Crossroads: And the Choices We Make

By Julia S. Dane

The author identifies aspects of her belief system as depicted through the life of the main character of this story, Rebekah. Julia has no doubt that all people have value and the ability to contribute in some form to the betterment of the human condition. People bring this reality to life in varying degrees, depending not only on their choices but on the choices made by the influencers in our lives. The experiences discussed in this book demonstrate how people can continue to repeat patterns when left to their own accord rather than choosing to rely on God and the wisdom imparted through the teachings of Jesus Christ.

The experiences shared from Rebekah’s life brings evidence of what can happen when people rely on their own merit and efforts, void of godly wisdom. We as human beings will continue to fail in one way or another to do right if left to our own design. We all could use some guidance and can benefit from that shared by others, yet Rebekah’s life experiences provide clear evidence that not all advice is God-breathed.

The author exemplifies through Rebekah’s colorful life experiences that it is never too late in life to even have a faith like a mustard seed to start trusting in the basic instructions of life that are found in the pages of the Holy Bible. As long as we have breath in us, Julia believes it is never too late to make new choices that can change the course of one’s life. Each day we all have new choices to make, new words to speak, and new actions to take. What will yours be?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Dec 5, 2017
• ISBN: 9781543465501

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Copyright © 2018 by Julia S. Dane.

Library of Congress Control Number:      2017917440

ISBN:                  Hardcover                      978-1-5434-6552-5

                             Softcover                        978-1-5434-6551-8

                            eBook                              978-1-5434-6550-1

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Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 Biblica. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright 1979, 1980, 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. ESV® Text Edition: 2016. Copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.

Scriptures marked ASV taken from the American Standard Version, Public Domain

Rev. date: 03/14/2018

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CONTENTS

Special Thanks

Introduction

I.         In the Beginning

II.        Conception

III.      Is There a Santa Claus?

IV.       Sisters, Siblings, Self, and Shopping

V.        Dad/Daddy/Father/God

VI.      The Faith Factor

VII.     Love and Forgiveness

VIII.   Men, Husbands, Families

IX.      Gifts, Talents, and Abilities

X.        Beliefs and Blessings

XI.      Changing the Cycle

XII.     Wiser Choices

For God, who said, Let light shine out of darkness, has shown in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.

—2 Corinthians 4:6–7, ESV

DEDICATION

T HIS BOOK IS dedicated to anyone who has struggled with regard to making important decisions in their lives. It does not matter if you were or if you are trying to please or impress someone else or if you were trying to do what was morally right and trying to please God by seeking the best solution for all involved. You do not need be a Christian to appreciate this book. It is important only for you to be able to appreciate the fact that Rebekah’s relationship with Jesus Christ is the center of who she is and the foundation of where she desires her choices to originate. God be with you as you begin your journey through your crossroads.

SPECIAL THANKS

I   WOULD LIKE TO thank all the people who have inspired me as I have prepared for as well as completed the manuscript for this book. It has been over seven years in the making, and the inspirations for it were birthed in my heart from my childhood. There are too many people to thank specifically, and many of them are already in heaven. I thank those from my youth who were godly examples and who contributed to nurturing my faith.

There are many people who besides my beloved husband and close friends who have and continue to inspire me to live out God’s principles in my daily life. You will find below an extra special thanks to this list of godly people who have inspired me by their examples of leadership and godly living since I have been in Arizona. So in no particular order, many thanks to those who have nurtured my spirit with their God-breathed teachings: Larry Finch, Jeff Meyers, Kurt Neff, Louise Harre, Elaine Straum, Dennis McMains, Gary Merrill, David Denyer, Chad Moore, Scott Ridout, Robert Watson, Kyle Glenn, Leanna Day, Susan Barrett, and the other pastors and teachers from the Christ-following fellowships of which I have been a part.

Most significantly, I began each chapter with scripture quotes. You may find some biblical quotes in the body of the chapters as well. It is God’s word that both inspires me and gives me purpose. I hope that you find value in all the words of these pages and can look past my humanity and seek what God wants to use in your life in order to improve your relationship with Him and with people in your life.

INTRODUCTION

E VERYONE HAS A story just waiting to be told. We can all learn something from one another’s lives. I have chosen to tell the story about Rebekah, not because she has accomplished great things or because she has something more worthy of being said than someone else, but because I truly believe that the lives of people can change for the better because of it. Rebekah has experienced much in her journey thus far. She has learned much about love and about people and about heartache and being vulnerable and making choices, and most importantly, she has learned much about the power of God.

