Through My Head: Essays by a Brain Injury Survivor

By Bradley M. Fralick

How would you react if you went to sleep one night, a young dentist beginning to build a successful practice to support your wife and two kids, and woke up fuzzily seven months later to find that you were a different person. You had a cast on your important right hand, not because it was broken, but because your brain wouldnt or couldnt send the signals to relax the muscles, and your hand tried to curl into a fist. Your right foot was pretty weak because your Achilles tendon had been cut and stretched, so that your foot wouldnt curl up like your hand. You had lost your sense of balance, and your mind wouldnt allow you to speak without repeating your words so fast that your tongue couldnt keep up, and people could no longer understand you without straining. You had difficulty making decisions, and you couldnt remember any decisions that you made. To make things worse, you saw two or three, or sometimes more images, and your brain wouldnt integrate them into one.

Brad Fralick woke up in this way in 1994. His practice had been sold, and his life was forever changed. This book is a record of his remarkable journey toward thinking clearly again. It might be called a book of short essays. It is actually a chronology of his thoughts. As Brad recovered, he initially had to write his thoughts down, because his short term memory was so bad that he couldnt sustain a thought train, and he couldnt communicate verbally. He couldnt straighten his right hand, and couldnt control his left hand well enough to write with pen or pencil, so he began to learn to type on a keyboard with one finger of his left hand. We encouraged him to write everything that went through his head, and he initially found it easier to write about a fictional character going through his own life experiences. Later, he began writing his views of politics, religion, and just about any aspect of life.

Writing was important to Brads recovery, but computer games have been even more instrumental. Contemporary research suggests that mental activities with many arbitrary, simple rules may help recovery of cognitive function. Have you ever heard of a more enlightened description of computer games? Hoping that a game or two would help put other broken brains back together, we set up a web site to present comments on games as a sort of mental gymnasium, or biofeedback treatment thats fun. Brad wrote a few game reviews, and then began to write about a fictional character Dr. Sgt. Milko, a dentist who was an enlisted man in the Army. As the fictional stories were written, Brad published them on this web site in chronological order, with most recent stories at the top of his table of contents.

These stories are collected in the second portion of this book "THE MILKO STORIES". They are published pretty much in reverse chronological order, newest stories first. Some make you laugh, some make you cry, and some just make you think. They each reveal a new aspect of the recovery of his brain. Surprisingly, many of the stories are of adventures that actually took place years ago as Brad was growing up. Brads long term memory was not impaired by his brain injury. Neither was his imagination.

Brad eventually began to publish his thoughts about contemporary life as a Traumatic Brain Injury survivor. He added a new section to his web site to publish these comments. The subject of his attention ranges from the wild fires that almost burned the Los Alamos national laboratory to his relationship with his son...

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jun 27, 2001
• ISBN: 9781477176702

Bradley M. Fralick

Brad Fralick's career as a Dentist ended in 1993 at 60 mph head-on into a boat. Doctors said: in the E.R. "He won't live 24 hours", during his 6 week coma "He'll always be a vegetable", after 7 months in a rehab hospital " He won't improve much, and will plateau after 1 or 2 years". All have proven wrong. He has recovered all of his cognitive abilities, and lives today in Auburn CA with his wife and two kids. Can't use his right hand., walks with a walker, speaks with a serious disability, and still sees double, but every aspect of his life is still improving. He uses his left hand to operate a trackball and one finger to operate the keyboard, but he net-surfs, plays games and sends email as fast as most. Through My Head is his first attempt to write about what he knows.

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Copyright © 2000 by Bradley M. Fralick, D.M.D..

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CONTENTS

PART ONE

LIFE IS DIFFERENT NOW

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!

WATCHING MY KIDS GROW UP WITHOUT ME!

LIFE!

WALKIN AROUN WI DOS TBI BLUES!

FATHER AND SON

QUOTES!

TV!

THE FRALICK FAMILY REUNION IN TAOS, NEWMEXICO!

ASCI WHITE, BLUE PACIFIC, AND BLUE MONSTER!

SO, YOU WANNA BE A MILLIONAIRE?

LIFE, LIBERTY & THE PURSUIT OF LIBERTY

THE ART OF MAKING FRIENDS!

