Beliefs We Hold: . . . Can Hold Us

By B. W. Van Riper

Beliefs We Hold is about blind beliefs that are not only gripping but also toxicas in zealotry or mania. They can enthrall some people who hold them doggedly, contaminating such guardians as well as those around them. One such case epitomizes how a sentinel can both hold beliefs and become held by them, a prime example of the unique relationship between beliefs gone rogue and the severe consequences that can ensue from mindless tenacity.

Probably no beliefs are more deeply or faithfully held than religious beliefs. More than just influential, religious beliefs can be crucial in the lives of many people. And because they can determine both the nature and extent of conviction, religious beliefs can range in their effect from material to manic.

Looking but not seeing. Riveting beliefs. Become crippling. Victimizing.

That was JD, contaminated by fervor. Overwhelmed by religious beliefs that he could neither uphold nor disclaim created a dilemma for JD that took away his mental health and replaced it with mental illness. His struggle to find peace of mind was grueling, also contagious. So those around him who inadvertently caught the bug experienced much of the stigma that JD faced.

JD was the victim not only of mental illness but also of the obsessive need of his attending psychiatrist to discover a bond between immanent beliefs and conspicuous pathology. In juxtaposition and in conflict with the attending was the chief of staff, who saw his vital duty as essentially the rendering of psychiatric service over any research mandate. The clash of egos and objectives that defined the aspirations of the two psychiatrists hindered JDs return to mental health.

Still, in spite of cruel circumstance and after numerous traumatic events in house, JD finally benefitted from a change in psychiatrists. On the road to recovery, JD learned that he was, in a sense, crazy about God. What irony, he thought. Because it was that oddity that led him to understand how beliefs we hold . . . can hold us and, coincidentally, how he was initially seized by the intractable imperative.

Inevitably and paradoxically, he had to give some credit to the gods of his imagination for bringing him down to earth. In a final reconciliation with divinity, he realizes that neither the Divine Comedy nor a divine tragedy had the ability to touch his soul, cater to his spirit, or fulfill his needs. It was, instead, a divine remedynot simply a matter of freeing himself of beliefs but, rather, of holding beliefs that are freeing.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Jul 18, 2018
• ISBN: 9781546236573

B. W. Van Riper

Originally from Chicago, he is a Michigan transplant, now of many decades. He graduated from Adrian College. Serving in the Korean Conflict, he returned to Michigan and attended the University of Michigan, acquiring an A.M. and a Ph.D. Human relations intrigued and moved him early on. His educational pursuits followed that interest into counseling, counseling psychology, and counselor education. The author went on to teach graduate students in counseling principles, practices and theory, as well as to supervise outreach counseling practicums—all of which prepared graduate students for licensing in careers in counseling and therapy. As a professor emeritus as well as when he was employed at Eastern Michigan University, he continued to prepare manuscripts for publication in professional journals. But gradually, and then completely, his attention turned to issues in which he had a vital and vested interest. Two manuscripts became books. This will be his third book, and a fourth is in process. Still, above all, he is devoted, not so much to scholarship or writing fiction, as to his family. This most recent book reflects on that love and affection, as well as on the influence family has on its members in terms of the bond embracing heritage, endowment, and legacy. He claims it to be ‘fiction with a heart.’ He enjoys writing, loves what he writes, but doesn’t always love what he’s written. Self-expression is a very powerful inspiration, and liberating, in his estimation. Consequently, it is inherently rewarding. One thing that becomes clear in his books is that issues more so than characters are integral. This is so, he asserts, because characters in a work of fiction are not real, no matter how much effort is put into making them so, whereas issues are likely to be both real and vital. Originally from Chicago, he is a Michigan transplant, now of many decades. He graduated from Adrian College. Serving in the Korean Conflict, he returned to Michigan and attended the University of Michigan, acquiring an A.M. and a Ph.D. Human relations intrigued and moved him early on. His educational pursuits followed that interest into counseling, counseling psychology, and counselor education. The author went on to teach graduate students in counseling principles, practices and theory, as well as to supervise outreach counseling practicums—all of which prepared graduate students for licensing in careers in counseling and therapy. As a professor emeritus as well as when he was employed at Eastern Michigan University, he continued to prepare manuscripts for publication in professional journals. But gradually, and then completely, his attention turned to issues in which he had a vital and vested interest. Two manuscripts became books. This will be his third book, and a fourth is in process. Still, above all, he is devoted, not so much to scholarship or writing fiction, as to his family. This most recent book reflects on that love and affection, as well as on the influence family has on its members in terms of the bond embracing heritage, endowment, and legacy. He claims it to be ‘fiction with a heart.’ He enjoys writing, loves what he writes, but doesn’t always love what he’s written. Self-expression is a very powerful inspiration, and liberating, in his estimation. Consequently, it is inherently rewarding. One thing that becomes clear in his books is that issues more so than characters are integral. This is so, he asserts, because characters in a work of fiction are not real, no matter how much effort is put into making them so, whereas issues are likely to be both real and vital.