It is important for the reader to keep in mind that the people and events in this book may be based on real life yet stem from the perception of the author and that any similarity to the lives of people known by the author or the life of the reader are coincidental. The characters and situations were created with the intent to try and help other people on their own personal life journey. They are loosely based on true events of the people with whom they are associated. The goal is to help people to relate to one or more characters and perhaps to learn a lesson or two that could help them to make positive changes to their lives. I thought the sentiments about the contents of the book could be best described by a quote from someone whom I respect as a godly example in my own life. His wit and humor reminds me of my own maternal grandfather. As Gary Merrill would say when describing personal events to tie into his teaching, he says It is the truth or would be the truth if things were different.

I hope that you too will find Rebekah’s story inspiring. I hope that you will grow in boldness to make positive changes in your life when you are at a crossroads. And most of all, I hope that you are able to recognize how God can help you improve your existence and those around you more every day, for the rest of your life if you let Him.

I

In the Beginning

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

—Genesis 1:1, NIV

And God said, Let there be light, and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness. God called the light day, and the darkness he called night. And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.

—Genesis 1:3–5, NIV

E VERY DAY EACH of us is faced with new and unique opportunities, which, depending on what we do with them, can change the course of our lives. We make choices that are sometimes based on little planning, and yet at other times, the actions we take are arrived at after much deliberation or forethought. No matter how we arrive at the decisions we make in our daily lives, these choices will undoubtedly affect our own life as well as the lives of others even if the effects are in ways we will never be aware of.

Influences governing one’s personal decision making process are vast. They are as broad in number as they are in their ability to impact a direction we choose. And an even more eluding component is the ability or, perhaps, the inability to reason as to why the choice was made at all. The fact remains that for the most part and in most situations, we are where we are because of choices we have made or actions we have taken at any given time.

Now, the intention of this book is not to belabor issues of such things as to why one might choose one career path over another, or why one might marry one person rather than another, or even about how or what one might adopt as spiritual beliefs or a basis for faith. The purpose for this book is to share a variety of real or imagined life experiences in hopes that the reader will learn something about themselves, their own beliefs, and how they can improve their lives by their relationships with God and ultimately make healthier life choices of their own.

Hopefully the reader will also gain better understanding of their own spiritual journey as they try to see their own lives through the eyes of the subjects in this book. You will hopefully be inspired to make choices that will help you listen for and wait on God to lead you to the best choices in your life rather than settle for mediocrity or, worse yet, succumb to the lure of destructive paths.

To follow that which is out of love will lead to life. To follow that which has a guise suggesting that one can become God is folly, leading only to destruction. Wisdom breeds wisdom, and no harm comes from it. That is how one can discern truth. If one does harm and attributes it to an act of their faith, I would question the truth in it. No one can read scripture from the Holy Bible and purposefully do harm to someone and justify it as from God. If a faith of a people connects within it teachings that perpetrate violence, then it is best to stay clear of these and anyone who ascribes to them. It is these that entice people to leave what is true and pure and twist and taint goodness by an agenda of their own. Seek truth, be kind, and treat others as better than yourself if you want to reflect love in your sphere and on your life journey.

I have become deeply aware of how my own personal choices, as well as decisions other people have made, have influenced my life as well as the lives of other people. I also continue to recognize how fear influences our choices and can negatively impact our lives. It is not the absence of fear necessarily that we need to have, but the courage to work through the fears. God promised us that He would never leave us if we only seek Him. The only effort on our part is to ask if it requires us to invite because God may not surface where He is not invited.

Everyone who is capable of reason needs to learn to take responsibility for his or her own choices. Some people try to place the blame on other people, either directly or indirectly, when things do not go well in their lives. I believe that when we try to blame others, it only gives a false sense of reality in regard to who is to be accountable for the choices made. Adults with normal cognitive abilities make their own choices, yet it is possible that other people do things to people that take away the aspect of choice. I will not go into detail about such things; however, I will say only that it is what we choose to do as a response to things done to us that is what is most important.

