A Vacation Gathering

By Stanley Kuren

Chucky and his zany friends have known each other forever, but they dont get together as much as they would like. Life got in the way. It happens.

So to correct this grievous injustice, he inspires the gang to get together for a festive group vacation. The antics of this reunion will fuel legendary reminiscences for decades to come. It will be an epic adventure. But even this group could never have predicted just how weird that gathering would be

They come face to face with the spirits of our founding fathers, a rather unconventional genie in a bottle, a group of misplaced Egyptian goddesses, a matriarch who is known only as Big Mama and a persnickety little imp who goes by the name of Harrold. Together, the friends will explore the explained, survive the unexplained, and wonder at the never-could-happens of their weird vacation.

So sit back and enjoy the ride to a place where the troubles are few, the laughter is plentiful, and the joy comes from living in harmony with others who are delightfully different.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Aug 29, 2014
• ISBN: 9781491743096

Stanley Kuren

Dr. Stanley Kuren’s work has been in the sciences, but his heart has been in the arts and literature. The product of four universities, he has studied the sciences, art, theater, and literature. In A Vacation Gathering, he explores his polymathic nature through his love for writing.

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Copyright © 2014 Stanley Kuren.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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ISBN: 978-1-4917-4308-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4917-4309-6 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2014915239

iUniverse rev. date: 08/26/14

Contents

Dedication

Introduction

Book One

Day 0-Preparation

Day 1-Departure And Arrival

Day 2-Aunt Kiss.

Day 3-Talk, Drive, And Grab The Dickey

Day 4-The Gathering Begins

Day 5-A Meeting With Bubba

Day 6-Senior Citizen Olympics

Day 7- Golf And Shopping

Day 8-The Bon Fire

Book Two

Twenty Years Later.

Day 1-Arrival And Departure

Day 2-Back On The Road

Day 3-Hunting

Day 4-Find Dickey, Build A Fire

Day 5-Just Havin’ Fun

Day 6-Marvin’s Day And Other Surprises

Day 7-Wedding Bells-Until Next Time

Book Three

The Last Blast

Day 1-The Invaders

Day 2-The Softball Game

Day 3-Scavenger Hunt

Day 4-Big Mama’s Surprise

Day 5-The Amazons

Day 6-The Magic Egg Hunt

Day 7-New Beginnings

Dedication

This story is dedicated to everyone who helped in creating it and all the combined effort that was put into it. I’d also like to dedicate this to all who take pleasure in reading.

ENJOY!

Introduction

This is a story about people who know each other forever but because lives get busy, they are not with each other as much as they once were. It happens.

They decide to all get together again and meet on a Vacation Gathering. Years later they will get together and sit around a campfire or a fireplace and reminisce about their adventure. And what an adventure it turns out to be.

So sit back and enjoy the antics of Chucky and his zany friends, where you will explore the explained, the unexplained and the never- could- happen.

Just kick back and enjoy the ride!

A VACATION GATHERING

Book One

Day 0-Preparation

Ivy Rose! Start packing, we’re going on vacation, said Chucky.

We’re not leaving for another day, Chuck. Don’t get so excited, she answered.

"Quit calling me Chuck. You know that I prefer Chucky.

"Everyone calls you Chucky. I thought I’d be different for a change. I could call you by your real first name…Clyde. Clyde Elmer Charles, your mum really did hate you.

That was my father’s name also, said Chucky. It’s tradition, my lovely flower.

Don’t think that the sweet talk is going to get you out of packing, Chucky. I guess we better get started. We have a lot to do. The faster we get done, the sooner we can start relaxing on the beach.

I wouldn’t think of anything else, dear. My thoughts are of warm beaches, moon lit walks and being with people that we’ve known for years. We’ve planned this trip so well, what could possibly go wrong! said Chucky. And to make sure we have everything organized, let’s go over the list again.

We’ve been over this list about ten times already, complained Ivy.

Well then one more time will be easy, said Chucky. First there’s your Mom and Dad.

My dad’s been dead for two years, snapped Ivy.

Yeah but he’ll be there in spirit. At least we won’t have to buy him a plane ticket, said Chucky. How about your Mom?

"She said she’d rather sit and watch her concrete grow than to go on vacation with us and the other nit-wits.

Can’t blame her for that, said Chucky. What about your sister, is she coming along?

No she’s still working on her thesis, plus she always seems to have other plans these days, said Ivy.

Well, there’s my buddy, the old high school coach. I can always count on Coach Tank. He’ll never change. Even though he’s semi-retired and has a bigger belly, he still wears a gray tee shirt and a whistle around his neck. He’s still always looking for that one great player. I guess once a coach, always a coach.

And of course don’t forget his wife, Rusty, said Ivy.

"Yeah, right, I don’t think they ever go anywhere without each other. I don’t know if it was her long red hair or her street-wise Brooklyn accent, but when they met it was like magic.

Don’t forget, Rocco and Celeste are going, too.

It’ll be nice to see old Rocco again. He has to have the hairiest chest and back that I’ve ever seen. I hope he can get away from his latest cement job. He’s always busy," said Chucky.

Don’t worry, they’ll be there.

What about your brother, Butch and his girlfriend Bambi? asked Chucky.

Well Butch called and said that he’ll be coming alone. I guess he and Bambi had words and aren’t getting along real well right now.

I expect that they could use some well needed time apart in order to reflect on what they have together, Chucky said philosophically. Besides, Butch can be The Dickey’s date.

OH NO! Not on your life! cried Ivy. I’m going on vacation not to play bail bondsman to that derelict.

Oh come now, how can we have a vacation without the Dickey? asked Chucky with amusement.

Real easy, Ivy shot back.

Well it’s too late because I’ve already invited him. It will be a whole new experience for him. He’s never been out of his home town.

