Addiction—God’S Healing: For God’S Purpose, He Chose to Rescue This Codependent Alcoholic

By Duly Noted

I was just your run-of-the-mill alcoholic who God saw fit to rescue! For close to forty years, I struggled with addiction, and as time went on, it always got worse quicker and got more intense after any period of clean time. It was not until this unprofessional writer put God like I never had him before in my life and also after a proven twelve-step program that I was able to get and stay soberone day at a time. I was bankrupt in all waysfinancially, emotionally, mentally (at times I couldnt remember my name), and almost spiritually. I turned a perfectly good life into a perfect messby choice. Why? I ended up at a few homeless shelters. Family and friends were asking (begging) me to get out of my hometown, Buffalo, New York, because I was going to die as the whole city turned into a people, places, and things place that people are warned about in recovery. Today I tell God, people at recovery meetings, family, and friends, I have the best life of anybody I know, and I believe it! God gets and deserves all the glory, all the honor, and all the praise that my family and friends give to me. God blessed me with one grandchild (daughter) and another one on the way. At recovery meetings, they say, Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. That is so true! According to Matthew 6:33, Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added onto you. Thank you! God bless you!

Glenn

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Feb 21, 2018
• ISBN: 9781532031847

Duly Noted

I was in NEED for help from God-Spirituality, help in addiction-recovery, help in recovering from a painful (codependent) relationship, help in loneliness, depression and or self-pity and finding a purpose for their life. I turned a perfectly good life into a perfect mess. I was a popular, outgoing person, a guy with many friends and a loving family who, because of addiction, isolated myself because I was too embarrassed to be seen. At the end I ended up using 24-7 and living to use and using (actually dying) to live. I didnt know how sick I (really) was until I got well and stayed well-one day at a time. I often said years later, I know what I was feeling but I dont know what I was thinking. Now I say, I know what I am thinking and dont feel like I once did about (many) people, places and things.

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Copyright © 2018 Glenn R. Whelan.

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ISBN: 978-1-5320-3183-0 (sc)

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iUniverse rev. date:   02/20/2018

CONTENTS

Preface

For God’s Purpose, He Chose To Rescue This Codependent Alcoholic

Poor Me

Finally Content

Said And Done

Confrontation

Hopes

Surrender

What Condition Is My Condition In?

Obstacles

Who Knows Me

The Lost Chapter

Foolish Dreaming

Decisions, Decisions

Unconditional Love Gone Bad—Famous Final Scene

Sobriety—Life Keeps Getting Better

There Is A Solution

PREFACE

After close to forty years of suffering from untreated alcoholism, my mother on her deathbed said, I am sick and tired of your behavior. I think a lot of other people were sick and tired of my behavior also. I don’t dwell on the past, but that is one heck of a thing I have to live with. I am going into my sixth year of sobriety. I still have thoughts (flashbacks) of how I didn’t realize how sick I was until I got sober and stayed sober - one day at a time - to realize how sick I really was.

Somehow I wrote this book. I didn’t have any intention of ever writing a book, but since God is in control of everything, He saw fit that I did. I guess it kind of started when I did a fourth step in the recovery twelve-step program. Since I didn’t do what was suggested and let go absolutely, I did a few fourth steps that states, Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. The fourth step is to show us not only the bad stuff about us but also the good stuff. I didn’t have any problem finding my character defects and shortcomings. However, I did have a problem finding the good in my life. I was and still am grateful for many things, but I had (and still might have) a hard time with the things deep down inside me. I know I’m not a bad guy; people seem to like me and enjoy being around me. I’ve heard that many alcoholic-addicts feel like I do, and that is on the outside looking in. I participate in many activities, and it is probably just me, but when I get to these activities, I usually don’t end up socializing much. I know I have okay communication skills, but in a group setting, where there is what I consider small talk, I’d rather not participate. That’s just what I do, and I am finally okay with the discomfort. I know I am not all that and a bag of chips.

