Sacred Light: My Journey from Mormon to Mystic

By Myndee Joan Garrett

This book is intended to be a source of Light for those who are questioning their faith. It is simply a tool to help you find your sacred spiritual path in Life. What do you believe to be true that is untouchable, beyond doubt? Investigating your own treasured truths is an excellent place to begin your journey of illumination. What I know for sure is that a crisis can be the greatest gift. It is during our darkest moments that we can become extremely conscious of the precious Light within us. Let your wounds from Life reveal your authentic self by being a place for your Sacred Light to shine through. Losing my religion and discovering a profound faith in myself as a mystical being has convinced me that the greatest Love, purest Peace, and holiest Light must come from within. Love, Peace, and Light must be known in the very being of your Soul as the truth, and essence, of who you are in order to bestow genuine Love, Peace, and Light to others. Be the Light you want to see shining in this world so it can be reflected in every Soul you encounter. Breaking away from the Mormon Church created within me a profound yearning to speak my truth boldly, to live my Life unapologetically and authentically, to follow my heart unashamedly, and to contribute to the healing, and the encouragement, of others who are also finding their own way through this miraculous, mystical mystery called Life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Aug 3, 2016
• ISBN: 9781504356244

Myndee Joan Garrett

Myndee Joan Garrett is a spiritualist, a Holy Fire II Karuna Reiki® teacher, and a Shamanic/Holy Fire II Karuna Reiki® practitioner. She lives in the Salt Lake Valley of Utah with her husband and their five youngest children. Myndee has a Bachelor of Science degree from Utah State University in Family and Human Development. She is a certified Holy Fire II Karuna Reiki® Master Teacher and Practitioner. She is a Member of the International Center for Reiki Training. She is an ordained minister with the Universal Life Church. She has completed the Path of the Universal Shaman, both the Introduction and Advanced Intensive courses with Don Oscar Miro-Quesada. She has completed Inner Engineering with Sadhguru. She is currently a third year student of Paramahansa Yogananda’s Self-Realization Fellowship lessons. She is a spiritualist at The Spirituality Center teaching bi-monthly online classes. She is a student of Rosicrucianism; and lastly, she is a Certified Angel Card Reader through Doreen Virtue’s certification workshop. Myndee currently provides Sacred Light Healing Services through giving Sacred Light Reiki treatments, teaching a variety of Holy Fire II Reiki and Karuna Reiki® classes, ministering for marriages, offering angel card readings, and cleansing sacred spaces. For more information regarding the prices of services, dates of classes, or to schedule a Sacred Light Reiki treatment, please contact Myndee Garrett via her website or email accounts. Contact Information: Cell: 719-235-8239 Website: www.sacredlights.net Blog: sacredlighthealing.blogspot.com Email: [e-mail] Email: [e-mail]

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Sacred

Light

My journey from Mormon to Mystic

Myndee Joan Garrett

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Copyright © 2016 Myndee Joan Garrett.

Myndee Joan has a Bachelor of Science degree from Utah State University in Family and Human Development. She is a certified Usui/Holy Fire II Karuna Reiki ® Master Teacher and Practitioner.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Balboa Press

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-5043-5623-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-5622-0 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-5624-4 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2016906569

Balboa Press rev. date: 08/02/2016

~ Contents ~

Acknowledgments

Letter to the Reader

Preface

Part One ~ My Story

0 Who Am I?

1 Childhood Dreams

2 My Babies

3 Pushing Pioneer Handcarts

4 An Angel on Earth

5 The Plan of ‘Happiness’

6 The Elephant in the Room

7 Mormon Temple Rituals

8 Unusual Underwear

9 Like A Virgin

10 My Dark Night of the Soul

11 Metanoia

12 Eight Is Enough

13 Profound Peace

14 Hippie Magick

15 Until We Meet Again

16 Messages from Mother

17 A Lost Sheep

18 Shamanism

19 Minister Myndee

20 Illuminated By Sunlight

21 Crying For A Vision

22 What’s in a Name?

23 I No Longer Give…

24 Ignorance Is Not Bliss

25 Let the Consequence Follow

Part Two ~ My Path

26 Ho’oponopono

27 Sexual Sovereignty

28 It’s A Mystifying Life

29 Spiritual Expressions

30 A Pearl of Great Price

31 Keys to the Kingdom

32 Key #1 Mind

33 Key #2 Correspondence

34 Key #3 Vibration

35 Key #4 Polarity

36 Key #5 Rhythm

37 Key #6 Cause and Effect

38 Key # 7 Gender

39 Key #8 Care

40 Journey through the Chakras

41 Mystical Contemplation

42 A Holy Trinity

43 The Second Coming

44 F.E.A.R.

45 Sacred Spaces

46 A Firm Foundation

47 The Hearts Sincere Desire

48 Let Light Lead Life

49 A Goddess Warrior

50 Sacred Light

51 Afterword

Glossary

Bibliography

About the Author

~ Dedication ~

Write a name, a women’s name. She was born, what time, what place? Read her journal, feel her spirit, I can see her face. ~ Married, yes, and very young; died, a fact as sure as time. Strange to read a date so distant, yet the name is mine… ~ I will be as you someday, lift the pen, what does it tell? Words on paper saying softly, love life, live it well. ~ Laurie A. Huffman

