Baby Blue with a Dab of Grey: A Story of Love, Loss, and Recovery

By Destiney Perez

Kaia Hunter and her husband, Trevor, have dreams like every parent to someday have children to invest their love into. But Kaia and Trevor are no ordinary couple; Kaia has a chromosomal disorder that makes keeping a child full-term almost impossible. When the two become pregnant once again for the fourth time, they come to find a sense of hope theyve never had beforea new hope.

Kaia had never known a perfect life and is well aware that it wouldnt magically become so. Upon a series of events, this new yet flawed hope becomes a way of life for her. But to keep this hope in hand and heart, she has to fight for it, for herself. Kaia doesnt find a perfect life, but instead, a blue-gray life that is perfectly imperfect. It isnt entirely ideal, but it is the life she is given nonetheless.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Oct 26, 2016
• ISBN: 9781524507558

Destiney Perez

Destiney Perez is an aspiring author. She began her aspirations by writing poems, short stories, and songs but has just completed her first novel. Destiney considers herself a simple person and enjoys passing time by cooking out with her family or binge-watching movies and TV shows with her close friends. She currently resides in a small town in west Texas.

Book preview

Prologue

It was 12:35 p.m. My husband and I watched a movie as rain softly pattered against the windows. We were five months pregnant with such a hope instilled in us that, come three more months, we could hold our beautiful baby girl.

It was a calm, normal day. Trevor mentioned how great it felt to be able to have no worries, with his wife and baby by his side. Without warning, a sharp pain spread through my sides, and a nauseous feeling poured over me. My lower back throbbed, making it unbearable for me to sit still. I stood for breath when something trickled down my leg. Trevor witnessed it, and the look on his face mirrored the same terror I felt.

Kaia, are you all right? he asked in a panicky voice.

I think she’s coming, I muttered.

Trevor frantically reached into his pocket for his cell phone. He called our delivery doctor, Roy Williams. Hello?

Roy, it’s Trevor. Uh, K-Kaia’s, he stuttered, Kaia’s water broke.

Roy sighed deeply. He mumbled something under his breath. Okay. Calm down, Trevor. Get your things and bring Kaia to the hospital immediately. Be careful, he advised. See you then.

Trevor sprinted upstairs and grabbed our bag that we had prepacked a week back on a boring afternoon. We were practicing for the real thing, but neither of us expected it to come three months early. Trevor returned downstairs more calmly than before and walked me out to the car.

Are you all right, baby? he asked as he buckled me in. He peered into my eyes as if searching for some consolation.

I… I just want to be there, I told him.

He pecked me on the lips and shut my door carefully. The drive to the hospital was all but calm; my heart was pounding heavily, and I felt like I was growing sicker with every passing mile. My head grew hotter, and I could sense that Trevor was just as scared as I was. We’re gonna be okay, baby, he kept saying. She’s gonna be all right.

As soon as we got to El Camino’s emergency unit, Roy and his wife, Julie, met us at the door with a wheelchair, water, and a cold rag. Julie held the rag up to my head as Roy wheeled me down the hallway. I could hear Trevor calling from behind that everything was going to be okay. The pounding in my head progressed like gunfire. As we moved closer to the delivery room, Trevor’s voice, the machines, and all clamor and chatter grew quiet; and the hospital became dark.

When I woke up, I couldn’t feel my head. My whole body was aching, and I could hear Roy calling out things I couldn’t make out. Trevor had been crying, and when I opened my eyes, he jumped. I looked around the room, but I couldn’t tell what was going on. There were so many noises and voices, but I couldn’t actually hear anything.

This baby’s coming whether or not we want it to, Roy, Julie echoed.

I know, Roy mumbled. He adjusted himself in front of me and did his best to get my attention. Kaia, Kaia, are you okay? he asked me.

I tried to gurgle out words. I… don’t know.

Kaia, you have to stay with me. We’re about to deliver your baby, he told me. Big pushes, okay? Let’s go normal at first and then step it up gradually.

I started to push, but something didn’t feel right about it. The look on everyone’s faces was not of excitement but of concern. I pushed more as Roy guided me. I felt so light-headed, but I was determined to see my baby. In the end, waiting for at least Roy’s expression to change started to look almost hopeless.

The pain became stronger. I squeezed Trevor’s hand, but it felt to me that not even he was actually there. Everyone in the room was frozen in fear. Julie lifted my other hand and kissed it. She whispered to me that everything would be okay, but something in the cracking of her voice let me know otherwise.

I started to scream. My head throbbed on, and my heart beat faster every second. Sweat blurred my vision, and I begged God to see me through. The pain was like nothing I’d ever felt before. I kept pushing, but nothing seemed to change.

Suddenly, everything stopped, and the whole room grew quiet. I tried to be happy, but it was all so confusing. I heard no crying, and no one was smiling or laughing. Roy forlornly handed a silent body to the nurses behind him. I called out for my baby, but it was like everyone was against me.

Where is she going? Roy! Give me my baby! Roy!

