One Beautiful Rose . . .: A Woman’S Story of Life & Death

By Shelley Rappaport

Meet Rose, to the world, always a dynamic woman, but privately she has lived a life filled with shame...Rose suffered with a severe
eating disorder her entire life.
In this book, One Beautiful Rose, we watch her as she hides her skeletons in her closet. Lainey, her best friend and confidant, shares
this secret as well. Rose finally confronts her demons; her secrets, betrayal and abandonment, and we watch as she rises above
her shame, finding her way to love, success, pride ... and finally victory.
Every rose has its thorns, its true, but Rose is unprepared for the greatest pain of all. Her brother finds himself in the midst of a murder
trial --- accused of kidnapping and killing a child. Rose finds herself among the thorns of the dark suspicion she herself believes to
be true.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Nov 14, 2011
• ISBN: 9781465361813

Shelley Rappaport

Shelley Rappaport was originally from New York. Her family was brought up in Rockland County, NY. She has two beautiful girls and six grandchildren, the loves of her life. Shelley paints, sculpts, draws and now the writer of one book and another on the way. She was a Recreational Therapist and worked in nursing facilities teaching her love of art. Whatever Shelley does, she puts her heart and soul into each project. Her love of life is very apparant. Her motto is: Live one day at a time, and enjoy each and everyone.

Book preview

Chapter 1

Rose sat alone in her kitchen, wondering where all the years had gone. Her daughter lived in another state and here she was divorced, alone, and lonely. She thought back to the years of her youth when life was so horrible. Her mood was somber as she thought back to her family roots. She remembered the fighting and violence of her parents and siblings and the unspoken terror she felt growing up. She yearned for the years she lost. She wondered: if things had been different, would she be alone now?

Her memory was blocked by the years of abuse. There were times when she had flashbacks. She wanted the clarity yet was afraid of the reality. She thought if only she could remember the good times, but Rose could not think of any.

She made herself a cup of coffee when the phone rang. She wondered if he was calling to see how she was. Still wanting what she thought she had never had in her life, someone to love her, she was unable to accept the love and caring from other people, including her own child.

Rose spoke in soft, even tones. Her black hair was still long and shiny; her lips, beautiful, full with a slight protrusion that made her look sexy. Her body was still exciting to men, and she had sophistication about her despite all she had been through. The voice on the other end was her daughter Jenny. She was disappointed but made sure not to show it. As Jenny talked, Rose felt the stirring in her heart. She missed her so much. Jenny spoke of her daughter Stacy, Rose’s granddaughter, who was still in school. Jenny was vibrant as she told Rose how smart Stacy is and how much she loved her. Jenny also spoke of her husband, Don, a successful pharmacist, owner of three pharmacies. Rose felt tears come to her eyes, a choking feeling in her throat. She clenched her hands as tears ran down her cheeks. Although Jenny traveled in different circles, Rose greatly admired her daughter. Jenny appeared to be happy. Rose wondered inwardly how she had managed to raise such an amazing woman. Jenny continued telling stories about Stacy, and Rose listened intently as her daughter spoke. She closed her eyes and pictured what Jenny was saying. She thought, Oh God, I miss them so much! Rose did not know the secret Jenny was hiding. She would have been astonished! When Rose hung up, she felt spent. She never spoke to Jenny of her loneliness, her despair, and emptiness.

When the phone rang again, it startled her. There he was, his voice deep and alluring. She pictured his full head of blonde hair, his strength, and his manliness. She felt her body respond to his voice. What was it about Jake that made her heart quicken, her body tense at the sound of his voice? She told herself how foolish she was to feel this way at her age. Rose, the master of putting herself down quickly, turned her thoughts to why he was calling on a Sunday, a day he spent with his family. They spoke aimlessly about nothing. She felt good, she felt bad, and she felt sad. Why had she chosen a married man? She had been asking this question of herself for the past five years. She became quiet, and Jake found himself wondering why he had called her. He knew she would be remote. She always was on the days she did not work. He became hard as he thought of her body. Large breasts, beautiful face, and lovely soft skin. He tried to caress her with his words, but she had tuned out. All she could think of was his family. Her guilt was overwhelming. She had always considered herself as being a moral person. There was nothing moral about her cravings for this astonishing, handsome man, who had the power to make her feel young.

