Another Chance: SeoulMates, #2

By A. H. Alonso

A story about friendship, romance and second chances.

 

Once a Kpop idol in a group called Adam, CAIN was loved by many. He performed all over the world, won awards and his group often made it #1 on the charts. But as everyone knows, all good things must come to an end and his career is no exception. For 7 years he danced and rapped on stage, it was all he knew. He lived for that life and now without it he has nothing left to live for.

 

As someone that has never dated, LIBBY a 33 year old Autistic woman has lost all hope of finding love. Yet even though she given up on such a possibility, she has not yet given up on the possibility of becoming a mother, her lifelong dream. All it will take are some appointments at a fertility clinic and voila, she's pregnant! And it's all thanks to her anonymous sperm donor and the science of IVF.

 

The once girly girl SAM has traded her long hair, dresses and high heels for a pixie cut, too big clothes and sneakers. She had to if she wanted to escape her past and start a new life. Not only that but the way she looks now is a way to protect her from the thing she fears most, men.

 

In search of love and acceptance, ELI will do anything to receive what he lacked with his parents. Sure he might have been loved as a Kpop idol but that love was never really because of him but his music. Were he loved for himself those that had once called themselves his fans wouldn't have wanted him out of the music industry because of one mistake that he made.

• Language: English
• Publisher: A. H. Alonso
• Release date: Aug 25, 2021
• ISBN: 9798201478810

Book preview

Another Chance

A. H. ALONSO

CONTENTS

Copyright

Dedication

Author’s Note

1. Cain

2. Libby

3. Sam

4. Eli

5. Libby

6. Sam

7. Eli

8. Cain

9. Libby

10. Cain

11. Sam

12. Eli

13. Cain

14. Libby

15. Sam

16. Eli

17. Libby

18. Cain

19. Sam

20. Eli

21. Libby

22. Cain

23. Sam

24. Eli

25. Cain

26. Libby

27. Sam

28. Eli

29. Cain

30. Libby

31. Eli

32. Sam

33. Libby

34. Eli

35. Cain

36. Sam

37. Libby

38. Eli

39. Cain

40. Sam

41. Libby

42. Cain

43. Eli

44. Sam

45. Cain

46. Eli

47. Sam

48. Libby

49. Eli

50. Sam

51. Cain

52. Libby

Acknowledgements

About The Author

This is a work of Fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Copyright: © 2021 A. H. Alonso

ISBN:

To all the Kpop stars, the ones that were, are and are to be

Author’s Note

I wrote this book as a Kpop fan for 12 years. In that time I have seen what idols go through (or at least part of what they do). A lot of them have Depression and yet us fans don’t even know it until sometimes it’s too late and they end their life. On the outside Kpop may look glamorous and the idols may seem happy but behind those smiles we can’t really know what’s going on. As someone that has had Depression I can say for certain that we don’t always show how we truly feel and many times act like everything is okay, all for the sake of others. So through this book I wanted to show what those on the outside aren’t able to see and as dark as it may seem, this is what life is really like. Not everything is rainbows and sunshine. With every smile there’s always a pain that’s hidden that’s just never brought to light because we hold it in and suffer on our own but we have to know that there will always be someone for us. And even if you don’t think it, you’ll always have another chance.

1.  CAIN

The music is off, the lights are off, the stage is bare and the cheers are no more. It feels like it was just yesterday when our music video hit 30 million views within 24 hours. But it wasn’t yesterday, it was four years ago. So when did things start to go wrong? Well I really shouldn’t blame anyone as these things happen to every Kpop group and not just my own. It however all started when Abel left the group two years ago. Our 7 year contract hadn’t even expired but he decided the idol life was no longer for him as he found a new passion, something he loved more than his career as an artist. And again, I shouldn’t blame him because I too would have done the same if only four years ago Abby would have said it was me she liked instead of Abel.

With one of the members getting married, it started to worry fans that others in the group would also have a secret relationship. They even started to look into each of our Instagrams and past videos just to see if they could find any clues of any of us dating. Most of the time all it would take was one small interaction with a female idol and suspicions would arise. Fans just couldn’t bear the thought of us not being fully devoted to our careers that they decided to leave the fandom and stan other groups, ones that were younger and had less chances of dating or getting married.