I started to journal, as people suggested I do in recovery. That was one suggestion I took early in my recovery process. It is a mystery to me why it took me so long to take other suggestions. I also started to watch and listen to spiritual messages, including ones where the Bible was used. I hadn’t read much, except the sports page, but when I got into recovery and started going to church, I found myself reading and even enjoying reading, including the Bible. For years I didn’t have God in my life. I’m not sure how I got God in my life, but I do know I was going to die physically in my addiction. I like to talk about God and His PPP, which is God’s plan and purpose are perfect. Romans 5:8: But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. The Bible teaches that God’s purpose cannot be derailed or denied. He is all-powerful!

When I first started working on this book, around fourteen years ago, I had no idea that God could and would do for me what I couldn’t do for myself. That is one of the promises in the ninth step. I tell people that they are not wishes or hopeful thinking but promises! In 2 Peter 3:9, it says, The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some count slackness, but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance.

I spent several years on and off in a homeless shelter in Buffalo, New York. I joined the Discipleship Program, and everything we said had to be backed up with the Bible. I thought, Great, just great. You want me to read the Bible, and what I say has to be in the Bible? Then somehow I ended up in front of many people in the Discipleship Program and shared my experience, strength, and hope, backed up with Bible scripture. Somehow I did it, and I don’t know how well I did, and maybe I didn’t do the best, but I did my best.

This book can help anyone who is bankrupt, heartbroken, an alcoholic-addict, codependent on another person or drug, or spiritually dead get well and stay well. God saw fit to rescue me from many years of misery due to chemical addiction and then a (severely) broken heart. I was in need of help from God—help with addiction-recovery, help recovering from a painful (codependent) relationship, help with loneliness, depression, self-pity, and finding a purpose for life. I turned a perfectly good life into a perfect mess. I was a popular, outgoing person, a guy with many friends and a loving family. Because of addiction, I isolated myself because I was too embarrassed to be seen. At the end, I ended up using 24-7 and living to use and using (actually dying) to live. I didn’t know how sick I really was until I got well and stayed well—one day at a time. I often said years later, I know what I was feeling, but I don’t know what I was thinking. Now I say, I know what I am thinking and don’t feel like I once did about many people, places, and things. I was just your run-of-the-mill alcoholic-addict who God saw fit to rescue! I struggled with addiction, and as time went on, it got worse more quickly and intensely after any period of clean time. It was not until I put God in my life like I never had before, and a proven twelve-step program, that I was able to get and stay sober—one day at a time. I was bankrupt in all ways—physically, financially, emotionally, mentally (at times I couldn’t remember my name), and almost spiritually. I ask myself these days, What was so wrong in my life that I had to hide from reality? Maybe it was, as they call it in the rooms of recovery, living life on life’s terms.

I heard recently at a meeting, I was in a toxic relationship that just made me sicker. I added my two cents to that: I was in a toxic relationship that just made me sicker by choice! Some are sicker than others, as they say in the rooms of recovery.

It states in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Half measures have availed us nothing. I was the king of half measures. I tried some of God and some of AA. I tried God, and I tried AA but not together. It was not until I put God and the proven twelve-step program together that I had success getting sober and staying sober—one day at a time.

I put myself through quite a bit in my sixty-two years here on earth. I’ve learned a lot of painful lessons from the infamous school of hard knocks. I spend a lot of time with myself, but I am never alone because God is with me always. I think God answers my prayers based on how sincere He sees they are and how desperate I am. In spite of myself, I am grateful. Things might not seem so wonderful at the time, but I know it is good for me in the long run. Romans 8:28: And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. I often tell God and people at meetings, I have the best life of anybody I know, and I believe it!

In my final days of my active addiction, what the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous calls pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization, my family members and friends were begging me to get out of my hometown, Buffalo, New York, because I was going to die physically, as the whole city turned into what people are warned about in recovery. When I speak at recovery meetings and give a testimony at church, I tell people about this moment of clarity in my last days of using.

