The Speedicut Papers Book 8 (1895-1900): At War with Churchill

By Christopher Joll

Book 8 of The Speedicut Papers is primarily concerned
with Speedicuts involvement with the young Winston Churchill
on the North-West Frontier of India, in the Sudan at the Battle of
Omdurman and in the Second Boer War, during which Speedicut is captured
along with Churchill. When not acting as nursemaid to Britains future
greatest Prime Minister, Speedicut plays a central role, invariably
with disastrous consequences, in the notorious Jameson Raid,
Queen Victorias Diamond Jubilee and the assassination
of the Empress of Austria.


Speedicuts opinions on the great figures of our time
give a whole new meaning to the word iconoclast
Dr Samuel Johnson

If all the men and women Speedicut slept with were laid end to end,
I wouldnt be at all surprised.
Dorothy Parker

In defeat, defiance; in victory, magnanimity; in peace, goodwill
except where that shit, Speedicut, is concerned.
Winston S Churchill

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Jun 7, 2017
• ISBN: 9781524682057

Christopher Joll

After serving time at Oxford University and the RMA Sandhurst, Christopher Joll spent his formative years as an officer in The Life Guards. On leaving the Army, Joll worked first in investment banking, then as an arms salesman before moving into public relations. From his earliest days Joll has written articles, features, short stories and reportage. In addition to the Speedicut books, in 2014, Joll wrote the text for Uniquely British: A Year in the Life of the Household Cavalry, in late 2018 he published The Drum Horse in the Fountain & Other Tales of the Heroes & Rogue in the Guards and in early 2020 he will publish Spoils of War: The Treasures, Trophies & Trivia of the British Empire. Since leaving the Army in 1975, Joll has also been involved in devising and managing major charity fund-raising events including the Household Cavalry Pageant, the Royal Hospital Chelsea Pageant, the acclaimed British Military Tournament, a military tattoo in Hyde Park for the Diamond Jubilee, the Gurkha 200 Pageant, the Waterloo 200 Commemoration at St Paul’s Cathedral, the Shakespeare 400 Gala Concert and The Great War Symphony at the Royal Albert Hall for which he wrote, researched and directed the 60-minute film that accompanied the symphony. In 2019, this led to a commission to write, present and direct five short films for the Museum Prize Trust. When not writing, directing or lifting the lid on the cess pits of British history, Joll publishes a weekly Speedicut podcast and gives lectures at literary festivals, museums, clubs and on cruise ships on topics related to his books and the British Empire. www.christopherjoll.com

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© 2017 Christopher Joll. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 06/07/2017

ISBN: 978-1-5246-8174-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5246-8175-3 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5246-8205-7 (e)

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

For

GGS

He knows why…

&

CHG

Whose knowledge of Regulations for the Instruction & Movements of Cavalry 1876 was invaluable

CONTENTS

Notes On The Editor

Introduction

Principal Characters In Order Of Appearance

Synopsis Of Book 7 (Royal Scandals)

Chapter One: Steady From Stroke To Bow

Chapter Two: The Labours Of Hercules

Chapter Three: Wires

Chapter Four: God Bless The Kaiser

Chapter Five: The Fourth Estate

Chapter Six: From Our Own Correspondent

Chapter Seven: Charlotte-Georgina’s Romanov Ramblings

Chapter Eight: How To Swat A Mullah

Chapter Nine: Oh, Jubilee!

Chapter Ten: The Pride Of The Churchills

Chapter Eleven: In The Course Of Duty

Chapter Twelve: Steady The Buffs

Chapter Thirteen: Disputed Dispatches

Chapter Fourteen: Dishing The Dervishes

Chapter Fifteen: Fahran’s Fireworks

Chapter Sixteen: The Sirdar’s Revenge

Chapter Seventeen: Death Or Glory

Chapter Eighteen: Imperial Obsequies

Chapter Nineteen: Twinkle, Twinkle

Chapter Twenty: Once More Unto The Bush

Chapter Twenty-One: Herding Hacks

Chapter Twenty-Two: The Next Train To Chieveley

Chapter Twenty-Three: Man On The Run

Appendix A: Dictionary Of British Biographies

NOTES ON THE EDITOR

After serving time at Oxford University and the Royal Military Academy Sandhurst, Christopher Joll spent his formative years as an officer in The Life Guards, an experience from which he has never really recovered.

