Boundary Warrior: How to Practice Solid Relationship Boundaries to Maximize Your Personal Freedom and Stay in Agreement with God

By Ivy White

Boundary Warrior teaches the importance of healthy boundaries in relationships and how a strong relationship with God is fundamental to practicing solid boundaries. It calls you to examine your boundaries within yourself, as you relate to others, and in your relationship with your Heavenly Father. The author shares deeply personal experiences that led to her boundary revolution.

This book clarifies your role and responsibilities in various types of relationships. It teaches you how to free yourself of false shame, false guilt, misguided principles, insecurities, and deep regret. It also teaches how to say no to others when appropriate and yes to yourself and the life God called you to live.

Should you dare to take a leap of faith and apply these concepts, Boundary Warrior will end your unnecessary suffering, replacing it with a peace unlike youve ever known. Ivy White makes it clear why a relationship with God is an essential element to healthy boundaries. When the two merge together, every step you take is lighter. Your path in life becomes clearer and filled with hope. Nonsense emotions disappear. Peace, love, joy, confidence, and self-acceptance abound. The chains of insecurities and fears shatter, releasing your personal freedoms. Ivy White challenges you to embark upon your boundary journey. Dare to break the chains. Dare to be a Boundary Warrior.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Oct 13, 2017
• ISBN: 9781973601845

Ivy White

Ivy White is a psychotherapist who has a private mental health practice. She is a proud Veteran who devotes her time counseling those in need and writing about her life experiences. She is a woman of deep faith and seeks to share the love of Christ with others. Hobbies include spending time at the river, reading, eating chocolate, weight lifting, and relaxing by a fire place when time permits. She shares a peaceful home with her loving husband, and their two playful dogs, Honey and Sugar. [e-mail]

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Copyright © 2017 Ivy White.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Editors: Mark Wixsom, Anne Stone, Dylan Lewis

Consultants: God, Myk Suxxé, Terry Schriner

Cover: Myk Suxxé

WestBow Press

A Division of Thomas Nelson & Zondervan

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Bloomington, IN 47403

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ISBN: 978-1-9736-0183-8 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-0182-1 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-0184-5 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2017914258

WestBow Press rev. date: 10/12/2017

Scripture quotations marked (NIV) are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™

Scripture taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

The Holy Bible, English Standard Version® (ESV®) Copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. All rights reserved. ESV Text Edition: 2016

Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright ©1996, 2004, 2007, 2013, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

The Holy Bible, Berean Study Bible, BSB Copyright ©2016 by Bible Hub Used by Permission. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Scripture taken from the New Heart English version of the Bible.

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

CONTENTS

Dedication

About The Author

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Chapter 1: The Barn Came Burning Down

Chapter 2: My Breaking Point: The Beginning Of The Boundary War (When You Can’t Stand, Kneel)

Chapter 3: The Benefits Of Hitting Your Breaking Point

Chapter 4: Dealing With The Anger Aftermath

Chapter 5: What Are Boundaries?

Chapter 6: How Boundary Crossings Affect Your Ability To Trust

Chapter 7: The Great Disconnect: Poor Boundaries Account For The Distance Between Your Priorities/Values And The Reality Of Your Life (The Flesh Versus The Spirit)

Chapter 8: How Conquering Your Insecurities By Turning To Your Higher Power Is Key To Establishing Healthy Boundaries And Securing Your Personal Freedom

Chapter 9: What Happens When You Establish Boundaries: What You Should Expect (Buckle Up, Buttercup!)

Chapter 10: Common Culprits To Poor Boundaries

Chapter 11: How My Boundaries Developed

Chapter 12: Boundaries In Families: Our Stars

Chapter 13: Iron Sharpens Iron: Doing A Course Correction With Nonfamily Members (The Golden Twenty Tips)

Chapter 14: Signs Of A Boundary Crosser: A Wolf In Lamb’s Clothing

Chapter 15: The Boundary Spectrum

Chapter 16: Conclusion: Enjoying The Beauty Of The Full Moon

Notes

Bibliography

DEDICATION

T HIS BOOK IS DEDICATED to the one woman who gave me life and always spoke faith into me: my mother. You believed in me. You supported me. You told me I could do anything. You wanted me to have everything you didn’t. You sacrificed your time, money, and energy for me and my siblings. Your heart was bigger than any woman I have ever known. Your love was endless. Never did you speak a word down to me. I was always your sweetie, even at times when I didn’t deserve it.