Here is a quote from Abraham Lincoln that I like and can identify with: I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had no where else to go. My own wisdom and that of all about me seemed insufficient for that day. Mother Teresa said, Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty. My friend Pastor Mike said, There is nothing sadder than the tears of a clown in the dark. I was drinking and getting drunk by myself, in extreme physical and spiritual loneliness. I was sitting in the dark and crying, looking at the snow fall against the streetlight. I was bankrupt and had no place to go, humanly speaking, for help. It was at that moment that the willingness to change became greater than the pain to remain the same. I also realized then that what I thought was depression in reality was self-pity, and I said, What am I doing to myself and people who love me?

Today I tell God, people at recovery meetings, family, and friends, I have the best life of anybody I know, and I believe it! Today, God gets and deserves all the glory, all the honor, and all the praise. God blessed me with two wonderful daughters, who even talk to me these days, and with two grandchildren. At recovery meetings, they say, Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. That is so true!

I hope and pray whoever reads this book will be helped with addiction and that people don’t have to learn lessons the hard way like I did. I used a lot of Bible scriptures over and over, as I was taught to do at the Buffalo City Mission. I need to do things over and over to get them the long distance from my head to my heart. Here is one I used often: Matthew 6:33, But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Thank God He has supplied me with plenty!

It really is remarkable how, with a lot of help from God and a proven twelve-step program, my life has changed. My relationships with friends and family are wonderful again and just might be at an all-time high! I am capable of holding down a full-time job in the recovery field. I get to write a lot of spiritual recovery messages to people at the recovery place where I work, and people actually look forward to them. I finish each one with these words:

Be encouraged! Stay encouraged!

Get well! Be well! Stay well! One day at a time!

FOR GOD’S PURPOSE, HE CHOSE TO RESCUE THIS CODEPENDENT ALCOHOLIC

NOT GOD’S FAULT

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

Romans 7:18: For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find.

I was almost mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually dead from my addiction to alcohol. I reached, as it states in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. I read a quote from Abraham Lincoln that I absolutely love: I’ve been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go. My own wisdom, and that all about me, seemed insufficient for that moment.

I thought I had a pretty good game plan. This will be the first of many Bible scriptures I use to show how the Bible works in my life and can also work in your life. Proverbs 14:12: There is a way that seems right to a man, But its end is the way of death. There is a saying for addicts—One is too many, and a thousand is never enough. That is absolutely true for this alcoholic-addict. I was going to join my brother, Ken, for a Big East Basketball Tournament in New York City. I purchased five half pints of vodka to get me through the four basketball sessions. I didn’t want to be a complete mess. If I followed my game plan, with just a little discipline in my alcohol consumption, I would not experience the alcohol withdrawal that had become a daily occurrence. Proverbs 12:1: Whoever loves instruction loves knowledge, But he who hates correction is stupid. For this ex–active alcoholic, drinking alcohol with any kind of discipline is a hypocritical statement. Every time, for thirty-plus years, my decision to consume alcohol on a daily basis had just one purpose, and that was to get drunk. As I just typed that, I thought, What a terrible way to go through life, and shook my head in disgust.

I had about an eight-hour bus ride to the city that never sleeps. I thought a good part of my game plan would be to get intoxicated and sleep the duration of the bus ride. My plan was to have one of the half pints of vodka for the first session of games and one for the other three sessions. I did have my first bottle of vodka but not for the first session; rather it was sometime during the bus ride. That was not a big deal, right? Wrong! Not only did I consume the first bottle of vodka but also the second, third, fourth, and fifth bottles. I drank a whole liter of vodka, which was about thirty-three drinks, after already being intoxicated. I took the dare to add up the amount of alcohol I consumed and ended up with around fifty drinks in a short time. I am shaking my head again, asking myself, Fifty drinks?

I was in some serious alcohol trouble like I had never experienced in my entire drinking career. These pages are about what it was like, what happened, and what it is like now for this ex–active alcoholic to share his experience, strength, and hope. Yes, I do have hope today—and so much more with God. God in His great mercy and grace intervened in my self-destruction.

I arrived in New York City on time but not in the physical condition I had planned on. I was an absolute mess and did not even halfheartedly try to find my brother. I was not in any kind of physical condition to be considered anything good or worthy.

