Maybe Today

By Amanda Page

Love can come twice in a lifetime . . . if you’re brave enough to let it in.

After losing her husband and young daughter in an accident, life falls apart for Kelly Nash. Life was never what she’d dreamed of, but reaching for more would be a betrayal of the man she’d loved—or so she fears.

Sean Page is nothing like what people expect from the front man of a popular rock band—but most people don’t know Sean, and that’s the one thing he wants more than anything: for someone to truly know him.

A chance meeting has Sean intrigued—and Kelly unable to believe that she is dating the lead singer of her favorite band—and they soon realize they have more in common than their favorite song. Sean seems like Kelly’s perfect match, but her guilt is tearing them apart. Kelly must find her own way forward—before the battle she wages with herself destroys every- thing she had never even dared to dream . . . ~34,000 words

• Language: English
• Publisher: sea hag books
• Release date: Aug 31, 2021
• ISBN: 9781005587116

Book preview

1

Kelly dug through her paint pots, searching for just the right color. She shifted aside taupe and tangerine, cerulean and chartreuse, finally locating a small jar of perfectly blended magenta. A few daubs of this and her landscape would be just about complete. It was good timing, too, because the client who had commissioned this particular piece was getting antsy. She turned to her canvas, regarding it thoughtfully. Just a light touch, she decided, and dipped a tiny brush into the paint.

When she was done, she rocked back on her heels. It looked finished. It felt finished. But she would give it a day to see how it sat with her, and then she could pack it up and ship it out.

It was a dark landscape, and the magenta streaks gave it an eerie tinge, almost alien. It looked very out of place in her crowded studio awash with bright afternoon sunshine. The glass doors at the far end were open to the deck, letting in a slight breeze, and she thought about stepping outside for a few minutes. She could even sit there with a glass of wine, watching the world around her.

It wasn’t that she didn’t have the time. It was just that she still found it difficult to let loose and enjoy herself. Somehow, she didn’t feel like she quite deserved it.

Quiet ringing interrupted her train of thought. She set down her paint pot and brush, wiped her hands on her jeans, and rummaged through the mess of paint, brushes, cleaner, rags, and reference sketches on the table where she thought she might have tossed her phone. When the phone was still ringing after the seventh, eighth, ninth ring, she knew it must be her best friend calling. Nicole was the only person who had the patience to wait while Kelly searched. Even Eric, Kelly’s husband, had never . . . ah!

She finally located her phone beneath a cascade of sketches. Sure enough, her best friend’s name was on the screen. Hey, Nicole, what’s up?

Guess who’s playing at the Vesper tonight? Nicole said, without so much as a hello. Before Kelly could answer, Nicole rushed on: Sean. Page.

Sean Page? Kelly echoed.

Yes! You know, Sean Page, lead singer of Since Amy, only our favorite band of all time.

Kelly knew. And although it made her feel incredibly foolish, her heart had started racing. How she could still have a huge crush on him was baffling, and a little embarrassing.

I thought they weren’t playing anymore, Kelly finally said, a bit faintly.

It’s not the whole band. It’s just Sean, an acoustic thing, a couple of other local bands. I think it’s for charity or something. You’re going to come, right?

I don’t know, I’ll have to think about it. Short notice and all.

Think about it? Nicole exploded incredulously. "You love Sean Page."

I’ve just got a lot going on right now, with the exhibition coming up.

Kelly Elizabeth Nash, you are not using that exhibition as an excuse. It’s not for another six weeks. Come on, Kel, she added in a softer voice, don’t stay home by yourself all weekend again. Come out to the show with me. We will have so much fun, and it’ll be good for you.

Kelly sighed.

Fun? How can I go have fun when—she cut herself off with a shake of the head. Tried to remember what Nicole was always telling her: she deserved to live her life, and to fill it with as much joy as she could. No matter what.

All right, Kelly said. You’re right, it will be fun.

So much fun! I’ll come pick you up in a couple of hours.

Wait, what about tickets?

Already bought ‘em, Nicole said, amusement evident in her voice.

I should have known, Kelly said with a reluctant smile. I’ll see you soon.

She clicked off and tossed her phone back on the table. She could probably use a shower, but she wasn’t going out to impress anyone tonight. Still, she had a couple of hours to kill. Perhaps she would have that wine after all.

Kelly stepped into her kitchen and pulled a half-empty bottle of chardonnay out of the fridge. She poured herself a glass and took a sip, scratching her cat Tika absently between the ears.

She and Nicole hadn’t been to a Since Amy concert since before . . . well, for years. Their mutual adoration of the crashy, soulful rock band was what had cemented their friendship all the way back in high school. From the very beginning, Sean Page’s voice and his lyrics had imprinted themselves on her soul, and many of the songs had taken on more complex meanings for her as she grew older.