Rose married very young. She was so in love. She could not wait to move out of her house of horrors. She could never know of the horror to come. How had that happened to her again? This time, different—cold, uncaring, and ignored. There was no desire for lovemaking on Stan’s part after six months of marriage. She was very confused and sought therapy. She would say to Stan, Why do we not make love anymore? She really did not know. Who wants to make love to someone who yells at me all the time? Rose would stop and think: When had I yelled at him? Did I miss something? She started questioning herself, watching every word. When she gained weight, she thought, that was it, but when she lost the weight, still nothing. Rose thought back to her childhood. Her father was either abusing her mother, her siblings, or her. If he was in his abusive state, they were ignored. Her father read the newspaper while eating dinner. There was never any conversation. Rose was always confused. Why was he so nice to everyone but them? She learned early on to stay out of his way. She would never know when the next blow would come. She shivered as she thought of those horrible years. Her mother was no better, taking out her own anxiety on Rose, as she resembled her father. There was no peace for her. Even her brothers took their brunt of anger out on Rose. She had no one to turn to. She was belittled, screamed at, and called names. She remembered being told that she was called Ina, the name of her mentally handicapped aunt. Oh, how that hurt! Was she stupid like Ina? Was she retarded? Rose had no friends growing up. She was unloved, lonely, and felt like she belonged nowhere. She always thought, If my own mother and father did not love me, who will? Unknowingly, this became her self-fulfilling prophesy. Rose felt trapped in her marriage. She had a child who became her life. She remembered feeling so much love. She lived through her child and showered her with love. She gave of herself because she could.

Chapter 2

Bored, Rose decided to call her friend Lainey. Lainey knew immediately that Rose needed to talk.

Hi, friend, she said.

Hi, to you too.

What are you up to?

Nada, want to go to dinner, talk?

That would be great, she said. I think I need a shoulder today.

No problem. I’m always here for you.

I know, and Lainey, thank you.

Rose relaxed, read her book, and then took a shower. She watched herself as she got ready. She looked tired. She always felt tired on the weekends. She wondered why that was and instinctively knew the answer. Her weekends were full of memories she tried to forget but could not. She drifted back again to when her eating disorder started. Was she a child, adolescent, or adult? When did the beast rear its ugly head? When had she started the nightmare of addiction?

When Lainey arrived at their favorite Italian restaurant, the smell of the food was scrumptious. Frank, the owner, had a bit of a crush on Lainey. He came to the table immediately as Lainey was being seated. He was so cute and had a voice of pure gold. After 9:00 p.m. each evening, he sang opera. It was so out of place in this small café, but it brought the customers back again and again. Frank always gave Lainey his attention, and she was flattered. Frank said to Lainey, So happy to see you here, in his broken English. She felt like a schoolgirl as she answered him with her warm smile. Life is good? said Frank.

Yes, life is good. She thought, Life would be better if I were to kiss those inviting lips.

Oh my God, she thought, I am shameless. She was laughing to herself—if only he knew what she was thinking! She wondered if he thought the same as she did. Rose arrived, plopped herself in a chair, and smiled knowingly at Lainey. They shared it all. Rose, never having a sister, felt Lainey was the closest she would ever come to having one. How jealous she had been when seeing sisters who were close! Rose thought, Today is sorry day.

Lainey spoke first. You seem tired and upset. Did something happen today?

Rose shook her head sadly. Just one of those days. I just want to sit back and have a glass of wine and enjoy your company. Food is not a bad idea either since neither of us have eaten dinner.

They lingered over the wine before ordering their favorite meal. They always shared, both always being worried about their weight.

Rose and Lainey met in a hospital for Eating Disorders. Lainey had been an Exercise Bulimic who was never fat in her entire life. She had surgery twice for shin splints and once for a knee replacement. Rose was a binge and purge bulimic. Her weight on a few occasions barreled up to over 200 lbs. The first day of treatment they met and had taken an instant liking to each other. They shared so many stories of what went on in their treatment. Both knew the dangers they faced. Rose had practically torn apart her esophagus. She binged and purged almost all her adult life. She had cravings for sweets and felt out of control when she ate them. She would shamefully tell Lainey, I binged and purged last night. Lainey would gently remind her how dangerous that was. As a result of her purging, all of Rose’s teeth had to be replaced. She would cough, get very ill, and would be admitted to the hospital for Aspiration Pneumonia brought on by purging. They were there for each other and could tell each other their innermost thoughts. Rose said to Lainey, How indecent were your thoughts tonight? Lainey laughed out loud as Frank appeared at the table to take their order. Frank was a fine man. He had lost his wife five years ago to cancer. He had five children and his beloved restaurant to keep him busy. He had no time for a social life. He had had a good marriage, but did he need a woman in his life to complicate things? His children nagged him, wanted him to do something other than work, but Frank loved what he did, especially singing to the beautiful, mysterious woman who came in religiously.

