Deep Within My Heart

By John E. Wade II

The essays in this book, written over a period of three years, range from deeply personal to political and spiritual ponderings. Having been in analysis since 1977, Wade approaches his topics with a perspective wrought by channeling his unique insight through discipline and contemplation.

Wade is a retired certified public accountant with more than 30 years' experience in government and private business. He lives in New Orleans, a city he has grown to love.

Throughout his adult life Wade has experienced episodes emanating from his bipolar condition, but now, thanks to a regime of proper diet, enough rest, regular exercise, carefully prescribed medication, and psychoanalysis, he enjoys an active, fulfilling life.



"These are thoughtful reflections about faith and human existence from a gentle and sensitive soul. The reader will feel immediately welcomed and at home with John Wade's candid sharings."

Donald R. Frampton, Senior Pastor,
St. Charles Avenue Presbyterian Church

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jan 9, 2003
• ISBN: 9781465323835

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Copyright © 2002 by John E. Wade II.

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Busters!, and Diet Coke.

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Contents

Acknowledgments

A Note from the Editor

Introduction

Epilogue

I am proud to dedicate this book

to my dear departed

father, Davis Wade,

my dear departed mother, Nell Dix Wade,

my daughter, Miriam Whatley Wade,

and President George W. Bush.

Acknowledgments

I thank Patricia Livingston, Judy Brown, and Marion Stafford for providing outstanding editing assistance. I thank Diana Thornton for creating and manipulating most of the graphics, especially the cover. My gratitude goes to Marshall Stevens and also to Rent A Nerd for furnishing computer assistance. I certainly appreciate Dr. Talaat Mohamed’s perseverance in his analytical support from 1977 till the present. I’m deeply in debt to all my family, friends, acquaintances, and others who provided kindness and support during the trying times that paralleled the writing of this book.

A Note from the Editor

When my friend John asked me to work with him on his book, it was agreed from the start that my contribution would be merely in the area of punctuation, syntax, spelling and perhaps organization. He neither needed nor wanted any input with regard to content, and that stipulation guided my work from the beginning. The closest I came to involvement with content was in the occasional instance in which I wasn’t entirely clear on the point he wanted to make, and I’d prod him to explain (sometimes more than once) until I finally and fully understood.

When you read the book, therefore, you are confronted with John’s ideas, thoughts, prayers, and dreams, just the way he wrote them, quickly and, so he told me, almost effortlessly.

I think John is to be admired for his candor in sharing the depths of his being with you. Some of what he has described is painful, yet in a way therapeutic, and I hope the experience has been rewarding for him. Working with him has provided me an opportunity to learn a great deal about the inner workings of another person’s mind, and the experience has been enlightening for me.

These essays will be of interest to John’s friends, of course, but also to anyone who is keenly interested in contemporary politics, who views the turmoil and problems of the world from a spiritual point of view, and surely anyone who either is or has a loved one who is bipolar. This is not a book to read straight through; you’re better served by picking it up and reading an essay or two, then pausing for reflection. The pieces are in chronological order and you may read them that way if you like. Perhaps, though, you’d prefer to skim through until you spot a word or phrase that has meaning for you at that moment, and let John share his thoughts with you on that topic. Either method will serve you well, and he will be gratified that his words have had significance for you.

Patricia Kennedy Livingston

Introduction

I have been in analysis since 1977, longer than Woody Allen I’m told. The skill one develops in such an endeavor is that of introspective thought. I am also a very honest person. My analyst, Dr. Talaat Mohamed, says I am the most honest person whom he has ever analyzed.

This rare combination of honesty, introspective thinking, and a very difficult period of my life resulted in the selected writings contained within this book.

Originally, I intended to call this book Dreams from New Orleans. Technically these writings are not dreams. Most were written, just as I write these words, in the early morning hours over iced coffee right after awakening. They come to me as associations of my dreams, or some may say as a flow of consciousness. I merely follow them where they lead me. Because I am a very logical person, the direction that my thoughts take me is coherent and consistent. The success of the process also is due to the rigors of analysis. Some of the writings set in New Orleans locations obviously were not early morning associations.