Then you babysit him, he’s your responsibility. Now you’ll really get to put to work that Doctorate in Human Relations that you posess. And by the way, how’s he going to get there? I doubt that he has the money for the plane ticket, said Ivy.

Maybe we could stuff him into one of those pet crates and he can fly with the luggage, laughed Chucky. That would give him two hours to bark at the other dogs and lick himself. Then we can pick him up at the baggage terminal when we get there. I’ll tell him to bring flea spray and his own pooper scooper."

If only that would work, Ivy sighed. Anyway, the first person I want to see when we get there is my old college roommate, Chastity.

Good by me, said Chucky. I always liked Charity.

That’s pronounced CHAST-ity, you moron, Ivy corrected.

I know, dear, but all everyone called her Charity because she has such a good heart, said Chucky. Although the engineering students did call her Eiffel Tower, because boy was she built.

Yes unfortunately that’s true, said Ivy. You have to give her credit, because she has a great level of intellegence. I tried to teach her how to have some fun while at college, but I never quite got through to her. I thought the vacation would do her good, but you can’t beat a dead horse. You never know, she may show up. We’ll be able to stop and see my Aunt Kiss, too. She lives pretty close to Chastity. Maybe we can take them both out to dinner.

Okay, now that we’ve gone over the list of people that we’re meeting, let’s go over the arrangements for the kids, said Chucky.

Kids? They’re dogs, beagles, four legs and tails, remember?" said Ivy.

"I realize that, said Chucky. But they’re my girls, my babies. They’re part of the family. Now let’s make sure we have everything just right. Did you make the kennel reservations?"

Yes, Chucky.

Did they get the room closest to the fire hydrant?

Yes, Chucky.

Did you pack their blankies, pillows, gourmet doggie treats and favorite chew toys?

Yes, Chucky.

How about the Lassie DVDs and the singing puppy tapes?

That’s where I draw the line, said Ivy. They’re going to the kennel, not Club Med.

I must insist that you at least pack their specially framed, oil-based painting of the bunny rabbit, Chucky demanded.

"Oh good heavens, I would never forget anything so vital to their existence," Ivy said sarcastically. I’ll be glad to send that off to the kennel. At least I won’t have to wake up staring at it on the ceiling for the next week.

But I put it up there as a good luck charm, Chucky explained. I was told that it was a pooka ad to put it in a place where it could look down on us and keep us safe. Thus the bedroom ceiling.

Where did you find that stupid thing anyway? asked Ivy. You don’t just walk down the street and find a painting of an eight foot rabbit.

Actually that’s exactly what happened, said Chucky. I was walking home from the office after a difficult day and there was a rather short man standing on the corner with the painting. I didn’t want to tell anyone because I thought they would think I was loopy.

"Oh pray tell, who would ever think that?" giggled Ivy.

Very funny…as I was saying, I began to admire the painting and I could have sworn that the rabbit winked at me. So I asked the man if I could purchase that lovely work of art. He told me that I needed to take a closer look at it before I bought it, which I did. When I turned to pay the man, he had vanished into thin air. He left a note pinned to the painting that told me that the rabbit, or pooka, would be my friend and protector and would accompany me on three magical mystical journeys in three of my life’s generations. At that moment I felt very strongly about possessing that picture. As I carried it home, I believe the rabbit actually spoke to me and told me to go on this vacation. He said that something memorable is going to happen.

Yes dear, whatever you say, Ivy placated. "I do believe that you really do need this vacation."

So after a few hours, they were packed and ready to head for the kennel to drop off the dogs. Soon after they would head to the Airport Holiday Inn where they would stay till their flight left the next morning.

Day 1-Departure And Arrival

Ivy, wake up! This is the day, it’s time! We have an early departure time. We have to get to Florida and get everything organized so we’re ready when everyone else arrives. I hope we have everything that we need, said Chucky.

We don’t have to get up for two more hours yet, said Ivy. Go back to sleep.

I can’t, cried Chucky. I forgot something very important! I may need to go back home and get it. It’s crucial for my happiness!"

What are you babbling about? What did you forget that’s so important? asked Ivy.

Pinky, my plastic flamingo that I like to put in front of our motel room door when we go on a trip. He helps me to remember which room is ours, said Chucky.

Did you ever try looking at the numbers on the door to see if they match the ones on the key? That’s a little less embarrassing than a pink plastic flamingo out front, said ivy. "Besides, you’re not going home to get it. You’ll miss the flight."

Okay, I think I’ll go for a walk for a little while. Do you want to come along? asked Chucky.

No, I think I’ll stay here and guard the bed and the pillows. Go ahead and have fun.

But it’s a nice day for a walk, said Chucky. The sky is blue and the sun is shining. The weather is beautiful!

It’s snowing like crazy outside and the temperature is below freezing. I think I’ll stay in where it’s warm, said Ivy.

Oh come on sleepy head, let’s go count snowflakes then and pretend that they’re stars falling from the sky, Chucky urged.

You’re going to see stars real quickly if you don’t get out of here and let me alone, warned Ivy.

Alright, go back to sleep. I’ll be back shortly.

Thanks for the warning, Ivy mumbled.

Two hours later…

Ivy, I’m back. I walked exactly two hours. I wish you could have been out there with me. The snow was falling, the wind was blowing and the temperature really was freezing. So I started counting the snowflakes. Then I realized that unlike stars, snowflakes didn’t have names, so I tried to name each flake before it touched the ground.

"Speaking of flakes, I think you need your medication adjusted," laughed Ivy.

But I don’t take any medication, said Chucky in a confused tone.

Then maybe you better start! I’m just about ready. Don’t you think you should get ready to go too? asked Ivy.

"I am ready," Chucky replied.

How can you be ready? You haven’t showered or even put on any deodorant and I have to sit next to you on the plane.