Kaia, calm down. Roy spoke in a tone that was scarily tranquil. I tried getting up, but he and Julie held me in place. Kaia, you can’t go anywhere yet. Please stop moving.

I fought as much as I could until a nurse slipped something into my arm. All my energy drained from my body. What should have been a beautiful moment became one of the most haunting memories of my life.

****************************************************

The drive home half a week later was long and awfully silent. The entire time, we hadn’t said a word to each other. Trevor wouldn’t even look at me. I couldn’t blame him, though. Time and time again, we had gotten our hopes up, only to be let down once again—this time for the third time—and in a way that the amount of brokenness we felt just didn’t seem real.

As we drove through the night, the darkness of the sky seemed to reflect our own emotion. I could tell Trevor was tired because I was too. It wasn’t necessarily in the sleepy sense, but he was tired, and something made me feel like he was tired of me. When Roy stood before us to tell us for the first time that we had miscarried, Trevor had a look of heartbreak and utter disappointment. But there was hope still in his blue eyes that outshined the grey in them. He offered me a warm We’re gonna be okay and an emotional long embrace as we cried. The second time, he was so shocked that it had happened once again, with the same disappointment in his eyes, heavier that time. But the third time, it was different. When he and Roy came in after the delivery of our stillborn baby, Trevor wept. He wept painfully as he hugged Roy. Instead of trying to talk him down, Roy simply held him. Julie was at my side, and we cried together.

Later that day, when Trevor and I were alone, he glowered at me with such a brokenheartedness as if to say, You did this to me. You’ve done it every time. Will you ever stop? I understood Trevor’s misery because I was going through it too. Every time Roy told us of our miscarriages, it was like he took pieces of our hearts that we could never get back. But when Roy spoke to us about our baby not making it through the labor, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I felt like every piece inside of me suddenly stopped working and that I would never fully regain consciousness. It hurt so terribly to know that no amount of hopefulness or togetherness could allow us to keep our babies. It was a higher power we were dealing with, and I just felt so alone with two of the men that controlled my life. They were treating me as if I didn’t matter or, worse, that I was the problem. I tried not to blame God, and I tried not to fault Trevor for his behavior, but nothing seemed to be in our favor.

Once we were both in a state to speak, Roy—also a longtime friend of ours—expressed to us that, if we needed anything, he and his wife Julie were there for us and that they would do whatever it took to help us get back on our feet. Trevor shot him the same look and said, "You have kids. I don’t need your comfort because you don’t know how I feel," and stormed out. Roy didn’t respond.

That day, it didn’t hurt me that Trevor was angry. What really got to me was that he had said, "How I feel." What did he mean by that? Was I not feeling the same thing he was? Did I not have to carry three babies within me, getting my hopes up, creating lives for them, all to have it taken away from me before I could even blink?

I brushed my thoughts aside because I knew, if I thought that way for too long, I’d lose my mind trying to decipher what Trevor meant when he was hurt. We pulled into the driveway to our home fit for a family. I knew it haunted him to pull into our driveway. Every time, the house would become emptier and emptier as if it wasn’t long until the two people who lived there would turn into ghosts within the walls.

Trevor and I stayed in the SUV long after he cut the ignition. We sat in an awkward silence, but I didn’t want to go into the house alone. Finally, he spoke up. Do you need me to help you in? I wanna be alone.

No, I replied. I want to talk.

Look, Kaia, he sighed. It’s getting late. I’m not in the mood either. This past week has been the worst I’ve ever dealt with, and it’d really be best if you just go in.

That’s exactly what I want to talk about—why you keep saying things like it’s only you who’s going through this. Am I not dealing with the same thing you are? Tears welled up in my eyes. I tried to fight them off. I’m hurting so much right now, Trevor, physically and mentally. And what I need is for the man I delivered my vows to, to be there for me like he promised.

You just don’t understand. I mean, I don’t even understand, he said simply.

What do I not understand, Trev?

Nothing, it’s just hard, he said quietly.

What do you mean by that? I asked.

I just feel like maybe God’s trying to tell us something with this.

Like what? That we should go another way with this? I asked, begging through my words to get my husband to reassure me that things weren’t falling out of place for us.

Maybe… maybe apart.

Are you really saying this right now, Trevor? You really think that, because I can’t keep a baby, maybe we don’t belong together? He sighed but said nothing. "That’s exactly what you’re thinking. What happened to us, Trevor? You said after that first time that—

That was two years ago, Kaia.

What happened to us, Trevor? I asked, this time hoping to get a response from the Trevor I fell in love with.

Didn’t you hear Roy? We died. Inside of you.

With those few words, I could feel my heart begin to disintegrate within me. Tears streamed down my face without control. The one man who had the power to build me up or tear me down was stopping at nothing to destroy the last bits of hope I had left. I unbuckled my seat belt and sat for a minute to take in the reality of the situation. Your piece of us may have died with those babies, but an actual piece of me died with them. You didn’t have to go through months of pain and hopefulness just to have it all shattered within you. But one thing I still have left is my piece of our forever, and it is here, waiting for you to come to your senses. Good night, Trevor.