This book is dedicated to my devoted grandma Ruby, a rare gem, and true exemplar of Love who taught me to love life and to live it well! I love and miss you grandma!

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This book is also dedicated to my fantastic family. Without them, I could not have fulfilled my purpose in life. To Randy, my beloved husband and my cherished friend, I love you. Thank you for loving me and supporting me through this experience! To all my loving, thoughtful, and beautiful, children: Alex and Stacey, Michael and Sahara, Richard, Brandon, Myranda, Logan, Emmalee, Randy Jaxon, and to my first sweet grandchild Molly May. I love every single one of you dearly! I hope that each of you will always remember the precious truth of who you are so that your Sacred Light will forever luminously shine onto the world as a beacon of God’s love!

~ Acknowledgments ~

I want to take this opportunity to acknowledge my family, because without their help I could not have accomplished the objective to give my voyage a voice. I acknowledge that sacrifices were made by everyone in my family in order for me to complete this project from my Sacred Self. Dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning, and many other household duties of mine were neglected in order to create this book. From the depths of my heart, I want to express my appreciation to my family for their loving support, their patience, and even for the un-enthusiastic assistance they offered to me during this process. I cherished and valued it all!

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I want to acknowledge and express my gratitude to all the people who have helped me at Balboa Press for guiding me through the process of authoring my first book. It was truly a wonderful experience. My deepest admiration and appreciation extends to my friends at Balboa for their support so that I could achieve my vision!

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Author’s Disclaimer: The views in this book are the responsibility of the author. The reader is responsible for the use of any information, or ideas, provided by this book. True Believing Mormons referred to as TBM’s throughout this work, could perhaps have a desire to read this book. If you are a TBM, and choose to look at this information, skipping chapters seven, eight, nine, twenty four, and twenty five would be my recommendation. Those chapters could bring on cognitive dissonance, which may weaken, or break, an already heavy shelf! Also take note, if the ‘F’ word offends you, please skip chapter twenty three.

~ Letter to the Reader ~

Aloha everyone,

This book is intended to be a source of Light and Hope for those who are questioning, or doubting, their faith. This book is simply a tool to help you find your voice, your truth, and your sacred spiritual path in Life. What do you believe to be true that is untouchable, beyond doubt? Investigating your own special, treasured truths is an excellent place to begin your journey of illumination. Research, read, review, and revise those beliefs until you recognize your truth.

Integrity, authenticity, and faith in yourself are the finest values to embrace in Life because in the end, it is all about living your Life consciously, and genuinely, for your own personal growth and expansion. No one else can do this for you. It is a voyage for you alone, only you can advance your Soul.

What I know for sure is this; it is during our darkest moments that we can become extremely conscious of the precious Light within us. A crisis can be the greatest gift. Let your wounds from life reveal your authentic self by being a place for your Sacred Light to shine through. Your Life is a miraculous gift. I know that it is possible to live it wholly, abundantly, joyfully, and authentically. Losing my religion and discovering a profound faith in myself as a mystical being while wandering along this magical path through Life has convinced me that the greatest Love, purest Peace, and holiest Light must come from deep within us. Those genuine qualities cannot be truly known from the outside. Love, Peace, and Light must first be known in the very being of your Soul as the truth, and the essence, of who you are in order to bestow genuine Love, Peace, and Light to others. Be the Sacred Light you want to see shining in this world so it can be reflected in every Soul you encounter. I am optimistic that reading my entire story will help you remember this truth: you are simply, purely, and truly created from Sacred Light energy and Divine Love energy; and, that makes you astonishingly powerful and tremendously essential to this world!

Namaste!

MJG

~ Preface ~

This is my Life…my story…my book. I will no longer let anyone else write it; nor will I apologize for the edits I make. ~ Steve Maraboli

While I do enjoy expressing myself through writing, I had never considered the possibility of being an author; until now. If you would have told me at the start of 2015 that I would soon write and publish my first book, sharing an account of my Life, I absolutely would have laughed at you; and thought, "Yeah, right!" However, if I have learned anything on this mystical, magical, spiritual path through Life it is how to recognize divine inspiration from the Sacred Self.