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© 2018 B. W. Van Riper. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse  08/17/2018

ISBN: 978-1-5462-3658-0 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5462-3657-3 (e)

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Contents

Dedication

Prologue

The Presenting Problem

Chapter 1   An Open and Shut Case

Chapter 2   The Truth of the Matter

Chapter 3   A Difference of Opinion

Chapter 4   The Rift

A History of Dissent

Chapter 5   Rites & Wrongs

Chapter 6   Family Misfortune

Chapter 7   Introspection

Chapter 8   Between Two Fires

Chapter 9   Conviction over Convention

Chapter 10   Thunderbird

Chapter 11   On Tenterhooks

The Love Story

Chapter 12   Out of the Blue

Chapter 13   The One

Chapter 14   A Clash

Chapter 15   Bounty on the Beauty

Chapter 16   Morality in Search of Practicality

Chapter 17   Seeking Nirvana

Chapter 18   Call of the Wild

Chapter 19   Incomparable Loss at Stake

Chapter 20   Bliss Came/and Went

Hazy Times

Chapter 21   Disharmony

Chapter 22   Prelude to Disaster

Chapter 23   Calamity in the Wings

Chapter 24   Turmoil on Stage

Beliefs

Chapter 25   Camouflage

Chapter 26   The Fear Itself

Chapter 27   Dream On…

Chapter 28   Descent into Darkness

Facing the Music

Chapter 29   Deceptive Impressions

Chapter 30   Distorted Vision

Chapter 31   To the Rescue?

Chapter 32   First Things–Worst

Chapter 33   Hearing Impaired

Seeking the Light/Finding a Flame

Chapter 34   ‘Blind Belief’

Chapter 35   Greetings & Salutations

Chapter 36   Knight to Bishop 3

Chapter 37   Recalcitrant & Reactive

Chapter 38   Illusions & Delusions

Chapter 39   Alienation of Affection

Putting Things Together

Chapter 40   Performance Is Everything

Chapter 41   It’s Crazy

Chapter 42   The Gravity of Narcissism

Chapter 43   The Playbill

Chapter 44   When Seeing Is Believing

Questionable Judgment

Chapter 45   Mistakes Were Made

Chapter 46   Remonstration

Chapter 47   Brief Encounter

Chapter 48   Protests & Pranks

Chapter 49   Schadenfreude

Chapter 50   Contention

Chapter 51   In the Name of God

Flight of the Phobic

Chapter 52   Theophobia

Chapter 53   Time Running Down/and Out

Chapter 54   Miracles & Other Experiences En Route

Transformation

Chapter 55   Practical Measures

Chapter 56   Some Insight & Some Hypocrisy

Chapter 57   Not Sweet, the Sorry Parting

Chapter 58   Uphill, Downhill, Bountiful

Chapter 59   A Visitor from Other Space

Chapter 60   Coming Around

Chapter 61   Craziness

Chapter 62   As God Is My Witness

Chapter 63   Lights out!

Chapter 64   ‘How Long, How Long, in Infinite Pursuit… ?’

Anxious Aftermath

Chapter 65   The Enemy Within

Chapter 66   The Confessional

Chapter 67   Knots Often Result in Tying Things Together

Chapter 68   Divine Comedy? Divine Tragedy? -or, Divine Remedy?

Epilogue

DEDICATION

Personally and professionally, she was THE ONE …

who facilitated the writing of this book and who made her best efforts to inspire the promise of it. So,

For those and so many other reasons, she was

My guiding light,

My alter ego,

My hope, light and love,

AND, fortunately for me,

`My remarkable wife,

MADELON

Prologue

For us there is Meaning if we seek it,

And there is Purpose if we pursue it,

But we cannot hope to find the fullest

Meaning and Purpose of our lives

By playing

Odds and Evens with our Essence,

Where Audited Belief can have magic–

But Blind Belief can be tragic…

–The Voice Within

The Presenting Problem

Looney Tunes is comin’ to town.

What’re you talkin’ about, Tony?

The whack-job comin’ in.

Whuddya mean, Tony? This guy will be a patient, man. You’re gonna get yourself jammed up if one of the doctors or nurses hears you talkin’ like that.

Like I givuh shit, Hoby.

You’re nuts, Tony. ‘N how do you know anything about this admission?

"Cuz I bin listenin’ to the doctors and nurses discuss the cases, Hoby, Tony said in a mocking manner. This guy comin’ in is a loon. He thinks he’s God or somethin’. I dunno. But I heard ’em say that he all of a sudden went cuckoo. Guess it took a coupla cops all they could do to restrain him. –Tell you what. He tries actin’ up on me, I’ll bust ’im in the chops."

