Speak to Your Children: 79 Handy Conversations to Help You Raise Dynamic Catholic Leaders on Truth and Life Issues for a Better World. It Grows with Your Children.

By Mary Lee Dey

Speak to Your Children brims with useful information and short conversations to help you teach youth about life issues vs. the secular culture that strengthens faith for them and the whole family. It is for all ages. It grows with your children. You will make them leaders.

Do you wish you could have more time for conversations with your children, especially on truth and life issues? Do you wish you could show them how to make responsible decisions? Do you want them to really know and love God? Do you think your children will learn it all in Catechism class? You’ll never know unless you reinforce it yourself. Catholic parents will find comfort in this parenting book when they discover how easy it is to converse and work with their children. For those under five, the conversations are about love and discipline; for older children, the discussions are on faith and respect; and for teens, the focus is on decision-making and defending faith and life, and on rejecting peer pressure, drugs, alcohol, sexual abuse, depression, violence, and much more. In short (sometimes five-minute) sessions, families, even dysfunctional ones, come together to be strongly pro-life and pro-Catholic. These seeds of goodness and leadership can be planted in one-on-one talks or in “Family Fun Time” activities.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Dec 20, 2018
• ISBN: 9781532061226

Mary Lee Dey

Mary Lee Dey is certified in Catholic Family Life. She teaches for Natural Family Planning, Int. and served as Crisis Pregnancy Director and as counselor. Her publications appeared in Southern Nebraska Register, Lay Witness magazine, and others. She has given parent sessions in churches with her books for ten years during CCD Classes. She has also developed and taught the “Joys of Parenting” sessions at a homeless center. The book is also in Spanish as Hable con sus Hijos. She speaks on family issues.

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Copyright © 2018 Mary Lee Dey.

Cover © 2018

Cover illustration by Sarah Vaughn

Chapter illustrations by Mary Lee Dey

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Scripture quotations marked RSV are taken from the Revised Standard Version of the Bible, copyright © 1946, 1952, 1971 by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the USA. Used by permission.

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ISBN: 978-1-5320-6121-9 (sc)

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Library of Congress Control Number: 2018912942

iUniverse rev. date: 12/16/2019

Speak to Your Children

79 Handy Conversations to Help You Raise Dynamic Catholic Leaders on Truth and Life Issues for a Better World. It Grows With Your Children.

First Edition:

NIHIL OBSTAT:

Very Reverend John T. Folda

Censor Liborum

IMPRIMATUR

Most Reverend Fabien W. Bruskewitz

Bishop of Lincoln

March 25, 2004

Rescript

In accord with canon 824 of the 1983 Code of Canon Law, I hereby grant my approval to publish the book Speak to Your Children, as well as its accompanying Spanish edition of Hable con sus Hijos and the Joys of Parenting Parent Sessions booklet, and Spanish version as Las Alegrías de Ser Padres de Familia Sesiones para los Padres de Familia authored by Mary Lee Dey.

Second Edition

NIHIL OBSTAT:

Kathleen M. Hahn

Chancellor of the Diocese of Grand Island

Censor Liborum

IMPRIMATUR

Most Reverend Joseph G. Hanefeldt

Bishop of the Diocese of Grand Island

May 19, 2017

The NIHIL OBSTAT and IMPRIMATUR are official declarations that a book or pamphlet is free from doctrinal or moral error. No implication is contained therein that those who have granted the NIHIL OBSTAT and IMPRIMATUR agree with the contents, opinions, or statements expressed.

Grateful acknowledgement is made for the use of the following material:

The Catholic Edition of the Revised Standard Version of the Bible, copyright 1965, 1966 by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

English translation of the Catechism of the Catholic Church for the United States of America copyright © 1994, United States Catholic Conference, Inc.—Libreria Editrice Vaticana. English translation of the Catechism of the Catholic Church: Modifications from the Editio Typica copyright © 1997, United States Catholic Conference, Inc.—Libreria Editrice Vaticana. Used with permission.

This book is hereby dedicated to Jesus, His Blessed Mother, Mary, and Saint Joseph for the preservation of the family.

