When Loving You Is Hurting Me

By Kimberly D. Tookes Shamberger

When Loving You Is Hurting Me examines various forms of domestic violence such as family violence; intimate partner, child, and elder abuse; teen dating violence; and men being abused by women. Readers are enlightened about its effect on the victims and those who love and care about the maltreated person. The author deals with the subject from a biblical and spiritual perspective. The title of the book gives a foreshadowing of the subject and the dynamics between victims and perpetrators: the individual who cares immensely for the very individual who exploits and takes advantage of that endearment by mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually annihilating them.

Dr. Kimberly D. Shamberger uses scriptural and clinical references to encourage and demonstrate that God does not desire his children to endure maltreatment. It is the authors desire by the completion of this book that all perpetrators will be edified and all victims will have gained knowledge, self-assurance of the love of God, and encouragement to safely change the title to Im Leaving You For Me (Con Funk Shun).

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jul 31, 2017
• ISBN: 9781543437546

Kimberly D. Tookes Shamberger

She is Domestic violence coordinator for a Police Dept., Ph.D. in Christian Counseling, Training and working in the field of DV for 19 years. Social Worker/Counselor, Minister has a degree in Psychology

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Copyright © 2017 by Kimberly D. Tookes Shamberger.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Scripture quotations marked KJV are from the Holy Bible, King James Version (Authorized Version). First published in 1611. Quoted from the KJV Classic Reference Bible, Copyright © 1983 by The Zondervan Corporation.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Rev. date: 07/31/2017

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Contents

Dedication

Foreword

An Outlook on Toxic Relationships

What is a Toxic Relationship?

Red Flags of a Toxic Relationship

Chapter 01: Intimate Partner Violence

Types of Intimate Partner Violence

Psychological Aggression

Stalking

Physical Victimization

Sexual Abuse

Penetration of the Victim

Penetration with/to Someone Else

Non-Physical Sexual Abuse

Penetration with Forced Voluntary Submission

Unwanted Sexual Contact

Financial Abuse

Strangulation

Abuse by Proxy

Abuse By Use of The Media

What Restricts You from Leaving Your Violent Partner?

Spiritual Restriction Due to Unawareness

Other Reasons of Why People Stay in an Abusive Intimate Relationship

The Ray of Light

Chapter 02: Teen Dating Violence

Common Traits of the Abuser

Common Traits of an Abusive Teen Dating Relationship

Cyber Abuse in Teen Dating Violence

You Are Not Alone – But You Can Be One Of the Many Who Survived!

The Psychological Wrath

Who Suffers More?

The Ray of Light

Chapter 03: Elder Abuse

Physical Abuse

Exploitation

Abandonment

Intentional Negligence

Emotional Abuse

Sexual Abuse

Healthcare Fraud and Abuse

Financial Abuse

Cyber Abuse

Mickey Rooney Case

Common Places of Elder Abuse

Serious Risks Associated with Elder Abuse

Risks for Elders

Physical Injuries or Impairment

Psychological or Cognitive Impairment

Lifestyle Degradation

Social Risks

Isolation

Strained Web of Interdependency

The Ray of Light

The First Step is All You Need

Chapter 04: Child Abuse

Emotional Abuse

Neglect/Abandonment

Financial Abuse/Exploitation

Physical Abuse

Sexual Abuse

Cyber Abuse

Characteristics of Abusive Adults/Parents/Guardians

Pedophilia and Child Sexual Abuse

Faheem Williams

Mary Ellen Wilson

Consequences of Child Abuse in Adulthood

The Ray of Light

Immediate Action

Chapter 05: Roommate Abuse (College)

Abuse by Control

Emotional Abuse

Financial Abuse

Physical Abuse

Sexual Abuse

Substance Abuse

Roommate Eviction

The Ray of Light

Reporting Roommate Abuse

Chapter 06: Passive Aggressive Behavior

Cheating (Direct/Indirect/Emotional)

Manipulation in Passive-Aggressive Behavior

The Psychology of Passive-Aggressive Behavior

The Ray of Light

Chapter 07: Men Being Abused By Women

Physical Abuse

Financial Abuse

Abandonment of Affection

Sexual Abuse

Cyber Abuse

Verbal Abuse

Emotional Abuse

The Ray of Light

Chapter 08: Familicides, Femicides, and Parricides

Familicide

Femicide

Parricide

A Lowdown on Familicide

Self-Righteous Killer

Disappointed Killer

Anomic Killer

Paranoid Killer

A Lowdown on Femicide

A Lowdown on Parricide

The Relation of Abuse with Familicide, Femicide and Parricide

Unfortunate Statistics

Common Disabilities that Lead to Abuse

Red Flags of the Abused Disabled People

The Ray of Light

Chapter 09: Safety Plan

Safety in Your House

Safety during a Violent Incident

Safety in Public

Safety when preparing to leave

Chapter 010: My Spiritual Connection - Why This Book is close to My Heart and Work

Final Words

Contact Index

Dedication

First and foremost, I thank God for all that He has bestowed upon me. I thank Him for all experiences, some pleasant and some not-so pleasant. As I look back over my life, it was designed and designated for strengthening my faith.

‘For His anger endureth but a moment; in His favor is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.’