What a tragedy my life had become. If I’d had any desire to enjoy what could have been a wonderful weekend with my brother, it all went down the drain with my first drink. It is the first drink that gets the alcoholic drunk and not the hundreds afterward. I searched and found the closest watering hole to get myself into another bout of painful, incomprehensible demoralization. This insanity was doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Unfortunately, I took insanity to a different level: I knew what the results would be each and every time and went through with my destruction anyway. I was not in any kind of physical condition to consume any more of my liquid medication—or poison, as I consider it today—but did it anyway.

My sense of time became totally disorientated. What was supposed to be Sunday was Monday. Saturday, for all practical purposes, never existed. That Sunday became next Sunday. The next week from Monday to Saturday was lost. I called a friend the next Sunday and informed him that I just got back from the games. One of the few things I recall from that whole mess was what he said to me. He said, What are you talking about? You called me last Sunday.

Was it possible to spend a whole week in an alcoholic blackout and not die physically? I wondered that for the next year or two. The worst thing about that whole time is I thought I was doing just fine, which could stand for fickle, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. My normal living condition had become barely acceptable by human and society’s standards, if acceptable at all. The ripple effect from the negative consequences of my addiction may never end. Proverbs 5:14: I was on the verge of total ruin, In the midst of the assembly and congregation.

It was a dark day, and it is a dark night. There is a full bright moon, and I still seem to be always in the darkness. It seems forever. My life has been full of darkness by my own bad, undisciplined choices. I just read, Don’t allow the darkness of isolation to overpower you. The coffee shop was open, but I was the only one in there. Am I destined to be lonely forever? In active addiction, I have a tendency to isolate, which for this alcoholic is one of the worst things I can do. God, hear my prayer, please, for some sanity. You know my broken heart. Please show me just a little bit of light. My darkness only worsens with my rejection of Your love, Your forgiveness, and the goodness You have offered me by my own choice. Please help me not to compromise myself any longer. I cannot continue to walk on my picket fence in life. I cannot continue to live in the darkness of this world and have the goodness You offer me. I cannot have my cake and eat it too. Daily, I don’t know what to do or how to handle my self-rejection. What is wrong with me? Freedom, the revelation of what the cross was for. Jesus Christ has already done all the work for my freedom. Christ died for all of us sinners. John 3:16–17: For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.

Yet I do know what to do. Where can I go, and with whom can I talk? Who can possibly understand my thoughts and me? Am I always going to be in this darkness? Is it all meaningless? I have halfheartedly and wholeheartedly tried to help others and myself. Is it all futile? Job 22:13: And you say, ‘What does God know? Can He judge through the deep darkness?’

All I kept finding was more darkness and loneliness. I could not find any hope. I could not find or see any light. I could not find any more meaning for my life. When I thought I had lost it all, I lost more. I felt like Solomon, the wise king who wrote the book of Ecclesiastes. Ecclesiastes 1:14: I have seen all the works that are done under the sun; and indeed, all is vanity and grasping for the wind.

Somehow, I considered all this darkness and uncertainty a good thing. James 1:2–4, profiting from trials: My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.

What or where is the reality to all this? Is there any light at the end of the tunnel, or will the black hole be bottomless forever? Will I fall on my face time and time again, and will I be a failure forever? Anytime I thought I saw a little bit of light, it disappeared. I even fell in love and failed with that. Am I light-years away from any joy, or any peace, or anything good and worthy at all? I take one step forward and then two steps backward. This is my confusing, vicious growth cycle. I live in a fantasy world of unreality. Do I even know what true reality is? Plain and simple, in my sinful nature and my addiction, I fight reality. Colossians 2:17: Which are a shadow of things to come, but the substance is of Christ.