You do that to a patient, you’ll be history around here.

Hoby, whud I say, whud I tell yuh? I don’ givuh shit. Tony smirked and gave Hoby ‘the finger.’

Chapter 1

An Open and Shut Case

Hoby shrugged and moved on down the hall. Tony scowled. The two hospital attendants worked together/but only when they had to. Jeopardy to their common undertakings had been precast.

As for their chores, the residual of Tony and Hoby rubbing elbows was typically friction, which became a caustic reminder that predominated their association. Because they rarely worked well together, almost always due largely to Tony’s piquancy, they clashed. So! Trial and Tribulation/as Aftershock.

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Also some of the same friction–but not necessarily for the same reasons–prevailed for the larger cast assembling. They were not yet all present and accounted for, but in the wings, ready to play their parts. The star of the forthcoming show was ‘Looney Toons,’ aka JD/goes by his initials. The members of the cast all had their parts ‘in the Looney Bin,’ as Tony designated his assignment in an alien culture. An attendant to the mentally ill, and an outsider on the inside, he could be dangerous; still, Tony was only a bit player.

Hoby was also a bit player. He was as different in liking his job as Tony was in disliking the job. He liked the people he served. He liked the staff. He just liked people, and he couldn’t understand why Tony was always so ‘bitchy,’ always viewing the setting he worked in as a toxic caldron. In fact, Hoby didn’t get why Tony didn’t like the people he served, or the people he served with.

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The star of the mental health drama was a puzzle to all. Here he was, an accident that just happened. He had an incident, went off on a tangent, and into a rage causing all kinds of problems in his apartment building.

According to rumor, directly related to JD’s bizarre behavior and the inherent danger posed therein, neighbors got very upset and wanted JD removed from the premises. JD assaulted the neighbors with harsh admonition. JD’s wife, Andra, became unhinged. Police were called; they came and subdued what they called, in the vernacular, a raving maniac. Then they took JD to the psychiatric ward at the regional hospital where he was sedated.

–But something more permanent had to be done. Psychiatric care was required, doctors told JD’s wife. In disarray, Andra made the difficult call. To Trune, an MD, and old college friend of JD’s.

We’ve had a terrible time of things, Andra confided. ‘I’m desperate. But I’m not as desperate as JD is. My husband says he’s willing to talk to the psychiatric consultants he declined to see earlier when you recommended such a meeting. That’s how bad off he is, that is, ready to capitulate. Still, I can’t promise he won’t change his mind when the time comes," JD’s wife admitted.

I’ll talk to him, Andra. I’ll do what I can to convince JD to see the psychiatrist I know. This doctor and I were friends in medical school. I believe seeing Doctor Hebron is the right thing for him to do.

You say we’ll see a Doctor Hebron? Andra asked.

Yes. But Doctor Hebron will probably assign JD to another psychiatrist. Doctor Hebron coordinates psychiatric services at Angel Hall.

So, Doctor Hebron won’t be the one providing the psychiatric service.

He’ll probably do some part of the intake interview. And he’ll also be part of the team that will monitor JD’s diagnosis and treatment. –It’ll be a group effort, Andra.

You know JD doesn’t have much faith in the healing power of psychiatry. But he’s reached a point of despair that frightens him. Even he knows that he’s losing his mind. Andra has stop babbling to catch herself up. I’m sorry, she apologized, it’s just so difficult to see him falling apart,so wild, so unpredictable.

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Later, when Andra and JD were transported to the hospital, Trune was waiting to greet them. Initially, JD was asked to sign in. During that interval, Andra confided to Trune, I want you to know how grateful I am to you to for providing this opportunity…

I’m sure you’ll get some useful ideas about how to help JD. I leave all those matters to Doctor Hebron, Trune said in clarifying his position of support.

I just hope he can suggest ways to respond to JD that won’t be too upsetting and cause JD to react–here or at home. Andra didn’t notice that Trune winced a bit at Andra’s expectation that JD might be returning to his dwelling. "I’m just not able to adapt to JD’s ranting about figments or his claims that gods of a sort are terrorizing him; or am I able to understand his inexplicable antics inspired by the curious creatures of his imagination. Do you know what I’m referring to?"

I can’t say that I do. But JD and I did have dorm-room discussions about unconventional gods that we discussed in a metaphorical sense. The one I remember inventing for our discussions was the one I called Atatakakat.

I don’t recall him using that name. The one I hear him refer to most often is an invention he refers to as Thunderbird or T-Bird.

"Yes. I recall that name. It was the one JD created for purposes of our theoretical religious discussions. He called it an ideal god, the God of Principle. I referred to my configuration as the God of Stark Reality, a realistic god."