Acknowledgments

With gratitude to God for parents George and Frances Tvrdy;

Children and their spouses Joe, Mary Clare, Tim, Jean,

Jim, Kim, Mike, Kathy, and their families;

And especially husband Darrell

And to God’s other angels:

Mary Elizabeth Anderson; Mary and Theresa Tvrdy;

Julie and Gary Hatfield; Jeanne Schutte;

Neda Simonds; JoAnne Shafer;

Vivian Dudro, editorial assistant at Ignatius Press;

Judie Brown, president and Camille Murphy

of American Life League;

Stephen Koob, editor at One More Soul;

Sister Isabel Sandino;

John and Sheila Kippley, Natural Family Planning International;

and Father Thomas Kuffel

Glory and praise to the One who makes it happen.

Reviews

Overall, you have a very good resource for parents. I am sure that parents who use this with their children will be doing a favor for themselves as well as their children.

—John F. Kippley

Co-Founder of Natural Family Planning International

Cincinnati, OH

When you read Speak to Your Children, participate in it, be active, and assimilate it. Invite God to be present in this process so important for parents and children. The results will be the empowerment of children to become Leaders!

—Sr. Isabel Sandino, O. Cam.

Diocese of Grand Island, NE

It gives good facts and develops a line of communication between parents and children. It has worksheets and questions that lead to in-depth discussions on the issues at hand. … I truly believe that if parents take time and effort to implement [these] thoughts, it would enhance their knowledge of the faith and the application of it. … It brings faith down to immediate and current problems offering good solutions and points of discussion.

—Father Thomas P. Kuffel

Diocese of Lincoln, NE

Unsure how to teach your children morality and responsibility? Mary Lee Dey has written a book filled with wisdom and practical advice that takes you step by step through every aspect of raising happy, holy, and responsible children. Not only will parents who use this book find that their children grow in responsibility and morality, but they will also find family members deepening their affection toward one another, which in turn produces peace and harmony in the family. I urge you to read Speak to Your Children.

—Mary Ann Budnik, author

Raise Happy Children Series

In writing her book Speak to Your Children, author Mary Lee Dey draws upon her vast experience of serving others and her supreme knowledge of the Catholic Faith. The result is a book full of wisdom, complete with practical exercises to apply what is learned. I highly recommend this book.

—Mike Dycus, director

Central Nebraskans United For Life

Speak to Your Children is outstanding and would be a great parenting aid. I am recommending it to all my grandchildren who are now starting their families.

—Josephine Shafer

Mother, Grandmother, and

Great Grandmother

Speak to Your Children shares 79 things all kids need to know. [Mary Dey’s] book can help prepare our children to be the next pro-life leaders.

—Beth Small

Central Nebraskans United For Life,

The Advocate

Hastings, NE

Talking to children about topics such as peer pressure, religion, drug abuse and sex isn’t always easy, but local author Mary Dey is here to help.

—Sarah Schultz

The Grand Island Independent,

Grand Island, Nebraska

Parents may use these talks as a tool for opening the doors of conversations with children.

—West Nebraska Register

Diocese Grand Island, NE

Parents have an awesome responsibility as the primary educators of their children. As in the parable of the sower (Luke 8:4-8), we want to provide that rich soil that enables our children to persevere in holiness toward Catholic adulthood…The lengthy chapter on sexuality is surely the most important because parents who want to instill traditional Christian morality are up against most of modern society.

—Lisa Cushnie

Couple to Couple League

Family Foundations Magazine, Cincinnati, OH

Speak to Your Children addresses the issues you need to address, but sometimes fear to address, with your children offering useful information and tips from the perspective of an experienced Catholic mother. This is a serious book for serious parents.

—David C. Reardon, Ph.D., director,

Elliot Institute

Author of Making Abortion Rare

It is often said children do not come with an instruction manual. Having an instructional blueprint of priorities to teach children and how to approach those topics is as close to a manual as possible. Even though our children are in the toddler years and younger we find in Speak to Your Children a foundation to lay for our kids—yes, even before they come into existence–because we can apply these priorities to our family life. Raising them to be God-loving people who are self-sacrificing for others begins before they can have a vocal conversation. It is an ongoing conversation that begins with the parents’ example and the environment the children are brought up in. Speak to Your Children lays out the important topics that, when implanted in our own hearts, can plant the seed in children from the earliest age. It will help us draw them to that which their hearts innately long for all their lives: all that is True, Good and Beautiful.

