The Mayor of Sunnyside

By Brandon Ignatius Richard

This book in particular is exclusive to the wild and crazy adventures (that I am able to remember) in Morgantown years after graduating in college, came back to visit, to my relocation to Morgantown years after graduating. Hilarious tales filled with alcohol, drugs, reckless partying, and random insanity that could ONLY happen in Morgantown. Anyone that went to WVU already has an idea of the madness in this book before they open it. To those who didn't, brace yourself for stories wilder that you can imagine because I guarantee you will NEVER read stories as crazy as this again. LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Feb 27, 2016
• ISBN: 9781503530249

Brandon Ignatius Richard

My name is Brandon Ignatius Richardson and I am an OG Mountaineer. Hip Hop is my true passion in life but no one seems to care about me being a MC. No matter where I go all people want to talk about is what happened at the bar. Finally, I decided to write down my escapades for all to enjoy.

Book preview

PART I:

Random stories from college

MORGANTOWN CAN’T BE REAL… IT JUST CAN’T BE

T here were some cool guys that lived on top of Tec, Rumble, and Raid. I hung out with them the most out of the ‘Fab 5’ because of the surreal conversations I would get into with Deep Bug ³.

Once, I went upstairs to check them as they were finishing a marathon of gravity bong hits. Right on cue they told me I was up. It didn’t take long for the munchies to set in so we ordered something to eat. First we decided on the local sandwich shop, but none of us wanted to be the one to place the order because we were so high. Deep Bug suggested I make the call as I’d only had one gravity bong hit.

I called and gave them our orders but we were having problems with Bacca’s. First he couldn’t get a cheesesteak because the grill was turned off. Then they were out of meatballs. After Bacca’s third choice was rejected both Deep Bug and Bacca told me to hang up the phone. I looked at them confused as I kept talking but Deep Bug walked towards me, grabbed the phone, and hung it up. I asked him why he did that and Deep Bug said, Fuck him, he’s being a dick. He just doesn’t want to do any work on a Friday night. He’s probably sitting on his fat ass (Deep Bug made hand gestures acting like he was masturbating) Oh yeah, we don’t have that…(We all laugh). Let’s get pizza.

They said they had a friend that worked at Pizza Hut who gives them a discount but they couldn’t find the number. Deep Bug jokingly suggested we call another pizza place to ask for Pizza Hut’s number. Bacca agreed but I talked them out of it. I told them if they did that they’d never be able to order from there again. They disagreed until I asked them, How’d you feel if you were stuck at work on a Friday night and people called in making jokes? If you ever saw that number again you would probably spit in their food…or even worse.

Deep Bug said, Yeah you’re right, we’d never be able to order pizza from there again…what a sick world we live in.

Bacca said, Yeah, like that time they caught someone shitting in the meat at the local taco place.

I started laughing and said (surprised), WHAT?!?!

Deep Bug said their other roommate, Andretti, used to bring home tacos every now and then and one night he decided to eat a couple. Later that night he was standing in the shower knowing something wasn’t right. Then all of a sudden he started throwing up and shitting at the same time. Bacca said from that point on he came downstairs to shit and vomit every hour on the hour for the rest of the night.

Deep Bug said a couple of weeks later there was an article in the school newspaper about an employee at the local taco place getting caught shitting in the ground beef and mixing it up. He said in total twenty four people got sick. A foreign student saw him doing it but kept quiet for weeks because he thought he was going to get fired or deported or something.

I’m on the floor laughing uncontrollably at this point.

Not even fifteen minutes after the laughter died down, Andretti came stumbling home. He was drunk and in a good mood because he got an ‘A’ on a really hard test. Bacca suggested he do a gravity bong to celebrate. Andretti hardly ever smoked with us but he decided to as a reward for his hard work. He didn’t know what a gravity bong was so Bacca showed him⁴. Andretti said Oh…my…God in shock when Bacca filled it up. Bacca set it up for him, Andretti took it, and Bacca turned off the light before rejoining us in the living room to watch TV and talk.