It was at that point, the two advocates noted JD’s departure from the front counter and his paperwork assignment. But before he turned to join Andra and Trune, JD was directed to enter Dr. Hebron’s office. It was when Dr. Hebron closed his office door that Trune turned to Andra.

Aside, Trune mentioned, "You’ll like Doctor Hebron, Andra. He’s not a figment, that is, a replica of the stereotypical shrink JD complained about. Doctor Hebron is practical and responsive. His explanations and advice will be down-to-earth, I can assure you. And Doctor Hebron will allow you an opportunity to unburden yourself and make inquiry if that’s what you want to do. –You’ll see."

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In closing the door to his office, Dr. Hebron could tell that JD had grown uneasy. The welcoming event did not go well. Somewhat under control because of psychotropic drugs administered at the regional hospital, JD was still far from a happy camper. But at the moment, for the moment, he was not belligerent. His quiescence did not last long, though.

Moments after he entered Dr. Hebron’s office, JD was off on a tangent. He wanted to know from Hebron about the psychiatrist’s beliefs, and why he held them. Then, under rather severe scrutiny, JD wanted the psychiatrist to appraise the purpose and essence of divinity. The chief-of-staff didn’t require an extended interview in order to determine JD’s need for critical care.

After a short while, Dr. Hebron interrupted JD’s ranting to excuse himself. He proceeded to enter the anteroom where he spoke to Trune. When he returned to his office, briefly but not abruptly, Dr. Hebron suggested JD visit with Trune. Why don’t you and Trune take some time to get re-acquainted while Andra and I take some time to get acquainted?

JD looked suspiciously at Dr. Hebron, but he agreed to the terms.

Trune had agreed to the psychiatrist’s request to ‘catch up on things’ with JD while Andra was exploring JD’s issues with Hebron. As Trune had promised Andra, almost immediately Hebron evoked good vibes, and he seemed quite down-to-earth without being patronizing. Andra was taken immediately by the psychiatrist’s natural charm, genuine smile, and engaging manner, making Andra feel comfortable as well as welcome to participate in their conference.

Meanwhile, Trune had whisked JD off, hoping to keep him occupied by returning to the Visitor’s Lounge for coffee and conversation. But when Trune tried to engage JD in conversation, JD didn’t seem interested, that is, until Trune asked if he and Dr. Hebron had an opportunity to talk about the troubles JD faced.

JD snapped, You should know. That’s why I’m here, isn’t it? Trune just nodded. JD looked daggers at Trune until Trune mentioned Thunderbird, a token incentive, seemingly unprovocative, but enough to get JD started, and once he got revved up, JD was an engine. T-Bird. There’s a subject for conversation. But will your med-school acquaintance address it in a meaningful way?

Trune recalled past times, distinctive in his memory, when he and JD were in discussions that made good sense. Finally at wits end, Trune put the question to JD, So, what is it that you want to tell Doctor Hebron about Thunderbird, JD?

I wanted to tell him about the new things I’ve learned about T-Bird since we talked about the gods of good will in college. But when I tried to do that, he chose to have me talk to you. Actually, I think he wanted to talk to Andra. –I don’ know. JD fell silent. Trune did not want to trigger a discussion with JD that might not end well, so he chose silence over discourse.

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When JD went off ‘to visit’ with Trune, Andra claimed her opportunity to present her case to the chief of staff, but before she could get revved up, she lost her courage. Dr. Hebron could see the trouble Andra was having in expressing herself, so he was about to provide a stimulus, hoping to involve her.

Before he could invite Andra to discuss her concerns, Dr. Moletuto entered the picture but not the conversation. After a brief introduction by Hebron, Moletuto took a seat off to the side just to observe the proceedings. Andra kept glimpsing him out of the corner of her eye wondering what part he was going to play in the psychotherapeutic process. –She was soon to learn Moletuto would be assigned a pivotal role. For the moment, Hebron left Moletuto out of the picture.

Reengaging with Andra, Hebron explained, "I won’t pretend we’re here for a little chat, Andra. –To put it simply, Trune informed me that you’re in a fix. I don’t mean to be glib, but we know it’s a psychological dilemma for both you and JD. The nature of JD’s extreme exhibition was epitomized by in my office earlier.

"Consequently, we want to provide you and your husband with relief from the grim circumstances you’ve been experiencing. I know you both have suffered as a result of this disorder, JD actively and you passively, although I can imagine that you are integrally entangled and not just incidentally involved in all of this turmoil. That is, I do understand that you’re in the middle, not just at the edge of this tumult. So I want all of us at the hospital to have as our mission JD’s repair and recovery. It will be a process that a number of the staff will contribnte to.

It was at that moment Hebron turned to Moletuto, providing the staff psychiatrist with a ceremonial introduction by explaining, Doctor Moletuto is going to be JD’s psychiatrist. So I’d like you two to get acquainted. And if you don’t mind, I’ll sit in for awhile.