On leaving the Army, Joll worked first in investment banking, but the boredom of City life led him to switch careers and become an arms salesman. After ten years of dealing with tin pot dictators in faraway countries, he moved - perhaps appropriately - into public relations where, in this new incarnation, he had to deal with dictators of an altogether different type.

From his earliest days, Joll has written articles, features, short stories and reportage. One such piece of writing led to an early brush with notoriety when an article he had penned anonymously in 1974 for a political journal ended up as front page national news and resulted in a Ministerial inquiry. In 2012 Joll wrote the text for Uniquely British: A Year in the Life of the Household Cavalry, an illustrated account of the Household Cavalry from the Royal Wedding to the Diamond Jubilee. His yet to be published memoires, Anecdotal Evidence, promises to cause considerable consternation in certain quarters should it ever appear in print.

Since leaving the Army in 1975, Joll has been involved in devising and managing charity fund-raising events. This interest started in 1977 with The Silver Jubilee Royal Gifts Exhibition at St James’s Palace and The Royal Cartoons Exhibition at the Press Club. In subsequent years, he co-produced ‘José Carreras & Friends’, a one-night Royal Gala Concert at the Theatre Royal Drury Lane; ‘Serenade for a Princess’, a Royal Gala Concert at the Banqueting House, Whitehall; and ‘Concert for a Prince’, a Royal Gala Concert staged at Windsor Castle (the first such event to be held there following the post-fire restoration).

More recently, Joll has focused on devising, writing, directing and sometimes producing events primarily for military charities. These include in various different roles the Household Cavalry Pageant (2007); the Chelsea Pageant (2008); the Diamond Jubilee Parade in the Park (2012); the British Military Tournament (2010-2013); the Gurkha Bicentenary Pageant (2015); the Waterloo Bicentenary National Service of Commemoration & Parade at St Paul’s Cathedral (2015); the Shakespeare 400 Memorial Concert (2016); The Patron’s Lunch (2016), the official London event to mark The Queen’s 90th Birthday and The Great War Symphony to be premiered in 2018 at the Royal Albert Hall.

INTRODUCTION

With the first publication of The Speedicut Papers in 2013, the reading public was shocked to learn that Brigadier General Sir Harry Flashman VC, one of the greatest heroes of the Victorian age, was nothing more than a Paris-based remittance man and a plagiarising fraud. Almost as shocking was the revelation that, for more than 250 years, there has been a secret organisation at the heart of the British Establishment, called The Brotherhood of the Sons of Thunder, which was ruthlessly interfering in the nation’s affairs.

These facts were revealed in a cache of letters written over a lifetime by Colonel Sir Jasper Speedicut, Bart to his friend Harry Flashman, which I discovered in 2010 in the basement of the New Walk Museum in Leicester. Taken together, the letters are a comprehensive record of the life and times of Speedicut: soldier, courtier, bi-sexual and reluctant hero.

In this, the eighth volume of The Speedicut Papers, the public will once again learn of further previously hidden truths that cast a new light on real historical incidents, set against the major events of the 19th and early 20th centuries.

Although the first seven volumes of The Speedicut Papers were originally published in letter format, in response to popular demand I have re-edited the books into a narrative text. As with the previously published work, in the interests of clarity I have also annotated the text with dates and historical or explanatory background material.

CHRISTOPHER JOLL

www.jasperspeedicut.com

PRINCIPAL CHARACTERS in ORDER of APPEARANCE

Any similarity to persons now dead is entirely intentional

Jasper Speedicut – an officer and a gentleman, usually known as ‘Speed’

Harry Flashman – a remittance man mostly based in Paris, who is a friend of Speedicut and his controller in ‘The Brotherhood of the Sons of Thunder’, usually known as ‘Flashy’

Lady Charlotte-Georgina Speedicut – Speedicut’s second wife, sister of the 8th Duke of Whitehall

Frederick Searcy – Speedicut’s private secretary, originally a riding instructor in the 2nd Life Guards

Ivan –Speedicut’s Russian valet

Muhamad Khazi – Speedicut’s head coachman, originally a Kizilbashi irregular cavalryman

