Wife Beater Shirt Optional: There Is No Dress Code for Domestic Violence

By Laura Streyffeler Ph.D. LMHC

Have you ever wondered:
“Why doesn’t she/he just leave?”
“Why does he let her push him around? He’s such a big guy?”
“How can it be domestic violence? I’ve never seen a bruise on her/him?”
“Why doesn’t she/he just call the cops?”
People often ask these questions when they do not have a full understanding of the dynamics of domestic violence.
“Wifebeater” shirts are a stereotype not a style. In Wife Beater Shirt Optional, Dr. Laura Streyffeler dispels the myths and stereotypes about domestic violence and helps the reader to have a stronger understanding of the dynamics of domestic violence.
Dr. Streyffeler will also help the reader understand the differences between a healthy, unhealthy and abusive relationship.
All relationships experience challenges, conflict, and changes. Often times when these challenges and conflicts occur, couples struggle to communicate in a loving and healthy way. Conflict occurs when two (or more) people disagree. Conflict is a normal and healthy part of a relationship. If conflict escalates into verbal or physical violence, and one partner attacks the other, instead of addressing the problem, that’s abuse.
In a healthy relationship, both partners want to resolve the conflict. In an abusive relationship, one partner wants to solve the conflict, but the abusive partner does not care about solving the conflict. He/she only wants to “win”, be right or get his/her or way.
When one person has all the control in the relationship, makes all (or most) of the decisions, and will do whatever it takes to win and get his/her way and maintain control in the relationship, that is an abusive relationship…even if there has never been physical violence.
After unraveling the myths about domestic violence, trauma and the reasons why victims stay (and leave) abusive relationships, tools for assessing the types and extent of the abuse, and practical safety planning for leaving an abusive relationship are provided. If you, or someone you care about, question whether or not you are in an abusive relationship, then this book is for you.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Oct 20, 2017
• ISBN: 9781504388221

Laura Streyffeler Ph.D. LMHC

Dr. Laura Streyffeler is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and a Board Certified Expert in Traumatic Stress. She is also an expert in domestic violence and forensic counseling. Dr. Laura Streyffeler maintains a psychotherapy practice while providing professional trainings and serving as an expert witness in domestic/sexual violence and other trauma related court cases.

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Copyright © 2017 Dr. Laura Streyffeler.

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The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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ISBN: 978-1-5043-8821-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-8823-8 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-8822-1 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2017914730

Balboa Press rev. date: 09/05/2019

CONTENTS

Preface

This Book Is Not for Victims Alone!

Introduction

Pretest: Myths and Truths Quiz

Directions

Chapter 1: What Is Domestic Violence?

Substance Abuse and Domestic Violence

Mental Health and Domestic Violence

What Domestic Violence Is Not

False Allegations

Assholes and Bitches

Communication versus Control

Codependency versus Control

Anger versus Control

Chapter 2: Types of Abuse in an Intimate Partner Relationship

Physical Abuse

Emotional Abuse

Mental or Psychological Abuse

Gaslighting

Destruction of Property or Hurting Pets

Sexual Abuse or Coercion in a Relationship

Environmental Abuse

Chapter 3: Dynamics of Domestic Violence

Part 1: Power and Control in Intimate Partner Relationships

Power and Control Wheel

Part 2: Types of Abuse in an Intimate Partner Relationship

Using Intimidation

Using Emotional Abuse

Using Isolation

Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming

Using Children

Using Male Privilege

Financial or Economic Abuse

Coercion and Threats

Part 3: Cycle of Violence

The Three Stages of the Cycle of Violence

Chapter 4: Domestic Violence in the LGBTQ Community

Chapter 5: Why Victims Stay—and Leave

Hope versus Fantasy

Grief and Loss

Privacy versus Secrecy

Learned Helplessness

Lack of Emotional Support from Family and/or Friends

Fear of Being Punished or Even Killed for Leaving the Relationship

Feeling Responsible for the Abuse

Feelings of Guilt about the Failure of the Relationship and Breaking up the Family

Financial Dependence

Fear of Losing Their Children

Lack of Faith and Trust in Law Enforcement

Feelings of So-Called Love

Lack of Faith and Trust in the Court System

Religious Reasons

Why Victims Leave

Chapter 6: Trauma and Domestic Violence

Part 1: Three Components of Trauma (or Traumatic Events)

Part 2: Three Types of Trauma

Traumas Caused by Nature

Traumas Caused by Accident

Traumas Caused by Another Person

Part 3: Symptoms of Trauma

Physical Symptoms of Trauma

Emotional Symptoms of Trauma

Behavioral Symptoms of Trauma

Cognitive Symptoms of Trauma

Part 4: Responses to Trauma

Fight or Flight Response

Anger and Trauma

Acute Stress Disorder and Domestic/Sexual Violence

PTSD and Domestic and/or Sexual Violence

Chapter 7: Assessing for Domestic Violence and Lethality

Intimate Partner Lethality Assessment

Section 1

Section 2: Types of Abuse

Section 3: History of Violence and/or Abuse

Chapter 8: Safety Planning with Victims of Intimate Partner Violence

Here Are Some Tips

Protecting Yourself Once You Have Left

Chapter 9: Mandated Reporting

Chapter 10: Domestic Violence and the Courts

Criminal Courts

Family Court

Chapter 11: One Last Story

Chapter 12: No More Myths: Truths Revealed

Appendices

Resource Index

References

DEDICATION

To every person who has trusted me enough to share their story, secrets, and soul with me, you have been my teacher. I honor you, I thank you, and I dedicate this book to you.

