Over One Hundred Stories for Students: Amusing and Instructive Reading Matter for All Who Wish to Improve Their English

By Jojo Dee

This book is a simple collection of old stories, amusing and instructive but especially edited to be useful reading matter to all those young and ambitious men and women whose mother tongue is not English but who now realize the necessity of speaking and writing good English in order to progress in their chosen careers. It should appeal particularly to such persons in the Far East and in Central and Southern America.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Nov 6, 2015
• ISBN: 9781504991803

Jojo Dee

Born 1918 and matriculated with honors (1935, University of London). Conscripted in 1935 and served in the Royal Artillery until 1946 (discharged with rank of captain). Professional civil servant from 1946 to 1973. Full-time lecturer / senior lecturer from 1974 to 1983, specializing in law relating to building and construction contracts.

Book preview

© 2015 Jojo Dee. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 11/05/2015

ISBN: 978-1-5049-9179-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5049-9180-3 (e)

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

CONTENTS

Introduction

Sister Anna's War

The Ex-Convict

The Hi-Tech Hearing Aid

Stagestruck

Grammar-Could of Killed Him

The President of the USA

The Farmer who Married the most Beautiful Girl in the County

Moses and Zipporah

Short Story

The Sino-Japanese War (1936)

The London Bus-Conductor's Prayer

Grammar-Frying Pan

The Gurkha

Grammar-Adam and Eve

The Terrorist

Grammar-Laura Norder

Sid

Grammar-Kissing

The Patient with Dyspepsia

Grammar-Shall/Will

The Professionals

Grammar-Prepositions

The Snob

Multiple Twins

An Old Friend of the Groom

The Man who was Lost

Grammar-Affect/Effect

The Genie

The Detachment

Puns

The Hero

The Lost Dog

The Drunk

The Three Wise Men

The Octogenarian

Grammar-Relic/Relict

Americans

Grammar-Lie/Lay

The Man Who Did Not Play Golf

The Forces of Evil

Grammar-Commas

The Bridge Player

The Army Service Revolver

Grammar-Tickets

Robert and Julia

The Priest and the Rabbi

The Man Who Played Snooker

The Brigadier's Inspection

Grammar-Tears and Taxi

Prussian Military Personnel Management

The Stagehand

The Explorer and the Cannibals

The Missionary and the Cannibal.

Point of View

Grammar-Spelling

Chocolate

Johnson and the Jeep

Having The Builders In

Grammar-Corruptions

The Blind Man

Travel

Storm at Sea

Commuters

The Man Who Loved London

The Man Who Thought He Could Win At Wimbledon

Grammar-I/We

The Sultan with a Hundred Wives

Grammar-Only

The Honeymooners

A Visit to the Theatre

The Englishman Who Could Not Speak French

The Man Who Escaped From A Stalag

Grammar-Apostrophes

The Terminal Patient

Mrs. Browne

The Chess Master

Grammar-Between/Among

George and the Mower

Due

Grammar-None

The Stupid Chess Player

The Young Man and his Bowler Hat

Lucy and the Birthday Cake

Businessmen

Capitalists

Christmas Carols

Mr. Dyson

The Doctor who could forecast the Sex of Babies

The Cadet of St. Cyr

Grammar-Innit

The Elephant Sandwich

Miscellaneous Definitions (for fun only)

The Student in Rome

Bushels and Pecks

Grammar-Gerund

Siberian Soup

Appointment in Samara

Grammar-Fewer/Less

A Stradivarius?

The Trans-Siberian Railway

The Swiss Nurse

The Ventriloquist

The Dreamer

Fifty French Frigates on the Starboard Bow

The Royal Riddle

Grammar-End of Sentence

Pepe Ie Moko

The Interrogator

The Guillotine

Three Hospital Stories

Russell Square Underground Station

Diamond Lil

The Irish Teetotaller

Grammar-Quick

Life in the Far East

Superintendent Fordwex

The Matchmaker

Grammar-Broken Leg

The Ski Instructor

The Driver Who Did Not Drink

Another Honeymoon

Two Watches

Dead Donkey

Grammar-Hopefully

Hard Hearted Hannah

A Lesson In Psychology

Rolls Royce

The Fastest Gun in the West

Grammar-Homophones

Mo & Nat

A Legend in his own Lifetime

Grammar-Anticipate/Expect

Chop Suey

The Incorruptible Judge

Grammar-Expressions

The Most Beautiful Girls in the World

Casinos and Gamblers.