Atash Khazi – eldest son of Muhamad Khazi and the Speedicuts’ assistant coachman

Fahran Khazi – second son of Muhamad Khazi and the Speedicuts’ second footman

Dr Leander Starr Jameson – surgeon, adventurer and colonial politician

Cecil Rhodes – Empire builder, mining magnate, colonial politician and statesman

Alfred Beit – mining magnate & financier

Paul Kruger – President of the Transvaal, usually known as Oom Paul

Colonel Frank Rhodes – a career soldier and the brother of Cecil Rhodes

Charles-Ethelred FitzCharles, 8th Duke of Whitehall – brother of Lady Charlotte-Georgina Speedicut and Great Boanerges of the Brotherhood of the Sons of Thunder

HRH The Prince of Wales – eldest son of Queen Victoria and Heir Apparent to the British Throne, known as Bertie

Jenny, Lady Randolph Churchill – the widow of Lord Randolph Churchill, mother of Winston Churchill and a leading member of London Society

Winston Churchill – a young officer in the 4th (Queen’s Own) Hussars

HM Queen Victoria – Queen of Great Britain & Ireland, Empress of India

Major General Sir Bindon Blood – General Officer Commanding the Malakand Field Force

Sibella, Mrs Lionel Holland – wife of a stockbroker

Major General Sir Herbert Kitchener – Commander-in-Chief of the Egyptian Army

HIM Empress Elizabeth of Austria – usually known as Sisi

General Sir Redvers Buller – General Officer Commanding the Natal Field Force

Solomon Joel – a Randlord

SYNOPSIS OF BOOK 7 (ROYAL SCANDALS)

Although, as its title suggests, Book 7 of The Speedicut Papers is largely concerned with Speedicut’s involvement in a succession of domestic and foreign royal scandals, it opens with Speedicut’s account of his involvement in the siege of Khartoum. Speedicut had been dispatched in March 1884 to the capital of Sudan by the Great Boanerges, his brother-in-Law the Duke of Whitehall, with the task of ensuring that General Gordon remained in the city whether he wished to or not. The primary but covert purpose in this course of action by the Brotherhood of the Sons of Thunder was not to rescue Gordon, but to force Prime Minister Gladstone to commit British troops to Egypt and Sudan and thereby ensure the security of the Suez Canal.

Whilst in Khartoum, Speedicut’s valet, Edward, is killed by Dervishes in the course of assisting in the re-supply of the city. Sometime later and without, surprisingly, any encouragement from Speedicut, Gordon decides to send his Second-in-Command, Lieutenant Colonel John Stewart, and a small party of Europeans including Speedicut, to Cairo via the Nile and the old caravan route. Their purpose is to get the British government to commit to sending an Expeditionary Force to relieve Khartoum. Unbeknownst to Gordon, this force has in fact already been dispatched to Egypt under the command of General Wolseley.

After a series of misadventures during their escape down the Nile, including Speedicut being dragged through the turbulent waters of the Fifth Cataract, the boat on which Stewart & Co are escaping runs aground at Umm Dwermat where all but Speedicut, who is mistaken for a Muslim, and the interpreter, Hassan Bey, are massacred. Hassan Bey is held in Berber but Speedicut is sent to The Mahdi’s camp outside Khartoum, where he is imprisoned alongside Slatin Pasha and, to his surprise for he thought the boy was dead, Harry Faversham. After being held in chains for some considerable time, Speedicut and Faversham are sent by The Mahdi to Major Kitchener’s intelligence-gathering outpost at Debbeh with the impossible task of persuading the Ottoman government to let The Mahdi pray in the mosques of Cairo, Jerusalem and Constantinople.

Kitchener instructs Speedicut and Faversham to take The Mahdi’s request to General Wolseley who, with the Nile Expeditionary Force, is camped at Wadi Halfa where the newly-formed Camel Corps is in training and amongst whose ranks is Speedicut’s coachman, Khazi, who has been tasked by Lady Charlotte-Georgina Speedicut and Searcy with finding and, if necessary, rescuing his master. However, instead of being sent back to England, Speedicut – an experienced cameleer - is ordered by Wolseley to assist with the training of the Camel Corps and then to hold himself in reserve for a last-minute dash to Gordon in Khartoum. When it becomes clear that Gordon is in danger of being overwhelmed if a British force does not reach him quickly, Speedicut becomes embroiled in the Camel Corps’ race across the Bayuda Desert and the bloody battle of Abu Klea, during which Faversham is killed whilst trying to rescue Colonel Burnaby. Speedicut’s account of this battle provides the clearest yet description of ‘the square that broke’ and why it did so.