Laura Streyffeler

PREFACE

M any years back, I was working with an upper-middle-class woman who came to see me because she was having, as she put it, trouble in her marriage. She explained to me that her husband was jealous and controlling, called her names, treated her like his personal servant, and isolated her from her family and friends. She added that he only hit me once, and that was because I wouldn’t stop arguing and pushed him too far. It was my fault.

I explained to her that his inappropriate behavior was abusive and not her fault and that she was a victim of domestic violence. She responded, That’s not possible! I asked her why she didn’t believe that she was a victim of domestic violence. I was surprised by her response, in which she referred to women whom she considered actual victims of domestic violence: You know, they live in trailer parks and their husbands wear wifebeater shirts. Smiling at her naïveté, I said, I didn’t know there was a dress code for domestic violence!"

I later realized that her response was genuine. Due to a lack of information about domestic violence, she truly believed the myths perpetuated by bad television shows and popular culture. Since then, I have worked with a number of men and women who did not realize that the trouble in their relationship was abuse related. In twenty-five years of providing therapy to clients who report relationship problems, I have found many did not know that they were in abusive relationships. Even without the presence of physical violence, emotional and mental violence are still violence. They are being victimized, regardless of how strong, independent, intelligent, and/or financially secure they are! They are the catalysts that motivated me to write this book.

This Book Is Not for Victims Alone!

The more we understand about domestic violence, the better equipped we are to recognize and fight it.

In 1987, I moved to Florida with two suitcases and a $175.00 check in my wallet. I moved into my parents’ garage apartment. I left everything else behind, including an abusive relationship. As part of my personal journey, filled with passion and a need for healing, I began volunteering at the local domestic and sexual violence shelter. Upon completion of my volunteer training, the shelter needed staff members; I became a residential crisis counselor and an on-call advocate to the hospitals and rape trauma center for victims of domestic and sexual violence. While working as a counselor, I began my masters in mental health counseling.

In June 1995, I started working at the local mental health counseling center, doing in home family counseling in cases of child abuse and neglect. Also, as part of my master’s program, I interned with the local substance abuse treatment facility. During this internship, I developed and facilitated a program for teenagers arrested for domestic violence and their families. I ran and directed the program until 2001. I received my master’s degree in 1996 and became a licensed mental health counselor in 1998. In 2001, I came full circle and returned to the domestic and sexual violence center as the clinical director and remained there for ten years, while also maintaining a part-time private practice.

In 2002, I started my PhD program and wrote my dissertation on the topic of traumatic stress in victims of domestic violence. In 2008, I published a research study that examined how licensed clinical professionals assess, diagnose, and treat victims of domestic violence. I learned that for many licensed clinical professionals, their knowledge of domestic violence, beyond the two-hour training required for licensure renewal, was often minimal. As a result, victims of domestic violence were being misdiagnosed and given inappropriate medication.

As a board-certified expert in traumatic stress and a clinically certified expert in domestic violence and forensic counseling, I have taught domestic violence courses at Florida Gulf Coast University to bachelor’s level criminal justice students. In addition, I created and facilitated a master’s level mental health counseling course in trauma at Hodges University. I’ve served as president of the county homeless coalition, spent eight years on a domestic violence fatality review board, was involved in the human trafficking task force, and have provided training to local agencies and community members. I have also taught domestic and sexual violence classes to both male and female inmates.

I wrote this book with the hope of educating and empowering all of those men and women who are, or have been, in controlling, abusive relationships and do not know it. By sharing some hypothetical examples, along with explanations and discussion, it is my hope that readers will see themselves in these scenarios, say that happened to me or that is happening to me, and realize that they are in an abusive or controlling relationship, whether the relationship includes physical violence or not. More importantly, I hope readers realize that it is the relationship that is unhealthy, that they are not crazy or alone, and that they need to seek out professional help. If some of the stories seem similar or redundant, that is because domestic violence is a pattern of behavior, not a single act. The pattern and its related behaviors are often textbook cases, and although the victim feels at fault and alone, she or he often has more in common with other victims than one might think.

One quick note: men’s white tank top undershirts are often referred to as wifebeaters, not spouse beaters, but perpetrators can be and often are females.

INTRODUCTION

I was working in a domestic violence shelter in the early 1990s, which included working a domestic violence hotline, before and during the O. J. Simpson trial. Back then, nobody talked about domestic violence. It was thought of as a family matter and never to be discussed in public. Airing your dirty laundry in public was against most family rules and appropriate social mores. As a result, people underestimated how many woman and men were being emotionally, mentally, physically, and/or sexually abused, manipulated, controlled, and/or threatened by their partners. Many of those who were being abused felt isolated, alone, and all too often, to blame.

At the time of the trial, no one wanted to believe that the beloved sports superstar, The Juice, was capable of domestic violence or murder. His public image was that of a man who could do it all, had it all, and was loved and respected by all. He was a role model for America’s youth. The O. J. Simpson trial began to open awareness and the conversation about domestic violence. Still, for many people, domestic violence was thought of as a physical violation, not an emotional, psychological or even a sexual one.

At the