The Footballer

Grammar-Infer/Imply

Murder by Meals

Catch 23

The Bouncer

Grammar-Latin Plurals

Revenge

George

The Horse Thief

Lovers' Bridge

The Valentine

The Turkey Sandwich

Grammar-Fevvers

The Father of Triplets

The Nightworker

Samantha's Ulcer

After The Wake Was Over

The Urban Yuppie Scam

The Psychologist

Shop Signs

The Interview

The Dropout

The Immigrant Waiter

The Seance

How I Joined The Army

Crime Does Not Pay

Oranges and Lemons

The Actor Who Was Dying

Harry and the Auctioneer

Communication Problem

At The Pharmacy

Grammar-Misued words

Grammar-Unusual Words

Billy Baker the Bermondsey Bookie

Madam LuLu and the Superintendent

I Am A Sculptor

Toleration

Epilogue

Appendix

DEDICATION

A famous author once dedicated a book

to his four grandchildren "without whose

constant help and suggestions this book

would have been finished in half the time".

I happily dedicate this book to my wife

without whose constant help and

encouragement this book would

NEVER have been finished.

Not forgetting Geoffrey de Metz whose

IT skills have been literally critical in

the production of this volume. Without

him this would have been merely another

flower born to blush unseen and

waste its sweetness on the desert air.

INTRODUCTION

Let me be clear. These stories have the prime objective of providing reading matter for practice by adult students of the English language. Accordingly they are free from obscure idioms, archaic words and complicated sentence construction or any attempt at literary elegance. There is no multi-syllable pretension psychobabble or gobbledegook phraseology. Although I emphasize adult students the stories are also free from anything that would make a maiden aunt blush (unless she were particularly straitlaced) and there are no swear words (not even asterisks). Some of the stories may be considered suggestive but none is crude. Some readers may have heard of the justifiably popular and well loved comedian, Max Miller the Cheeky Chappy. He told his audiences that all of his jokes were written in two books. The clean jokes were in the white book and the blue jokes were in his blue book. He then asked the audience which book they wanted him to use. Invariably they chose the blue book and the blue jokes. In fact his blue jokes were merely nudge-nudge wink-wink elbow jogging innuendo. We loved him for it. These stories follow, I hope, the same pattern and I hope to offend no-one.

I hope as well that the stories will appeal to adult native speakers of the language whose literacy skills are defective or have been neglected. They must need something more interesting to read than Janet and John brilliant though it was for children. I have in mind dyslexics, slow learners and those who now regret having left school too early -- such as those sixteen-year olds with a reading ability of nine -- and who now want to improve their literacy.

Now I must admit that the anecdotes are rarely original. They are the ill-remembered sweepings of my memory of the many years spent listening to raconteurs in pubs, offices, barrack-rooms, stag nights and the like. I do not remember who told me, when I was told, where I was told or how well the story was told. It will be noticed that many of the stories do not have the comic's crucial punch-line. This is mainly because of the perceived necessity to keep the style simple for the understanding of the targeted audience. The stories suffer, of course, and I am mindful of the catchphrase of the Irish comedian, Frank Carson, -- It's the way you tell 'em.

As to originality let me give an example. I was told the story of a British juggler performing in Brazil. He went through his repertoire faultlessly but trick after trick was received in utter silence. The tricks got gradually more difficult and more and more spectacular yet there was no reaction whatever from the Brazilians. The juggler became so frustrated at this unexpectedly unique reception that eventually he persuaded himself to ask his audience Does anybody here speak English? After a long pause one person tentatively raised his hand. The rest of the story is unprintable (in this volume) but my point here is that within a year or so I was told exactly the same story except that this time it concerned a British trick cyclist in Cairo -- and a year or so later I heard it again about a British tightrope walker in Prague. I think it was Christopher Hutchins who has written the only man who ever told an original story was Adam.