A few years ago the band had announced they were going on an indefinite hiatus. It had been just one more little blow to Kelly in a year when everything else was already going to hell. Since Amy’s breakup was the cherry on top of that particular sundae.

Abruptly, Kelly strode back into her studio and slid the door closed behind her. She was going to sit out on her second-floor deck and she was going to look at the ocean, and she was going to relax, damn it, if it killed her.

Mostly what happened was that her mind wandered to sad places and she had to consciously drag her attention back to the waves. But after a few rounds of that, it did become easier. Maybe there was something to that mindfulness stuff after all.

The fog started to roll in and a chill crept into the air. Kelly rubbed her bare arms, debating whether to go in and grab a sweater when Nicole pulled into her driveway.

Door’s open, Kelly called down to her, then walked back inside to meet her.

As usual, Nicole looked stunning. Her honey blonde hair was cut in an asymmetrical bob, highlighting sharp green eyes and a smattering of freckles. She wore a sparkling purple cocktail dress that Kelly thought was a bit much, though it looked fantastic.

You have to change, said Nicole.

Hi, Kelly replied, pointedly.

Hi. You have to change.

Why? Kelly looked down at herself. Her jeans were clean . . . mostly. Her shirt was a bit paint-splattered, but, Kelly reasoned, it would be dark, wouldn’t it?

The Vesper is a nice club.

So? It’s San Francisco. I could come in barefoot and topless or dressed in a gorilla suit. No one cares.

Come on, I’ll feel really overdressed if you don’t change.

Kelly rolled her eyes. Nicole got what Kelly considered an indecent amount of pleasure from shopping her friends’ closets and dressing them up like dolls. But she didn’t feel like playing along tonight. She just wanted to be comfortable.

Can we just go? We’ll be late.

Not the way I drive, sang Nicole, but she took a long look at Kelly. At least put on a clean shirt, will you? And do something with your hair. And, she called as Kelly started toward her bedroom, a little makeup never hurts.

Don’t push your luck, Kelly called over her shoulder. She stripped off her shirt and tossed it on the floor, gave her armpits a quick sniff, and plucked one of her favorite shirts out of a drawer: long-sleeved, with a sleek, cream-and-red striped pattern that went with everything. It wouldn’t be fancy enough for Nicole, but at least it matched her red sneakers.

As an afterthought, she snagged an elastic for her hair, yanking and twisting it up in a rough updo before following Nicole out to her car.

Find us some tunes, Nicole suggested, and the girls grinned at each other. Kelly plugged in her phone and chose Since Amy’s debut EP, January, just as Nicole knew she would do. They loved listening to January on their way to Since Amy concerts. It was a tradition, as was going out on the town afterward until their ears had stopped ringing.

The atmosphere at the Vesper was incredibly relaxed compared to most concerts they had been to. Since Amy concerts were usually high-energy affairs with lots of jostling to get up near the stage—something Kelly and Nicole had once engaged in just as furiously as anyone else. But there was no standing room at the club tonight, and no one seemed in a particular rush to sit. Most were at the bar, four people deep, so Kelly and Nicole had their pick of the tables and grabbed a two-top near the front of the hall.

A few local groups opened the show: a Pinoy rapper backed by an eight-piece orchestra, a whispercore band whose lead singer wore her hair in a cascade of blonde ringlets, an all-girl punk band, and a nouveau American folk outfit complete with banjo, fiddle, and a cowbell that managed to not sound goofy.

When Sean Page finally appeared on stage, his gaze roamed over the crowd. As he turned toward their table, Kelly was almost certain their eyes met for a moment. She felt the punch of his gaze, so intense, although he was outwardly radiating coolness. He looked damned good. Time had been very kind to Sean Page, who hardly looked older than when she’d first started following Since Amy.

The show was way better than Kelly had been expecting. She had assumed that some of the band’s usual frenetic energy would be absent with only Sean on stage, without anyone to play off of, but she found that tonight, in this space, she didn’t miss it. Sean’s voice was smooth, and she really enjoyed the more intimate sound of some of Since Amy’s best songs in all their acoustic splendor. When he had finished his set, he pulled the microphone a bit closer.

I want to thank you all for coming out tonight. Thanks to your generosity we are able to make a ten thousand dollar donation to Arrow House, a shelter and resource center for homeless queer youth. I will be personally matching that, along with any donations made in the next ten days, so tell your friends. I’d like to play one more song for you tonight, one that is especially close to my heart. This one was never formally released, so it might be new to some of you.

Kelly’s heart was suddenly thundering. Since Amy had only, as far as she knew, recorded a few