The Silenced Child

By Zenaida Agrispin

This book is about a little girl who felt neglected at home in a family of nine children, who was sexually abused by one of her brothers, and who learned to cope with the situation.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Jul 31, 2019
• ISBN: 9781728315133

Zenaida Agrispin

My name is Zenaida Agrispin, I was born in Fajardo P.R.,but was originally from Luquillo P.R.,and was raised in the Bronx N.Y. since the age of four and a half years old and resides in upstate N.Y.

Book preview

CHAPTER ONE

I remember the summer I turn four years old…I didn’t know when exactly, but that was the year I started taking account…of ME, MYSELF and I…I’m number seven.

It was a regular day ...I don’t remember having a party or anything, I just felt older. Not necessarily older, I felt alive….like I was, a person, walking and talking and being a somebody…someone, that I had a say in this family.

I guessed, it’s like I found myself, for the very first time.

I will always remember, this one time, when all of us…my whole family was there. It was my mom and dad, my seven other siblings…also, there were my aunts and uncles and cousins, and we were all jambed packed in our house ...it was a beautiful sunny day in Puerto Rico. I felt happy and alive, like I just came out of a stupor or a high fever…

I’m not quite sure how to explained it…but I found myself in the middle of it all… since and because, I don’t remember being younger than that….not even the day before that.

So on that beautiful, sunny, breezy day, there was a big discussion at home…about our big move to America. I heard the excitement, in all their voices, and I felt it in the air… something exciting was about to happen to my family…and I was too little to understand, what was going on… but I wanted to be part of all of it.

Everybody was too preoccupied, and me…always feeling, like I was being left out, and or, ignored…went to the window, to look out to the second floor terrace, with no balcony…well that’s what I thought it was at first, then come to find out, it was only a small, dangerous roof ...and I said out loud, I wish I could go out there to play," and my older brother Junior, by four years, told me that he can go ...so to prove it, he climbs out the window…

So of course, I wanted to go too, so I turned around, to try to get my mom’s attention and I told her on my brother….but she didn’t pay no mind to me, my mom just mumble something about it being fine, so I asked if I could go too ?… I was told no, but to me, it felt like it was always no, so I started to protest, but my mom and everyone else ignored my begging like always.

That’s when the greatest idea hit me, and decided all on my own, that I was going out there too. I look back at my family all worried about America…no one was looking at me, so I climb out the window also.

I was so happy and excited, about the freedom I was having at the moment….but it was interrupted by my little brother Dee, who I guessed, would always tag along behind me, and had started wondering where I was .…and so, he looked out, the same window we went through, and saw Junior and I playing… well, really we were just standing, looking around, and wanted to come out too… but he was only three and I thought he was still too little… but then he started calling out to me, I told him to hush up .…before they find us out there, and we all get in big trouble.

So I called out to my mom, to come and get him, but nobody heard me… so I went back inside, and push my lil bro Dee, out the window to the small roof .Once we are out there, my mind got to working again, and I looked around us, to see what was so great, about being out there… and what could we do to have some fun, while the grown-ups carry on with their discussion.

That’s, when I noticed how so closed together, the house next door, was to us…then out of nowhere, I got a crazy idea and I thought, that if I were to jump, that I will definitely make it to the other roof… but I had to voice my opinion out loud… and I even got ready, set, almost go,… when Junior intervened and told me no, to wait… that he was going to do it, as a matter of fact, he told us to watched him, to move back, both of us, that he was going to show us, how it was done…. So I got really nervous, and even told him not to do it, that I had just been kidding, and that he was going to get in trouble…. but he said, that no he wasn’t, because he was going jump over and jump right back…

… So I grab lil Dee by the arm, and we moved back…and Junior took a leap and disappeared….

…. but I couldn’t see him on the other side of the roof either, I started to panic… and once again I looked inside the window, and called out to my mom, to tell that her Junior had jumped…and he was nowhere to be found, and that I had looked at the other roof but he was still not there either…but again I was ignored.