Another defence to a potential charge of plagiarism is this true story about the captain of a cargo steamer on the Liverpool-Buenos Aires run. Before the Second World War there was a substantial number of British ex-patriates living in Argentina. They were there because the Brits had built, and were largely operating, the Argentine Railways and this generated a substantial trade between the two nations. The trade was carried on by sea with mainly British boats but, as was fairly common in those days, such cargo boats had a profitable side-line in providing very limited passenger accommodation for the voyage which took about three weeks. The passengers, numbering up to about a dozen, were nearly always British nationals going out to a post or coming home on leave. The evening meal was taken in the saloon with the captain at the head of the table and, with a dozen well lubricated men (always men), it naturally led to the telling of 'anecdotes' to amuse the company. On one journey it was noticed after a few days that the captain never laughed. Speculation among the passengers was rife. A sad life? Some personal disaster? No sense of humour? A misanthrope? A prude? At last one passenger, bolder than the rest, tackled him. Sir, he asked why do you never laugh at any of our jokes?

The answer from the captain was quite short. Because I've heard them all before. All of them? Let me explain said the captain. I've been doing this run for nearly twenty years and every three weeks I have entertained a new dozen passengers who have told me after-dinner stories. By now there is never a story I am not able to finish. His passengers were sceptical. I'll make a bet with you. offered the captain. For every story that anyone of you starts and that I cannot show you that I have heard before I shall pay you a shilling.

For the rest of the voyage the passengers could be seen huddled in groups cudgelling their brains trying to recall jokes they had heard and could try out on the captain. By the time that the boat docked in BA (did I mention that it was an outward voyage?) the captain had disbursed only three shillings and had finished over a hundred stories started by his passengers. If some stories are familiar to you I apologize and remind you of Adam and of my prime objective of providing amusing and readable Literature for adults.

Alan Bennett is said to have refused to read comments about his work. He may well say that. He is a superb writer. I am conscious that my work is not in the same league so I shall be interested in any criticism because I hope to improve. I suspect that I am going to feel like Saint Sebastian when people were pumping arrows into him; but at least he survived. As an indifferent writer I can at least claim to be consistently at my best. With any luck I might perhaps find readers like the dyslexic satanists who worship the drivel.

For teachers of English as a foreign language who, I hope, will make use of this collection a recommended practice is to allocate one story to each student. Then, say once a week, a student is asked to tell his/her story to the class using words of the student's own choice. It is important to emphasize that the story is NOT to be learnt by heart. Students should be encouraged to introduce variations, suitable synonyms and free expression.

I have not bothered readers with footnotes; I had in mind Noel Coward's comment that having to read a footnote was like having to go downstairs to answer the doorbell when in the middle of making love.

Sister Anna's War

Shortly after the end of the Second World War the editor of a popular Italian magazine had the idea of telling his readers about the difficulties which had been experienced by people who lived in the more remote parts of the country.

As a result one of his reporters found himself a few weeks later interviewing the Mother Superior of a nunnery high up in the Alps. He thanked her for having granted him the interview and congratulated her on having survived the conflict from 1939 to 1945.

I imagine that it was particularly hard for you and all the nuns up here in the mountains? he asked. Oh! Yes indeed. was the reply which was made with a face deeply marked with unpleasant memories. You see, almost immediately after the start of the war the nunnery was occupied by Italian soldiers. They took over all the best rooms with views over the Northern slopes and it pains me very much to have to say that they behaved badly.

What do you mean by 'badly'?

"Well, they -- er -- well, ravished all the nuns; all of them -- except Sister Anna.

Oh! The reporter was embarrassed and tried to change the subject. What happened then? Well, after a while the Italians were replaced by German soldiers. They also behaved very badly. They too -- er -- ravished all the nuns; but not Sister Anna. Then towards the end of the war our nunnery was taken over by British soldiers whose behaviour was no better. They too ravished all the nuns; except Sister Anna of course. Then just before the war was over we had to accommodate American soldiers. Just like all the others they ravished (the Mother Superior was getting quite a taste for the word) all the Sisters; but, of course, not Sister Anna.

