Conscience Choice

By Rachelle Langston

A Story of Suffering, Struggle,
Redemption and Survival
The outcry of screams radiates through
the house. The walls vibrate with the sounds
of a crashing body. This familiar scene causes
fourteen-year-old Shane to shiver, and his heart
to pound. Shane and his sixteen-year-old sister
Shauna have dealt with the abuse of their stepfather, John, for
as long as they can remember. They grow weary of the beatings
but have no place to run until a doleful twist of fate changes their
lives. One cold winter night John decides his stepchildren can no
longer live in his house. Hes grown tired of feeding another mans
kids. Homeless, Shane takes aggressive steps to survive. Shauna
learns that Shane has contacts she knew nothing about. The most
powerful is, Basim, a drug king pin. Basim takes Shane under his
wing and teaches him every area of the business. Shane throws
himself into his work. Hes known on the streets as Youngblood,
a crazy young cat filled with rage. He grows more ruthless as time
passes, that is, until he meets his Conscience.
Told in the poignant voice of Shane, we watch as he
grapples with the physical and emotional aches of learning
to trust and accept love in the midst of constant heartache
and pain.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Nov 21, 2011
• ISBN: 9781465372055

Book preview

CHAPTER 1

I pulled the covers tightly over my ears but I could still hear the screaming. I buried my face in the pillow but the sounds grew louder. Finally, there was silence. I closed my eyes and braced myself for the evil on the other side of the wall. I jumped as my bedroom door flew open like a clap of thunder. I could smell the alcohol even before he staggered to my bed. My next memory is flying through the air and landing hard on top of the nightstand. I felt a warm wetness trickle down the side of my face. My ears rang and my head spun. I kept reaching for something anything to help me get to my feet, but like in a dream, nothing felt real or solid.

I scrambled on the floor, trying to avoid the kicks and punches, silent because crying only made it last longer. He grabbed my arm and dragged me out of the room. I tried to cover my head but I still hit the doorway on the way out. We headed toward my sister’s room and I heard the usual you lil’ bastard and that lil’ bitch. This was a routine in our house. It happened at least once a week, sometimes more. How many times all depended on what kind of drunk my stepfather, John was going to be that day, but I don’t care how often you get your ass kicked you never get used to it. For me the worst part was hearing my mother scream.

We made it to the door of my sister’s room and John’s voice was bouncing off the walls. He kicked the door open and threw me on the floor. I raised my head and through blurred vision, I tried to find my sister. My eyes scanned the room and I saw what looked like a life-sized rag doll. My heart beat so loud that John’s rambling sounded like an echo from far away. Everything around me froze and I could have sworn time stopped. I dropped my head into my hands and for the first time in my life, I talked to God. Then I heard a muffled cry. I saw my sister Shauna sit up and the muffled cries turned into hysterical screams. She held her head and rocked back and forth. I tried to jump up and run to her but I couldn’t move. Her cries hurt my heart. I made another desperate attempt to move. This time I managed to get to my knees. From there everything sped into fast forward and within seconds, we were both crashing into the wall.

You have until I load my gun to get the fuck out my house, John said.

My legs were tingling but I grabbed Shauna’s hand and we ran as fast as we could. The house was pitch-black, but we made it down the stairs and out the door. We didnt stop running until we were several houses away. I was gasping for air, so I tried leaning forward with my hands on my knees, anything to get air into my lungs. The cold from the ground was already soaking through my bare feet.

Are you okay? Shauna asked. I was shivering so bad she probably thought I was having a seizure.

I’m fine. Just cold. I looked at my sister’s face. The tears were freezing on her skin. I reached for her hand. Come on let’s head for the storage.

We walked for what felt like miles before reaching the alley-way that led to an old storage shed. There was once a house in front of the storage, but it was torn down years ago. Over the last few months we borrowed blankets, candles and cigarette lighters from our house and hid them inside the storage. When you were thrown out as often as we were, you learned to prepare. Once inside we draped the blankets over our shoulders and lit the candles for light. The floor of the shed was mostly dirt and the wind whistled through the small cracks in the walls, but it felt like an oven inside compared to the winter cold outside. Shauna’s eyes were red and there was a fresh stream of tears running down her cheeks.

Shane?

Yeah.

How much longer can we keep going through this?

I don’t know, I mumbled. We’ll talk about it tomorrow, for now let’s just try to keep warm. We snuggled up close.

I put my arms around her and rocked back and forth. Shauna was sixteen, two years older than me. She was short and petite, and I was tall and lanky. Still, everyone said they could tell we were brother and sister because we looked so much alike. We both inherited a long Indian-like nose, a cocoa complexion and thick wavy hair. I was Shauna’s kid brother, but I’d always felt it was my job to look after her, especially with the way John would look at her when he thought no one was paying attention. But I always paid attention. My sister finally fell asleep. I sat there and watched the candles flicker. Surviving was a way of life for us, it was the only life we knew.