Psalm 30:5

To God be the glory, for I am so appreciative of His mercy to allow me the honor to pen this piece. I dedicate this work to my beloved mother, Georgeena B. Bailey, who has been there the most during my trials and tribulations. Thank you for being an awesome example of wisdom, the epitome of a woman and my best friend. A piece of me will forever be missing. I love you beyond infinity R.I. P. To my father, Robert Lee Bailey, gone but never forgotten. He was my (Road Dog) for sure, my Driving Miss Daisy. I love and miss you, R.I.P.

My brother, Robert La Vert Bailey, my Partner in Crime, you are the best. My Minnie me, beautiful niece La Tascia Renee. Bailey, auntie’s little angel, Makenzie Noelle Bailey, nephew, Marqueez T. Wright. My Side Kick, my Bestie, Rev. William E. Richburg; My Ride or Die, my sister/cousin Dr. Phebee V. Henderson. My beautiful little cousins, Rev. DeNoire Henderson and DeAsia Henderson. My favorite Aunt Jeanelle Jenkins Borum who is the inspiration for this book; Uncle Frank W. Jenkins, my favorite, my wonderful Pastor, Fr. Frank Rocchi who prayed with me and allowed me to cry on his shoulders, and The Irvington Police Dept. DVCRT, Capt. Amanda Koontz, Dr. Cheryl Huggins, Rev. Zaykiyyah La –Favor (R.I.P.), P.O. Daphene Hinton, my sisters in the struggle and in Christ, and Pastor, Henry Lee Clay a wonderful man of God and my friend.

It is truly an honor for you take the time to articulate such inspiring words of spirituality and love. May God continue to bless you and First Lady Yvonne.

Foreword

When Loving You Is Hurting Me

Dr. Kimberly Shamberger

I’m starting with the man in the mirror I’m asking him to change his ways. And no message could have been any clearer; If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself, and then make a change.

Michael Jackson - Man In The Mirror Lyrics

I have come to realize that when it comes to the issue or subject of Relationships, the ‘self" is the substratum or the base of all relationships. I propose this very humbly to you that ‘you cannot have a relationship without you’. Oftentimes, the problem that develops within our relationships with other people tends to originate from within, because of our own issues that deeply embed within ourselves. This was a point of consideration that led to the genius of the powerful song written by the Late King of Pop, Michael Jackson.

The fact of the matter is that the part, that I have the most control of, is ‘me’. And somehow, I have found out that I have to have gain control over me to have a relationship with you. I have also come to recognize that in order to have a good relationship with you, I have to have a good relationship with myself. If I can get along with me, then there is a strong possibility that I’ll be able to get along with you.

Many people are insecure and feel bad about themselves, which steals their joy and causes major problems in their relationships. I come from an abusive background that left me suffering from insecurities even after I became a Christian, because I was not seeing myself through the lens of Scripture. I rejected myself, and I didn’t see myself as God saw me. I didn’t know who I really was in the Christ. This was because I was not rooted and grounded in His love and I didn’t know that I could find approval in Him, and so I sought love and acceptance through the approval and affirmation of others.

This type of thinking and mentality often leads to much of the pain, misery, and failure in having a relationship with another person, because we tend to look for perfect love and approval from imperfect sources. This can lead to Toxic Love and from one toxic relationship to, or after another. I have learned from my background and experience, with my own long-term challenges with emotional wellness and mental health issues. The most thing I learned was that when people try to function without taking the time to heal they inevitably, although in many instances, unintentionally hurt others. Unintentionally, they end up wounding others as severely as they were hurt, and remarkably, they even manage to do it in the same way too.

In her book entitled The Emotionally Destructive Relationship, the author Leslie Vernick states on page 12 that, ‘Just as there are numerous ways to destroy a house, a person and a relationship can be wounded or destroyed in lots of different ways. Someone can be undermined, crushed, stifled, and suppressed as well as shattered, demolished, or broken. A relationship is damaged when it’s weakened, fractured, or killed through the attitudes and actions of one or both people in the relationship’

In this powerful book that strongly focuses on the dynamics of various types of relationships, Kimberly Shamberger does a wonderful job at presenting an informative as well as enlightening book that can help countless individuals, including those of us that are involved in various kinds of relationships to do better. Using both compelling biblical principles with practical clinical and antidotal applications with potential life-changing benefits, she shares with her readers the very clear and compelling insights, that once applied, can make all of the positive difference in the world.

This work, in my humble and professional opinion, can without a doubt help us all in developing healthy relationship with ourselves, which can lead to healthier and happier relationships with others and finally within the world around us. I pray that you will allow these timeless and powerful truths and principles from When Loving You Is Hurting Me minister to your spirit, sink into your heart, and bless your soul.

Let’s remember what Michael said in that prophetic song, Man in the Mirror that, "If you want to make the world a better place take a look at yourself, and then make a change."

Henry Lee Clay, MA, M Div. DD

Pastor/Teacher: New Beginnings Christian Ministries, Int’l

C.E.O. H Lee Clay Ministries

President: Agape Mental and Emotional Health Alliance, Inc.

President: Agape Life Coaching & Counseling, LLC

An Outlook on Toxic Relationships

"Do you