Letters to My Child’s Guardian: Together with My Very Personal Gift and Legacy to My Unbelievably Amazing Child

By Virginia C. Antipolo-Utt

This is a wonderful gift to parents, children, and estate planning practitioners. It offers a helpful reference on many items they need to consider when selecting a guardian for minor children and provides a souvenir to cherish forever. Lorraine del Prado, Vice President, Principal Gifts & Philanthropic Initiatives at Seattle Children’s

In this remarkable book, Virginia, a deeply caring and professionally accomplished person, brings what she shares with family, friends, and clients in her everyday life: compassion, wisdom, expertise, and a profound commitment to making our world a better place through the wellbeing of children and families. Al Boren, CEO of the Shasta Family YMCA

I highly endorse this book! It as a valuable tool for parents . . . and the best legacy we can leave our children. Brenda Baltrusch, Career Trust Officer at Large National Bank

Every parent faces the often gut-wrenching question: “Who will raise my child in the event of a disaster?” As difficult as it is to focus on dire possibilities, selecting a guardian for one’s minor child is an essential part of every parent’s will. Parents who fail to act leave their child’s guardian unprepared and may leave their child’s future, routines, and traditions up to strangers to decide.

If you could spend a few moments now that would make it possible to dramatically help your child navigate a profoundly difficult time later, would you?

Letters to My Child’s Guardian offers:

• Many parent-attorney insights about child guardianship decisions • Identifies critical legal issues and practical choices to consider in wills and trusts • Demystifies this process for each family and provides great insight

Letters creates a unique “catastrophe” resource, jumpstarts vital discussions, and guides parents to share an enduring family legacy that will captivate future generations. Through Letters parents can supplement their estate plans in a non-legally binding fashion and reveal and preserve profoundly meaningful advice. Families can use this inspirational resource to create powerful letters of encouragement, advice, and wisdom for their children.

For over thirty years attorney Virginia Antipolo-Utt has provided sophisticated and compassionate estate planning counsel to her clients about wills, trusts, and guardianships. Virginia graduated from Duke University Law School, enjoys writing and cooking, and since elementary school has enjoyed serving in many diverse volunteer capacities. Virginia lives with her husband, daughter, and fur-faced friends near Seattle, Washington.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Oct 28, 2014
• ISBN: 9781490841878

Virginia C. Antipolo-Utt

For over thirty years, attorney Virginia Antipolo-Utt has provided estate planning, wills, trust, and guardianship advice to her clients. Virginia graduated from Duke Law School, enjoys writing, and since elementary school has dedicated significant volunteer time to many charities. Virginia lives with her husband, daughter, and three dogs in Snohomish, Washington. She is also presently working on a book with her daughter focused on uplifting and launching young people through the sometimes challenging teen life lessons.

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Copyright © 2014 Virginia C. Antipolo-Utt and Esse Quam Videri, L.L.C.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

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Bible Translations

BBE—The Bible in Basic English, translated by Samuel Henry Hooke (1874–1968). Public domain.

CJB—Scripture quotations are taken from the Complete Jewish Bible, Copyright © 1998 by David H. Stern. Published by Jewish New Testament Publications, Inc. www.messianicjewish.net/jntp. Distributed by Messianic Jewish Resources. www.messianicjewish.net. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

CSB—Holman Christian Standard Bible. © 2001, Broadman and Holman Publishers, Lifeway Christian Resources, 127 Ninth Avenue North, Nashville, TN 37234.

ESV—Scripture taken from the English Standard Version, Copyright © 2001. The ESV and English Standard Version are trademarks of Good News Publishers.

GNT— Scripture taken from the Good News Translation, Second Edition, Copyright © 1992 by American Bible Society. Used by Permission.

GOD’S WORD—Scripture taken from GOD’S WORD. GOD’S WORD is a copyrighted work of God’s Word to the Nations. Quotations are used by permission. Copyright © 1995 by God’s Word to the Nations. All rights reserved.

MSG—Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

NCV—Scriptures quoted from The Holy Bible, New Century Version, Copyright © 1987, 1988, 1991 by Word Publishing, Nashville, Tennessee. Used by permission.

NIRV—Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Reader’s Version®. Copyright © 1996, 1998 International Bible Society. All rights reserved throughout the world. Used by permission of International Bible Society.

NIV—Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2010 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. Publishing House. All rights reserved.

NLT—Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, Copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

WEY—Weymouth New Testament in Modern Speech, third edition, J. Clarke, London, 1913 (public domain).

ISBN: 978-1-4908-4186-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-4187-8 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2014917339

WestBow Press rev. date: 12/05/2014

Contents

Preface By Dr. Jeanetta Chrystie

Special Thanks and Appreciation

Dedication

A Few Heartfelt Words to My Readers

Author’s Acknowledgments

Section I Beginning this Worthwhile Adventure for Your Child

Chapter 1 Read Me: Important Instructions about How to Use this Book

Chapter 2 Where to Start: Selecting Your Child’s Guardian

Chapter 3 How to Start: Character Qualities to Consider When Selecting Your Child’s Guardian

Chapter 4 Special Circumstances: What to Do if You Disagree, Do Not Have any Well-suited Guardian Choices, or Face Special Challenges

Chapter 5 Nitty-gritty Legal Details: How Courts Appoint Guardians and Parents’ Affidavits and Messages to Court

Section II Essential Details to Have at Hand Quickly in Case of an Emergency

Chapter 6 Quick Start: The 72-Hour Checklist

Chapter 7 Getting Settled: Choosing and Setting Up Living Arrangements

Chapter 8 Estate Planning and Financial Priorities: Money, Investments, and Coordination with Trustee

Chapter 9 Health Essentials: Your Child’s Vital Statistics and Medical History

Chapter 10 Expanded Medical Background Knowledge: Family Health Histories

Chapter 11 Confronting Death: Comfort and Grief’s Journey

Section III Your Ultimate Gift and Legacy: Getting to Know Yourself and Sharing Your Heart and Priorities with Your Child