MEMORY!

RACIAL PROFILING!

ARE YOU LISTENING OPRAH?

THE OVERDOG!

THE UNDERDOG

DEAD MAN WALKING!

LIVE MAN WALKING!

IS YOU READY?

INTELLIGENCE!

FIRE, FIRE!

THIS DAMN BRAIN INJURY

SOME CLARIFICATIONS NEEDED!

THE DAY MY MUSIC DIED!

MY OWN MAN!

THERAPY!

THE Y2K FIASCO!

MOB MENTALITY!

SUICIDE

WRITERS BLOCK!

THE COUNTER REVOLUTION

MY TAKE ON THE MEANING OF LIFE!

LIFE IS MUCH DIFFERENT NOW!

ASSTHOLE PHOTOGRAPHY

PRODIGAL!

A TRUE STORY NEEDED FOR REHABILITATION!

MORE REMINISCING!

CAN DO!

I GOT NO COMPLAINTS!

ZOLOFT

PART TWO

INTRODUCTION

GRENADA!

A CONVERSATION WITH ME!

SGT DR. MILKO GOES DIVING FOR ABALONE !

OLD FRIENDS!DR MILKO’S ADVENTURE ON THE TRUCKEE RIVER!

MILKO’S TRAVELS IN TIME!

MILKO TRIES HIS HAND AT WRITING!

MILKO GOES HORSEY RIDING IN TAOS, NM

MILKO GOES HORSEY RIDING IN SAN JOSE WITH YOSH

INDEPENDENCE DAY 19??

MILKO’S LIFE AS A TRUCK DRIVER!

MILKO DRIVES A DUMP TRUCK!

ASCI WHITE, BLUE PACIFIC, AND BLUE MONSTER!

THE FIGHT!

BREAKED ARROW!

TRAVIS!

SARGEANT MILKO AND HIS CAVITY FIGHTERS!

HALLUCINATION/ WORLD RECORD

IN THE BIG INNING

POETIC JUSTICE!

DOLORIS!

CATHLEEN!

HALLOWEEN 1969

2000 A SPACED OUT ODESSY MAN!

MEXICO CITY!

THIS BE SOME NEW STUFF!

SGT. DR. MILKO GOES TO HAWAII!

LIVING ON TULSA TIME

GREGOR

NICKNAMES FOR EVERYONE!

CORINNE/FRINNIE/BRAIN

ANGELS

SGT. MILKO WENT TO CRATER LAKE!

GREATNESS!

BA, BA, BA, BA, BARBARA ANNE!

GOLFING!

TRAILS!

BAPTISM

MARTIAN BUG CHRONICLES

BULLY FOR BILLY!

SOMETHING I’VE BEEN MEANING TO WRITE FOR A LONG TIME!

OOPS!

THE HIPPIE GENERATION!

THE DUKE

MACKERICHER STATE PARK

BRAD PROOF!

GRAMPA ROY

EVEN MORE INNER SPACE

GRANNY

EVOLUTION?

MILKO IN INNER SPACE

MORE INNER SPACE

ASHLEY

CHARLIE

CHAR & RILE

SPLEENLESS DAN’L SHEEP

MILKO WATCHES THE DEER AND THE ANTELOPE PLAY

HOW MILKO BROKE HIS BRAIN

BARRACUDAS ALL AROUND US I THINK

MILKO IN OUTER SPACE

SIERRA BABE

SAILING TO ANGEL ISLAND

PIRANHAS, PACUS, & OTHER WILD THINGS

YOU CAN’T GO BACK, YOU’LL GET LOST

SGT. DR. MILKO IN HIGHSCHOOL II

MILKO AND THE YMCA

ANOTHER GOOD MAN BITES THE DUST

MILKO AND THE COYOTE

NECESSITY IS THE MUTHA OF INVENTION

GASLESS IN YOSEMITE

FOOD DREAMS

MILKO SEES A UFO

FLATULENCE AMONG FRIENDS

SHIT HAPPENS

COMPUTER FRIENDS

DENTAL SCHOOL

REHAB

SLOPEYE

A FRIEND OF THE DEVIL

SIERRA WINDOWS

MILKO SKIS THE FRENCH ALPS

THE LIONS DEN

FUNERALS

CATCH & RELEASE

JOYRIDE

PIRS

SGT. DR. MILKO IN HIGHSCHOOL

APOLOGIA

To my loved/loving wife Barbara, and to my two beautiful children Charlie, and Ashley. I couldn’t have written this without your patience, and support.