This mission to put ‘pen to paper’, or better yet, ‘fingers to the keyboard’, came from that sacred space within me ‘that knows’. We all have that place within us that is intimately connected to something greater than us. My desire to open up and speak out about my experience of leaving an organized religion behind came from that serene, tranquil, silent, deep place within me ‘that knows’. Although I do not practice any particular modern-day, man-made religion, I am sincerely spiritual and devotedly mystical in pursuing the route of what I call ancient, pure ‘religion’.

In the spring of 2015, an intense aspiration to share my story started to blossom and grow within me. As I wrote my feelings down, and gave them a voice, it became unbelievably healing for my wounded heart and shattered Soul. Leaving a manipulative and controlling belief system is an exceptionally difficult thing to do. Breaking away from the Mormon Church created within me a profound yearning to speak my truth boldly, to live my Life unapologetically and authentically, to follow my heart unashamedly, and to contribute to the healing, and the encouragement, of others who are also finding their own way through this miraculous, magical, mystical mystery called Life. Losing my religion allowed me to unearth the precious pearl buried within my heart, only to discover that it held amazing power within its beautiful luminous sphere, power that I had meekly and inconspicuously buried myself a long time ago. A Power I was ready to reclaim.

Brené Brown said, Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy, the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light. (1) This is what I have come to realize from my own incredible journey out of the dark dogma of Mormonism, ‘the infinite power of my light’, through embracing, claiming, and owning my inimitable story!

Sharing my personal story is a bona fide labor of love. I am revealing my authentic self in this book. I am feeling very vulnerable as I expose my whole Life to the public; but also very encouraged, that it will offer hope to someone else who is suffering alone in the darkness, like I was, to know there is a community of compassion available here in this immense world, they are not alone, and peace can absolutely be attained without belief in, or devotion to, man-made religions. I have been there, in anguish, in the shadows, feeling alone, feeling like I was the only one who had ever gone through a colossal crisis of faith. I am here to declare, there comes an indisputable, incredible, brilliant Light after encountering a wintry ‘dark night of the soul’. Because of our dark nights, some of the finest gifts will emerge from deep within our hearts. They are truly blessings in disguise. Our ‘dark night’ can help us awaken to the truth of who we really are. If we will let it, our dark nights can help us remember and revive the Sacred Light within us.

This is an account of my spiritual and mystical passageway through Life. It is a narrative about faith, purpose, awakening, love, compassion, healing, joy, and miracles. It involves a strict, religious childhood, a special vocation for my life, a deviating ‘dark night of the soul’, and a beautiful ignition of the Sacred Light within my heart which has forever transformed my Life. This book embodies my voyage from ‘Mormon to Mystic’; from living my Life as a faithful L.D.S woman to living my Life as the faithfully, mystical Goddess Warrior that I AM.

The truth is we are all ‘God’ expressing ‘Itself’ in the physical form. Sadhguru, in one of his Isha blog’s said, The Source of creation is within you. You can be just a piece of flesh, or you can be the Creator himself. This is why we are all so spectacularly powerful! We can all make the choice to consciously co-create our Life with God, or to continue along, unconsciously inhabiting this momentary world, living an inauthentic life. The choice is always up to you.

This is my Life.., my story.., and my book. It is a collection of my personal opinions, experiences, interpretations, and perspectives on Life. Names and places have not been changed since the most fundamental reason why I am writing this book is for the healing of my own wounded heart. I am writing this book for me, because I know that when one of us is healed everyone else heals as well; plus, I want to leave my children my ‘testimony’ of the fact that they can irrefutably live a beautifully authentic and spiritual Life without being a part of any religious institution. This book is in print because of them. This composition was written as if I were having a precious conversation with my cherished children. If you are reading these words consider yourself a significant member of my venerated, Super-Soul family to each of you I say, Thank You! And, Aho Mitakuye Oyasin!

The words, thoughts, concepts, and ideas that fill the pages of this book come straight from my affectionate heart to yours. This is my authentic life on paper. It is my unique story as I see it. I own it. I claim it. Now, I bless it, and release it, intending that it will come across the paths of those who need to hear its passionate message; which is, we are simply Sacred Light energy and Divine Love energy resembling God, ‘THE ALL’, our marvelous, miraculous, and Divine Source of Life.

