Jesus Speaks to Me: Whispers of Mercy, Whispers of Love

By Rev. Joseph Harris and Adeline Jean

Unquestionably, this book is 100% factual! It offers an ordinary person's (the author's) perspective on the love and mercy of God, which is based on her actual and extraordinary personal experiences. At the same time, this book highlights the power of scripture, as well as the importance of prayer and faith. The author exposes her life to the world in order to help others discover the simplicity of listening to the Lord in various ways, whether through written words, people, or life experiences.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jun 26, 2018
• ISBN: 9781543475036

Rev. Joseph Harris

Adeline Jean has been engaged in the teaching profession for over twenty years and is currently a university adjunct Professor of English and of Biblical Studies. She is likewise presently a doctoral student of Practical Theology. She is a hybrid product of the four religionsCatholicism, Anglicanism, Islam, and Hinduismthat have defined her contextual world and allowed her to emerge with a spiritual openness to other Christian confessions and faiths traditions along with an undaunted outlook towards life, spirituality, and expressions of her faith.

Book preview

CHAPTER 1

Called to Write

Do not be afraid; God is taking care of everything; simply rely on the Spirit and He will guide you on this journey.

REFLECTION 1

Do the works of the one who sent me

John 9:4

06/07/10

About two months ago, I spoke with a friend who had moved to Virginia from Florida. I first met her in Florida two years earlier, in 2008. When we spoke two months ago, I told her that I was going through a training program to become certified to teach part-time at another academic institution of higher learning. This would be the fourth tertiary-level institution I will be teaching at. I expressed to her the reason for my desire to teach at this new institution: it would allow me more time to write. I know God has called me to write for Him, as I am doing now, but, in reality, I do not have enough time to write because all of my time is taken up grading papers for students and in planning for my classes. As such, I seldom write. During our conversation, I told my friend that teaching at this college provided the perfect opportunity for me. I have found a way to write more because I will be teaching only one class at a time in accelerated semesters as opposed to several classes simultaneously over a longer period of time in the traditional semester. I explained to her that writing gives me immense joy. When I write I feel like I can burst with excitement because I am so inspired by God that thoughts and words just come rushing out of me. I can feel God controlling my fingers and guiding my thoughts so that I can say exactly what He wants me to. The day following this conversation with my friend, I met with my students for one-on-one conferencing to review their research papers. One student with whom I met asked, Where do you get all this material that you use to create your power points? I answered that I create everything myself. He exclaimed, Professor, you have such great talent, you should write a book. What a confirmation God had given me through this student of my desire to take my writing more seriously! This was by no means a holy, Angel-like young man. As a matter of fact, if anyone met him on the streets, they would think he was a thug. This incident showed me that God uses anyone or anything to reach out to us. What is important is being at a spiritual level that allows us to recognize He is communicating with us by the means He has chosen to do so.

Now, two months later, I still have not begun writing as I should have since the Lord invited me to when I first received His call to write in 2004, nor have I written since the incident mentioned above. I still find myself too busy to find the time to write. Yesterday, as usual, I went to school to teach. After my final class for the day, I met with one of the heads of the department in which I am teaching this semester. She began telling me that her husband, who is a writer, was on the New York Times Best Seller list and in Oprah’s Book Club. I said to her, I am so angry with myself. I know I have to write, but I do not do it. I keep convincing myself that I do not have the time. Though our conversation had been casual, she responded in a stern manner:

How can you say you do not have the time? My husband gets up at 4 a.m. every morning to write. He finds the time. It’s a lot of sacrifice, but that is the only way he can get it done. Not to mention, I have a disability, so he has to drive me everywhere I need to go and he has to also drive our child to and from school. You do not have all those commitments, so you can definitely do it if you put your mind to it.

Then she said something that really shocked me: If you do not use the gifts you have, you will lose it. That was like a slap in the face. I knew God was using her to give me this warning. Yet again, God was using an unlikely person to give me a powerful message about my writing (because this person and I had never previously spoken about God, so I was not aware of her beliefs). That same night, I went to my weekly prayer meeting with my prayer group. I told my peers what had happened that day. They suggested that I buy a recorder so that I could verbally record the inspirations I receive and the experiences I want to write about so that I do not forget them. In that way, if I could not write down the things that come to mind at the time I experience them, I would not forget what I want to write about later on when I actually found the time to write. That was a great idea. I knew the Holy Spirit had inspired them to tell me how I could make my writing a reality.

As if that was not enough prodding from God, today I received an e-mail from my brother. I do not like chain e-mails because they always come with a stipulation that they must be forwarded to a certain number of people. My brother’s e-mail was a chain e-mail. He had sent me many similar ones before that just went unopened. However, for no obvious reason, I opened this one. The following poem was among other things included in the e-mail:

I knelt to pray but not for long …

No time, no time, too much to do,

That was my constant cry …

But at last the time, the time to die …

For in his hands God held a book …

‘Your name I cannot find

I once was going to write it down.

But never found the time’

Does it get any clearer than this? If I do not find the time to do things for God, how can I expect him to find the time for me, especially when it matters the most—when I see him face-to-face?

