Victims and Survivors 2

By Melisa Mel

Melisa Mel's continuing adventures volunteering with vulnerable populations are narrated here. Victims and Survivors 2 is as emotionally enlightening about human nature as Victims and Survivors was when she published it last year. Clearly, there is much work to be done in the city streets. This author is willing and prepared to do it.

Melisa Mel has spent endless hours reaching out to those who felt trampled, violated, and dehumanized. By using her time and energy, she worked toward her goal of supporting and giving a ray of hope to those she encountered. She plans to continue using her free time volunteering to the highest degree possible on her limited free time. Her stories are recorded here so that we can all get a glimpse of what life is like for many of those in our society.

There is much work to be done. Human trafficking and sex trafficking are very real and very present in our society. There is much need for those who are strong and have empathy to go out and advocate for those who are not yet strong enough to do so for themselves. Together, a shift in thinking and a major change can occur.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Apr 17, 2015
• ISBN: 9781503555846

Melisa Mel

Melisa Mel was the Founder, CEO, and President of her company From Victim to Survivor, LLC. Upon its retirement after three extremely successful years, she then went on to become the Founder of Mels Voice on Paper. This is the platform from which she promotes her publications. She works extensively with First Responders, Perpetrators, and Victims of sexual assault as well as victims of other violent crimes. Her preference is to be addressed simply as Mel. Mel taught English, Spanish, Severe Disabilities, and Prison populations for over thirty years. She then transitioned her focus to LGBT issues, policing issues, first responder issues and vulnerable populations. She has published many books and is currently working on her next project. She holds a BA in English, an MA in English as a Second Language, an MA in Special Education/Education, and a PhD ABD in Psychology. As a successful business person and one who has worked extensively with people in unhealthy relationships, Mel knows well that the simple lesson found in the pages of The Fabric Store is a lesson that is vital for growth. Sometimes time, money, and heart are just not enough. There are many factors that can come into play that can affect ones success. Good recordkeeping and constant reassessment of how one is doing are both critical for one to be able to make wise decisions. Mel has had to make some extremely tough and painful decisions in her own business life and in her personal life. Bold decision-making and strong follow-through have made Mel the success that she is today. Over the years, Mel has been nominated for various national awards for her work with victims, her philanthropy, her teaching, and her writing. She was recently awarded the 2017 Arizona Beth McDonald Woman of the Year Award and the Triumph Over Tragedy Award from Arizona Governor Doug Ducey.

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Copyright © 2015 by Melisa Mel.

Library of Congress Control Number:      2015904630

ISBN:        Hardcover       978-1-5035-5585-3

                  Softcover       978-1-5035-5583-9

                  eBook            978-1-5035-5584-6

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Rev. date: 04/10/2015

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Contents

Antwon Setting: Leaving From Serving Dinner At A Soup Kitchen

Margie Setting: Working At A Female Homeless Shelter

Thomas Setting: Waiting For A Sexual Assault Victim At The Hospital

Allison Setting: Riding Along With An Officer

Claire Setting: Heading Home After An All-Night Ride Along With An Officer.