Chapter 12 Goal Point: To Distinguish Yourself, Be Yourself

Chapter 13 Rainbows and Silver Linings: Life Lessons and Morals for Living

Chapter 14 Your Child Rearing Priorities: Discipline, Guidance, Nurturance, and Educational Experiences

Chapter 15 Trust in the Lord: Faith and Spirituality

Chapter 16 Developing Relationships: Love and Respect

Chapter 17 Community Priorities: Work, Success, Giving Forward, and Reaching Out

Chapter 18 My Hall of Fame: Friends and Heroes Who Have Blessed Me

Section IV Preserving Important Memories and Relationships

Chapter 19 Puzzle Pieces: Preserving Your Child’s Memories and Family Traditions

Chapter 20 Treasured Relationships: Family, Friends, and Caregivers, and Their Priceless Gifts of Life, Love, Laughter, and Legends

Chapter 21 Finding Our Family Tree amidst the Forest: Genealogy Information

Section V Helping Your Child’s Guardian Deal with Tough Issues

Chapter 22 Nailing Jell-O to a Tree: Trials, Growing Pains, and Tough-love Times

Chapter 23 Nightmares: Fears, Unspeakable or Unrevealed Necessities, and Family Secrets

Section VI All the Rest

Chapter 24 Letters of Wishes: Priceless Conversations and Unique Special Needs

Chapter 25 Life Is the Best Story: My Gift, My Legacy

Chapter 26 Passing the Light: Delivering this Book to Your Adult Child

Section VII Resources

Appendix A Glossary of Terms

Appendix B Doctors, Professionals, Advisors, and Other Resources

Appendix C Probate, Will, Trust, and Guardian Statutes for the 50 United States

Appendix D Sample Confidential Estate Planning Questionnaire (EPQ) (Based on State of Washington laws and also available for download from www.aplawfirm.com)

Appendix E Bibliography and List of Favorite Resources

About the Author

Endnotes

All educational information contained in Letters is broad and general in nature and is NOT intended to provide and does not provide individual legal or tax advice. The purchase or completion of Letters does NOT constitute the retention of the author, Antipolo & Paul Law Firm, P.S., or publisher to provide legal representation or specific recommendations to the individual reader. The educational ideas, tips, questions, and discussion suggestions contained in this book are not intended as and do not provide a substitute for consulting with your individual lawyer in your state or country of residence. Letters is based on general legal concepts, varied facts and circumstances that may or may not apply to the reader’s family and situation, information common to many estate planning decisions, general State of Washington concepts, and nothing herein is intended to provide specific legal counsel to address any reader’s unique circumstances. Neither the author nor the publisher shall be subject to any confidentiality requirements or liable or responsible for any release of confidential information, disclosure, loss, or damage allegedly arising from any information, journal, or suggestion in this book. In all events, Letters is not meant to and does not supersede any reader’s (or any other) formal estate plan, but rather is intended to provide broadly applicable information to supplement one’s estate plan in a non-legally binding (precatory) manner and to provide a meaningful avenue to express important family values, traditions, and information.

Preface By Dr. Jeanetta Chrystie

Your story matters! You are worth remembering, and in these pages you will find inspiration and guidelines to write down what matters most to you for the benefit of those who matter the most to you—your children!

There are many books written by parents, teachers, and physicians about how to understand and guide children, but this book is unique in both its subject matter and its approach. It provides a venue for communicating your values and love to your children, gives thoughtful guidance to help you describe your home-life preferences for your children in case of your early death or incapacitation, and offers wise insight to help you navigate the maze of legalities when transferring your desires to your chosen guardian(s) and trustee. And it is written by a lawyer!

What you notice first when you pick up this book is that Virginia has a genuine love for children and understands parents’ desires to protect and guide their children throughout their lives. In this book, she has put her heart for parents and their children’s welfare on paper to help them create a legacy of immeasurable richness for their children, nieces, nephews, grandchildren, and future generations! Virginia invites readers to capture their heart and life values on paper, and through guided reflections and thought-provoking commentary, they will find sharing their values and stories to be a simple matter of thinking out loud as they journal their answers to the questions contained in this book.

When I first met Virginia, she was already a dedicated lawyer. As I witnessed her passion for helping clients set up not only solid guardianships (coordinated with client estate plans) but also communicate their values and childrearing preferences to their chosen guardian(s), I told her that she had to make time to collect all of her knowledge into a book. Now she has, and what she has written will be an invaluable tool for parents—and their chosen guardian(s)—to have as both a resource and a guide. As the selected guardian for multiple families of children, I eagerly anticipate distributing copies of this published book to our siblings for use with their children and to our grown children for use with our grandchildren.

Is it possible that the course of your child’s life could be changed by the loss of you as his or her parent? YES! With this in mind, Virginia has included in these pages:

• Thoughtful tips on selecting a guardian

• Guidelines to help you ensure that your wishes will survive the legal maze of guardianship

• Essential forms to help you catalog your family medical histories

• An astonishing amount of journal topics to help you capture your thoughts, experiences, and desires for your children

• Faith-based encouragement to enable you to preserve your precious memories and family traditions

• An in-depth and extremely useful estate planning questionnaire

• Many online resources covering statutes for all 50 United States

To get the most from this book, I recommend that you acquire a companion journal to help you think on paper as you respond to the topics in this book, and then transfer your finalized thoughts into the pages of this book for preservation. You will also want to get a copy of this book for every child in your life!

It is my pleasure to confidently recommend this book to all adults who love children.

Dr. Jeanetta Chrystie, Ph.D.

Author, Educator, and Speaker (www.ClearGlassView.com)

Special Thanks and Appreciation

With deep felt thanks and appreciation to Martine Fabrizio, extraordinary family photographer, for the treasured interior photograph facing the Dedication page of my incredible daughter and Tucker, my adored Golden Retriever ([e-mail]).

Thanks as well to Arthur Egeli, third generation portrait painter, phenomenal photographer, and terrific dad, for the back cover photograph of the author and her amazing daughter ([e-mail]).

