If My Mom and Dad Had Sailed on the Mayflower, That Ol' Ship Would Have Sunk!: Kids' Views of American History

By David Heller

IF MY MOM AND DAD HAD BEEN ON THE MAYFLOWER, THAT OL SHIP
WOULD HAVE SUNK! is a compilation of childrens always hilarious and often thought-provoking views of American history, from our exploratory origins all the way to present-day America. Based on extensive interviews with children from 7-14, this books cover all the major themes and controversies that surround our very colorful, sometimes glorious and sometimes painful national story. While the youngsters are often impressive in their knowledge of American history, their apocryphal tales and embellishments produce laugh-a-minute entertainment as well. And sometimes, their views or our values and beliefs, of our social challenges and our wars, and of our progress as a nation are downright poignant and moving -- lessons for all of us at any age or position in life.
Here are a few of the many wonderful commentaries by the children:

WHAT DID COLUMBUS THINK TO HIMSELF WHEN HE FIRST SET EYES ON THE AMERICAS? Las Vegas, here I come! (Jared, age 12)

WHAT DID THE PILGRIMS DO TO PASS THE TIME ON THE MAYFLOWER?
Played chess, but both sides agreed to not use their kings since they hated kings so much. (J.D., age 14)

IF YOU HAD BEEN A REVOLUTIONARY ERA CHILD, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE
DONE TO HELP THE CAUSE? Because Im little, I would have hid and bitten the British soldiers on the leg when they were marching by. (Kwan, age 9)

HOW WOULD TRAITOR BENEDICT ARNOLD HAVE BEEN TREATED IF HE HAD LIVED IN MODERN TIMES? There would have been a lot of newspaper and magazine articles about what a bad childhood he had. (Craig F., age 11)

HOW WOULD THE UNITED STATES BE DIFFERENT TODAY IF THE FOUNDING FATHERS HAD BEEN FOUNDING MOTHERS? There would be laws in the Constitution saying everybody had to brush their teeth more. (George H., age 7)

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Feb 18, 2014
• ISBN: 9781493171606

David Heller

David Heller, PhD. is a clinical psychologist and the author of forty previous books, including many of a spiritual and religious nature. These works include: In Search Of God, The Soul Of A Relationship, When Darkness Reigned And Light Was Barely Visible (with Jared Heller), The Soul Of A Man, Talking To Your Child About God (Literary Guild Selection), Dear God: Children’s Letters To God, The Eternal Gifts Of Judaism, Just Build The Ark And The Animals Will Come, and The Kids’ Book of Prayers About All Sorts of Things (with Elizabeth Heller). Dr. Heller is a summa cum laude graduate of Harvard and received his doctorate from The University of Michigan.

Book preview

Contents

Chapter I. The Pilgrims Landed In Plymouth Because They Could Wear Shorts And Go Sailing There!

Chapter II. I Would Have Put Itching Powder In The Redcoats’ Sleeping Bags!

Chapter III. That Thomas Jefferson Was A Real Big Mouth At The Convention!

Chapter IV. The South Was The Side That Drank Out Of Dixie Cups

Chapter V. Go West To An Amusement Park, Young Man!

Chapter VI. The Invention Of The Car Speeded Up How Fast You Got To School, So How Was That Progress?

Chapter VII. Uh Oh, Here Comes The Depression, So Let’s Get The Heck Out Of Here!

Chapter VIII. People In The 1950’S All Looked Like Elvis

Chapter IX. The Older Generation And The Younger Generation Argued About War And Having Long Hair With Bugs In It!

Chapter X. When America Had Its 200Th Birthday, They Had To Call The Fire Department To Blow Out All The Candles!

Chapter XI. America Is A Wild Ride Not To Be Missed!

About The Author

DEDICATION

TO MR. J.,

IN HONOR OF OUR SHARED LOVE

FOR BOTH HISTORY

AND HUMOR

CHAPTER I

THE PILGRIMS LANDED IN

PLYMOUTH BECAUSE THEY

COULD WEAR SHORTS AND

GO SAILING THERE!

(The New World Is Discovered and It Isn’t Long Before Everybody Is Chowin’ Down On Turkey)

In the beginning, there was Columbus, Pocahontas and John Smith, the Pilgrims and a whole lot of land. From first grade on, children are busy attempting to piece together America’s lively and fascinating origin. How did all the early peoples get here? youngsters wonder. What were Columbus and the explorers really like? What about those folks who started the first Thanksgiving? What were their everyday lives like? These queries and many other historical questions stimulate a child’s curiosity, and in response, youngsters try to assemble tales of discovery and settlement that appear to make sense—at least to these young historians!