PART ONE

THROUGH MYHEAD

LIFE IS DIFFERENT NOW

These pages are some random thoughts that float through my head while I sit at my computer. Would you let this guy work on your teeth?

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!

I can walk just about anywhere. I mean I’VE got two good legs, two good feet. I just have a broken head. In other words, I have no balance. Just walking ten feet without a cane or any aides such as a walker, is like walking on a TIGHTROPE across the Grand Canyon. I, always feel unsteady or like I’M going to lose my balance, a very uneasy feeling. Just like being drunk or high. This is my fault though because, I actually remember wishing, one day, when I was drunk or high, that I could feel that way all the time. While I don’t remember actually praying to keep that feeling, it came true as if I had prayed for it to happen. Now, I really believe in the power of prayer but, I’LL never wish even for things that I won’t really want in the future. So, be careful what you wish for.

WATCHING MY KIDS GROW UP WITHOUT ME!

That’s quite a long title for a short essay. So, I’M only gonna type a very few words. A very few words. There, I’M done. No, I’M not getting off that easy you say? Well, I really only typed that title to remind myself of what it was that I wanted to write about next. I wanted to tell y’all, what it’s been like these last seven years. So, I think I’LL tell ya now. It’s been like HELL, watching my kids grow up, turning into a wholesome young man and woman before my very eyes. Yet, not being able to actively participate in their lives. Oh sure, I’VE been around for them, but, I haven’t been able to really share in all the trials they’ve had nor the trials and tribulations they’re going through now. A lot of it is my own fault and I’M praying that someday, we’ll all be able to get together as a family and look back on these times and say REMEMBER WHEN DAD was all introverted, when he couldn’t drive. Like driving is gonna really make a difference. I know it’s not, but, I’VE just GOTTA do something besides sitting around here on my, slowly, getting fatter ass playing SOLITAIRE. But, it’s all there is TO do. Someday, someday!

LIFE!

Because, I’VE survived a coupla TBIs, I can’t blame GOD or anyone. I just feel the accident which left me brain injured was just that an ACCIDENT, an unfortunate turn of events, unrelated to me being a CHRISTIAN or was it. I think, possibly it happened, if you could say, GOD let it happen, and I GOD DID let it happen. However, one may ask why would GOD EVER allow anything as bad, painful, whatever, happen to someone whom is S’posedly a CHRISTIAN, good person? This question alone one would think wouldn’t be a very good witness for GOD as some might tend to think GOD is bad. However, what if GODhad more faith in someone like me? More faith in me, than I had in myself. What if His plan was for me to use what’s happened to me to bring others to even desire to know him? I’M slowly, thru what’s been going on in my life, beginning to get the idea that maybe, just maybe, THIS is His plan for me. I mean the accident which nearly killed me, while devastating, still left me with the ability to think, write even walk and talk. It coulda been much worse. But, it wasn’t. Some would say it woulda been more HUMANE if my life had just ended, but, it wasn’t. And I can’t get mad at GOD for that. Besides GOD’S not HUMAN. Just remember that!

WALKIN AROUN WI DOS TBI BLUES!

This here’s gonna be my attempt at writing a song! Maybe it’ll be a song which BOB DYLAN could sing. At least when I write it, I’M going to be writing it off key:>)} HEAH WE GO! THE WALKIN AND TALKIN TBI BLUES!

I’M a walkin and a talkin da blues.

I ainta walkin or talkin too well, sho nuff.

But, walkin AND talkin seems to be overrated.

Don much care for walkin o talkin no how.

Used to tho, can’t anymo so don like doin it no mo.

I’s feels all high all da time.

So, either gots to be in HEAVEN O HELL.

Can’t tell.

Maybe I’M in hell cuz everything in this world goin bad.

Altho, ever once in awhile I gets a glimpse of either something or someone beautiful .

So, maybe I’S in heaven.

Won know till I’S goes home.