Finally, sincere and heartfelt appreciation to Pascale Collins for her work to create the calligraphy dedication page, which she prepared with heart, warmth, and love for each amazing child ([e-mail]). If you could like to have Pascale prepare a personalized dedication page for your child please feel free to contact her.

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Dedication

I began writing this book in my mind while I was pregnant with my exceptional, beautiful, competent, loving, sensitive, empathetic, spiritual, forgiving, and profoundly precious daughter. I dedicate this work to her. With my many faults and imperfections, I often cannot believe that God chose me to parent this child. What a gift, awesome privilege, and responsibility! From the moment she was conceived I knew I was blessed, and from the moment our eyes first met I ferociously and unquestionably loved her. How lucky I have been to have her in my life!

As I write this dedication, I want my daughter to know how truly and genuinely she is loved and how remarkable and miraculous she is and will always be to me, her dad, so many other dear friends, and especially her heavenly Father. My love for her is for keeps—it is unconditional and will never end. My prayer and fervent wish is that she will know that my heart is forever devoted to her and that her own ability to love will grow and blossom as she focuses her own eyes on Jesus Christ and living out the life He has already planned for her. I hope and pray that someday, at some time the words on these pages will improve, empower, and nurture her life and future members of her family and her family’s family.

These legacy letters are also sincerely dedicated to parents and children everywhere, as well as to the many would-be guardians who stand ready to love and care for children should a catastrophe occur. I hope that anyone who picks up this book will choose to dedicate time to reflect on it, answer the questions found within it, identify other questions and wisdom they have to share, impart their own special life testimonies, be inspired to create new memories with loved ones, and use this resource as a thought-provoking tool to instill even greater love, understanding, faith, illumination, and thankfulness within their own precious families. I hope that a journey through this book will give you new vision and insight, transform your parenting, embrace truth and encouragement in your life, provide a sense of greater harmony and balance, and grow your faith. Parenting is a selfless and courageous pursuit. It requires nurturing your inner wisdom, awakening the soul, growing one’s faith, shining your life into others, and seeking congruence and transparency. I challenge you to use these suggestions and ideas as a catalyst to be there, in this moment, for your child. I know that I will always strive to be and desire for these pages to remind me and others to unwrap anew every morning the present, that is, the present of parenthood. My deepest wish is that making this information available for parents will shed more light and life into their families and relationships. Through this journey I pray that sharing your positive and uplifting words of wisdom, affirmation, and beautiful influence will begin a new tradition and create an amazing and profound gift to and impact upon each child and many coming generations!

A Few Heartfelt Words to My Readers

Letters to My Child’s Guardian represents my heartfelt desire to better inform parents about the guardianship choices they are making and to encourage them to make these decisions deliberately. Ideally, this book will provide my parent and attorney insight into this essential guardianship decision and help launch your thought processes and give them flight. I hope that this book will unleash and enrich extraordinary parent-child relationships, create a baseline for many practical discussions, encourage every parent to reserve time each day to talk with his or her child, and urge every child’s biological or legal guardian into action to fulfill unique parenting goals and aspirations.

This resource will educate your child’s potential guardian about your awesome child so that if a catastrophe occurs, not all of your child’s familiar routines and relationships will disappear in the chaos. It will also provide an avenue for you to tell your incredibly special child about how you feel, what you believe, how you chose to parent him or her, and how much you truly and uniquely love him or her.

Letters is a work in progress. As in the parenting journey, a person who goes through the writing process evolves his or her ideas, learns new things, experiences with new eyes, comes to understand his or her imperfections, and never feels completely finished with the task. If you are already wondering how you will ever find time to work through your own Letters, try some tricks that prolific writers use. First, copy batches of questions from this book onto note cards or scraps of paper. Place them around the house and clip a pen to them. Alternatively, you could put them in a wide souvenir mug with a special pen and place those around house (with the understanding that no one else touches that pen). As you pass a mug, glance at one of the note cards. You can think about it while doing housework or other tasks, and then return to jot down enough notes to capture your basic thoughts. If you are a smart phone whiz, use it to record thoughts as they arise, and then transfer your thoughts into this book later. The point is to start thinking about each question and capture those thoughts while they are fresh.

It has been more than 18 years since I began this writing journey. During this time, my first priority was always my incredible daughter, Erica. When she needed me, the book went on hold. That is more than okay; that is terrific. As much as I wanted to write this book and my private letters to my daughter, I wanted more to be a part of her life—now, not later. I wanted to be there to guide her, to be with her, and simply to be wherever she needed me to be at the moment. All too often my imperfect humanity shone through, and I blundered and failed to be the kind of parent I wanted to be or perhaps that my child most needed me to be. But I never considered giving up—and I never will!

Being a parent changes you biologically, socially, emotionally, and spiritually. Like nothing else, it nurtures you and brings out the best—and sometimes the worst—in you. Parenting is rewarding and challenging beyond measure. It stretches you, teaches you to see and feel anew, and restores in your heart a vital hope for the future. Rarely will there be any days when you have idle time on your hands—and, if you are like most parents, you would not wish it to be any other way.

I hope that Letters will help you intimately relate to your own parenting and encourage you to dedicate more time and space to reflect on being the best parent you can be. Parenthood is too brief a journey. As a parent, you know that there are seldom right or wrong answers in parenting your children. Few decisions are black and white, but frequently considering this higher goal may improve your parenting decisions and your relationship with your children. Ultimately, I hope you discover (and rediscover) your wonderful capacity to be an even more terrific, intuitive, and empathetic parent; the depth and breadth of your child’s nature and personality; how to nurture your parent-child relationship; and the grace, mercy, and blessings you have received from our Lord through His gift of parenthood.

I pray that someday you will personally deliver your completed Letters filled with your undeniable wisdom, love, and sage advice to your child. In this way, your awesome and amazing child—and the many generations that will follow—will treasure your precious gift of life and relationship.