Christopher Columbus, now there’s a man that most little historians have heard about, since he has provided a day off of school each and every October. But by no means is there a singular, undisputed view of Columbus in American history. The Pilgrims have a familiar ring too, and every member of the littlest generation has a notion about their private lives and habits. And what about native peoples, the Indians, and their various tribes? You can really get diverse and colorful views of these indigenous people depending upon which youngsters with whom you speak.

For children, the parade of early explorers, settlers and native inhabitants conjures images of a wild, wilderness time. Not only was this an era when the American civilization was just beginning to take shape, but it was also a period when adults and children alike were encountering novel challenges in an uncharted world. Now that can really make for some funny and poignant accounts—by fledling American history buffs.

THE REAL STORY ABOUT HOW AMERICA WAS DISCOVERED

It was dumb luck by a guy that was looking for leaves that change color. (Sid, age 9)

I think two or three Spanish guys were racing to see who could find Indiana first. (Lyle, age 8)

Columbus was looking for a good vacation spot for his wife and the kiddies, and the new world rates were out of this world! (J.D., age 14)

A person went to the King and the King let him use a boat. They sailed and sailed and their clothes got all wet. Then they landed in Boston in about 1960. (Carey, age 7)

First the Pilgrims landed here and discovered how rich the land was. But then the dinosaurs came and wiped out the Pilgrims. (Armond, age 8)

One of those queens in Europe saw an island from her balcony, and she told a servant to buy it and make sure they got a receipt from the Indians… no funny business. (Andy P., age 8)

Here’s how it all happened. Listen up. Columbus sailed the ocean blue, but it didn’t really happen in 1492. No sir… Don’t believe everything you read in an old history book. (Del, age 14)

WHAT DID THAT FELLOW COLUMBUS ACTUALLY THINK TO HIMSELF WHEN HE FIRST SET EYES ON THE AMERICAS?

It needs a lot of work… A definite fixer-up-er. (Carl, age 11)

Darn, they only take American Express cards here. (Ally, age 11)

Las Vegas, here I come! (Jared, age 12)

Where the heck am I, anyways? (Eli, age 9)

This is a can’t miss island. But it is gigantic. I think I will name after me, and call Columbustown. (Evan, age 12)

I hope they have a gift shop here so I can buy my wife a present. (J. D., age 14)

China! . . . Finally, I have found it. (Teddy age 12)

I wonder if there is a Starbucks here already. (Cheryl, J., age 10)

This will be a land of freedom… I am even going to let girls live here. (Tommie, age 11)

Wait a minute. This isn’t India. Oh well, they don’t make maps like they used to. (Celia, age 10)

Hip, hip, hooray. We made it all the way across the Atlantic Ocean and I was the Captain. (Oliver H., age 12)

BOAT NOTES:

DETAILS ON THOSE MAIDEN VESSELS THAT BROUGHT COLUMBUS AND HIS CREW OVER HERE

They had two flags. One said ‘Spain’ and the other one said ‘America or Bust’ on it. (Lance, age 11)

One of the ships was called the ‘Pent-up’. . . I don’t remember the others. (Craig B., age 8)

I think I took a tour on one of those… Those beds didn’t have soft pillows or anything. (Gia, age 8)

The crew was always saying to Columbus: ‘How much am I getting paid for all this traveling?’ (Eli, age 9)

There was a boat named Maria which had ladies clothes on it and makeup so they could make trades with the Indians. (Marie, age 7)

The sailors kept saying to each other: ‘Man, this Columbus guy is crazy!’ (Teddy, age 12)

There was about fifty sailors and a couple of cooks and they mostly ate fish since there was a lot of them hanging around the ship. (Rob, age 9)

If a crew person said something like Columbus was bald and fat and a lousy soccer player and even worse navigator, that crew person had to walk the plank, or just as bad, got left in some place like Cuba. (Emilie, age 10)

The only thing I know is that the boats didn’t have toilets or toliet paper on them. (Ian, age 9)

It wasn’t a cruise ship with a big swimming pool in the middle, that’s for sure. (Justene, age 10)

WHAT DID THE FOLKS BACK IN EUROPE THINK OF COLUMBUS’S VOYAGE?

They thought he had fallen out of his ship too many times and banged his head. (Mollie, age 9)

Some of the Europe people thought they wouldn’t be seein’ old Chris again. (Del, age 12)

They figured he would be like the first astronaut and fall off the earth into space. (Tyree, age 10)

Queenie Isabelly just cared about the gold. She just wanted the jewelry and she didn’t care if Columbus drowned. (Monty, age 11)

Those folks thought the earth was flat and square like a piece of toast, so they didn’t know what to expect. They thought Columbus would have to make a sharp u-turn and head back to merry old Spain. (Gino, age 9)

The Spanish people were all for it because their food was dull, and they hoped the sailors would bring back some spices and spice up their dinners… And wouldn’t you know it, Columbus made them happy eaters! (Jack T., age 13)

I betcha his parents were worried. His mother might have said: ‘Columbus, my boy, why don’t you get a real job? Why don’t you settle down and a have a few Columbuses. (Linda Y., age 11)

HEY, WHAT DID COLUMBUS LOOK LIKE ANYWAY?