Duz yuz knows whats I means by dats?

Why that’s what I think is gonna happen when we all die, because we all are going to die, physically, anyhow. Oh I imagine, some of us will live on forever, either SPIRITUALLY or with GOD in HEAVEN or maybe without GOD in HELL. But, one thing’s for sure the bodies we have now, we won’t have anymore. IF there’s one thing that SCIENCE CAN explain, it’s that our bodies will DECAY, or ROT if you will, and hopefully you will. Because, if you won’t then, why the hell are you even readin this stuff?

FATHER AND SON

I’M sitting here at in my computer, out here in my DOG HOUSE, listening to a CD of CAT STEVENS; the song in particular FATHER AND SON, makes me think of my own relationship with my son CHARLIE. I won’t call him CHARLIE/FRED anymore. That’s just something that’s kind of an inside joke, not really a joke but rather something which happened that I know he’s ready to forget. And I told the kids, I’D stop teasing and disrupting favorite TV shows by talking to the TV, stuff like that. So, whatever it was, I wrote I’M not gonna do anymore, well I’M not gonna do it. But, that’s left, what I wanted to write about here, was that I remember, it wasn’t long after my brain injury when I treated CHARLIE like I didn’t love him anymore. What a rotten thing to do to a kid barely seven, which just had his father practically killed, actually really killed for all that matters. If my DAD had said the kinds of things I’VE said to CHARLIE, I don’t know if I’D feel any different than the way CHARLIE’S felt for the last seven years. I can’t make up for what I’VE done other than to just stop the bad treatment, because, I DO LOVE him so much. And I want to say many of the words said in that song to CHARLIE. Especially as he gets older. I can’t really say anything but I’M SORRY. However, I know he’s getting sick of hearing that. However, I don’t know what else to do. Oh yeah, I also wanted to write this; Like it says in the song something about the father having to go away. Well, that reminded me of when, probably because I couldn’t seem to be able to treat CHARLIE like he should be treated like a gift from GOD which he is, I had to go away, live somewhere else in some apartments. That was the worst part of all of my rehabilitation. Oh we all said it was so I could be by myself.

Try to live on my own to see if I could be independent, that kind of thing, but, I know as well as anybody else the whole reason, I went away was just really to give CHARLIE a break from me. You know a DAD who couldn’t be a DAD. I did however, enjoy staying in the apartments. Except I hated it at the same time, not being near my family. That’s got to be the worst aspect of this whole rehabilitation thing. At least when I spend all day out here in my DOGHOUSE now, nobody’s usually home. And it’s my idea, plus I write little essays like this one. And I have some peace and quiet, so I can reflect on the things I’VE done in the past and maybe dream about the things I want to do in the future, like drive again.

QUOTES!

This little essay is about a quote I’VE always used. It’s not a famous quote because; I’M not famous. It’s just something, I guess that I’VE had to do, and I imagine many others will have to do at some point. The quote is this; EVERY MAN MUST DIG A DITCH AT SOME POINT IN HIS LIFE. Granted that’s not a very profound thing to say, but, I’M reminded of all the various ditches I’VE dug in my life. I’M not talking about using a BACK-HOE; I’M talking about using a PICK, SHOVEL, and/or HOE. Let’s see I’LL list here, I don’t know why, all the various ditches I’VE dug, plus some ditches others have dug which were pretty impressive to me. One ditch I’VE dug that really impressed me or that I’M particularly proud of, was a ditch for the foundation of our driveway bridge of our house on SARAHILLS CT in SARATOGA, CA. I dug that ditch as payment for wrecking my DAD’S 67 ALFA ROMEO GUILLA SPYDER when I was only fourteen or so. Remember MILKO GOES FOR A JOY RIDE! Well, I still haven’t fully paid for that one. Oh my dad thinks I have, but that was such a great car that’ll NEVER be the same. So, how can one fully repay something like that? I guess just having to live with the guilt of doing such a selfish, stupid thing is payment enough. But anyhow, another ditch, which I’M pretty proud of digging, was for FRENCH DRAIN I put in above the parking lot for my DENTAL OFFICE. There was an underground spring that went under or through the basement of our LINCOLN WAY house where my DENTAL OFFICE was built onto the side of. There was also a large amount of water, which naturally flowed through the ground where the parking lot was eventually put. In order to prevent water from flowing off the surface of the parking lot into the house probably flooding the basement, which already flooded every time it rained a lot, a FRENCH DRAIN needed to be put in to redirect the water. So I dug this, placing perforated drainage pipe in the ditch along the top of where the parking lot was to go. Then allowing regular drainpipe in the rest of the ditch. Eventually allowing the ditch to surface out in the middle of where the front lawn was to go. This set up worked fairly well. Oh the basement still floods whenever it rains hard but the SUMP PUMP in the floor of the basement takes care of that.

