Bittersweet Blessing

By Roshaun Kae Hogan

A brutally honest cancer memoir which addresses every stage of one woman’s journey with the reality of the rare disease of ovarian cancer. Through poetry, narratives, and journal entries, her cancer battle is authentically, and sarcastically, relayed. Experiences involving humor, devastation, blunt testimony, and ultimate hope anchored in her faith, bring this memoir to life.
This memoir was written in hopes of reaching the one soul who needs this memoir to assist in his or her own cancer journey.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Sep 2, 2020
• ISBN: 9781982252618

Book preview

Copyright © 2020 Roshaun Kae Hogan.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means,

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except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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ISBN: 978-1-9822-5260-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-9822-5262-5 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-9822-5261-8 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2020914694

Balboa Press rev. date:  09/02/2020

This memoir is dedicated to my

beloved fire and flood,

Bria and Rylan,

who will forever be my greatest blessings.

"To that one soul reading this. I

know you’re tired, you’re fed up,

You’re close to breaking but

there’s strength within you,

Even when you feel weak.

Keep fighting."

(Anonymous)

"He will cover you with His feathers, and

under His wings you will find refuge;

His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart."

Psalm 91:4 NIV

"Trust the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on own understanding,

in all your ways acknowledge Him

and He will make your path straight."

Proverbs 3:5-6 KJV

Contents

The Bitter

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Survivorship

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

The Sweet

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty

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The Bitter

Believe it or not, there are days I am still in denial about being diagnosed with cancer. I still find myself asking, how can this be my story? After all, I am only forty, in the heart of raising my two children, at the halfway point of my career, and last, but certainly not least, I have never had any medical issues before. Isn’t this supposed to be the prime of my life? Isn’t this when everything becomes cohesive rather than falling apart? Even after a seven-hour cancer removal surgery, two blood transfusions, six rounds of chemotherapy, and a scar that spans the majority of my body, there are still days of disbelief. Perhaps I am simply fluctuating among the stages of grief. Perhaps this is some form of self-preservation. Or, perhaps I will feel this way every time I wake up in the middle of the night and begin living this journey all over again.

Every cancer story is different. This is mine.

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Chapter One

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During the last week of April 2019, I noticed my abdomen was swollen. It looked different from the times I experienced bloating or pre-menstrual swelling before. I gave up beer as my Lenten sacrifice, as the dear Lord knows how much I enjoy it, and I had just resumed drinking, so I remember thinking, "Is this how my body is going to physically react to beer now? I guess I am almost forty." I also remember telling my husband about my swelling, showing him and then laughing as we joked about becoming middle-aged. In hindsight, I spent the last year in emotional and physical exhaustion. I attributed this to the possibility of having an early mid-life crisis. After all, I am an old soul, extremely sensitive, hyper self-reflective, and I was experiencing the most chaotic weekly schedule. Between working full-time as a state probation officer, which is another story in itself, helping teach religious education at our parish, and volunteering in my children’s classrooms every week, I could not get beyond scrambling through each day. I knew something had to change given I couldn’t keep up with it all as I had done before. I truly came to believe I was experiencing an emotional burnout and now the physical exhaustion was the result.

I turned forty on May 1, 2019. Ironically, I was optimistic about this new chapter in my life and open to what this stage of life could bring. Historically, I never liked celebrating my birthday, perhaps due to my incessant self-reflection which tends to lead to an abundance of could-have’s and should-have’s. However, for the first time in my life, I was determined to embrace this new era. Thus, I had a birthday party at Old Chicago and invited family and friends. The RSVP aspect created a lot of anxiety for me, so I recruited one of my dearest friends, Kasi, to handle that. My celebration happened on May 4, 2019. At that time, the swelling in my abdomen could be hidden by my clothes and I could still fit into my skinny jeans. I noticed a small centralized pain in what felt like the middle of my uterus. I remember telling my husband after that evening’s celebratory intoxication, I think I’m getting a bladder infection. I’ve literally had one prior bladder infection twenty years ago, but I thought that’s what it felt like. I drank an extreme amount of water at that time, so I believed I would be able to flush it out myself.

By May 7, 2019, the pain was worse, and my swelling required me to wear a larger pant size. I have learned over the years to hold onto various clothing sizes given I constantly fluctuate in my weight. I remember thinking, "Shouldn’t I have a fever since this infection seems to be getting worse?" I also remember being annoyed that now I had to go to urgent care so I wouldn’t miss any work. As I walked into urgent care, I instantly regretted my decision. I am not a fan of doctor’s appointments in general. I especially dislike doctor’s appointments with physicians I have not met before. The minute you mention pain and they confirm that you’re taking anxiety medication, they begin to treat you like someone who seeks narcotics. They question your symptoms as you describe them, and they make you defend what you’re experiencing as if you don’t know your own body.

I actually exploded on this urgent care doctor after she informed me that my urine sample results were clear and then asked me if