The scope of my writings entails personal matters such as my bipolar disorder, New Orleans scenes, my initial support for John McCain, my ultimate support for George W. Bush, and my personal moral and spiritual beliefs. All of these topics unfolded from August 1998 through 2002 as I suffered at various times and with various degrees of bipolar episodes.

In some ways this was the most difficult period of my life, coping with a divorce, illness, living alone, and a disability retirement. But it also was my most creative period. I not only produced these writings but I also worked on my first book whose working title is Focus Investing. The book shows in detail how concentrated investing in one to five growth stocks can lead to long-term wealth, something my father accomplished quite well.

Through these writings I’ve discovered much about myself and developed a world view that I believe will continue through the rest of my life. Let me share that view with you.

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Downstairs, Galatoire’s from painting by Steg Marcussan, 1996

The Heart of New Orleans/a Friday Lunch at My Favorite Restaurant, Galatoire’s

Probably because of the heat of summer, vacations and so forth, the crowds arrived more slowly than normal. I later found that I had gotten the last table for two (even though I was quite alone and not looking for company, at least feminine company). But by 11:45 a.m., 15 minutes after the doors were opened (a long-time custom), Galatoire’s was almost full of gregarious people who appeared quite interesting.

The women were attractive, and that’s a gross understatement.

I assumed that the men had some manner of means.

Regardless of the facts, the circumstances were alluring. Forget Paris, forget New York, not really, but let’s just say, we have our place, a somewhat intimate, yet chatty place. Within the heart of New Orleans lies Galatoire’s.

And within the heart of Galatoire’s lies a Friday lunch (again, perhaps a full afternoon).

Louis Armstrong sang a classic jazz tune, It’s a Wonderful World. Within New Orleans, within Galatoire’s, within Friday afternoon . . . well, you get the point.

The waiters (and now Galatoire’s has attained diversity in their staff) are friendly, not haughty, and some even tell good jokes. Tipping helps the jokes and other service, as is true throughout this wonderful world.

Regular waiters for locals are the backbone of Galatoire’s. But don’t feel you need to be a local or to cater to a particular waiter to enjoy Galatoire’s. All the waiters will treat you in a friendly and respectful manner. And they’ll gladly help you with menu selections also.

The atmosphere is that of an old French bistro. In 1900 Jean Galatoire moved to New Orleans and in 1905 he purchased the site which later became the permanent home of Galatoire’s Restaurant. The site had previously been utilized as Victor’s Restaurant, dating back to 1830.

So, there’s a bit of history at play here each Friday and all the other times. The bistro is currently undergoing renovation, the primary effect being to accommodate reservations upstairs.

Now, let’s talk about food. I love Galatoire’s food! Daddy loves Galatoire’s food! I won’t be redundant by naming each and every member of my family and telling you how they love Galatoire’s food, but they do!

I’ll only discuss the specialties, but I’ll have to tell you the menu is quite broad and satisfies almost any taste. My best advice, consult your waiter. As to the appetizers, all are excellent. You really can’t miss. Oysters Rockefeller is my mother’s and my favorite appetizer.

As to entrees, all are excellent. Because of the inconsistent availability of trout (for Galatoire’s and most other restaurants in New Orleans), the restaurant offers Poisson Meuniere Amandine. This is wonderful when they have the trout, but it is not always consistent. But if you love a restaurant you don’t give up on it after a mediocre entree, just like you don’t give up on a child when he brings home a bad report card.

I like the Red Snapper with Sauteed Crabmeat Meuniere.

At times I’ve felt like the Filet Bearnaise may be the best steak in New Orleans.

The Lamb Chops Bearnaise is superb and it’s hard to say, but it may be my favorite entree.

I love the Eggplant Bearnaise, but unfortunately it doesn’t fit my Sugar Busters!™ diet (I’ve lost 30 pounds on that diet and can come to Galatoire’s and dine in style).

I enjoy the asparagus salad.

The Cup Custard and the Cafe Brunet are wonderful, but they also are a violation of my Sugar Busters!™ diet. But I shall offer my excuses. I was actually down 31 pounds one day this week and 32 pounds another day. I considered my maintenance weight to be down 30 pounds. See, I didn’t tell you my weight. My mother always told me never to discuss age or weight.

Having properly offered my excuses for my violation, I thoroughly enjoyed my cup custard.