Determined not to be involved in another such battle, and accompanied by Khazi, Speedicut leaves the Desert Column and heads for Khartoum disguised as a Berber tribesman. Unfortunately, before they can reach the city, Speedicut and Khazi are intercepted by a party of Dervishes and taken once again to The Mahdi’s camp. Their arrival there coincides with the news of Wolseley’s advance and, fearful of the implications, The Mahdi dispatches Khazi and Speedicut (in the mistaken belief that they are actually Berbers) to Gordon with a laissez passer and the request that he abandons his post. Without waiting for a reply, The Mahdi launches his final assault on Khartoum and Speedicut is unwillingly involved in the death of Gordon and, with Khazi, is swept back to The Mahdi’s camp by a mob of Dervishes bearing Gordon’s severed head.

Unsure as to how he is to escape for a third time from the clutches of The Mahdi, Speedicut is approached by a Dervish leader who, to Speedicut’s intense surprise, turns out to be the gentleman thief, Arthur Raffles, who is working undercover for Kitchener. In gratitude for not turning him over to the police at Speedicut’s daughter’s Coming Out Ball, Raffles includes Speedicut and Khazi in a Dervish skirmish against the advancing British. This results in them returning, after some hair-raising adventures including an attack by a crocodile, to Cairo and London.

Safely back in Stratton Street, Speedicut discovers that his wife has become a fervent Russian Orthodox convert and is an active member of the Marlborough House set whose leader, The Prince of Wales, informs Speedicut that he is to be appointed as an Extra Equerry to the languid Heir Presumptive, Prince Albert Victor of Wales who, after leaving Cambridge, is to join the Tenth Hussars.

This thankless job is enlivened by a close encounter with Lady Randolph Churchill and interrupted by the wedding in St Petersburg of Speedicut’s daughter, Dorothea, to Prince Dimitri Lieven. On the eve of this event, Speedicut is introduced to vodka by Prince Felix Yusupov with disastrous (and hilarious) consequences the following day. After the wedding, and with his wife safely embarked on an Orthodox religious retreat, instead of returning to London and his duties with Prince Albert Victor, Speedicut takes a short holiday in Munich with his old flame, the Dowager Countess Mitzi von Schwanstein. Before he leaves St Petersburg, and at the request of Searcy, Speedicut engages the services of Ivan, a Yusupov footman, as a replacement valet for the late Edward.

On his arrival in Munich, Speedicut is persuaded by Mitzi to help prevent the deposing of King Ludwig II and, thereby, becomes involved in the King’s final days. Speedicut’s first-hand account of the King’s demise provides credible answers to many hitherto unresolved inconsistencies in the official record.

Returned once more to duty with Prince Albert Victor, Speedicut is dismayed to be told by the Great Boanerges that the Prince may have been consorting with prostitutes in the East End and that, if he has, Speedicut must stop it. Confirmation of the Prince’s transgressions are obtained by Speedicut from a Metropolitan Police contact and he is then asked by his brother-in-law to procure the names of the girls involved, which he does through the same contact. Matters become complicated when the girls are brutally murdered by a man calling himself ‘Jack the Ripper’, who – because of Speedicut’s earlier request for their names - the Inspector in charge of the case believes to be him.

Unexpectedly, at the start of 1889, Speedicut receives a request to attend upon the Empress of Austria. Granted a short leave of absence by The Prince of Wales, Speedicut makes the journey to Vienna where he finds that the Empress has heard of his attempt to save her cousin, King Ludwig of Bavaria, and begs him to separate her son, Crown Prince Rudolf, from his pregnant juvenile mistress, Countess Vetsera, by forcibly (but legally) abducting the girl to a sanatorium in Switzerland. Speedicut is, however, too late to stop the pair’s double-suicide, although he is deeply embroiled in the subsequent cover up.