Your choice to pick up this book, for example, may have stemmed from a number of reasons. You may be a self-help enthusiast, like me, looking for a way to improve your earthly existence and/or point others to the kingdom of God. Or perhaps your choice to read this book may have been influenced by a dilemma you are currently facing in your own life. You may be contemplating a decision and are seeking direction, or perhaps you have just made a decision and are not sure it was the right choice. Then again, some outside force could have just upset your world, and you’re just trying to pick up the pieces and try to make sense of it all. Whatever your reasons, I hope that in the pages to follow, you will find some tools that you will choose to carry with you as you continue on your life journey.

Take the words with you from these pages that speak to your heart and leave the rest of the text to remain for yet another time or another purpose or simply pass it on to a friend. Whatever the destiny this book has for you is, of course, your choice.

I, the author of this book, have met many people through singles groups, women’s groups as well as through a variety of work experiences. Some of the inspiration for this book has come from people I have met as well as from imagined people I wish I had met in my life thus far.

I have some close friends and some acquaintances with whom I live life with or have lived life with to differing degrees. Some of whom I have gotten to know quite well over the years as we have grown in our faiths and with whom our friendships have deepened as we have shared our hearts about life experiences with one another over the years. Some people I have known less than five years yet have bonded with because we share a love of God and belief in the teachings of Christ. It does not matter if we attend the same place of worship or that we even appreciate the same style of a worship service. That which unites us is that we believe in the same God.

I have met people through groups where we have studied things, from learning about our spiritual gifts to developing boundaries to creating a plan two to grief recovery, and then from singles to marriage encounter groups as well as co-ed singles groups to women-only Bible studies. The foundation of all these groups we jointly participated in was that they were based on biblical principles and the influences were the leading of the Holy Spirit.

In part, the reason the closest bonds I have developed within these groups began with the commonality and similar goals and convictions. It did not matter that each person may be growing at our own pace and have different life experiences because the greatest awareness in all of the choice making is to realize that we each have free will in the choices we make. I have known many individuals besides me who have felt stuck at various times in their lives, and through the support of our families, other friends, church, small groups, and each other, we have resources that help us to get unstuck from our respective journeys, yet the resources all have a biblical foundation. I suspect that there are far more people in this world that do not have or just do not utilize these resources to help them in these times of stagnation. Hopefully this book will help you get unstuck and point you toward wisdom when you are in a time of need.

Many little girls think and dream of a similar scenario when it comes to finding love. We believe in the fairy tale stories that depict that somehow our prince charming will mysteriously show up, sweep us off of our feet, and that we will then live happily ever after, amen. You likely already know that is not realistic. Not to say that it cannot happen, but the main character in this book, Rebekah, lived a very different existence, yet she learned much along the way.

I hope that as you read this book, you will find compassion for the characters and perhaps see some of yourself in them as well. You may not have had a life that paralleled the stories you read here, but surely there will be some things that you will be able to relate to. You will likely have some things in your life where you wished you had made different choices and perhaps gain the courage to move forward in making wiser choices in days yet unseen.

I hope that as you move through the pages, you will also recognize a bit of your own journey and that you will be inspired to take something from it that can enhance your own life. I hope that you will be better able to recognize your gifts and talents and gain clarity in terms of how you feel led to contribute to the betterment of humankind. Some questions that you may choose to think about as you proceed are as follows:

• What activity that I participate in provides me with the most joy?

• What activities do I excel at?

• What is it that I do that brings other people joy?

• What is it that I would like to be remembered for contributing to the betterment of humankind and/or glory to God?

• One of the first things God created was light. Those who know God also have light inside of us. How will you let your light shine so that others will see the light of the Lord in you?

Be open to those who you can learn from as well as those who can learn from you.

II

Conception

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.

—Genesis 1:1, ESV

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; before you were born I set you apart.

—Jeremiah 1:5, NIV

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all those who practice it have a good understanding. His praise endures forever!

—Psalm 111:10, ESV

Beginnings

T HE HOLY BIBLE offers the only logical and complete explanation of how the world began. The first chapter of the first book provides a thorough explanation of creation. It is complete, sequential, and provides the reader with the ability to visualize how it all came to be. The heavens and the earth were created first and then light and bodies of water, the beginning of vegetation, seasons, animals, and then the creation of man in the image of God.

People differ in opinion as to what is meant by the seven days that is talked about in the Bible, most insisting that it is figurative in that a day could have been millions or billions of years. There are many studies that can be found on the Internet regarding this subject matter. One day believers will know the full and complete truth, but for now, we can just be thankful that the heavens and the earth were created and that we are here, whether it was seven literal days or not.