I am a male of the species and I am required to smell virile.

Virile isn’t exactly the word for it, said Ivy. It’s more like essence of sewer. Let’s go!

Why is it that we always seem to get the room farthest from the shuttle pick up? asked Chucky. We always end up dragging our luggage a country mile through the motel before we leave.

You made the reservations, dear. Maybe someday you’ll remember to ask for a closer room. It would make things easier, said Ivy. Grab the bags.

But my dear, in case you haven’t noticed I’m carrying my golf clubs and I need both hands. So if you would be so kind, please lug the rest of the bags and that book you’re reading to the shuttle bus, said Chucky.

I’m just taking the book so I can ignore you on the plane.

"You won’t be able to ignore me, I’m too aromatic. Besides, I don’t talk much on planes anyway. I prefer to look out the window at the pretty clouds. I’ll order a whiskey sour and kick back, relax and think about all of the golf I’ll be playing.

This ought to be good, said Ivy. You haven’t hit a golf ball in months. Perhaps sitting and thinking about playing would be safer for everyone involved.

You just watch my smoke, bragged Chucky. Those are not just golf clubs, but my arsenal. They will be like nuclear missiles in my hands. I will attack those links with a vengeance!

The last time all you guys attacked a golf course, all you did was drink beer, eat hot dogs and lose a dozen or so balls. You even fell asleep under a tree for a couple of hours.

That, my dear wife, is called a golf outing, Chucky explained. I wasn’t using my tournament level of play that day and decided to let the young chaps in the foursome ahead of us take home the prizes. I let them win to boost their egos.

"The only boosting you did was when they boosted you up from under that tree. And the reason that it’s called an outing is that, after ten beers, you guys think every tree is an outhouse."

It’s a male bonding thing! said Chucky.

There’s the shuttle, said Ivy. Tip the driver two bucks and he’ll load the luggage for us.

Sure thing! Can I borrow two dollars? asked Chucky.

You’re pathetic, Ivy said as she handed him a wad of bills.

So they finally got all of their belongings loaded into the shuttle and went on their way. It wasn’t a very long drive but Ivy began to doze off into dreamland for a little while.

Wake up, Ivy. We’re at the airport, said Chucky. Isn’t this magnificent! Did you know that I used to love going to the airport when I was a lad just to watch the planes. I used to dream of all the exotic places they were bound for. I wonder if there are any young boys out there watching the planes and dreaming?

Well if there are, they’re probably wondering why we’re staring at the planes and not getting our luggage checked so we can get on the plane. Now let’s get these checked in because we need to go through security next.

So what do I have to do? asked Chucky.

Look like a tourist going on vacation, replied Ivy.

How do I do that?

Just look like you always look…confused.

I’ll just act natural and I’ll pass right through, said Chucky.

You’ll do fine, said Ivy.

So they passed through security without any problems and headed toward the gate. And as always, before Chucky could do anything else, he needed to search for the lavatory.

Ah yes, once again nature calls. I must go forth and seek out the facilities before boarding the plane. You know how small those airplane bathrooms are and I think that I’m going to need a large space with ample ventilation .

Swell! Ivy grimaced.

Oh what luck, I think that I see what for I am searching right in front of me, said Chucky. It’s the door with my name on it. It reads Executive Office and it’s unlocked. That was so easy that it must have been meant to be.

Chucky, you can’t go in there! cried Ivy.

Why not, it doesn’t appear to be in use. Besides it probably contains a great bathroom. I’ll be right back.

Chucky, don’t go in….

Too late, I’m already there, said Chucky.

Look at the inside of this place! he thought to himself. This desk is the size of my car. Gotta find the bathroom, it’s getting crucial. Ah-ha! There it is, a gold plated door knob and everything. This is first class! Wait a minute, the door seems stuck. It won’t open. It looks like it has some kind of double secret lock on it. I guess they don’t want any old Tom, Dick, or Harry to go where no regular man has gone before. I just hope I can get this open or someone will be trekking in here to clean up my kling-ons. Hah! I got it. Well looky at this. There are mirrors everywhere. I guess these executive types are a little vain. I wonder if these are the magnifying-type mirrors? At least there’s none on the ceiling. I don’t think I could handle that. There’s the toilet and it has one of those fancy schmancy Old Faithful Geyser hickies. I think the French call them bidets or bidoots or something. Anyway it really doesn’t matter at this point. I tried using one of those one time and missed. I ended up with a wet shirt that I didn’t really want to explain. Why anyone would want an enema after doing number two, I’ll never understand. Now there’s a real toilet over there. No extra gadgetry to get in the way. I’ll just make myself comfortable and let ‘er rip.

Excuse me, ma’am.

Hello officer, said Ivy.

I need to check the Executive Office door to make sure it’s locked and you’re standing in the way, said the guard.

Oh I’m sorry, sir.

"No problem, ma’am. Everyone does it.

Go ahead and check it, but it’s not locked, said Ivy.

How do you know, ma’am?

Because someone just went in there, that’s why I’m standing here. I’m sort of guarding it for him.

Then he must be a V.S.E., said the guard. They’re the only ones that have the secret code to get in there when there’s no security personnel to assist them. Did he have a guard with him, ma’am?

No sir, he’s flying solo, laughed Ivy.

Do you think he requires help doing whatever he’s doing? asked the guard.

"I think he can probably handle the situation on his own, but he might need an Indian guide to find his way out. Although he does lose track of time when he’s doing his thing, so maybe we better go in there and work him over, I mean help him find his way out. We have a plane to catch very soon," said Ivy.

That’s very understandable for an executive in his position with a lot of build up pressure inside, the guard reasoned.

Well put, let’s go, said Ivy.

