The Odd, the Furry, and the Speckled: The Rise of the Feet Varmints

By John Cassidy

When a little girl gets trapped within a terrible storm, the mouse size creatures of Willow Creek risk paw and tail to rescue her as they are bombarded by ravenous crows, hampered by a battalion of ants, besieged by angry bees, attacked by a gruesome mole, flooded by a raging sprinkler system, and still they have yet to travel a single block. Welcome to Willow Creek, home of the rarest pups on earth; they also happen to be the most self-absorbed, neurotic, ill-mannered, chatterboxes this side of the Mississippi. But happy they are, beloved by their masters, and spoiled rotten. But when Willow comes to town, a young varmint straight out of boot camp, they are immediately put off by her toe-the-line demeanor. As tempers escalade, tragedy strikes: Willow and her young master, Misty, get stranded in Redwood City amidst a dreadful storm. To bring them home again, the pint-size varmints soar off on a dazzling adventure that is chalk full of wonder and danger. But the question remains, can these oddball creatures hold it together long enough to save the day? It is a scary world out there after all, especially when youre the perfect size to be gobbled up.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jun 4, 2013
• ISBN: 9781483640587

John Cassidy

John Cassidy is a journalist at The New Yorker and a frequent contributor to The New York Review of Books. He is the author of How Markets Fail and Dot.con: How America Lost Its Mind and Money in the Internet Era and lives in New York City.

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Copyright © 2013 by John Cassidy.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Rev. date: 05/22/2013

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Contents

1    The Green, the Odd, and the Newborn

2    Always Willow

3    The Odd and the Just Plain Weird

4    Varmint Drama

5    Pampered Pooches

6    Lost

7    Night Trails

8    For Misty

9    Survival of the Fittest

10  Sister Bee

11  Heartburn

12  Tooshie Warmer

13  No Relation

14  Over a Barrel

15  Dustbucket, I see Dirty

For

Antoinette, my Girl

Cass, my Mom

Diana, my Sis

My own little

Family of Varmints

There is a place in our world, hidden deep behind the Redwoods of Northern California. That place has only been spoken of in whispers, and those whispers have been enough for some to have dedicated their lives trying to find it. It’s not on any map and the existence of it has been fiercely denied. There are those that brush it off as a mere fantasy or a charming tale to delight the young, but this is not just a story, it’s as real as you and I. And if you are one of the fortunate ones to happen upon this place, you will find the most wondrous relationship between humans and animals that mankind has ever known. A king would gladly pay a ransom in gold bars just to own one of these rare creatures.

Rather you believe it or not, that choice is yours to make. There is one thing for certain: after reading their amazing story you’ll want to own one of these animals too, just like everybody else. It always happens that way.

1

The Green, the Odd, and the Newborn

Let’s go humans! Get those legs moving! I got a pregnant human over here! Look out! Coming thru! Jeez! These have got to be the dumbest humans I ever saw! I mean come on, why in all of doggie land are these abnormally tall creatures born with those big ol ugly ears on the side of their colossal heads and still can’t hear zilch with them? I mean, what’s up with that? Pep it up humans, pep it up, we got an emergency here, Thumper declared as he let go of his saddle straps just long enough to clap his paws together, a maneuver he saw his master do on many occasions. As if the clapping of his tiny paws would jolt the people into paying attention to him any better than they had so far.

The mouse size creature looked behind him as he heard Carolyn moaning. She was squirming around terribly in a wheelchair as her husband, Joseph, pushed her forward as fast as he could. Thumper grimaced just looking at her. Seeing her in all that pain was tearing his little heart out. If I could only get all these humans out of my way I could get her some help.

Thumper fidgeted terribly in his saddle that was strapped to the tip of his master’s shoe. Any which way he turned there seemed to be nothing but legs scurrying in and out of his way. There were long ones, short ones, fat ones, skinny ones, and hairy ones, and Thumper had something to say about each and every one of them.

Move it daddy long legs, you can’t just run in front of my shoe like that! What’s wrong with you? Hey knobby knees, do you believe this guy? Whoa sister, you got some big legs on you. Thumper started giggling as he sized the lady up. I’d lay off the doggie treats if I were you, no wonder you’re so slow. So what do they call you around these parts, thunder limbs? Thumper giggled again. Ah Jeez, that was funny.

Just then Thumper noticed the female varmint riding on the lady’s shoe. She had a little head, short muzzle and pink eyes. Her hair was short and wavy and orange in color with white stripes running through it. Her paws and her tail were white as well. She looked like an orange swirl ice cream bar.