As the time has passed, about one hour after my arrival, the noise level had escalated. This is partly due to the fact that the restaurant became full whereas it was not quite full upon my entry. The spirits consumed played a part, but let us not be judgmental.

Now let me not write this under false pretenses. One of my best friends, and I use that term friend with great respect, is David Gooch. David is one of the managers of Galatoire’s and his mother was a Galatoire, a delightful lady.

David is a real man, an affable, strong, capable man. He served as an officer in Vietnam, although he never speaks of those days.

My [former] wife, and his wife, Ann, were debutantes together and really date further back than that (again, no ages or weights).

But my dining at Galatoire’s goes beyond the almost 17 years I’ve known my [former] wife, David and Ann.

My dining at Galatoire’s dates back some 40 years. Daddy and Mother have always loved the restaurant. I will take special dispensation from the family and say each is now 81 years old, Daddy in

Meridian and Mother in Jackson. Obviously, they brought me up right for me to have such an appreciation of this living institution.

All restaurants have to some degree food, service and atmosphere. So maybe you could call Galatoire’s mystique an atmosphere. But I think it goes beyond that. What Galatoire’s has for many of its loyal patrons is the echo of so many memories. It’s as if we have to reminisce, To think, we did all that.

August 28, 1998

P.S. Of course, as I left my favorite haunt, there was a line of patrons-to-be longing for their taste of the Heart of New Orleans, Galatoire’s.

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Cafe Du Monde, Photo by Diana Thornton

Cafe du Monde and the French Quarter on a Friday Morning

The sidewalks are being washed throughout the area around Cafe du Monde. Some trash is being picked up. The city is coming to life although parts of it never slept. Where am I? I’m at Cafe du Monde in the French Market, nestled in the French Quarter in New Orleans. That’s a real mouthful, but perhaps a very wonderful mouthful.

I look across and see the carriage driver attending to his mule in preparation for journeys around the area. I can see only a glimpse of the St. Louis Cathedral, but I’ve seen it many times before, as it dominates Jackson Square. This area reminds me of trips I’ve made to Europe.

The American flag followed by the Louisiana flag crowns the riverside end of Jackson Square. The breeze is nice and the flags are extended, as they may not be during the heat later in the day.

I see a laborer working by watering the plants on the river side of Decatur Street, near the Moonwalk along the Mississippi River, part of the very bend in the river that gave the city one of its names, the Crescent City.

The people I see around me are varied, but almost all are in casual attire, probably tourists. I don’t like that word tourist, and I understand many others don’t (probably most of all the tourists themselves). So let’s be modern and accurate and call these people visitors to our unique city.

New Orleans really is unique. French, Spanish, African, Cajun, Southern and other groups provide the underlying influences. But the core of the city’s uniqueness is the French Quarter, perhaps misnamed because the Spanish were equally important. So let’s just say the Quarter, just as the locals do.

The architecture of Jackson Square, the heart of the Quarter, as well as the great preponderance of the rest of the Quarter, are European. And yet there are the cheap and tawdry T-shirt shops and strip clubs here and there, mostly on Bourbon Street. Bourbon Street is full of signs and come-ons, but it can be a lot of fun.

My favorite restaurant is on Bourbon Street. And it is anything but cheap and tawdry. Galatoire’s is a warm and inviting refuge from Bourbon Street, and the rest of the world for that matter.

New Orleans and the Quarter in particular have been called an adult Disneyland. I agree with that assessment after living here since 1977. You’ve got to understand that I’m not a New Orleans native. That’s sometimes an advantage because I wasn’t categorized for life by what high school I attended and my deportment there. Believe me, natives talk about their high schools and practically ignore their college attendance.

When natives ask, Where did you go to school? they mean high school and not college or graduate school.

While metro New Orleans has a population of about 1,300,000, it is a small town in many ways. Natives leave only with great reluctance, usually because of few job opportunities. Business in New Orleans and Louisiana appears to take a back seat to lifestyle and backroom politics.

But the lifestyle is very good. In my opinion, the food is the best in the world, if price is considered. Approximately ten million people visit New Orleans every year and that testifies to the veracity of the above. But come see for yourself, again and again.