Does my heart measure up to my actions and behaviors? Am I accepted by what my words are? I have a lot of questions but not too many answers. How can someone reach out to somebody with unconditional love and with all the answers? Ask Jesus. Is there anybody out there? Is there anybody out there at all who can hear my tears? I went into spiritual battle and was defeated. I went back to spiritual boot camp and was overcome by the enemy, Satan. Was I defeated even before I tried to conquer my mountainous spiritual battle and my right to fall in love? How and where can I find the necessary equipment to fight my enemies? Where is the armor of God? Ephesians 6:10–13, the whole armor of God: Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

I have won a lot of battles in my life. I have also lost a lot of battles. Is or was it all meaningless? Will I someday win my ongoing struggles with me? Was I broken in love and defeated once and for all? Was it over, and was all I had lost forever? I was alone again, and I was back on my island of isolation. The loneliness was back in my life like never before. The music system was playing an Elton John song, Funeral for a Friend. I listened to that song over and over. My father lay helpless downstairs, dying from an incurable disease, Huntington’s chorea. I listened to that song, and the pain, tears, and fears were refreshed. I remember those feelings well as I drank my alcohol and tried to hide from reality. This never worked and always got worse! I looked out the window with tears and asked God, How, what, and why?

What’s the meaning of all of this? What is God’s purpose in all of this? I was defeated, but then again I was not defeated. Again I asked God, How, what, and why? My only answers are and were in my perseverance with the hope and faith and confidence I have in the Creator of the entire universe. Ecclesiastes 2:11–17:

But I looked at everything I worked so hard to accomplish, it was all meaningless. It was like chasing the wind. There was nothing worthwhile anywhere.

Yet I saw the wise and the foolish people have the same fate. Both of them die. Just as the fool will die, so will I. So of what value is my wisdom? Then I said to myself, This is all so meaningless! Then I looked on all the works that my hands had done. And on the labor in which I had toiled; And indeed all was vanity and grasping for the wind. There was no profit under the sun.

Then I turned myself to consider wisdom and madness and folly;

For what can the man do who succeeds the king?—Only what he has already done. Then I saw that wisdom excels folly As light excels darkness. The wise man’s eyes are in his head, But the fool walks in darkness. Yet I myself perceived That the same event happens to them all. So I said in my heart, As it happens to the fool, It also happens to me, And why was I then more wise? Then I said in my heart, This also is vanity. For there is no more remembrance of the wise than of the fool forever, Since all that now is will be forgotten in the days to come. And how does a wise man die? As the fool! Therefore I hated life because the work that was done under the sun was distressing to me, for all is vanity and grasping for the wind.

Was loving my special female friend meaningless? I don’t think so at all! Love is the greatest of them all, and regardless of the uncomfortable hurt and pain, it is and was better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all. Ecclesiastes 2:16: For the wise, like the fool, will not be long remembered; the days have already come when both have been forgotten. Like the fool, the wise too must die!

I know I will never forget my special female friend, and I don’t mind because it seems to be my fate. I do, however, pray that if it is God’s will that He brings a godly female into my life. Immediately after praying that, I say, But your love, grace, and mercy are sufficient enough. So what shall I do? I was defeated in loving somebody unconditionally, right? Not at all! I fought hard, really hard, because my broken heart and my addiction had become a matter of life and death. I did not give into Satan’s lies and deceptions. I weathered my storm, and I did not give up, even with my countless relapses into chemical dependency.

How did I weather my storm? I counted the costs in spite of myself, and I kept my eye on God, not perfectly. It always broke my heart to see her cry real tears when she would share some pretty tough stuff about her past. I realized I have freedom and victory over my addiction and all the other issues in my life with Jesus Christ! So I looked out my lonely window, I drank my coffee, I watched people walking by, and I counted my many blessings. My cup is overflowing with goodness that I never noticed before. God opened my eyes to reality. God has an awesome purpose for me, and I believe that wholeheartedly. Jeremiah 29:11–13: For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. God doesn’t want some of me or most of me; God wants all of me! All means all. I will wait and be patient for the direction He wants me to go, and I will continue to fight the good fight. Christ indeed paid the price for my freedom, and everything down here on earth is not meaningless. Hebrews 13:25: Grace be with you all. Amen.

This time the dream was different. It had more meaning than the using (drinking alcohol) dreams I had in the past. My special female friend tries to find flaws in the Bible. I say to her what it says in Proverbs 3:5–6: Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.

