My Story, My Song: Daughter of a Murder Victim: Grief, Grace, and Growth After Loss

By Rev. Wanda Henry-Jenkins

On February 11, 1972, Wanda arrived home at 11:30 p.m. She was the charge nurse at a local nursing home. What she did not know was by 3:00 a.m. February 12, her life would be irrevocably changed by the unexpected violent death of her mother. Walk with Wanda through the cycles of homicidal loss. See how she was spiritually transformed. Allow her to help you regain hope and healing as she gently accompanies you in the aftermath of a loved ones murder.

My Story, My Song: Daughter of a Murder Victim is Wandas story of her transition from devastation to spiritual transformation after the loss. Her story is an intimate and inspirational portrayal of how one can be transformed through grief and mourning while experiencing divine and human grace.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: May 13, 2015
• ISBN: 9781490879994

Rev. Wanda Henry-Jenkins

Reverend Wanda Henry-Jenkins has worked in healthcare for more than forty-five years as a nurse, chaplain, and bereavement/volunteer manager. For her groundbreaking work with families of sudden death and homicide, she was awarded the Miss Clairol Take Charge Award, the National Association of Social Workers Public Citizen Award, the National Council of Negro Womens Tribute to Black Women Community Leaders, and the University of Pennsylvanias Black Health Conference Nursing Award. Reverend Wanda is the author of Just Us: Overcoming and Understanding Homicidal Loss and Grief, and Hard Work: A Guided Journal for Survivors of Murder Victims. She writes workbooks for individuals coping with death and loss. Wanda is featured in several videos: At Deaths Door, Beyond Deaths Door, and Children Grieve Too. She was a panelist on the Hospice Foundation of America Teleconference on Diversity and End of Life. Reverend Wanda has been married to her sweetheart, Reverend Samuel L. Jenkins, Jr., for thirty-five years. They have two adult children and four grandchildren.

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Copyright © 2015 Wanda Henry-Jenkins.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Scripture taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

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ISBN: 978-1-4908-8000-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-8001-3 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-7999-4 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015907306

WestBow Press rev. date: 5/12/2015

Contents

Acknowledgements

Foreword

Preface

Chapter 1    Aquilla’s Story

Chapter 2    My Story

Chapter 3    My Sorrow and Suffering

Chapter 4    Homicide Hurts, Again and Again

Chapter 5    Criminal Justice

Chapter 6    Special Homicide Scenarios

Chapter 7    Cold-Case Homicide

Chapter 8    Homicide Bereavement

Chapter 9    Homicide Stress Syndrome

Chapter 10    Celebration of Life

Chapter 11    Just Us: Victims, Survivors, and Overcomers

Chapter 12    Everything Must Change

Chapter 13    Bigger Than Me

Chapter 14    Spirituality and Suffering

Chapter 15    Developing Peer Support Groups

Epilogue:    Meet My Mother

This book is dedicated to my parents

Wade and Juanita Henry

Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. (2 Corinthians 1:3–4 KJV)

Acknowledgements

I am immensely grateful to my mentor, Reverend Dr. Ida V. James, for encouraging me to write this book and being a spiritual mother. Also, I am grateful for four friends that read my first draft and encouraged me to proceed with the writing, and rewriting this book: Barbara Bruce, Barbara Dion, Barbara Hutchinson, and Priscilla Coatney.

My sincere gratitude to every survivor of a sudden unexpected death (accident, suicide or natural) that permitted me to minister to their grief needs. And, to the family and friends of murder victims that taught me much of what I know by allowing me to accompany you during sorrowful time, thank you.

I am also grateful to the hospice bereaved families I have been privileged to provide bereavement care to because through them I received balance and broadness in how I perceived grief and loss. Thank you for allowing me in the sacred space of pain and to companion you through the process of mourning.

And, a special thank you to my brother Benjamin, and my sister-in-law, Therese. You made a major difference by believing in my ability to write and complete this project.

Thank you to my daughter, Jazmine for listing to my ideas, and to my son, Joshua for permitting me to use his art for the cover page.

I am grateful for my best friend, encourager, and the most intelligent man I know, my husband and inspiration, Samuel. Thank you for always being open to my every endeavor, for being the perfect spiritual covering, and for helping me to go far beyond anything I could ever think.

Finally and foremost, I thank God. Without him, his son, Jesus, and my guide the Holy Spirit, nothing in my life would be possible.

Foreword

This account of a daughter’s grief, grace and growth after her mother’s homicide, brings to the reader, an intimate view of how one person’s progress through the process of homicide bereavement can be changed into a formula for survival.

Beyond her personal survival, Rev. Wanda Henry-Jenkins, through her reliance upon God’s power, fine-tuned the skills God had given her. I, her youth minister, had discerned her leadership potentials as an early teen-ager. Later, even though we were not geographically close, she allowed me the privilege to follow her journey through the various changes life brings.

Her compassionate spirit has always led her to include others to share her experiences, and at the same time, challenge those who needed an extra boost to keep going in life.

This book is a means of Rev. Wanda’s way of, not only, sharing her story, it also is a way to enable you, the reader, to survive in the midst of a world, in which murder is, often, a daily occurrence.

The reader will also receive a glimpse of her mother who was an example of a person, who faced life’s challenges head on, and conquered.