~ Part One ~

My Story

Chapter Zero

~ Who Am I? ~

Remember the clear light, the pure clear white light from which everything in the universe comes, to which everything in the universe returns; the original nature of your own mind, the natural state of the universe, un-manifest. Let go into the clear light, trust it, and merge with it. It is your own true nature; it is home. ~ The Tibetan Book of the Dead

The truth of who I am, and the truth of who you are, is the most powerful and significant knowledge we possess. Yet, most of us don’t remember this truth, because in order to remember the truth of who you are, you need to forget about who they have told you to be. The truth is we are purely Sacred Light energy and Divine Love energy. I didn’t remember this truth until recently.

This chapter is numbered ‘zero’ for a significant reason. Zero represents the void from which we all come; therefore, zero represents everything and nothing all at once. Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len worked under Morrnah Nalamaku Simeona learning the updated Ho’oponopono prayer. He says this about the meaning of Life, The only purpose in your life and mine is the restoration of our Identity, our mind, back to its original state of void, or zero, of purity of heart, through non-stop cleaning. It is in the void, at zero, where Divine Love resides, providing inspiration for perfect relationships, perfect health, and perfect wealth…. Only Divine Love can transmute toxic memories into pure energies. Divine Love is the only source of Inspiration and enlightenment... Dr. Ihaleakala says answering this one question is the most important thing we must accomplish in our lifetime. It is… who am I?

I think of Earth life like the teardrop crystal prism that hangs in the window of my Reiki room. In the morning, when the sunlight is coming through the window it strikes that crystal prism creating beautiful, little rainbows all across the room. It’s magical. It’s my favorite place to start the day as I sit and sip my freshly made lemon, orange, ginger, and honey tea before doing my morning meditation, watching the sparkling rainbows dance all across my Reiki room, if there’s a slight breeze outside. We are like the sunlight that shines through my crystal prism. We are all truly Sacred Light energy, pure Cosmic Christos Consciousness, which has lowered its vibration in order to descend to Earth to use a physical body for a while. When our Sacred Light, our Cosmic Christos Consciousness, enters the body and uses the mind, it is like when light enters a crystal prism. The light going through the crystal is divided into the seven colors of a rainbow. White Light goes in and a rainbow comes out, just like when we see a rainbow in the sky. The sunlight has become many colors. ‘The one’ becomes ‘the many’. We are all ‘the One’. But in this physical existence, we are predisposed to focusing on ‘the many’. We are obsessed with the rainbow, the illusion. We forget this truth of who we are. We forget this truth about everyone.

Our awareness is centered on the five physical senses, and the objective differences, which we see in everyone. When we are focused only on the body and the mind, we believe we are all separate from each other and separate from God as well, not united as ‘One’. We have been taught to rely only on our five objective senses, but in actuality, we have many more senses that just those five. What is commonly called our ‘sixth sense’ is our union with God. We just can’t observe it like the other five physical senses, but it doesn’t make it any less real. We can’t physically observe the cells in our body working, reproducing, and dividing but we know that they are. Our intuition, our inspiration, our heart space is our sixth sense.

The mind and the body function as the crystal prism. It is mostly through the mind that we are divided into ‘the many’. Therefore, it is through the mind that we can bring ‘the many’ back into ‘the One’. Change must first happen at the level of the mind in order for us to remember the truth of which we are created. We are not separate from God or each other at all. Truthfully, we are all intimately connected. A good analogy of this spiritual truth is the oak tree. This great tree divides its life into thousands of little acorns, each having the potentiality to become a mighty oak tree when they are immersed into the soil and nourished. So it is with God. God breaks his ‘Oneness’ into fractions, or ‘seeds’, Cosmic Christos Consciousnesses, and imparts these fragments into every human soul, this ancient Sacred Light is within us all. We are like the little branch that quivers during a storm, doubting our strength and forgetting that we are the tree-deeply rooted to withstand all life’s upheavals. (Dodinsky) We are a reflection of our Creator; the microcosm is the mirror image of the Macrocosm.

When we die, our Life will continue on as Sacred Light, Divine Love, and Cosmic Christos Consciousness. I and my Father are one is a statement Jesus made in John 10:30. (17) It is a significant statement about all of us. Our essential connection to God is what makes us all exceptionally powerful! This power manifests from within us when we remember, acknowledge, and live this transcendent truth; we are all ‘the one’. Our quest in life is to be mindful of this before we breathe our last precious breath, and go home into the beautiful, lucid, white Sacred Light of God from which we were created.

Marianne Williamson, in her book A Return to Love said, Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. (23) I didn’t always understand, or appreciate, the fact that I am truly powerful. Actually, for most of my life, I felt very powerless. I was unaware of this celestial spark of heavenly Sacred Light wanting to shine luminously forth from within me.

