Herb: Short Stories

By Matt Noman

These stories are about Herb, a writer who spends most
of his time by himself. However, the outside world
does knock on his door occasionally; and sometimes
it breaks it down. Although Herb is used to spending his
time alone, he does immerse himself fully in the world when
that world drags him from his solitude. Some readers may
find Herb odd and even offensive; others may appreciate him
for his insight and ingenuity. He is a man with a unique
perspective on life. But thats what makes him Herb! He is
like no other man!
The

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jul 29, 2010
• ISBN: 9781453544082

Matt Noman

The author lives on the Eastern Shore of Maryland with his dog and his books. He also is surrounded by endless water, and countless birds, as well as the boundless other creatures that thrive in that fertile environment.

Book preview

Copyright © 2010 by Matt Noman.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

This book was printed in the United States of America.

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

Xlibris Corporation

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Dedication

To the Solitary Individual.

Author’s Note

The author has taken certain liberties with certain elements of punctuation such as ellipses, in order to indicate pauses in a character’s dialogue or storyteller’s thoughts. The traditional space dot space dot space dot space is not used. Instead, any number of dots can occur, without spaces between the dots; and a larger number of dots means a longer pause in speech or thought. Most often in the stories, ellipses occur before a sentence, usually indicating a very brief pause in conversation, or indicating that the speaker is thinking before he or she speaks. Sometimes the ellipses just indicate that the speaker is changing the subject. Ellipses at the end of a sentence usually indicate that the speaker has been interrupted by another party.  ....The author has also taken some liberties with capitalization by capitalizing a particular word some times, and not doing so at other times. This was done for effect, and for better presentation of an idea or concept. Finally, please note that every line that is indented is dialogue between the characters in the stories. Every line not indented is what the story-teller or Herb is thinking or narrating, or it is Herb dialoguing with himself.

Preface

These stories are about Herb, a writer who spends most of his time by himself. However, the outside world does knock on his door occasionally; and sometimes it breaks it down. Although Herb is used to spending his time alone—he became used to seclusion long before the stories take place—he does immerse himself fully in the world when that world drags him from his solitude. Some readers may find Herb odd and even offensive; others may appreciate him for his insight and ingenuity. But he is quite different from what many of us might consider conventional; as are many of his more important choices. He is a man with a unique perspective on life. But that’s what makes him Herb! He is like no other man.

The stories are sequential. If the reader chooses not to read them in order, some of the events in a story that relate to a previous story may not be completely understandable; however, it isn’t essential to read them in sequence.

Contents

Author’s Note

Preface

Holy Shit

The Insidious Master

Herb and the Judge

Joe’s Demise

The Rules

Four Letter Words

Killin’ Time

The Death of the Eternal

HOLY SHIT!

Holy Shit

Holy Shit! It all commes dowms to ones and zeross" It’s what we wantt and don’t want. I’m drunk, but I knowe I’m right!

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

That wasn’t too-bad-a-nap! Judging by the clock, it was about ninety minutes—good! A complete cycle! But I wish I didn’t have a headache, damn it. Drank too much for lunch again! Why do I drink so much and continue to do so for so long? But I guess if I were being realistic I would ask why I ever stop drinking?  .....What’s this?

Holy Shit! It all commes dowms to ones and zeross" It’s what we wantt and don’t want. I’m drunk, but I knowe I’m right!

What the hell is this shit?  .....Oh yeah, I remember. I typed that before I fell asleep. God, I must have really been drunk!  .....What the hell did I mean by it? Ones and zeros?

It’s what we wantt and don’t want.

But how do we know what we want or don’t want?

We either desire it or we don’t, Dumbhead!

But sometimes we desire something, and then other times we are repulsed by that something—like food; or the way I feel right now about bourbon! So how does this jive with want or don’t want?

It still works—we either desire it or not. And we don’t have to be repulsed—we just don’t want it!

So life and its choices are nothing more than wants vs. don’t wants?

I guess.

What about Ideals—our inspiring Ideals?

It depends on if we want to aspire to one or not. The switch is either on or off.