When I first met Mrs. Henry, a mother of nine children (thirteen and under), she was in nurses’ training, and traveled by bus 50 miles daily for classes. She accomplished that goal, and for me, she became a model of a person, who could take a lemon and make lemonade.

Rev. Wanda challenges the reader to call murder murder, and not to sugar coat it, by calling it something that sounds more pleasant. This will enable readers to deal with all aspects of this type of death, as difficult as it may be, and come out victorious.

Above all, the reader will be reminded or introduced to the comfort that comes from God. This will enable them to experience the words of the Apostle Paul: Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we are comforteth of God. II Corinthians 1: 3, 4. KJV

Reverend Dr. Ida V. James

Author of If the Storms Don’t Cease

Preface

Covictims of homicide are often visible during the news media coverage, or during the trial, if someone is apprehended and prosecuted, or we may be highlighted at a peace march against violence. But when the illumination of publicity dims, we are for the most part pushed to the curb of yesterday’s news. Like an old news story, many grieve the murder of our loved ones without adequate social support, professional intervention, or spiritual care. This was my experience after homicidal loss.

In order to move beyond a narrow view of homicidal loss and grief, I explored the effects of murder on other survivors through personal conversations. For many years there was very little to no evident information on the topic of homicidal loss. There is more today, but there is still not enough from a first-person perspective.

My response to what I discovered led to the publishing of my first book, Just Us: Overcoming and Understanding Homicidal Loss and Grief, and to the subsequent printing of a guided workbook, Hard Work: A Guided Workbook for Coping with Homicidal Loss and Grief, printed in 1999. Both the book and workbook were designed to provide survivors of homicidal loss with a caring response and compassionate resource to address their pain and sorrow. It was also meant to acknowledge and validate the feelings of abandonment and isolation that may occur in the turbulent aftermath of sudden, unexpected, deliberate death. These writings were meant to empower survivors of murder victims to cope with the unavoidable stress of murder and to encourage healthy mourning. These books have been out of print since early in this century.

It was never my plan to write another book about homicidal grief. However, several incidents have occurred that have reignited my desire to write another book that will help survivors of murder victims but may also help others with bereaved and broken hearts caused by other means of death.

Murders are occurring daily, and newly bereaved individuals can gain insight from my story. Many people have asked me for copies of those books to share with someone they know who has been bereaved by homicide. Both are a rare find and expensive.

But after reading a five-star review about the contents of Just Us: Understanding and Overcoming Homicidal Loss and Grief, I realized it was time to write a new book. When I wrote Just Us: Understanding and Overcoming Homicidal Loss and Grief and Hard Work: A Guided Workbook for Coping with Homicidal Loss and Grief, it was two decades after the homicide of my mother. I described the effects of my mom’s murder on me and my family and our grief response, and I gave survivors of a murder victim tools to help them survive.

This book, My Story, My Song: Daughter of a Murder Victim, Grief, Grace, and Growth after Loss, is designed to provide insight as to how the very incident that could have led to my destruction became the stepping stone to my overall spiritual transformation. It is an example of how an individual bereaved by homicide can explore grief, embrace grace, and experience growth in the aftermath. It also shows how this writer gained and shared knowledge about the homicide bereavement process and was transformed into a compassionate Christian caregiver. This book is also a fresh spiritual perspective on the effects of murder and how, when the worst has happened, your broken heart can mend, your wounded soul can heal, and you can become a comforting guide to help others who are hurting from any type of loss or trouble.

A little more than four decades have passed since my mother’s murder. It has been my passion and privilege to provide compassionate companionship and comfort to thousands of hurting souls: to witness their transition from hopelessness to hope; to guide them from confusion to clarity; and also to observe their transformation from brokenness to wholeness.

Apart from my physical presence, reading and guided writings are two of the most powerful healing tools God has given me to use. I read incessantly. I write books and workbooks for the hurting. Then I encourage hurting people to write their own stories. The foundation of this book is the power of words: the words written in my story to share my journey; the words read in topical research to bring clarity and understanding; and the words you will write to tell your story. These words describe how grief, grace, and growth are essential in opening the doorway of consolation and comfort as God heals us through the power of words.

There are many people who are murder victims’ survivors. Can you imagine the number of people who are hurting? If you are a covictim of a murder victim or concerned about someone who has experienced this type of sudden, unexpected, violent bereavement, you might say yes and no—yes because of the pain you are now feeling and no because these facts are not often known to the public. What I am saying is that as alone as you may feel, there are millions of survivors of murder victims. Just in face-to-face contact, I have personally served more than five thousand families of homicide victims. This does not include the thousands of survivors of murder victims who bought my first two books.

Believe me, as staggering as these statistics are, this does not include close and distant relatives, friends, classmates, colleagues, or the local communities in which they live. There were my mother’s nine children, her parents, my father, the local community, and the hospital where she worked. This does not include her friends, her distant relatives, and even our friends. The statistics for people who will grieve the loss of murder victims are innumerable!

Beloved covictims and mourners, my heart’s desire is to offer you this refreshed writing so the process of healing will begin as your sorrow is addressed and the confusion of why you grieve the way you do is clarified. This book is written from a personal and professional viewpoint. As I wrote, the title became apparent: My Story, My Song: Daughter of