The Search for My Inner ''I''

By Joseph W. Macy

The Search My Inner I is a look at an exciting, and sometimes difficult life Journey in my search for peace and purpose that has culminated with the writing of this book.
It will take you down the various roads that I have traveled through stories and poetry. It is sometimes raw but also full of serendipitous moments and pure joy.
Knowing oneself is paramount to achieving happiness! A mid-life crisis is often what it takes to get one to STOP! Completely stop playing the erroneous game of buy, buy ,buy materialism and to go within to see the sovereignty that we really are, and to find that innate power and talent that God bestowed in every individual. This power was designed especially for each of us so that we could live a free, successful, health, wealthy and happy life. This is the story of my search.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Aug 30, 2013
• ISBN: 9781483679303

Joseph W. Macy

After many years in the frantic drive for the elusive “American Dream” and the phony demands of the business world all culminating on a nasty “mid-life” crisis, Joseph embarked on a do or die quest for a simpler life. He moved to the seclusion of the mountains where he built a small log cabin; all by himself with old pioneer tools, and here he waited for a direction to arrive from deep within. Eventually, and on a whim, he was urged to try sculpting. Having no formal training in this art and amazed at a natural talent lying dormant within him; a new career was birthed that carried him for twenty years. A crippling stroke at 63 ended this career as abruptly as it had started. Being unable to just vegetate, Joseph decided to start sculpting with words, another area where he was untrained. Upon serious study of words and the real meaning of words a whole new world opened up and he began to sculpt with words and his poetic writings began to immerge almost effortlessly! Eventually he was introduced to the world of Acrostic expression which led to his first small publication entitled: “Acrostic Poetry and Observations” Available on Amazon.

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Copyright © 2013 by Joseph W. Macy.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Rev. date: 08/28/2013

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Contents

Dedicated To:

Introducing the Author

Judge Not

Judge Me Not

Prelude to The Search

The Search

Going, Going, Gone!

Prelude to: The Big Question

The big question!

Prelude to My Life To Date

My Life to Date

Prelude to The Dark, Dark Nights of the Soul

The Dark, Dark Night of the Soul

Prelude to Blanket of Blues

Blanket of Blues

Prelude to Desperate For Time

Desperate For Time

Prelude to Universal Laws

Universal laws

Prelude to Thy Inner I

Thy Inner I

Prelude to The Custody of the Spirit

Custody of the Spirit

Prelude to How Great We Are

How Great We Are

Prelude to My Crying Towel Flag

My Crying Towel Flag

Prelude to To Self Confine

To Self Confine

Prelude to The Awakening

The Awakening

Prelude to My Future

My Future

Prelude to Soul Survivor

Soul Survivor

A Visit to Earth

Attic Of My Mind

Your Objective Might

Shimmering Sands

Night Walk in the Woods

An exercise in Imagery

The Source

Lupine Leaf Diamond

The Squirrely Bluejay

The Garage Sale

The Dole!

Dedicated To:

First and foremost to my partner, Mary Jo Simmons,

whose contributions and encouragement

insured the completion of this effort,

then to,

the process of growth, the wonders of the purge

that heals the soul and further,

to the priceless love and support of my

family and friends, who have made living worthwhile.

Introducing the Author

I began my search in 1972 at 35 years of age; the outcome of a devastating mid-life crises. It was the result of an Earth shaking awakening to the falsity of the promises espoused in the Great American Dream. It cost me my marriage of 23 years, my friends, and my business and for a while, even my children. Everything crashed, taking me from a successful Real Estate Broker to homeless in little more than a few weeks. I wandered the eleven western states for two years, letting the dust settle, and returned to Oregon still devoid of a direction for my life. Several years passed in a mental state of limbo and a chain of odd job survivalism. In the deep corners of my mind there rested a deep fascination for the good old days of early America and a strong desire to build a log cabin. Having no other aspirations on the table, that desire ripened steadily and I began nurturing the idea. A friend offered to lease me twenty acres of timbered land in the coast range totally devoid of any buildings. I moved onto the land, built a three sided lean-to to live in, while building a small [18x20] log cabin, all by himself, in just 7 1/2 months. Here I lived for five years without electricity, phone or indoor plumbing. These were the most blissful times of my life! It was here in the wilderness that, solely on a whim, and with no artistic training, I decided to sculpt a portrait of an old American Indian Elder by the name of Black Belly. Having no idea how to do this I began with forty pounds of clay on a tree stump sculpting table just outside my cabin and the great outdoors for my studio, I was in heaven. After building it up and tearing it down and rebuilding it again seven times, on the eighth try I finally captured the old gent. A friend, on seeing it said if I would cast it in bronze he would buy it. I did, and the friend did and thus began a whole new career that carried me for twenty years.