When others said my dreams were too far out, you told me I couldn’t be stopped. You imparted the warrior spirit in me. You gave me my fight, heart, passion, and intensity. Your confidence and belief in me carried me to heights far beyond anyone else or anywhere I thought possible. You were a beautiful lady—soft spoken, well-mannered, kind, classy, dignified, thoughtful, and incredibly intelligent—but you never had a chance to see your dreams manifested. Your laugh was contagious.

I owe you, Mom. I owe you for all the sacrifices and all the love you ever showed me. I owe you for setting the example of what it means to be a good woman, the best woman. Your candle blew out far too soon. The world misses their Suzie. You will never be forgotten. This book is for you and all the women like you who give tirelessly every day to their children so they may come up higher and realize their dreams. Thank you, Mom, for giving me life. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for protecting me and shielding my ears from the naysayers. May I live every day in a manner that shows my appreciation and makes you proud.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

I WAS BORN AND RAISED in Washington, DC, in an Italian-Catholic family. The youngest of four siblings, I was raised in an average middle-class family, the daughter of a Vietnam vet and a secretary. My parents worked very hard to send my siblings and me to Catholic school. As a child, I was a dedicated, competitive athlete.

With limited financial resources, I used my athletic ability to obtain higher education. I pursued the US Air Force Academy and graduated. Due to medication I was taking for an autoimmune disease, diagnosed my senior year, I wasn’t considered commissionable and therefore didn’t serve as an officer in the Air Force. Following graduation, I attended the University of Maryland for my master’s degree in counseling. Shortly thereafter my health deteriorated even further due to the complex autoimmune disease, which accelerated at an alarming rate and was accompanied by debilitating chronic pain. I spent eight years completely bedridden and disabled, experimenting with every treatment imaginable from hospitals coast to coast. On a few occasions, I nearly passed away. Finally, with the combination of the right medication and an electronic medical device implanted, I began my recovery and reemergence into mainstream society.

I finished the licensure process I had started prior to the onset of my disability and now practice as a licensed psychotherapist in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains. I met my husband soon after I became bedridden while letting my dog outside. He asked me to go on a date, and I said, You don’t want to get to know me. I am very sick and cannot go out. He has been by my side ever since, through every close call and failed treatment.

We are happily married and share a loving home with our two dogs, Honey and Sugar. Together, we walk in faith and thank God every day for all the blessings He has bestowed on us. I love my life now. I spend my days working with the most amazing clients and training as a die-hard athlete just as I did prior to my disability. On the weekends, I enjoy going to church and spending time with my loving family and friends.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

T O MY LOVING HUSBAND, who has stood by my side through all my battles to include this boundary war, which culminated in my writing this book. Not a day goes by that you don’t show me unconditional love and support. You never waver. When my heart is filled with doubt, your encouragement carries me through. When I am stifled with worries, your faith lifts me up. When my confidence falters, your belief in me remains steadfast. When I want to quit, you simply won’t let me. Your soft, gentle ways of encouraging me are always the perfect amount of support. You know me so well. Too much pushing, and I would fight like a bull; any less, and I would feel my dreams weren’t possible.

There simply is no finer man than you, no man with a more loving, supportive, generous, and understanding heart. Your patience with me deserves an award in and of itself. I wouldn’t be where I am today if you hadn’t come into my life. You’re a blessing and a gift from God. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for having me as your wife. Thank you for supporting through my boundary war. Thank you for loving me for all I am and all I’m not. Thank you for accepting me just as I am. Thank you for never saying never. May I finish this book journey in a manner that is fitting for the dream you carried in your heart for me when I was too tired and too scared to carry it for myself. I love you. My heart, your heart. Always.