—Brandi Marciniak

Wife and Mother of two infants

Contents

Foreword I

Foreword II

Foreword III

Letter To Parents (And Future Parents)

Introduction

Chapter I Cultivate Love And Self-Worth

God’s Love

1. Reflect on God’s love

2. Invigorate love for God

Pray to and love God

Practice self-denial

Serve God and neighbor

Love and Respect Within the Family

3. Give unconditional love

4. Help children to know and love themselves

Listening

Correcting

Affirming

5. Nurture positive relationships among siblings

6. Find private, peaceful places for children

Work, Determination, and Goals

7. Assign age-appropriate chores

8. Talk about social skills

9. Discuss self-consciousness

10. Put sports into perspective

11. Set goals

Chapter II Care And Discipline

Beginning Discipline

12. Childproof the home

13. Use diversions

14. Needs of small children

Discipline Ages Three to Five

15. Give enough attention

16. Use alternatives

17. Time out and communication versus spanking

Discipline for Older Children

18. Set limits

19. Communicate with pre-teens

20. Grant and withdraw privileges

Guide Teens

21. Teens discover themselves

22. Make responsible decisions

23. Deal with rebellion

24. Allow teens fortitude

Chapter III Identify And Resist Negative Influences

Positive Versus Negative Peer Pressure

25. Avoid SCARE tactics

26. Build positive friendships

Positive Versus Negative Entertainment

27. Form criteria

28. Set guidelines

29. Provide enriching alternatives

Find Jesus

30. Understand Peace

31. Seek strength in rosary and other prayer

Joyful Mysteries

Sorrowful Mysteries

Glorious Mysteries

Luminous Mysteries

32. Embrace sacramental life

33. Gain courage

Chapter IV Discuss Substance Abuse

Substance Abuse and Prevention

34. Learn facts about alcohol

35. Learn effects of addictions

36. Acquire the virtue of temperance

37. Teaching moments

38. SCARE and substance abuse

39. Set example at home

40. Find alternatives

Addiction

41. Use caution

42. Find help

Stage one: Curiosity

Stage two: Abuse

Stage three: Addiction

Chapter V Discuss Sexuality And More

True Love

43. Gift of Self

44. Vocation of Marriage

45. Vocations of Priesthood and Religious Life

Chastity

46. Meaning of freedom

47. Advantages of chastity

48. Prevent fornication

49. Protect oneself from abuse

50. Discuss abuse and SCARE

51. Discuss pornography

52. Discuss child-protection

53. Stop sexually transmitted diseases

Marriage and Courtship

54. Understand marriage relationship

55. Set dating guidelines

Build a Spiritually Wholesome Sexuality

56. Seek the faith

57. Live the faith

Natural Family Planning, Unnatural forms of Birth Control, Abortion, etc.

58. Affirm the gift of life

59. Realize beauty of natural family planning

60. Explain truth about contraception and abortifacients

61. Explain more truth about abortion

Unborn child

Effects on child

Effects on mother

Death proponents

62. Explain euthanasia

Chapter VI Avoid Violence

Depression and Suicide

63. Deal with adolescent depression

64. Reduce and manage stress

65. Deal with temporary causes of depression

66. Turn toward God

Delinquency and Gangs

67. Role of the Father (and Mother)

68. Help for families without fathers (or mothers)

69. Gangs and SCARE

Chapter VII Defend The Faith

Answer Children’s Questions about the Faith

70. Understand the third commandment

71. Understand the Church

72. Use parables

73. Convey truth and depict conflict with the acronym SCARE

74. Put our faith to work

Respect Other Faiths

75. Other Christians

76. Non-Christians

Identify Cults

77. Cults and SCARE acronym

78. Examine cults

Witchcraft

Satanism

New Age

79. Prevention

Final Letter to Parents (and Future Parents)

Appendix A: Reaching Teens

Appendix B: Games for Younger Children

Appendix C: Parent Session Classes

Appendix D: Marriage Preparation Classes

Prayers, Works of Mercy, Commandments, Beatitudes, Cardinal

Virtues & Precepts

Foreword I

Speak to Your Children is a book for adults desiring to know more about developing Judeo/Christian values in children. The author, Mary Lee Dey, is certified in Catholic Family Life Ministry, teaches natural family planning and has worked as a counselor and a director in a crisis pregnancy center. She has also been an occasional columnist for magazines.

