Bedtime Vignettes

By M K Agarwal

The book covers a variety of subjects from everyday life in a literary, provocative and lucid style. The topics extend from ‘Seductions of the Bed’, ‘Travails of a Neighbour’, ‘The Lure of Junk’, ‘Celebrating Retirement Day’, etc., and on to ‘Dangerous Delights’.

The treatment is intended to entertain the reader and not to cause him the fatigue of close attention. It is the hope that after he has spent an exhausting day in office or business, the reader will discover in this book some measure of good cheer. But not only at bedtime; he will find in it a good companion whenever he is looking for some leisurely reading – whether on a trip, vacation or weekend holiday.

The reader may, as the saying goes, take one sip at a time, that is, go through one piece. But if he be so inclined, he may ingest, with pleasure and profit, more in one sitting.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Partridge Publishing India
• Release date: Apr 8, 2014
• ISBN: 9781482820539

M K Agarwal

M.K. Agarwal (known as Maharaj Krishan to his relatives and close friends) received his college education at D.M. College, Moga (Punjab). He did civil engineering from Indian Institute of Technology, Kharagpur (India). Through an all-India competitive examination by Union Public Service Commission (UPSC) in 1960, he was appointed to the Indian Railway Service of Engineers (IRSE), and posted to Eastern Railway, Kolkata. In another examination held at about the same time by Punjab Public Service Commission for recruitment to class I service of three branches of Public Works Department (PWD) of the state of Punjab (then comprising present Punjab, Haryana, and much of present Himachal Pradesh), he stood first; in fact, he was the only candidate to clear the written examination and to be called for the interview. He resigned from the railways, and joined Punjab PWD as direct class I officer. On re-organisation of the state of Punjab in 1966, he was allocated to the new state of Haryana, where he rose to the rank of Engineer-in-Chief with effect from 1986. For long years he headed the state PWD (Building & Road), and retired on superannuation in 1994. He was elected President of Indian Roads Congress for the year 1992-93. In recognition of his service to the profession, the Congress, in 2016, conferred upon him Lifetime Achievement Award. Many a time, he was called upon to act as arbitrator, dispute review expert to adjudicate upon construction related disputes between the contractors and various government bodies, which he did with due diligence and probity. Besides the present book of literary essays, he wrote the following monograph and treatise: • ‘Roads in the Service of the Nation’: Indian Roads Congress (1994; pp 46) • ‘Urban Transportation in India’: Indian National Academy of Engineering (1996; pp 272) Further, he was commissioned to prepare the drafts of the following manual/code, which, after vetting by the concerned steering committee, came to be published in the years mentioned against them: • ‘Manual of Works’: National Highways Authority of India, Govt. of India (2006; pp 314) • ‘Haryana PWD Code (2009)’: Government of Haryana (2009; pp 262). This is a premier publication of its kind in the country. His interests are English literature and Urdu poetry.

Book preview

SEDUCTIONS OF THE BED

Some seek bread as their foremost want; many seek power and fame; others, wealth and ease. But all – irrespective of age, sex, race or community – seek the bed. There is no doing without it, neither for the mendicant nor the king. Its ubiquity, indispensability and irresistibility are amazing. Bed is the very symbol of life, and comprehends every phase of man’s existence, all his passions and emotions, afflictions and joys.

For, isn’t it true that in bed we are born, in bed we live and in bed we die? Don’t we laugh and enjoy in bed, and also cry and sob in bed? A woman achieves her fulfilment in bed when she gives birth to her child, forgetting all the labour pangs. It is here that lovers experience the ecstasy of togetherness, the warmth of intimacy, the rapture of love and its consummation. Their bed itself becomes animated and joyous – it heaves and sighs, bends and murmurs, as if in response to their own frenzy. Bed is also the kindred refuge of the ill and the suffering. Those who breathe their last in bed take their final respite here before they commence their journey for life hereafter. Bed is the place of repose and comfort for worn-out bodies. Says Hood:

"O bed, O bed, delicious bed,

That heaven on earth to the weary head."

For distraught minds it is a retreat from the outside world and its activity, hypocrisy, and wheeling and dealing. Lin Yutang has remarked that after you have gone through a strenuous day; after you have met all your friends who tried to crack trite and silly jokes; after you have received all the sermons intended to improve your performance, rectify your conduct and improve your soul; after you have interviewed all the people who thoroughly got on your nerves; after you have dined and wined to you heart’s content, what you need is complete relaxation – physical as well as mental. Where to find it, except in bed?