I was living my existence the way I was told was right. But, it didn’t feel right to me. I thought that questioning my beliefs about Life was the same as questioning God. I was taught that God will not be mocked. If I questioned what I had been taught about God that was the same as mocking God. Who was I to question Him? Who was I to doubt what ‘the church’ said about Him? Who was I to doubt my faith? Who was I anyway? I believed I was nobody worthy of questioning the truth as I had been told it as a child that is who I was.

Growing up, I was repeatedly told that I was super lucky and extremely special because I was born into the one true religion out of all the religions in the world, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints; in other words, the Mormons, or the L.D.S Church. Out of all the billions of people on this planet, and the thousands of religions, I was born into a family that believed in the one and only correct faith on this earth; the only church that has all the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth! What are the odds of that? I was taught that Mormonism was the only true path to reach Heaven. It was the only way to be with those you’ve loved after you die. I had to be a good, faithful Mormon, and endure to the end if I wanted to be with my loved ones in the afterlife. I had been born into God’s only true church. If I doubted that fact, I was throwing away a precious gift from God, and rejecting God outright. How could I doubt that gift, or even question it? I didn’t. I never questioned it; until, I broke.

Breaking changed everything for me! In my most weakened state, I become conscious of my true strength. When you have nothing left to lose, you become fearless. The fear of God, the Church, my parents, and what others would think of me if I changed my mind was now gone. I was discovering and reclaiming my power. Shattering was the ultimate compensation for my many years of endeavoring to live a Life that was established just because of my Mormon lineage. Mormonism never felt like ‘my’ path. It was definitely my family’s path, but I stuck to that way of thinking too, and believed in it all. Until, I was finally able to truly see another way to look at Life. I know that Mormonism had a big part to play in my life. Thankfully, it was only the first act, after my intermission, my ‘mid-life crisis’, the second act would amazingly take off, showing me there is so much more to Life than I once thought. In reality, Life is far more fabulous than I ever could have ever accurately imagined!

One motive I have for sharing my story this way is that maybe it will help someone else realize it is okay to question deeply held beliefs before you break. Carl Jung said, Thoroughly unprepared, we take the step into the afternoon of life. Worse still, we take this step with the false presupposition that our truths and our ideals will serve us as hitherto. But, we cannot live the afternoon of life according to the program of life’s morning, for what was great in the morning will be little at evening and what in the morning was true, at evening will have become a lie. I have come to understand clearly that what served me best in the morning of my life doesn’t serve me well in the afternoon of my life. I’ve learned it is okay to question and drop deeply held beliefs that no longer serve you at any time, young, middle aged, or elderly. Mormonism was true for me in the morning of my life. It did give me valuable experiences through the course of living it. But, it had become a lie for me in the afternoon of my life. Mormonism was not working for me any longer, and I was miserable trying to pretend that it was.

Kim Bayne said, In order to really change, we must first awaken… awaken from a life that no longer serves us, to become aware of a better way of life, a better way of thinking, to know there is more, to feel more, and to be more… to not just simply exist, because that just isn’t enough anymore. You can’t awaken anyone until they are truly ready to awaken. That is something that I would have to learn over and over again after leaving the church. It is why I didn’t question it before I broke. Even though I was clearly unhappy with my Life, I didn’t doubt the church, until I was really ready to be awakened to the truth of their deceptions. For once you truly, clearly see it; you can’t un-see it.

Deepak Chopra has said, Religion is belief in someone else’s experience. Spirituality is having your own experience. I unreservedly agree with that. I lived as a faithful Mormon for forty two years. That religion, the Mormon Church, was established upon Joseph Smith’s mystical, spiritual experiences. The problem with ‘prophets’ like that are they don’t want to share with you how to have your own spiritual, and mystical, connection to God like they have. They want you to depend on them for your salvation. They crave to be the ‘middle man’ between you and God. They want to receive revelations for you instead of you having divination for yourself. (Polygamy is a perfect example of this!) That was the belief system I grew up in, and believed in, for four decades.

It wasn’t until I was completely broken physically, spiritually, and emotionally, that I had the comprehension, I was truly in control of my own life, my future, and my destiny. I was 100% responsible for my Life, no one else! If I was despondent it was up to me to fix it! Now that I had all of my power back, I could clearly see that, naively, I had given all of my power away to outside influences, blaming them for my unhappiness. Finally, I was able to look closely at, and investigate, my beliefs, my values, and my viewpoints on Life with unbiased eyes. I had reached rock bottom. I thought I had nothing left to lose. Surprisingly, in the end, I would lose my religion; which in turn, helped me lose my fear of God, and my fear of death. Those were two magnificently powerful presents! They unlocked, opened, and freed my mind.