This e-mail reminded me of something I had heard in the talk given by the priest at the Eucharistic Conference whose words confirmed my call to write, whom I mentioned earlier in the Introduction of this book. The priest had asked, How do we measure success? He answered his own question by saying, Success is measured not by the amount of cars you have in your driveway, by the number of degrees you have, or by the size of your house. You have achieved success when you can stand before God and not be embarrassed. Indeed, the Lord has given us a similar message when He tells us what the true measure of success is in Proverbs 22:4, The result of humility and fear of the LORD is riches, honor, and life. None of us will be embarrassed before God when we know in our hearts that in humility and genuine fear of Him we have answered His call by choosing His way and His will for our lives.

I surely do not want to stand before God and be embarrassed, so I must do what He asks of me. Like Saint Thérèse of Lisieux, the Little Flower taught us—what matters the most is the self-sacrifice and pleasure we take in doing the little things in life; these will take us to Heaven. Writing is the little thing the Lord has called me to do amid the vastness of this earth and of life itself. My only mission on this earth is to fulfill His will for my life even if I appear successful only in His eyes.

REFLECTION 2

My destiny is in your hands

Psalm 31:16

06/26/10

I went to Mass today. Several years ago, my spiritual director, a priest, taught me that I must offer up my intentions for the Mass right after the Penitential Rite when the priest says let us pray. Since I learned this, I offer up every Mass I attend (silently in my mind) for my own intentions. Today, my intention was that God would help me to make the right decision about my writing. I know He wants me to write, but I have been lazy at getting it done. To put it bluntly, I have been disobedient. Presently, I want Him to let me know if I should put my writing, which is my spiritual job for Him, first, and if I should put my teaching, which is my secular job that pays me a salary, second in my life. This has been such a struggle for me because I want to write more, and the joy I derive from my writing is so immense, I would like writing to become my career so that I could work directly for the Lord. However, like the average person, I have to work to survive, but the joy I receive from teaching cannot be compared with the joy I receive from writing. Not to mention, when I teach I have to use all my spare time to grade papers and to plan work. I have little time left to write, and when I do have time to spare, the last thing I want to do is to sit in front of the computer to write because I spend all of my time grading papers on the computer. Today, I said to God, I offer up this Mass to ask You to tell me what I need to do about my writing. Do I put writing first in my life, direct all my efforts into accomplishing it and thereby teach less, or do I teach the same amount of classes and try to squeeze in my writing? I must mention here that the latter has been my approach so far, and it has not worked well for me. I added, Should I write or should I teach?

Godincidentally, during Mass the priest began his homily by saying, Everyone needs to make decisions in life. He continued by explaining that he had just seen the movie Up, and in that movie a man had to make the decision of either keeping the house which held all the memories of his deceased wife or of losing it for the sake of helping someone in need. The priest went on to say that letting go of the past is hard, but we need to. We need to know when God is telling us to move on. Going into the unknown is not easy because we do not know how things will work out, but we need to trust that God has already worked out everything for our good. The priest said that going into the unknown is like taking a rollercoaster ride—you do not know what to expect, but you can be sure it will be an adventure. He added, Do not be afraid; God is taking care of everything; simply rely on the Spirit and He will guide you on this journey. He noted that in the end of the movie the man gave up his house for the sake of helping those in need. If I give up teaching for writing, I will be giving up something that has given me bittersweet memories (bitter because it has limited the time I have had for writing, and sweet because I enjoy teaching and interacting with students) for something that will enable me to help many more people because I would be able to share my life experiences and the aspects of my relationship with the Lord with millions worldwide. In the movie, the house was giving the man bitter-sweet memories also, so he had difficulty moving on with his life. The priest ended his homily by saying, It’s time to make the decisions you have not been able to make.

The priest was clearly being used by God to respond to what I had asked Him in my Mass intention. I had to make a decision myself as I too have been holding on to the past like the man in the movie. I have been teaching steadily at four different colleges for several years and have grown professionally as well as personally through the process, but I have always felt that my life is not complete with teaching alone. I know that I have been blessed with many God-given natural talents, as well as solid academic preparation, yet I do not have the opportunity through teaching to work and to give at my true potential. Since childhood, I have had a desire to teach others. I am beginning to realize that though I have been teaching in academic settings all my life, I am now being called to teach in a new setting, a spiritual one. Like the man in Up, I am holding on to something that does not bring me the level of personal satisfaction I am seeking. Everything seems to be pointing in the direction of leaving my past behind and moving on to the future. However, I do not know how I will pay my bills or survive financially if I teach less. Still, I know that if I put my writing first, I will be putting God first, and I will be helping His people who are in need because they will be able to hear Him speak to them through my words as I often hear Him speak to me through the words of other writers and speakers. Consequently, I will not need to worry about anything because He will take care of me. In the Gospel Reading at Mass today, Jesus said, No one who sets a hand to the plow and looks to what was left behind is fit for the kingdom of God (Luke 9:62). I have begun God’s work by writing, so I cannot look back at what I did before. Instead, I must keep my eyes fixed on where I am heading—I need to set deadlines, make decisions, and plan for success.