Kate Setting: Making A Follow-Up Call To A Rehabilitation Program Graduate

Nicolas Setting: Volunteering At A Family Resource Center

Anne Setting: Volunteering At A Female Sexual Assault Shelter

Pierre Setting: Serving Lunch At A Soup Kitchen

Wilson Setting: Teaching An Empathy Class At A Female Sexual Assault Shelter

Michelle Setting: Delivering Donations To A Gay Youth Shelter

Lauren Setting: Transporting From A Court Ordered Drug Testing Facility

Nicole Setting: Volunteering For A Senior Citizen Food Delivery Program

Benjamin Setting: Assisting A Pedestrian While Providing Transportation

Patty Setting: Conducting An Intervention At A Female Homeless Shelter

Sofia Setting: Conducting A Meeting At A Female Rehabilitation Center

Eduardo Setting: Providing Victim Services With A Local Police Department

Christine Setting: Entering Data At A Female Domestic Violence Shelter

Bruno Setting: Volunteering At A Male Homeless Shelter

Sheree Setting: Conducting A Weekly Room Check In A Homeless Shelter

Bridgette Setting: Volunteering At A Homeless Hotline Service

Emma Setting: Volunteering At A Family Resource Center

Max Setting: Preparing Cards For A Christmas Angel Program

Victoria Setting: Providing Victim Services For A Local Police Department

Samira Setting: Manning A Booth At A Gay Youth Event

Fatima Setting: Counseling At A Local Community College

Manuel Setting: Volunteering At A Senior Citizen Center

Dakota Setting: Leading An Empowerment Group At A Female Sexual Assault Shelter

Latosha Setting: Volunteering At A Local Soup Kitchen

Leroy Setting: Volunteering At A Female Domestic Violence Shelter

Karl Setting: Volunteering At A Gay Youth Shelter

Colleen Setting: Deescalating A Situation At A Female Rehabilitation Center

Devon Setting: Volunteering At A First Aid Station At A Skating Rink

Dillan Setting: Taking An After School Program On A Fieldtrip To A Local Pizza Restaurant

Emma Setting: Volunteering For A Senior Citizen Center

Anders Setting: Accompanying A Victim Of Domestic Violence On A Civil Standby

Pedro Setting: Volunteering At A Youth Resource Center

Bobbie Sue Setting: Volunteering At A Female Domestic Violence Shelter

Melinda Setting: Volunteering At A Day Care Facility

Delia Setting: Preparing For A Class At A Prison Transitional Program

Xavier Setting: Taking A Break While Volunteering At A Sports First Aid Station

Marla Setting: Exiting A Participant From A Female Domestic Violence Shelter

Stacey Setting: Volunteering At A Male Homeless Shelter

Tara Setting: Volunteering At A Gay Youth Resource Center

Mavis Setting: Providing Victim Services For A Local Police Department

Jay Jay – Driving In To Work For Victim Services

Aiden Setting: Promoting Volunteer Service To A Youth Group

Grace Setting: Serving Dinner At A Local Soup Kitchen

Alan Setting: Riding Along With An Officer

Darcie Setting: Returning From A First Aid Volunteer Job

Glena Setting: Assisting With Resumes At A Job Fair

Dionne Setting: Empowering Others By Choosing Inactivity

Abby Setting: Reflecting On A Fatal Traffic Jam

Jake Setting: Manning A Booth At A Local Health Fair

Kelsey Setting: Volunteering At A Hospice Center

Patrick Setting: Reaching Out To A Volunteer Coworker Friend

Owen Setting: Volunteering At A Valentine’s Dinner For Lgbtq Youth And Mentors

Seth Setting: Volunteering At A Youth Graduation Event

Latoya Setting: Volunteering At A Female Homeless Shelter.

Marvin Setting: Providing Victim Services For A Local Police Department

Scott Setting: Grasping To Understand A Fellow Human

Sandy Setting: Planning To Co-Teach A Class At A Female Homeless Shelter

Melvina Setting: Planning For A Teen Empowerment Event

Thea Setting: Visiting A Volunteer Coworker In Need Of Self-Healing

Gary Setting: Volunteering At A Family Resource Center Retirement Conference

Lorrayne Setting: Refurbishing A Female Domestic Violence Shelter

Wesley Setting: Preparing A Hot Meal In A Soup Kitchen

Hazel Setting: Chaperoning At A Dance For People With Special Needs

Chris Setting: Shopping For Materials For Two Volunteer Assignments

Kevin Setting: Consoling A Young Man In Anguish

Andie Setting: Volunteering At A Transgender Youth Event

Joel Setting: Providing Victim Services For A Local Police Department

Mario Setting: Attending A Victim Services Diversity Training

Keith Setting: Manning A Fall Festival First Aid Unit Recruitment Booth

Marjorie Setting: Introducing A Survivor

DEDICATED WITH MUCH LOVE

…to my brave peers who have endured pain and now choose to work with pain…

AND

…to my brother who is my superhero with capable, broad shoulders.

MAY WE ALL

…maintain our joy and resolve to stay strong for ourselves and others who just cannot do it on their own just yet.

A leader is a dealer in hope.

Napoleon Bonaparte

INTRODUCTION

Shortly after I wrote Victims and Survivors in 2014, I came across a man who quickly made me realize that my work writing about and for victims and survivors was not over. The man who brought me this realization was Antwon. Readers will find that he is the first story that I share in this book.