I question my sanity as far as why it took me so long to put my trust in God. Was my way of doing things working out? I will take it a step further and ask, in all my years of struggling with my life especially spiritually, did I ever acknowledge God at all? I’ve heard that addiction may be a spiritual problem, and where is a better place to have spiritual relief than with God? The best place to connect with God is church. In the proverb above, it mentions paths (plural), and I will compare that to how many decisions I make every day. With that being said, do I acknowledge God as much as I should in my decision making? I get so convicted when I ask myself questions that I already know the answer to.

In the book of Ecclesiastes, it states how many things are meaningless and are not worthwhile. I proved to my special female friend that the Bible did have a flaw.

In my using dream, I woke up physically shaking from the alcohol withdrawal symptoms, as in many using dreams I had before. I also had fear like I never had before. I feared because I did not think I would make it back from what the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous calls pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. I feared I would lose yet again everything I had gained back. Relationships, accountability, responsibility, trust, dependability, being sober minded, and a whole host of normal living skills could be lost. The peace, joy, being mostly content, and being able to look at myself in the mirror and be okay with who I see, being okay with my flaws and weaknesses, and the willingness to live in a righteous manner—these have the potential to be lost forever. Fear could stand for False Evidence Appearing Real. Fear is terrible, hindering, and crippling. I know people who have struggled with this and could not even leave their house because of their fear.

I want and will continue to dance with the one who brought me, who is God. I want to remember just how far down the scale I went in my life. I want to remember the pain, the remorse, the despair, the hopelessness, and the meaningless of what my life became. Did I miss any? I want to remember how lost I once was without my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I don’t want to be the person in James 1:23–24: For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was. Praise the Lord!

In the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, they say, Don’t leave until the miracle happens. Only by the grace and mercy of God have I been able to stay around. I wonder how many miracles God has done for me, especially in keeping me alive.

Today I am responsible and accountable enough to prepare and serve and clean as I go. I do this in the range of one hundred meals solely. I clean up the kitchen and eating area when it is time. I also am sober minded enough to fill out menus and order food in an efficient and economic manner. I am trusted with many keys in our Christian organization. I turn off the lights at the proper time, I am in control of the heat, I open up the school and the kitchen, and I close at the end of the day. I am the whole ball of wax. Romans 7:24–25: O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin.

Ironically, looking out the window at the coffee shop, the snow turned into rain, and I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. There are two songs by Guns and Roses that especially remind me of my special female friend. Those songs are November Rain and Don’t Cry. In my addiction, I was not capable of doing these things, and as a matter of fact, I wasn’t capable of doing much except staying in my addiction. Is that crazy or what? I may not be the best cook in the world, but nobody (I know of) has died from my cooking. On my first attempt at cooking a turkey dinner, I did not know which side of the turkey was up or down. Well I kind of messed things up and cooked the turkey upside down, and it blew up, but it was edible. They could have made a Three Stooges episode about that experience.

There were a bunch of guys, hundreds of guys I played with for many years. Was or am I the only one who suffered from alcoholism? Anyway, due to my alcoholism and my age, I am a shell of the player I once was. I stopped at a friend’s house, Glen G., who I played ball with a lot of those years. He knew of my struggles with alcohol and stayed by my side through thick and thin. He busted me. He said a few years back he saw me drinking beer in the back bushes of a convenience store. Sadly, it was eight in the morning, and I probably would have started drinking earlier, but I couldn’t buy beer until eight. He said that he was speechless and hurt because of what I was doing to myself. I said to him, I appreciate your concerns, but unless an alcoholic-addict like me wants help, unless the negative consequences become so severe, unless there is some meaning in their life, unless there is a true reason to get out of their mess, there is nothing another person can do to help him. I’ve heard that you can’t scare an alcoholic-addict into getting help to get sober. I believe that, and I know people who have died in active addiction. Unfortunately, at that time, I had become familiar with failure in my life. My comfort zone was in my alcoholism, and I was dying from it.