My mother married John when I was a baby. Our real father died before I was born. We thought John was our father until we got older and could understand the things he’d say when he was drunk or mad. My mom had four more kids after they were married, but whenever they argued, which was often, he would end the argument with Shauna and me. We got beat up or kicked out the house, sometimes both. If we happened to be asleep, he’d just wake us up. In the winter, I believe I’d have preferred the beating, but deep inside I knew Shauna was right. We couldn’t keep living like that much longer. I felt like almost anything was better than foster care or group homes. They were all a joke, a bunch of greedy muthafuckas trying to get paid. Besides, I knew they wouldn’t keep Shauna and me together. The idea of never seeing my sister again made my heart heavy, so I shook my head to get rid of the thought.

The candles dwindled into puddles and I fell asleep. We woke the next morning our bodies stiff and sore. My head felt ten times too big and it took a few minutes for me to focus. Shauna’s back hurt and she had a huge bruise on her leg. We looked as though we had been in a war, and in some ways we had. Eventually we made our way outside. The trees and grass were covered in snow, and there was a refreshing smell in the air, a strange stillness. I had the feeling something would be different that day.

We headed back toward our house, not saying a word all the way. Knowing the routine, we went to the back door and knocked. My mother opened the door. Her face was swollen and she was holding her hand over her mouth. We started up the stairs.

Hold on, my mother said, her tone casual. You two need to pack some clothes. You can’t stay. We looked at each other then back to mom; puzzled. She went on, your father’s under a lot of pressure right now. He can’t handle two extra kids.

My heart dropped to my stomach. I stood there stunned. In the past, I had always defended my mom. I tried telling my sister that what was happening wasn’t her fault. Maybe I was trying to convince myself, but at that moment, none of that mattered. I looked at Shauna. She was losing control.

But Mom, what are we suppose to do? She cried. We’re kids. We’re your kids.

My mother looked at my sister, her hands on her hips.

You gonna have to hustle, she said, waving her hand in the air. There’s nothing I can do. John said you gotta go. Pack whatever clothes you want, just make it quick.

We went upstairs to pack. Shauna was crying non-stop.

Get your clothes. We’ll be okay, I told her. I’ll take care of you. That seemed to calm her down.

We packed our clothes and I listened while my younger brothers and sisters played and laughed in the hallway. I couldn’t remember ever laughing like that. I had always tried to be invisible and not bring attention to myself. I was afraid to laugh and always afraid to cry. I stood there lost in a trance. Then I heard my sister’s voice.

Shane, where will we go?

Don’t worry. I have a plan.

I went to my closet, knelt down and lifted the loose floorboard. I picked up the folded sock hidden beneath and carefully placed the board back onto the floor. That sock held all the money I had saved the past summer. I did all kinds of things to make money. I made chump change running errands and making deliveries, but I almost always doubled that money at a crap game. Shooting dice was a mastered art for me and I never spent a dime. I kept hustling and stashing. I guess I always knew the day would come when my mother would make her choice.

I slipped on a pair of jeans, put on two pairs of socks and my boots. I stuffed about $200 in my pocket and the rest I put in my backpack. Shauna was kneeling down trying to tie her boots, but her hands were shaking too bad. I got on my knees, tied her boots and told her let’s go.

I could hear my mother’s voice downstairs. Shauna, Shane, you better hurry. John will be back soon.

We walked back down the stairs and into the kitchen. My mother opened the back door, while nervously looking toward the front door. We left that day without my mother making another sound. She didn’t say be careful, take care, or goodbye.

We walked to the nearest bus stop, each carrying a backpack with all our belongings. We didn’t have gloves and our coats were thin, but our boots were still in good condition so that kept our feet warm. I told Shauna that we would go to the projects so I could speak with Basim. Her eyes got big.

Basim? The projects? Shane are you crazy? We—

We’re in a desperate spot, I interrupted. Our own mother doesn’t care about us and I’m not gonna live in a cardboard box downtown like a bum. We’re gonna survive. But I can’t do it without you, a’ight?

Okay, she sniffled. What do you want me to do?

Just what you’re doing now Shon, be here for me.

Our bus finally arrived. We stepped on and I paid our fares. Shauna had never been to the projects before, so during the ride I explained how she should act.

First of all, I told her, look straight ahead. Don’t make eye contact with nobody. You don’t say a word. I’ll do all the talking. And try not to act all nervous. Niggas could think you’re a nark or something. She nodded as if she understood. She gave me a look filled with questions. I knew what she was thinking, how did I know so much about all this. I looked out the window. I would tell her everything when the time was right. I knew she was scared so I gave her hand a gentle squeeze. We rode for about twenty more minutes before reaching our stop. We got off the bus and walked another block. There was a bunch of young jokers hanging on the corner. I could almost hear my sister’s heart beating.

