We You Me: A Journey from Duty to Discovery

By Laura Ruth Ellis

After years of caring for her family, author Laura Ruth Ellis finally felt free to pursue a new life purpose. Almost immediately, however, she was pulled back into the role of dutiful daughter when her mother succumbed to dementia. The years she spent as full-time caregiver were stressful and exhausting—but from the fears and challenges came the transformation she had sought all along.

In We You Me, Laura recalls from her journal entries the emotional turmoil the caregiver role brought to her and the lessons it taught her. With intimacy and honesty, she recounts the stresses, strains, and shame she endured along the way. As the years went on, a change began; she moved from denying life’s circumstances to accepting life as it comes, eventually gaining an awareness of life’s bigger picture in the process. Her focus shifted from duty to others with love to love of duty to her inner self. Life presented the role she needed to finally find and accept who she most wanted to be and her buried dream was released.

This personal narrative presents a journey of acceptance through the realms of caregiving toward true self-knowledge, as one woman’s dream deferred for duty is brought to life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Nov 13, 2019
• ISBN: 9781982237066

Laura Ruth Ellis

Laura Ruth Ellis has been a lifelong journal keeper who found her voice during her toughest days as a caregiver. She holds a BS degree in mathematics from the University of Massachusetts, Dartmouth. This is her first book. She continues her writing and enjoys living by the coast with her husband in Madeira Beach, Florida.

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WE YOU ME

A Journey from Duty to Discovery

LAURA RUTH ELLIS

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Copyright © 2019 Laura Ellis.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Balboa Press

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

ISBN: 978-1-9822-3705-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-9822-3707-3 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-9822-3706-6 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2019916372

Balboa Press rev. date: 11/07/2019

Contents

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

YEAR ONE

CHAPTER 1 Graduation

CHAPTER 2 The Shift

YEAR TWO

CHAPTER 3 Assisted Living

CHAPTER 4 Helping Hands

YEAR THREE

CHAPTER 5 Getaway

CHAPTER 6 Progress

YEAR FOUR

CHAPTER 7 We’re on a Roll

CHAPTER 8 Stress Mounts

CHAPTER 9 New Angel

CHAPTER 10 Family and Friends

CHAPTER 11 Memory Care

CHAPTER 12 End Phase

YEAR FIVE

CHAPTER 13 Quality of Life

CHAPTER 14 Retired

CHAPTER 15 Rewired

CHAPTER 16 Becoming

CHAPTER 17 Seeking

CHAPTER 18 Understanding

YEAR SIX

CHAPTER 19 Go in Peace

CHAPTER 20 Deep Lessons

CHAPTER 21 It’s Never Too Late

For my mother and my husband—my pillars of love and strength

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

T his narrative memoir is derived directly from my journaling. As such, it is how I recollected, perceived, and interpreted all of the events mentioned.

This journey was shared by family who may have perceived the events differently. With much respect and humility, I acknowledge I had lessons to learn and my perceptions served me.

Family and friends who travelled along this journey with me, I thank each of you. Many of you were concerned for me along the way and I am grateful. Your love and interest helped more than you will know.

My brother, who stood by my side from a distance, I love you.

Our mother gives us life.

When she tends to us well, we move on.

When she needs us, we return.

After she is gone, a mother’s love lives on.

YEAR ONE

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CHAPTER 1

Graduation

S itting there several minutes after most of the stands cleared, it felt like I had graduated too. It was a warm, muggy Florida morning, and the graduation had been planned for the evening the night before. Graduation at St. Petersburg High School usually took place on the football field, but this year it poured all day, so the principal made the decision to postpone graduation until the following morning to give the field time to dry out. No problem. A slight adjustment was all it took, and the graduation would go on.

That slight adjustment, unfortunately, prevented my mom from attending the graduation. She could’ve easily attended the evening event. We would’ve left early enough to give her time to make her way into the stands to watch her darling grandson Cayman graduate. The postponement to nine in the morning meant getting her up and ready by eight o’clock, and that just wasn’t possible with her morning schedule.