All the best,

Virginia Antipolo-Utt, aka Erica’s Mom

Author’s Acknowledgments

It is impossible to acknowledge the many friends, family, and others who encouraged me along the way while writing this book. Saying thank you to everyone who has loved, inspired, and encouraged me would double the pages in this book. It is a daunting if not impossible task to sufficiently thank all those who freely offered their parenting wisdom and profoundly impacted this work. Nevertheless, I want to try.

From my heart, I thank my dear, sweet, and incredibly supportive husband and, of course, my precious and deeply adored daughter, for whom this book was conceived and written. Thank you both for being exactly who you are and for blessing my life in infinite ways. Thank you for encouraging me to publish this book, even though I knew it would ever be complete until each parent incorporated his or her own wisdom onto its pages. Words cannot convey the thankfulness I feel. Christopher and Erica, you are my life, my breath, and my forever loves. It is amazing how God can change, reform, and restore each parent through each miraculous child’s birth at a time.

From elementary school through Duke Law School, I was mentored and inspired by incredible individuals. The relationships I have had, and still have, nurture me constantly and add unparalleled meaning to my life. These friends have given me the greatest gifts imaginable: their friendship and acceptance of me for who I am. Intuitive, forgiving, deep, and long-lasting friendships deeply bless everyone and provide fertile ground for love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faith, and thankfulness to grow. God has blessed me with so many extraordinary people in my life. I believe it is in part because He knows how much I adore, treasure, and honor the gift of true friendship. Even though my road in life at times has been harsh and unforgiving, I would endure it all again because I know God can use all things for good and he has done so in my life. I am thankful to God for all the lessons He packed into every life experience. Thank you to everyone who made such a difference in my life and supported this adventurous foray into writing. Thank you for caring and helping to make my personal dream come true and for taking part in this parenting quest.

Thank you also to my professors, pastors, teachers, clients, colleagues, peer professionals, advisors, and other parents who have played such an instrumental role in bringing this book to life. I learned much from all of you and will continue to do so. Thank you to my guardian angels, my life guides, Jordan, Matthew, Jonathan, Sebastian, and Grace, for being my own amazing blessings, angels, and guardians. During this journey I had the privilege of working with my incredible professor, Jeanetta Chrystie. Thank you, Jeanetta, for spending countless hours fine-tuning this book to make it more helpful and easier to read.

Above all, thanks and praise forever to Jesus Christ, my personal Lord and Savior, who died on the cross for me and for you and who, I believe and know, guided my steps along this journey.

When I was nine years old my mother was killed in a horrific car accident involving a huge cement truck. Upon momma’s death our family experienced another tragic loss, the separation of all of us kids. We were devastated, to say the least, by our loss and separation. Our family fell apart in so many ways and we were never the same again … an early lesson that a mother is often the glue of the family. Although I was the youngest, I did my best to keep our family connected. It helped to know where my siblings were and what they were doing, but it didn’t replace the suffering and brokenness we all felt from our huge loss and the family separation. As I’ve looked back on memories over the last 40 years a belief system grew in my heart: I knew that if I ever was to adopt a child and found they had siblings, I would adopt them all not separating them the way we had been. As I thought about my own children I also realized they should always be raised by one family if I ever perished. There is a strong bond that is formed between siblings, which no matter what, cannot be replaced by other means. My experience showed me how important a family really is, providing a support structure for proper emotional growth, a foundation if you will. When a hole is formed in a family, we must be so very careful how we fill it. I would encourage anyone picking a guardian for his or her child or looking into adoption to prayerfully consider keeping siblings intact and together. The blessings will be so profound! Who knows how we would have ended up all these 40 years later if my mother had lived. Only God knows. One thing I can be certain of is God’s hand in our lives no matter the circumstances. He promises us in Romans 8:28 that He will work all things to the good for those who love Him. Life works on us, in us, and through us. It is what we do with it that matters. —Pam Sedlak, loving sister-in-Christ and mom to four precious daughters

Section I

Beginning this Worthwhile Adventure for Your Child

All too often we do not consider the profound consequences of our action or inaction. Too often we simply procrastinate or make excuses when faced with difficult decisions. Sometimes we decide to avoid investing time and cost because it seems inconvenient or overly expensive to address the matter in the present. However, when choosing a guardian for our child, it is important for us to fully understand the magnitude of this decision, and it is equally important for us to appreciate the consequence of not making this decision. This decision, once made, deserves our frequent periodic review. We must intentionally focus on this critical decision, make informed choices, seek legal advice, and seize this moment to protect and provide for our amazing child. —Virginia Antipolo-Utt

My husband passed away suddenly when I was just 38. After a death, you feel as if your heart has been ripped out of your chest and thrown in a blender—and then someone hit the shred button. I used a sense of humor to get through a lot of difficult times, along with many, many hugs and kisses. I learned that kids would model the strongest parent. So be strong in a positive way! —Susan Campbell, loving mom of two super kids

Oh, if I only had one more hour to live, I would tell my daughter how much I love her! I would tell her to always believe in herself. I would tell her to continue to love the Lord with all her heart, because He loves her so! —Heather Montag, Valentina’s devoted mom

After our daughter was born, I remember the first conversation I had with my wife about who might best parent our infant child. Wow, that was an emotional conversation about our new baby, and we were both so filled with feelings that our tears overwhelmed us. This is such a critical decision. I’m so lucky that my wife is a lawyer and has been able to make it easy to implement our choices in this area, but I encourage every parent to face this decision immediately and frequently. It will give you a lot of peace of mind, and it is such an important decision to make. —Chris Utt, Erica’s beloved Daddio

When Kira was five, I wanted her to dress up for her first day of school. Kira objected. She authoritatively told me that she didn’t want to dress up; she just wanted to be her regular self on the first day so her new friends would get to know her real self, not someone pretending to be someone else. Our kids often know better than we do about how to be authentic, real, and natural. No make-up, no fancy clothes, no plastic surgery, just our wonderful kids. —Erika Olsen, Kira’s loving mom

Every child and parent have a book in which their lives are being written. For our kids, the chapters of the book are being revealed moment by moment. For us as parents, many of these chapters have been completed, and many are yet to come. Some life chapters are pretty scary, while others astound our imaginations. Our parenting wisdom is derived from a compilation of many other parents’ books of life and our collective community and family histories. So let’s share and give of ourselves to our kids by authoring this book. —Virginia Antipolo-Utt

Chapter 1

Read Me: Important Instructions about How to Use this Book

Pay close attention, friend, to what your father tells you; never forget what you learned at your mother’s knee. Wear their counsel like flowers in your hair, like rings on your fingers.