Hebron did not want to get in the way of a substantive exchange between the primes, so as promised, he sat in for a very short time, excusing himself by mentioning to Moletuto that Andra had some concerns she wanted to express. The effect of Hebron’s judgment to turn the interview over to Moletuto was probably warranted, but it was greeted by some uncertainty on Andra’s part.

Although Andra yearned to disclose her own concerns, and gain insights by doing so, she remained tentative, not quite knowing where to start or with what. Even though she was grateful for her opportunity to unload her angst, she was oddly uncertain how to take advantage of her opportunity to find peace of mind.

Moletuto didn’t wait for Andra to find the right words to express or explain her anguish. He took the initiative, and retained it until Andra finally blurted, –It’s the anger and frustration JD feels. My husband had an awful conflict with his family, and particularly with his father, a minister, over questions about The Faith, The Belief, The Doctrine and other religious matters. I believe it was these unresolved religious matters that, literally, sent JD–over the edge.

When you say ‘over the edge,’ I am surmising that you mean your husband became disturbed and acted out as a result of his religious beliefs and that his family disowned him because of his doubts about religion. –Am I going too far? Moletuto asked, suddenly becoming a very interested party.

"No, Doctor Moletuto, you’re not going too far. His family conflict was definitely a result of JD’s unconventional religious views. But as to how far over any psychological edge he may be, I’m certainly no judge of that. I know that he is quite unsettled, and I also know that JD can be erratic and unruly. –That’s why I refer to JD’s malady as a disorder."

As Moletuto pondered Andra’s remark, Andra produced a treatise of sorts that JD had prepared weeks earlier; she shared it with the psychiatrist. Moletuto glimpsed it and set it aside for future reference. He did not have to think long about JD being in the right place. And for as little as he knew about his patient, Moletuto believed that he was the right choice to minister to JD–as well as to gain, professionally, from such association.

Andra interrupted Moletuto’s musing to interject, Although he doesn’t always say with whom he is conversing, my husband talks on and on–often aloud–to figments of his own making. That’s very troubling to me. I understand that JD is delusional, and I know I can’t console or comfort the man I love, because I don’t know how to affect such adjustment. Andra ended her wrenching account with a woeful shake of her head and a helpless shrug of her shoulders.

I appreciate that you’ve depicted behaviors that stem from JD’s conflicting beliefs. In a revealing way, I think I’m getting a part of the picture. Moletuto seemed excited by clinical prospects of the case, but oddly distant from Andra. He became even more distant when she asked pointed questions about what treatment would be employed and for how long, and how soon JD could be expected to return home.

Moletuto looked at Andra as if she hadn’t grasped the daunting nature of JD’s psychosis (a term deliberately avoided, because of Andra’s aversion to it). Hebron did reappear just as the interview was ending to remind Moletuto that some institutional papers required signatures. Moletuto took advantage of that opportunity to gain Hebron’s assistance in addressing Andra’s inquiry into basics.

Hebron had a way of reaching out and contacting people without physically touching them; no matter, people felt close to him in more than just proximity.

Andra had appealed to Hebron when she and Hebron were engaged earlier in orientation matters, informing the chief of staff, I want to help my husband, Doctor Hebron. He may be flawed, but he is a very good man, a very decent man, and capable of being a complete man with full control of all his faculties.

But as I mentioned earlier, you’ll need assistance in order to help JD help himself."

That’s a problem, because JD isn’t able to help himself, and he knows it.

Perhaps not at this stage of his illness/or disorder. But there will come a time when JD can begin to manage his affairs. –Until then, things are likely to be trying, possibly exhausting. Those more difficult times are likely to take extraordinary effort and courage on your part, too much for you to manage without a lot of help. –JD will need to be hospitalized for the kind of care he will need.

I’m not sure I can do that to him. My husband will feel misunderstood, condemned, and abandoned. At least, for now, he trusts me.

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He came from County. Now we get ‘im. –But like I said, he’s a whacko.

He seems OK to me, Tony, Hoby testified.

Everybody seems OK to you, Hoby. You’re a flake, Tony asserted…

The charge nurse said–

"Who the hell cares what the charge nurse said or thinks," Tony seethed. It riled Tony that Hoby was kind and responsive to the afflicted. And to have pity or sympathy or empathy for deranged souls was simply revolting in Tony’s view.

Chapter 2

The Truth of the Matter

While JD had being diverted in the lounge by Trune, Andra had been lamenting to Hebron, As I’ve said, I just don’t understand. And then later, when Moletuto joined Andra and the chief of staff, Andra repeated her quandary, glancing from Hebron to Moletuto for a response. The chief of staff took that opportunity to invite his staff psychiatrist to reenter the orientation.