My husband, Scott, and I sat watching the stadium empty out. He was glad to sit long enough for the stands to thin out before making our way into the crowd in search of our son. I, on the other hand, didn’t want to move. Filled with feelings of accomplishment, happiness, satisfaction, and anticipation, I wanted to remember the details of this profound moment. You see, that day marked the end of a life phase, which meant the beginning of a new one for my son and for me. That new phase of life was something I’d been dreaming about for a long time. Twenty years had gone by, and I was ready for a new endeavor.

Scott and I had met when I worked at AT&T in Massachusetts. He worked in the same data processing building but for a vendor company. He loved to tell the story that it was love at first sight. When we first met, I had gone to him to arrange for some work that needed done. He said that it was at that moment he knew I was the one. It wasn’t the same for me. He was just another man in a male-dominated data communications industry.

Being a confident, independent, successful woman, I purchased my own home when I was twenty-five. I was in charge of myself and confident in my career. I lived for my own goals and desires.

As time went by, we worked together on a lot of late-night troubleshooting quests. We ate lunches, had late dinners, and got to know each other. We had started dating, but shortly after, the data center was scheduled to be phased out in the course of two years. Scott took a transfer to San Francisco, but I stayed behind to work on the shutdown project.

While on that project, I traveled to many other AT&T sites to work on the transfer. Scott also traveled for his new job, so we found ourselves meeting up all over the country. We kept at our long-distance relationship until it began to wear on us.

One business trip we tied in to coincide with his sister’s wedding. After the wedding, we flew one leg of the trip together. It was on that plane that Scott proposed to me. We landed and went our separate ways to our opposite coasts.

When the Massachusetts site closed, I had my choice of transfers. I considered only warm climates, and Atlanta, Orlando, and Sacramento, California, were my top choices. Scott and I decided that Orlando would be our best option for lower cost of living, and he could easily transfer to a new job. While Scott was still in San Francisco, I rented a small condo in Orlando and put my house on the market in Massachusetts. We began our wedding plans and dreamed big.

Joining our salaries gave us many opportunities. We decided to get married in Massachusetts in the cold month of January. Our big dream developed, and we decided to buy a small house in Orlando but also wanted a beach house on the coast within a two-hour drive. Our plan was to be able to leave work on a Friday night and drive the two hours to our coastal house. On Monday morning, we’d get up early and drive back to Orlando for work.

Planning a wedding from out of state was tough. My mother was in charge of finding a wedding venue and helping manage the details of the wedding. Mary, my best friend from college, was my maid of honor and helped my mom and me with the wedding details. Scott was in charge of the honeymoon and wanted something extraordinary. He chose Hawaii and Tahiti. I loved that he could dream big, just as I liked to do.

My Massachusetts house sold easily. We used that money and bought our Orlando home even before Scott transferred. He made several trips to Orlando, and we drove to both coasts in search of our coastal dream house. We decided on the west coast and picked Madeira Beach. It’s a small beach town between Clearwater and St. Pete Beach, which is less than two hours from Orlando. Then it was up to me to find a home as Scott headed back to San Francisco.

Working with a Realtor, I found the style of house I liked. I started out wanting a little beach shack, but the prices were okay for a newer style home. Since there were so many choices, we needed to clarify what we really wanted. Over the phone, we clarified our big dream and concluded that we wanted to live on the water with a boat in our backyard and be within walking distance to the beach.

The Realtor opened up our choices when she said we could tear down any house if the location was right but the older house was not. As it turned out, I found a double lot on the bay across the street from the beach. I convinced Scott he’d love it sight unseen. He put up the money to secure the land and visited weeks later to see it in person.

We married, we honeymooned, and as our dream grew bigger than we could’ve imagined, we designed and had our home built. Because the lot was so large, we designed the home with an attached guesthouse. It took more than a year to build.

While we spent many weekends driving over to see the progress of the new house, we found out I was pregnant. I hadn’t foreseen that coming and hadn’t realized what was happening to my body for two months. I must’ve taken six pregnancy tests before telling Scott. When I did tell him, he was super-duper happy.

Since my body concealed my pregnancy, I was able to keep the secret at work for six months. I did not want my career jeopardized in any way. When my breasts became enormous, the male colleagues at work speculated that I’d had a boob job. One of my closer male colleagues, who had several children of his own, asked me if I was pregnant. It was then that I informed my department head.