God breathed the life we have into us. You may know people in your circle of family friends or acquaintances that tell you that they planned their children to be born on a specific year, month, or even day. Many others, however, could probably say that their pregnancies were not planned at all, and perhaps even at what they would consider the wrong time for relational or financial reasons and, hence, had not been convenient at all. One thing is certain—we were fashioned after God’s image, and every birth can be purposeful for good.

God gave us free will, and therefore, for most people, it was the choice(s) of one or more of the participants to allow conceptions and births to occur (except for women who were victims of rape).

Note: God be with you if you have experienced this violation or are not at peace with a decision to abort a child. I hope you have or will consult professional help and have peace in your situation.

I believe that every child born can be significant in the overall plan God has for this world, whether or not the individual chooses to live a life for God. I also believe that we, as individuals, have the God-given power to affect how our lives and how the lives of our children develop. God can use everyone to add something positive to the lives of other people and to the world, regardless of the choices we make that may get in the way of the greater plan.

Rebekah Was Born

In her beginning, Rebekah was born on Wednesday, April 26, 1961, at 2:32 in the morning to an unmarried woman whose divorce from Rebekah’s father was finalized four months prior to Rebekah’s birth. Rebekah had no choice to come into this world, yet nonetheless, she was knit together in her mother’s womb. According to Psalm 139:13 (For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb, ESV), everyone is formed in the same fashion. Rebekah’s mother was married when she became pregnant both with Rebekah’s older brother, Richard, and when Rebekah was conceived. Martha, their mother, may not have chosen to become pregnant when she did, but like pastor Brad reminded the congregation one time in church, there may be accidental parents, yet there are no accidental children.

People make choices that stem from many reasons. Choices are made by faith, by lack of faith, to serve others, out of selfish desire, or even made out of fear or the choices may even stem from an act of courage. God can bring good out of any choice no matter what it is if only we will trust in Him. We are all subject to a variety of environmental life situations that have some bearing on the choices we make. What matters most is our attitude and perception of these events and what we choose to do as a result.

Rebekah was born to Martha and Dylan as a second child. She was not planned by them, but nonetheless, was woven into the tapestry of God’s plan. The specifics of the matter are not important nor the story a child would be encouraged to grow up hearing over and over again, yet she did. There are definitely more pleasing ways that one could imagine about how their beginning came to be. Now there may also be some of you who are reading these pages and may have wished it had been your story rather than the one you know as your own. The fairy tale version, for example, might be described as that of two people having been deeply in love and thus created a child from one of many blissful nights of passion and mutual adoration. Perhaps this is the readers’ reality, and then, like many, perhaps it was not your story.

The story of Rebekah’s parents’ union was far from that of the prince on a white horse sweeping the young girl off her feet, riding off into the sunset, and living happily ever after with their 2.5 children. The reality Martha, Rebekah’s mother experienced, had been her own form of romance in the time. She and Rebekah’s father, Dylan, eloped because of the disapproval of Martha’s parents concerning their relationship. They were married for three years before Rebekah’s brother, Richard, was born. Then around two years later, Rebekah’s story began. Martha suspected not long after Rebekah was conceived that her husband, Dylan, had been unfaithful. Rebekah’s mother was a strong and proud woman. She had a two-and-a-half-year-old son and was pregnant with another child when she came to her own conclusion of Dylan’s unfaithfulness. It is not known if he in fact had been unfaithful or just that the suspicion was too great for Martha that she was not willing to risk her heart to stay in the marriage. She also had the support of her parents in choosing to end her marriage with Dylan. Martha did not even consider restoration of the relationship, feeling that the trust had been irrevocably broken.

The divorce between Rebekah’s parents was final four months before Rebekah was born. Yet Martha was grateful that she had the emotional, financial, and physical support of her parents in terms of caring for herself and her children.

Martha often told Rebekah as a child that she was not only pleased that her second child was a girl but she was also relieved. She had the confidence that her daughter would bring some calm to the scene, as was confirmed. Martha spoke of Rebekah’s brother, Richard, who was two and a half years older than Rebekah as having an endless supply of energy. Martha told her daughter that she recognized the gentler spirit in this child even when Rebekah was an infant. My mother often spoke to me fondly of the same memory, Rebekah recalled. She spoke about a time when I was a small child, and that when she would hold me in the manner that people often do with young children as if I were looking behind her over her shoulder. She said I would often pat her on the back as if to console her when one might normally see the child being patted on the back by the parent.