Seemingly forgetting about his pregnant friend for the moment, Thumper gave her his classic Lassie smile and tipped his golfers hat. Hello gorgeous. Somebody, anybody, please get a flea to bite me. This pup is so pretty I must be dreaming.

Save it Pug, she scolded him. You just can’t insult my lady of honor like that and then try to sweet talk me with those tired old lines.

But puppy doll face…

"Don’t even try it mutt. You get none of my attention. All you’ll ever see of me is a turned up nose. And true to her word, the pup turned up her nose as her master rushed off down another hallway.

Me and my big mouth, he grumbled. But poodle love, he called after her. Those weren’t insults I was sharing with your master, those were terms of endearment.

Oh really? she shouted back. Well here’s one for you, I hope you get rabies, with lots and lots of flees.

That really wasn’t a term of endearment doll, he said flatly. That was more like a statement or a wish.

Whatever, was the only reply she gave him.

"Tee hee, tee hee, now that was funny, like let me fall on my face and wiggle my paws while you tickle my tummy kind of funny, hilarious even. She told you Pug. I hope you get rabies, ha ha, tee hee, hilarious even."

Thumper turned to see who was having a laugh at his expense. In-between legs that were rushing back and forth was the darkest green varmint he’d ever saw. Its master was rushing down the same hallway as his. The varmint was long and skinny, the shape of a banana but the color of a pickle. He had a tiny head with black spiked hair sprouting out from everywhere, except from the top of his head, which was completely bald. It was as if someone had reached down and plucked the center of his hair away.

You got a problem with me pal? Thumper asked.

You bet I do, as well as every varmint within ear shot. The varmint made a sour expression with his lips as he mimicked Thumper. Look out, coming through, pep it up. "Amigo, let me explain something to you, they don’t speak our language, so screaming at them is kind of idiotic, don’t you think? And secondly, they can’t hear you anyways. Look around you. You’re in Willow Creek’s Memorial Hospital, the noisiest place in town. But guess who can hear you? The rest of your friendly neighborhood varmints; and your ceaseless whining is offensive to all our ears, so do us all a favor and put a muzzle on your muzzle and shut it up!"

All the varmints in the vicinity began applauding in agreement.

Well for the love of… look pal, I’m sorry all you mutts have such sensitive ears around here, but my master and I got a pregnant human back there that we’re trying to get to the baby dropping room. So if screaming is what I got to do to get all of your master’s out of the doggone way, then that is what I’m going to do!

Amigo, it’s a hospital, all of us are here for emergencies, and yours is no more special than ours.

Oh really, and what’s your big emergency?

My master is going into surgery too.

Oh yeah? What for? Thumper asked.

Wart removal, he replied.

Thumper looked up at the varmint’s master, and he nearly fell off his saddle. He was long and skinny too, like his varmint, with glasses and boyish brown hair, but on the tip of his nose sat a humungous wart. The sight of it was horrifying to Thumper. His mouth gaped wide open just looking at it. It was fat, round, dark green in color and stretched out like a tree branch. It also had black spiked hair poking out from it. Maybe that’s why the poor varmint’s bald at the top of his head, Thumper thought to himself. Maybe his master took it to try to cover up that hideous looking thing! Well if he did take it, he really needs to give it back, because it clearly didn’t work. It’s as gross as ever!

Thumper pointed up to its master. Listen pal, if my master had something dangling from his nose that looked worse than my early morning poop, I’d be screaming for help even crazier than I already am. You shouldn’t be wasting your time complaining about me, you need to be trying to get him some help, and quickly why don’t you.

Bite me Pug! The varmint said angrily.

Sorry pally, but I don’t eat pickles. Thumper smiled proudly as he placed a hand to his chest. "Besides, at least I know my pedigree, I’m a Pug. The rest of you weird looking mutts around here don’t even know what you are anymore. Hints the term, Feet Varmints, it was created for the odd, the furry, and the speckled, for all the psychedelic freaks of nature in this town; just like you."

The varmint’s master rushed on ahead as he shouted back, This is Willow Creek amigo, the only place in the entire world where the earth’s solar particles have splashed against all the creatures, big and small. And it turned us into dazzling pieces of art. It’s a mystical wonderland right here in our own back yard. And somehow you have managed to stay completely the same. That doesn’t make you normal or special, Pug; that makes you completely and utterly boring.