So I decided to look for him, but first I had to push my little brother Dee, back inside the window to the living room…where he landed hard on the floor… but he was okay, and if someone noticed, what was going on, they didn’t bat an eyelash, anyway.

Once lil Dee was safely inside, I was back on the roof, in search of Junior…I went to look, at where he had jumped…and he still wasn’t there, so I went to the edge of the roof and lay down carefully, because I didn’t want to fall, and disappear also… plus my heart was pounding really fast .…and I had a very, bad feeling, that something terrible, had happened to Junior….but at the same time, I thought that maybe, he climbed down, the side of the house somehow, and was playing outside…and forgot all about us, on the roof by ourselves, or maybe he went back inside the house ,because he got bored… without me noticing, because I was paying attention to little Dee.

But when I got really closed to the edge…and lie down, to look for my brother again ...there lay Junior, on top of a big rock, a boulder…just laying there, not moving at all!!

Oh no!!!… I thought he was dead!!!!…. And it was my fault!!… for even suggesting it…for wanting to go out there, so I called out his name, and he stirred, a little ...but he couldn’t move…

I was so terrified, that I jumped back ...and crawled in through the window so fast, that I stumbled and fell….but I didn’t care, and ran to my mom, with the bad news, but I was told to be quiet, that the grownups were talking…but this time, I was determine to be heard…I wanted them, to listen to what I had to say… I took a deep breath, and went to my mom again…but this time, right up to her face… and said very loud and clear, for everyone to hear me, that Junior had fallen, down the side of the house, and he wasn’t moving at all!, and that I thought he was dead!!….now I got everyone’s attention and my mom looked at me and asked why would you say that? and I yelled "because he fell and he’s not moving!!…

There was a pause, while they let it all sinked in…what I had just blurted out… and then everybody, started scrambling around, and talking at once, and someone went outside to check on my brother…it was so sad ...they found him sprawled on the rock, that was wedged between the two houses, and he was badly hurt ...he suffered a broken arm, a broken nose, a cut on his face, and his tonque was almost cut in half ...therefore, he had needed stitches on his tonque…which caused him to stutter, pretty bad, throughout his teenage years.

That incident delayed, our move to America for four months.

It wasn’t until November, of 1969, that we were able to start, on our trip to our new life, in America.

Then, after that horrible accident, there was another incident that happened before we moved to New York… that I also remember clearly…and will never, ever forget.

It had been a muggy, cloudy day in August more or less, and my mom was working for the white people, ironing and washing for them, and my dad was working somewhere at a car garage, and my oldest sister Ana…who was like our nanny…was babysitting all of us… her seven younger siblings, from 13 to 3 yrs. of age…It was a big responsibility, for a girl her age…and she missed a lot of school because of it.

A huge thunder storm was threatening the skies, and it was approaching really fast.

It got very dark outside…so dark, that it look like it was nighttime ...but it only was eleven or so in the morning ... and I remember, telling my sister Ana, that we should go to Tia’s house, before it starts to rain, and gets really ugly outside…and I tried to explained to her, that it wasn’t that faraway… but she said, that she didn’t think, it was a good idea… and she didn’t want for us to get caught in the storm, but I told her, if it starts to rain, then we would all, run really, really fast!!…. for me it seemed, like fun, to run in the rain anyway….but she said no, that she thought it was best, if we stay put, and wait for our parents to get home.

So we waited and waited, but our parents hadn’t showed up yet, and then it started pouring.

It was raining so hard, that we couldn’t even see clearly out the windows.

Then the storm started…there was a loud thunder, then a crack, and lighting followed suit, that lighted up the outside for a second or two…and it seemed really bad out there. I was getting so afraid, because I felt the house shaking…and I decided, to try and persuaded her, once more, that it was best, for all of us, to go to one of our tia’s houses, or abuela’s.

My sister Ana, really didn’t want to go out in that weather, she wanted to stay put, but she thought about it, after I kept pestering her, that we should be with an adult…and decided, that I was right, that it was best thing to do, if we left to abuela’s house…which was closer.