If Mass did not give me the answer I was seeking, God again spoke to me after Mass in the chapel when I went to visit Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. He spoke to me through one of my books of daily reflections in which I read the reflection on today’s Gospel. In the Gospel Reading today, someone in the crowd said to Jesus, I will follow you wherever you go (Luke 9:57). This is the same affirmation I regularly make to the Lord, but He is now reminding me that my commitment has to be a total one. If I am still trying to get my own way, I am not fully embracing His way and will. The reflection additionally stated that now is the time to surrender our all to God and to leave our past behind so that when we put our hand to the plow this time looking back will not be an option. My writing is my plow. I am plowing a field for the Lord. I will sow the seeds of my words, which are provided by Him. I cannot look back at what I did before for work (my teaching). I must now look ahead to where I am going to plow and to how I will plow. I have to surrender myself and give my all to my writing. I need to make a total commitment to write for the Lord. As I continued reading the reflection, the Lord then made known to me that the world will offer me distractions, but the Spirit will help me fight against those temptations to avoid doing what I should be doing. The reflection quoted the following Scripture that clarified the point the Lord was making to me, For the flesh has desires against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; these are opposed to each other, so that you may not do what you want (Galatians 5:17).

As I read on, I felt the Lord continuing to speak to me through the reflection when I read, I am going into this with you for your own good. I have no desire to place restrictions on you, but I do want to promote what is good, what will help you devote yourselves entirely to the Lord (NLT 1 Corinthians 7:35). I cannot imagine that not only has God revealed so many things to me today, He is also now explaining through Scripture why He told me what He did. He loves me so much that He is guiding me and He is also explaining the purpose for the guidance He is giving. How could I not listen?

REFLECTION 3

The Almighty’s discipline do not reject.

Job 5:17

07/04/10

God loves us all unconditionally, so we must, in return, love and give ourselves unconditionally to Him. However, sometimes we fall short. I fell short for the last two weeks during this summer. During this time, God gently nudged me because I was not taking the time that I should to write; as a result, I obediently began writing again. Regrettably, I then became consumed with my teaching and my parish commitments, so I stopped writing yet again. A few days ago, I went to spend time with Jesus in Blessed Sacrament. While praying before Jesus, He told me many beautiful and uplifting things through my books of daily reflections, but I went home and made no attempt to write because on Sundays I often feel like just relaxing. I did not listen to Him and by my actions I showed Him that I did not care about what He had said to me with such great love and in such great detail. I returned to visit Him again in the Blessed Sacrament the following day, Monday, and His nudge turned into a reprimand. Sitting before Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament creates special moments where Jesus and I communicate with each other—I pray and offer up my intentions to Him, and He replies through the various readings I engage in after my prayers. The Blessed Sacrament is our secret meeting place. This is where He gave me a strong message through Scripture about my current writing situation.

On that Monday, as I sat before Jesus and opened one of my books of daily reflections, the words that tore into my flesh like a bullet were the words from Psalm 50:17: You hate discipline; / you cast my words behind you! That hurt! The reflection went on to say that we get easily distracted by the secular world and forget to keep our commitments as disciples. I have been very distracted over the past two weeks because I have been engrossed with World Cup Soccer, which has been dominating the television this summer. This is the major reason why I have not been writing. Soccer has been my lifelong passion; now it is competing with my new passion, serving God.

Though throughout the summer I have kept my daily commitment of attending Mass each morning and of visiting Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament as much as is possible, I have neglected my call to write for the Lord. I rationalized my not writing in two ways: I have been too busy with teaching and I have been experiencing vertigo (dizziness). Nonetheless, I have had the time for soccer. I was reminded today, through one of my books of daily reflections, of the true meaning of the word disciple. The word disciple comes from the word discipline. For me to be a true disciple of Christ, I need to grow in discipline, so I need to be open to suffering. Suffering for me is sitting in front of the computer locked away behind closed doors when what I really want is to be outside of the house just doing what I want to do. I love the outdoors, but writing necessitates my being indoors. Jesus is teaching me that I have to choose to suffer now so that I can enjoy the blessings that will come later on, rather than enjoy life now and suffer differently later on.

Nevertheless, I am fighting against doing what I want to do and what I know the Spirit is leading me to do. This battle is not unique to me. Saint Paul explains the solution to this battle, I drive my body and train it, for fear that, after having preached to others, I myself should be disqualified (1 Corinthians 9:27). This is what I need to do. I need to discipline myself. Regarding this matter, God had not yet finished speaking with me because I learned from the same book of daily reflections that today is the feast day of Saint Irenaeus, and he was known for fighting against the evils of his day by writing. God has entrusted me with the same task of fighting against the evils of secularism through my writing because it will allow me to prove to the world that God exists, that He loves us, and He communicates with us every day using countless means. All we need is the discipline to seek Him and the faith to discover His voice. Still sitting before Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament, I opened the Bible to begin reading the book of Isaiah. As I began reading, God confirmed that He was indeed speaking to me when I read these words, Hear the word of the LORD … / Listen to the instruction of our God (Isaiah1:10). God did not have to shout at me any louder than this. I got the message.