The Mother Superior paused for a moment to wipe her eyes as she recalled the experiences of the last six years. The visiting reporter took the opportunity to ask the question that had puzzled him since the interview began. Tell me, Mother, why did none of the soldiers ever ravish Sister Anna?

Well, she replied Sister Anna doesn't like that sort of thing!

The Ex-Convict

Apparently they don't call them convicts any more although they have been 'convicted' -- so what is wrong with 'convicts'?

But today they are 'inmates'.

Warren was an inmate who had finished paying his debt to society and was now being let out of prison where he had spent the last fourteen years.

His discharge was quite unremarkable. A matter of routine for the guards who did it every day. For Warren it was frightening. He was going into the unknown. Well, if not quite unknown, at least very much changed. Many of his more recent fellow inmates had told him how different the world now was.

So it was with mixed feelings that he collected the belongings with which he had entered the jail all those years ago. He could at least recognize them and they seemed like old friends. He went into a changing room and dressed. Fourteen years of prison food had made sure that he did not put on weight and he congratulated himself on how well the suit still fitted him.

Automatically he ran his hands through the pockets and in one of them he found an old ticket which had been overlooked. It turned out to be a receipt for a pair of shoes which he had left with a cobbler to be repaired. He wondered if the cobbler still had them.

So a day or two later he went to the shop -- it was still there and still in business! He gave the ticket to the old man behind the counter who looked at it and silently went off into the back room. A few moments later he came out and handed the ticket to Warren saying They'll be ready Thursday.

Freedom was a disappointment to Warren. As he said to his parole officer It's like seeing a beautiful shiny apple in a bowl. You bite into it only to find a worm. There's nothing worse than that. Oh yes there is. said the officer Biting a beautiful shiny apple and finding half a worm!"

Warren was not consoled.

The Hi-Tech Hearing Aid

I caught sight of Terence as he came out of a shop on the other side of the road. He was alone which was unusual because he was so deaf (he would usually say only that he was somewhat hard of hearing! but really he was quite deaf) that he was reluctant to go into town alone and would normally be accompanied by his wife. I liked Terence and crossed the road intending to offer my help should he need it. Well, don't be so surprised. I am not really a bad person, you know. Anyway, it pleases me to think that Terence liked me a little bit: we got along together quite well.

Hallo Terence! I said. I have used the exclamation mark because I spoke loudly What are you doing in town today?!! I asked. I not only spoke quite loudly but also I mouthed the words slowly and in the exaggerated fashion that people use when they are speaking to people they know to be deaf. I have not seen you about for some time and, anyway, why is Muriel not with you?

Terence looked at me for several moments, smiled and said Charles, my friend, you don't have to talk to me that way any more. I am no longer deaf. I can hear perfectly normally, just like other people. So no more shouting, no more funny talk and no more Muriel accompanying me everywhere. I owe this magnificent improvement to a brand new invention in the way of hearing aids. It is a Hi-Tech digital super scientific electronic chip which now enables me to forget all the agonies and embarrassments which I suffered only a few weeks ago. It has changed my life completely and I am seriously thinking of writing to Oslo (or is it Copenhagen?) to recommend the inventor for the award of a Nobel Prize so you can imagine how highly I regard it and how successful it has been.

Terence had never spoken like this about anything so I realized how much he had been impressed. It left me with nothing to say but just in order to keep the conversation going I said That's wonderful Terence. Tell me, how much did it cost?

Terence looked at his wrist-watch and said Nearly half past two. Just as I had feared; my friend Terence was the latest victim of a cruel but old scam. Yes, it has all been done before. There are no new scams but there seems to be an inexhaustible supply of gullible victims for the old ones.

Stagestruck

I was born in a trunk sang the incomparable Judy Garland. She went on to explain that her parents were variety artistes with whom she travelled trained performed and after twenty years in show business became what was described, with irony, as an overnight success.

Well, she -- the character she portrayed -- could have done it only if she were stagestruck; only if she had that unstoppable determination to sing, dance and act in front of an audience, only if she were spellbound by 'the roar of the greasepaint, the smell of the crowd' and then only if she had talent. Unfortunately not everybody who is stagestruck is talented.