It was on a weekend that I gave birth to our son Boston. Our beach house was complete, and we moved over for my six-week maternity leave. I extended my maternity leave to three months and then to the maximum of six months.

My time at the beach in our new house bonding with our newborn was transformative. Overwhelmed with awe, I felt drawn into a spiritual quest to find my truths. Taking on the role of mother, I wanted to be the best I could be and needed my understanding of life to be clear. When the maximum maternity leave neared, I went back to Orlando to seek day care. I interviewed several places close to home and work. One place was special, but the information that stirred me was even more special. The owner of this impressive day care sensed my apprehension and offered this advice. She said the longer I could stay home with my baby, three years if possible, the more beneficial it is to my baby, and I’d never regret it. That was permissive music to my ears. Scott and I discussed our options. We were both a bit shocked that I was considering leaving my career, but the thought of leaving my baby with strangers was horrifying to me.

We took a leap of faith, and with the corporate buyout package, I left the corporate world behind. When that reality sunk in, we were back at the beach house. Scott left for work each day, and I learned how to be a full-time mom.

Panic came when I didn’t know who I was outside of work. I gave up my corporate career path, lunches out, and high heels for nursing a hungry baby. It was unsettling to lose the identity I had held for the last ten years. Trying to find a way to replace my salary, I worked to turn our attached apartment into a seasonal vacation rental.

My mother escaped her cold Massachusetts winter to visit and help me out with Boston. One day, she took him out for a walk and met my neighbor Cec, who was strolling her baby boy the same age. Cec and her husband, Steve, became our neighborhood family and parenting partners for the long haul. Cec, however, was a working mom.

Since we lived near the water, it was imperative to teach babies how to swim. I enrolled Boston in the Mommies and Me baby swim class at the YMCA. Boston, born a Pisces, took to the water like a fish. At those classes, I met several other moms, and we started a baby playgroup. They became my social outlet. Many of us had other children, but through it, we continued our play dates.

As the kids grew, we moms upgraded our gathering to ladies’ night out. We went out for dinner and drinks once a month while leaving the kids home with the dads. We had parties for our families too. We bonded tightly, and I had a new social life.

Of the women in that group, one’s life mirrored mine. Darla had two boys and a husband who traveled for his work. Unlike me, she was a working physical therapist but could also flex her schedule to accommodate her family. As our children grew, our younger boys became best friends. They went from middle school friends into high school friends and then on to roommates in college. During those years, Darla and I became very close.

When my boys were very young, Scott had a job in Tampa. One day he came home with a job opportunity that offered significantly more money but required lots of travel. He was so pleased to be able to earn more for our family, but it was the same day I planned to share I wanted to go back to work. I never got those words out.

With Scott traveling each week, I wanted to find a way to earn money from home. Over the years, I tried various entrepreneurial endeavors. Once I even traveled to Houston to investigate a computer gaming franchise, but I turned it down because technology was just changing too fast. The next thing I tried was selling Bright Ideas educational software. I did home presentations and sold to neighbors and friends. I also did school presentations for parents and teachers. On one of those presentations, my babysitter canceled, and I had to cancel too. That kind of work fizzled out too. Then when the real estate market took off, I became a real estate agent.

The kids were in elementary school, so I had free days to work and show houses. With the knowledge I’d gained of the real estate market, we decided to invest in a condo on the beach as another vacation rental. I stayed with my real estate career until the market tanked. I kept my license active but left that life behind when there were more agents than houses for sale.

Around the time Cayman graduated from high school, I was working in a jewelry store owned by friends. Our friends had grown their business into a successful store and needed some help. When approached, I had no clue what I could offer to a jewelry store, but I loved these friends and wanted to help. Scott thought it would be a good idea to get me out of the house and back into the world because for the last few years of raising our boys, I was also watching over my mom, who was living next door in our apartment. She counted on me for her financial and medical concerns along with companionship and general oversight. It began to consume me.

We took Cayman out for his graduation lunch and scheduled a party for him the following Saturday evening at our home. He was excited about moving on to college at FSU and getting on the track team there. We talked about all the great things coming his way.

Cayman was a successful pole-vaulter during his high school career and in a rigorous academic program at his school. Until he turned sixteen, I was his chauffeur, but even after he got his driver’s license, I attended all of his track competitions and school functions. Being a stay-at-home mom for the last twenty years, I had always been available for my kids and their schedules. I loved every minute.