When I started drawing closer to the Lord about fourteen years ago, I had a burning desire to be with Him night and day. Thus, I would go to visit Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament every day and also spend many nights in Adoration. Specifically, I would spend every Friday night with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament at a church that was far away from where I lived. However, it was the closest church to me that was open all night on Fridays for anyone to come in and adore Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. It was about one hour away from my home, and though I could barely afford to put gas in my car, I made the sacrifice to go because of the wonderful experiences I had when I visited Jesus there. As a sacrifice, I would spend a great deal of time on my knees while praying. I would also meditate, complain, praise, beg, or do anything needed to be done so that I would be heard. Of course, at other times I simply slept because I was just too tired to pray. I used to also spend a lot of my time reading Scripture because God communicated with me in a powerful way through the words of Scripture. He answered my prayers, gave me words of advice, revealed truths to me, admonished me, thanked me, spoiled me, and uplifted me. He was the one person in the world whom I could count on to be there for me whenever I needed someone, always waiting to listen to me, to speak to me, and to help me.

Despite the wonderful relationship I have developed with the Lord over the years, I have not maintained it as I should. Since I have gotten married, I have stopped reading Scripture as I should, and I have also stopped spending quality time with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. I have continued to visit Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament almost every day, but I only say my daily prayers and leave because I am always in a rush to get other things done. I rarely take the time to listen to Him speak to me through Scripture or other books. Overall, I spend little to no time reading Scripture or nurturing my relationship with the Lord.

As I continued to sit before Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament on that Monday reflecting on how my relationship with Him has changed, I finally decided that I must spend quality time with Him reading His word. I thus turned to the book of Philippians. Here I read many things that touched me, but some things, more than others, had special meaning to me, such as the following:My eager expectation and hope is that I shall not be put to shame in any way, but that with all boldness, now as always, Christ will be magnified in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me life is Christ, and death is gain (Philippians 1:20–21) and For to you has been granted, for the sake of Christ, not only to believe in him but also to suffer for him (Philippians 1:29).

These verses had an impact on me because the Lord was reminding me that He called me to writing and this was my duty, especially at this moment when I am feeling lazy and I am not writing as I should. I must be full of courage and must put all my energy into serving Christ, so that He can be magnified through my writing. I need to realize that my writing is a special privilege because it is my way of serving the Lord.

Next, Jesus surprised me when He announced, Therefore, my brothers, whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, in this way stand firm in the Lord, beloved … Rejoice in the Lord always. I shall say it again: rejoice! (Philippians 4:1, 4). Then He added, I rejoice greatly in the Lord that now at last you revived your concern for me. You were, of course, concerned about me but lacked an opportunity (Philippians 4:10). Amazing! Jesus was telling me through these words of Scripture that He missed me. He was also telling me how much He was happy because I had finally taken the time to come before Him in the Blessed Sacrament to purely read His word, listen to His voice, and enjoy being in His company. He wanted me to know that this is how I stand firm in my life in the Lord—by taking the time to listen to His word. His loving words revealed that He missed me yet He understood that I did not stop caring. My problem was not having the opportunity. Due to my hectic schedule, I could not find the time to just sit and read before Him and to listen to His voice.

Taking the time to read the Scriptures and to listen to the Lord’s voice made me think much more about being a voice for Him through my own writing. I need to take my writing seriously because the Lord is speaking through me. He is using me, as He has used so many, to be His voice in this world in the same way He uses us to be His hands and His feet. I am not a prophet, visionary, or the like. I am just an insignificant person who was asked by God to take the time to record some of the events of my life so that others can learn from my experiences and thus come to understand the Lord, His love, and His mercy much better.

How ungrateful I have been! Jesus has been wooing me with such loving words and expressions of thankfulness and inspirations in connection with my call to write for Him, yet I still have an indifferent attitude. I do not take the time to write every day. Today is the Fourth of July, so I should be thankful for the blessings I have, especially that of being able to live in a country where I enjoy absolute freedom such as the freedom to worship the Lord when and how I want to. I also have the blessing of enjoying security knowing there are legal, law enforcement, and social systems that are there to help me whenever I am in need just as the Lord is a security to me whenever I have a need. Consequently, I should also think of the ways I need to give back for all these and other blessings that I have received from God. One way the Lord has called me to give back is through my writing, but I have not been very faithful to my writing, so He is justified in showing His disapproval when necessary.

At Mass today, the day that I am writing this reflection, God took the time to lovingly remind me that He is still waiting on me to take my responsibility of writing on His behalf seriously. The song we sang today during the Liturgy of the Eucharist said, in summary, I have a road for you to take; I have a cross for you to bear; How long will I have to keep asking you before you answer; I will be your strength for the journey. The homily by my pastor also said, in summary, the following:

Being a citizen means being faithful to what you have been given and to what you have been asked. Do not be angry when you are asked to give back. Do not choose a social life over your mission. You need to be faithful to your mission. Unless you are a good citizen in this life here on earth, you will not win citizenship in Heaven, so let us give back in our jobs, in church, in various ways of service.