Even if they are talented the opportunities do not necessarily present themselves and so these frustrated stars pressure their children. Sometimes it works but often the children lead miserable lives. Occasionally they escape. Gary once went to buy a second-hand car. You will think I am changing the subject but please be patient. The salesman was a caricature of the smooth-talking posh-accented wheeler-dealer who on first sight inspired any potential customer with an immediate resolve to keep a tight hand on his wallet. As it turned out the cars available were attractive and, as Gary thought, were reasonably priced. Like all men drivers he took great care over his purchase and enquired in detail about service history, petrol consumption, spares availability and gave several models a road test. After much careful deliberation he chose the car which his wife preferred because it matched the colour of her eyes.

Details of the sale were still being arranged including the credit check. While waiting the supersalesman maintained an oily conversation to entertain his customer. Gary had to make a great effort to keep his breakfast down.

I haven't always been a salesman Gary was told. I spent several years in medical school but decided that I could not enjoy being a doctor even if I had qualified. I started the course only because my father is a highly expensive Harley Street surgeon and he was most anxious that I should follow in his footsteps. Now that I have become a second-hand car salesman he thinks that I have gone off the rails.

I can understand that. said Gary. My father spent all his life in show business. He taught me acting and tap dancing and I had several small parts 'on the boards'. I learned to use greasepaint -- Leichner 5 & 9 -- and cold cream to wipe it off. I did all sorts of jobs in the theatre. I was a call boy. I was a front of house page boy. I could shift scenery consisting of 'eighteen foot flats' and I could 'throw the cleats' necessary to hold them together. In spite of such a start in the profession I eventually became a civil servant. My father decided that I, too, had gone off the rails. Quite simply, I was never stagestruck.

Grammar-Could of Killed Him

You have read so far because you are interested in improving your use of English. So far the stories have been simple straightforward and, I hope, amusing. I should like to introduce the occasional tip to help you in the construction of sentences. Nothing very heavy! Just simple and clear advice pointing out the road towards better English.

A common mistake is to say, for example, I could of killed him. 'Of' ought to be 'have'. Unfortunately, in speech, it is difficult to distinguish between these words. Try to make a point of sounding the 'h' -- unlike the French who never sound it. Or, to use a grammatical term, aspirate it.

The President of the USA

At one time Presidents of the USA never set foot outside their country but the world has moved on since then and it is now commonplace for the President to go flying in AirForceOne to any remote part of the world. One particular President found himself one day in Italy and of course it would have been greatly misunderstood by all his Catholic voters if he did not pay his respects to the Pope. A courtesy visit to the Vatican was discreetly arranged and the President found himself actually enjoying a lively conversation with an exceptionally well-informed and intelligent priest who could easily have been a successful politician. At one point the President remarked that on the Pope's desk there were two telephones; one red, one gold. If I may ask Your Eminence, what are the two phones for?

Well, the red one is for ordinary business calls of a routine nature, was the reply and the gold one --- at this, he paused: the Pope pointed up to the ceiling and said no more.

The President was intrigued. You mean you are in touch with --- and he in turn paused in his speech and pointed to the sky.

The Pope nodded and said But of course it is used only in the most exceptional circumstances and it is very very expensive. I can understand that said the President. I am the leader of the world's most powerful and important nation and I should like to know, from above, whether we are acting on the right lines. Could you ask for me please?

The Pope said Yes and mentioned a sum of dollars that made even the President go pale. Never mind. We'll pay said the President and subsequently the Pope relayed to him much good advice.

The President continued his journey and some days later found himself in Jerusalem. Naturally, another courtesy meeting had to be arranged with the Chief Rabbi. In the course of that meeting the President saw another Gold Telephone. Is that for communication with ---. The usual pause; the usual finger pointing to the sky. Of course, said the Chief Rabbi. And I suppose it is terribly expensive to use said the President.

No, not at all. said the Chief Rabbi. From Jerusalem it is only a local call.

The Farmer who Married the most Beautiful Girl in