Rebekah remembered her mother to be very caring, loving, and kind spirited more so when Rebekah was elementary school age. Such tenderness would also reveal itself like threads throughout her mother’s life, yet her demeanor hardened as she grew weary in her responsibilities and as she spent less time in fellowship with other believers and with God. Martha worked very hard in her life, was fairly health conscious, and did not drink alcohol or use any prescription medications except in rare instances. She did the best she could with what she had.

One could suppose all sorts of things for the seeming misdirected anger that increased in Martha’s communications as years went by. I have learned through my counseling experiences that anger is often a product of emotional pain that has not been addressed and/or unresolved relationship conflict with a loved one. Yet I think only those who are quick to complain or to criticize may or may not be able to easily explain their reasons for such conduct. Hopefully someone will care enough to ask. I think that most people have sometimes found that facing facts about our own behavior is one of the most difficult things to do.

Rebekah recalls a time in her mother’s life when Martha’s attitude and outlook shifted into a more negative stance than before. It was sometime following the death of her own father, Harold, that Martha became angered at a choice made regarding the dispensation of a donation that she and her mother had made to the Christian church she had been a part of for many years. She allowed her disparity with the personnel and/or politics of the church to transform into anger toward God. She allowed the anger to turn into bitterness, and it seemed to also transfer to other areas of her life.

In my experience, I have observed similarities in personalities or tendencies with individuals who often present themselves with generally opposing viewpoints in common discussions. I find that this negativity often ties in with people who also become mad at God for one reason or another. People who adopt this negative stance seem to develop an attitude of no before they even are aware of the subject matter. It is as if they have lost faith in humankind or the decency of mankind because of themselves having been wronged by one or more persons within these organizations. This seems to be something that has become an issue not only within a church but can also be found within various companies or other types of groups. In a church fellowship of believers, it is natural in a sense to hold people of faith to a higher standard than those who do not profess a faith in God.

Humankind makes the assumption that people of God ascribe to a high moral code. Then there are other people who have been hurt through the church (all religious faiths in general) and try to claim that they are all hypocritical. It actually makes no sense to assume anything concerning the intentions of people within a group, organization, or church affiliation. There are all kinds of people who are found within any particular group organization or church affiliation that are present within that are there for a variety of reasons.

It is not fair or correct to say all such and such people are this way or that whether we are talking about a faith, a culture, an ethnicity, an age range, or a gender. There might be some generalities that tend to ring true concerning people who are a part of such groups. However, we each have the ability to discern and make choices, and all are human and humans make mistakes. We do things to hurt others without intending to, and sometimes we do things out of selfish desire or without care of how other people will be affected. The important thing is that we are forgiven. God knows that we are not perfect, and He also knows each person’s heart and where our motivations and intentions lie. All God asks from us is that we truly have a repentant heart, ask Him for forgiveness, and be better in the future. This is a true example of choosing love over selfish desires, and I believe that is the foundation of what we are here on earth to learn.

I think that it is important for humankind to have compassion for those who present with less than a positive demeanor in communications. There seems to be a tendency for people to respond with defensiveness when someone displays negativity toward them, but perhaps that is what they expect and then in turn feel justified continuing to display negativity in return. What if, instead of becoming defensive, we displayed kindness in response to someone who presents with anger or negativity? In my experience, I have effectively been able to witness what appears to be a change in attitude of the angry person by offering a genuine compliment, a smile, a handshake, or sincerity in asking them how they are doing.

We also need to protect our hearts and do not need to spend great amounts of time in negative environments or around negative people. It is also important to not let one self take on the negativity of others so as to add to the problem rather than contrary to it. I have also witnessed evidence that when people use self-control in demonstrating a positive attitude in a negative sphere, they can help to influence a reversal of conduct in others, meaning the demeanor of an angry or negative person will likely soften when others around them display positivity. We could also make the world a better place if we were bold in offering support and encouragement to one another and channeling our anger toward injustice rather than selfish pursuits.