I was complaining about how hungry I was when Deep Bug asked if I had been to class that day. After I nodded ‘yes’ he asked, What did I miss…nothing as usual? I was in the process of saying ‘yeah’ when I realized he did indeed miss something. I told him there were only about ten of us in class and I was sitting at my desk half asleep as usual. As soon as the teacher got to class someone asked him about the last test scores. He wasn’t crying but he was deeply hurt as he said, I probably shouldn’t tell you this and bring my personal life into the class but my wife left me…she ‘thinks’ I’ve been beating her. She had me arrested last night and locked me out of my house. I can’t see my kids. She won’t even let me get to my computer that has everybody’s grades stored on it.

Bacca (astonished): Get out!

Deep Bug: Christ, the one time I don’t go to class he actually says something of importance.

Me (laughing): Yeah, and it’s not school related.

Bacca: So everybody’s grades are lost?

I nodded ‘yes’ as Deep Bug said WOO-HOO like Homer Simpson. Then I glanced over to the kitchen and noticed Andretti was still standing in front of the sink where he took the gravity bong hit.

Me: Yo, has anyone noticed that Andretti hasn’t moved since his last bong hit?

Deep Bug: Sure he has.

Me: Nah…he hasn’t .

Deep Bug: (walking towards him) Andretti, what’s up? (He looks in Andretti’s face then starts laughing) He has no expression on his face.

I walk over to him while Bacca turns the lights on and off repeatedly but Andretti had no expression as he stood there motionless. He was also dead silent with the exception of slightly laughing every now and then. We are cracking jokes on him, laughing and having a good time at his expense until we finally turned off the lights and went back to watching TV in the living room. Then the pizza finally came. When we turned on the lights and brought the pizza to the kitchen Andretti was still standing in the same position, motionless.

Me: Damn, he must be really high… he won’t even turn around for food.

Bacca: Yo Jay, do you have the munchies?

Deep Bug: Snap out of it and have some pizza!

Bacca grabbed a slice and asked him if he wanted any pizza as he put a slice in his face, moving it back and forth, but there was still no response or movement from Andretti. All he did was mumble something to himself every now and then. We ate the pizza, turned the lights off again, and were watching TV while Andretti was still in the same position. About fifteen minutes later we hear him making these hacking sounds. We ignored it at first but when the hacking sounds became more frequent I warned them he was about to throw up on the gravity bong as I laughed.

Bacca said, Dude…don’t throw up on the bong. Then Andretti started throwing up in the sink. They had one of those sinks that was divided in two and Deep Bug had just done the dishes.

Deep Bug: At least don’t throw up on the dishes, I just washed them (right on cue Andretti starts throwing up on the dishes)…. Christ! You son of a bitch!

I’m laughing hysterically as they argue about who’s going to clean it up.

Bacca: Who’s going to clean that crap up?

Deep Bug: It sure as hell isn’t going to be me! He can clean it up when he gets up tomorrow…seriously dude.

Oh my god it was so funny! This is why my friends back home could never really understand what my life was like on a daily basis in Morgantown. How could I explain this night to them? There’s no way people that grew up in the hood could comprehend the random insanity that could go down at any moment in Morgantown when you are doing ‘normal’ everyday things. Morgantown isn’t reality… it just isn’t.

WE STOLE YOUR PIZZA BY ACCIDENT DOG…I SWEAR

O ne Friday night we were all partying in my crib, nothing spectacular just blunts and 40s while rhyming. Occasionally we went over to the party my neighbors were throwing in my apartment complex. It was a bunch of people on the wrestling team living next to us so our friend T-Step was over there partying, or at least trying to anyway. He was semi-conscious laying on a bed drunk in someone’s bedroom in front of a bunch of pe ople.

His pizza arrived just as Tec, Small Pond, and myself found him in the party. Two of his friends asked if they could buy a slice of pizza. T-Step muttered something that they took as a yes and they gave him one dollar each. T-Step was so drunk he didn’t even make an attempt to grab the money so it ended up being two dollar bills floating in the air until they fell on the bed. Tec and I looked at each other and immediately asked T-Step if we could ‘buy’ a slice from him while laughing at the same time. We gave him a dollar then I carried the whole box out of the party.

