“That” Unwanted Feeling: A Story Untold

By K. Lynne

Fawn Ailish Flynn, in hiding, is listening to her parents argue. Her father saying, Thats not mine. Fawns brother, Greer Jr., was yelling at their momma, If that had never been born, my daddy would have never left. Its all her fault. Then Momma married Frank, a violent, abusive man. Just because he thought Fawn was staring at him, he slapped her to the floor, yelling, Get that out of my sight. Fawn went to bed, praying that God would take her, praying she wouldnt wake up.

Follow Fawns journey from her small hometown in North Alabama, to the West Coast, where Frank moved her, her momma, and brotherfar away from the people where she felt protected and loved. Then finally back home again, home to the people she loved the most and to her pap.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Feb 22, 2017
• ISBN: 9781524585549

K. Lynne

About the Author I was born in Guntersville, Alabama, currently residing in Huntsville, Alabama. I am retired from being in the human resource field. I have children and grandchildren. All of whom live close so I am blessed to see them anytime I want. I’m also an avid reader. The genre I go to most is history. I get my love of reading from my mother. She introduced me to all the places you can go in a book. This book is fiction, however loosely based on my childhood. Some of the stories are true, some are embellished, and yes, some are made up. All names, ages, and in some cases, sexes of the characters have been changed. If just one person finds strength in this book, then it will have been worth the tears entwined into each word.

Book preview

CHAPTER 1

T HE ABSOLUTE EARLIEST memory I have is of Momma toting me on her hip walking up the hill to Papa and Grandmother Butler’s house. She had a bag over one shoulder and holding my red potty chair in the same hand. We walked into the basement door. That house was fashioned a bit like Pap and Gram Molyneux’s house. I mean by pulling up to the basement first. Anyway, that is simply the memory.

I learned later in life that when Greer Jr. was around two years old Daddy wasn’t coming home much and him and Momma were fighting a lot. So Momma took advice from a girlfriend that she should get pregnant again and that would fix everything. So January 1, 1963, here I am, head full of red hair and big blue eyes. Greer Jr. turned three the following June. In August Daddy had to go to the army. He was only gone four months when he accidentally shot himself in the foot and took the last two toes off his right foot. We got military benefits for a while. We had to go to the Redstone Arsenal over in Huntsville to take advantage though.

When I was about five years old the arguing began. I remember lying in bed at night I would hear the muffled yelling. I got up one night. I snuck through the kitchen and crawled under the kitchen table, where I could hear clearly what they were arguing about. It was about me. Momma was asking Daddy why he never paid any attention to me. He said he was busy and tired. He had Greer Jr’s. Little league, there was work, and always helping Pap Molyneux trying to keep the steel running. Momma said, You could have taken five minutes and let her read to you. That’s all she wanted was to show you she could read this book, and I heard something hit the floor. Daddy started yelling, You’re always pushing her on me, wanting me to hold her, to play with her. How do I even know that’s mine anyway? I would be referred to as That often throughout my life. The definition of That being the one singled out implied or understood. He yelled at Momma, You came up pregnant those couple of months when I was in and out of here, remember? Momma says, It only takes once, you know. Besides, how was I supposed to find another man? Up here on this farm, no car, my grandparents at one end of the road and my parents at the other. My daddy has to take me to and from work. Besides, this town is so small, if I did everyone would know before I got my clothes back on. How do you think I knew about your good time? Those nosy grandparents of yours is how, you know. Everybody from the mayor down to the garbage man is in that ‘Business Kitchen.’ Ms. Dulcie has dirt on every single one of them and they can’t wait to run tell her any tidbit of gossip they hear of to stay on her good side. Of course, if their granddaughter’s husband even looks at another woman they will knock each other down to get that juicy tidbit to her. And Ms. Dulcie will add to or omit from a story as best fits her needs and her cronies would swear on a Bible it was God’s honest truth. So it don’t matter what I say, I lose. I heard almost the exact same story from my boss at the drugstore, Momma said. He lives in New Hope where you been hanging out, said you was over there at the pool hall being very friendly with some girl named Shelly Lang. Momma started crying. Daddy came stomping through the kitchen out the door with a slam, never even saw me. I slipped back to my bed, cried myself to sleep.

Daddy was gone seemed like for weeks. Greer Jr. was mad at Momma, wanted to know why she made him leave. Yelled at me that it was my fault he left. Wished I was never born, wished I would die. Momma sent me to stay with Gram and Pap Molyneux. I think it worried Momma with Greer Jr. being as angry as he was that he might actually try to hurt me.