I do not believe that it is natural for people to be negative. In my vast experience of talking with troubled people who share much information concerning events of their lives, I have concluded that the negativity that emits from people evolves and develops over time and often due to the hurts we experience that mount up over time. Rebekah shared something, for example, in terms of Martha’s behavior and how there was a time when she recognized only kindness coming from her mother. She said that she remembered Martha as having a gentle spirit when Rebekah was a young girl. She said that her mother was gentle and kind to all people and that her frustrations began to show up mostly as she got older and started when the weight of her worldly responsibilities and regret over things said or not said, done or not done in her past had come to overwhelm her.

Rebekah does not claim to have been a perfect child, yet she was more agreeable and, generally speaking, the peacemaker in the family than her brother. She was the calm in the storm of relationships most of the time, seeking to please more than to be right about something. Richard was more apt to insist on his way or challenge the authority their mother presented. Rebekah was more likely to just remove herself from a negative situation rather than to challenge her mother’s authority. There are pros and cons to the responses that both Rebekah and Richard had in terms of relating in their little family.

Rebekah had the desire more to understand why people behaved in the way they did than to control the situation whereas Richard sought to have power over the situation rather than to understand. Perhaps he thought it was his duty as the oldest or because there was no man in the house, or maybe it was just one of his personality traits. The problems arose when he challenged their mother’s authority because she was still the parent in spite of the fact that Richard may have felt it was his duty of sorts to assume a leadership role in the home.

Rebekah had a tendency from early childhood to shy away from conflict as much as she would empathize with people who experienced emotional pain. She seemed early on to have a keen sense concerning the human condition. In turn, she grew to believe that her mother’s negativity was directly connected to the bitterness that grew in her heart over the years of unhealed brokenness. She believed that Martha never truly learned to forgive herself or to forgive others for perceived wrongdoings. Martha seemed to lose her trust in the power of God because of things that supposed God-fearing people did that affected her life. In other words, she blamed God for choices that other people made.

Every one of us could probably find some fault in the parenting we had growing up. Similarly anyone who becomes a parent will also likely be less than a perfect parent in what is less than a perfect world. Nonetheless, each one of us could possibly think of a time while we were growing up that we wished we had the family of one of our friends instead of our own. This grass is greener on the other side of the fence attitude has likely surfaced in our own lives on more than one occasion. It did with Rebekah, and possibly with her brother as well.

There were a few of Rebekah’s friends whose parents were both present in the home and of whom Rebekah appreciated in terms of role models for what she perceived to be a normal family. Her friend Patrice lived only a few streets away, Jessie lived a few more streets away, and then Michelle lived a mile or so away. Rebekah considered all three of these girls as close friends yet usually spent time with them each one on one. Patrice had four older sisters, Jessie had one younger sister and then a younger brother to both girls, and Michelle had an older sister and a younger brother.

All three of the families included dynamics in which the fathers were the primary breadwinners and the mothers were primarily stay-at-home moms or maybe had a part-time job. All of them were actively involved as volunteers in various church activities, and all were people who claimed to believe in God, yet it was evident to differing degrees within their home environment. Rebekah believes that she learned some things in terms of what she thought were positive family dynamics from being in the homes of these friends. She was also able to recognize that she was missing something in her own home and perhaps was a bit envious of her friends concerning the perceived wholeness they experienced in their homes.

None of her friends parents were the Cleavers as in the sixties television shows Leave It to Beaver or like the Brady Bunch, but to hear the story told, they could have been compared to that of a near-to-ideal family if set side by side to the parentage from which Rebekah had come, or so she believed. None of the parents of Rebekah’s close friends had been married before, as far as she knew, and they all appeared to be happily married as well. Rebekah never recalled hearing her friends parents argue while she was in their homes. Their parents really appeared to work well together as a team.

These families and other families of people Rebekah and Richard knew as children may not have been as functional as Rebekah perceived them to be, but Rebekah especially felt fortunate to have been exposed to a variety of family networks so as to recognize that her home was not the norm in society although it would continue to be her normal in her and her brother’s lives. She later learned that some of her friend’s families had secrets but never got clarity on what they were or if they were even real or perceived. She was aware of one or more pieces of sheltered information in her family nucleus but not clear on how secret this information was or to whom. There was one thing for sure that Rebekah learned about herself when she was in her midforties that she had not been aware of until then.

Secrets

Rebekah learned, perhaps unintentionally, a significant secret that her mother had kept from her while on a visit to Wisconsin in the last few years of her mother’s life. Hence, the secret she learned concerning her own life actually occurred during the course of time that this story was being written. Rebekah learned from a family friend that after Martha found out that she was pregnant and then not long afterward received information that led her to believe that Dylan was cheating on her. She had asked her doctor to help her have an abortion. What Rebekah understood from this was that the physician refused her request, and nothing more was made of it.