This song and homily really motivated me. Days had passed by without me writing anything. This is not because I could not find the time to write. I have just made myself busy with unnecessary things. I have been asked to walk the road of a writer for God—to be His voice. This is a heavy cross to bear because it means that I have very little free time. When I am not teaching at various colleges online and face-to-face, grading student papers, or tutoring students, I must be writing. I want to do relaxing and fun things at times, but I do not have the time for them. Sometimes this bothers me.

However, God is reminding me today that He will be my strength for the journey. He is also reminding me that I must give back because I have received much from Him in terms of the spiritual gifts described in 1 Corinthians 12:4–11: wisdom, faith, discernment, and so on. Hence, I must give back to others from what I have received. Luke 12:48 also reminds me of this simple truth, Much will be required of the person entrusted with much, and still more will be demanded of the person entrusted with more.

REFLECTION 4

Walk exactly in the way I command you, so that you may prosper.

Jeremiah 7:23

09/03/10

Writing is a constant struggle for me. I am torn between my commitment to my students as an English professor, which is the job that provides me with an income, and with my commitment to writing, which is my joy and which will bring me spiritual reward. I know that both my teaching and my writing are part of God’s plan for my life and are part of my life’s mission. However, because I am directly accountable to my students and to the deans of the English departments at the colleges where I teach, I give my all to my teaching. My writing makes me accountable to God Himself, but because He is not physically visible in my world enforcing the rules that control when and how much I write, I take my commitment to Him for granted. I often say to myself, God will understand; He knows I have a lot of things to do for school. Subsequently, I constantly put off writing even when God sends me warnings and when He reprimands me. These last few weeks have been a very good example of this tug-of-war between God and me regarding my writing. I have made previous entries about the many times God spoke to me and nudged me to or reprimanded me for not writing. Unbelievably, after all those warnings I have still been disobedient. I did not realize until yesterday that because I have been sowing the seeds of disobedience I have consequently started reaping its consequences.

About two months ago, I received several warnings from God about not writing yet did not write as I should have. Not long after that, I encountered several adversities. Out of nowhere, I developed vertigo. It started when a tote fell off of a shelf in my garage and hit me on the head. The vertigo was so terrible that it interfered with my daily functions. Teaching itself became a problem because I was dizzy all the time in class and that made me irritable and frustrated. I became incapacitated. As my summer classes ended, I planned for my annual vacation with my husband. I was still suffering from vertigo, but I had done all the necessary tests to determine what was causing it. I was happy to know that at least I was close to a solution. Though I had not yet received the results of my tests, I left for my vacation very happy. As I arrived to where my husband and I were going, I noticed a small spot on my lower left arm. It was the size of a pencil eraser and it looked like a rash. I showed it to my husband (who is in the medical field) and he reassured me that it was nothing to worry about. However, by the third day of the vacation, it became the size of a nickel; by the end of the vacation, it was bigger than a quarter. I began to get worried. As my husband and I returned home, we immediately went to my primary care doctor and he called in a prescription for an antifungal cream because he diagnosed me as having ringworm. I started using the prescribed cream, but I saw limited results. I was then prescribed an antifungal oral medication. The day before I began the oral medication, I noticed other little spots all over my lower arms; they were just like the little rashlike circle I saw when I first developed this fungal infection. They then appeared on my legs.

I began feeling like Job in the Bible, who was afflicted with many different things at the same time. I have always been self-conscious about my skin, so having a rash on my arms and legs was a big deal for me. Not to mention, I am obsessed with hygiene; I am always washing my hands and sanitizing everything before I use it. I used to think that people who develop any type of infection are not hygienic. What an irony for me! Therefore, this affliction hit right at the core of what I criticize, despise, and judge people for. Even more, I was not able to serve at Mass as an Extraordinary Minister of the Eucharist because I felt that touching and giving the Body of Christ to others was inappropriate as my arms were infected. I know that the Body of Christ, in the form of the Holy Eucharist, is the most healing substance that exists on the face of this earth. I likewise believe that in Jesus’s presence no sickness can be transmitted. Still, I know that as human beings we must be vigilant and wise when we make decisions, especially those that affect other people. I am well aware that not all Catholics have the same level of faith regarding the power of the Holy Eucharist, which could never be an agent of contagion.

I felt in my heart that I was suffering the consequences of not being obedient to God. I could not serve God in His house at holy Mass, a gift and an honor that was given to me, which was now taken away. I could not go into public without being conscious that people were seeing the blotches on my arms. Also, I could not touch my husband, not even hug him, because the infections were contagious. Neither could I even lie in bed facing him to chat at nights before I slept, which I look forward to doing every night, because my vertigo bothered me more when I put my head in that position on the pillow. As such, we had to speak in bed without looking at each other. I could not go to the gym nor could I exercise, and sit-ups were definitely out of the question. Everything I enjoyed doing became a problem.