Proverbs 1:8-9 MSG

If the unthinkable happened and you were killed today, who would take care of your precious child? Have you considered the endless list of parenting issues, hopes, dreams, and desires that concern your child and your child’s chosen guardian? Does the person you selected to serve as your child’s guardian know your child’s friends, family members, and family traditions? Does this guardian know your child’s health history and special needs? Will this person be able to maintain every aspect of your child’s life, memories, and special routines?

As an estate planning attorney since 1984, I have toiled with many parents over the decision of whom to name as their child’s guardian. Tragically, a few of my clients were unable to overcome the conflict and confusion this multi-faceted decision created before they died. I believe this difficult decision may have even kept some parents from seeking legal advice to develop their estate plan.

If you are wrestling with this decision and fail to pick a guardian before your death, there are some potential results that you need to consider.

First, your child and family members will likely spend an inordinate amount of time and resources on sorting through this issue, and they may struggle as they seek to determine your wishes without your guidance.

Second, in the aftermath of a disaster, your child will be uprooted, grief-stricken, and unsure of how to proceed. You can minimize this uncertainty by designating a guardian who is able and willing to step in and immediately comfort your child.

Third, if you fail to select a chosen guardian, your child may question or doubt whomever is ultimately appointed. The potential opportunity to cement a bond from the inception of the relationship will have been missed.

Fourth, if you are part of a nontraditional or blended family, it is even more critical to designate a guardian for your child because of the complicated entanglements often present in these situations. Single or widowed parents may need to complete additional planning.

Fifth, your relatives may become embroiled in lawsuits or mudslinging as they seek to determine who will take custody of your child. This litigation is costly and may take months or even years to resolve. Depending on the size of your estate, financial circumstances could play a role in a family member’s decision to seek or not to seek guardianship over your child. During this process, your child will bear the full weight of this conflict and uncertainty.

Sixth, and most important, if you fail to designate a guardian before your death, your child may unnecessarily be thrust into a chasm of many unknowns; his or her health needs may be compromised because of lack of knowledge or sensitivity; and lengthy explanations or inaccurate assumptions may result from your silence. Without your planning and follow-through, your child may end up being raised by an individual who would have been your last choice as his or her guardian. Inaction or indecisiveness on your part could have severe consequences for your child’s entire life.

Many parents are young widows and widowers who have suddenly been thrust into the position of having to carry on as single parents with minor children. It is extraordinarily difficult for these surviving parents to wrestle with their own grief and loss while striving to raise children without their partners’ counsel. In this heart-wrenching situation, being able to seek guidance from a deceased parent could afford some measure of comfort to family survivors. For this reason, advice and counsel from both parents is indispensable when completing Letters!

Naming Your Child’s Guardian in Your Estate Plan Is Just the Beginning

If you have been able to select a primary guardian for your child, you have taken an important and momentous first step. However, once you have selected a guardian for your child and included him or her in your estate plan,¹ what does this really mean as a practical matter? Naming this person in your estate plan is only a beginning point to help you consider who would best parent your child if you could not (see chapter 8).

In your estate plan, it is important to name a guardian and an alternate guardian. Did you know, however, that in spite of your best efforts to develop a comprehensive plan and select an appropriate and loving guardian, the court might actually appoint a different guardian for your child? This can occur if your chosen guardian dies, becomes disabled, or proves unsuitable, unable, or unwilling to serve as guardian. It can also occur if the court determines that your chosen guardian would not serve the best interests of your child or if he or she fails to meet the statutory requirements to serve as your child’s guardian. As a parent, you will want to frequently review the guardian you have selected to raise your child and nurture the personal relationship between your child and the potential guardian. By vigilantly and diligently pursuing these two steps, you will do much to assure yourself that your selected guardian is the right person for this incredible and awesome task—and that a court will agree with your decision.

So let us assume you have tackled the difficult decision of selecting a guardian and established an estate plan for your child. Now what? I always recommend that my clients personally discuss their guardianship plans with their chosen guardian and alternate guardian choices. It is essential to have this discussion and obtain the prospective guardian’s consent before naming him or her. Ask your guardian to give this matter serious consideration and to feel free to decline without explanation. Obtaining a positive acknowledgement from the person and discussing any potential questions he or she might have could avoid a surprise declination to serve at a later date.

Once you have selected your child’s guardian and signed a new will, these discussions should not end. In fact, this should be just the starting point for further sharing and more parenting discussions. There are several other important reasons to dedicate yourself to having these discussions with your child’s prospective guardian.

First, these discussions will arm your chosen guardian with enough information to understand, deeply appreciate, and nurture your child. Your child’s guardian is charged with serving the best interests of your child. Without this ongoing dialogue, how will he or she (or the court) know what is in your child’s best interests from your perspective? How will your guardian really know your child at all? It is up to you to clearly communicate your views about what you consider to be in your child’s unique and special interests. This type of information will be appreciated if you die prematurely. Do you want to leave disjointed shreds and bits of information for your child, or would you prefer to provide a dedicated journal that includes important information?

Second, these discussions will either confirm that you have chosen the right person to serve as your child’s guardian or solidify your doubts about your selection. A concerned guardian will usually appreciate your input. A loving guardian will want (and crave) more information about your child and will welcome the opportunity to discuss your parenting wishes. No doubt, you have selected your guardian precisely because of his or her involvement and relationship with your child and his or her importance in your child’s life. Given this, if your chosen guardian does not welcome such discussions or have time for them, perhaps you should reconsider your selection.