For people who love solitude, peace and contemplation, nothing is more conducive, nor more fascinating, than bed. With muscles at rest, nerves calm, respiration steady, concentration is deep and more absolute. It has been observed that nine-tenths of world’s most important discoveries – both scientific and philosophical – are come upon when one is curled up in bed. So much of immortal poetry, exalted thought, and sublime writing are benedictions of the bed. The thinker, the inventor, and the man with originality can get more inspiration and ideas by one hour in the bed than by endless sittings before the desk. In the absence of distractions (no visitors, no telephones and no secretaries) the high executive, stretched out comfortably in his bed, can ponder over the day’s achievements, mull over yesterday’s mistakes, and chalk out his strategy for the day that lies ahead.

Innumerable are the seductions of the bed, and variegated its charms. This is what Napoleon says: "The bed has become a place of luxury to me! I would not exchange it for all the thrones in the world." We have all experienced that some of our best moments are spent in bed. Parents and children both look forward to bedtime stories – the former with love and encouragement, the latter with anticipation and excitement. All good music is enjoyed in the lying posture. Idle rumination in bed, without straps and buckles on the body or the mind, is so very soothing. There is, after all, such a thing known as sacred idleness, the cultivation of which is everybody’s duty.

In bed, while dreaming, one sees the accomplishment of one’s unfulfilled aspirations and repressed desires. Dreams may range from the normal and ordinary to the overly surreal and bizarre. The caressing tenderness experienced in dreams by a person in love can be truly remarkable as observed by Maupassant: "Which of us in these palpitating slumbers has not held, clasped, embraced, and possessed with extraordinary acuteness of sensation the person with whom our minds were occupied?"

Then, a hot cup of bed-tea cheers the spirit and prepares you better for the chores ahead. And to browse the morning newspaper, as you sip your tea, is supremely satisfying. The gratification you get by having your breakfast in bed, especially on a holiday, is not easily described. But the proviso is that you should have a good servant or an obedient wife (or, a husband who can cook and serve, uncomplainingly).

And how pleasure-some to close a book at midnight in the bed, on a scene of splendour and glory, thrill and adventure, wonder and delight! How ravishing to roam with the author, in the stillness of night, on the bylanes of passion and intrigue, suspense and mystery, or the highway of rise and fall of empires! In the bed, you keep company with the mighty minds of old; with them you take delight in weal and seek relief in woe. Even if you are not reading or doing anything in particular, it is delicious moment, certainly, says Leigh Hunt, that of being well nestled in bed and feeling that you shall gently drop to sleep.

But it is a paradox that while we go to bed with pleasure, we quit it in the morning with regret. Those last few minutes in bed are so very intoxicating and deliriously blissful. It is ambrosial, indeed, to turn over and go to sleep again, just for five more minutes. One wrenches oneself from seductive embrace of the bed with effort and a heavy heart.

As I write the concluding part, quietude of the late hour, heaviness of the lids, and a feeling of languor are creeping over me. Consciousness is on the wane; there is a gradual dulling of the perceptions. The bed is beckoning me, temptingly. To ignore the call would mean restlessness, as in love spurned. I must, therefore, dear reader, take leave and slip into my bed, and then into the world of sleep, dream and bliss. Adieu!

WOMEN AS SHOPPERS

Men, when idle, often don’t know what to do with themselves. They may go to the theatre, visit the library, take to the peg, stand at the street corner and stare, or just feel lost. Very soon, time begins to hang heavy on their hands. Women, however, have no such problem – they can merrily do some knitting, prepare the next meal, exchange dainty news of the day with the housewife next door or, best of all, go for shopping. The last-mentioned pursuit is exactly after their heart. It gives them time ‘out’, a break from the tedium of home, and unbounded pleasure of saving money while spending it, when, occasionally, by their cleverness, they are able to ‘steal’ a bargain.