My Pap Molyneux loved me. He called me his sunflower. I stayed with them every chance I got. Gram and Pap Molyneux owned a condo on the beach at Gulf Shores, and Pap loved nothing more than to go to the condo and go deep-sea fishing. Sometimes he just got an itch and just me and him would hop in his pickup and head down for a few days. We didn’t go to the condo this time though, school. Pap walked me to the highway every morning to catch the bus and would be waiting there every afternoon when I got off. This was not that unusual. Greer Jr., me, Ridge, and Elias walked to the highway together every day. Well, they all mostly ran ahead and I tried to keep up, but Pap was waiting most days for us to get off the bus. On rainy or cold days Pap would pick us up at the house and drive us to the bus stop and drive us back in the afternoon.

One Friday afternoon Pap and I had just turned on the gravel road toward his house, Greer Jr., Ridge, and Elias racing on down the dirt road toward home almost out of sight already. We heard a car turn in. When we turned around it was Daddy. Pap said, Looky there, Sunflower, it’s yer daddy. I just shook my head and waved at Daddy. He barely looked my way and raised his hand. Pap said, Go put yer thangs in the chair over by the business door and let us run check the spring pump. The spring pump was in between our house and Papa and Grandmother Butler’s. It’s where our water came from and of course cooled the steel. Pap said we would drop in on Momma and Greer Jr. and say howdy to daddy too. So we hopped in his pickup and drove to the house. When we got there Daddy and Greer Jr. were just coming out the door with a suitcase each. Daddy shook Pap’s hand, said, Greer Jr.’s gonna come stay in town with me for the week. I’ll see to it he gets to and from school. It will be easier on Trudy that way. It was about that time that Papa Butler come down the hill. You could tell by the way he was walking just a bit sideways he had been sampling the shine. When Papa Butler found out what the plan was, he told Daddy it was a good fer piece to walk from here to New Hope where he been staying, with his no count brother D. And he had no doubt Greer Jr. could do it but would sure be wore out when they got there. Daddy said, What do you mean walk? I will be driving my car. Papa Butler looked at Daddy and laughed in a way that almost scared me. He said, Greer, you don’t own that car. Ain’t you ever looked at the registration papers? I gave that car to Trudy, not you and Trudy, and certainly not just you. About that time, Papa Butler looked at me and Greer Jr. and told me to go help Grandmother Butler with dinner and told Greer Jr. to help Ridge and Elias hunt ginseng. They were just a pert ways up the trail.

Had to have been several hours later because we had already ate dinner. Momma come walking through the door with Papa Butler and Pap Molyneux. They were all laughing. First thing Greer Jr. said was where’s Daddy? Papa Butler told him, Yer Daddy remembered he had a job that was gonna take him outta town for a while and wouldn’t be needing yer momma’s car for it, so we took him and dropped him at the bus station. He said to tell you and Fawn he loves ya both and will write. The truth was Momma, Pap, and Papa drove Daddy across the county line, put him out, and set him to walking. Told him he best stay there, that he couldn’t guarantee the next time he was running whiskey for the Borchards that the feds wouldn’t be waiting on him. I understand it kind of surprised Daddy that Pap Molyneaux knew Daddy was going behind his back and running for a competitor, if you can even call the Borchards that. They lived over toward the crossroads back in the woods in an old rundown shack of a house. They used any kind of scrap metal to make their steel. It was dirty. Their ingredients were left in the open and got bugs in it. Ever since Daddy left Momma the second time, both my Pap and Papa had been watching him and had their people watching him.

Greer Jr. was very angry with Momma about Daddy being gone, but seemed even angrier with me. It was all my fault. If I had never been born Daddy would never had left. I always wondered if he had heard that same argument I did that night under the kitchen table. Did Daddy tell Greer Jr. he wasn’t my daddy?

CHAPTER 2

J UST BEFORE SPRING break from school my kindergarten teacher Ms. Munch had a conference with Momma, told her she thought I might need glasses. Said I was always squinting and had a hard time seeing the board from my desk even since she put me at the front. I will admit things have always looked blurry to me but I didn’t know it wasn’t supposed to be that way. Besides, if I squinted the right way it cleared up some.

