I Nearly Spat out My Tea

By Eilis NiEidhin

The book delves into a world driven by government issued regulations in a bleak humourless world where the economy is kept afloat by adherence to strict directives for business, educational and health practices. The characters are regular people.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Feb 17, 2015
• ISBN: 9781504937665

Eilis NiEidhin

Eilis is an aspiring author from a small town in Ireland. She has a degree in theoretical physics and is currently undertaking a PhD. Writing is her secret passion. She doesn’t mind when it rains and she lives in Swansea.

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T he bell tinkles over the door and Daphne, looking up from her magazine, meets Eidne’s eyes ‘you left your tea locked in’, ‘I wasn’t sure you’d come’, she replies. Eidne leaves a set of keys on the counter ‘And now you won’t need to wait again’. Daphne changes the topic but smiles gratefully ’It’s funny, I was just thinking about waiting and how much of it we do, when really I should be thinking of all the potential customers’, Eidne pauses in the middle of the room and looks around ‘It’s the smell of the flowers, I sometimes have strange thoughts in here too’.

Eidne moved into the warehouse past the office and leafed idly through the banners. She counted them in her head and checked the number against the numbers on a sheet she picked up off the ground. They matched. She was humming under her breath and thinking furiously about how to market on their budget. She envisioned a group of people approaching a news-stand and put red flags over the ones who were thinking of having a party, thirty percent by her own guess. The banners are individually wrapped in a clear plastic wrapping and the beginnings of words can be made out in the natural light of evening coming in through the high rectangular windows above the shelves that line the walls.

Eidne switches on the light as well as the door opening mechanics. The sound of it opening slightly is soon followed by the clunk of the interlacing segments meeting with the ground again. In the comparative silence that follows Eidne hears Daphne turning a page. She remembers her tea and re-enters the office, leaving the door unlocked behind her. She pulls up the venetian blinds to let the natural light in and this makes the spectrum of streamers lining the floor seem less. The greyness takes the gravity out of the situation and she reprimands herself less as she gathers them into a bin liner. They had burst from their container as she was reaching up to some files and cannot be restored.

‘I will note these in the waste section and you can check my work as I have not used that section before, Daphne, OK?’, ‘That’s OK don’t fret, and don’t forget it is only quiet when a storm is brewing, it’s coming up to communion season, I have been speaking to my niece and she says that the schools and families both celebrate the occasion’. Daphne knows she cannot be seen and so scratches underneath her chin with the edge of her magazine. The pages bend and the folds catch against her jowl. It is more of a silent unseen gesture than a true scratch.

Eidne was making an online report, as a new business they were both prone to over-the-top diligence. The report would be read by a government official and if deemed likely to be a symptom of a widespread disease to efficacy it would bring about a visit and a free course in product management. Eidne secretly desired to learn more about the trade while Daphne had no secrets and was eager to make sales.

Eidne returns to Daphne at the shop-front and stands by her shoulder ‘I’m hungry now, it is late enough to close up entirely?’ she says to which Daphne replies ‘My count says yes’ then realises that Eidne is unaware of the game she has been playing in her mind and continues ‘What do you eat for supper? I am stuck on potatoes as I bought a whole punnet last week. I even have potato cakes for breakfast. Then I take a supplement of vitamins in a slurry form which my pharmacist recommended for beating the slump, do you experience the slump? I do and my pharmacist says she does too and says it’s quite common.’

Eidne runs her hand over the counter and inspects it for dust ‘I order in recently, my local Indian take away are doing free delivery and it is the only thing I desire, it is nearly a craving I don’t mind telling you but they were inspected recently so I know that it is not a result of illegal ingredients, do you remember last year when I had to get my stomach pumped of Chinese food?’. Daphne smiles and says ‘Yes, I remember nearly every second of that, the waiting room was full of other spinsters and we were all having a great laugh I’m sorry to say at your expense but then I saw how horribly green your face was and we all began to talk instead of the news that was showing, more news about the food regulations as could only be expected.’

Daphne’s humour is wasted as her companion’s mind is elsewhere and she returns to the magazine, the pages lying open before her flutter slightly in the breeze generated outside and leaking inwards through the door, ajar.

Then Daphne said ‘If you are right about these flowers then I might have some strange dreams tonight, I was troubled by strange dreams last year and used an online service to offer me solutions, and it is akin to fortune reading. A team of psychologists interprets them in conjunction with information about your own life and the people in it and they advise you as to the true meaning behind the dream as well as offering ways forward to untroubled sleep. In fact they suggested opening a business, I know for you it was a lifelong dream but for me the process has come as quite a surprise’.

Eidne wafted some air towards her nose and breathed in deeply and then remarked ‘The smell is so pungent in the evening, I think it is the orchid but it seems to be coming from the dahlias, those will need changing tomorrow when our delivery comes. I know it is not the heather as confidently as I know that the heather is keeping the spiders away. A mountain flower can look out for itself, the same goes for the flowering cactus’.

‘I might buy one of our flowering cacti as I have always wanted to travel the deserts, Gobi, Sahara or Australian but never could afford to take either the time nor the money’ said