Back in England at the end of February 1889, Speedicut is told by the Great Boanerges – who has developed a very low opinion of the Heir Presumptive and his suitability to ascend the British throne - that Prince Albert Victor is now consorting with male prostitutes operating out of a house in Cleveland Street and that, once again, he must be stopped. In the event, the putative scandal is nipped in the bud by the Brotherhood, through the intervention of various senior politicians who are also members of the Order. A couple of months later, Speedicut departs for India with Prince Albert Victor, where he is hard put to keep his charge from temptation but manages to save him from the carnal embraces of assorted dancing boys and randy memsahibs by the simple expedient of taking the Prince’s place.

At the end of the Indian Tour, Prince Albert Victor is created Duke of Clarence & Avondale and Speedicut is informed that his charge is being dispatched to Hesse to spend time with a potential bride (Princess Alexandra of Hesse and by Rhine) whilst he, Speedicut, is to be ‘in waiting’ to The Prince of Wales at a house party at Tranby Croft assembled for Doncaster Races. During this brief stay in Yorkshire, Speedicut is a key player in what comes to be known as the Royal Baccarat Scandal.

Meanwhile, having been rejected by the Hessian Princess, The Duke of Clarence & Avondale embarks on a succession of unsuitable liaisons whilst his parents line up Princess May of Teck as a suitable consort for the errant Prince. In consequence, Speedicut is commanded by The Prince of Wales to accompany Princess May and her brother, Prince Adolphus, to Balmoral Castle where the Princess is to be assessed for her suitability as a royal bride by Queen Victoria. The visit is a success and, despite a disappointing interlude at Sandringham, is followed in November 1891 by a house party at Luton Hoo, during which the couple are thrown together by, first, an incident with an elk and, second, by Princess May’s pushy mother, the Duchess of Teck. By the end of the house party, to the considerable concern of the Great Boanerges, The Duke of Clarence & Avondale and Princess May of Teck are engaged. This happy event ends, however, in tragedy when Clarence dies at Sandringham the following January from an apparent attack of pneumonia.

Book 7 ends with an account of Speedicut’s and Lord Queensberry’s stratagem - at the behest of the Great Boanerges - to silence Oscar Wilde and his friends, who have been gossiping that The Duke of Clarence & Avondale did not die of natural causes. Their plan misfires when Wilde sues Lord Queensberry for criminal libel, loses his case and is then charged with multiple acts of gross indecency with men, convicted and imprisoned. This was never Speedicut’s intention.

At the suggestion of Dr Leander Starr Jameson, who Speedicut meets at Pratt’s shortly after Wilde’s imprisonment, Speedicut decides to take his entire household for an extended and peaceful break in Cape Town…

CHAPTER ONE: STEADY FROM STROKE TO BOW

It was damned inconsiderate of Wills to sentence Wilde to pick oakum ‘at Her Majesty’s pleasure’ right at the start of the 1895 Season. Thanks to the wretched trial, London’s clubs, dinner tables and parks were devoid of well-bred pansies, post boys were in short supply and, in consequence, the capital had become decidedly dull.¹ To avoid boredom, and any further involvement with the woes of the Wales’, I decided that Jameson was right and that an extended break in Cape Town was in order.² So I asked my secretary, Searcy, to telegraph the agent and enquire if the Vergelegen estate was available; he heard by return that it was and booked it.

It’d been a few years since we’d last rented the place - back in ’80 I seem to remember – which unfortunately coincided with that absurd dust up with the Boers.³ That, however, wasn’t enough to put me off, particularly as it appeared from a conversation that I’d overheard in the club that, unlike the Southern States of America, our Cape Colony had remained largely unchanged since my last visit; the natives, whilst not exactly slaves, were still ready to do one’s every bidding for very small coin. I found that very reassuring, given that everything else in the world seemed to be in a state a flux as we headed towards a new century.

Despite the abundance of servants to be had there, and thanks to my ample De Beers dividends, it had been my intention to take our whole household to the Cape. In the event that was an impractical idea, as my wife, Charlotte-Georgina, stated with considerable firmness after luncheon at Stratton Street; I’d just told her that I’d signed the lease on the estate and that, as she knew full well, there was room there for all our London employees, some of whom – I had Searcy and Khazi, my coachman, in mind when I said this - were in need of leave.