Men are considered to be rather laid-back in the matter of shopping. They prefer the relative safety of the one-stop shop instead of facing the drudgery of hopping from one store to the other, or standing the tyranny of choice. They seem to lack patience, tolerance, and that relaxed mood and easy attitude, which are the basic requirements or the sine qua non of shopping. It is a lovely art to be indulged in with delight and not as a dry ritual. So specific are most men about their demands that once the item of their choice has been spotted, their mind is made up. They have no inclination left to ramble further or suffer the persuasions and inducements of the shop assistant. Suggest haggling to them and they are simply flummoxed! Their immediate instinct is to grab the piece before another eager hand pinches it, pay up, and run out.

In sharp contrast, women are more collected and methodical in their approach. They go about their shopping excursion with much verve and vigour. Their first reflex is of course window-shopping, i.e., moving around the corridors of a market without buying. The best products, fresh arrivals, the latest gizmos, and whatever is in vogue – are all there on display. The brand names and price tags make identification and comparison easy enough. With an ice cream cone to lick on, in one hand, a respectable purse in the other, and a nonchalant air about the whole countenance, they amble along leisurely – peeping animatedly into the windows, sucking in ideas, gathering information, and preparing notes. The second step is to visit the shops they have short-listed, check on the quality and price, and carefully study the design, style, fashion and other features of the product. This, it should be understood, is just a reconnaissance, and carries no commitment on their part to buy – no amount of protestations of the salesmen about their time and labour coming to naught can deter these discerning creatures from their plan. After they have ascertained what is available, where, and at what price, they are ready to take the great and final step of buying. The concluding part of the expedition carries its own thrill, for it brings out the best of bargaining skills and gift of repartee of women.

Tele-shopping and buying on line are becoming increasingly popular these days. Women may resort to them if they want to order regular supplies like butter, cheese, sugar, pulses, stationery, etc. But where appraisal, comparison and selection are involved, there is no substitute for a personal visit to the bazaar. The feel and touch of the article, and its examination from different angles, are most rewarding. In the case of apparel, even a trial may become imperative. Then, only in the fashion gallery, can these women have their tryst with branded jewelry, celebrity tastes, designer creations, and those exquisite models to get to appreciate and learn how to dress in style and bring out their figure to its best advantage. The lingerie (like bras, chemises and panties), which is the ultimate wear in femininity, and the source of that close and intimate comfort, can be picked only after careful inspection. After all, it is the outfit that makes them fit to be seen and heard at a party. There is also the added pleasure of haggling and striking a shrewd deal. Consider the following dialogue between a woman customer and the dealer:

I seem to like that sofa with the red, flowery tapestry. How much will you charge for it?

Madam, you have selected one of the finest pieces in our store. Its price tag is twenty thousand rupees. And kindly be assured, our prices are fixed and most reasonable.

Every dealer says so; just tell me how much I am expected to pay?

Sorry, madam, there’s no scope of lowering the price. Nowhere else will you get such good and genuine stuff any the cheaper.

I know that baloney: will you accept fifteen thousand?

For heaven’s sake, madam, we have our families to feed and our business to run. But as we believe in long-term relationship, I will make an exception in your case, and charge eighteen thousand. Such rare pieces end up only in the home of a connoisseur.

Well, tastes and budget differ from person to person. My maximum offer is sixteen thousand, not a penny more.

Seventeen thousand would have to be my bottom price; you may take it or leave it, as you please, says the dealer in a tone of finality.

O.K. I’ll take it, but on the condition that the cost of carriage will be to your account.

Who is the victor is difficult to say. Since both feel elated, the sense of gratification and pride of victory must lie in the mind. But one must give credit to the resolute lady for fighting every inch of her ground, where her man would have felt bewildered and probably lost in the very first round.

Then, women are most careful to scout for the gala sales, bargain offers, annual clearances, festival bonanzas, gift coupons, off-season discounts, and other such attractions. There are glaring ads in the newspaper, and blaring publicity campaign on the TV to entice the buyers with mega deals – ‘Double your cooking pleasure; get world class electric kitchen chimney free on purchase of cooking range’… ‘Buy more for less’… ‘At Ebony Store carry 25% less in your wallet’… etc. Women are not the one to miss on these offers; they are at once keen to take advantage of the opportunity while it lasts. Many a time it may happen that the stuff they buy is not immediately wanted, but the temptation of acquiring goodies at throw-away price is not easy to resist. There are stories that the price of the freebie is already factored in, or that the manufacturers off-load substandard stuff that will not sell on its own. But the trained eye can distinguish the genuine offer from the sham, and the savvy and experienced women know how to make a killing, without getting cheated.