Just as the original graduation ceremony was rained out, so were our outdoor graduation party plans. We didn’t see the rain coming until it was almost too late. Luckily, our neighbors, Steve and Cec, hurriedly moved the setup from outside near the pool to inside my house. For a split second, it seemed like a premonition of some kind, as if things weren’t going to go as I thought they should, but I dropped that thought as the hoopla of the high school grad party commenced.

At the party, everyone wanted to know what my plans were. I said the same thing repeatedly and told everyone, My plan is to take a year to discover myself and travel with Scott on his more enjoyable business trips and see what comes of it all. I was fifty-two years old, and my mother was eighty-two. I figured I had thirty years of life to live, and I wanted to figure out what I wanted to do with those years. It felt right to take the time to find out which way I wanted to go.

After the graduation party, the sense of relief and accomplishment was so satisfying that I found myself giddy most days. That summer went by with focus on preparations to get Cayman settled at Florida State University. As it turned out, he and his best friend would be roommates. Everything was going smoothly and falling into place. The move went without a hitch, and we took another step toward our future.

My mom stayed by herself when we went to FSU for the move. Steve and Cec offered to visit with her, but I didn’t accept their offer. Mother was not always presentable, and I didn’t want them or her to be embarrassed. In the end, they visited with her anyway.

On the long drive home from Tallahassee, I was bubbling with joy. There were no tears or empty feelings. I was excited that another child of mine was on his way. The thought of an empty nest sounded marvelous to both Scott and me. We joked about it often with the kids and our friends that we would change the locks once the kids went off to college. Our jobs were finished, for the most part. As parents, that’s what we signed up for, and now it was going to be our time once again.

I was proud, satisfied, and ready for the next phase of my life. My intention was to take a year to reconnect with my husband. It was our hope that I would use the year to travel along on his more glamorous business trips as free mini vacations. It would be a fun way for us to reconnect in different environments. It sounded exciting and intriguing to both of us.

Along the way, it was also my desire to find inspiration toward a new goal or a new purpose for the journey beyond the long one of raising our children. There was an inkling of a career goal buried deep inside, and I wanted to see if it would turn out to be the next phase in my life. Deep inside of me was a dream to write a book. I carried that dream inside for a very long time.

My mother moved into our attached apartment two years earlier after showing signs of being unable to care for her home in Massachusetts. Having her right next door allowed me to check on her daily and include her in our life. I was in charge of her finances and appointments, but she was independent with some oversight. She may not have been the best housekeeper, but she kept herself clean, did her own laundry, and made small meals for herself.

When she couldn’t remember if she took her thyroid pill, we came up with a system for that. Each evening after walking her back home from dinner, I would ready her coffee pot with her one mandatory pill next to it to remind her in the morning to take the pill when she pushed the on button for her coffee.

There were other signs of decline that didn’t seem too bad at the time, or maybe I was overlooking them because I didn’t want anything to change when it came to my mother. At that time, she was still able to use the phone, but sometimes she didn’t know where the phone was or that it needed to sit in the cradle to charge. Other times, she would not hold the phone upright in order to speak into the proper end.

My mother seemed content and enjoyed being with us as much as possible. She walked herself from the apartment to our main house to eat dinner with us without assistance. After dinner, I walked her back home to get her settled for the night.

Our first empty-nest month, Scott and I learned to spend quiet evenings together. He learned to quit working in his home office by seven in the evening, and I learned to share my TV shows with him. We began having late-night dinners and had fun deciding what to cook or what to order for takeout. We seemed to have a lot of free time together, and that was something new for us. We were looking forward to an enticing business trip, but none had occurred yet.

Our dear friends Steve and Cec were ahead of us with an empty nest of two years, as their son went off to college the same time Boston did. They were happy for us to be at the same stage of life again. They had already met neighbors who didn’t have children and found themselves invited out more now that kids were out of the picture. There was a completely new world out there for those who weren’t raising kids.

It was an exciting time with all the possibilities of life in front of us. I anticipated my new future with happy thoughts each day. I continued writing in my journals as I had over the years to keep track of my desires and aspirations. I felt like a kid, yet I had respect for the wisdom I’d