Being confined to the house by force, I started writing again. Knowing I needed a little motivation, I decided to choose a scripture card from one of my boxes of scripture cards, so I could hear the voice of God. I asked God to speak to me about my ailments, to tell me what He wanted me to know about why I was experiencing all of these health issues. To no surprise, I randomly selected a Scripture from the book of Job: Submit to God, and you will have peace; then things will go well for you (NLT 22:21). Again, God has made Himself clear to me: I must be obedient to Him, for when I am not, consequences arise. My consequences are the little physical ailments/crosses I must bear that take away my peace. When we obey, things fall into place in our lives, unless God sends crosses for other reasons, such as for spiritual growth.

Two months have passed by and I have continued to be disobedient to God because I am still not writing consistently. I am surrounding myself with the distractions of working/teaching and with entertaining family members who have come into town to visit. Earlier on today, I went to visit Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament, and as I sat before Him, I offered up my prayers (a meditation on His Passion and death) asking Him to make me write. I said, I cannot do it without your help. Push me to do it. As I finished my prayer, I opened one of my books of daily reflections to hear God’s voice. The reflection began with a Scripture taken from the reading used for the daily Mass today. It read as follows: Take care, then, how you hear (Luke 8:18). I knew God was about to give me a lecture once I heard those words. The reflection continued by saying that every morning God is waiting for us to hear His Word, but for the Lord to give us His Word, we must open ourselves to receive it by either going to Mass daily or by reading the Bible. In this way, God will give revelations through His Word. Then, having received His revelations, we are called to share them with others. Importantly, we should not stifle these revelations by hiding them under a bushel basket (Matthew 5:15) due to our complacency, laziness, fear, or even selfishness.

If we take God’s revelations and bring them to the light by sharing them with others, the Lord will continue to bless us daily with more of His Word and revelations. Examples of some types of revelations God gives to us through His Word were stated in the reflection I read as I sat in the Blessed Sacrament: insights, teachings, nourishment, encouragement, confirmation, prophesy, and conviction. If we expose ourselves to the light of Christ, God will allow His light to shine through us. I recognize that God was making something clear to me—I have to allow myself to be His instrument. My hands and my mind have to be used willingly, and my writings have to be done willingly for the glory of God. I go to Mass daily, I read my Bible daily, and I receive some of those revelations stated above daily. God is giving me the material I need to write. All He is asking me to do is to write about these revelations. How hard can this be? Why am I being so selfish? I am making the time He has given me my time even though it is His time because He controls all time. He moreover decides when my time on this earth will end.

Tonight, I went to a Mass being celebrated for all who are sick. It was celebrated by a visiting priest to my Archdiocese. He began his homily by saying,

Everything we get is a gift from God, and if we don’t use it we will lose it … When God gives us light through His word, teachings, healing, and so on, we have to let it shine. We bury this light when we become complacent. Surrender and let the light shine through you. The reward is great, but the road is not easy. You need to find time for what is important. Even if you are tired and you can’t go on, remember that Jesus gave us a special gift, all of us: We have the privilege to share in His sufferings.

This was a confirmation of everything the Lord had said to me as I sat before Him in the Blessed Sacrament earlier today. I need to surrender my time, my desire for some relaxation, and the opportunities I get to do what everyone else is doing. Even some of my time spent with family has to be a sacrifice. I need to find time for the most important thing that God has prepared me for and entrusted me with—writing on His behalf.

Then, to ensure that I really heard Him loud and clear, God told me of the beauty and privilege involved in serving Him when the choir at Mass began to sing the song, To Be The Body. Some of the lyrics sung were as follows:

Chorus

To be the body of the Lord in this world

To have His Spirit coursing through my soul

To know the passion of my Jesus in His love for every man

To show His mercy in the shadows of this land

Come, walk with me; come share my life

You must know the shadows, if you would know the light.

The Lord has clearly invited me to be His body, His eyes, His ears, His voice in this world. He wants me to allow His Spirit to work through me so that I can be a source of His mercy, hope, light, and peace to others through my writing. He has invited me to share His life; in so doing, I will experience both sufferings and joys. Most importantly, He wants me to share His destiny. What an honor! What an invitation! What more can I want in life? My response to God is, Lord I am yours. Use me and give me a spirit of obedience to know, accept, and to follow your plan for my life. All for you, my dearest Savior, I surrender all to you.

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Updated Entry (10/10/2014)

As I am reviewing and editing the reflection entry above for publication almost four years after I wrote it, I found myself contemplating the life of Jonah. The Lord sent Jonah on a mission with these words, "Set out for the great city of Nineveh, and preach against it; for their wickedness has come before me" (Jonah 1:2). In disobedience, Jonah made ready to flee to Tarshish, away from the LORD (Jonah 1:3). We all know most of the rest of the story. Jonah boarded a boat heading for Tarshish, but the Lord sent a storm that threatened to destroy the boat. The captain of the boat and the men onboard became concerned that maybe their lives were in danger since Jonah was running away from the Lord. They knew this because Jonah had told them. Therefore, to avoid the boat being destroyed by the storm, Jonah told them to throw him overboard. Once in the water, Jonah was swallowed up by a big fish. He stayed in the belly of the fish for three days. After he had offered up a prayer of repentance while in the belly of the fish, the Lord allowed the fish to then vomit him out. Jonah finally set out to accomplish the mission the Lord had for him, Jonah set out for Nineveh, in accord with the word of the LORD (Jonah 3:3). As a result, the king and all of Nineveh turned away from their evil ways. His mission was thus fruitful.