"Absolutely, NOT, Jasper. Stratton Street is a large house and will require at least a skeleton staff if we are not to find it occupied by Suffragettes or Nihilists on our return. Besides which, Mr Searcy needs to attend to his business and, ⁴ as you will be on an extended holiday, you will not require his services. I have also agreed with him that your valet, Ivan, may remain in London…"

You’ve done what?

… to further improve his English…

But he’s absolutely fluent and has been for years.

That’s not what Mr Searcy says, Jasper.

Well, he would, wouldn’t he?

"What do you mean by that, Jasper?"

Nothin’, m’dear, nothin’, I prevaricated. If C-G didn’t by now understand the state-of-play between my private secretary and my Russian valet I was not about to enlighten her.

But, I continued, if I’m to lose my manservant for the duration then I insist that we take Khazi and both of his eldest boys. We’ll each need a coachman and Crichton can train up Fahran to look after me. Of course, I said provocatively, your maid will have to stay here to keep an eye on the rest of her brood.

"Out of the question, Jasper! Prissy’s the only person who understands my hair and she is quite indispensable to me."

So who’s goin’ to look after the Khazis’ brats?

Mrs Ovenden says that, as she will only be cooking for a small staff, she’s perfectly willing to do so.

You seem to have it all worked out, m’dear. I can’t think why I even raised the subject.

Nor can I, Jasper – besides which, it’s what wives are for, she reposted with some asperity.

That’s not what Mrs Pankhurst thinks,⁵ I said as a further provocation and in revenge for the loss of Ivan.

That bourgeois creature! She’s undermining the whole standing of women in our society. In my view, before she persuades the government to reduce women to the level of mere men, she should be locked up and the keys thrown in the Thames …

And for the next thirty minutes I was subjected to a well-rehearsed tirade by my wife on the subject of women’s suffrage, and other sundry equality measures, to which C-G was emphatically opposed.

The next thing you know, she ended, there will be women Members of Parliament, women High Court Judges and, you mark my words, women in the military too.

"You go too far, m’dear. Gals in politics and the law I can almost believe, but as soldiers or sailors – never. The Queen may be our Head of State, which some would argue rather strengthens the Suffragettes’ position, but she is not head of the Armed Forces – that’s a job even she recognised can only be handled by a man."

"So you hope, Jasper – but if you once let women out of the boudoir, the nursery and the kitchen you’ll find it difficult to draw the line. It’s the thin end of a very large wedge – and I speak as a real woman – so you should tell your friends at the Verulam and elsewhere that they have been warned. Give women the vote and the next thing you knows they’ll be propping up the bar at White’s."

As I didn’t want to prolong this discussion, and anyway I agreed with almost all that C-G had said – aside, that is, from her preposterous prognostication about women in uniform - I made an excuse and headed for my study where I rang for Searcy. Seconds later he appeared.

It seems, I opened, that Her Ladyship has already decided as to who’s to go to the Cape and who’s to stay.

I know, Colonel, he replied, as I knew he would, and I’d like to thank you for agreeing to allow Ivan to remain here. As if I’d had any choice in the matter. I would, of course, have preferred to have accompanied you but the business, in which you still have a share, Colonel, really does demand my attention. Besides which, Mo and his boys will look after you. Anyway, I know that you’re not planning any adventures and are on leave from the Brotherhood.

"So I won’t need you to get me out of the shit, eh? Well, let’s hope not. As you seem to know who’s goin’ and who’s staying’, you’d better get the passages booked. Dr Jameson says he’s takin’ the Dunottar Castle:⁶ apparently, it’s the ‘last word in luxury’, holds the record for the trip to Cape Town and sails at the end of the month. If you can reserve enough berths for our whole party then let’s take that tub."

I’ve already made the reservations, Colonel. Will there be anything else?

