My Bible tells me that He knows how many hairs are on my head, which to my understanding, explains that He paid great attention and detail in creating me. This would also include my biological brain. People may take issue with this statement and may disagree. I have no problem with that, but remember, this is my truth, my testimony. If all things are working for my good, this means that any adversity, any deficits in the biological brain, or my body will and is being used to glorify God. If I am afflicted for the iniquities and unrepented sin of my ancestors (which I have heard plenty of people in ministerial positions claim as a justification for some physical diseases and mental conditions), I must remember what was meant for evil God is using for His glory. This means I will advocate for my brothers and sisters in Christ, and it is my absolute pleasure to encourage people with this condition and educate other believers about it. Let’s not forget that the Word of God also says that He created all things, which is why all things work for the good of those who love Him. I take this biblical truth literally. I believe everything I went through was intentional by God to give me a voice, a platform for such a time as this. So I boldly make this statement—BD is not an instrument that counteracts the presence of God; no disease, disorder, or generational curse has the power to do that; as this would mean that the blood of Christ has limitations and that is a lie from the pit of hell. This is my personal testimony, Confessions of a True Bipolar Christian.

Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert (Isaiah 43:19, NKJV).

Introduction

This book will flow as if I’m having a face-to-face discussion as it is a testimony.

Psychology was my major three years before my first hospitalizations, and over the course of eleven years, I was hospitalized twice. In this book, I will give a detailed account of what I remember about what I experienced, what I believe led up to those hospitalizations, what I experienced in the midst of these episodes, and the aftermath of those episodes. My hope is that giving a detailed account of my experience will, at the very least, provide clarity and encourage empathy and understanding, as experiencing psychosis (mania) is very frightening. Although I have sat through many sermons where anointed people of God vaguely preached about BD and other mental disorders, as if individuals who suffer or are afflicted by these things were not and could not be used of God, I made a choice (once I accepted that this was going to be my cross to carry daily as a child of God) that I would not be offended. It was easy to sit through these sermons without walking out because I knew that what was being said was not said with the intention to be hurtful. I also knew that one day I would eventually bring God glory by revealing my testimony in its fullness according to God’s timing. I truly understand the stigma attached to mental disorders, and I also acknowledged that people fear what they don’t understand. Therefore, by no means is this book a rebuke.

Environments that are emotionally unsafe, genetics, and substance use (or a combination of all three) are major contributing factors that may lead to BD. I am able to identify as an MHP that I was experiencing symptoms of bipolar depression as early as grade school (anxiety, irrational feelings of guilt, hopelessness, mood swings, sadness, easily agitated, restlessness, insomnia, lack of concentration, and suicidal ideation—thoughts of suicide). BD is a condition that exists beyond having a good or traumatic childhood and upbringing. It is likely to exist without substance abuse as bipolar is a mood disorder. Although it is possible for substance abuse to induce BD and other psychological conditions, it is extremely likely that the use of substances feels as though and may appear to help—for a short time—to relieve the symptoms of BD. Many people with this condition diagnosed or undiagnosed self-medicate. It has been established (through research) that about 50 percent of individuals who have been formally diagnosed with BD abuse alcohol and therefore are recognized as having a co-occurring disorder. As far as being passed down genetically, someone would have had to have it first. It is a mental disorder that has no respect for any ethnicity, social-economic status, religion or gender, addict or sober. BD, like other mental disorders, does not care who you are, what you are, or if you had a lovely or ideal childhood; it is a disorder that exists without specific rules and conditions. Although there can be a combination of things that contribute to this disorder, BD affects our biological brain, causing a chemical imbalance, and it