But why would a person be willing to die for their country, for example? Why would you want that? Why would you give your life for another?

Good goddamn question, Herb! Why would you want that?  ......Truth of it is that most people don’t! Why the difference in people? Why do some people want something and other people don’t want that something?

That is really the good goddamn question!

God, I wish my head didn’t hurt! ...FUCK! I’m an idiot! Why do I take that drink that throws me over the threshold to pain? Damn!  .....Well, at least it will go away in a few hours. Maybe I’ll go watch some TV. Bigger thoughts, bigger headaches! Smaller thoughts, smaller headaches! TV usually, though not always, eliminates Big Thoughts.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

And the Chimpanzee shares over 98 percent of its DNA with Humans. Remarkable, isn’t it, that Humans and Chimps are cousins on the Great Evolutionary Ladder!

You jackass, Chimps may have 98 percent of our genes, but that only represents 5 percent of our DNA. It’s the 95 percent of switches, turning genes off and on, that are the meat of our DNA. We really don’t know all that much about the common elements of the Chimp and Human DNA’s if we consider the switches and the unlimited possibilities that come with them. In that regard, I’m not even sure how much DNA I share in common with my brothers! It’s not the genes; it’s the on/off switches.  ......Shit...that’s what my drunken epiphany alluded to!

Another way of looking at this 98 percent of DNA is comparing the notion to words and language: if you start with twenty thousand words, you don’t have twenty thousand language possibilities; you probably have unlimited possibilities, depending on which words you select, and which ones you don’t—and the trillions upon trillions of combinations. Same thing with the brain. It’s not the 200 billion neurons, or whatever the wild guess is today, but the ten trillion dendritic connections and how they mix and remix ad infinitum! We share words, we share DNA, we share experiences; but it’s the combinations that make the difference. The unique combinations of on/off switches that make up a living breathing creature! And those combinations appear to be limitless.

Damn, I forgot about my headache. That’s a good thing! Thank you TV!

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

What else does the booby-tube have for me today?  ....Ah, a nature show—that looks interesting—a wildebeest giving birth. Oh shit! Those fucking lions on the ridge—they are going to tear that newborn to pieces ninety seconds after it’s born.  ....I don’t want to watch this shit!

What else you got, TV. Something less painful to watch, please! Something less predatory!

Oh boy, somebody trying to sell some pills. Now what do those pills treat?  ....Oh wow, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome; that’s a good one! Never heard of that one before! I guess it’s a new use for caffeine pills for non-coffee drinkers. More expensive though, I bet. The Snake-oil Salesman needs to make a chunk-a-change to sustain his lyin’, cheatin’ ways! So what if he is preying on his fellowman!  .....Let’s try another channel.

Now we got sex aids for sale. Oh boy; can’t be found in stores; call now and order today! That just reminded me of a little dreamy thought I had during my nap—Big Head versus Little Head: a penis can give you pleasure for a moment; a mind can give you pleasure until it dies.

Dingdong.

What the hell was that?  ....I have a doorbell?  ....Or was it something on the TV?

Dingdong.

I’ll be damn! I own a doorbell. Never heard that before!  ....Now all I have to do is find the door. It must be here somewhere!  .....Man, you gotta stop drinking so much for lunch!

Hi, can I help you?

Oh, hi. I’m your neighbor from three houses down. I should say your new neighbor. I just moved in! I just thought that I would introduce myself to my new neighbor.

Well, howdy, Neighbor; nice to have met you! Seeya soon!

Wait, I’m Melvin!

OK.

Well, what’s your name?

Well, Melvin, if you came here to yak, you might-as-well come in.

Thank you, ah....

I’m Herb.

Oh, hi Herb; glad to meet you!

We already did that, Melvin.  ....I’m just watchin’ a little boob-tube in the other room. Come on in if you want to watch some!

Thanks, Herb!  ....You got a nice place here, Herb. Nice waterview!

Yeah, it is. Same as yours, Melvin, if you moved-in just three houses down.

Oh yeah.  .....What’re you watchin’, Herb?