My four older siblings, Louie, Chino, Eddie and Tita, ran ahead of us, then it was only Ana, Junior, lil Dee, and myself, left to make run for it…I never understood why, we couldn’t all have ran together….Junior had an arm cast, so Ana told him, to wait with me, on the porch, while she took lil Dee on her back…and told us, she’ll be back for us…but as soon as she started to leave, Junior didn’t listen, and ran down the steps after her…

So I followed him, but she told me no, to go back on the porch and wait for her, I complained about Junior leaving too, and that I was going to be there all by myself, and she said "you’ll be fine, just wait here for me, and I’ll be right back for you ‘’.

I protested, I begged and cried, I told my sister Ana, that I could also run alongside her with Junior, and I grabbed his hand, and told her that we won’t let go, that we would hold hands all the way to abuela’s…. but she said no no, over and over again… Just wait here for me…

I was so, so scare, and didn’t want to stay, but I had to ...I was forced… and when they were leaving, I even tried to run with them…but she grabbed me by the arm, and took me back to the porch again, and told me to wait for her…and left me there all alone crying…a four yr. old little girl….who had been neglected, a few times already, before that age… there were some things, that happened to me, and that I did,….when I was younger than two years old .…[I was told, later on in life, when I was a little older…]

I couldn’t believe, what was happening to me, at the moment…that my whole family, left me behind…being that it was a large one.

I started screaming at the top of my lungs, hoping a neighbor would hear me .…I remembered that there was a house next to our house, where my brother Junior had jumped to and fallen through….but no one came, I knew they probably couldn’t hear me due to the storm ... with the wind howling and all ...that’s when I gave up hope and decided to go back in the house…and wait, all alone and afraid.

I was sobbing, trying to be strong…thinking, that, there had to be a reason, why I was in that predicament.

I just knew there had to be an answer, and just when I was about to give up, and turned the door knob, to go inside the house, I heard my sister Ana call me, and I turned around ...but I couldn’t see her… so I continued opening the door to go in, when I heard her calling out to me again…

At first, I thought, I was just hearing things… hoping so bad, that she would, come back for me….so I tried to ignored it, and just go inside.

But then, I looked over again and she was really there!! she came back for me ...I knew then, that even if it was a little, that she did cared about me…I was so happy to see her, that renew tears started falling again, but this time of pure joy and relief .She hoisted me up on her back and cut through the rain, running all the way to abuela’s house.

Once we were safe in abuela’s house, I looked around and saw that everyone was there…even my parents ...and at that moment, I had mixed emotions, about the situation that had just unfolded before me….like what happened, why was a little girl, four yrs. old, left alone on a porch, with so many older people around…?

CHAPTER TWO

T hat was in the past, but those mixed feelings creeps up in my life sometimes….here and there.

Well after those two incidents, things seemed normal for a while, soon Junior’s arm cast came off, and the plans to move to America resumed…there was packing to be done, furniture to be wrapped in quilts, and send to our new address at Bronx, NY in the United States of America.

Then one day a huge truck, from LA ROSA DEL MONTE, pulled up in front of our house in Luquillo, Puerto Rico, and took almost all of our furniture, to the new home, my dad left the next day after, the movers. Then about a months later, my mom, Junior, lil dee and I, were on our way, to the airport…I’ve never been on a plane before, so I didn’t know what to expect…all I remember, was sitting on a different kind of seat…and a nice lady, offering me orange juice and a pillow…I felt asleep, almost immediately after that, and woke up when we landed .

My mom was shaking me awake, to get up, because we needed to get off the plane. That’s when I remembered, that we were in America!!! .…

I couldn’t wait to get off the plane, plus I wanted to see the plane itself ...since I didn’t get to take a good look at it, when we got on it….we had to walk down, these long steps from the plane, and it was really dark out, and pouring .It was raining so much, that there were mud puddles all over the place, and I was trying to avoid them but to no avail….

My favorite white socks, with the purple balls were ruined!