August 14, 1999

A World Without Labels

Could we survive without all the shortcuts or labels? Think of it. The worst labels are the mindless acronyms pervading everything from government jargon to computer programs.

On second thought, I believe acronyms aren’t the worst labels. The worst are those of a human kind: Nigger, slut, whacko, dummy and so forth. Oh, the damage they do, and oh so quickly. We must think and feel for our fellow humans, reaching out to them even if they don’t fit our proper profile. Appearances are labels of a sort, whether they are skin color, age, dress, weight or even tattoos.

That doesn’t mean you have to accept as a friend someone you don’t like or respect. To do so would be superficial and hypocritical.

Life is full of situations where one may have to judge by appearances or labels. But such situations ought to be restricted to personal safety issues or other such practical reasons.

If each of us thinks of himself or herself as being a citizen of the world, it makes the process somewhat simpler. Citizenship implies equality, at least until one proves unworthy of equality, such as in the case of the hardened criminal.

My concept of citizenship respects the boundaries of countries, regions and groups in this diverse world of ours. Pride in one’s self and one’s country can be healthy.

The globalization of the economy, if handled properly, can lower the borders through trade and communication. Labels must be abandoned for all the benefits of free trade. Abolishing nationalistic labels and name-calling can maximize the benefits of this trade. Of course, the great hope of the world is that through economic integration we move gradually to a peaceful world.

Are we humans locked into a love/hate relationship with our fellow humans? We must look deep within ourselves for that answer, and to our creator. Love to within, love to without and love from above are the answers.

October 10, 1999

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Peace

A World Without Hate, Envy or Injustice

Can it be? A world without hate, envy or injustice. Each of us has to change for such a result. Can humans change? Most of us do mature in some form or degree. Our attitudes change over time. They say basic personalities don’t change, but with analysis, thinking processes can and are changed.

Will there be a perfect world? Certainly not on earth. But I believe vast improvements are possible and the alternative may be chaos and vast destruction.

One rather odd key that I think will help is simplification. The world is full of complexity, i. e. currencies, laws and so forth. All these things can obstruct commerce, communication and understanding. In the new millenium there should be an all-out drive, led by the United States, to simplify everything from laws to telephone answering systems. This will increase productivity and increase the size of the pie for the world. And it could lower our stress level, helping to ease hate or at least the anger associated with hate, wherever found.

The size of the pie is important. And maximizing the overall size of the pie is often overlooked through envy. The rich man may directly or indirectly provide a lot of jobs. And when you tax his capital away it hurts the economy in the United States and elsewhere. No matter what good the taxes do, the bureaucracy involved in collecting and dispensing the money is inherently expensive.

Distrust between the haves and the have nots has been an age-old source of injustice, either in reality or by perception. There are the good and bad among both groups and it seems the bad in each group are what we remember. Economic justice should involve allowing Bill Gates to reach for the stars as long as he is ethical and lawful. And we should admire him for it, not envy him.

At the other extreme we should respect a person of modest means who works and uses his or her talents as well as can be reasonably expected. To be ordinary is not a crime even though achieving celebrity status is the only item on the agenda for many.

What about the able-bodied though ignorant persons who don’t work and yet seek assistance? This is sad because most of these people lacked the advantages of a stable, nurturing family. This is especially true where there is abject poverty, a prevalent situation in many parts of the world. What is the answer?

I believe the size of the pie is one part of the puzzle, but only one part. Another part is the concept of world citizenship. The first and the final piece of the puzzle is love, love to within, love to without and love from above.

World citizenship values the whole of humankind, each one of us. And yet this citizenship respects the boundaries of the countries of the world, the diverse groups within and each one of us. Ultimately, even war may come to be regarded as the murder of fellow world citizens. But in the present, the United States must be strong as the sole superpower, guiding the world, cooperating with fellow citizens of the world, in an all-out war for love and for peace. We would conduct this war against the hateful, the envious and unjust.

The slogan for the sixties was Make love, not war. I envision a purer war not based on sex, but based on a mature vision of the 21st century. A world without hate, envy or injustice is an unreachable goal, but practical within limits and feasible to seek in a serious manner. But just like the sixties, the first and final piece of the puzzle is love. But this time it is love to within, love to without and love from above.