Mrs. Dey wants parents to raise wise children, able to confront the difficulties in cotemporary society, through a grounded faith in Jesus Christ. Given the increased amount of destructive influences that can overwhelm children and families, Mrs. Dey’s book is particularly timely. The writer shows how peer pressure, drug abuse, depression and many more problems can be effectively addressed through parent/children interaction and communication. She builds a series of effective responses through the acronym SCARE. Though the name sounds ominous, it stands for: 1) Secrecy, 2) Control, 3) Addiction, 4) Ridicule and 5) Excuses and Enemies. If we really think about it, this is what sinful, destructive behavior is based on.

First, children (and adults) are helped by light and openness. Secrets trap children. Second, this behavior begins to control children. This necessarily leads to the third phase, the addicting acting out of the behavior. When children attempt to break away from the people inducing the behavior, they are frequently ridiculed. The final stage is to both make excuses for the behavior and continue doing it, or to break away. Unfortunately, breaking away will be difficult for children because the former support group will consider the children as enemies.

The author’s answer to this terrible difficulty is to develop a loving family structure based on communication and acceptance. Children will not then feel alone and so vulnerable. In the many practical exercises in this book, the reader is asked to write down solutions to modern day challenges such as drug abuse, depression and gangs. This book shows the distinct difference between a loving parental openness and the misguided parental indulgence of children. The former fosters communication and acceptance while the latter gives rise to a destructive narcissistic view of self. Mrs. Dey understands this connection and gives numerous examples from daily life to combat the problems. But a deeper strength of this book is the demonstration that while people should attack modern problems facing their children with the tools provided through education and the social sciences, true healing can be found only in deep love and reliance on Jesus Christ. This religious strength will give children the fruits of the Holy Spirit and virtues of prudence, temperance, fortitude and justice. These spiritual gifts bring true happiness to children.

I would encourage parents and adults to read this practical, useful book. While many books attempt to help parents with child rearing, they are too often based on the faulty assumption that the social sciences and psychology are to be the primary tools. Mrs. Dey. shows that while these are helpful resources, the primary healing in families comes from a faith filled life directed in the service of God and neighbor.

I hope you read this book, as it will be helpful to you when your children encounter problems in childhood and during the teen years.

Dr. Terrence Nollen

St. Gregory the Great Seminary

(and reviewed in Southern Nebraska Register)

Diocese of Lincoln, NE

Foreword II

The thought police work overtime to convince parents that they don’t understand and are not equipped to talk about sex, drugs or any number of moral subjects with their own children.

Mary Lee Dey’s handbook for parents, like a refreshing breeze on a sticky afternoon, contradicts the status quo. This book is filled with excellent information designed to assist parents in discussing particular subjects with their children. For example, Dey addresses the subject of verbal abuse, which is never acceptable from a child. She helps the parent think about ways to correct the problem. Quoting H. Stephen Glenn and Jane Nelson, Ed. D., Dey wisely recommends, The best time to discuss an angry moment is soon enough after the incident to recall the emotion, but long enough afterward to permit objectivity.

The book’s discussion of sexuality breaks everything down, reminding the parent to stick to answering only those questions which children have without bringing up unnecessary information until the parent feels the time is right to do so. She provides quizzes for parents in order to provoke a thoughtful process for planning how to approach a topic. For example, How would you explain to your teen that chastity is the gift of self to our acquaintances, it requires love and self control and it is a witness to them of God’s devotion and kindness?

The volume also addresses the dynamics of such things as gangs, drug abuse and peer pressure. Dey explains the underlying reasons that create peer pressure. She uses the acronym SCARE, which stands for secrecy, control, addiction, ridicule, excuses and enemies. These are the first signs of an attempt to manipulate. Good advice for any parent. If you are frustrated with the accepted norm in our society today–namely, that parents are stupid–then you are going to value this book more than words can say.

