It’s Not Goodbye: Finding Hope After the Death of a Child

By Joy Lora Burden and Caroline Henderson

It’s Not Goodbye is a compilation of personal interviews of parents and siblings who have experienced the loss of a child. This book provides insight into how parents and siblings survived the loss and managed to continue living their life with meaning and hope.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Mar 28, 2019
• ISBN: 9781973653462

Joy Lora Burden

Joy Burden is the Director of Nursing for Extended Care and Behavioral Health Services in a Western Kentucky Hospital. Joy holds Graduate degrees in Nursing, Public Administration and Management and is a Licensed Long Term Care Administrator. Joy experienced the loss of her son, Travis, in 2009. Caroline Henderson is the Director of Nursing for Emergency Services and Trauma Care in the same Western Kentucky Hospital. Caroline holds a graduate degree in Nursing. Caroline experienced the loss of her son in 1987. Joy and Caroline first met as Intensive Care Unit nurses in 1985. Their lives intertwined over the course of years. Neither Caroline nor Joy ever dreamed they would one day co-author a book on the loss of a child. By sharing their stories of loss, and the stories of eleven other families, Joy and Caroline offer hope to others experiencing this same loss.

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Copyright © 2019 Joy Lora Burden & Caroline Henderson.

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Scripture taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

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ISBN: 978-1-9736-5347-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-5348-6 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-5346-2 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2019901724

WestBow Press rev. date: 06/05/2019

Contents

Dedication

Foreword

Preface

Acknowledgment

Introduction

Jeremy Lee Horn

Travis Jordan Smith

Jace Malcolm Bugg

Tipton Russell (Sonny) Burden

Stephen Westbrook Coke

Jonathan David Coomes

Rebecca Ann Julius Perkins

George Randall Lewis (Randy)

Baby Morris

Justin Courtney Mundell

Ryan Charles Mundell

Keaton Ray Payne

Jennifer Marie Davis Riley

Wade Anthony Strain

Epilogue

Dedication

We dedicate this book to God, who led us to share the hope we have in our hearts, and to the parents and siblings who candidly opened their hearts and shared the depths of their pain with us.

Most importantly, we dedicate this book to these beloved children:

• Jeremy Lee Horn

• Travis Jordan Smith

• Jace Malcolm Bugg

• Tipton Russell (Sonny) Burden

• Stephen Westbrook Coke

• Jonathan David Coomes

• Rebecca Ann Julius Perkins

• George Randal (Randy) Lewis

• Baby Morris

• Justin Courtney Mundell

• Ryan Charles Mundell

• Keaton Ray Payne

• Jennifer Marie Davis Riley

• Wade Anthony Strain

Foreword

Let me begin by briefly introducing myself as someone who has a background in the helping profession. I have a master’s degree in clinical social work and have been licensed at the independent level in three states. As a clinical therapist, I have had a plethora of opportunities in this field to listen to and understand the heartbreaking stories of men, women, and children. As a therapist, one must listen with a heart of empathy but not allow oneself to be decimated by the details. Believe me, this is a learned response that takes time to develop. As you read through these pages, be advised that the door into their emotional stories is not open just a crack; it is wide open and may enthrall you, scare you, and certainly engage you. The authors have done a tremendous job of not only eliciting details about the losses experienced but also capturing the raw emotions that accompany them.

I have never lost a child, and I am thankful to our Lord that He has protected them and kept them safe. Therefore, I don’t claim to truly understand what it must be like to endure something this devastating—an experience that isn’t just for one day, one year, or even ten years but one that lasts a lifetime. Yes, we learn to work through things, to grieve, and to deal with our anger and resentments, but from this book, I have come to understand that the loss of a child is an ongoing lifetime experience. Some ask why, some ask what if, and some refuse to deal with these questions at all. Everyone must deal with the loss, the grief, and the process in their own way.