…

During the voyage out, I got to know Jameson rather better than I’d had the chance to do back in London.⁷ He was an interesting cove, full of charm and a great friend of Cecil Rhodes,⁸ whom he held in high esteem. Quite how far that friendship extended it was hard to judge for, unlike Oscar Wilde, Rhodes has never – as far as I knew – taken his preference for male company to Oscar’s extremes. Indeed, there had been times over the years when I’d wondered whether or not Rhodes had ever dropped his trousers: this despite the fact that he obviously preferred the company of handsome young men to that of anyone else. In that, as an Empire builder, he was not unusual. From the frequent observations I’ve made on the subject over the years, my readers (if I still have any) will know that I firmly believe that Vicky’s mighty Empire had been built by enthusiastic bachelor followers of Plato, Aristotle and Socrates, as exemplified by the then Sirdar of the Gyppo Army to name but one of many.⁹

As for Jameson himself, he too was a confirmed bachelor but a hard one to read. Of rather less than average height, with a receding hair line and an unattractive droopy moustache, he nonetheless exuded a powerful aura tempered by an analytical approached to, and extreme cynicism about, virtually every subject under the sun. He was clearly devoted to Rhodes, who turned him from medicine to colonial administration, and was signed-up in full to the mining-magnate-turned-politician’s dream to extend the British Empire from the Cape to Cairo. However, on the outward leg of the journey he devoted much time to quizzing me on my military career. It was only when we hit the Equator that the conversation shifted to Rhodes’ African ambitions. This was a subject to which Jameson, who ran Rhodes’ territorial interests north of the Limpopo River, devoted most of his conversation as we headed for the last fifty-thousand furlongs to Cape Town.

The problem, my dear Colonel, he opined as we took an after-dinner turn around the deck together, is simply put: it’s gold.

I queried this extraordinary statement whilst the moon peeked out from behind a cloud and threw a long silvery streak onto the limpid tropical waters, broken only by a school of dolphins who’d taken it upon themselves to give us a Tins-style escort across the Equator.

How can the shiny yellow stuff be a problem? It’s not as though we’re short of it, I asked.

Because it’s in the wrong place.

What on earth do you mean?

Simple. The gold fields are in the Transvaal, which is Boer territory run by that bloated old bigot, Kruger.¹⁰

So what?

So Kruger and his Boers are sitting on probably the largest gold reserve in the world.

What does that matter?

Simple. It matters because, whilst the other Great Powers don’t give a damn about a republic that comprises millions of acres of grazing land, they do care about the political control of the world’s principle source of its reserve currency. And they won’t like it if that control becomes British. Anyway, for Rhodes that’s not the real issue.

What is?

The Transvaal lies across the proposed route of the Cape to Cairo railway line, which will link Britain’s interests in Africa or, to be more precise, the Cape and Natal colonies with the assets of the British South Africa Company.

What’s that?

A Chartered Company established and managed by Rhodes to hold and control our interests from the Limpopo to the Great Lakes. Think of it as the African equivalent of John Company. It was not a happy thought when one remembered what that had led to.¹¹

I see. And the Transvaal is the fly in Rhodes’ imperial ointment.

Precisely.

And, because Kruger and his farming chums are now sittin’ on the stuff that lies behind the Great Powers otherwise worthless paper, Rhodes can’t send in the Cape Grenadiers.

That’s a fair summary of the situation, Colonel. We’ll make a politician of you yet!

I think not - and what’s the solution, if there is one?

We’re not yet sure, but there may be a democratic one.

I didn’t think you chaps were very keen on that as a concept.

"Not at all, Colonel, providing it works in our favour. You see the gold fields have drawn in a far larger number of British citizens into the Transvaal than we ever saw in the development of the diamond fields. Today, the white Uitlanders – as the Boers call them – outnumber the Dutchmen two-to-one."

So what?

Simple. Kruger recognises the danger within and is denying the settlers any political rights.

But doubtless taxin’ ’em?

Indeed. And ‘no taxation without representation’ is still a valid and powerful axiom and one that the Great Powers (with the exception of Russia) generally respect. Besides which, Kruger has also started imposing high tariffs on the railway from Johannesburg to the Cape.

"Well, there’s your causus belli, as the Greek beak at Rugby used to say: Britannia’s Cape cousin will have to give Johnny Boer a bloody nose, tell him to behave himself and to give our boys the vote so that they can elect to join the Empire."

"That is the desired outcome – a change of political control through the ballot box – but unfortunately Whitehall would not, on this subject, agree that the ends justify the means; and, as a British colony, we can take no offensive military