Challenging my beliefs was as scary as Hell. Because in my religion, of course that is where I will be going when I die. Since I have abandoned the church, it is most likely that I will spend all of eternity with Satan instead of my family. As a Mormon, it is made perfectly clear that apostates are in Satan’s power. Apostates are considered ‘servants of Satan’. The Oxford English dictionary defines apostate as, a person who renounces a religious or political belief or principle. However, the Greek meaning of the word is more accurate for my situation. In Greek, an apostate means a runaway slave. I am definitely an apostate. I have forsaken the religion of my childhood and escaped the indoctrinating slavery to which I was once bound. This type of ‘slavery’ is a mental slavery tied to man-made religions.

The threat of eternal damnation is why it was extremely hard for me to re-examine my deeply held, ingrained beliefs, and to change my way of thinking about them. Threats of eternal damnation are not meant to be taken flippantly or lightly. It was not a hasty decision for me to brazenly discard my once treasured truths and to leave the church. I had to thoroughly look at what I understood concerning Life and ask myself these questions. Why are we here on earth? Who are God, Jesus, and Satan in actuality? And, is Hell for real? These are just a few of the doctrines I un-regrettably and un-remorsefully scrutinized. Nothing was off limits once I gave myself permission to honestly reconsider and rethink what I knew about these and other subjects. Now that I have been through the process of giving up what I used to dearly value, truths I once held so close to my heart, I completely understand, and agree, that people who give up their former religious beliefs are some of the bravest and most courageous people in this world.

Because it is so hard to objectively re-evaluate our own way of life, or way of thinking, I believe not many people question the religions of their upbringing. At first, it is extremely upsetting to awaken; to go against the grain of your deeply held view points on life, and your family’s religious conviction, can be perilous to your peace of mind and to your mental health. Losing friends, family, and a comfortably familiar way of life is not for the weak-willed person. It takes true audacity, nerve, and valor to stand alone. I was terrified to leave the well worn path of Mormonism for one that was new, unfamiliar, and unproven. Nonetheless, I left. Leaving was the beginning of my awakening to the truth of who I am. It guided me to the discovery of my authentic self; it led me to the realization of the certainty of who I am. I AM Peace, I AM Divine Love, I AM Joy, and I AM Sacred Light. Now, I identify with that Sacred Light within me. That is who I AM. That is my true self, my Sacred Self, my exact identity. It is who you truly are too.

You will undoubtedly comprehend what it is I stand for, and how I got to these conclusions, if you will continue to read my complete story. Why is it important for you to hear it? Why does it even matter if I share it? John Dehlin, the founder of Mormon Stories Podcasts, gives a great answer to the question of why we need to share our stories with each other. He started Mormon Stories for people like me to have a place to talk about their Mormon faith, or lack thereof. His web site played an imperative part in my journey to discover the truth about the Mormon Church.

Mormon Stories FB communities were also a huge support for me in the beginning of my transitioning out of the church. I made many friends in those groups. They will always hold a special place in my heart for all of their support, and encouragement, at that time in my life, to know I wasn’t alone in the process of leaving religion was priceless. This quote from Anna Grace Taylor sums up my feelings about my fellow ex-Mormons, she says, Some people appear in your life when you need them the most. They love you and lift you up, reminding you of the best, even when you are going through the worst. These people are not just friends, they are Earth Angels. I don’t know that I could have gotten through the pain of the church’s deception without the support from others who had already been through it. Their compassion was precious and priceless to me!

John was called to a disciplinary Council in January of 2015. That is what the church does when they are going to either excommunicate, or discipline a member in some way. At the end of his ‘court of love’ he gave a statement to the press, and to those waiting for him outside of the church building. John Dehlin magnificently spoke exactly what I feel, he said, …I settled on the name Mormon Stories because I had come to believe in the power of stories. Before we tell our stories we sit alone in the darkness, suffering, thinking we are the only ones, thinking we are crazy, feeling broken. But there is power in story. In telling our stories, we decide to come out of the darkness to come out of our closets. In telling our stories, we begin the journey of discovering and revealing our authentic selves. It is a lifelong endeavor because our stories don’t end with their original story telling. The journey of authenticity, self discovery, and self empowerment often begin with the telling of our story. In telling our stories, and listening to the stories of others, we learn new information, new approaches, and new perspectives…… On Tuesday Feb 10th, 2015 John Dehlin was officially excommunicated from the Mormon Church for apostasy. I too have come to believe in the power of sharing our stories. That is why I am willing to lay my Life, my heart, and my Soul out in the open for everyone to see and to judge. However, I do want to be clear, this story I’m telling is not who I am. It is important for all of us to verbalize our stories and to speak our truth in order to help others to awaken and to become aware. But, it is crucial not to become attached to the stories we tell. They are not who we are. They are just the experiences we have encountered while floating along on this beautiful, graceful river called ‘Life’. Letting go of our stories is just as vital as telling them. Writing and sharing my story is helping me to ‘let it go’ as well.