Get a load of the inside of this place, ma’am! I always like coming in here and sleeping on the big desk and trying to dream about what kind of big executive stuff goes on at that desk," said the guard.

If it’s anything like Chucky’s desk at home, it’s probably pizza, said Ivy.

Who’s Chucky? asked the guard.

That’s the big executive in here for whom we are looking, answered Ivy.

And you refer to him as Chucky?

Yes, among other things. By the way, you don’t have to call me ma’am. Just Ivy will do.

Okay, Just Ivy, you can call me Officer Bill. I hear the executives call each other by name all the time in here.

"I’m sure they call each other all kind of names," laughed Ivy.

"Does Executive Chucky call you Ivy or Just Ivy?

Oh he usually calls me dear, especially when he wants something done. Now let’s go find him so we don’t miss the plane.

Follow me, said Office Bill. The Executive Defecatory is over here.

The what? asked Ivy.

That’s what the suits call the loo. It sounds more important and professional, said Officer Bill.

Let’s go knock on the door and get him out of there, said Ivy.

Uh-oh, someone locked the door from the inside, said Officer Bill.

How can you tell? asked Ivy.

Because these are those fancy computerized locks and I think that your Chucky just locked himself inside the sound-proof chamber.

Oh great, said Ivy. How do we get him out of there?

Well first we need to go to the surveillance room so we can see what he’s doing, said Officer Bill.

"You mean you monitor the crapper?"

Please, Just Ivy, it’s the Executive Defecatory.

"Whatever…so there’s a camera in there?

Yes, we refer to it as the pooper snooper.

I can’t believe there’s so many cameras in here, said an astonished Ivy.

Well it’s our job as security officers to get the scoop on the poop, as we like to say,

That’s a little more information that I’d like to have, there Bill. Now just zoom in on Chucky.

Okay, here we go, said Officer Bill. There he is crouched on our hybrid prototype defecator. She’s a real beauty.

Give me the details later, Bill. Right now we need to get him out of there.

That shouldn’t be a problem, Just Ivy. All we have to do is wait for him to finish up and he’ll unlock the door by himself. We just need to wait it out.

We don’t have time to wait it out, said Ivy in a panic. Is there an intercom I can use to talk to him and get him to hurry?

No there isn’t. There is to be no talking or any type of interruption during the executive’s private moment, Officer Bill said with authority."

Then can we pipe in music? asked Ivy

Yes, Just Ivy, we can pipe in music, videos, climate control or pretty much anything you want. This place has everything.

Great, I’ll get him off his perch, said Ivy. First some music. Slim Whitman’s Indian Love Call repeatedly in surround sound ought to get his attention. Next, the National Geographic video of African tribal women doing topless ritual dances should help, too.

I’ve got a perfect one for that, said Office Bill. It’s really loud. It’s a video about a group of male pygmy warriors dancing and beating on their drums with elephant bones. We security guards come in here and watch it all the time. It gets your toes tapping.

You’re such a party animal, Bill. It’s worth a try.

See how cool this is, Just Ivy? Everything’s in three-D and surround cinema. The sounds of the drums are synchronized with Slim’s voice.

Nice Bill, but he’s only moving a little. Can you throw in some charging animals or something?

No problem, I’ll just scoot some in between the dancers. What species would you like?

Oh I don’t know, rhinos, water buffaloes, wildebeests, stampeding elephants, anything along that line, said Ivy.

I got one here about a pack of mean, charging panda bears, Officer Bill suggested.

Mean, charging panda bears? This I got to see, Ivy said skeptically. Hey what do you know, it got him to move a little. We still need more prompting.

Anything you want, Just Ivy. How about some climate control?

Yeah, hot and humid like the jungle, said Ivy.

Instant sweat coming up, said Officer Bill.

Now smell, throw in some kind of putrid odor.

"At your service, Just Ivy. I’ll just pull this lever and viola!…the emergency flatulence fogger takes over.

Give him a real good dose, Bill! chuckled Ivy.

Now, you said he is sitting on a prototype defecator?

Yes, it’s a turbo jet propulsion bidet.

What can it do? asked Ivy.

It can go from a gentle, massaging, pulsating, squirting action all the way up to a jet rocket blast off, although, it hasn’t been tried yet.

Well, Officer Bill, no time like the present. Ready for blast off?

Ready, said Bill. All systems go?

I guess so.

On your mark : five, four, three, two, one….FLUSH!

It worked, Bill, he popped right off the commode. He went straight up and came straight down in a one point landing right on his head. I don’t know about you but I’m outta here.

I’m with you, Just Ivy. I’ll go hold your plane for you. Which one is it?

The one that Chucky and I aren’t on yet. Ok, that’ll make it easier.

Hi, Ivy.

Hi, Chucky. Have you been waiting long? Chucky asked.

Just a little while. Any problems?

None at all, Ivy. Actually I didn’t want to leave. It was rather enjoyable. Some of the experiences reminded me of home and some brought back memories. It’s amazing how techno this executive bathroom is. There I was positioned on this custom made commode when this singing started. That reminded me of you calling to me when you were taking a shower and the hot water heater broke. Remember?

Don’t remind me, said Ivy.

Then this movie came on. It must have been a musical. There were a bunch of dancing girls that reminded me of that night back in college when you and your sorority sisters got tipsy and danced around topless with your gazongas bouncing up and down and singing that weird fight song. This one had a good beat. I really got into it.

I think I’ve heard enough, said Ivy.

It gets better. Then came that good old morning putrefying bathroom odor you leave hang in the air that kills every living organism, said Chucky."

"I think that would be your stench," retorted Ivy.

Then I am proud, my dear. It eliminates the need for an exterminator, but it peels the paint. Then the best part comes. I began to get all hot and sweaty, just like I used to when I was younger.

Are you just about finished with the graphics? asked Ivy.