Moletuto proceeded to launch into an account of JD’s malady, "Let me explain your husband’s disorder this way, Mrs. Derwood: your husband has delusions that have distorted his view of things. As a result losing touch with reality, JD’s beliefs have become disorganized.

"But beliefs are essential to us. They support and sustain us. So when we can’t depend on them, life can become a quandary, sometimes unmanageable. JD is facing that kind of situation.

For most of us, our beliefs in people, things, and ideas are essential to our welfare. We rely on them for the quality and conduct of our lives. –Many people have strong spiritual beliefs, particularly in religion. Evidently, your husband’s religious beliefs were like that, but then they became distorted. And, for him, that has become devastating.

Pausing for any impressions or reactions to his depiction of JD’s religious transformation from JD’s wife, Moletuto provided some time for Andra to absorb what he was saying. During that brief interlude, Moletuto began to think: This patient seems ideal for my study of people who struggle with the ordinary orthodoxies, not able to accept them, and then not qute able to reject them. This conflict with one’s beliefs or faith can cause catastrophic consequences with a person’s psyche, putting the mind in disarray. Then picking up where he’d left off, –So, as I mentioned earlier, the result is that your husband has lost touch with reality, that is to say, the difference between fact and fantasy has been lost to him.

Coincidentally, Hebron thought Moletuto was losing touch with Andra, but he didn’t want to intervene. So he let Moletuto go on a bit longer before tact began to concede to intuition. Hebron had no way of knowing that Moletuto had become more interested in research possibilities than in patient care and recovery. He did think Moletuto’s approach was lacking something in sentiency and responsiveness. As Hebron was reconsidering an intervention, Moletuto returned to relevancy explaining, As a result of losing touch with reality, your husband has become troublesome to you, to others, and, as you’ve seen for yourself, to himself.

Hebron decided to add his own talk to Moletuto’s briefing Andra spoke up, I get your point, Doctor Moletuto. And, as you suggested, my experience was real, not hypothetical. I went through an incident that was trying on me and my husband. So I know something has to change. For me, I need a practical approach/whatever that is. –Answers is what I need. Useful answers. I have these questions that, once answered, will relieve me of my concerns. –So. What’s he got, how did he get it, and when does he get over it?

Moletuto glanced up at Hebron as if he had disconnected with the woman sitting across from him. Hebron filled the gap, intervening with a nod and a smile.

Those are the questions, Mrs. Derwood–Andra, if I may. Andra quickly acceded to Hebron’s request with a nod. The chief of staff went on to address the questions posed. "To put it truthfully and plainly, at this time, we don’t have answers to your questions. We are convinced your husband is ‘disturbed,’ but you know that without us having to tell you. We don’t know the details of his disturbance, that is, the kind of disorder distressing him. That remains to be seen. And, yes, it is important in treating your husband for us to know details about the nature and source of his illness. For that, he’ll have to be admitted for a time. We can’t tell you how long that might be. I know that’s not what you wanted to hear. You want to know now, but we can’t tell you that until he goes through analysis.

"You want to know how he came by what he has. That will be central to discovering what caused his breakdown. His disorder, as you refer to it, likely has many and varied details. Again, not what you’d like to hear, but to the point. Diagnosis and treatment can be lengthy parts of the psychiatric process.

"Lastly, you ask the natural question, the expectation: how long will it take to restore his health? That’s the big question. One we will all have and continue to have until we find an answer. In the meantime, we’ll have the less satisfactory response: we’re working on it. That’s the truth/even if it sounds like a dodge.

"–This condition is not like an injury that runs a certain predetermined course of healing. That is, it’s not a condition like a cold or the flu that lasts for a specified time and then kind of runs out of gas/energy. Mental illness is one of the most disturbing of all the illnesses, and it is susceptible to running into agonizing obstructions and impediments. So, to be forewarned is to be forearmed.

I want you to know, we do not treat these matters lightly. Doctor Moletuto and I mean to treat it diligently and resolutely, and to treat you and JD honestly and respectfully. We don’t make promises, Andra, except the promise to do our very best to bring peace of mind to you and your husband…

Andra’s hands were in her lap, her eyes were on her hands, and her hands were knitted in a tense grip. Her mind was in a grip, too. The doctor made sense, but it wasn’t the kind of sense that she wanted him to make. The one doctor sounded like he was giving a lecture; the other doctor sounded practical but not particularly promising. Still, if she could have, she would have chosen Hebron.

With a reassuring smile, and some insight, the chief said, "I know it’s a lot to think about/probably a lot to worry about, too. I wish there were something magical I could say that would bring you instant relief. If there were anything like that, right now is when I’d employ it. But, while I can’t promise instant relief, I can promise increasing progress in the analysis and treatment of JD’s disorder.