To win the customers, the businessmen come up with fantastic exchange offers – ‘Replace your old washing machine with the fully automatic new model’ … ‘Bring your black and white TV and carry a coloured one of your choice’ … ‘Drive home a new Lancer in exchange for your old car’. Fabulous, indeed! Women know fully well what new gadget in the home needs to be acquired and an old one discarded or replaced. It is a pity, though, that no offer has yet been made to replace a battered, faded and second-rate husband with a modern, richer and more handsome one. The entrepreneurs could hope to have roaring business for, sure enough, there would be a beeline of anxious women wanting to barge in and avail the offer before the stock is out.

Not all women are alike in their preferences and palette of options. The high-heeled like to go only to the fashionable mall, the most chick boutique, or the export lane of the superbazar. They are loath to rub shoulders with the sundry folk in downtown market; even to be spotted in these surroundings would be a scandalous thought. They would rather take the bother of driving miles to their favourite store, even if they want to pick up some savoury, or the lowly starch, and plain tea. The less endowed of course find the ambience of the neighbourhood market quite soothing. Here they feel at ease, and can move about without inhibition. Moreover, this is the place to get hold of wire sponges to cleanse the kitchen utensils, plastic clips to dry the laundry, a mousetrap, or shining tinsel for the kid.

Then there are those opulent, exuberant women who go hunting for the foreign goods, especially the beauty creams, shampoos, moisturisers, facial masks, anti-blemish lotions, nail paints, lipsticks and other accessories to refine and define their features. The less fortunate ones look for the local makes, or Made in China labels.

However, these individual biases and predilections do not, in any way, detract from the basic assertion, namely, the fascination the female species, in general, have for shopping. If the way to a man’s heart, according to an old axiom, lies in appeasing his taste buds, that to a woman’s is through the satiation of her shopping instinct.

Finally, a word of advice to men! They must be careful never to ask the wife where the money has gone; it would be so very mean and boorish on their part. They would do well to remember the following lines of Robert Frost:

"Never ask of money spent

Where the spender thinks it went.

Nobody was ever meant

To remember or invent

What he (she) did with every cent."

IFS’ OF LIFE AND HISTORY

Everybody is familiar with the ‘If, only if’ syndrome, signifying, inter alia, wish, condition, or supposition. How it affects, or might have affected, human behaviour and history is a very fascinating study. Let us take a brief glimpse of a large canvas.

The ‘wishful’ form, here the yearnings of a student lotus-eater, may run something like this. If I beat the whimsicality of the examiners, I should pass the examination with high merit…If the chairman of the selection committee were somewhat favourably disposed, my appointment as a lecturer is quite certain… If I come by an appropriate topic of research and a benevolent guide, I could hope to get PhD… If luck smiles on me just one more time, I might win the hand of the Vice Chancellor’s daughter... then, status, wealth, promotions and bliss would all be mine. It is such like pipe dreams that gave birth to the famous adage: If wishes were horses, we would verily ride them to the devil.

Here is another wish, this time from a well-meaning patriot. If the leaders of the country were not so power hungry and hypocritical; if the citizens had better civic awareness and concern for fellow beings; if the religious preachers and caste zealots gave up a bit of their bigotry and stridency; if corruption was to be regarded as a taboo rather than being embraced and made a way of life – India would be a great country, a powerful nation. A utopian vision, but oh to God, it may see fulfillment!

Let us next hear a bachelor’s wail. The world would be a much better place to live in if only the wedded couples were not so frightfully overbearing and contemptuous in their attitude towards the unmarried people; if they were not to suspect every passerby of secretly ogling at them; if these worthies were not to flaunt their children as some uncommon specimens of humanity; if the tiffs and squabbles in their own life were not to become moments of anxiety for the hapless neighbours; if.... The man has our sympathy, but who can say that he will not come out with another wish list if and when he himself chooses to enter wedlock?

In the above, ‘if’ has been used to satisfy the subconscious desires in fantasy. The usage of the term to express a ‘condition’ is even more interesting. An example would illustrate. Gender equality is much talked of but, truly speaking, in a male dominated society, the concessions man gives to woman are hedged by many ‘ifs’. As McIntyre says: "Nobody objects to a woman being a good writer or sculptor or geneticist, if, at the same time,