Of course the ideal idol is always single and in reality we all were except for three of the members, two of which were dating each other. As they were already shipped by the fans, Lucas and Simon were able to get away with dating. Seth on the other hand had a relationship that was hidden for years and that infuriated the fans. He didn’t go public about it until after the group’s disbandment but the fans still saw it as a sort of betrayal for having lied to them the whole time. Just like it doesn’t take much to make fans happy, it also doesn’t take much to anger them.

We only really lasted two more years after Abel’s departure because of Lucas and Simon. As CasMon was the most popular ship in the group, it was like a yaoi fanfic come true to the fans. There were a few that didn’t support same sex relationships but while we lost those fans, we gained new ones. Fans of other groups started to listen to us simply because two of our members were a couple. It was after all something that had never been seen in a Kpop group. We made headlines, or more like Lucas and Simon did. EVE was happy as it was basically free publicity. Normally a 5 year old group would start to lose popularity but we were gaining some. So if it was all going well, what went wrong? What caused a #1 ranked Kpop group to disband all of a sudden?

An accident and a scandal, that was all it took. Had it just been one or the other, the group might have still been able to go on with 6 members but two incidents within the same month was just too much. The company no longer wanted us and neither did the fans. We were a broken group to them. We were disposable. With our 7 year contract already expiring, there was nothing we could do. Normally we would have been given the opportunity to sign a new contract, one that was for three more years but we weren’t given that chance. With Josiah no longer able to perform due to an ankle injury that left him with permanent damage and Eli who was caught drunk driving, we weren’t worth it anymore. Dozens of trainees were waiting to debut so why put in any more money into an old group that caused so many problems?

For two years I trained and for seven I performed, that’s nine years of my life and what did it all amount to? Nothing, that’s what. Almost a third of my life was wasted. At the age of 25 I should be settled with a career, a house and a family but instead I’ve become a disappointment and a sad excuse of a life. Because of this one thing I chose, I now have nothing. It may sound overdramatic but dancing and rapping were my everything. I lived to perform, to be on stage so if I can no longer do either, what am I living for? While I try to come up with an answer, I take a drink from my third glass of soju.

That’s Cain and Eli isn’t it? Two young female voices whisper at the table behind me.

They look horrible, right? I never imagined them as the type to get drunk. I just hope Eli doesn’t drive drunk again.

I turn around and see they look no older than me.

You still care about him? One of them asks.

Heck no. That boy lost my love once he crashed into that pole. Just think about it, that pole could have been a person. And if he drunk drives again, this time a pole might not be there but a person instead. It could be my mom, my grandma, my sister or even yours. Then that would not only make him a drunk but a murderer as well.

I wonder how Eli feels about two people talking about him like this. I turn around to see him. His face is hard to read but he has a tight grasp on his shot of vodka and that could only mean he too is overhearing their whispers.

You’re right. We should tell the bartender to watch out for those two, make sure they get a taxi and not drive on their own.

Ha! As if you two bitches were any better! With a slam of his shot, Eli is up. He wobbles but he is up. You’re both at a bar past midnight and wearing those tight mini skirts that barely cover your ass!

I notice people looking our way, some with their phones out, most likely recording the whole thing. I pull at Eli to get his attention. Stop. People are looking at us.

Well let them look! It no longer matters! He waves his arms in the air. It’s not like we’re idols anymore! We can do whatever the heck we want! Why?! Because we’re just like them now, nobodies!

Sir, I’m going to need you to calm down or I’ll have to escort you out. A short bulky bald man, most likely a security guard, walks over to us.

Escort me out?! Me?! Did you hear that Cain?! This man wants to escort me out!

Instead of answering Eli, I take another sip of my soju. Even though lately I’ve been going out to drink more, I never really drink anything stronger than soju. Unlike Eli who always likes to drink the stronger stuff, I find it’s better to not get so drunk that I’ll end up passing out on the street. Because it does happen, more specifically to Eli. Not only has it been once or twice that Josiah and I have found him passed out on the street but it’s been multiple times. It's always either outside this bar or in front of his apartment building. It’s why we had to tell the bar owner and security guard at his apartment complex to call us whenever he’s drunk. Considering how he’s acting right now, it would be best to call Josiah. He might have been the youngest out of all of us but he’s probably the most reliable. It's truly sad what happened to him. I know he loved being an artist as much as I did yet somehow he seems to be handling things a lot better than I am.

After yelling some more, Eli passes out and there’s no longer a need for someone to escort him. I however can’t leave him with his face planted on a bar’s table so I drag him out. Luckily it doesn’t take long for Josiah’s red Ferrari 488 Pista to pull up at the bar’s curbside.