I was still working as a First Responder in various roles and as such, I was still coming across people who had amazing stories behind them. I felt I needed to continue recording those stories and putting them on paper to share with others.

I want to give Antwon and other such courageous souls like him, the credit for inspiring me to write Victims and Survivors 2. When I met Antwon, I wished that I had not yet finished my book so that I could include him in it. Thinking more and more about him over the weeks that followed our fateful meeting, I came to the conclusion that there was no reason that I could not have a follow up to Victims and Survivors. Hence began the preparation of Victims and Survivors 2.

So here it is… to all the readers out there who read Victims and Survivors in the past and who are now reading Victims and Survivors 2, I salute you. I hope you enjoy reading these stories as much as I enjoyed writing them. I feel honored to have met people like Antwon and have learnt so much from them.

As with Victims and Survivors, I have kept a similar format for Victims and Survivors 2. I wanted these accounts to serve as a means for reflection. The questions at the end of each story are provided to aid in discussions and to provide food for thought.

Likewise, I have included quotes for many of the same reasons. Quotes are a fundamental tool that I like to use to encourage and motivate myself as well as others. I have found that having just the right quote can make a tremendous difference in one’s mindset.

C:\Users\Mel\Downloads\20150224_052314.jpg

In my office, I like to post a big bulletin board on which I display various quotes such as the ones found in this book. As you can see in the picture, I have it hanging on the wall in plain sight. When victims and survivors come to me for any services, they are immediately greeted with many inspiring words and thoughts. These thoughts can serve as great consolation and bring a perspective that might be refreshing and helpful.

As a writer, a survivor, and an advocate, I cannot emphasize the difference that the right words can make at the right time. I would strongly recommend that those who work with people who have been victimized in any capacity have such a frame, bulletin board, or wall especially designated for quotes. There is an abundance of encouraging, motivating, and inspiring quotes readily available online. Depending on the population served and based on the victimization experienced, one can find all sorts of inspirational thoughts.

ANTWON

Setting: Leaving from Serving Dinner at a Soup Kitchen

I was extremely tired this night. I was pulling out of the parking lot of a local soup kitchen where I had been serving dinner to the guests. I had not gone two blocks when I noticed an older man standing, seeming disoriented and clutching what seemed to be a small pile of clothing. He had a long white ponytail and looked to be right out of a picture of the 60’s. He looked confused, his eyes were darting all about, and he was crying inconsolably. I did not recall having served him in the food line that evening. However, there had been quite a crowd and so it could very well be that I had simply not noticed him. Either way, it did not take many observational skills to see that this man clearly needed assistance. I steered my vehicle back into the parking lot, wondering what I was getting into.

I got out of my vehicle and started walking towards the man. As I did so, his crying continued. With a shaky voice he called out, I don’t know who you are. I do not hear well. I do not see well. I don’t know if I can trust you. I immediately grasped the severity of the situation. This was not just a man needing help, but also a man with some physical challenges. This made him even more vulnerable.

I slowed down my approach to him. I did not want to scare him with a rapid approach. I identified myself by name. I let him know that I wanted to help him and that he was safe. I told him that if he allowed me to, I would like to help him. He cried harder saying that I was going to think he was less of a man. He cried out that things should not be like that and that he is supposed to be able to handle things because he is a man. I was not quite certain as to what all he was referring to but gently I convinced him that I would simply like to help him at whatever level he would allow me to do so.

This dear man was clearly afraid of something or someone and some sort of judgment coming from me. I braced myself trying to imagine what could be so terrible. I prepared myself to guard my tone not allowing my voice to reflect any sort of surprise, judgment or shock. Whatever was torturing this man, he was judging his own self harshly enough. He certainly did not need any judgment from me.

He finally took a deep breath and blurted out that he was gay and had just left his home from his abusive husband of 15+ years. He said it while ducking down. It was as if he was expecting some sort of violent repercussion from this announcement. I felt bad for him but could not help but get a warm smile on my face. I reached out slowly so as not to scare him and touched his shoulder gently. I told him we were family. I told him that I was a gay woman too. His relief was immediately visible. Oh, thank God! he exclaimed various times as he looked up into the clouds. He cried hard again but this time it seemed to be out of relief. I gently rubbed his shoulder waiting for him to gather himself a bit so that we could speak.