Well you may call yourself a work of art, but I’d call you graffiti; bad bad graffiti. And I rather be a boring Pug than something that looks like it should be tossed in a salad! Just then, a medical team ran up to them and quickly rushed Carolyn and her husband down a neighboring hallway.

Finally, Thumper screamed loudly as he threw his paws into the air. Where have you guys been? On a doggie nap? Jeez! Say uh listen, after you finish dropping that baby, there’s a human walking around here with a humdinger of a wart plastered all over his face; you veterinarians might want to take care of that. He’s around here somewhere, you can’t miss him, the thing is standing out like a tree trunk. It’s growing leaves even.

Thumper sighed heavily, relieved that the cavalry had arrived. He looked up at his master. The man looked exhausted, totally worn out. Jeez, this baby dropping stuff is stressful! Thumper tapped the hem of his pants leg. When his master looked down, Thumper gave him the thumbs up sign. His master smiled, and gave him the thumbs up as well. Thumper looked back down the hallway. He smiled as he put his hands on his hips, as if he had just completed an impossible feat, and in his mind that’s exactly what he had done.

Excuse me canine, said a drab voice from the side of Thumper. Next to him was a crush pink, thickly coated female varmint. Her whole head and face was covered abundantly with long wavy pink hair. Her hair parted at the top but it ran along the face so deep that her little purple eyes could barely be seen from within the foliage. She had a black button of a nose with a short sprout of wild hair sitting on the top of it. Her tail was abundantly feathered as well and it curled into a ball on her back. She was seated on a lilywhite saddle with a red trim that was fastened to her master’s left nursing shoe. She also had on a white nurse’s cap, and the name on it was Nurse Curly.

Can I help you sister?

You sure can honey, she said drearily. You and your master can move your tooshie’s out of the hallway and take a seat upstairs in the waiting room.

Excuse me? Look miss pinky, we have the right to stand here. We just brought in a human for baby dropping. Your veterinarians just rushed her off, so give us a break why don’t you.

Curly rolled her eyes and pursed her lips. They’re not veterinarians, you uneducated mongrel, they’re doctors.

No they’re veterinarians, I know a vet when I see one. I’ve been to see them way to many times. I can pick them out by the look in their eyes. They live by the triple j rule.

The triple j rule? Curly turned up her nose. What on earth is that?

What kind of nurse are you if you’ve never heard of that rule before? The triple j rule: that’s when the vet’s jack you up with a needle, jumpstarts you back to health and then sends you home in a doggie jail. Jack, jump and jail, happens to me every time without fail. Thumper pawed his chin thoughtfully. Although, I have to admit, they’re going to need a pretty doggone big jail to put Carolyn in after she drops the baby. I aint never seen the cages that big before, maybe they keep the bigger ones in the back, yeah that’s probably it.

Oh for goodness sakes, I don’t have time for your gibberish! Curly began flapping her paws at him as if she was trying to physically shoo him off. Go away, go away, go away you unwanted pest this very instant!

Lady, do you have any idea who we just dropped off here? Do you have any idea how important those guys are? Listen lady, you’re really about to make me mad.

Showing her complete lack of concern, Curly threw her head back and let out a great big humungous yawn. As her mouth spread wide open and her pink head rocked from side to side, it appeared as if she was singing in an opera. Thumper was completely disgusted that she didn’t make any attempt to cover it with a paw. Once her yawn was over, her eyes darted immediately to him.

Uh oh, I’m in trouble now. The big bad Pug is upset with me. You really got me shaking in my saddle here. Curly raised her right paw smartly to her forehead. Maybe I should be popping tall and giving you the big doggie salute right about now. Don’t play me short mongrel, I know my job. I know exactly who we just took back to the baby dropping room, the Franks, very important folks in our town, so I hear. Well let me just roll over and play dead right now: big doggie deal. Maybe you mutts are celebrities round about town, but right here at Willow Memorial, you’re just another number buddy.

Look flappy jaws, I really don’t know if I should just ignore you or if I should turn your head upside down and use it for a mop. There’s a spill on isle four I’d like to clean up.

Curly leaned forward in her saddle and nodded her head in the direction of the waiting room. There were over forty humans in there, and all of them were waiting to be seen. All of them had varmints saddled to their shoes.

"Listen up, you foul mouth pug, because I’m only going to say this once. Over there in that room we have a broken arm, a slip disk, swollen ankles, bad ulcers, a case of the measles, mumps, three cases of the common cold and a whole doggie bowl full of other ailments that I don’t have time to explain. We’ve been backed up like this for days and I’ve just worked a double shift. Do you realize how long