Living in the mountains, playing with clay, walking the woods and living alone gave me many hours of introspection to deal with. I read profusely, meditated a lot, and then began writing about my life to that point. The more I wrote the more disappointed I became, it all seemed so petty and ridicules! It was here that I began to think that there must be more to this life than we are told about in our youth. There has got to be more to life than just existing. The books I’d been reading talk of a spiritual dimension of great joy available to all who care to seek it. At first I thought it a bunch of nonsense, but the more I read the clearer it became and the more exciting it became.

This new information I was reading about, shook my world to its very foundation. It sent my head swirling with great confusion, doubts, and yes, even unexpected and anguishing dark nights of the soul. However, this did not last very long and was a kind of purge! It was during this time that I started penning poems. [Another area where I lacked any training] and the poems just seemed to come out on their own, from my gut; many, bathed in tears. The poetry seemed to solidify the lessons I was learning in my reading.

For years I wouldn’t share my poetry with anyone other than a close friend or family member. But somehow they trickled out into the world and over the years many people have requested copies of my writings and have encouraged me to publish them in a small book. This encouragement has finally convinced me to do so. You now hold that effort in your hands and I sincerely hope that you might find a line somewhere that sparks an interest in you to pursue your own spiritual path. However, I did not just want to write another poem book. The mid-life crisis, I have discovered, is nearly rampant in our country and I thought maybe I could shed some light on it and how to overcome it, or at least understand it better. So I tried to intermingle my poems with my story. I hope you find it interesting and maybe even helpful.

After all, we are much more than just faltering human beings battering our heads against the brick walls of life. We are exceptionally more powerful than we are aware of. It takes courage to begin to walk your spiritual path but your courage is already there whether you know it or not! One of my meditations produced this: People only act courageously when they are more afraid of standing still than they are of moving.

Once you become aware of the fact that there is, in fact, a higher level of thinking, a spiritual realm if you will, available to you, you will become hungry for it and thoughts of missing it becomes very frightening and it is that fear that motivates you and rouses the courage within you to move on!

So! Move on dear friend, Move on!

I Am,

Joseph

Here with, my search for me!

Judge Not

L et me be clear r ight off. What I am writing here is my personal experiences in my search for answers that will make the second half [hopefully] of my life not only more meaningful but more joyful and loving! I am anything but a learned, professional writer. Writing this book has been extremely difficult for me. I have probably broken all the manmade rules of writing. But you know what? I just don’t care any longer. I spent so much of my life trying to do everything exactly by the book. No more! This endeavor is not intended to be considered the ultimate answer to a successful and joyful way of living for everyone. I don’t pretend to have all the answers for doing that! I am just a common, everyday Joe, facing many of the same obstacles as everyone else. What I have attempted to share here is my experiences along my personal path to a more meaningful, more loving and caring life experience and to rid myself of all the negative influences, the angers, the judgments, the boredom, frustration, jealousy and envy that has had its way with me for years. What you will find herein is, as best as I can explain it, my efforts to develop me into the best possible man I can be and to fulfill my obligation to my creator by completing my purpose for being here in the first place, whatever that may be. I think that all forms of life have a purpose for living here on Earth and to contribute their gifts, [like a spice to a stew.] to the completion of THE BIG PICTURE, a picture that is ever changing and in fact may never be completed. I just want to do what I can to make my portion of the picture as beautiful as I can possibly make it with the tools He/She gave me and at the same time be as supportive to others as is possible! Perhaps this will express better what I am trying to express:

Judge Me Not

Judge me not, my dear friend.

Not for my good or for my evil!

For I am neither.

My good deeds are my reward.

My bad deeds, my learning sword.

Don’t put me in a box,

Nor place me on a pedestal.

From the first I’ll escape and

From the latter I will fall.

I am what I am,

Both ignorant and wise.

I am neither a failure

Or an ultimate prize.

I live here to learn,

and teach what I can.

And although I am perfect,

I behave like a man

Joseph W. Macy © 1980, 2013

Prelude to The Search

A fter many years of what I have dubbed Mental Masturbation, that is, playing with my mind and trying to make some sense out of life, the meaning of life. I could not shake the thought that there had to be more to life than sleep eight hours, work eight hours and worry eight hours. I felt like I was nothing more than an automaton, a robot, more a pawn. Somehow I had bought this fictitious conundrum; a totally make believe game called the American dream. Buy, Buy, Buy! Work my ass off just to make someone else rich. After much introspection, I concluded that this so called American Dream was nothing more than a cleverly orchestrated ploy choreographed by the Haves in order to control the Have Not’s. I felt like I was continually trying to swim up a fast moving river and getting nowhere. I worked hard to get a career, just like I was told to do. Finally I achieved my goal of becoming a Real Estate broker and opened my own office. I actually started to make some real money and I felt like, finally, I was on the right track to realizing the American dream… . Big house,