This book is rich in the stories that are told, in the raw emotions that the authors and storytellers evoke, and the numerous ways the survivors do just that—learn to survive and move forward. The book format is ingenious in that it proceeds through the asking of questions which parents respond to quite openly. These are tough questions, and the answers are candid and filled with numerous golden nuggets of wisdom, lessons learned from a battle that is both internal and external.

The question How did you hear the devastating news? reveals the depth of shock, the height of emotion, and the overwhelming sense of loss through the answers that follow. One observation I have is that what is in your heart comes out during this time. If we have been a true and faithful follower of Jesus, put His word in our heart, and walked it out to the best of our ability, it will be those truths, His Word, that will make up our responses. This is not to say all responses will be of this sort, because we are human, and this type of loss is clearly overwhelming. However, after the funeral, after the rituals and family visits are over and survivors are left alone, that is when our reliance on Jesus is most important. One response indicated that the hardest time was the second week after all of the fanfare was over.

The open and vulnerable responses of those suffering the loss include many key takeaway moments, from which others who have experienced this devastation may glean insight, support, and helpful direction. It is amazing to me to see how some deal with the question of Why?, their guilt, and the unfulfilled promises of the child. One quote is particularly powerful regarding the concept of love. The parent stated, If love could have saved Travis, he would have lived forever. One fear that was common through many of the responses: fear that their loved one will be forgotten. The examples of how parents and friends dealt with this are truly amazing and so creative.

An additional part of the book that stood out for me is the way in which some parents used the tragedy not only to cope but to help others. The grief associated with the death of a child killed as a result of drunk driving is extremely difficult to deal with, as there can be great anger associated with this, especially toward the responsible party. One parent started a MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving), group and one spoke to school assemblies about her situation in the hope that she might prevent even one death. One moving comment stated, Unless anger is channeled into positives to prevent future deaths, it prevents you from honoring the person you so desperately miss.

Our Bible tells us that God is able to take something meant for evil and turn it for good. Many throughout these stories shared the importance of faith in God as a means of coping and getting through these tragedies. There is an amazing example of forgiveness that one parent was able to express. Others, knowing that their loved one was a Christian, were comforted by the realization that they will be reunited with them in heaven. What a sense of hope! One story regarding a young woman who had contracted a fatal illness and knew she was soon to die was especially moving for me. The courage she displayed was remarkable and truly an example for all of us. Knowing that she had less than twenty-four hours to live, she made this comment to her father: Dad, I love you. You know I’ll be dead tomorrow at this time. What a powerful moment! Having the opportunity to have this intimacy and the opportunity to express one’s love at that moment brings not only a tear to one’s eyes but a sense of great courage.

I could go on and on about these stories and the amazing people who have lived through them and are willing to share their innermost thoughts and feelings. Regardless of how these deaths occurred—through suicide, miscarriage, accidents, drunk drivers, or illness—these stories are all powerful and have much to teach us about not only suffering great loss but finding hope in grief.

Rogher Hargus

Preface

The depth of grief after losing a child can only be understood by another parent who has lived through the same nightmare. As the years have gone by since the deaths of our sons, 1987 for Jeremy and 2009 for Travis, we have been blessed to meet other families who have walked the same journey of grief and who have ultimately found hope. We chose to interview eleven other families who have experienced the loss of their own children, and we share their stories with you.

As we sat on the back porch on a breezy, sunny summer day in July 2014, we naively sketched out our one year plan to publish this book. Now, many years later, we are amazed not only at how long this journey has taken us but by how much we are moved by the stories of these families.

Our purpose for writing the book is to offer hope to the hurting. As we struggled to find peace after the death of our sons, we found the all-sufficient, all-sustaining grace of God. We have hope, we have peace, and we have joy! Healing required time and the extension of grace and forgiveness to ourselves.

We want you, Mom, and you, Dad, whose grief is so fresh it feels like a gaping wound that will not close, to know that you will get better. Your pain will grow more tolerable, and one day you too will share hope with others. You will reach out to other grieving parents and offer them encouragement and