"Yeah, except for the part where I shot off the commode and landed on my head. When I came to, my shirt was wet. I made it to the door, unlocked myself and here I am. On our way back from the trip, you gotta go in there and try that. It’s great!

Yeah that’ll really be something to look forward to, she said. No we’ve got to hurry and get to the plane. I hope we’re not too late!

Don’t worry, the airport personnel won’t let the plane leave without us. When we get to the terminal just give them our tickets and off we go.

Tickets, Chucky?

Ivy, you did bring the tickets, didn’t you?

Chucky, you were supposed to bring the tickets.

No, Ivy YOU were supposed to bring the tickets!"

Chucky, you had them last.

Did not.

Did too.

Did not.

Ivy, you never trust me with tickets.

Chucky, you were the one who wanted to be so organized for this vacation. For months I have heard nothing but who is going to go with us on this excursion. I’ve even seen you clutching the tickets when we were putting the dogs in the kennel as you were stuffing your flight carry on with dog biscuits.

"Well, I just wanted something to munch on when I was on the plane. They’re better than the stale pretzels they give you to eat.

Chucky, open your bag.

Why, you hungry already?

Just open it!

Ok, but I hope we don’t get mobbed by hungry travelers. See, there’s nothing in here but dog biscuits and an envelope.

Chucky, hand me the envelope, please.

Oh, this vacation is fun already. I feel like I’m on a TV game show or at a beauty pageant or one of those actor awards shows, he said.

Never mind that, see what’s in the envelope, snapped Ivy.

I can’t, I’m too nervous. I need to come up with a speech, someone to thank.

How about thanking me, our tickets are right here.

"Oh, now I remember. I wanted to be so organized that I wanted the snacks and the plane tickets all in one place so they wouldn’t get lost.

Good thinking, Chucky. Just give the tickets to the person at the counter and let’s get going. People are already waiting for us.

Don’t worry, Ivy, they won’t mind. There, we’re all checked in. Now calmly and slowly let’s walk down the tunnel and get on the plane. I’m sure the people on board will be happy to see us, said Chucky. "Here it is, the door to the plane. The door to the world, the door to …

Just get in.

Ivy, how come all of the passengers quit talking all of a sudden? They’re just staring daggers at us. Plus, this plane has a lot of children wearing mouse ears. Are you sure we’re on the right plane?

This is the right plane. Let’s just get in our seats so the plane can take off. This will be good I can use some nice, quiet rest."

All of a sudden, a song breaks out. M-I-C….K-E-Y….M-O-U-S-E. MICKEY MOUSE, MICKEY MOUSE….

Ivy, the children are all singing! What the?..Stewardess, all of the children are singing at the top of their lungs.

Yes, isn’t that cute? We had to wait so long for you, that in order to keep them amused, we let them sing their favorite song. I wouldn’t be surprised if they sing it all the way to Florida. I hope you enjoy it.

Ivy, this juvenile delinquent sitting behind me keeps kicking the back of my seat.

Just ignore it, said Ivy.

I can’t. By the time we get to Florida my kidneys are going to be mush. I’m going to say something to his mother.

Be nice!

Excuse me, Ma’am, do happen to be the mother of this lovely little child?" asked

Chucky.

Oh yes, isn’t he precious! stated mom.

Well, Precious is kicking the back of my seat!

How adorable. Not only does he like to sing, he likes to dance too. He’s so full of energy that I wouldn’t be surprised if does that the entire flight, mom said proudly.

Ivy, when the stewardess comes, I’m ordering two drinks. I don’t want a drink now. I wasn’t ordering for you, Ivy.

It’s such a catchy tune, Chucky. I think I’ll join in. M-I-C…K-E-Y…

After two hours sitting on this plane listening to that mouse song, the first thing I’m going to do when we land is get a mouse hunting license and the biggest mouse trap I can find, griped Chucky. Oh, not really. I’m just going to forget about this flight from hell and enjoy our vacation. The first thing I need to do is to find our luggage which I’m sure is waiting for us all nice and neatly packed just like we left it. On second thought, we’re about to land and I need to attend to something first."

Gotta poop?

You know it.

Chucky, you are so predictable. I, on the other hand, am calm and…AAHHHG!

Ivy, you can stop screaming. We’ve landed.

We did? That was too easy. I didn’t even notice.

That’s because you were too busy screaming. You even scared the little brats out of their mouse ears.

Yeah, they can take those mouse ears and shove them up…

Ivy, be nice. Remember we’re on vacation.

I know, I know, but I have been practicing the crash position for months. Thankfully, we landed and there were no problems, sighed Ivy. Let’s go get our stuff and get on with it."

Ivy, how come when you get off the plane and need to go to the bathroom, it seems so far away?

I think the engineers design these things just to torment you, Ivy said sarcastically.

Ivy, there it is! I can see it. My pot of porcelain at the end of my rainbow!

Chucky, I think you’re getting a little overly melodramatic. It’s just a restroom.

Maybe it’s just a restroom to you, but to me it’s sanctuary and relief.

Well, I hope you enjoy yourself because the guy who just went in was eating pickled eggs with kielbassa and sauer kraut, Ivy taunted.

Ivy, have no fear! I will persevere!

Better you than me. It sounds like a tuba just went off in there.

I shall return.

Thanks for the warning, and don’t get lost in there this time.

Ivy, I’m back.

About time, I thought you fell in.

It was great in there, said Chucky. It was like a whole orchestra playing. There was the tuba guy and a guy who sounded like a French horn. We even had a guy who sounded like a clarinet. He would’ve made Benny Goodman proud. The stalls are alive with the sound of music! sang Chucky.

Gee, I’m so happy for you Chucky, but that was a little more info than I needed to know. Now, can we go get our luggage sometime today? By the way, I hope there’s not going to be any more stupid parodies through this whole week, said Ivy.