Rebekah had no interest in learning more details surrounding what had already been disclosed to her about that situation. So she never pressed her mother for details. The healing she has needed because of the strained relationship she has had with her mother was ongoing for so many years that she did not want to allow this new information to contribute negativity to an already-compromised relationship. Yet nonetheless Rebekah did, initially at least, feel hurt to learn that her mother had considered having aborted her. This information was something that she had never ever imagined her mother to have even considered as a viable option.

When Rebekah found out, however, it created an entire new line of thinking on her part. She began to relive conversations she and her mother had had as well as reassess her mother’s attitude toward her all these years. Rebekah was initially hurt and saddened upon this reveal to know that her mother had even considered abortion. Yet she saw no purpose in spending time dwelling on that newfound information. She attempted to keep her beliefs surrounding this knowledge in perspective relative to a stronger belief that God can use any situation for His glory.

One of Rebekah’s greatest desires remains to help people feel okay about themselves as people as she continues to try and do the same for herself. Her goal now was simply to do her best and let God do the rest in terms of contributing something positive to the world she lives in and to help other people do the same.

Expectations

Martha gave historical testimony of some of her emotional struggles to her daughter over the years. She made no attempt to cover up events that occurred that caused her some emotional duress, starting around the time when Martha was in college. It was Rebekah’s perception of her mother that Martha had never truly outgrown the belief that her parents (rather than God) were the ultimate authority. In other words, Martha sought to please her parents more than she sought to please God. Per Rebekah, it seemed as though Martha felt judged by her parents her whole life. How ironic that Rebekah spent many years also trying to please her mother rather than try to please God.

Martha presented that if she appeared less than perfect to anyone, she were less than human. She also was not inclined to cut slack for family members or people in the community in general in terms of presenting as less-than-optimal performance in most things from scholastic activity to display of talents to chores around the house or even to eat all the food on one’s plate.

Martha’s greatest detriment to her own emotional well-being as well as something that negatively impacted her relationship with others was probably her lack of forgiveness for herself or others. She was hard on herself as well as on other people close to her, leaving little room for general human failings. To this day, her daughter, Rebekah, has no idea why her mother had such a low tolerance for imperfection other than guilt (which is not imposed by God but by the negative forces in the world).

Martha had shared some heartache with her daughter concerning some personal trials. Martha sometimes reflected on and shared with Rebekah what she viewed or was made to view as a major indiscretion that occurred in her third year of college. She had been attending an elite and private college in a nearby town. It was the very one, in fact, from which both her parents, Hope and Harold, had graduated before they were married.

Midway through her junior year of college, Martha was unfortunately assigned the label of being on academic probation. She perceived this identification to serve as a blemish on the reputation of her family and felt the need to somehow fix it in a way that would save face for the family as a whole. But how, she had thought, would she preserve her dignity and also protect her family from embarrassment?

Martha told of her parents, Harold and Hope, along with the help of her younger sister, Rebekah’s aunt Mary, having gone to visit Martha at her dorm under some pretense of taking her home for a visit on the weekend. It was merely a guise, Martha told her daughter. Her parents had been there to move her out of her residence at school. They reportedly convinced Martha that the mediocre achievement she had accomplished scholastically was because of the fact that she was depressed and that all she needed was a break from school. So they persuaded her to take a vacation in a psychiatric hospital. Rebekah said her mother led her to believe that kind of practice was fairly common in the 1950s when someone did not do what they were supposed to do. It was, at least, in her family.

Well, sadly, per Martha, her parents and sister gave her little encouragement and loving kindness at that juncture in her life and instead deceived her about their visit and moved her out of school. Perhaps, if healing and forgiveness had occurred after such a violation of trust, Martha would not have let the seed of negativity grow within her spirit. Instead, she grew to mistrust her parents and sister, doctors and psychologists, and truthfully, she became suspicious of the motivations of all people for the majority of her life.