A little like a pirate without the eye patch and bad breath, (Sammi, age 8)

He wore a cap with a ‘CC’ on it… He was big on himself. (Jacob, age 10)

Columbus was really short, but he wore big high shoes to make him look taller, so the Indians would think he was a giant like Lebron James. (Monty, age 11)

When he came to the new world, the first thing he did was get himself a mohawk haircut. (Alvin, age 14)

His trademark was puffy sleaves and he had a pink feather in his cap. (Mia, age 9)

He was a regular-looking guy who ate yogurt with his name on it, because he was getting round in the stomach area and they had low-fat. (Monica, age 10)

He looked something like my great uncle Charles because Columbus was missing his teeth too. (Jenny, age 9)

SO WHAT WAS SO APPEALING ABOUT THE NEW WORLD TO ALL THE EUROPEAN EXPLORERS?

Football. (Rodney, age 8)

There were bank machines here. (Koren, age 7)

Our ladies were the prettiest of all time. (Jamille, age 10)

Over here in the new world their mothers couldn’t tell them what to eat any more. (Marie, age 7)

You could start your own religion and there was nobody who told you that you had to forget about Christmas or Chanukah. (Ariel, age 10)

You could find gold over here and learn some cool stuff like raindances from the Indians… (Kwan, age 9)

There were no kings or royalty… Just a lot of members of the kingdom of animals. (Becky B., age 14)

I bet the explorers like Columbus and De Soda thought the air would be good and there would be no city troubles… Boy were they wrong. (Melanie, age 9)

There was plenty of land like in Florida… So you could really open up some big amusements parks and make a lot of money. (J.J., age 9)

WHERE WOULD YOU HAVE TOLD THE EARLY EXPLORERS TO TRAVEL FURTHER, IF YOU HAD COME ACROSS THE ATLANTIC WITH THEM?

Washington DC… The explorers would have fit in because there are a lot of people with wild ideas there. (Roy, age 12)

Go to Florida… You can personally meet alligators and dolphins there. (Eli, age 9)

Go to New York. The big buildings will knock your socks off, if you actually wear socks, Mr. Explorer. (John F., age 12)

Head right to a place called Sutter’s Mill… Don’t be surprised if there is plenty of gold there. (Jared, age 12)

Kansas and the little states that don’t have people… There’s land there and they need tourists bad. (Liz P., age 10)

Go to Concord, New Hampshire. You can live off the trees there and your dog, Ferdinand, will find that the trees are useful to him. (Del, age 12)

Explore the Gulf of Mexico since you are already in the neighborhood. (Teddy, age 12)

Come up to Massachusetts… You would like all the Italian restaurants here. (Billy O., age 9)

Columbus could have headed to California, and that would have probably made him a calmer person and he wouldn’t have been such a savage to the native peoples. (Kerri, age 14)

HOW DID THE FIRST VIRGINIA SETTLERS DIFFER FROM THE NEW ENGLAND SETTLERS?

They were a bunch of atheists, if you ask me. (Rondell, age 8)

The Virginians fought more like the Indians and they didn’t know how to give the Indians a good bribe… such as trinkets and joke books. (Leonard, age 11)

Those southern people smoked more tobacco and coughed all the time. (Del, age 12)

The Virginians were party animals. The New England people thought drinking milk was their idea of a big party. (Alonzo, age 11)

I think the Virginians were looking for wealth. They were more greedy than the Pilgrims, who only wanted to have homes by the water. (Tracy T., age 12)

The weather was hotter in Virginia so they probably wore shorts all the time. (Aris, age 9)

The cold winters in the north meant that it was harder to survive, but it was probably fun to be a Pilgrim and learn how to snowshoe up in New Hampshire. (Rosie, age 9)

The Virginians were more polite and said ‘yes sir’ a lot. The New Englanders said things like ‘Park the Car in Harvard Yard’. . . Actually, it was probably ‘park the horse’. (Charlie, age 13)

WHAT HAPPENED TO CAPTAIN JOHN SMITH AT JAMESTOWN?

He found out that not all Indians were fans of the English. (Kyle P., age 10)

He got thrown out of Jamestown for stealing underwear. (Bobby T., age 9)

"He made a trade with the native people. He gave them a nice suit