October 13, 1999

What America Forgot

Martin Luther King, Jr., in his famous Washington speech, drove home a monumental point—that the content of one’s character was the way humans should assess each other. He put it in much more eloquent terms, but the spirit of character was the message.

That concept was forgotten in President Clinton’s political campaigns and pushed aside by the Democrats in his impeachment trial.

Thus, the Democrats must be held to a very high standard in the presidential and congressional elections in November 2000. Remember that Democrats made up many posts not only within the White House but also throughout government during the Clinton presidency. Many of the special interests of the Democratic Party, trial lawyers and unions supported President Clinton throughout the ordeal.

This support continued despite overwhelming evidence against the President. At least President Nixon resigned rather than further damage the presidency with an impeachment trial. And Martin Luther King, Jr.’s own people largely supported President Clinton throughout the national disgrace.

Character is elemental in all forms of human endeavor, especially the presidency. Decisions must be made on the basis of principle and leadership, not daily polls. President Reagan steered a steady course out of the cold war. That took strength, endurance and principle, and, yes, character.

The electorate of this country must take some responsibility for the Clinton presidency, perhaps the worst presidency in our history. Oh, you say the economy was good. So what, if moral decay escalates and our nation loses its leadership in the world? Also, it is a profound myth that the president controls the economy. Alan Greenspan (independently of the president) exerted government influence to the extent possible during President Clinton’s term of office. But the United States’ private economy is huge, the largest in the world.

This economy is influenced by international factors and many other factors (such as productivity) that make business cycles inevitable and yet somewhat unpredictable. To choose, praise or blame a president based on the economy is conventional wisdom at its worst.

But even if President Clinton were responsible for the good economy, can we accept his deceptions? These deceptions weakened the presidency and our nation. A change is necessary, not just concerning the president, but the party. This will allow a thorough review of the Justice Department, FBI and other departments, as well as White House staff.

My belief is that many career civil servants will come forward with instances of deception and evasion once the Democrats are removed from office. The purpose of this house-cleaning would not be a double jeopardy ordeal for the nation, but a cleansing of government for the 21st century.

Also, this drive for character should be paramount in the senatorial and congressional races in 2000. The Republicans as a whole took a courageous stand in trying to overcome a ruthless administration, adverse polls and the media that allowed President Clinton’s machine to keep the offensive. The same media are now saying that Republicans have to produce positive policies.

Certainly that is true. But it also is absolutely essential to examine the previous Democratic congressional members regarding honesty, integrity and yes, character, especially in their partisan handling of the impeachment trial. The impeachment votes of all Democratic candidates ought to be challenged. Those were historic votes and not ones to be quickly swept under the carpet in the following election.

The Republicans deserve the opportunity to lead this nation into the new millenium, in the presidency, the senate and the house. If the presidential nominee is Senator McCain and the vice presidential nominee is George W Bush, the presidency could be held for 16 years, four more years than Presidents Reagan and Bush.

Of course, even if successful in the 2000 election as described above, to be a lasting force the Republican party must genuinely open its gates to all, both in policy and spirit. This will inevitably lead to conflict within the party. But we must all seek a better way than following the mindless polls generated with little, if any real in-depth thought (by both the persons polled and the pollsters). Polls generally ignore the long-term consequences, the moral component of our society and the hopes for a better world.

Foreign policy also should be of an open and genuine nature to the extent practical. But concurrently we must strengthen our defenses much as President Reagan did in order to have the ability to exert overwhelming force for all. We must have an ABM system to protect our shores as economic globalization takes place, gradually making the world a safer place.

The Clinton elections were based on charm and issues contrived from daily polls. This election must be based on character, serious policies and direction.

October 14, 1999

Leadership in Year 2000 for the United States of America

Character will be the key issue in the election year 2000. In the presidency especially, great leadership must be grounded in honesty and integrity. The wants and needs of the American people must be considered. But the president, just like Winston Churchill, must lead.

Human history is full of remakes. Pat Buchanan is even trying to denigrate the most famous and definitive war of the 20th century, World War II. Our economy and our military are the strongest in the world, largely due to all the valiant efforts during that war and the consequences thereof.

You say we are not in a war now. Of course that is correct, in the ordinary meaning of the word. I believe we are in a war within for the character of each of our citizens and the citizens of the world.