Tec, Small Pond, and I straight devoured the rest of his pizza in dead silence. When we were almost done Small Pond broke the silence by saying, Yo… I tried to give him money for his pizza but… Tec and I interrupted him by bursting out laughing. Small Pond’s mouth was stuffed with so much pizza he could barely talk but he was trying to justify his guilty conscious.

~

About an hour later we were back in my place chilling when we heard some commotion outside. When we went to investigate we saw T-Step keeled over throwing up repeatedly in front of a crowd of people. We all laughed and went back inside but shortly after we got a knock on the door. Some of T-Step’s friends asked if he could stay with us because they wanted to go downtown but he was passed out. They literally dragged him to my living room floor where he lay in the middle of a blunt and rhyme cipher until we decided he was in the way. We dragged him to the kitchen but then quickly decided that wasn’t a good spot either so we dragged him to the front of the bedrooms.

We took turns taking pictures over him laughing while we hung out. The whole time he only picked his head up once and then immediately put it back down. Twin Opposite said the look on his face was like, I know y’all are cracking jokes on me and I’d love to defend myself if I could but I can’t so… man, fuck y’all! We all started laughing.

To compound the entertainment, Seinfeld was also really drunk off E+J. The funny thing about this was Seinfeld was talking big shit about out-drinking all of us that night. So to see him laid out next to T-Step like that was hilarious. It literally looked like a crime scene the way their bodies were sprawled out on the floor.

DERBY DAYS

T his was yet another WVU tradition that was cancelled by our wonderful school president, Warren G. Hardesty. This, along with the thousands of things he did to slowly but surely kill the party vibe at WVU, angered me because I never got to experience the traditional Derby Days. I’ll go into greater detail during the four part saga of how I accomplished my dream, but I was the furthest thing from a party animal my first three years at WVU. It wasn’t until my junior year that I started cracking out of my shell. Junior year just so happens to be the first year Derby Days was brought back.

I was so excited to hear this, but as the day drew closer I became less and less enthused. It was because President Hardesty brought Derby Days back with a stipulation. I don’t remember what the stipulation was but it made us give serious consideration to not going because we knew it definitely wouldn’t be the same and there was a strong possibility it would’ve been straight lame! Tec and I went back and forth about it all morning. We knew Steelz was already there but the stipulation the president put on the party had us hesitant. Finally, we decided we would go up to the Frat house to check it out but were adamant that we weren’t going to pay to get in. If we couldn’t sneak or talk our way in we would leave.

When we got there we looked on from the outside and decided it was worth going but still refused to pay. We looked for a place to sneak in but saw someone we knew working security that let us in free. Not even ten minutes later we found the rest of the crew. Everyone, especially Steelz, was smashed. Tec and I had no choice but to catch up.

A little while later Steelz and I were standing around chilling when two frat boys started arguing with each other. I shouldn’t even call it an argument because only one of them said or did anything. He said, Fuck you cocksucker. Come around my way just come around my way cocksucker…Fuck you!

He said that about three times but the other guy was silent. Steelz and I started singing, "Come around my way, come around my way⁵." We laughed over this but when he got a beer thrown in his face and still didn’t do anything, Steelz and I lost it!

We continued drinking and I’m getting highly intoxicated at a rapid rate⁶. Things took a drastic turn for the worse when they passed me a joint of some really potent weed. Someone who threw in on the joint objected but Twin Opposite insisted. I’ll never forget him saying, No… it has good weed in it, let him smoke it, as he laughed. Since I was in the early stages of being a weed head the crew loved to see how high and stupid they could get me for their entertainment. Not to mention it was still so surreal for me to be smoking weed⁷.

Let’s just say Twin Opposite’s master plan worked. All it took was a couple of pulls off that joint for me to become completely disoriented. I remember all of my friends laughing at how high I was as I sat on a log by myself. My equilibrium was so off I thought I was going to fall off of it and roll down the hill. So imagine my trepidation with trying to get up and walk when we needed more beer. I stood at the top of the hill woozy, just knowing I couldn’t do it.