I’m just flippin’ the channels, Melvin.  ....Say, Melvin, isn’t today a workday? I know this is the Shore and all—vacationland par excellence, but shouldn’t you be working?

I am without employment at present—you know, the economy and all—and a few other things.

Oh, sorry to hear that, Ol’ Buddy.

Yeah, it’s been rough.  ....Say, why aren’t you working, Herb?

I sit around and think all day, Melvin. That’s my work.

How do you make a livin’ off of that?

Well, Melvin, occasionally I write something that some damn fools are willing to pay to read.

Oh, you’re a writer, Herb.

Some might say that, Melvin.  ...Right now I’m a thinker, though. Not much writin’ going on.

Oh, too bad!

Why is that, Melvin?

Too bad you’re stuck in your writing!

I’m not stuck, Melvin. I just don’t feel like writing about anything right now.

So you’re a thinker right now, Herb?

Always, Melvin—always a thinker!  ....Melvin, I’m not much for auto-bio, but if you have something of note to discuss, I would be glad to indulge; otherwise, let’s just watch TV.

.....Herb, what’s auto-bio?

Autobiography, Melvin.

Oh yeah, I get it.  ....I’m good with TV. Nice of you to let me watch it with you, Herb. Most people are a little offish toward me.

Why is that, Melvin?

Well, I’m overweight and cross-eyed.

I’m surprised by that, Melvin.

Why’s that, Herb?

Most people have their heads up their asses, Melvin, so they can’t really see that you’re overweight or cross-eyed.

Hah! That’s funny, Herb!

I’m glad you liked it, Melvin.  .....Say, Melvin, I can’t believe I’m asking a bio-question, but, if you don’t have a job, how is it that you could afford a house down the street? These houses on the water aren’t exactly cheap.

I didn’t buy a house, Herb. I moved in with my mother.

Oh! Wife and kids too?

Got no kids, Herb; and my wife left me for a fatter and uglier man.

Now, why the hell would she do that, Melvin? Was the guy drowning in money?

Somethin’ like that, Herb—He was fatter in terms of his pocketbook, and uglier in terms of his soul. But to be fair, I guess, he was a real looker, and that definitely appealed to my wife.

Sorry, Ol’ Buddy!

No need to be, Herb. She became a pretty nasty bitch! Losing my business was worth it if I got rid of her. I should send the poor bastard that got her a thank-you note! I’d send him a check if I had any money!

Now you’re being funny, Melvin.

Thank you, Herb.  .....So what are we watching?

C-span, I think?

Which one, Herb?

I don’t know.

What’s the boring topic of today’s discussion?

I don’t know that either, Melvin, and I don’t care. To me, they’re all a bunch of lying-sacks-of-shit.

You don’t like deceit, Herb?

Absolutely not, Melvin!!

But, Herb, DECEIT is fashionable!

Melvin—I’m fucking-out-of-fashion, then! In my opinion, Deceit is the Devil’s ASS!

That may be true, Herb, but it’s what people do! So I guess people have their heads up the Devil’s ASS.

Yeah—that’s right, Melvin!

Hey, Herb, switch to CNN or a Network station. I think Woody Lyon is supposed to be havin’ a big press conference for cheatin’ on his wife. I think he’s supposed to apologize to her on TV.

Who’s Woody Lyon?

He’s that tennis player that got caught cheatin’ on his wife with a couple dozen women. I don’t know where the guy got his energy to cheat so much and still be one of the top tennis players in the world.

Sounds like he got around, Melvin!

Yeah. I wouldn’t mind havin’ a few scraps that dropped from his table. Some of those girls are keepers!

Keepers? You mean for carnal pleasure, right, Melvin?

Yeah, not much else, Herb! They don’t seem to have much upstairs, judging by the interviews that some of them have given so far. But they do stir a man who hasn’t had sex in a while. Especially a man who is fat and cross-eyed!

I don’t know, Melvin. I’ve always had to like the individual before she got me too excited. Even if their attractiveness stirred something in my loins, once they opened their mouths, everything on me seemed to shrink back to normal.

Herb, you’re just expecting too much out of a looker. Although, I