I started to cry….already this great moved, to New York, was turning out to be, not so great after all….my dad was waiting for us, by his car, and my mom, pulled me by the arm, and told me not to worry, about my socks, that she was going to washed them ...and we got in the car, and my dad drove us to our new home…while I cried silently.

It wasn’t a house like I imagined it to be… it was a building… and we had to climb the stairs to the fourth floor. My tiny legs couldn’t take all those steps, since I wasn’t used to it… but we made it ...and we didn’t leave the house for a several days after that, because it was snowing outside.

Finally the snow let up, and we had to go, with my mom, to department of social services .I was eager to see where we lived, how did it looked, was it going to be fun ?…. but the first thing I saw was garbage, lots of it pile on the sidewalks and dirty snow…I didn’t know back then, that there was a strike going on, with sanitation department ...I had asked my mom about the garbage, but she said she didn’t know what was going on either…. and I just kept staring at it…and my mom had to pulled me by the arm again, to get into the taxicab waiting for us, to take us to DSS.

I felt disappointed, and sad, when I saw our new home. Well, we didn’t get to see much of the outside world… since it was so dreary and cold, and there was so much snow on the ground, we only went out, to take care of the important stuff.

We came to New York, by the end of November, of 1969… And the first thing I noticed… was that the building, was infested with bedbugs and cockroaches.

Lil Dee and I shared, a bedroom with two cribs in it… one for him and one for me… and every night, my mom and dad, would come into our bedroom, to kill the bedbugs…. because lil Dee was getting bit a lot, even though I wasn’t…. and so every night, I would wake up to my parents, coming into our room and killing huge, fat bedbugs ... that would walk, all over my little brother, on the cribs and the walls….the next day, the walls would be splattered with blood, and lil Dee would sleep through the whole scenario .

At that time I was already 4 and a 1/2 years old and I had learned ...and dared to get down from the crib .…but lil Dee was too babyish to get down, and he’s only a year younger than me, plus he cried all the time…for any little reason, or no reason at all…it was like he was fragile or something, I don’t know, but I felt like he was the little girl, and I was the little boy…like I had to be strong, and watchful over him…and help my mom with him, because she was pregnant with baby Angel.

By February of 1970, my dad sent for my older sister Tita, and one of my older brothers, Eddie, to come to New York also ...but there were still three more siblings left in P.R…The three oldest, which was Ana, Louie and Chino.

Then a several months later, my two older brothers, were sent for…so then it was only, my oldest sister Ana left to bring home… she was going to have to wait a little longer, before they can send for her…since Ana wasn’t there to keep an eye on me, I was all over the place, and used to do, some crazy stuffs.

I mostly remember, playing with a radiator valve! I would take it out, shake out the water and put it back…but I was told by Junior, not to touch it, when the heat was on ...and I wasn’t dumb, I knew it was hot, but still, I would play with it, every chance I got… when it was bedtime, or when my dad was entertaining his friends at home…and my mom, would be catering to his every needs, and those of his friends, also.

My mom never smoked, or drank alcohol, in her whole entire life!!…but that was all my dad, and his buddies did…every time they got together.

But when my dad was home, with his friends, my mom wasn’t her usual self ...she wanted me to stay in the room, in my crib…but I wouldn’t listen and get down, as soon as, she closed the door, and played with the radiator valve. I even played with it, when it was hot… because Junior had taught me, a way to take it out, and put it back in without getting burn .…he was a daring kid ...he was already nine years old.

So, I would sneaked, out the room, and watched my mom, sitting at the edge of the couch ...six or seven months pregnant, taking care of my dad and his friends…she would pick up all the empty beer cans, bring them some more, and empty out the ashtrays..

I didn’t like that one bit!!!… I decided then and there, to asked my mom, why couldn’t he get the beers himself, and she said that he’s tired, because he works, and I said to her but you’re pregnant!!,’’ and she replied oh I’m fine" .…

Then one day, on one of those occasions, I was bored, and tired of looking at mom, taking care of my dad and company… so I decided, to play with the radiator, in my room… they were all over the