Frank had a hard life. He came to this country alone as a young man. He had left his parents and brothers to make a life for himself in the United States. He hoped they would one day join him, but the only one who came was his brother Anthony. He worked hard in New York, rented a room, and began working as a busboy. He spoke little English, but he was smart and was able to learn the language and teach himself to read and write. The day he became a citizen was one of the happiest days of his life. He was now an American. How grand is that! he thought. He met Rosa one night at work. She was sitting at the counter, having cake and coffee. She had just finished her day, working as a seamstress. He knew she had come in a few times, but he was always busy. One night, she spoke to him. Hey, what is your name? He looked up surprised as he answered, I’m Frank. What’s yours? Do you always work so hard? Again, surprised that she noticed, he became flustered at her invasive questions, not used to a woman flirting with him. Was this flirting? He became aware of her shapely legs, her dark eyes, and hair. She was plain but pretty. He was no beauty he thought. Rosa began coming in often, and this time he thought it was time to have some fun. Shyly, he asked Rosa for a date. She eagerly accepted. His plan was to go out dancing. He had learned to dance in the old country. He loved to sing and dance, and Rosa fell madly in love. She would tell him, Frank, you mean the world to me. He was always surprised hearing these words. In Frank’s family, no one ever spoke of feelings. You worked hard, slept, and worked hard again. His mom looked old at thirty. She was so beautiful. Her smile lit up a room. She was blonde, very unusual for an Italian woman. He knew his parents loved each other, but he never once saw any affection between them. He often wondered why they married. Frank swore when it was his time to wed, his wife and children would always know how loved they were.

Lainey smiled at Frank and placed the order. He knew what they always ordered. He told them that it would be made fresh just for them, and it was. He thought for a moment not to charge them but decided against it. Rose looked at Lainey and noticed her eyes. They always told the story. Lainey could never hide anything from Rose and vice versa. So, Rose, why are you in the dumps today? Is it about Jake?

No, it’s about me. Jake is always Jake, but I am not always Rose!

What does that mean? Why are you not always Rose?

I sometimes feel as if I am two people. One, well-adjusted and, the other, maladjusted. Does that make sense to you? Lainey sat back and looked at her friend with great compassion. She knew how hard Rose tried to be happy, but it never worked. She thought of the therapy groups, the treatment centers, hospitals, and all of the self-help groups she tried. She read and watched Dr. Phil, hoping he would say the one thing that would make her complete. Lainey moved forward, and as she did, she got that pensive look on her face that Rose knew well. Rose, you will never find what you are looking for until you find peace within yourself.

Rose looked disturbed; Lainey had hit a nerve. How on earth would she ever find peace inside herself! She instantly felt whirling thoughts inside her head. It never stopped. Rose looked like she was on the verge of tears. Lately, life was harder than usual. Perhaps it was the process. She was having a big time birthday and felt what had she ever done in her life that counted. Yes, she thought, I raised my child, started a business, have been independent for so long, but is that enough?

Rose said to Lainey, I think I’m having some type of crisis in my life. I wish I could feel complete as you said, but I don’t. I wish I could find the secret that is locked deep inside me.

Rose and Lainey sat quietly as Frank sang his aria. He looked like a shining star as he sang. It helped Rose relax and enjoy the rest of the evening. Lainey kissed Rose on the cheek as they left. She was very concerned for her dearest friend. Lainey thought, Why is life so hard?

Chapter 3

Rose drove home from the restaurant, pensive. What was she searching for? What was it that eluded her? Why did she feel so mixed up? Her thoughts started to whirl into obsession. She felt the urge to get rid of the food. She thought she would weigh more in the morning. Everything faded, except her desire to hurt herself. All painful thoughts were gone. Her mind and body thinking, begging her to do the unthinkable. She knew the consequences of relapse. She washed off her makeup, tied up her hair, and then got down on her hands and knees over the bowl and purged her feelings into the toilet. The tears were falling as she vomited. Her esophagus burned. She was in danger once again of aspirating into her lungs. At that moment, she did not care, for she was free of the torturous feelings. She did not care if tomorrow she would be admitted to the hospital, unable to breathe, steroids dripping from the IV into her veins, shaking and trembling from the effect of the drug. Shame filled her as it always did. Now she could turn her thoughts about herself into thoughts of shame about her disorder. She told herself she was bad, she was weak. Fear gripped her. Would she bleed out as she was told might happen? Sometimes she thought death would be welcome. Did she want to die at the age of fifty? Was this the gift she was giving to herself and her child? She was unable to explain to others how she was feeling, so instead, she alienated everyone and everything except the Eating Disorder. She wondered if she would wake up in the morning. It took her a while, but she slowly drifted into sleep.