Third, these discussions will help your guardian develop insight, intuition, and a frame of reference with regard to your child. He or she will gain a better understanding of your parenting priorities and what you view to be in your child’s best interests. Over time, these discussions will also give you an opportunity to reflect on your own parenting, refine what is most important to you, identify what has and has not worked in the past, and share parenting in the trenches with another loving person who can make it possible for you to become a better parent. It is during the moments when you are still and shut out the din and chaos of everyday life—when you plan and contemplate—that you intuit best and refocus yourself on being the best parent possible. You will be surprised at how much you actually know when you give yourself the time and space to dwell on your children and reflect on what most helps them to blossom.

Preferably, these discussions should happen long before you appoint anyone as a guardian for your child. Ideally, these discussions should occur frequently to address the changing needs of your child and to cover the range of critical and helpful information your guardian needs. There are hazards and limitations if you rely solely on verbal discussions to provide for your child’s future. One weakness is the possibility that the person with whom you discuss guardianship matters may not actually be appointed as your child’s guardian. As a result, not all of your valuable insights and advice will be transferred. Haphazard or casual conversations often lack sufficient detail to fully describe your parenting preferences, or they may be taken out of context, misunderstood, or prematurely interrupted. In addition, what if your child’s potential guardian innocently forgets or inaccurately recalls your advice?

Time, distance, and family constraints often interfere with your best efforts to arrange substantial and continuing discussions with your selected guardian. For this reason, it is best to find a more concrete way to communicate your intentions so they will endure regardless of how frequently you engage in discussions with your child’s potential guardian.

Thus, while discussions are helpful, they are not a sufficient or trustworthy means to give all the desired information to a child’s potential guardian, and they do not create a reliable or complete record of your advice. For this reason, if possible you and your guardian should keep a complete and up-to-date written record of this shared information so that necessary information is not forgotten or lost. Both your child’s guardian and your child will appreciate a more permanent record of your well-considered advice.

Creating a more tangible record in your precious handwriting will also create a meaningful memory and keepsake for your child. This record, which is both spontaneous and well-planned, has the capacity to communicate valuable and meaningful information to your child now and for years to come.

Many parents use their will, trust, or estate plan as the primary or exclusive vehicle to communicate their directives to their chosen guardian. For example, an estate plan likely includes instructions to create a trust to hold assets that will provide for their child’s health, education, support, and maintenance. Most individuals rely exclusively on this plain-vanilla language in a common will to communicate their parental wishes and desires. But what do these terms mean from your perspective? While these terms legally and statutorily encompass an extremely broad array of purposes and potential actions, they can never intuit how you would handle day-to-day parenting dilemmas and decisions. As a parent, you may wish to flesh out and illustrate to your child and child’s guardian exactly how you would personally like to see these terms applied on behalf of your beloved child.

For instance, your estate plan may instruct your trustee to provide principal payments to your child’s guardian for his or her health, education, support, and maintenance. But how specifically would you like to see your trustee interpret these words with regard to your child? While these terms provide prudent and legally appropriate guidance about the general types of expenses that could be paid from the trust, what do these words mean from your perspective to your guardian or trustee when estate or trust distributions are made to meet your child’s specific needs? For example, does your definition of education include:

• K-12 education at a public, private, or religious school?

• College and/or graduate school?

• Extracurricular activities, such as foreign travel, music, missions, dance, and sports?

Not only is a generic reference to education difficult to interpret (without your guidance), but also your definition of education may change over time and will likely be different for each child. While it is important to be able to rely on your chosen guardian to have the good sense to interpret your intentions, he or she will more likely be able to do this if you provide additional guidance about these preferences in Letters.

It is important to give your guardian personal information about your child’s development. Every child is different, and you want your child’s differences to be respected and applauded, not pigeon-holed, repressed, or ignored. For example, some children learn best through visual means, others prefer verbal communication, and still others favor concrete, abstract, random, or sequential learning. As parents we nurture, discipline, and encourage our children differently than other parents. Presumably, you will want your child’s chosen guardian to do the same. Keep in mind, too, that if it becomes necessary to name a guardian for your child, many other circumstances in your child’s life (and in your child’s guardian’s life) will change as well. Thus, any insight and advice during this tumultuous and grief-stricken time is invaluable.

Although it is essential to complete your personal estate planning documents, it is important to remember that your formal estate plan will not be the most appropriate place to include this level of detailed information about your child. Some of the reasons for this include:

• The information about your child is constantly changing.

• Estate planning documents are inconvenient to change because of the required statutory formality to witness and/or notarize such documents.

• Wills are typically open to public inspection through the probate process, and you may not want to share such deeply personal information with anyone except your chosen guardian.

• From a legal drafting perspective, it is best to include flexible and broad powers in your estate plan rather than overly specific instructions that may prove inflexible, exclusive, or inapplicable to a future circumstance.

• It is generally impractical, costly, and cumbersome to update your estate planning documents every year to incorporate up-to-date information.

• Your estate plan is legally enforceable, while your Letters simply provide guidance that is not intended to be legally enforceable. By definition, this guidance illustrates how you might approach a matter. Because of the different purposes between your legally enforceable estate plan and your instructive parenting advice and wishes contained in Letters, these documents should be separate. It is recommended, however that you coordinate these separate documents.

As an estate planning attorney, I have counseled hundreds of clients and written many legally focused and tax-oriented estate plans, wills, and trusts. It is always my intention to thoroughly review every legal option with my clients so they can make educated decisions. It is often impractical from a time and cost standpoint to spend the hours of time required to record every client’s parenting advice, wishes, and dreams for their children during an attorney client conference. However, you can independently take this additional step and carefully consider how you want to dovetail your legally enforceable estate plan with your supplemental wishes to provide for your child’s needs.

Another hurdle that many young families encounter—and a vital element to consider when drafting an estate plan—is that it is not necessary to wait until you have accumulated a substantial financial estate to prepare a will or trust to provide for minor children. In my experience, too many parents of young children fail to take this step because they either view estate planning as essential only for somewhat wealthy people or because they believe they do not have sufficient time or resources to take these steps. Regrettably, these parents’ failure to take the time to plan and understand options relating to this important matter can result in significant confusion, unnecessary expenditures, court delays in the future, or unintended further anguish for their surviving minor children.