At the point in my life when I wrote the reflection entry I am now editing, I was like Jonah running away from the mission the Lord called me to. Ultimately, I suffered the consequences for my actions (or inaction) just as Jonah did. The Lord, however, does not count up our acts of disobedience or wicked deeds; instead, Psalm 145:8 tells us, The LORD is gracious and merciful, / slow to anger and abounding in mercy."

REFLECTION 5

"Eye has not seen, and ear has not heard, …

what God has prepared for those who love him."

1 Corinthians 2:9

10/18/10

I have started writing more regularly, but I am conscious of the fact that I am still not writing enough. Last Saturday I went to Mass at one of the parishes that I regularly attend. A visiting priest to that parish celebrated the Mass. He prayed specifically for the blessing of more vocations in that parish. As he began the Mass, he said, Everyone has a mission. Have you thought about what your mission is? You need to pray for two things: First, for God to reveal to you what your mission is, and second, for Him to give you the grace to follow His will. Later on, he gave a homily on why we should live our entire lives in mission for God. To ponder on life as solely a mission is quite incredible. Though I have known this and am already living a mission for God in a different way, these words mean more to me now because they are a direct reminder from God. I feel as if He is saying to me that more than working and earning money, I need to work for Him—I need to write more. My life is complicated: I need to work to live in this secular world, but I also need to work for God to live in His world—spiritual eternity. How do I keep a balance? I struggle with this daily. Today, as I was leaving the college where I teach, I casually glanced at a bumper sticker on the car in front of me. It read, The meaning of life is to find meaning in life. Yet again, I saw God speaking to me through these words. I pondered, What is the meaning of my life if I have no true joy in all that I do except when I write for God? What is the meaning of my life right now? My life is full of deadlines, commitments, and people pulling at me from different directions. At times, I just want to run as far as I can from everyone and everything. So, now I ask myself, Does my life have meaning?

I came home tonight and decided to spend my night writing. To feel God’s presence with me as I write, I decided to play a movie I recorded a few weeks ago, Brother Sun and Sister Moon, which is the story of Saint Francis and Saint Clare of Assisi. As I write this reflection, I am listening to and partially watching this movie. Not long into the movie, I had to just stop typing and watch the movie at the point where Franchesco (Saint Francis) decided to walk away from the only life he knew, a life of riches and of privilege. He literally stripped himself naked to be physically and symbolically free of everything that his rich and worldly father had given him so as to take on a new life wearing the clothes of the poor and the spiritual clothing of the Lord. As he stripped himself he said the following:

I was living in darkness before brother sun helped me to see the light. I want to be happy. I want to live like the birds in the sky. I want to experience the freedom and the purity that they experience. The rest is of no use to me. If the purpose of life is this loveless toil we fill our days with, then it’s not for me. There must be something better. Man is a spirit; he has a soul and that is what I want to recapture, my soul. I want to live without possessions, without shadows we call servants. I want to be a beggar; Christ was a beggar and His holy Apostles were beggars. I want to be as free as they are. What is born of the flesh is flesh; what is born of the Spirit is Spirit; I am born again.

These words reiterated some of the same feelings I held in my heart for a long time but could not put into words. I want something more than the life of routine I am living at present—working for money, buying nice things, wanting more and more, working more and more to get more, yet never being satisfied with worldly possessions. Writing is my freedom. When I write I feel as free as the birds in the sky; I feel as if I never want to stop. I do not grow tired. I have to force myself to stop. I do not want to store up riches on this earth. I dislike having to feel as if I am in constant competition with everyone to have what is newer and better. This is not me. I am simple: What you see is what you get. I have no pretense whatsoever. I want to live like Jesus and His Apostles did, relying solely on the Lord to provide. I want to recapture my soul that is lost in this world of television, consumerism, fashion, and keeping up appearances. I want to be born again in the Spirit.

As I continued listening to Franchesco speak in the movie, he added these words as he spoke to his friend Bernardo, who became his first convert:

If you want to live life free, take your time; grow slowly; do few things but do them well. Day by day, stone by stone, build your secret slowly; day by day you’ll grow too, you’ll know Heaven’s glory … If you want your dream to be built, build it slow and surely … heartfelt work grows purely.

Bernardo then replied to Franchesco:

You abandoned the life that you once loved so much; you were looking for a new purpose, a new meaning. You are right of course … The emptiness, the dissatisfaction I feel. I feel stifled by my past, by my upbringing; nothing means anything to me anymore.

These words were powerful because they spoke to me about my writing ministry. I know I must write daily so that page by page (stone by stone) I can build a book and then another and another. I want to accomplish the dream of writing for the Lord, of bringing His words to the ears, minds, and hearts of as many people as possible. I am eager to write, but I do not get the time to do it daily, and this frustrates me. However, I am reminded that I need to do it daily and page by page it will build into something wonderful. The emptiness and dissatisfaction I feel with the life of routine I live, with the life and culture I left behind in the country of my birth, Trinidad and Tobago, with the life I lived before I developed a closer relationship with the Lord, has come about because nothing in this world means anything to me anymore. I find joy in nothing but being with the Lord and in doing His work. I am indeed looking for a new purpose in this existence we call life, and I know I can find it only in service to others because of my love of God. My writing is just one form of service that can bring new meaning to my life.