It must have been a long time since my lost weekend or the week that I ended up in the hospital for yet another alcohol-related detoxification. I haven’t thought about the pain of detox in quite a while. Maybe it is because it was such an ugly part of my life, but I do remember the pain of it all. Man oh man, yes indeed. What in the world was I doing to myself? What was I thinking? Sometimes I think in this manner when I think about my special female friend. I know what I was feeling, and that was love—and unconditional love at that—but what was I thinking! I realized finally that she was not the person I thought she was. After all this time, and it has been years, I still feel that I need to see her just one more time for much-needed closure. I do remember one time a nurse asked me, What is your name? As the tears came down my cheeks, I looked at her with a bewildered stare, puzzled, and said, I don’t know. It took me a long time just to remember my name.

Just for today and one day at a time, I am an ex–active alcoholic. People at AA meetings say once an alcoholic always an alcoholic, and if you don’t believe that, try to do some controlled drinking. With plenty of help from God, I put my alcoholism under arrest. God most certainly did for me what I could not or chose not to do for myself.

These writings are not done by any kind of professional writer, and if anyone reads them, they will agree. However, I do believe with all my heart they can be beneficial to any alcoholic-addict and anyone with a codependency issue. I shook my head as I typed that and said truthfully to myself, God, I still love that girl! This all started a while back as a fourth step in the AA program. However, at that time, I thought it was only about negative stuff and not any positive stuff. I still have a hard time finding good stuff about me. The fourth step states: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. The most prevalent problem with me was drinking alcohol. When I make the foolish choice to drink alcohol, I become a different person. I turn into someone I do not want to be, a drunk, and that sickens me. For the first time in my life, I am afraid and fear alcohol and what it took from me by my own stupid choice. Proverbs 1:7: The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, But fools despise wisdom and instruction.

In countless visits to the hospital to detox and several long-term programs, I must have not have accepted what the first step in the AA program states: we admitted we were powerless over our addiction—that our lives had become unmanageable. When I had a relapse, the pain and misery came back quicker, stronger, and worse each time. I believe that is why people say that the disease of addiction grows even in remission. My disease is doing pushups, waiting for me to mess up. There will be some repetition in these writings because they are appropriate and to emphasize the importance of them.

I can identify with what the Big Book of AA says about the alcoholic: our behavior is absurd and incomprehensible with respect to the first drink, as that of an individual with a passion, let’s say, for jaywalking. He gets a thrill out of skipping in front of fast-moving vehicles. He enjoys himself for a few years in spite of friendly warnings. Up to this point, you would label him a foolish chap having queer ideas of fun. Luck then deserts him, and he is injured several times in succession. You would expect him, if he were normal, to cut it out. Then he is hit and fractures his skull. Within a week after leaving the hospital, a fast-moving trolley car breaks his arm. He tells you he has decided to stop jaywalking for good, but in a few weeks, he breaks both legs.

On through the years, this conduct continues, accompanied by his continuous promises to be careful or to keep off the streets altogether. Finally, he can no longer work, his wife gets a divorce, and he is held up to ridicule. He tries every known means to get the jaywalking idea out of his head. He shuts himself up in an asylum, hoping to mend his ways. But the day he gets out, he races in front of a fire engine, which breaks his back. Such a man would be crazy, wouldn’t he?

You may think our illustration is too ridiculous. But is it? We, who have been through the wringer, have to admit if we substituted our alcoholism for jaywalking, the illustration would fit us exactly.

When alcohol became a demon in my life, it became a very serious problem, which is an understatement. A friend of mine said about his brother, who like I became a serious alcoholic, He’s not my brother. He’s a monster. When I started drinking alcohol, I never thought that I would become a serious alcoholic. As a matter of fact, I don’t think I even knew what an alcoholic was. Ironically, as I am typing this, a Jimmy Buffet song is on the radio with the lyrics, Wasted away again in Margaritaville. How much of my life did I waste because I made the constant unfortunate decision to continue in my mess? I was a slave to alcohol, and it had become my master. I was living to drink, and I was drinking to live. This is known as the vicious cycle of chemical addiction. I was not taking the drink any longer, but the drink was taking me to an early, with much suffering grave. I used to get drunk, stupid drunk, on basically a daily basis. I was caught up in that vicious cycle, and I was indeed dying more than I was living.