As noted above, most estate plans need to be flexible in order to anticipate a variety of circumstances that may or may not arise over a period of many years. Therefore, it is important for your estate plan to provide relatively broad guidance, because you cannot anticipate and provide for every situation. In fact, from a legal drafting perspective, trying to address every anticipated contingency can backfire, because including a specific list of potential circumstances to address a matter is commonly legally construed as an exclusive list of relevant considerations or permissible actions. Thus, by including such a detailed list of situations in an estate plan, you may unintentionally omit important situations or limit the scope and flexibility of your estate plan. Because it is impossible to fully anticipate and describe every future circumstance that may arise during your child’s upbringing, it is usually a good idea to include a brief list of examples with permissible distribution goals and empower your trustee with significant discretion to discern when distributions may be made that are consistent with your general purposes, priorities, and advice.

In summary, because your estate plan is legally enforceable, it should usually permit the trustee to liberally exercise discretion after considering all current facts and circumstances. It is almost impossible to predict all of your child’s future needs and desires. For this reason, it is usually best not to attempt to address every circumstance or to include detailed information in your formal estate plan, because such provisions may be rigidly construed, interpreted as required methods to address particular situations, or deemed legally enforceable when you may have only intended to provide helpful guidance to your guardian or trustee. Flexibility and periodic reviews and updates are essential keys to having a well-written and monitored estate plan.

Given the range of possibilities that might affect appointing your child’s guardian, the imperfect communication methods described above, and the limitations of the common will and estate plan, completing your own heartfelt Letters for your child will help to fill this information gap and effectively communicate up-to-date personal parenting preferences and information about your unique and precious child to any guardian you designate for your child.

Make Time Now for this Important Decision

Many parents do not have sufficient time in their day to handle all the mundane parenting tasks and demands. Even under the best of circumstances, parents with young children often simply do not have the time for such matters. How then can parents find time to organize, collect, record, discuss, and evaluate the countless issues related to the unthinkable and undesirable possibility that they will not live to see their child grow into an adult?

I wrote Letters to help parents accomplish this daunting task in a manner that conforms to their time constraints and busy schedules. Ideally, I hope that completing these Letters will encourage each parent to dedicate time and contemplate how to be the best parent he or she can be. Letters can stimulate ongoing and helpful discussions between parents about the parenting of their child, between parents and their selected guardian, and between parents and their children.

To address the needs of your maturing child and communicate to your child and his or her potential guardian, I recommend that you prepare your own version of Letters to your child’s potential guardians. Ideally, both parents will contribute to the wisdom contained in each child’s Letters journal. In addition, creating your own version of Letters will help you develop an extensive resource of information about your child, identify many hopes and dreams for your child, preserve some routine and normalcy in your child’s life in the event of a disaster, and provide your parenting insight, wisdom, values, and advice to your child and your child’s potential guardian. Again, the purpose of Letters is not to create a legally binding document but to communicate your core wishes, concerns, and desires to potential guardians and, ultimately, to your child. As you create your Letters, I recommend including candid and thorough reflections about the following topics:

• Important family and friend relationships

• Family traditions, special memories, and momentous occasions

• Health history of child and family members

• Educational goals and preferences

• Faith and spiritual matters

• Extracurricular activities

• Work, money, savings, investments, and professional endeavors

• Coordination between your child’s guardian and your estate planning documents (such as with the trustee of the trust you created for your child)

• Advice and encouragement on how to help your child cope with death, grief, and the many life challenges he or she may face

• Special experiences and memories you want to preserve for your child

• Messages, parental preferences, life lessons, and other topics you consider important and appropriate

You want your Letters to educate your guardian about your exceptional child. By reading your Letters, your child’s guardian should be able to reap the following benefits:

• Come to better know, understand, and love your child

• Become aware of important relationships in your child’s life

• Seek solace in your parenting advice during tough-love times

• Be able to access vital health and other necessary information to proactively and promptly protect and nurture your child

Keep in mind that as your child grows and changes, so should your Letters. For this reason, you will want to keep your Letters handy for quick additions. You may want to store a copy of your Letters by your bedside, in the kitchen, or at your desk. Also consider keeping a notepad, iPad, or smart phone nearby so that you can quickly jot down or record ideas you want to address later in greater detail in your Letters. It is also a good idea to set a regular date on your calendar to review and update your Letters (for example, once a month). Whatever you do, make a commitment to start and finish this critical information! Establish a plan to complete your Letters that will work within your time and scheduling commitments.

Consider dating your entries as you write in a Letters journal for each child, as sometimes it is interesting to know what you were thinking at a particular time in your life. Be conscious that like parenting, both quality and quantity of time is needed for you to relate this information. Over time, the constant thread you will find yourself communicating to your child might surprise you. Your writings might reveal the evolution of your thoughts, praise, and love for your child. However, what you choose to write is less important than your consistent, dedicated, and faithful decision to write and share yourself.

I sincerely hope that your child’s guardian will never need your Letters as a result of any casualty and that your Letters will instead become an important tool, special memory, and cherished life map and influence as your child navigates life and parents his or her own incredible children.

This Awesome Parenting Journey and Privilege

As parents, I believe that we are extraordinarily blessed to be our children’s mommies and daddies. I am sometimes overwhelmed by (and yet always grateful for) this unique and awesome parenting privilege. I am constantly surprised and delighted by the collective and innate wisdom that parents have and want to share with their children and others. I know we must guard against allowing our frequently harried lives and the cacophony of life’s demands to steal precious time and energy away from us in this endeavor. There is no more fiercely protective and loving relationship than that of a parent and a child. After all, who else but a child could inspire and evoke such extreme emotions that we shed tears of joy one moment and engage in mortal combat to protect our offspring the next? It is my hope that these innate instincts to parent and protect our children will shine as we complete our own Letters to our precious children.

