Marriage: Blessing or Burden?

By Marlene Louis Blyden

The research and evidence are indisputable that marriage is a beneficial institution. I was motivated to write this book because of the high occurrence of struggling marriages, which some sources state have about a 50 percent failure rate. Some people argue that the rate is closer to 40 percent. Whatever it may be, it is still too high in my view. Couples I know very well and some you may know struggle with marital woes every day. Others have gone through the pain of separation, divorce, and child custody complications.
Now more than ever, marriage is worth our investment. I often ask myself, If God ordained and designed marriage and gave us all the necessary tools for building successful marriages, why then do so many marriages fail? Is marriage truly a blessing?
I trust that some of the views and information shared in this book will help enhance my readers marriages in some ways. I will use a little humor from time to time (since I cannot help myself). I love to laugh and make others laugh! I often tell people I was not born with only one funny bone; I have multiple. Discussing every single concern in marriage is beyond the scope of this book. Therefore, I chose topics I hope that every marriage can learn from if not relate to in some form or fashion.
The following are some of the questions answered in this book:
>What constitutes a marriage?
>Does marriage really matter today?
>Is marriage still worth the time and energy?
>Can todays marriage survive, or should we resign ourselves to the idea that todays marriages just do not last?
>Why should I even get married when we can just live together?
>What happens when conflict arises in marriage?
>Can we be effective parents?
>Out of the six billion people on earth, how can I stay with this one person for the rest of my life?
>What happens if we fall out of love with each other?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Aug 1, 2014
• ISBN: 9781499052893

Book preview

Copyright © 2014 by Marlene Louis Blyden.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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Rev. date: 09/10/2014

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Contents

Acknowledgment

Introduction

PART 1

Chapter 1 My Background

Chapter 2 Why Not Just Cohabitate?

Chapter 3 Marriage God’s Way

Chapter 4 Boundaries Are Necessary

Chapter 5 Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

Chapter 6 Parenting with Your Spouse

PART 2

Chapter 7 Marital Conflict Will Arise

Chapter 8 Intimate Partner Violence

Chapter 9 Premarital Training Goes a Long Way

Concluding Thoughts

References

Author Bio

About the Book

This is for you, Paul, my one love.

Thank you for your love and devotion to me for over nineteen years. When we were married, we were both twenty-one and thought we had love and marriage figured out. Well, now we know the truth! Together we have had our fair share of challenges and trials, as well as pleasures and triumphs. You are a loving and supportive husband, dedicated father, great provider, and godly man of integrity. I love you.

Acknowledgment

Thanks for your love, support, and encouragement:

Family: Paul Blyden, Myla-Danae Blyden, Malaeya Blyden, Myrna Louis Gonzalez, Earl Louis, Rhoda Louis, Jerry Louis and family, Esther Blyden, Kimberley Gonzalez, and Emily Gonzalez.

Friends: Kovia Hamilton, Patrick Kowlessar, Dany Lowe, Glenville and Kerensa Morton, Takiyah Turner, and Delbert Straker.

**Special thanks to Kerensa Morton, Dany Lowe, and Delbert Straker for providing me feedback in specific subject areas.

I will always be grateful that all of you believed in me and my work. Above all, I thank God for his everlasting love and never-ending grace throughout this writing process and beyond. To God be all the glory!

Introduction

Marriages are under attack on every front in today’s morally deficient environment. It seems that marriage is not taken as seriously as it was in previous generations. Look around. The evidence of the decline of marriage is everywhere. The marriages of government officials, military personnel, world leaders, church leaders, and plain, regular folks are under tremendous pressure.

Primetime television shows are one of the worst offenders in publicly degrading marriage. The goal of many of these shows is to try to belittle and illegitimatize marriage—mind you, I said try. The married couple for some reason seems more miserable and unfulfilled than their dating, single, divorced, or even promiscuous family, friends, and colleagues. There was even a show entitled Happily Divorced on the tube. The show Modern Family also takes aim at traditional marriage.

Yes, divorce is on the rise everywhere. It is now the undeniable obligation of concerned families, churches, government, the media, other public and private organizations, and individuals in our society to work together to find effective, commonsensical solutions for the drastic and widespread marital decline now! The basic fabric of our society is at stake. Will we act? Can we do anything to change this negative course? Can we save this ship? We will flesh out these questions and many more a little later in this book.

Changing Attitudes toward Marriage

It is not a huge stretch to state that married life has changed over time. People’s attitude toward marriage is not becoming more favorable. It is the exact opposite. Positive attitudes and feelings toward marriage are declining. The ways and reasons people choose to get married are constantly changing as well. We see it all around. Marriages are here today and gone the next. Yet the same individuals will get married then divorced and remarry again.

Relationships with others have always been multifaceted yet essential to our lives. We were made in God’s image after all (Genesis 1:27). This means we need to be in relationships with others. On this side of heaven, marriage is the best reflection of God’s design and picture of Jesus Christ and his bride, the church. Obviously marriage is very important to God.