It’s okay, I whispered.

Once we got a little closer, I recognized one of the jokers, a nigga named Goldie. I guess he got his name because of all the gold he wore. He had so much gold in his mouth that you could hardly understand a word he said.

Before long I heard a lisped, Hey Youngblood, what you doin’ down here so early?

It was Goldie. I turned to him stone-faced. I’m looking for Basim.

He took a long puff from his blunt, then passed it to the joker beside him.

He should be at the café having breakfast by now, Goldie said, trying to hold his breath and talk at the same time.

Aight man, thanks. We slapped hands and I started back on my trail. Shauna followed.

As we headed for the café, I could hear Goldie telling his boys, That’s a crazy lil’ nigga right there.

I looked straight ahead, but I could still see Shauna staring at me out the corner of my eye. We reached the café, which was in the projects. The projects is like a city all its own, another world inside the world. There was a room in the back of the café where all the major playas hung out. You couldn’t even get into the building unless they knew you… and they knew me. An old guy named Pops came to the door.

Youngblood, he said holding his hand up for a high five. Shouldn’t you be at school? And who’s this pretty young lady you got with you?

Pops, I said giving him a high five. This is my sister Shauna.

Shauna nodded her head slowly and said, Hi.

I’m looking for Basim, I continued.

He’s out of town on business, he should be back tomorrow. You kids hungry? Want some breakfast?

Sure, Pops. Thanks.

Me and Shauna sat down at a booth and ate the best breakfast I had ever tasted, or at least it seemed that way. We hadn’t eaten since the day before, so our taste buds were easy to please. We took our time eating. There was no hurry, we had no place to go. After about three hours, we got up to leave. I told Pops I would be back the next day and asked if he would tell Basim I was looking for him. Pops said he would and waved good-bye. On the way back to the bus stop, I told Shauna we would go downtown to get a room for the night. I wasn’t sure because of our age, but downtown almost anything’s possible.

We got back on the bus and rode for another thirty minutes. We tried several motels but no one would give us a room. The last motel we tried had a sign that said ‘VACANCIES’, but the lady behind the counter said she had to check for an available room. She left the front desk and was gone for a long time. The whole thing made me nervous, so we got out of there quick. We went inside almost every store downtown trying to avoid the cold. We would walk and sit around the stores until a manager or other store employees started to give us funny looks, then we’d leave. By nightfall we were almost too tired to breathe. I had blisters on my feet and I couldn’t feel my fingers. Shauna said she couldn’t walk another step.

We hadn’t eaten since breakfast, so we found the nearest McDonald’s and got something to eat. We sat inside that McDonald’s for as long as we could simply enjoying the warmth. Before long, the time came to leave. We bundled up with our thin coats and prepared for the frosty weather outside. A young joker stopped us at the door and asked if we were looking for a place to crash. Before I could answer, he told us about the 24-hour XXX theaters. He said a lot of the kids would sleep there at night. All you had to do was buy a ticket. He went on to explain some different ways of making money, but I wasn’t listening. He asked how long we had been on the streets. I didn’t answer. I grabbed Shauna’s arm, told the brother thanks and we walked away. I did appreciate the information, but I wasn’t looking to make any friends downtown, and I didn’t need to hear any of his ideas on how to make money. I had my own ideas.

We walked about three blocks to the first theatre we saw. I paid and we went inside. The place was a real freak show. Everywhere you looked somebody was having sex, offering sex or asking for sex. Shauna clung to my arm tight, and I could feel her body shaking. I moved my head from side to side to settle my nerves. We walked into one of the movie rooms and sat on the back row under the balcony. I couldn’t see what the people in the balcony were doing but the sounds made me want to throw up. I told Shauna to go to sleep first. I would stay awake as long as I could. I promised her it would be our last night at that place. She put her head on my shoulder and closed her eyes. It was a long night. I slept on and off, but never more than ten or fifteen minutes at a time. I was afraid of what could happen while I was asleep, not to me but to my sister.

At last, morning arrived. We left and didn’t look back. There was an IHOP on the corner, so we stopped for breakfast. While we sat there eating, I could feel Shauna staring at me.

What? I asked without looking up.

She hesitated for a moment, Shane, what’s going on? How do you know those people?

I stopped eating but didn’t look up. What people?

She sighed. The old man at the café? Those guys on the corner, and when did you start hanging out in the projects?

I looked up and cleared my throat. Do you remember that joker named Stan?

Yeah, she said, rolling her eyes.

I knew why Shauna sounded disgusted. Stan had been the duke of our school. He did whatever he wanted to do and he loved taking people’s shit. That joker never did any homework but he always passed to the next grade. Every teacher he had made sure of that. None of them wanted to