Dear Barb 2: Advice for Daily Life: Words of Wisdom, #2

By BARBARA GODIN

Get ready to transform your daily life with Dear Barb 2: Advice for Daily Life. This insightful and down-to-earth book will provide you with the tools to overcome life's toughest challenges. With over 20 years of experience, author Barbara Godin offers practical advice to help you navigate through any obstacle with ease.

- Discover the power of shifting your perspective and how it can positively impact your life.

- Feel empowered and inspired to take on any challenge with confidence.

- Experience a sense of peace and clarity as you learn to overcome life's hurdles.

In Dear Barb 2: Advice for Daily Life, you will find heartfelt and relatable stories that will resonate with readers of all ages.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BARBARA GODIN
• Release date: Sep 30, 2021
• ISBN: 9798201751166

BARBARA GODIN

Barbara lives in a small town in southwestern Ontario, Canada with her husband and the latest addition to their family "Prince Harry." Barbara has been writing a popular advice column, "Dear Barb"  from 2003-2023. Now available in book form from various online sources. She has published a book of short stories Glimpses in Time: A Collection of Memoirs and More, one of which, Mary's Story, won an award from the Professional Writers Association of Canada. Barbara's memoir has become a bestseller.  "Can I Come Home Now?" is a memoir of horrific abuse and neglect. Barbara's latest book is a collection of poetry "Seasons of the Heart." Learn more at Barbara's website  www.barbgodin.com. Email comments to [e-mail].

Book preview

Part 1 - FAMILY - A family doesn't need to be perfect it just needs to be united." - socialstepmom.com

Family estrangement

Dear Barb:

I am the youngest of three who are all in our thirties now. My oldest brother and I do not get along. He has always been abusive and demeaning to me, so I decided to stop speaking to him. That was five years ago. Recently we learned my dad is not doing well. Dad has been fighting prostate cancer for almost 10 years, but it seems to have gotten worse recently. I have a good relationship with my parents and love them very much, but my mom told me that my dad’s dying wish was for my brother and me to make amends. I am reluctant to do that. My life has been so peaceful without the arguing and put-downs from my brother. I have managed to see my dad at times when my brother wasn’t there, but as the end is coming, we will both want to be there. I know my brother loves my dad and since he was the golden boy I’m sure he will be there till the end. How can I make sure my dad has peace at the end of his life without having to reconcile with my brother? Looking forward to your advice - Lisa.

Hey Lisa:

So sorry to hear about your dad’s illness. Prior to deciding to cut ties with your brother, did you do everything possible to resolve the issues with him? Cutting off ties with a family member should never be taken lightly. Did you go for counselling together or separately, to try to find a way to maintain some type of relationship? Unless there was physical, emotional, or psychological abuse, you should always try to maintain a relationship. I don’t sense a feeling of regret coming from you, so perhaps your relationship with your brother was toxic, and in that case, you may be better apart. You do seem to be having feelings of resentment, which is evident when you refer to your brother as the golden boy. I feel you both need to see a professional counselor and if you already have and nothing was resolved, find another counselor. In the meantime, I would suggest you both form a limited truce for your father’s sake. At least then he will be able to have some sense of peace in the knowledge that you are attempting to reconcile. Sibling rivalry is a normal part of the sibling relationship. There are a lot of family dynamics that contribute to the relationship and sometimes we simply do not like our brother or sister for a variety of reasons, but estrangement should be a last resort. Good Luck Lisa, hope I was able to help.

Moving back home

Dear Barb:

My wife and myself and our two kids recently had to move back in with my parents. Because of the pandemic, we both lost our jobs and couldn’t afford our rent. We feel bad about having to do this. My parents are retired and have good pensions so finances are not an issue for them. They have been retired for several years, so they are well into their daily routines. Our children are 4 and 6 and fairly active and I think it is rough on my parents. We try to keep them occupied, but they are just kids and need to have the freedom to be themselves. 

My parents haven’t come right out and said the kids are wearing on them, but I can see it in their demeanor. We cannot afford to move out and I don’t think my parents would actually suggest that, so I need to find a way to make this situation work to everyone’s benefit. Do you have suggestions that would be helpful, so we can all live together in peace until things get back to normal? Thanks for your help - Gary.

Hi Gary:

Times are tough no doubt about it. You are fortunate to have parents who can accommodate you and your family. I’m sure this is not something you wanted to do, but if managed properly it can be a bonding and satisfying experience for you and your family. The main thing is to respect your parent’s space. Do whatever you can to help with cooking, laundry, and other household chores. Your parents, as well as your family, need to have their own time and space. I am sure your parents have TV shows or movies that they like to watch and during these times it is important that you keep your children occupied, either in their rooms, or doing an outside activity. This also applies to hobbies your parents may be involved in. As well, don’t leave all the cooking to your mother. I am sure she would like to prepare some meals, but it is a lot of work to have to do a huge meal every night for six people. Take turns preparing dinner and cleaning up. Do your own laundry. Also have a games night with your parents, where everybody can relax and have some fun. Remember this is a temporary situation and everyone has had to give up something during the pandemic. There is a light at the end of the tunnel as the vaccine becomes available to all.

A book that you may find helpful, although it was written prior to the pandemic is Under One Roof Again: All Grown Up and Relearning to Live Together Happily - Susan Newman, available at your favorite bookstore. Thanks for your email Gary.