Like all parents, I aspire to be the best parent I can be. This takes work. I also want to see my daughter grow into the special person that only she can be. I want her to learn about life, herself, relationships, disappointments and how to be resilient, faith-filled, and joyful through it all. This takes planning and consistency. I want to parent my daughter, love her as only I can, and guide her steps during this all-too-brief time I have been given to watch over and shepherd her path into adulthood. This takes patience, undying love, and the discipline to say no.

I believe that recording your thoughts, prayers, wishes, and aspirations in this resource will further promote your ability to hone and fulfill these wonderful protective parenting skills and instincts. Ultimately, I hope that this exercise will make you just a little better at this wonderfully confounding and remarkable parenthood journey. This will require your most limited commodity: time. By writing your own Letters to your incredible child and his or her potential guardian, I trust that you can and will use your best efforts to love and parent your child in this precious moment of time—and even later if a disaster prevents you from doing so in person. So let’s get started!

Legal Disclaimer and Statement of Wishes

(Note: You will need to review the following information and sign where indicated below to provide guidance about your intentions to your child’s guardian, child, and others.)

It is common for many people who complete estate planning documents to also create an accompanying non-legally binding statement of their wishes or intentions. Any such statement of wishes is not legally enforceable, nor is it intended to be legally enforceable. To this end, by completing any part of this book, you expressly agree, consent, and acknowledge that your intentions regarding all such statements shall be guidance of a hypothetical or illustrative nature rather than of an obligatory, legally binding, or mandatory character. You also confirm your intention and independent obligation to obtain legal advice tailored to your circumstances in order to complete an effective, enforceable, and appropriate estate plan and guardianship designation.

There is no substitute for competent and individually tailored legal advice to address your family’s unique concerns and estate planning needs. All legal advice you receive requires individual information and must be coordinated with applicable laws. Your estate planning decisions will benefit from periodic review and subsequent guidance to determine whether facts, laws, or family circumstances have changed that require an update to your estate plan. With this in mind, by signing below you hereby acknowledge that all forms, legal concepts, and suggestions in this book are solely for general educational and illustrative purposes. No warranty, express or implied, is made by the author as to the use or potential legal effect of any provisions contained in this book, and no legal advice is provided or intended to be provided by the author and/or the ideas presented in this book. No attorney client relationship or engagement is created through this book and the disclaimer provisions contained at page viii shall apply in all events. As a reader, you are encouraged to seek individually tailored personal legal advice and to ask questions from your attorney based on your unique family circumstances, priorities, and applicable laws.

In conclusion, the extent to which you complete this book and the level of detail included are matters of personal preference. No provisions completed in this book shall modify or are intended to modify your estate plan or related documents. In all situations, the terms of your established estate plan shall govern and control. To the extent that any estate plan modifications are desired, you, as the person writing in this book, agree that only your individually retained personal legal counsel can properly advise you after reviewing all relevant facts and circumstances and applicable laws on how to best implement desired changes. You agree to proactively seek out individual legal counsel to pursue any and all modifications, individually tailored advice or counsel, and professional services to prepare, complete, revise, or update your estate planning documents.

The above disclaimer statements are confirmed, understood, and acknowledged by:

Signature:                                                         Date:

Printed Name:

Signature:                                                         Date:

Printed Name:

Notes, Questions & Follow-through

Recognize that your opinion matters tremendously in any guardianship proceeding. Express yourself fully, yet as succinctly as possible. Share the big picture and necessary details. Understand that the absence of knowledge in this context can harm your child. Avoid defamatory remarks, but inform the court about essential considerations. Revisit and update your observations. Be candid and keenly focus on the ultimate goal to protect and provide for your incredible child. Recognize the significance and value of competent and compassionate legal counsel to help you and your kids navigate the process. Never underestimate the worth of this advice—search it out and follow it when you receive it. —Virginia Antipolo-Utt

Don’t ever lose sight of or focus on what is most important as a parent or for your children! —Brenda Baltrusch, exceptional career trust officer

You know you’re all grown up when you stop thinking about yourself and your kids become your highest priority in life. —Christine Weatherby, loving mom, stepmom, and grandma

Be an example to your children through your words and actions and the choices you make. Talk with them about why you are making those decisions. —Karolyn Beierly, loving mom and awesome dental hygienist

As a kid, I was surrounded by family. Not only did we have five kids in our family, but we had grandparents, cousins, second cousins, aunts, and uncles who were a frequent and integral part of our lives. I have so many great memories fishing, attending sports events, and just horsing around with my relatives and friends. I believe that by being a part of this extended family, I was supported, grounded, disciplined, and tutored in important and wonderful ways. Remember that even if you aren’t fortunate enough to have a great extended family, you can build your own from scratch through the friends and relationships you nurture. —Chris Utt, compassionate and fun-loving dad and husband

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. —Jeremiah 29:13, NIV

Chapter 2

Where to Start: Selecting Your Child’s Guardian

In your heart you plan your life. But the Lord decides where your steps will take you.

Proverbs 16:9, NIRV

As parents, each of us must face the question of whom we want to serve as our child’s guardian in the event of a disaster. For some parents the answer is easy, while for others the dilemma reveals irreconcilable differences in addition to great angst, worry, and indecision. Difficult decisions are tough to face. However, because sometimes baby steps enable us to face these otherwise daunting tasks, we can start with them. While in this chapter I do not pretend to make a genuinely difficult and critical decision simple or easy, I encourage you to use this information to help guide your essential decision. Regardless of your circumstances, the choice about who might best be designated to parent your child in the event of your death (or incapacity) warrants your careful consideration. Avoiding or procrastinating will not make this decision any easier, and you will risk losing your opportunity to choose for your child.

So, rather than delay this decision or put it off until a time when a health crisis brings you face-to-face with the urgent need to make a guardian choice (and simultaneously make other urgent choices), spend some time now to thoughtfully and seriously consider how you would answer several what if guardianship, custody, personal care, and other questions about your child. Also consider the potential consequences