I need only to surrender and to step out in faith in believing that if God has given me this feeling and this calling, He will work all things together for the good, for my good and for His good. He will provide for me and take care of all my needs if I give my time to Him. In my mind I prayed, Father, please, I beg You to give me the grace to give myself and my time completely to you in faith and trust that you will take care of me. Before I could even put this prayer on paper (because they were still in my thoughts), I heard Franchesco saying in the movie (which kept on playing while I was writing):

O Come and let yourself be built as living stones into a spiritual temple … What good is your life to you if your riches bring you no peace of mind? We are all poor in the eyes of Our Lord. Mary is mercy; Jesus is joy … Look at the birds in the air—they do not sow or reap or store in barns. How little faith you have—you ask, ‘What are we to eat? And what are we to drink?’ … Store your treasures in Heaven. Where your treasure is there will your heart be.

God heard my silent prayer and responded to me through the voice of Franchesco (Saint Francis) before I even uttered one word!

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Updated Entry (09/14/11)

Currently, as I am editing the reflection entry I made above almost one year ago, I am amazed at how much the Lord is speaking to me through my own writing. The feast of Saint Dominic was a few days ago. I e-mailed a friend a reflection for that day, which I found in one of my books of daily reflections. The reflection ended with a quote about the ideal of Saint Dominic, which was, to speak only of God or to God. This is also my feeling. As I mentioned in my entry above, I have no desire for anything or anyone unless they are connected to God. If I am not praying, serving the Lord or others, my life feels empty and meaningless. I relate well to the Scripture, My soul longs for you, O God (Psalm 42:2). I am happiest when I am speaking to God in prayer, speaking about God to others, or when I am around people who are speaking about God. When I attend a social event, if I do not have the opportunity to bring God into it, I become bored and I feel out of place. When I e-mailed my friend, I told her that a thought came across my mind when I read about Saint Dominic’s ideal: I had spent five years at a Catholic high school that was named after Saint Dominic. Saint Dominic had his hands on me from since then and was teaching me to choose God even before I was old enough to fully grasp what I was doing and why, or before I had any concept of what a true, deep, meaningful spiritual life was.

For the first few years I spent at Saint Dominic’s Convent high school, from age eleven until about fourteen, I voluntarily spent my every lunch hour in the convent (which shared the same grounds with the school) praying the Rosary with the nuns, some of whom also taught at the high school. In this Rosary group, I met an eighty-something-year-old Polish nun who gave me my first Rosary beads (by no coincidence red and white in color—the colors of Divine Mercy) and my first copy of the Divine Mercy prayers revealed to Sister Faustina by Jesus Himself. This was more than twenty years before Sister Faustina became Saint Faustina. I did not know anything about her or of her Diary back then, but by what can only be explained as a Godincidence, the first book I bought when I moved to the United States, about fifteen years after receiving my first Divine Mercy prayers, was the Diary of Sister Faustina.

However, though I had read about only one-quarter of the Diary over the years since I bought it, about six months ago I truly devoted more time to reading it. Through this amazing book, I hear the Lord speaking to me through the words of Sister Faustina because every time I take it up to read, the topic of her entry is always focused on exactly the situation I am facing at the same time. Again, by no coincidence, my more committed daily reading of this Diary began at the same time the Lord spoke to me through a story I was reading in another book saying, This is it; you need to complete your book now. This testifies to me that Saint Faustina herself has become an advocate and patron for my writing. She showed me that, like her, I have to struggle with other commitments, disturbances, and people not understanding my mission, but I must overcome these through prayer and sacrifice and accomplish my work for the Lord. She has motivated me in my daily efforts at writing.

As I thought back on my years of growing up even further, I recognized even more Godinciences. The Church that was situated right next to the high school I attended was Saint Theresa’s Roman Catholic Church. Though I went to school right next to this church for many years, I never knew the name of the church until about four years ago when my mother mentioned it. I suppose I was too young at the time to care about such details. I was absolutely amazed when I found out the name for two reasons. First, as soon as I had left high school, I fell into the wrong crowd and I went astray for a few years. However, when I started college to begin my studies in the field of Education, I met a girl in one of my classes who gave me a copy of the Twenty-Four Glory Be’s Novena to Saint Thèrése of Lisieux, the Little Flower. I started saying the Novena every month, and every month, as promised by Saint Thérèse in this Novena, she sent me a rose through various sources as a sign that what I had prayed for would be granted. I grew very close to Saint Thérèse, and she became the first Saint I developed a relationship with. I did not know then that she had already taken me under her wings years before when I was still in high school as I spent many mornings in the church yard beneath her watchful eyes waiting for school to begin.

Moreover, I never thought about why, from the first year of high school at age eleven, I was drawn to saying the Rosary daily with the nuns. No one ever motivated me to do it nor forced me to. This was just something