Do you take issue with my singing, asked Chucky.

Well whatever you call it, stop doing it. You sound like a wounded rhino.

I promise I’ll quit if you lug our carry on bags, said Chucky.

Why do I have to carry them?

Because I have the binoculars.

What binoculars, asked Ivy.

The ones I brought so I could read the monitors that tell us where to go. They’re always so far away, said Chucky.

I can tell you where to go without binoculars.

Do you want me to start to sing again? Chucky threatened.

In that case, I’ll carry the bags.

I thought you’d see it my way.

Speaking of seeing, those monitors are a long way away. It’s a good thing I brought these binoculars.

Chucky, that’s because you’re looking through them backwards.

I knew that. I was just testing to see how observant you. Someone can never be too observant when going looking for one’s luggage in an airport. Now from what I can determine, we have to go to the far end of the terminal and turn either right or left. Follow me and don’t drag the bags. I don’t want the dog biscuits to get broken, said Chucky.

Anything, just so we can get our luggage and the rental car, said Ivy."

Follow me, Ivy. I’ve got the binoculars.

Chucky, this turning in to an adventure.

That’s what vacations are all about, my dear, adventures.

What they should be about right now is getting the luggage and the car so we can go to the room and relax before picking up The Dickey, said Ivy

Don’t worry, Ivy, I’ve got everything under control.

Swell, Ivy squeaked in a tight voice.

Now when we get to the end of the terminal, we make a right, said Chucky.

Why?

Good old fashion male intuition. So hurry and keep up with me. And don’t drag those bags on the floor. We’re getting to the end of the terminal to where we turn left, said Chucky.

I thought you said we were to turn right, said Ivy.

I changed my mind. Besides, look at the end of this hallway. There’s a large door. Maybe that’s where we pick up the luggage. I’m just so excited. When I open the door, I’m going to close my eyes and you look in. Here goes. Ivy, you’re not saying anything. What’s on the other side?

A garbage dumpster, said Ivy.

Maybe that’s where they put them.

Then why don’t you go look, Chucky.

Okey dokey.

Chucky, get back here, I wasn’t serious. I have a suggestion. Why don’t we go in the direction of that sign over there that says Luggage Pick-up?

But that would lead us back to where we started, said Chucky. If they actually had our luggage close to where we got off the plane, they would have to be more organized than me."

That would be a shocker. Let’s go.

Follow my lead. I’ve got the binoculars. Let’s just get our luggage. Don’t worry, I have the situation under control, said Chucky.

Comforting

Look, Ivy, there’s our luggage! I knew I could find it. All you have to do is stay with me and this will be a simple and relaxing holiday. Let’s get our luggage.

Chucky, I think I have already mentioned that before.

That’s good, that’s good. We’re thinking alike.

Don’t tempt me to respond to that.

But you are so tempting, he joked. "Oh look, here’s our bags just waiting to be claimed. They’re all here except…except…except…

Except WHAT?

My golf clubs!

Good!

What do you mean, good! My clubs and my fishing rods were in my golf bag. My whole vacation revolves around them!

How about all of the people we’re going to meet?"

They’re ok, but they’re not my golf clubs! I was hoping when we all eventually got together, us guys could go and have a simple, relaxing day out golfing and we could leave you girls to have a simple, relaxing day of whatever you girls do.

Good plan, Chucky, but a bad start. Why don’t you just ask that airport luggage terminal type person where your golf clubs might be?

My thoughts exactly.

Yeah, right. Just ask. Our rental car is calling to me.

What’s it calling you?

Never mind. Just go ask.

Ok, said Chucky.

Look, look Ivy! There’s my golf clubs! There’s our luggage!

Now that you got your precious golf clubs, let’s get the car! said Ivy.

Don’t worry, I’ve got the whole car rental situation under control. Therefore, everything should run smoothly from here on out.

That’s what I’m afraid of, mumbled Ivy. Look there’s the sign for the rental cars.

They must really do a good business. Look at all of the people standing in line. They fill the entire car rental room and are standing in those roped off serpentining lines. Then they are backed up through those doors and are lined up all the way back into the hall. Hurry up, Ivy. Get in line. This could be good. Maybe they’re having a discount on car rentals.

I’ll stand in line but why don’t you go ask that airport person over there by the restroom why this line is so long.

No problem, just don’t put those bags down. I wouldn’t want to see you have to bend over and pick them up again.

You’re such a gentleman.

"I know and I’ll go ask even though he is a mean looking man with a nose that looks like it has been broken a few times but for you, I’ll go ask.

Excuse me, sir. Do you know why these lines are so long?

Ahh, do I know! You canna bet your last bottle of vino I know!

Well, what is it?

There’s-a no rental cars.

What? There has to be rental cars. This is a big airport. I have reservations. How can there be no rental cars?"

It’sa da computer. It’s as we say swimmin’ wit da fishes now."

Oh great! So what are me and my Ivy, who is standing in line over there, to do?

"Well, you canna continue standin’ in line, but I don’t know how longa you gonna be dere. Without da computer workin’, no rental cars canna be rented.

"Doesn’t the airport have a computer fix-it-up service? asked Chucky.

Of course-a, but they can’ta be reached right now. They musta be very busy.

"Busy? What could be more important than this?

You woulda be surprised. Da computer service is a nice small family business that started not long ago. They got a good business goin’ here, but it seems whena da rental company gets-a busy, da computer she shutsa down and it’s hard to keep up. So that’s why I’ma here. The family sent me to do damage control and help outta da people waitin’ for a car.

So you know this family? asked Chucky.

For many years. I have found that if you are a frienda to them, they will be a frienda to you, said the man.

Well, do you think if we would promise to be a friend to them, might they be our friend and help find a rental car?