Brother issues

Dear Barb:

My brother is driving my husband crazy! He comes over to our house while we are at work, eats all our food, and makes a mess of the house. My husband is furious and he wants me to do something about it. I love my brother and I know he’s having a hard time right now and has no money. Once my brother finds a job I know things will improve for him and he will have money to buy his own groceries, etc. I really don’t want to kick a guy when he’s down. Dazed and confused about what to do - Holly.

Hi Holly:

I can understand both sides of this tough situation. As you know your brother is in a difficult place right now, but he still has to have respect for other people’s property. He should not be going into your home and making a mess. Perhaps you could invite him for dinner a couple of times a week and explain to him that you and your husband would prefer he come over when you are home, that way you could share a meal and have a visit. He may be very receptive to this arrangement as he probably also needs some emotional support. Hope this helps your confusion. Great question Holly.

Father knows best

Dear Barb:

My wife and I have been married seven years and we have two girls, ages 3 and 5. When my second daughter was born my wife and I decided that I would stay home with the girls. Since I was working at a low paying factory job, it made sense that I would stay home, while my wife is a teacher and making pretty good money. My wife took one year of maternity leave and since then I have been home with the girls. Initially I was feeling unaccomplished, so I decided to take some online courses and now I am on my way to obtaining my degree. Even though I have been home for two years, I still feel out of place, as very few fathers stay home with their children. I am usually the only father at most play dates with the girls. My biggest problem is dealing with comments from other fathers, such as it must be nice to be a kept man, or don’t you miss work, or aren’t you bored staying home all day? These are just some of the comments I have to deal with on a daily basis. I know it shouldn’t bother me, but it does. I am enjoying raising my girls, but I would like to be able to feel more confident and accepted in my role as a stay at home dad. Do you have any suggestions? Thanks - Shane.

Hi Shane:

You are definitely in the minority, but stay at home dads are on the rise. According to Statistics Canada, in 1976 stay at home dads made up only 2% of families, while in 2014 this number rose to 11% of families, although this is still the minority. As you know it is a very rewarding experience to be able to bond with your children and care for them in this special way. Twenty years ago it would be a rarity to see a father at the park with his children in the middle of the afternoon, or even walking his children to the bus stop. Good for you to be working on your degree while you are at home raising your children. This is the perfect way to keep yourself stimulated and to prepare for your eventual return to the work force. The comments you are receiving from others is a very common complaint among stay at home dads. I don’t think you can do anything about that, except smile and continue with your day. I would suggest you go to your local library and see if there are support groups in your area where stay at home dads meet once or twice a month to connect and discuss common issues. As long as you and your wife and your children are happy with your situation, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. As this demographic increases you will find more acceptance. The stay at home fathers of 20 years ago were considered lazy men who didn’t want to work; although you are still experiencing this, it is much less prevalent.

Lifelong regrets

Dear Barb:

My mother recently passed away quite suddenly. We have always had a difficult relationship and, at the time of her death, we weren’t speaking. I feel so horrible and wracked with guilt. I can barely get out of bed in the morning, and nothing seems to matter anymore. I am enrolled in two courses at university and I know I’m going to fail both of them, and I really don’t even care. My dad says that Mom knew I loved her and that she had forgiven me for how I treated her, but his words do not make me feel any better. How am I going to get through this and carry on with my life? Thanks - Mary.

Hello Mary:

So sorry for your loss. Losing a mother is very traumatic as they gave us life. Grief is a personal journey, there are no time limits on when you will get over it, and it becomes more complex when feelings of guilt are involved. You have taken a big step in admitting you feel guilty. Often people try to push their guilt down or deny it and that doesn’t work, as it will keep resurfacing until you deal with it. You need to forgive yourself as your mother has forgiven you. It may be helpful to write a letter to your mom. Share your feelings and thoughts, ask for her forgiveness and if you are a religious person, ask for God’s forgiveness. There is nothing you or anyone can do to change this situation. Give yourself a bit of time and if you are not improving, I would suggest a grief counselor or bereavement group. As well, you may find it beneficial to help others by volunteering, perhaps with children, the elderly, or even pets. Helping others gives meaning and purpose to our lives, hence beneficial to all involved. It is important to be patient with yourself and take the time you need to heal. Thanks for your letter Mary.

Family responsibility

Dear Barb:

Hi, I am 19 years old and my mom was just diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Mom’s a single parent and I am her only child. We have always been very close and get along well. She has had a lot of symptoms, but we weren’t sure exactly what was causing them. The MS diagnosis was a shock to us and now we have to find a way to cope. I have no problem being my mother’s caregiver, but I have some concerns about whether I will be able to care for her properly. Right now, she is not too bad; her symptoms have been vague, such as tremors in her hands, fatigue, numbness, and vision problems. I am concerned about what may happen as the MS progresses. What if I can’t manage? I know there are support services, but I am concerned about the emotional affects. I love my mom and hate that this is happening to her. I guess I am looking for some support. I want to care for mom, but I also want to have a life. I want to go to college and one day and get married and have children. I feel selfish thinking of myself while my mom is going through this terrible situation. Am I being selfish by thinking of myself at this time? Maybe other readers who are going through similar issues would be able to offer some advice.