When I finally gathered my bearings for this mission a random girl got in front of me to walk down the hill. Without even hesitating I pushed her out of the way. I remember her sucking her teeth and saying something but I was too locked into concentrating on the task at hand to apologize. It didn’t take long for me to realize there was a strong possibility I would stumble down due to my inebriation. So what did I do next? I squatted down, put my hands on the dirt, and crawled down the hill frontwards as if that wasn’t just as embarrassing.

~

We walked home in almost dead silence. The only conversation going on was Tec trying to convince me to go to the Cup party⁸ that night. I told him I wanted to go but didn’t think I’d be up for it after Derby Days. He told me if I smoked a blunt and lay down I’d be ok. I didn’t believe him at the time but it turned out he was right.

At this point we were at the borderline of Sunnyside and downtown, all we had to do was cross the grass field at the college of Business and Economics. When we got to the staircase a random guy from Sunnyside who we didn’t know, Grassy, decided to sit on the railing and slide down. Talk about an epic failure, as soon as he let go of the railing, he fell over landing face first in the dirt. Then his head bounced up and down as he tumbled down the hill. All ten of us fell on the floor laughing uncontrollably for about fifteen minutes.

When we finally stopped Steelz repeatedly asked him, But I don’t understand… why would you do that though? His questioning was almost as funny as the act itself but nothing could match the hilarity of him tumbling down the hill. I will never forget the look on his face, covered in grass and dirt, as it bounced up and down on the hill. To this day I laugh uncontrollably whenever I think about this story. In fact, I’m writing this in public and have burst out in laughter at least three times already. I know how crazy I must look to the people seated next to me, a few of them won’t stop looking at me, but I don’t care. I tease Grassy about this damn near twenty years later and it is still hilarious.

YOU’RE ON FIRE… AND I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT FREESTYLING EITHER

I t’s Twin Opposite, Goon, Pryor, and I smoking at my crib late night. Everyone is wasted! Twin Opposite passed Pryor the blunt but he accidentally knocked it out of Twin Opposite’s hand. Pryor was looking for it but didn’t realize Twin Opposite quickly picked it up. Pryor asked where it was and Twin Opposite pointed at him saying, It’s right t here.

Pryor said, Where?

Twin Opposite pointed at him again and said, Right there…you don’t see it?

Pryor said, NO…where?

Twin Opposite pointed at him again and with urgency said, RIGHT THERE! Hurry up and pick it up before it starts to burn you!

Pryor said, Where?!?! Where?!?!

Knowing he had him, Twin Opposite egged him on by saying (as Pryor looked around himself), Right there…grab it…you’re starting to catch on fire!!

Pryor starting getting nervous and said, Where? as he tried to randomly dust himself off.

A couple of weeks before this Twin Opposite told me he had jokes on Pryor because when he got wasted he would grab his whole hand when trying to take the blunt. So I knew exactly what was going on as soon as it went down. I jumped in at this point and said, Pryor, it’s right there! How do you not see it? Grab it off you because it’s spreading on your clothes.

Pryor got more nervous but when Goon jumped in he absolutely lost it! He started frantically patting himself down all over his body crying like a girl begging us to get it off of him and at one point said, HELP!!… I’m on fire! I’m on fire!

We kept it going for as long as we could hold in our laughter and once we started we couldn’t stop. When we finally began to calm down, Goon, with his strong Iranian accent, said, Gosh… you are dumb! We all busted out laughing again.

Pryor went to the bathroom as we resumed smoking. Almost fifteen minutes later we noticed he had been in there for a while. He came out a few minutes later and Twin Opposite laughed at him, sarcastically asking if he threw up. Pryor was adamant that he hadn’t, but we didn’t believe him. At the exact same moment Pryor swore he wasn’t throwing up, Twin Opposite passed him the blunt. Pryor said, "Ay… go ahead with that⁹." We all busted out laughing again and for months later whenever we remembered the story. After this I started calling him Richard Pryor because he thought he set himself on fire.

I CAN’T FUCK A DRUNK SLUT ON HER BIRTHDAY???