One more ditch, which I’M fairly proud of also, that doesn’t get used anymore. Is the ditch for my sign that told of my business as a GENERAL DENTIST. The sign itself is gone now, taken by the guy who bought my practice, even though it didn’t say anyplace in the sale contract that he was purchasing the sign. I mean it was ok for him to have his name painted on the sign. However, I bought, paid for, and put that sign in the ground myself. The sign itself now has his name on it announcing his business, and is still on LINCOLN WAY. And so now when I drive by it and see it, I can get all nostalgic knowing the history of that sign and how it proves my quote that at least, THIS man dug at least one meaningful ditch.

Now let me tell y’all about a very big ditch, my brother GREGOR/SLOPEYE dug. It was to hold the foundation wall of our house on SARAHILLS CT. This particular house had one big long wall foundation then about five to seven large redwood timbers or stilts supporting the rest of the house. The house being built on the side of a hill. Each redwood stilt was sunk into concrete in the ground. These concrete piers were such that they went straight down into the ground, with the concrete widening out underground. Thus holding them in the ground solid. This had to be a fairly deep wall, I imagine, and I was very impressed that my older brother and one of his friends dug this ditch with only a PICK AXE, and SHOVEL. Well, all this writing about digging ditches is making me tired. So, I think I’LL stop and go take a nap. G’day!

TV!

I don’t know when or why TV was invented. All I know is it was around when I was born. Granted I’VE seen the advent of COLOR TV, but as a kid I can remember when TV was only black and white. Boy or girl, when color TVs came out, it was fantastic. Now, everyone owns one. I don’t think they even make B&W TVs anymore. Oh they probably do somewhere, but I don’t know where. TV has seen a lot of changes over the years in its use mostly, also in it’s size. Many people have BIG SCREEN TVs nowadays. I’M thinking of getting one myself for my house of course. I basically grew up watching TV. Why I remember shows like I LOVE LUCY, THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW, and every SUNDAY we, our whole family would plop down on the living room floor to watch WALT DISNEY, ED SULLIVAN, MISSION IMPOSSIBLE, MUTUAL OF OMAHA’S WILD KINGDOM.

THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW, THE SMOTHERS BROTHERS SHOW, and LAUGH IN were some others, and those were just a few. Many of those shows are still on. However, I’M sure today’s family watches many different shows. In my, not so humble opinion, the content has gone way downhill. Oh you can still find family shows like WALT DISNEY, and things like the DISCOVER CHANNEL. However, you also find shows like, an older one called MARRIED WITH CHILDREN which has only been ruining, I think, our minds for maybe the past ten or fifteen years, or some new show called SHASTA MCNASTY. And of course there’re some others, which have equally bad sounding names, but I can’t see how a show called SHASTA MCNASTY could ever be popular. The name alone sort of dooms it. Then you have all the shows about EXTRATERRESTRIAL beings or nearly impossible things, which occur. Seems like these shows are taking advantage of a culture, which has reached its peak. In other words our culture has no more milestones to reach for. Seems like we have no vision anymore. In other words we all have too much time on our hands. Now, this can’t be true, you say, just look at the fact that teams of scientists are mapping the HUMAN GENOME or at least all the building blocks of the genome, all the chemical compounds atoms, and molecules which make up the HUMAN GENOME. Now, THAT I think is a MILESTONE to mark this time period. Whatever time period historians will note this as. It’ll probably be known as the turn of the millennium inventions or something profound like that. Well, I just wanted to put here in writing; my observations of this thing we all take for granted called TV. However, I’ve only touched on the generalities of TV, I have yet to write about the negatives of TV.