One could guess that the phobias, mistrust, and suspicions Martha had of people who were close to her were fed by what she perceived as trickery and manipulation by her sister and parents at that fateful time that ended her college career. They were also fed perhaps by anything else that she may have found aversive in her upbringing or her environmental stimuli in general. She also developed an aversion to anyone, and everything to do with the medical and/or mental health communities, which in turn, may have actually diminished the quality of her life in general. Sadly, Martha’s sister, Mary, was really too young to understand the possible long-term effects this experience would have on her sister and their relationship and was, in a sense, a victim of the situation as well.

Martha made a second very significant life choice that was her free will to make yet was perceived by her family as rather an act of disobedience or something that was not appropriate to do in the scope of their family network and hence a decision that she should not have made. They saw this choice, Martha’s choice to run off and marry Rebekah’s father, Dylan, as mark against their family name. She only married once, Rebekah touted, yet that was surely enough to ruin her life the way her mother saw it. Rebekah also said, using her mother’s own words, He was a man from the wrong side of the tracks in the eyes of Martha’s parents and other family members and family friends. They felt that Dylan was from a poor and/or an uneducated family and that Martha could and had been expected to do better in terms of selecting a spouse.

Martha often talked to Rebekah and her brother about how irresponsible their father had been. She told stories of how Dylan would spend money at the bar rather than on groceries and that he almost received a dishonorable discharge from the air force for attempting to go AWOL. Martha told her children of the type of vocation Dylan had during their marriage. He was notably a good salesman, having sold various products door to door. Dylan was charming, cunning, and opportunistic, and that the only amount of success he had in these ventures was due alone to his being able to charm the potential customer into buying the product, Martha said. Just as he charmed me into marrying him, Martha told Rebekah. He probably suspected my parents were loaded, and he would somehow get rich by marrying me, Rebekah said, quoting her mother.

Whenever Rebekah achieved any sort of success in her life, her mother would suggest that she was probably just like her father and somehow conned her way into success. Martha even suggested that Rebekah had smiled her way into her 4.0 GPA in her master’s degree program. Rebekah could never be sure what things her mother said about her father were based on fact or what was said were merely words stemming from a wounded heart.

Rebekah knew that her mother had indeed loved her father, yet she had been disappointed in him having not lived up to her expectations or, as it were, the expectations Martha’s family had for her concerning a potential spouse. Rebekah believed that although there may have been an element of truth to the tales her mother told of Dylan, it was evident that it was Martha’s bitterness and resentment toward him that influenced her negative talk about him. It was also surely an influence as to why Martha criticized Richard and Rebekah in such a manner and degree as she did.

Could it be true that no one really lives up to another person’s expectations in any relationship? Maybe the problem is that we have too many expectations. Perhaps our ideas of how a relationship should be would be better served if they were simple and clear. For example, to expect that your spouse is faithful to you in your marriage is something most people would agree on, yet the definition of faithful might differ depending on the relationship. There are some things that cannot be negotiated as well as some things that can and should be negotiable. These things usually result in being things that we can have some flexibility about, like who takes out the garbage or buys the groceries.

Dylan

Dylan did not have the qualities of the type of man Martha’s parents had hoped she would marry. My grandparents were both college educated, and their parents, my great-grandparents, were also educated and well respected professionals as well, said Rebekah. Her parents thought it only natural to expect my mother to marry a doctor, lawyer, or someone who had achieved a certain degree of education, or other seemingly prestigious level of status or accomplishment. Rebekah said that her mother viewed herself as a failure in the eyes of her parents in having chosen to marry Dylan who did not have the education or meet her parents’ expectations concerning status or socioeconomic intensity. Nor was Dylan at all the kind of man she expected to marry.

Martha’s sister, Mary, married a doctor and met the approval of her parents. Mary also completed an undergraduate degree from the Ivy League college where she met her husband. She had her own set of challenges (like most people do), but although she had earned her undergraduate degree, Mary never had to work after she was married. She did, however, fulfill the expectations of Rebekah’s grandparents by marrying a highly educated man from what they considered to be a good family. Thus, in this regard, Mary received the respect from her parents that Martha did not. This impacted Martha’s entire life because of the sense she had of never measuring up or ever being good enough. This sense, however, was not necessarily something imposed on her by her parents’ long term but rather something that she instead chose to believe. Rebekah does not remember hearing her grandparents speak ill of her mother or treat her with anything but kindness.

Rebekah remembers having heard a conversation of some other relatives in relation to her father. These family members were clearly not aware that Rebekah was in earshot but it was surely an event that she will never forget. She remembers having heard this concerning her father: "He might have a pile of crap to