He told me his name was Antwon. He had lived in San Francisco for years and had come from the times when he was beat by cops with their batons and arrested for being a fag. Many years ago he had worked with a politician who fought to improve the rights of the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transsexual) community. He started mumbling that everything he had done had been for nothing and his life was worthless. He was stumbling around. He started to back up thereby almost falling off of the edge. I caught him awkwardly. A few clues were indicative that he had a few drinks in him. His off-balance gait was no surprise.

I realized that I needed to get this man into a safer and more comfortable situation. He probably needed some water and food in him as well. I looked around and saw that there was a tree with some big rocks under it nearby. I came up with a plan and explained to Antwon what I would like to do. I asked Antwon if he would allow me to lead him to the rocks so that we could sit down. Antwon was agreeable to this.

Holding on to my arm, we slowly navigated together towards the rocks. As I led him, explaining the terrain to him so that he would not trip, Antwon’s frailty and vulnerability stood out to me.

Antwon and I finally reached the rocks and I helped him sit down. Thankfully, the rocks were big decorative ones so they were almost at a similar height as a chair. I described to him where he was sitting in the hopes that this would help him feel safer. I did not imagine that the rocks were terribly comfortable, but it was better than having him just standing until I could figure out what to do.

It occurred to me that he could not have come from too far in the state in which I had found him. His abusive partner could very possibly be out looking for him. This could pose quite a safety risk for us as we were beside a busy road and highly visible to all cars passing by us.

I asked Antwon if his abusive husband might be in the vicinity. He admitted that his abuser might be driving around looking for him.

I explained to Antwon that I wanted to move my vehicle closer so that it could serve to block him a bit. Antwon reached out quickly, grabbing my hand tightly. He asked me if I was going to leave him. My heart twisted in my chest for him. I reassured him and promised him that I was not leaving him. He still seemed afraid. I racked my brain for the words that might alleviate some of his fear. No brilliant words came to mind.

Then I had an idea. I took my cell phone and put it gently in his hand. I told Antwon that he was holding my cell phone and that I needed him to take care of it while I moved my vehicle. I told him that without it, I was lost because I did not memorize numbers well. He realized that this was my token of trust for him to know that I was going to move my vehicle and I would be back as quickly as I could.

Antwon patted my hand as if to let me know that he knew. I was touched that in his state, he was trying to reassure me. I asked him to please not move from the rock until I got back. I was afraid that he would wander into the street and get hit by a car.

I ran to my vehicle. I opened my trunk and rapidly inventoried any food or drink I had on board. I grabbed a couple of things, slammed the trunk shut, and jumped into the driver’s seat. I drove around to the other side of the parking lot. I positioned my vehicle so that the vehicles passing on the road could not see Antwon.

I came back to Antwon with two small bottles of water and some granola bars that I had found in my trunk. As I approached, Antwon stretched out his hand with my phone in it. Through tearful eyes that sadly could only see shades of movement, he thanked me for not leaving him. I took my phone from him and in exchange, put the snack in his hand. I asked him if he was allergic to peanuts. All I needed was to add anaphylactic shock to our list of emergencies. Thankfully, it turned out that peanut allergies were not something of which I needed to worry.

As Antwon was snacking and drinking, I was trying to casually get more information out of him without sounding as if I was giving him a third degree interrogation session. I needed more information so that I could get a clearer grasp of the situation. I had to figure out what I could do to help him.

From the information Antwon gave me, I was able to discern that Antwon’s husband was emotionally and physically abusive. I could not see any obvious marks on Antwon but I did not want to assume he did not have any injuries under his clothing. I had to ask him if he needed medical attention. He told me that he did not but showed me some old scars that his husband had put on him. I was glad he could not see my face well because a flash of anger came over me when I saw what Antwon’s husband had done to him.

Antwon had nowhere to go. He did not want an order of protection. He was especially adamant that he did not want the police involved because he hates them with a passion and they return that hate. He told me he was terrified of the police because they would just laugh at him and beat him again.