However, modern marriages are faced with so many issues that previous generation didn’t have to contend with. It is quite evident to us who are thirty-something and younger that there are several differences between the marriages of our parents and grandparents to ours and that of our peers. Did our grandparents have to deal with marital ups and downs? I am sure they did. They had their ways of dealing with marital concerns and problems, which may have worked for them just fine. Sometimes they ignored the problems or just accepted them no matter how grave they were. For instance, if the husband fathered a child outside the marriage, the wife would accept this situation, and all would seem normal—at least on the surface. This couple would continue in their marriage until one partner dies. I am in no way implying that their ways of handling marital issues were ideal. What I am simply stating is they had their ways of managing with their challenges, while today’s couples might choose very different ways.

However, this does not change the fact that we have to accept life as it is today and not waste precious time wishing we lived in a different era. Concerns related to blended families, more women working outside the home, financial constraints, adultery/infidelity, military life, the number of children, children with special needs, domestic violence, divorce, and women’s and men’s changing roles in marriage and society at large are all pervading issues in contemporary marriages. Consequently, the questions surrounding marriage seem endless. To many people, some of these questions do not seem to have any clear answers. Therefore, they are left with more angst, doubt, and confusion about marriage and its true significance.

Over the years, I have heard dozens of questions echoed time and time again from different couples in different stages of marriage. I have even asked a few of these same ones myself.

Here are some of the most common questions that have been asked:

■ What constitutes a marriage?

■ Is my marriage blessed by God?

■ Does marriage really matter today?

■ Is marriage still worth the time and energy?

■ Can today’s marriage survive, or should we resign ourselves to the idea that today’s marriages just do not last?

■ Why should I even get married when we can just live together?

■ Can I find unconditional love in another after losing a spouse?

■ What happens when conflict arises in marriage?

■ Can we be effective parents?

■ Out of the six billion people on earth, how can I stay with this one person for the rest of my life?

■ What happens if we fall out of love with each other?

■ With all of life’s complications, how can I promise someone that I will remain with him or her for better or worse until death do we part?

You get the idea. The questions go on and on.

It is a fact that on one hand, people love talking about the pleasant aspects of marriage, such as hardworking husbands, devoted wives, romantic spouses, financial stability, beautiful homes, physically attractive spouses, talented kids, and expensive, lavish family vacations. Yes, people will go out of their way to relay to relatives, friends, and others in their communities details of their family fun times. There is absolutely nothing wrong with doing so in my view. On the other hand, some realities of marriage are too disturbing for some of us to imagine, let alone say out loud. Just the thought of these issues like unfaithfulness, loss of jobs, bankruptcy, intimate partner violence (IPV), physically or mentally ill children, psychologically disturbed spouses, and the neglect and abuse against children in the home may cause upset stomachs, dry mouths, or wet, clammy palms. Whether we like it or not, the hard truth remains that we still have to address all of these issues that abound in marriages around the globe head-on. We should not wallow in the many downsides of marriage. Instead, we need to find effective methods and avenues of alleviating them and help reduce future occurrences of these goings-on in marriage.

Let me establish from the start that I am aware of questions and ambiguity concerning the definition of marriage. Same-sex marriage, common-law marriage, shared spouses, open marriages, polygamy, and other alternative lifestyle choices are all part of today’s marriage dialogue. However, in this book, I want to be very clear and consistent. When I refer to marriage, I am referring solely to the legal and/or covenant union between a consenting man and woman. Furthermore, let me emphasize at this time that nowhere in scriptures does God recognize or condone marriage between a man and man, woman and woman, or any other combination except one man and one woman. All other combinations are weak imitations at best.

The fundamental principles of marriage will remain forever true. Still, marriages have to adapt and change because of current world events, life choices, and other complications. Whether these issues facing marriage begin in the family or outside, they still affect marriages. Do we sometimes wish we all lived in simpler times where things were more clear-cut and there were less destructive elements fighting against marriage? An emphatic Yes is the answer. However, we cannot live in the past and have to deal with our lives today! We should never throw our values out the window, but in order to be able to keep our marriages workable and thriving, we have to adjust, learn, and grow.

My Goal

I trust that some of the views and information shared in this book will help enhance my readers’ marriages in some ways. I will use a little humor from time to time (since I cannot help myself). I love to laugh and make others laugh! I often tell people I was not born with only one funny bone—I have multiple. Discussing and fleshing out every single concern in marriage is beyond the scope of this book. Therefore, I chose topics I hope that every marriage can learn from, if not relate to in some form or fashion.

If you want a sugar-coated version of marriage, this is not the book you are looking for! But I will still encourage you to read on anyway. While this is not a follow these six quick steps and you will have a happy marriage book, my hope is that you will come away with some new perspectives or discover new attitudes and behaviors you can implement in your life and current or future marriage. Furthermore, in no way I am inferring that my husband and I have the model marriage. In fact, I am admitting that our marriage, like yours, is a work in progress. I did not write this book to shame or preach to anyone. Not in the least. I present information as honestly and simply as I can muster. I humbly state I do not understand every nuance of marriage even after nineteen years. We are so imperfect that we are willing to talk about it, keep an open mind, and gather some useful resources along the way. Through it all, we strive to live in the way that we vowed to do the day we said, I will to each other.

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