Momma went to talk to Gram Molyneux about getting the money for the eye doctor and possible glasses. Momma certainly didn’t have it and Grandmother and Papa Butler lived on Social Security and Retirement alone. Unfortunately Gram Molyneux controlled her and Pap’s finances and if any of us needed money we had to go to her. It would have been much more pleasant to go to Pap. Gram never let you forget when she bought you something. Now, she would never expect you to repay it because we are family, but she would always let you know and everyone else know she paid for it, no matter what it was. Of course Gram said she would pay for the eye doctor and any glasses I may need, and Gram being the controlling person she was, took over the entire situation from there. She made the appointment with her eye doctor, she drove Momma and me to the appointment, and she answered all the questions the doctor had. She picked out my glasses. Poor Momma just followed around behind Gram like her maid holding her purse. In 1969 the in glasses were the cat’s-eye glasses. So not only did I have red hair and freckles, I had red hair, freckles, and glasses. Greer Jr., Ridge, and Elias pick on me enough already about my hair and freckles, god knows what they will call me now. And my friends at school. I am hideous, no front teeth, red hair, freckles, and cat’s-eye glasses. I think I cried for two straight days then Pap Molyneux got the itch and we were gone to the gulf. Just the two of us. Or at least I thought so until the next day when Gram pulled up in her big Buick with Greer Jr., Ridge, and Elias. Gram Molyneux was always partial to the boys. She was good enough to me but you could tell she preferred the boys.

While we were away at the beach, seems Momma was busy at home. Gram Molyneux also gave Momma the money for a divorce from Daddy. She used Gram’s lawyer and got it in no time since Gram and Pap Molyneux were very friendly with most all the law enforcement in the county and the city. It was not uncommon to find the sherriff or the police chief in their Business kitchen, on occasion even the mayor. From what I understand, the feds would come and raid all the bootleggers. Gram and Pap always had warning so that when they got to their house there was nothing to find. On occasion I would see the police cars up at Papa and Grandmother Butlers. They would go into the woods on the mountain behind their house then come back out saying those bad words like Papa Butler says when he samples too much shine.

While we were at the condo on spring break, Momma also found her a new job. At the big hospital in Huntsville as a nurse’s assistant over where Gramma and Papaw Conley live. They supplied all the training. They would also pay for schooling for anyone interested in going to school to become an RN. You had to work for them the two years that you’re in RN school. It paid double what she was making at the drugstore. She had already talked to Grandmother and Papa Butler about Greer Jr. and me staying with them while she was working and she would come home on her off days. She was gonna stay with Gramma and Papaw Conley. She would give what money it didn’t take her to live on to Grandmother and Papa Butler for me and Greer Jr.

Now Grandmother Butler absolutely forbid any whiskey, shine of any kind whatsoever inside her house. I have said my entire life if ever there were angels walking this earth, Grandmother Butler had to be one. She put up with Papa Butler’s comings and goings, his drinking, his girlfriends on the side that the whole town knew about. Momma always wondered how many other brothers and sisters she had. When he drank his mood could go either way depending on what he drank. If it was shine he was usually happy and protective of his family. If he drank anything else, beer, dark whiskey, etc., he was just plain mean. Mean to everyone. Told Grandmother the kids weren’t his, that he was sterile and couldn’t have kids, called her all kind of bad names that I can’t say. If I did my mouth would surely be washed out with soap. At their house, the kitchen was in the basement along with two bedrooms and a bathroom. Upstairs was the living room and two bedrooms and a bathroom. Grandmother and Papa’s bedrooms were the basement bedrooms. When things were good and Papa was on the wagon they shared a bedroom. When Papa was off the wagon Grandmother made him sleep in the other bedroom. She would lock herself in her bedroom, sometimes with all the kids, me and Greer Jr. too if we were there, depending on how bad it was. We would lie there with Grandmother reading Bible stories to us while he would rant and rave, and throw things. We could hear him upstairs stomping, calling out each of our names. He would get real sweet, call, Fawn, Papa has a hurt on his head. Please come here and help me. I can’t get up. He would call each of us kids like that. Then get mad and loud and swear he was gonna beat us all within an inch of our lives when we did come out because we couldn’t stay in there forever. Oddly enough he never tried to knock down the door. Come to find out Grandmother kept a shotgun under the mattress and I think Papa knew she would use it if he ever tried to hurt one of us kids. The louder Papa would yell and cuss, the louder Grandmother would read. Finally we would hear his truck fire up and tires squealing and rocks slinging till it was quiet. Grandmother got up and peeked out to make sure all was clear and we came out and went to our beds. Well, the boys did anyway. I slept with Grandmother. Grandmother began the cleanup from his drunken tirade. Papa stayed gone for about four days that time. When he did come home he was sober and happy, had presents for everyone. The boys a slingshot this time and me paper dolls. I loved paper dolls.