I also want to especially thank my supportive friends, especially Myk and Mark, who listened to me daily in all matters having to do with this book. Thank you to my editors, Mark, Anne, and Dylan, who believed in me from the start when I had only a pile of sloppy notes. Thank you to my loving family, who stand firmly behind me to this day. Thank you to Lakewood Church and Joel Osteen, whose sermons I relied on daily for encouragement and direction. Thank you to my clients, who have placed their trust in me. You have been my greatest teachers. Thank you to my local Christian church for your community, fellowship, and weekly guidance. And, most of all, thank You to God for calling me to write this book, even though You knew I disliked writing. Your love, mercy, and grace know no end. I have answered Your calling and obeyed, and I thank You for the many blessings this book has already brought me and will soon bring to its readers.

INTRODUCTION

I OFTEN MARVEL AT THE very thin line between success and failure. ¹ Everything gained with talent and hard work cannot recoup the devastating effects of poor boundaries.

If you’re looking for a warm, cozy book to enjoy and then set aside, this book isn’t for you. If you’re not ready to make a change, not hungry for more, and unwilling to shake your life up, this book isn’t for you.

This book is for the person who lives on the growth edge. This book is for the person who is tired of living a mediocre life, bogged down by nonsensical emotions and misguided responsibilities. This book is for those who have been wronged, manipulated, taken advantage of, and guilted. This book is for those who are willing to face fears, accept challenge, and fight in pursuit of a healthier, more rewarding life. This book is for the emotional athlete. It’s for what I call the Boundary Warrior.

It’s for those who want to laugh hard, live right, and love fully. It’s for those who have a heart turned toward God and want a deeper relationship with Him. If you scoff at the idea of self-help books, know this: everything you want to achieve in life, everything you want to feel and experience, and everyone you love are connected to the boundary concepts I’m about to present to you. If you don’t comprehend these concepts fully, then you can kiss your hopes and dreams goodbye.

Fact. A good life is built on solid boundary practices. Get your boundaries in order, and your life with be set on the right path, leading to your destiny. Otherwise you will stay lost in the wilderness, never making it to the Promised Land. If you’re still with me on this journey, adjust your frame of mind. Get your mind right.

This is your boundary boot camp, and it’s your turn to scale the wall. This book is going to kick you into emotional shape just like an elite trainer would do in a gym. It’s time to declare a personal revolution and make lasting change. It’s time to live the life God called you to live. Stop being scared. Fight! It’s time to be a Boundary Warrior.

First, here’s my personal boundary story. This book shares my personal struggle, my boundary war, so you may relate and grow your boundaries stronger no matter what your current situation is. I will discuss how my boundaries, or lack thereof, were formed from early childhood to stimulate insight into your own boundary formation. I will share my story of the epic relational boundary failure that forced my boundary revolution again in hopes that you can identify with some of the critical dynamics that got me hooked into that dilemma. Perhaps we share some of the same hooks, such as false guilt, shame, and the disease to please.

But I learned after years of private practice therapy and therapy of my own that most adults are clueless about this material. It doesn’t come naturally. It goes against many of the messages we are taught as kids, such as Don’t hurt their feelings, Don’t make them angry, and Always be kind. It took several years for me to dispel the notion that I was the only one who didn’t know how to practice good boundaries. I felt uniquely flawed. Now I know just how flawed my thinking was.

On one clinical day, I saw three brilliant clients, including a rocket scientist, a medical doctor, and an IT genius. None had a clue what the concept of healthy boundaries meant. That day it clicked. I wasn’t the only one who lacked boundary knowledge. My perspective regarding just how encompassing boundary problems were shifted from the occasional individual to a viewpoint that suggested lack of boundary awareness is a silent, social, and emotional epidemic cancer. It is eating away at the core of so many people’s happiness and personal health as well as the health of their relationships. I began to see it a silent killer in society because it is the origin of so many other societal plagues, including domestic violence, alcoholism, depression, suicide, anxiety, and addictions of all kinds. When people lack boundaries, their health, both physical and mental, suffers greatly.