Today, I am an ex–active alcoholic with hope! At one point in my alcoholism, I felt I was hopeless, useless, and worthless. Even when I was trying to get help, I didn’t see any way out. At one point in my life, I felt okay with myself, but due to my alcoholism, I lost that feeling of goodness for quite a while. Today, I am feeling pretty okay about myself again because of God and the goodness He offers and desires for me. I just have to keep getting out of my own way! I view life better than ever before. I tell people that is because of the love, grace, and mercy of God.

Hopefully, in these writings I have a purpose to do some work for God. God sure did and continues to do wonderful things for me. In 1 Timothy 1:12–14, it says, And I thank Christ Jesus our Lord who has enabled me, because He counted me faithful, putting me into the ministry, although I was formerly a blasphemer, a persecutor, and an insolent man; but I obtained mercy because I did it ignorantly in unbelief. And the grace of our Lord was exceedingly abundant, with faith and love which are in Christ Jesus. I often tell people what God has done for me, especially people who saw me in my addiction. The sad part of this reality is that people still do not see or desire the power of God and what He freely offers us as his gift—salvation!

I hurt so many loved ones and myself that sometimes I felt like just giving up and thought of the lyrics from a Monkeys’ song, What’s the use in trying? All I get is pain; when I needed sunshine, I got rain. I took the easy and painful way out, escaping from living life on life’s terms, which I believe is an oxymoron. I didn’t know what my coping skills were for my life, and alcohol and drugs were most certainly not the answer. They were a major problem, and how can a person deal with the many issues of life not sober minded? I finally realized the importance of what they say at AA meetings, which is say a prayer, go to a meeting, and do not (no matter what) pick up! AA meetings usually start with the Serenity Prayer and end with the Lord’s Prayer. A friend of mine, Henry D., Hank the Dumper, who has had his struggles with chemical addiction, says, It’s what you do between the last prayer and the first prayer at meetings that matter the most. The worst part of my addiction is that I became spiritually bankrupt. Somewhere, somebody introduced me to the Bible, and another friend said the Bible stands for Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth or Life Eternal. My life is not up to par as far as material and financial standards, but I have so much more. I have God in my life, and some people say that stands for Good Orderly Direction. One wonderful thing about reading the Bible, going to Bible studies, watching Christian television shows, and going to church is learning about the Word of God. I think I have found myself and what I have been looking for to identify with. It says in Philippians 3:8–11:

Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith; that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, if, by any means, I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.

I made a vow to God that I would send this first chapter to my very, very special female friend who I love because love is the greatest of them all. I can maybe see her saying to all this stuff, What are you talking about? I know if we had stayed together, both of our spiritual walks would indeed be stronger. However, I do not believe she has the same interests or desires that she once had when she said, Can you help bring me to God? I pray for her many times a day for her total well-being, her salvation, for her mental health that she went to the clinic for and some other things she struggles with. Ironically, a Barry White song is on the radio with lyrics that say, I can’t get enough of your love, baby. She wants nothing to do with me and my spiritual beliefs and even wrote me a letter without signing it that emphatically said, "Goodbye! At that moment, I realized maybe she was not the person I thought she was, and I always believed the best about her, no matter what. A few years later, she said hello again and wanted to keep in touch. I could write another chapter or two about that whole situation and the list of my concerns that grew.

I really do have a new and different comfort zone as to what my priorities are these days. As the saying goes in AA, You will have a new freedom and a new happiness. With God in my life, although not perfectly or 100 percent because I continue to sin, I can and do weather my spiritual storms despite myself. Romans 8:37–39: Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

My higher power is Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior, and without Him I would be in serious trouble or dead. As I am typing this and listening to sports center on the television, the announcer just said, Cinderella, does the shoe fit? I used to say that to my special female friend, but I don’t think she understood the lyrics from a country song. Hey, Cinderella, what’s the story all about? Does the shoe fit you now? I think this is another parable she asked me about when she said, Why do you always speak in parables?

A few years back, I was struggling with life in many ways. I was searching for the answer for my life, and I found that God is my only answer. Everything else failed me, deserted me, and let me down. I was emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually not doing well. Legally I was in trouble because of another alcohol-related