Go downa to the end of that hallway, said the man.

That hallway? But it’s really, really dark down there! said Chucky warily.

I have senta many people downa that hallway and none have come back.

What’s down there?

"When you’re with the family, you don’ta ask.

Any other options?

There’sa da line.

We’ll take the hallway, said Chucky.

Ivy, I got good news and bad news, said Chucky.

Give me the bad news first, said Ivy. After standing in this line which has not even moved, I can deal with it. What could be worse?"

There’s no rental cars available, said Chucky.

Uh Chucky, may I ask you a simple question?

Sure Ivy, what is it?

If someone is on vacation, are they allowed to maim and mutilate incompetent morons?

Only if you have a permit, Chucky said as he backed away.

And what would that process entail? Ivy asked through clenched teeth.

Well, first you maim and mutilate then they give you a permit to stay in prison for life, joked Chucky.

Oh, it might be worth it, but I doubt that I could take that much time from work, said Ivy in a barely controlled voice.

So don’t you want to hear the good news?

Yeah, I could use some.

Well, that airport security person said people have been leaving the line and going to the far end of the terminal looking for another place to rent a car. I think it’s worth a try. You don’t look to happy standing there in line, said Chucky.

No kidding Sherlock, what was your first clue, said Ivy.

Let’s go get all the luggage. I’ll get my golf bag. See, Ivy this isn’t such a bad walk. I can see a light at the end of the hallway.

Chucky, I think the saying goes the light at the end of the tunnel".

Same difference.

It sure is dark enough down this corridor, hallway, tunnel, said Ivy. "Maybe that’s why there’s a light.

It’s like it’s guiding us, said Chucky.

You’d better hope that it’s guiding us to a rental car or its lights out for you, paly boy.

Ivy, be nice. Look, there’s a man standing right under the light just like he knew we were coming. Let’s go ask him what’s going on, said Chucky.

Alright, but when we get there you talk to him. I’m gonna lie down on the floor and take a nap. This looks like it’ll take a while, said Ivy.

Ok, but hold the luggage up off the ground so it doesn’t get dirty, will ya, said Chucky. Besides, it’ll be good exercise.

Good exercise! I’ll give you good exercise. I already feel like I’ve carried a ton.

Don’t worry,you’ll have all kinds of time to lie around later. Let’s get a car, said Chucky.

Hello, sir. My name is C.E. Charles, but you can call me Chucky. My wife and are trying to locate a rental car, but were informed that there are none to be had. I was told that maybe you might be able to help us out, Chucky said politely.

Ahh…Goombah! You come-a to da righta place. Me and my family have-a many rental cars, replied the man.

Great! Are there any here? asked Chucky.

"No, no, we no keepa dem here. Too many thieves. We have-a our owna place down by da river.

"That’s ok, can we walk there?" asked Ivy.

No, no itta is best ifa we have someone take-a you dere. It’s a no easy to find, said the man mysteriously. Wait one a momento till I make a call, said the man.We no have-a da extra man to come-a to get you, so I take-a you myself. But first we need to drink-a some vino. Looks like-a you could use a good belt.

Actually, that sounds great, said Chucky. It’s been a very long, very interesting day.

Ok, den. Here’s a jug-a for you, and a jug-a for me. I take-a da corks and toss them in dumpster, said the man.

But won’t we need them? asked Chucky.

Whatta for, whatta for, pisano?

Alrighty then, I get ya! Chucky said as it dawned on him.

SALUDE! they shouted in unison.

So what’s your name? Chucky asked the man.

Guido, Guido da Wheel, he replied. "Guido da Wheel!

Why are you called that? Chucky asked.

Because I am-a da driver of da family car. I take-a da family to various business meetings and whisk dem away quickly and safely to a secure location, stated Guido.

Boy, that’s great! said Chucky. Then we should get to our car safe and fast. Let’s go grab the luggage."

Wait a momento! In Old Country we drink-a da vino before we go. Da firsta bottle of vino is to warma da lips, da second to warma da tongue. Da tird is for da troat, den we start workin’ ona da belly, laughed Guido. SALUDE!

Guido, this is pretty tasty wine, but we need to get our luggage and go get the car before it gets any later. My wife’s already sleeping on the floor over there. I better wake her up and get her moving,said Chucky.

Hey Ivy, wake up, said Chucky as he shook her gently. Come on, we gotta go get the car. Guido’s going to take us to get it, so hurry and wake up.

Who’s Guido? Ivy asked sleepily as she opened her eyes. And where do we have to go to get the car?

I’ll explain later, Ivy. Right now all we have to do is put our luggage into Guido’s car and take off.

Aren’t you going to help me with this? asked Ivy.

Absolutely dear. I’ll watch and tell you exactly how to place each bag in the trunk. Just be careful with my golf bag.

And while you’re doing that, Guido and I are going to bond some more. We’re goombahs now,

Oh goody, Ivy said sarcastically.

Guido, this may take a while. Ivy’s not moving very fast. What should we do to hurry her up? asked Chucky.

Whata we do in Old Country, it’s a tradition.

What’s that?’ asked Chucky. Help her carry the luggage?"

No, no, said Guido. We getta more vino!

Guido, you’re a man after my own liver, laughed Chucky.

So Guido, while we’re waiting, why don’t you tell me a little bit about this wine. It has a unique taste.

Dat’sa because it come-a from Old Country. Ata grape harvest time, all da women in every village go outta to da fields and picka da grapes. They carry full baskets backa to da villages and putta da grapes in big wooden barrels. Den the women climma into da barrels and starta stompin’ da grapes wit bare feet. They squisha da grapes betweena deir toes to give da vino it’s owna special taste, said Guido.

Yeah, Guido, but how does that affect the taste of the wine? asked Chucky.