Not long after that particular time I was in taking my bath. It was just before dark. After I was done I walked out on the porch to find the boys had my new paper dolls lined up on the porch rail and had drawn bull’s-eyes on all their faces using them for targets for their slingshots. When I screamed at them to stop and grabbed all my paper dolls off the porch rails they said they would just use my freckles as a target and I started running and they all shot rocks at me and one hit the window and broke it. Well, let me tell you who was laughing now. Grandmother Butler came out saw the broken window, went out in the yard to the switch tree, and got what really looked like a tree branch. Marched all three of them in the house and beat them till she could barely stand up. Sent them all down to the kitchen to wait on Papa to get home. When Papa got home he made them each go to the switch tree and get their own switch for him to beat them with. They knew better than to come back with a twig and each brought back an appropriate sized branch for their beating from Papa. I sat on the stairs watching and maybe enjoying it too much? No, not really. I enjoyed it and rightfully. The next morning when it was time for school the boys was moving real slow. They didn’t run up the road to the highway to catch the bus. I beat them by a good ten minutes. Of course they made threats of going to get me back. Now let me explain. Those three boys tortured me. I have to say they hated me, I think. So the pleasure I take when they get in trouble and get the switch is in fact rightfully mine to enjoy. Those three have put boogers in my cereal then asked me on the way to the bus stop, How was your booger flakes? On nights that Grandmother and Papa Butler did sleep in the same bed and I slept in the other bedroom off the kitchen, one of them has more than once snuck down into the room and peed in my bed, making it look like I peed the bed. I never got the switch for it though. Grandmother did wonder how I could pee the bed and not get my panties wet. They locked me in the bathroom in the dark. They had taken the bulb out and threw a garden snake in with me. I have always been deathly afraid of snakes. I don’t know how long I sat there, seemed like hours. Grandmother Butler and Gram Molyneux had gone to the grocery. I heard Grandmother down in the kitchen and I started pounding on the door. I thought she was never going to hear me. She knew the boys had done this. I think they had meant to let me out before she got home but she got back sooner than they thought. They knew they were in trouble and decided to stay up in the woods. Greer Jr. never has liked the woods at night, so he was the first to try to sneak in. Needless to say he was caught. Grandmother told him if he could apologize to me sincerely and pray to God to please forgive him then he would not get the switch. This was his apology, Four-eyed Fawn, I am so sorry you’re a screered of the dark and a dumb little garden snake, and I promise I won’t do that to you again. Grandmother grabbed his arm and switched his legs three times. He yelped and said, I apologized. Grandmother told him it was not sincere and Greer Jr. said, Yes, it was, I promise. I will never lock her in the dark again with a snake. Again Grandmother switched his legs half a dozen more times, sent him to the bath and straight to bed. Seems that Ridge and Elias was listening at the window and it wasn’t two minutes till they was busting in the door and hugging and kissing on me and apologizing like there was no tomorrow. Said that Greer Jr. made them do it that they didn’t want to. Said he tricked them into it. Said it would cure me from being so afraid of snakes. Then they both dropped to their knees and started praying to God for forgiveness, Lord, please help us to be better to Fawn. We do love her so. Lord, please forgive Greer Jr. and help him to be a better brother to his sister. Oh, my precious Lord, please steer us clear of Greer Jr’s. bad influence on us that makes us do such ungodly things. Amen. During all this apologizing and praying I was just stunned and staring. I am sure my mouth was wide open. I glanced over at Grandmother and I swear I think she was trying not to laugh. All right, boys, Grandmother said, bath and bed. Elias whined, We’re hungry. Grandmother said, Too bad. We had dinner while y’all was hiding up in the woods. Bath and bed now or would you like to whine to my friend here? and she held up the switch. All you seen then was their back sides heading to the bathroom.

CHAPTER 3

S OMEBODY ELSE WAS busy as well while Pap, Gram, and us kids were at the condo. Turns out my daddy was awful mad at my Pap Molyneux and Papa Butler for taking away the car and dropping him off across the county line to fend for himself. He was also pretty mad at Gram Molyneux for financing the divorce and making sure Momma got full custody of me and Greer Jr. Well, not so much me he wanted, but Greer Jr.

Seems Daddy had been chit-chattin’ with the federal boys down the state department. Told them he would help set up Pap and Gram Molyneux and Papa Butler to have enough moonshine and whiskey in their possession when they raided to make it illegal and a felony arrest. Also he would give them exact directions to the steel. All he wanted was custody of his son Greer Guy Flynn Jr. One of the local federal men asked him didn’t he have two kids? Wasn’t there a little girl also? He said, No, ‘that’s’ not mine. I only want my son.

We were not back from the beach an hour before Gram’s phone rang and it was her warning that she was getting raided but not the usual