T here was a girl I randomly hooked up with (Ashly) that caught me at a bad moment. I was winding down from the first time I ever tripped on mushrooms. I’m sure this had a lot to do with why I was so bad, but at the same time I’m not making excuses. My poor performance always tormented me and I pressed for a chance at redemption. We got back in contact many months later and I worked hard on getting her to come over again but she always gave me excuses why she couldn’t hang.

She came to Morgantown to celebrate her birthday but I wasn’t confident about us meeting up because she came with friends and was meeting some guys in a hotel. Of course, being a guy I held out hope, albeit faint, so I put in some effort to get her to come see me.

The Fab 5 was chilling at Tec, Rumble, and Raid’s house, which was a half a block away from my place. My roommate, Steelz, said he had to run to our crib real quick. When he came back something told me to ask if there were any messages for me. She had left three, and Steelz said she sounded more and more drunk after each one. I thought, This is great! I went home and called her at the hotel but she was giving me the run around about coming over, like she always did.

She called me back a little while later to tell me she might come over. It didn’t sound promising because I was used to the games she always played with me (not that it stopped me from trying) and I heard a bunch of guys in the background.

Now I’m sitting in my living room by myself wondering what I should do. Should I just go, Forget it, the chances of her coming by don’t seem good so I’m going back to my boys’ crib to hang and have fun. Like I said, she had a track record of lies and games anyway so why should I sit at home bored for no other reason than hoping for the slight chance she might come over?

Of course I chose the latter and sat by myself waiting for her to call. About an hour later she called me with a sad voice saying one of the guys in the hotel room hit her. I ran with this, acting like I cared, telling her to get out of there ASAP and come over¹⁰. About an hour later she came with her friend Tara and by this time my friend Dawg was over as well. We chilled for a little while, and then after I finished my 40 I invited her to my room. We go into my room and she is not trying to let me hook up at all! She turned down all my advances, even my attempts to kiss her. It was so embarrassing to think I couldn’t fuck a drunk girl on her birthday, one with a rep for being loose at that.

This story occurred during my years as a student at WVU. It’s like I always tell people when they are amazed at the stories I tell them about trying to hook up, "This is nothing compared to when I was in college the first time. The difference is, regardless of how crazy and unbelievable the stories are now, at least I still have a good chance of hooking up. Back then my chances were close to none so it made the craziness I’d encounter sad and pathetic."

After about twenty minutes I finally start making moves but things still weren’t looking promising. I had her on my bed and we were kissing but she was making it hard for things to progress. Eventually I was able to proceed but things weren’t going smoothly because she was still telling me to stop and pushing me away but it wasn’t as intense and I could tell her resistance was wearing down. I got her down to her panties and my pants were off.

As soon as I was about to take care of business I hear Dawg say, Yo Chak…Chak…

I tried to ignore him hoping he’d get the hint. Then I hear a knock on my door, Chak…you need to come out here!

I said, "CHILL!!… I’ll talk to you later!"

He said Yo…this girl is out here throwing up!

Come again?? Talk about a buzz kill… I went limp in two seconds flat! I put on my clothes and went into the living room. Not only were there puddles of vomit everywhere but Tara was screaming out of control.

Both Ashly and Tara were single mothers. In order to spend the night in Morgantown they had to find baby sitters, and now all of a sudden Tara was having doubts about the safety of her kid. For some reason she thought she would never see her child again because that’s all she screamed. Along with I want my baby and Where’s my baby? she was throwing up in between rants.

She even had the nerve to curse Dawg out. He was trying to help calm the situation down because she was so out of control and I was quickly losing my patience. They went to some Middle Eastern restaurant for Ashly’s birthday so you can imagine how bad Tara’s vomit smelled. There were beans, meat, and a variety of spices all over the carpet¹¹. When she finally made it to the toilet she left a huge log of beef floating in it. EWWWWW! The log was so big to this day I don’t know how she was able to get it out of her mouth.

What made everything really messed up was the fact that Ashly left her. Can you believe that? She brought a stranger to my house that not only threw