With bad boundaries comes significant stress. Stress causes more problems. People then mistakenly focus on the problem itself, which is just a symptom of the disease I like to call poor boundaries disease (PBD). The problem, in most cases, is addressed superficially, but the boundaries mostly go uncorrected, perpetuating an endless cycle of similar and reemerging problems. Worst of all, I noticed a domino effect. If one person has poor boundaries, he or she crosses someone else’s boundaries to make up for them. For example, a wife allows her husband to mistreat her or speak down to her. Feeling hurt, angry, and rejected, she may, in turn, unfairly scream at the kids.

Having now talked to hundreds of people about boundaries, my perspective regarding the scope of boundary struggles continued to shift from isolated individuals to a societal, community epidemic. Not one individual has said he or she hasn’t struggled with boundaries or isn’t currently struggling. I would venture to say that at least half lack boundary awareness altogether. One woman I spoke to said she didn’t have any significant boundary issues, but she was in a rush that day to meet her daughter’s realtor. Apparently, it was her responsibility to help her daughter buy a house. She failed to see she was overfunctioning, another classic boundary violation. On a personal note, I never heard of the concept of relational boundaries until my thirties, when my lack of awareness thrust the most egregious problem in my lap, and it would later end in court. We are clearly all in this boundary war together.

I’m going to provide you with a thorough understanding of what boundaries are exactly so you can look at any set of circumstances and quickly draw the line between what is your stuff and what is someone else’s. I’m going to tell you how to set boundaries, if you haven’t already done so, and how to strengthen them as well as how to do a course correction if you’ve had a boundary relapse of sorts. You will be well prepared since I will tell you what emotions you’re likely to experience, what urges you will likely have, and what type of reaction to expect from the other person. This knowledge will help you not only to set the boundary but also to stick it, since many people set the boundary but then retreat in some fashion.

This book is about full boundaries, not partial boundaries. I’m going to normalize your experience of the boundary war, letting you know that your struggle is not only real and appropriate for normal adult development but also essential to healthy, whole living. The struggle to develop boundaries is a sign not of an unhealthy individual but rather of a healthy one. If you’re struggling, then you’re striving to do better. I provide a list of fifty yes and no questions to prime your personal audit of your overall boundary health as well as a detailed twenty-stage boundary spectrum you can see yourself on. The spectrum provides a light at the end of the tunnel since it describes in detail what the highest level of boundary development entails, a boundary lighthouse of sorts.

I explain how personal insecurities act as a cancer to healthy boundaries. I explain how to address your insecurities once and for all, seeking one set of approvals versus multiple sets. I will explain how to look to yourself and God, rather than to man and society, for approval. I share with you details of my epic breaking point, the moment I fell to my knees and begged God for strength to set boundaries with a friend who utterly exhausted me, causing devastation to all areas of my life. I describe how this boundary crossing affected my ability to trust myself and other people.

I dissect the trust dynamic so you also may see how not having sufficient boundaries in past relationships may affect your current ones. I will tell you how to rebuild that trust where appropriate. I tell you what signs to look for in a habitual boundary crosser and how to properly vet the people you allow in your inner circle—essentially how to separate the wheat from the chaff and feel great about it. I will tell you how I overcame the anger I harbored toward myself since I was wrought with feelings of disgust, shame, and blame for what I deemed a personal failure. I will tell you how I used this anger as a vehicle to drive toward a closer connection with God, my values, and my loves ones, culminating in astounding personal change and growth.

I will also tell you all about how my deepened relationship with God served as the foundation, the muscle, the source of strength, love, and approval I desperately needed as I fought my boundary war. Lasting change without the ever presence of a higher power or God, I learned, was simply impossible. I will tell you how I learned to have a loving daily rapport with God and receive His mercy, encouragement, and love, all of which I needed if I was going to be victorious. And I share how I learned to give praise and thanks to Him and give that message with others. My hope is that your relationship with God or your higher power will grow after you have read my testimony of how I fought my boundary war.