As a gay woman who was very out, I knew that times had changed drastically from when the homophobic beatings had occurred. I strongly wished that I could help Antwon to realize that the police had changed since the 50’s and 60’s. Diversity, people’s rights, and being politically correct were issues that had been addressed openly. We no longer needed to walk around fearing getting beat up with a baton.

In an effort to alleviate some of Antwon’s fears, I shared with him that I worked closely with various police departments in the area as a Victim Services Volunteer. I had deep respect for the men and women who put their lives on the line for us every day when they put on their badge and uniform. I told him that I was sorry that he had been hurt back when diversity ignorance was rampant but that times had truly changed. I shared that I was not in the closet with anyone in or out of the police department. My own brother was a well-liked police officer who was openly gay as well. His peers in the department had nothing but respect for him. He was a good man. I told Antwon that my brother was actually marrying his partner of 18 years in a couple of months. We were all very excited for them… including the other officers that knew about the upcoming nuptials.

Antwon had many years of hate and fear in him and so I did not expect him to change his viewpoint any time soon. However, I did want to plant that seed in his mind that it would be good if he looked onto officers as friends rather than foes especially because of how very vulnerable he was in so very many ways. It was highly likely that he would need to call officers for assistance in the future.

As I mulled over other ways in which I could retain Antwon’s trust and get him to trust the officers, I took my Victim Services Resource manual out of my trunk. I flipped through it to see what options were available for elderly gentlemen with circumstances such as these.

While I searched my manual, Antwon told me about some of the rougher years in gay history. He shared how hurtful the AIDS scares and the ostracism of closed-minded people had been. As a gay woman, I found his stories sad but extremely fascinating as well. It was all part of my people’s history. I loved to be sharing in conversation with Antwon. However, instead of under a tree in challenging circumstances, I would have loved us to be sitting at a proper dinner table with hours ahead of us for him to continue sharing his experiences.

I realized how many sacrifices and hardships my gay brothers and sisters had gone through years before to fight for so many of the freedoms that we, the gay community, had today. I had this urge to put down the manual, stand up and solute Antwon for taking the beatings he had taken to pave the way for us today. He was so busy trashing himself thanks to years of being brainwashed by his abusive husband, that he had no idea just how honored I felt to even be speaking with him. He was a big part of history that directly affected my quality of life and freedoms today. I let him vent his sorrows because I realized that he had probably had this all bottled in for years. I knew that before he and I parted ways, I would need to share my admiration of him, with him.

I continued perusing through my binder as we spoke. Antwon’s situation had so many special circumstances that finding a place for him was really proving to be a challenge for me.

I finally found a phone number of a shelter in the area that might take Antwon. The shelter was a possible option as it was specifically dedicated to serving older men who were homeless. I called the shelter to find out their requirements and if we could get a bed tonight for Antwon. I got excited when I was told that we could! However, one of their requirements was that there had to be a police report documenting the abuse. Realizing that this could be a major deal breaker for Antwon, I told the shelter I would get back with them as soon as I had set that up.

I knew that getting Antwon to allow me to call for an officer to come assist was going to be a challenging task. Antwon had minced no words when telling me how he felt about police officers. I figured there was no point beating around the bush. I took a deep breath and broke the news to Antwon. The only way I could get him into a shelter tonight was going to be if we had a police report.

Antwon broke down crying, rocking back and forth, and telling me how scared he was. I felt terrible but we were out of options. I promised him that I would not leave him until he was safely on his way to the shelter and that I would be right there with him. I absolutely would not allow anyone to hurt him in any way. It took me about another good twenty minutes to convince Antwon that the police would not hurt him.

Antwon was shaking like a leaf when they arrived. I realized how hard this was for Antwon and what a nightmare this evening had become for him. I hated to cause him any additional anguish but I really had no choice if I was going to get him into a shelter tonight.

As the officers were walking towards us, I told Antwon to give me a minute while I explained to them the situation. They were two officers. One looked to be about 20 something years old and the other about 30 something years old. I prayed they were open minded and gay friendly. Ideally, one or both would be gay but I knew that that would be too much to ask for. I wished my brother had been on patrol that night as he would have been awesome to have there. However, it was his night off tonight.