I’LL now write about the negative aspects of TV. First of all watching TV is something us AMERICANS, and many other countries in the world, do as a PAST TIME in other words we watch TV when we have nothing else to do. However it’s my again, not so humble opinion, that the very reason we lack vision of how we can better our world, is because we spend too much time engaging in our PAST TIME. I KNOW when I was in high school the one of the main reasons I did so poorly besides the fact that I cut class a lot, was because I watched way too much TV. I remember watching shows like GILLIGANS ISLAND, GET SMART, sometimes THE AVENGERS, etc. I eventually quit watching so much TV about the time I decided to really buckle down and get serious about my life, which meant getting serious about my education. I watched some TV when I was in DENTAL SCHOOL. However, I don’t remember watching TV at all when I was in school at UCSB, probably I think only because there weren’t any good stations in SANTA BARBRA, CA at least we never really watched any TV, I don’t even remember if we had one. Either that or we were all very studious I know I was. The only thing I remember taking time for was my TROPICAL FISH HOBBY, and to go up to LAS

CUMBRES PEAK in my TOYOTA CORONA station wagon, the one with a missing front fender. I treated it like a JEEP I used to go up to LAS CUMBRES PEAK overlooking SANTA BARBARA, and watch the HANG GLIDERS launch and soar out over SANTA BARBARA. Anyway, back to TV. I DID however, watch TV in TULSA in DENTAL SCHOOL. I even picked up the habit of watching such shows as PERRY MASON, THE FUGITIVE, and eventually DR. WHO. DR. WHO was my favorite that’s why I’VE used his character here in my SGT. MILKO adventures. He’s a good character as I can have him go or do almost anything SGT. MILKO does. I love it. Now, I’VE written a bit about TV some of the positives as well as some of the negatives of watching it, mostly negatives. However, there’re many who just refuse to watch TV altogether. I think that’s great. TV, to use an expression from my son, is kinda sucky.

THE FRALICK FAMILY

REUNION IN TAOS,

NEWMEXICO!

We, the FRALICKS just had an excellent family reunion in TAOS, NEWMEXICO. We all had a great time while there and, cousin KYM organized it. We GOLFED, MOUNTAIN BIKED, WHITE WATER RAFTED, RODE A TROLLEY CAR TOUR BUS. And just basically did a lot of shopping for such things as Native American JEWELRY, POTTERY, and what have you. I bought two rings, both big enough for my middle finger. One, which was exactly like one, I had bought 15 years earlier at the NEWMEXICO State fair in ALBEQUERKIE. This ring which is to be worn on the middle finger of either hand has a red CARDINAL on it. The CARDINAL is made out of CORAL I assume sitting on a branch or tree limb made of some greenish type of stone, possibly TOURQOISE. Anyhow, what’s so exciting about this ring, aside from the fact that if I so desire and get angry with someone which is highly unlikely, I can just hold up my hand with the bird sitting up right on the branch, and say HEY BUDDY READ BETWEEN THE LINES, is the fact that it’s the exact same ring I bought 15 years ago. Essentially, I’D be flipping the person off by just holding up my hand. Well, you say why not just flip the person off. Well, that’s easier said than done. Especially, with my RIGHT hand. Because of the TBI I survived, I have a very, very hard time contorting my fingers into THAT shape. Hence, it’s a lot easier to just hold my hand up and politely ask the person to read between the lines.:>}

I also bought another ring, again a large ring. This one however, has a BEAR CLAW on it, inlaid also, this time in TOURQOISE. I bought this ring because it was the INDIAN name of my UNCLE BUMPS’ son. He also made jewelry and sold it as well as other INDIAN jewelry. Since his INDIAN name was BEARTOES really STANLEY BARTOS I thought if I wore this ring, I would be reminded of STANLEY. Whom, I think died of HEPATITIS just after the one and only time I ever met him. I only know that he, at some point made or ran a jewelry store in WINDOW ROCK, AZ. However, I’M not real sure of this. However, I do remember that he had a NAVAHO wife. His father’s name was STANLEY also, except everyone called him BUMPS. I guess, because he was always getting in and out of SCRAPES, apparently he led a very adventurous life. As a matter of fact I remember