Judie Brown, President

American Life League

Stafford, VA

Foreword III

When I was invited to teach the class Speak to Your Children, I was sure that I was going to say No. But when I spoke to the General Coordinator of the Hispanic Ministry at Saint Mary´s Cathedral in Grand Island, NE, we just greeted each other and he placed in my hands the book Speak to Your Children.

All I had to do to change my mind was to read the contents. Speak to Your Children or Hable con sus Hijos is a book, or rather a tool, which will help you to talk to children of all ages, including those who are 90 years of age!

I think that in my 10 years as a Catholic Christian, dedicated to the Lord, I had not had such a complete and educational book. If we look at the patriarch Moses, he lived in Egypt 40 years, he lived in the desert 40 years, and it was until then that God considered him ready for his task of liberating the Jewish people from their bondage in Egypt.

Also, Paul was knocked down from his horse by a beam of light that blinded him. But it was not until 14 years later that he would start on the evangelizing task that Christ had assigned him.

By the same token, God inspired Mrs. Dey this book, who worked on it for 17 years. This way he gave the Holy Spirit all the time to inspire her to write with God´s Wisdom, reaffirming the teachings of our Holy Mother, the Catholic Church. Thanks God for evidently working through Mrs. Dey.

Jorge A. Pena T.

Husband and father of three,

Member of El Pescador Ministries,

Leader of the Spanish Speak to Your Children class

Diocese of Grand Island, NE

Letter To Parents (And Future Parents)

Sister Lucia, one of the children of Fatima, wrote in her letter, of 1981, to Cardinal Carlo Caffarra, The final battle between the Lord and the kingdom of Satan will be about marriage and the family.

This book grows with your children. The Church understands that parents are the first teachers of their children’s faith and morals. We Catholic parents do not want immoral television shows, movies, deviant groups, and secular reproductive clinics to indoctrinate our children. Yet far too often our children’s information, rather misinformation, comes from these sources. Adolescence and the teenage years need not be ill defined and intolerable; it can be a magnificent faith-filled journey. We must be thankful for what we have and pass it on for generations. That is the reason I developed this book Speak to Your Children. I wanted a succinct way to help parents have fruitful marriages and raise wise, mature children—children who understand life issues—children who can withstand negative pressures that surround them. Young people who learn the truths and skills of this book have an excellent chance of reaching adulthood with faith, integrity, and a respect for life. Through the grace of God, one young man came back to the faith because he read this book (first ed.). Another, a homeless mother, was asking for direction to find a priest. Still another stopped contracepting and wants to get married in the Church. They will pass these truths on for generations to come. Therefore, make sure that you know all of the 79 exercises so that when the time seems right you will be on tap for talking to your children, old or young. Stoves are hot, and we tell them when they are one-years-old, so why can’t we tell them what will sizzle them when they are fifteen? Then you can say, I will sing of thy steadfast love, O Lord, for ever; with my mouth I will proclaim thy faithfulness to all generations. Psalm 89:1. You may even raise a priest, deacon, nun or two.

For many years, I worked with crisis services in schools and pro-life pregnancy centers. The children I counseled differed little from the ones you or I might raise, at least in their brightness and naiveté. In many cases, however different, the children wanted to talk—to talk about abusive families, sex, drugs, runaways, depression, crime, cults, poverty, and whatever else concerned them. Unfortunately, their outlook on life usually came from the popular idea of the day, no matter how false and damaging it happened to be. They wanted change.

All children need guidance from their parents, and most parents are eager to raise knowledgeable, prudent children who can withstand the negative influences around them. I have found, however, that many parents do not know where to begin. Most parents, my husband and I included (we have four adult children and twelve grandchildren), need a little help with raising children in our increasingly anti-life and anti-faith culture.

Considering how children learn twelve years of math and English, why can’t they learn about God, love, and life (partly via this book) from us for at least as many years? Why can’t they learn better than we did? Then, they will have a strong foundation for Catholic adulthood, and we parents who had raised them well will be able to say, "I taught them all I could. Now they can make a safe and