Ending his part in the consultation formalities, Hebron mentioned, "–There are some additional details that Doctor Moletuto will want to discuss with you, and the abominable forms to be filled out/I apologize for that inconvenience. –For now, I leave you in Doctor Moletuto’s very capable hands." Dr. Hebron excused himself, parting with that genuinely warm smile of his.

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Dr. Moletuto was stiff and straight-forward, Andra determined. She was resigned to listening more so than to talking. Her questions had to wait. Because Moletuto let it be known that he wanted his say. He got it. He said it. When he turned to explain the forms to be filled out, Andra saw something about electroconvulsive therapy that immediately captured her attention and bothered her, and she said so. Moletuto told her that ECT would not be his first line of treatment. And that she would be ‘apprised’ of any change in treatment. Additionally, you will be kept informed, periodically, of your husband’s progress. But I am not talking about routine reports. You will be visiting after a time, and we will engage in discussions regarding your husband’s progress and sharing impressions and information about your husband’s behavior and conduct that you have observed and that can enlighten us about his condition–even suggest possible treatment modalities…

Andra informed the psychiatrist, –I certainly want to contribute to JD’s recovery in any way that I can. You need only ask.

… I will also be asking for your input about your husband’s thoughts and actions–things that might contribute to your husband’s treatment.

Again, Andra volunteered to do anything asked to advance the mending of her husband. I want to help rescue my husband from his debilitating disorder.

With the assurance that Andra would contribute to her husband’s salvage operation, Moletuto excused himself, alleging press of duties, and explaining that a ‘hospital rep’ would be in to help her complete ‘admission papers.’ Andra was left with a vague feeling of uncertainty about Moletuto that she couldn’t quite put her finger on. But she sensed there was something distant about him.

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The new admission? they say. Others say, nothing new. Yet somehow different from the others afflicted. JD may be theophobic, some few thought. But maybe more. He could be uncontrollable but not really violent. Just difficult to manage. Sometimes he had to be restrained. At admission, it took two officers to bring him under control. Still, he didn’t fight with the police; he just refused to be restrained by them. Currently, he seemed to be under control.

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"Doctor Moletuto and I will be admitting a new patient later on. We’ve been meeting with this incoming patient, JD, and his wife, Andra, the Derwoods. JD had an intense–rather wild–episode that we were told was not vicious, but raucous, so we have to be prepared for that. This is a guest of a different stripe, so I’ll talk to the staff on the floor about his treatment, but I’ll need you to monitor the conduct and behavior of this admission. –Let me know about wayward particulars. You know what I mean."

I do. –I can see to that, the charge nurse assured the chief of staff.

Evidently, these explosive episodes are triggered by religious hallucinations, the exact cause and nature of which remain to be determined. At the moment, we only know that he has some active concerns about God and God-related beliefs and that they are gripping enough to ignite him when they are triggered. Keep those matters in mind in dealing with him.

All right. Besides that, Doctor Hebron, are there any other special precautions?

"I don’t think so. Just be aware of the fact that religious connotations of any kind might turn out to be incendiary matters for him. He is disturbed we know, but we’ve also been told that he can make good sense when he’s inclined. I’m assigning Doctor Moletuto to this case. We’ll know more about the situation, circumstances, and dimensions of the case as we learn about them.

As the charge nurse on this floor, I’d like you to try to get acquainted with JD. If that becomes difficult, or impossible, we’ll make some other arrangements. Just be sure Tony and Hoby are nearby in case things begin to get out of hand. –Now, I don’t want to make more of this than it is. I’ve said he had a violent episode, but it wasn’t as if he attacked anyone. He just was hard to control or restrain when he had a psychotic episode. So, we’ll have to play things by ear.

Well, I’ll do my best to welcome JD, Doctor Hebron. I don’t usually have much trouble with new admissions, but if I do, I know where to go for help.

OK, then. We’ll talk again after the intake interviews with the principals are completed. –Or, Doctor Moletuto will be speaking to you.

Doctor Moletuto is not an easy one for me to relate to, Doctor Hebron.

He’s a very good psychiatrist but a touch avid about his work. Try your best to take Doctor Moletuto into your confidence. Your cooperation in that regard will be appreciated, and any effort to extend yourself will be a favor to all of us. Doctor Hebron smiled warmly and genuinely as he and the nurse parted.

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Gentlemen, we have a new guest, our latest arrival… the nurse informed the attendants. He may be difficult but not particularly troublesome. Nevertheless, you will have to be on your toes with him. –And patient. Patience will be important…

Tony nodded and gave Hoby a ‘told you so’ smirk. Hoby sighed in acknowledgment of Tony’s ‘inside info.’

Am I missing something? the charge nurse inquired about the non-verbal exchange between the attendants.

No, ma’am, Hoby responded, jes thet we’d heard somethin’ about it.