Chapter One

So how are you and Trevor taking these days? Piper asked as she played with a sugar packet.

It’s been a few months, but it’s still been difficult, I admitted. You know we haven’t really talked about it since that day in the SUV.

What do you mean? she asked.

Losing Journey, I explained.

I’m sorry, Kaia, she said, placing her hand on mine. I still can’t believe it either.

He’s been acting different lately. I mean, he has been so much better, and we have been intimate. But sometimes he comes home late from work, claims he’s too tired to even have dinner, and ends up sleeping in the nursery. I’m still kinda worried about him, Pipe.

I find it crazy that the once-beautifully-perfect man you had fallen in love with is acting this way, Piper said. Piper was a high-in-demand, all-around events photographer by day and a bus girl by night. She knew Trevor long before me. We met and became best friends in college. Do you think maybe he’s involved in something else?

You mean like cheating? No, I don’t think he would. He’s been different but not cheating different. I tried to reassure myself.

Actually, I meant like alcohol or drugs. A lot of people see their way out of situations like yours with an escape that is sure to keep them occupied, Piper explained.

Trevor would never, I said yet somehow unsure. He’s always been a clean-cut kind of guy. I think maybe he just needs his time, that’s all.

Time causes divorce, she said.

You would know, wouldn’t you? Single and all. I laughed.

Speak of the devil, here he comes now, she said, ignoring my comment.

Out the window of the Cozy Club—the coffee shop we were in—there he was, tall and broad, with his dirty blond hair gleaming in the sunlight. He carried a bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates in his arms. He skipped in gracefully and happily.

I thought I’d find you two here. He walked over to me and handed me the bouquet as he pulled me in for a kiss. For you, baby, just because.

Somebody wants something, Piper teased.

Piper, how have you been? Still happy as ever busing tables? Trevor teased back.

"Oh, busing tables is the life, Trev. But you know, it is a load when I have to bus tables and counsel the wife you should be caring for. Look at that, I’m more of a husband than you’ll ever be," she retorted.

Piper, no need for that, I told her.

Now, Kaia. Trevor can fend for himself. He’s a big boy. Piper continued.

No, she’s right, Kaia. I deserved that, Piper, he said, laying a hand on her shoulder. I wasn’t the type of man I should have been, but that’s not who I am. Things have been hectic, but I’ve never worked on myself more in my life. He slipped into the booth next to Piper. But anyway, I didn’t just bring these treats with me. I have some good news.

What is it? I asked, handing a chocolate to Piper and taking one for myself.

Well, after our checkup last week, Roy told me that he’s noticed some changes in you.

Changes?

In your body. He said something very different is going on and that your body seems to be preparing itself for a special something, he explained through smiling eyes.

Trevor, I don’t mean to burst your bubble, but he said that the last three times, I said, brushing the subject aside. You know I’ve only been taking these treatments in case I can get my eggs frozen for a surrogate. But for now, I don’t want to go through this again.

No, Kaia. He said it was different this time. He seemed so sure of it that I couldn’t help but believe him.

Look, Trev, I think we should talk about this at home. You’re interrupting our lunch date, I said, motioning the apparently delusional Trevor to acknowledge Piper.

Actually, Piper said, I was just leaving. Got some tables to bus. She winked at Trevor as he gave her an apologetic smile. Text me later. See ya, Kaia.

I waved good-bye to my friend. Trevor stood impatiently. What do you want me to say, Trevor? I’m not in any place to have another baby taken from me so prematurely. You have to respect my feelings too. This whole year has put me into a rut, and I need to at least try to get out before I throw myself back in.

He stared at me, and his once-smiling blue eyes turned grey. Okay. I guess I’ll be getting back to work. See you at home. He kissed my forehead and walked out of the coffee shop more slowly than he’d walked in, with his head down and his heart on his sleeve.

I felt bad, but I wasn’t about to make myself sick at heart all over again. We’d both had enough regarding pregnancy, and I didn’t see any sense in going through another just yet. We were barely starting to patch things up, and I couldn’t help but think that maybe we just weren’t cut out to have children.

I sat in my booth alone, sipping on my Frappuccino, as I watched Trevor get into his pickup. He worked at El Camino, a hospital not very far from where we lived. Sunnyvale wasn’t big, but it was just enough for Trevor and me. It was a place where we originally planned on raising a family and thus making it home for all of us.

I worked alongside Trevor as his nurse at the hospital until we got pregnant the first time. I returned to work shortly after our first miscarriage, but it hurt too much to be at the same place where I was delivered the bad news. I left my job at El Camino and started work at a maternity clinic where Roy and his wife, Julie, also worked three days a week. Julie worked on one side of the clinic, and I worked on the other. Because of its large size, we didn’t see each other often. I put in five days a week from eight to three as an obstetrician assistant. After our second miscarriage, I shortened my hours to three days a week. Trevor continued working at El Camino as a physician’s assistant in the upper branch of the hospital. He worked full time, which meant he came home late some days. The days he came home late really did weigh down on me after a while.

I didn’t always know exactly why he came home late, and I was never in any state