Cheated: Diary of Affair

By Tamika Bartley

That woman or man, who is trying to avoid an affair, has had an affair, going through an affair, or recovering from an affair. A single woman, married woman, or single man. Basically, anyone who can see themselves in a committed relationship at one point or another. I used to dig up wells looking for books that affirmed my feelings. I found ones that told me the right thing to do, I found others that gave me tips, but I never read anything that conveyed exactly how I felt, the ugly, evil, quitting feelings. I journaled through one of the most grievous moments of my life. You will see the journal entries are raw and has errors. I didn't omit or withheld because of that. What I wrote is what I needed and hopefully this will prove true for someone else. Although they were not completely angelic, I realized it's normal, I'm still sane, and God is still God.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Aug 28, 2021
• ISBN: 9781667801889

Book preview

7/25/11

But everything exposed by light becomes visible and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. Ephesians 5:13

8/22/11

I woke up prepared to purchase a car in preparation for my apartment move. About one month after the affair I was confused still but I knew I needed to separate myself from Damico. I needed space to think and get some clarity. I was so hurt I really couldn’t differentiate God’s voice from my own, the enemy, friends, or the past of my divorced parents. Between the many thoughts going on in my head I cried so long and so hard my body wouldn’t even tremble any longer. I was still, paralyzed, a statue, with silent tears.

As I put my mascara on I looked at myself in the mirror, once again, watching the perfectly placed liner become a messy blur because my tears were swelling again under my lids. I ONLY THOUGHT to myself, I need a spiritual mother to tell me what to do because I’m too confused to make a decision for myself. I cleaned myself up, straightened my back, and headed out the door for a day of car shopping.

Valencia’s mom, Mrs. Trulah, calls me as soon as we pull up to the dealership to sign the papers. I’ve only met her once, at her daughter’s wedding.

Mrs. Trulah: Hello, how are you?

Me: Hi, I’m really doing the best I can right now.

Mrs. Trulah: Baby I know we haven’t met but once but as I’m riding with my daughters I must tell you that I know what happened to you was wrong. You must remember whoever is spiritually stronger in the situation is responsible for holding up the weaker one because of the maturity that exists in that area. You would want your husband to do the same for you.

She was right.

8/25/11

My heart is sore. You can literally place your hand on my chest and I would wince. I’m hurting. The pieces are trying to find their way back to formation but it’s not fitting so well because it’s completely shattered. Even though the heart still remains, every time it’s being touched again, it’s sore.

I’ve experienced tragedy but not an attack on my heart. I didn’t know love could both comfort and squeeze the life in and out of you. Life has offered happy moments. God has offered healing. I want them both. I want them both so bad. I want to hug ‘em, hold ‘em, and never let go but sometimes my heart is just so sore it can’t take it. There is no room left. I can’t love anything new or old in my life. I’m tired of stretching sometimes and I just want to be held.

8/28/11

Damico is giving it all he has. And I’m basically ⅓, ⅓, and ⅓ . A part of me is livid because I want to talk to my best friend but my best friend is the betrayer. The other part of me wants to hold him and encourage him to keep pressing because I see the weariness in his eyes. He’s so tired. He doesn’t know me the same anymore so it’s hard to read whether his efforts are even working. And then there’s this last piece that wants to kill him and then bring him back to life. It’s the part that makes me ponder what exactly can I do to ever repay him.

So here’s another way of Mico reaching out to rebuild what, in my opinion, is completely destroyed. He wants us to take a road trip to Great Wolf Lodge. As a family he says. Well, now that I know it won’t be just the two of us I agree.

And there you have it, another friend, Olivia, this time.

Olivia calls me. She has no idea what I’m going through. Plus, I’m not going to lie. I haven’t prayed in a while so I don’t even know my own mind frame.

Olivia: You are like Ruth, you chase God and are with God. Your character counts more than your circumstances. Even if she gathers among the sheaves, don’t embarrass her or rebuke her. Rather pull out stalks for her, bundles, and leave them for her. Ruth labored until evening, bit by bit.

Me: (teary eyed) Thank you Olivia.

Once I hang up, I hear so gently in my spirit:

Stay because in someone else’s field you may be harmed. Don’t seek to leave it will harm your destiny.

9/6/11

Mico arrived from his Indianapolis flight from his work trip. I picked him up about 15 minutes late.

The disturbance was written all over his face, each burrow in his forehead wanted to scream at me and because it couldn’t it just pierced me