Character requires spirit. Real heroes, especially in the world’s highest office, the presidency of the United States, can invoke the spirit of the nation in each one of us. Thus, presidential leadership is not just one of those issues generated from mindless polls like sitcoms. Presidential leadership must come from the person’s own character. Such leadership should not come from the indiscriminate use of polls without the honesty, integrity and long-term perspective that are an inherent part of a great leader.

I believe Senator McCain may have that character necessary as we enter the new millenium. One cannot doubt his toughness and patriotism, proved in a very real way. Is he electable? In my opinion, he is the most electable person in the Democratic, Republican or Reform Parties. Why is this?

The American people were unsure of the character issue in the Clinton elections. But after observing possibly the worst presidency in our history as a result, how can responsible Americans do anything but vote character in Year 2000?

The economy issue ought to be addressed immediately through education of the American people on the minimal role that the president plays in the economy. What role the president does play is of a long-term nature, first requiring congressional action in such matters as tax laws, appropriation bills and treaty confirmations.

It should be noted that long-term policies of Presidents Reagan and Bush, notably tax laws and the NAFTA (North American Free Trade Agreement) negotiations, laid the groundwork for much of President Clinton’s economic good fortune claims.

Now let’s discuss Governor George W. Bush. I believe he would be a strong vice presidential candidate. He is attractive, well-connected and able to assist in raising funds to defeat the Democratic nominee. But I don’t believe he is as strong on the key issue, character, as Senator McCain.

That is a superficial view because I have not met or read in depth about either candidate. But I feel Governor Bush could be viewed by the public as another Clinton poll watcher type, and one with all that dirty Republican money to boot.

But I do believe Governor Bush has the fire in his belly to confront the Democrats with their lack of honesty and integrity, and yes, character. I hope he will accept the vice presidency but if he wins the Republican presidential nomination fair and square, I will support him.

To Governor Bush the vice presidency might not only be a good training ground and stepping stone to the presidency, but be reminiscent of his father’s journey to the presidency.

October 16, 1999

A Classless World

Can it be? A classless world, a world of mutual respect despite major differences in economic, educational and family advantages. Perhaps not, not without change, change within each member of humankind.

Each of us has worth, worth to ourselves and potentially to others. How we utilize our talents becomes inherently a measure within ourselves, our own mind of what we’re worth, at least in a classless society based on merit rather than circumstance.

My basic concept that is grounded in Christian faith is to love to within, love to without (other human beings and God) and love from above (God). This concept is also grounded in my Christian faith that there is a little piece of God in each of us. Our Creator means for us to respect one another, to love one another.

For mere mortals this is a goal that cannot be fully realized, but a goal worth striving for, for human reasons as well as spiritual reasons.

Life is a journey that cries out for purpose. Oddly enough we feel that need for purpose much more in our adolescent years than our adult years. I say odd because we generally have many more tools for accomplishing lifetime goals in our adult years. But many times as an adult, sometimes as a seemingly successful adult, we lack the purpose we once thought we had earlier. Or, perhaps we never had any clear purpose.

I believe that for every star that falls, a flower grows, maybe many flowers. I believe the Creator of the universe has a clear purpose or purposes for each one of us within the framework that we just can’t understand. Why can’t we understand? Because our human qualities and our piece of God are so small in relationship to the Creator that we must humbly accept our human purpose as best we can perceive it.

What is this thing called love? It is the acceptance of ourselves as we are, to love ourselves as we are, no matter how ordinary by human standards. And we must accept our fellow humans. Why? Because deep within each of them is a piece of God akin to the piece within ourselves.

Let’s shine with goodness and purpose together. Shine in self-respect within and shine out to others. And shine to our Creator as He shines on us.

Of course, a real implementation of such love would naturally lead to mutual respect and a classless world. At least we would recognize and respect the worth of the fellow members of humankind.

This is not a political statement in an attempt to create some worldwide entity. Rather, it is a cry for understanding, the understanding of one’s own purposes and those of others. And the mutual respect in humankind to reach out and accept others as they are, just as you must do for your own self.

Love can be transitory if not bound by spirituality. My belief is that a complete person must love within, love without and receive love from above and that this force should