Rose woke up early on Monday. She couldn’t wait to call Elly, her Eating Disorder Therapist. Elly, hearing Rose on the phone, became immediately worried. She had worked long and hard with her. Rose spoke, I need you. Can I see you today?

Oh no, thought Elly, but she was not at all surprised to hear Rose’s voice. She knew Rose had unfinished and disturbing feelings to deal with. Elly had brought Rose as far as she was willing to go. She knew Rose had to be ready to deal with the most disturbing and debilitating memories she hid from everyone, especially herself. Elly hoped that Rose was ready. Sure, I can see you today. How about noon time? Elly was willing to give up her lunch break for Rose.

Thank you, Elly. Thank you so much.

Elly heard the desperation in Rose’s voice and knew the worst had happened.

Rose told her office manager, Anita, she would be late coming in. She had no strength to put on her happy demeanor. The business she had built would do without her for a few hours. Anita was wonderful. She could handle almost anything as well as Rose. She knew all the agents, most of the properties, and many of the clients. She had been with Rose for six years and loved working for her. Anita had worked in the Real Estate business for years but never for a kinder, gentler human being than Rose. Rose’s kindness spilled out through the office. She had ten agents to whom she showed respect and was rewarded with their hard work. She cared about each one and helped them achieve success by her willingness to share her knowledge. Rose was boss, friend, and mother when the occasion arose. She was always ready to step into a sale that was falling apart but never took the credit. She intuitively knew how to handle each situation. She worked hard, long hours. Some thought she worked too hard but, of course, none ever expressed this to her except for Anita, Lainey, and, of course, Jake.

Chapter 4

When Jake had come into her office the first time in search of a home, he came alone. He was relocating from Boston with his family. He was offered a job he could not refuse. He was an architect, and this was the chance of a lifetime. He was asked to build a community in New Jersey. There would be homes, apartments, condos, a school, and on the outskirts, a professional building and stores. He was known throughout the field and was hand chosen by a very prominent investor. Jake had a wife and three children. Rebecca was a pretty woman, who was quite hesitant about moving away from her family and friends. She did not work and was very active with charitable organizations. After all, Jake Zimmer was her husband. They had a good marriage, so she thought. Jake worked hard and was a good father. Rebecca was used to Jake being away. He traveled a lot but always returned home. The day that Jake walked into Rose’s office, he was taken with her. He had an appointment, and Rose knew who he was. She was excited and flattered that he had picked her agency. She knew the stakes were high, knew that the commission on a house that he purchased would strengthen the agency. She greeted Jake warmly. She could feel a rush as they shook hands but told herself she was being silly. Jake was a man who got around. He had never been faithful to his wife. He told himself his affairs were harmless and that he always went home to his family. He never felt it took anything away from them. He thought all men did this. He was never guilty nor was he remorseful. His flings lasted a short time—no complications and no commitments. It was all fun and games until he met Rose. Rose asked casually if he would like a cup of coffee, which he refused. I don’t drink that stuff, he told her. Would you like a cold drink, or shall we start our adventure now? she responded. His eyes twinkled as she said it, and she realized he had taken it the wrong way. He had a smirk on his face, and she felt foolish and blushed. He chuckled to himself. This will be an easy conquest. She was sweet and naive, or so he thought. Rose composed herself. In her most businesslike manner, she asked him the same questions she asked all her clients—where was he interested in living, and what was his price range? Jake smiled again. Not so fast, he said. I like to talk over a drink and dinner. Rose thought how she would handle this arrogant man, who was charming, polished, and annoying.

Well, Mr. Zimmer, my life is quite busy, she lied. I just don’t see why we can’t start here.

Well, Ms. Thuman, this is the way I do business. He became a bit belligerent, and she thought, Oh, oh, this could be trouble. The stakes were too high.

Rose smiled sweetly. Where would you like to dine?

Meet me at the Four Seasons at 7:00 p.m.

Rose had been there several times and was familiar with the restaurant. OK, Mr. Zimmer, 7:00 p.m. it is.

Great, see you then.

Rose left the office at 5:00 p.m. sharp. She could not stop the excitement she felt about meeting Jake Zimmer. Her thoughts quickly went to what she should wear. She felt like a schoolgirl going on her first date. She became annoyed at herself, thinking about how attractive he is. She chided herself and thought, this is business, Rose. This is business. She undressed slowly and felt her pulse racing. She was so excited to see him. Rose was not a novice at dating. She dated men on occasion but never felt she was ready for anything serious. She worked hard and long hours. She spent days, going over her books, making sure that her accountants were doing right by her. She was smart, quick, and brilliant. She took tremendous pleasure in building such a prestigious agency on the upper east side of New York. Many of her sales were in the million-dollar range. How had