Ita depends on how much sweat is betweena their toes, stated Guido. Somehow, Guido, that makes sense.

What are the men doing when the women are out stomping the grapes? asked Chucky.

Dey dance around da barrels and singa work songs, while tastin’ da vino. Da music, it helpa get a good stompin’ rhythm goin’, Guido said proudly.

That’s so touching that the men help out like that. So tell me more about this wine. What kind is it?

How shoulda I know? said Guido. See all dese crates. Dey have-a no name on them.

Are they all filled with wine, asked Chucky.

Like-a da sayin’ goes…Vino, don’ta leave Old Country witout it, said Guido.

Here, Chucky, drinka some more. I’ll go get another bottle. Maybe YOU canna tell ME what kinda vino it is, Guido said as he slurred his words.

But I thought all of you guys from the Old Country knew your wines, said Chucky.

Let’sa just say we like it more dan we know about it, chuckled Guido.

Let’sa grab a crate ofa da grape and go outisde anna sit inna da shade. It’sa lookin’ a like you woman is gonna take a while gettin’ alla you stuff inna da trunk. Why she keepa takin’ it out and puttin’ it in?" asked Guido.

Well Guido, I don’t think she can figure out how to get all the bags in the trunk, so she’ll keep re-packing it until she figures it out. She’s very determined, said Chucky.

Yes, she is very determined and very pretty, but she no speaka too good. She’s over there mumbling. I wonder whata she sayin’, said Guido.

It’s times like this, Guido, that she has a language all of her own and we’re better off not knowing what she’s saying, said Chucky.

Do you tinka we shoulda help her? asked Guido.

Sure, after a couple more bottles of wino, Guido old buddy. I think she’s about to blow. Her mumbling is getting louder, said Chucky.

More vino comin’ up, said Guido.

Whata she gonna do now, Chucky? asked Guido.

Well, it’s kind of a little game she’s invented. I’ve seen her play it before. When she reaches the proper level of frustration, she throws all of the luggage out onto the pavement and uses it to play a sort of combination of soccer and football. Sort of like a Punt, Pass, and Kick contest. Watch, there she goes, laughed Chucky.

Oh, this is good. I feel like I’m inna da Old Country, said Guido.

Do your women play this game too? asked Chucky.

Yeah, sure don’ta dey all. It musta be, how you say, universal, said Guido.

I guess, so Guido. Look, she seems to be taking a time out to plan her next move. While she’s doing that, can I ask you a question, Guido?

Sure, sure Goombah, ask away.

You wouldn’t happen to know the airport crowd control guy that sent us down here, would you? asked Chucky.

Sure, sure! That’sa Franco, Franco da Fist. We’ve knowna each other since-a we were bambinos. We like brothers, said Guido.

Franco the Fist. That must be why the airport hired him so quickly for the crowd control. Must be pretty good with his knuckles, huh? asked Chucky.

Who, Franco? When Franco seesa trouble, he hides and wets his pants. Dat’s why he’sa never too far from a toilet, said Guido.

Yeah, that’s where we found him, alright, said Chucky.

Dat’sa my Franco. He prides himself in known’ where all da johns are.

Kind of a handy guy to have around in my case, eh Guido.

Speaking of handy, look at my wife over there. She keeps trying to get that luggage in the trunk, but it looks to me that she may be running out of steam. I guess we should give her a hand, said Chucky.

Why we no singa to her. A little serenade, maybe? Ita worka for da grape-a stompin’ women in de Old Country, said Guido.

It’s worth a try. I guess we need to do something to help so we can get out of here, but we need more wine first, said Chucky.

Here’sa more vino, so now we starta da songs, said Guido.

Sounds like a plan, there pisan, what’ll we sing. I don’t know any songs from the Old Country, so I’ll just hum along and follow your lead, Chucky slurred.

Ahh Goombah, dat’s a good idea! I forget all about da Olda Humma Song. It’sa very traditional. Inna da Olda Country at grape stomping time, da men, they always forgetta da words after so mucha vino. So dey end uppa humming da song anyway."

So let’s get to it, said Chucky.

Ready, a one-a and a two-a and a three-a…Hmmmm.

Look Guido, it’s working, said Chucky. Ivy’s stomping the luggage into the trunk of the car. She’s really going at it!

Ahh, she woulda made a gooda grape stomper, said Guido.

There, now all of our luggage is in the car, said Ivy. "All but your precious golf clubs.

That’s no problem, said Chucky. Guido and I have a plan.

We do? asked Guido.

Trust me on this one, Guido. whispered Chucky. "Ivy, Guido and I have been drinking some vino, so we’re going to need you to drive his car over to the rental car so we can pick up ours.

Anything, as long as we can get a car and get to the motel, Ivy said wearily.

No problem. Guido and I have this organized. Just put the gold clubs in the passenger seat up front and Guido and I will ride in the back and give you directions, said Chucky.

Oh, great. This should be good, said Ivy.

Alright, Guido let’s go, said Chucky.

I tinka we may have-a to wait a momento, said Guido.

Why’s that? asked Chucky.

Becauses you golfa clubs just fell over inna da car and hitta you woman inna da head! said Guido.

Oh no! I hope it didn’t hurt them, said Chucky.

Don’ta worry. Da clubs still looka fine, and you woman, she’sa still movin’, said Guido.

Great! Ivy, my golf clubs are on top of you so don’t move too quickly. I don’t want any of them to get bent, said Chucky.

Speaking of getting bent, you’re such a gentleman, said Ivy in a muffled voice.

I’m trying, said Chucky.

You’re very trying.

Thanks, now let’s get going. You’ve wasted enough time playing around with the luggage, said Chucky.

Guido, two more bottles of wine for the road! said Chucky. I already got ‘em opened.

"So Guido, which way do we go? asked Ivy.