I explained to the officers Antwon’s situation, Antwon’s health concerns and Antwon’s fear of their knowing he was a gay abused man. Both officers took the information well and if they had any personal negative opinions of gay people, they certainly did not show it. Of course, I had told them that the way I had finally earned Antwon’s trust had been to share with him that I was gay too. If they had been going to share any negativity, I am sure my telling them I was gay as well had curtailed any such comments.

We walked up to Antwon together and as we did so, I told Antwon who was with me, and the officers’ names. I told Antwon that the officers were nice and were going to help us, that they knew I was gay and that he was gay, and they were perfectly ok with that. I did not truly know if they were ok with us being gay or not as I did not know their personal views on the subject. However, I did know that they would help us.

Antwon was very much on guard. He told the officers that he did not like them because they beat him. I was glad that I had been able to explain to them the situation and Antwon’s mindset before they spoke with Antwon. The officers were extremely patient. I was relieved for Antwon’s sake.

Antwon could have really offended the officers with his statements about police departments. Thankfully, they stayed cool and did not take anything personally. I think they realized that Antwon was simply a scared man, not in his most lucid moment, and he had much pain in him from years before.

The officers took down the information they needed to write up a report. I had to admire how throughout the entire conversation, they ignored Antwon’s defensive behavior. They did not seem to be bothered by any biting remarks or sarcastic comments.

We were finally through with the documentation needed. Thanks to the officers, we now had a report number to give to the shelter so that Antwon could get a bed for the night.

One of the officers stayed with us to make sure that the abusive husband did not show up while we finished getting everything situated. I called the shelter back, gave them the report number and set up transport.

While we waited for the transport to arrive Antwon shared more stories with me. I found him fascinating. He had really seen a lot and been through a lot.

The officer waited in his patrol car so that he could keep an eye on the road and watch his computer in case he had to rush out on another emergency.

When the vehicle pulled up to pick up Antwon, the officer came out to help me. We assisted Antwon to get in the vehicle.

I could not help but hug Antwon and put my hand gently on his cheek. I told him that even though he could not see it, I was looking in his eyes and that I just had to tell him how much his taking beatings years before and standing up for our rights meant to my brother, my friends, and me. I told him that as the sponsor of the Gay, Straight Alliance at the high school where I taught, his beatings meant a lot to the young students that I worked with as well.

I firmly told Antwon that I completely disagreed with what he had said earlier about his work and efforts all having been useless or meaningless. Thanks to his courage and that of others like him, we had freedoms that were growing nationwide every day. I told him he needed to find that courage again and get himself stronger and better. He got in the vehicle sobbing.

As the vehicle drove off with Antwon in the back, I looked at it wondering what would become of him and whether he would learn to love himself again someday. I hoped so. I barely knew him and yet he had touched my heart in so many ways that I knew I would be reflecting about him often.

SIDENOTE: Not even a year after I had met Antwon, same sex marriage was approved in my state. Around that time, my brother married his partner of 18+ years. There are times when I see the happiness between my brother and his husband and how close their marriage brought them to each other, and I can’t help but think of Antwon. I think of the many sacrifices that Antwon and his generation of my gay brothers and sisters took on. I am most grateful and humbled by them. I know without a doubt that they did us all a great service. My deepest gratitude goes out to all of them for their courageous strength and endurance.

Taking a new step, uttering a new word, are what people fear most.

Fyodor Dostoyevsky

MARGIE

Setting: Working at a Female Homeless Shelter

I was volunteering at a homeless shelter and found Margie sitting in a corner crying. I had met Margie a few weeks back when I had first come to work at this shelter. I liked Margie. She was a soft-spoken woman who had experienced a very hard life on the streets. I knelt down next to her and softly asked if I could be of assistance.

I had a hard time understanding her through her sobs. However, the bits and pieces I did catch, led me to believe that she was crying over a staff member who had left the shelter. The staff member’s leave had occurred unexpectedly due to a family emergency. I knew that she had left the state quickly to go up north to take care of her elderly mother.

Margie had only been at this shelter for a few weeks and so her attachment to the staff member seemed to be excessive for the short time that Margie had known her. I let Margie vent and slowly got piece by piece.

Margie had been abused physically and sexually throughout most of her childhood. She had serious attachment issues and rarely