I love the work of Caroline de Lisser. She writes amazing poems, eloquently speaking my hearts cherished feelings. In a FB post she shared in 2015 she said, We don’t need to save people, everyone is connected, everyone is an expression of God/Goddess. We cannot enlighten what is already intrinsically enlightened at its core, the words shared from our higher self can only trigger others to remember what they already know, but when we embody divine presence…… we reach people on that deeper soul level where the truth of our divine connection manifests. When we embody the truth of who we are the whole collective moves with us in that direction, we enable the false masks of others to drop by our mere presence. My objective and purpose for candidly sharing my story is first and foremost to repair my wounded Soul from the devastation it experienced when I learned that all I had been taught, and was teaching my children, was in fact a lie. In these pages I am writing what I have not been able to say to my extended family, my friends, my children, or Randy, but which must be spoken by my lips in order for my broken heart to heal. Secondly, my intention is to assist others in awakening to the awareness that they are already enlightened beings illuminated with a majestic, Sacred Light from deep within them.

My main message is that we are more than just the body, the mind, our past, our future, our possessions, and our experiences in Life, so much more! We are intensely connected to a power greater than us, and it is always available for us to employ. Anita Moorjani said it so excellently in her book, Dying to be Me. She says, In truth, I’m not my body, my race, religion, or other beliefs, and neither is anyone else. The real self is infinite and much more powerful, a complete and whole entity that isn’t broken or damaged in any way. The infinite me already contains all the resources I need to navigate through life, because I’m One with Universal energy. In fact, I AM Universal energy. This is what I have been able to discover as well since journeying on this mystical, spiritual path; we are all one with Universal energy, the void, the zero point, the Divine, and that is what we will all return to when the body ceases to function. I have faith that this book will be of assistance to facilitate that ‘remembering’ for someone, because this truth is staggeringly important to realize. The assurance is we are only Divine Love energy and Sacred Light energy, which makes us fabulously and enormously powerful!

Chapter One

~ Childhood Dreams ~

Children must be taught how to think not what to think. ~ Margaret Mead

9 /11 was a special day for me for 33 years before it became a significant date to the world. I was born into this incarnation on September 11 th 1968. My family comes from a long line of Mormons that extends back to the very beginning of the Mormon Church. My great grandfather, my mother’s paternal grandfather, knew the prophet Joseph Smith. That fact was a big deal to our family. (Joseph Smith Jr. was the founding prophet of the Mormon Church.) This was possible because my great-grandfather was 69 years old when my grandfather was conceived. That paints an interesting picture in your mind, doesn’t it? He was also a polygamist. He married his second wife, my great-grandmother, when she was 21, and he was 53. She would have 10 children with him over the next 21 years, having a baby almost every other year. He had other children with his first wife too. However, did we ever talk about these important facts? No, never! Regardless of the disturbing situation in which it came about, (polygamy), we had ties back to the foundation of the Mormon Church through our family tree, and that was momentous.

Both my mother’s side, and my father’s side, of the family had ancestors who were pioneers that came west with the church to help settle Utah in those early years of the religion. I was told many horrendous accounts growing up about their trials while traveling west; and, how they sacrificed everything to live this religion so they could ‘faithfully endure to the end’ by following the prophet’s every word.

One example of the terrifying tales I was told as a child is about the Parker family in our ancestry who lost their young son somewhere along the westward trail. As soon as they discovered the boy was missing, the father went back and searched for him for several days. Their young son had spent a few frightening nights with a pack of wolves continuously encircling him before he was found. Thankfully, he was found alive. Of course, my family believed it was due to the pioneers faith, and prayers, that the boy was protected and eventually found. What stuck in my young mind, however, was not the story of endearing devotion, and faith in the church; it was the tale of terror, and suffering, that they endured by being obedient to Brigham Young. I thought the pioneers were extremely crazy for coming west without wagons because many of those who came with only handcarts died tragic, heartbreaking deaths while trekking on their way to ‘Zion’.

My mother was in D.U.P, Daughters of the Utah Pioneers. It’s an exclusive group of Mormon women who have ancestors that came across the plains for the church, hence the title, ‘Daughters of the UTAH Pioneers’. My paternal grandmother, Sylvia, was also in D.U.P. My family was tremendously proud of the fact that we came from authentic pioneer heritage. My parents deeply honored and respected our relatives for leaving us this legacy of faith.