I also give you a detailed outline of the boundary spectrum so you can see where you stand and how far you must go to achieve a healthy boundary status. Finally, I tell you how to do a course correction when you do have a boundary relapse or need to fix a current situation to include several practical tips.

This is my story about my struggle with boundaries. Hopefully, by sharing my ups and downs with you and providing you with all the knowledge you need to understand what healthy boundaries are and how to set them appropriately, you will also be a victorious Boundary Warrior.

CHAPTER 1

The Barn Came Burning Down

T HIS BOOK CAME TO me after several painful years of trial and error, misconceptions, false guilt trips, and people pleasing. I finally decided to take my life back after the worst of all situations, one that required me to get a restraining order on a so-called friend.

As a child, I watched for years as my mother acted as the sacrificial lamb, throwing herself on the people-pleasing altar and thinking of everyone but herself. This lifestyle killed her. Literally. She was overly exhausted, depressed, and dependent on unhealthy coping strategies. Neglecting serious health concerns, she suddenly passed away at age forty-nine.

Perhaps some of my boundary problems came from watching her model this behavior, I had stored up thirteen years of Catholic guilt having attended Catholic school. I was also taught, whether directly or indirectly, that if I didn’t put others first than I was essentially a bad person. I think, under normal circumstances and relationships, I fared pretty well; I maintained a healthy balance between having self-love and serving others, but the favorable results weren’t because I had sound relationship skills. They were simply because the people in my life were generally good people; however, when the going got tough, I failed miserably.

I found that when situations got heated, when relationships became demanding, or when there was an obvious need I could fill, I jumped right in, regardless of the effect on my marriage, self-care, or relationship with God. This occurred not because I wanted to but because I felt I had to.

Over time my values became twisted and distorted. Eventually the extent of the distortions reared its ugly head, culminating in a royal-sized bite on my backside. I was infected, so to speak, by the people-pleasing bug that said, If you were a really good person, you would do this for me. As a child, I had been taught not to hurt someone’s feelings, let people down, or anger others. I don’t recall anyone directly saying this to me, but family members, the church, teachers, and the like certainly modeled this—and I inferred lessons from their behavior as well.

There were so many wonderful aspects of my childhood. I was blessed with loving parents, who worked hard and sacrificed to send my siblings and me to Catholic school. However, the same distorted beliefs also infected my parents and made their lives much more difficult to manage and endure. They carried an invisible burden that reeked of shame, guilt, and people pleasing. They were filled with good intentions, but the distortions regarding boundaries were endlessly flawed. The cup of shame overflowed, and they continually fought to catch up and maintain the perfect image of Catholic parents.

Feelings of failure and incompleteness and the lack of personal fulfillment were as abundant as the amount of alcohol consumed. Even as a young teen, I recognized what a shame this was. I would think, Life shouldn’t have to be like this!

I unknowingly adopted many of these faulty beliefs and ways of existing that had been sold to my parents as children. It was that very foundation that would cause me such immense struggle and pain later in my adult life. It particularly affected my social life, and these false beliefs metastasized like a cancer spreading to all other areas of my life. I was on a sinking ship, and if I didn’t plug this hole permanently, I was going down, and everything in my life I loved dearly would drown right alongside me.

I was miserable, anxious, shame ridden, depressed, scared, lonely, and more. If I was ever going to be happy and healthy, I had to make some serious changes, consult with professionals, dive into self-help books, pray, study, commit to lots of therapy, and learn the very skills I hadn’t obtained as a child. Moreover, I had to learn to put them into action. It was a personal revolution. As Shauna Niequist commented in her book Present over Perfect, I was becoming a convert.²

Converting was the only chance I had to reclaim my life, live in agreement with God, make my life right sized, connect deeply with those I loved, and develop an accepting, kind, and loving relationship with myself.

Today I am a licensed professional counselor. Throughout this book, I draw on both my personal and professional experiences to convey the concept of healthy boundaries.

This book will help you identify the risks and common pitfalls in the area of boundary health. It will help you identify those risk factors unique