Still groggy but at least somewhat conscious, Eli wakes up, making it easier to get him into the backseat of the car which is covered with towels. Just like always Josiah came prepared. It’s really no surprise though as this has become a routine by now.

So what will it be this time? Haejangguk? Heotgae? Or Gyeondyo? Josiah asks as soon as I’ve put on my seatbelt.

It's always either hangover soup, a recovery drink or hangover ice cream on nights like these. It’s too hot for haejangguk so either the heotgae or gyeondyo. I respond.

Gyeondyo it is then. He smiles and drives on.

Watching Josiah as he gets out the car and walks to the convenience store, I’m able to see the small limp on his left side. It’s hardly noticeable but it was enough to impair him from dancing. And each time I see that limp, it reminds me of how it was my fault. If only I hadn’t come up with such a dangerous choreography then Josiah might have still been able to dance and the group might have never disbanded. So really I’m the one to blame. The only reason I try to pretend it might have been because of Abel’s departure or Eli’s drunk driving is because otherwise I wouldn’t be able to live. But what does it really mean to live? Does just breathing constitute as living? I don’t think so. Because even though I’m breathing, I feel dead inside. So would there even be a difference if I were to really die?

At this point it’s the possibility of a heaven or reincarnation that gives me hope. I’m sure heaven is much better than living and reincarnation would at least give me another chance to start over. Whichever it is, it’s better than the life I have now.

Hey Josiah, what do you think happens to us after we die? Do you think there’s a heaven or do you think we reincarnate? I suck on the pink popsicle he got me, Eli passed out again so it looks like I’ll also be eating his.

Well I’m Catholic so I don’t really believe in reincarnation. I do believe in heaven though. Why do you ask though? He turns around to look at me just as he’s stopped the car in front of Eli’s apartment.

Just curious. I uhh—read this article online where they talked about both heaven and reincarnation. As much as heaven sounds nice, reincarnation would be sort of cool. Of course that’s only if our next life is better than our last... I however can’t imagine a worse life than the one I have. Sure there are other people that are worse off, either they’re sick or living in poverty but at least some of them still have a reason to live.

Well if reincarnation were real, I must have been a fennec fox in my last life.

This gets me to chuckle and I can tell it was his intention. Even though I rarely laugh anymore, Josiah is one of the few that still manages to lift up my spirits if only a bit.

And I think Eli must have been a drunkard in his last life. I take off my seatbelt and reach out to take off Eli’s.

I think you mean in this life. Seriously though, he has a problem with drinking. We should probably get him some help. Josiah goes in to grab Eli but I push him aside before he’s able to.

I know that with his limp he’s not able to carry as much weight as before. He saids it doesn’t hurt but I can’t stop thinking he’s lying so it won’t make me feel bad.

He wasn’t always like this though. I slide Eli onto my back. I wonder what changed.

It seems like we all have our own demons, things we battle with. Some of us just hide it better than others. I myself try to make myself look as normal as possible. All it takes is a fake smile and people don’t know what I’m really feeling inside. I’m certain not even Josiah would believe I’ve had thoughts of suicide these past few months.

You remember last week when I told you I picked Eli up at the bar? Josiah shuts the door of the car and follows behind me. I actually asked him why he drinks so much and he told me it’s because it makes him forget.

Forget what?

I'm not sure, he passed out after saying that.

I’ll try to ask him next time he’s drunk. I say this although I’m not sure if there will even be a next time.

2.  LIBBY

6,863 miles and 9,212 miles, they’re the distances Sam and I had to travel in order to meet in person for the first time. Her from Colombia and me from New York. Although we could have traveled a lot less (3,476 miles to be exact), there was something we both had been wanting for years and that’s to start a new life. And what better place to do so than in the city of Seoul, the home of our beloved idols. At the age of 33 and 29 we’re older than most fans but in our defense we’ve been listening to Kpop since we were in our teens, way before the music was even popular. It was the year 2009 at the time, I was 17 and Sam was 13. We didn’t know each other then but there was this thing we both loved that would one day connect the two of us. Because that’s how we became friends, through a group we both liked. They’re disbanded now but they’ll always have a special place in our hearts just like all the other disbanded groups will.