When I was born my only brother was nineteen years old, and he was serving a mission for the church in New York State. He didn’t get to meet me until he was home from that mission two years later. I have three older sisters as well. The two oldest girls were seventeen and sixteen years old, and in high school, when I entered the family. My closest sister was eleven and a half years old at my birth. My parents had tried for many years to have another baby after her. Several miscarriages later, I finally materialized into this body and into this incredibly religious family.

My parents were both very devout Mormons who put the fear of God, and the fear of the church’s authority, in me at an early age. Church was not to be missed for any reason. Only severe illness, or injury, would get me out of it. Honestly, I hated being at church while I was growing up. From the very start, it all felt wrong to me. I felt like an outsider. I didn’t belong there. My biggest problems were I absolutely didn’t fit in with the mind set of patriarchal authority, I feared the God I was taught about, Jesus was only slightly less scary to me, and I felt like I wasn’t ever going to be good enough. Stories of ‘their’ judgments were preached more often than tales of their compassion. The lesson I was repeatedly taught while in my youth was to repent of my sins not to extend forgiveness and love to others.

I was really young when I remembered why I chose to come back to earth. I knew what my purpose was for this life time. I was going to be a mother of many children, which is probably why I was born into a Mormon family. Mormon girls are educated to believe it is important to get married and to have a lot of children. When I was a youth, marrying young and producing as many babies as you can was encouraged by the church for the young women out of high school. That part of me fit into that teaching of the church perfectly. It was the only part of me that fit in that religion.

I had memories of being an adult on this earth. I remembered being a mother in past lives. I had very vivid dreams most nights growing up, either happy ones of being a wife and a mother, or terrifying ones of dying a horrific death. Sleep was either my worst nightmare, or my greatest comfort, depending on which way my dreams, or memories, would go. I had many excessive fears as a child, and I still deal with these fears as an adult. Yes, it is possible that these phobias came from this life; but, I believe my greatest, irrational fears are from past lives.

The most persistent anxieties that I have dealt with for my entire life are the fear of drowning in the ocean, the fear of airplanes, and most especially, the fear of being torn apart by a grizzly bear. That last one is my #1 fear that I still, once in a while, have nightmares regarding. I have not confronted, or specifically tried to heal that fear yet; although, I will be heading to Alaska in August of 2017 where I will undoubtedly confront all of these fears while on that Alaskan adventure with my family. I believe these are not rational fears for a young child, or for an adult. Even though I still deal with all of these fears today, losing my religion helped me immensely in surmounting my fears of the ocean and of airplanes.

Because dreams of death were relived many, many nights growing up, I would beg to sleep with my closest sister; particularly, when it was only her and I left at home. My oldest sister had always let me sleep with her whenever I needed. She had left me to go serve a mission for the church in Arizona, and New Mexico, when I was three years old. That broke my tender tiny heart when she headed off to go serve God. I didn’t understand how God could possible need her more than I did. My other sister and brother were both out of the house and married by then. Usually my closest sister’s answer was a harsh, No! You cannot sleep with me! Then, I would plead with my parents to sleep in their king size bed. They too usually said no. I would be left alone crying in my room, until I couldn’t stay awake any longer. I would relive petrifying events, which I couldn’t quite recall while I was awake, but which became crystal clear to me at night.

The good memories/dreams were what I would try to concentrate on as I attempted to fall asleep. I vividly remembered being a mother. I would try to focus on those thoughts as I waited for sleep to overtake me. I couldn’t wait to grow up again. I was excited to one day find my husband, and to have our beautiful babies. I learned very quickly that this wasn’t information I could candidly share with my family. They didn’t believe in past lives, they thought my relentless fears were childish, and they had very little tolerance towards them.

One night when I was three years old, before my oldest sister left on her mission, I was going to sleep with her in her bed. Before we fell asleep, I started speaking softly to my belly. That is how I would to talk to my future children. She saw me whispering to myself, and asked me, What are you doing? I answered, I am telling my babies good night. Surprised, she asked, "What babies?" I told her, The babies in my tummy. I’m going to be their mommy. They are waiting to be born to me! Now, that part was okay to say, because in Mormonism, they believe in the preexistence. They believe there are Souls up in heaven waiting to be born specifically into Mormon families to get a body, and be tested here on earth, to see if they are worthy to live again with our Heavenly Father. That’s Mormonism in a nutshell. Hence the having as many babies as a woman can, giving all those Souls a chance to be born into Mormon families. Saying I had babies waiting to come down into my future family wasn’t strange, oddly enough. But stating I was terrified of bears, because