Head nods all around. Well, unless there’s something else, we’ll await further instructions. The charge nurse left the attendants to see to other duties.

See that? Di’n I tell yuh? Tony crowed.

OK, you’re a snoop, Hoby claimed as he ambled off.

Tony shot Hoby a sinister look under hooded eyes.

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For good reason Moletuto experienced a peculiar sense of excitement in his anticipation of JD’s admission. He saw prospects, although they were vague. Still, they held promise. The challenge that he considered was not in the care and treatment of the new arrival but, rather, in what the new arrival might provide in the way of insights, insights that might yield possibly profound discoveries, the significance of which could be incalculable–

Thinking: theophobia (a hatred or fear of God)… people who resort to blind belief (belief with little or no rhyme or reason, opening the door to mental illness: a toxic relationship of immanent beliefs to conspicuous pathology.

Chapter 3

A Difference of Opinion

The signs and symptoms gave the two psychiatrists much to discuss and debate. –But not Moletuto’s discordant impression/because the staff psychiatrist didn’t offer it for consideration. In any event, this patient and his illness, caused much deliberation? Although he was typical of the atypical mental patient in customary ways, in some odd & intriguing respects, JD was curiously different from the other anomalies that filled the hospital rooms at ‘the Hall’.

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"Angel Hall. Angel Hall. Angel Hall. It’s resonant. It’s Catholic. It’s religious. But I’m not Catholic. And I’m not even religious–

"This may be one of God’s places, but it’s not for people like me. God and I have our differences, you must know. You call this a hospital, but I’m not a patient. I’m a prisoner of the church. And I will be until my beliefs are acceptable to God/and God’s affiliates and associates. That’s true, isn’t it, Doctor Moletuto?"

What is true is that coming here was your choice. You asked to be here.

What choice did I have? You think I wanted to come here?

Yes. I think that’s what you wanted. And you wanted to be hospitalized because you knew that you would get understanding and support here. This is your sanctuary, JD. We’re all here to help you. That’s our Mission.

"Help me do what, Doctor Moletuto? Help me change? Help me be myself? Help me be true to The Faith? –I have beliefs, you know. I just don’t believe what you and others want me to believe…

Let me tell you something, Doctor Moletuto. We all see things differently, we all hear things differently, we all think things differently, we all feel things differently, and that makes all of us different. And, yet, while we all look different from one another, we all have two eyes, two ears, a mouth, a chin, a forehead, and eyebrows; so we all have similar features, yet we are all different. See what I’m getting at, Moletuto? JD asked rhetorically/skipping the (Doctor) formality. Moletuto was avidly listening to all that JD was saying.

Encouraged by Moletuto’s attending behavior, JD continued, "This all has to do with the beliefs we hold. Beliefs can be different. Beliefs are always different in some way, even when they’re similar. We aren’t told to change our looks just because they’re different, but we’re often told to change our beliefs if they’re different. And sometimes, even when people hold the same beliefs others hold, they may be different in the ways they hold those beliefs. Are you following my thinking here? I mean, do you understand how the beliefs we hold can be treacherous if they aren’t fully compliant with the beliefs of others?

"–I can tell you’re studying what I’m saying. That’s good. And I can also tell that you’re scrutinizing my analogies. Also good. Now, I want you to think back 2000 years to the birth of Christ, to the birth of Christianity, to the birth of beliefs in The Faith. That’s when Jesus brought God on board. After all, where was God before Jesus came along? Why He was waiting for an introduction. God wasn’t much of anything before Jesus appeared and promoted Him/just another notoriety-in-the-making in the grand pantheon of gods–Greek, Roman, et al.

"Now, I am vilified for my allegiance to an exemplary god, who isn’t even a god in the conventional sense. Our loves and dreams, our hopes and aspirations, our fortunes and futures, our beliefs and values, our dreams–our raison d’être, and most assuredly our lives and afterlives… all in the name of God. –What’re you doing?" JD halted his discourse to ask.

"I’m taking some notes. –Transcription. For future reference."

Why? Are your going to report me to someone?

Just trying to gain perspective. The notes jog my memory. Help me recall the nature of patient conferences. –Well, JD, you do present some interesting thoughts, JD’s psychiatrist conceded, changing the subject of the conversation. But he was thinking, if only JD could put his symptoms into words/instead of riddles. Still, even if he could and would, there’s a good deal more to his mental illness than either a definition or a diagnosis might expose.

‘Interesting,’ you say. But not good enough to get me out of this place.

Is that really what you want? I thought you wanted to find meaning and purpose in the beliefs you hold.

Say the magic words. I’m waiting to hear them.

What would you like to hear?

How to conduct my quest and seek the answers to my dilemma.

"It sounds like you already know what you’re looking for. It’s your quest to find meaning and purpose, isn’t it? And you want your questions