Kpop is however not the only thing I like about this country but everything in general. The culture, the language, the scenery, it’s all just so beautiful. It’s why lying here for the past year has been like a dream. And now that my best friend of 11 years is coming to live with me there really isn’t anything more I could ask for. Well there is this one other thing but it’s pretty much already a given. I do however owe a big thanks to everyone that made it possible for it wasn’t always that single women could get an IVF done here in Korea. It was a long battle for all those women that wanted to become mothers but in the end they were able to gain victory and it’s because of that I was able to get an appointment at a fertility clinic. The day after tomorrow is when I’ll meet with Dr. Kim for the first time and I can’t wait! Well literally I’ll have to as I have no other choice but what really can’t wait is Sam’s arrival at the airport.

I check my watch and see it’s 4:30. The plane is set to land at 6, the same time I have dinner. I doubt there will be anything I can eat at the airport so I’ll have to eat a bit later, something I don’t usually do but I’ll have to make an exception for today. Were I not trying to be healthy I would skip dinner but as I’m hoping to become pregnant it’s important for me to eat all my meals and not go back to my previous weight. Just trying to gain 15 pounds once was hard enough, having to do it again would be a nightmare. It’s still somewhat hard to believe I would go up two sizes on purpose but thinking about it, my reason for it is enough to justify doing so. A woman that’s a size 0 and doesn’t get her periods is after all less likely to become pregnant, at least that’s what my doctor and Sam said. And since Sam is also a doctor, her opinion counts just as much.

As it only takes an hour to get to the airport, I still have 30 minutes left to do whatever I want. I however wish it were either more or less time as 30 minutes is not enough to watch an episode of a Kdrama but also too much time to watch a music video. It’s those bits of time in between things that I hate as not having something planned drives me crazy. And sure I could head out to the airport now and wait for the plane to arrive but if there’s anything I hate as much as not having enough time or having too much time to do something it’s being early to places and things. It always has to be at the exact time and it’s why I asked for my taxi to be here at 5:00.

Not being able to watch a Kdrama or music video, I decide to check the two extra bedrooms one last time. There’s the second master bedroom which is for Sam. I gave her the room that overlooks the park from across the street as I’m sure her six year old nephew and four year old niece would like to play there. Sometimes I consider Sam lucky for having become a mother so easily, not even going through the weight gain that comes with a pregnancy. But then I remember what happened for her to become her nephew’s and niece’s adopted mother and then I feel bad. I’m just glad I was able to be there for her when it happened. Although it wasn’t in person, she always said my video chats with her made her feel better. I really did want to go to Colombia to visit her though but at the time I was sick and dealing with my own problems. Luckily despite it all both our dreams came true and no it isn’t the move to Korea but that we both now have the careers we wanted, her an ER doctor and me an English teacher.

After checking Sam’s room, I go over to Damian and Esme’s which is across the hall. Unlike Sam’s room which I decorated all in her favorite color lavender, Damian and Esme’s is half blue and half pink. Sam wouldn’t tell me what they like as she didn’t want me to spend a lot of money but little does she know I have no control over myself once I go shopping. When I passed the children’s section in Ikea I just couldn’t help but buy all the Pororo stuff they had. At least I know Damian and Esme watch the animated series with the blue penguin as Sam told me it was how they were learning Korean.

Before leaving my apartment I debate on whether I should take my noise cancelling headphones or the bright orange earplugs which aren’t as good at blocking noises but at least don’t stand out as much. In the end I go with the earplugs because of course I want to blend in. If anything is going to make me stand out it’s the big bright neon pink sign I’m taking. It’s the only way Sam will be able to find me. Even though we’ve video chatted throughout the last eleven years, people always tend to look different in person and it’s why Sam and I also told each other what we would wear.

Since I want her to find me easily, I’m wearing a bright yellow knit sweater. It’s the only thing I’m wearing that stands out though as I have regular jeans on and white sneakers. I normally don’t dress like this as I prefer to dress more sophisticated to match with my profession but as it’s only to meet a friend, such an outfit should be fine. As for Sam, she told me she would wear a blue hoodie and dark jeans. With such an outfit I’m sure it will be hard to find her but at least the blue hoodie is better than the black one she originally told me she wanted to wear. And as not everyone travels with two kids, at least that should make it easier to spot her.

Latinos are known for talking loudly so when I hear her Colombian accent, I immediately know it’s her. She’s not as loud as me but still loud enough to hear even with my ear plugs on.

Dónde está la tía Libby? I hear a little girl’s voice but I can’t really see her.

Está más alta que tu ma? Now it’s a little boy’s voice but him I can actually see. With his sun-kissed skin and head full of dark curls, he looks so adorable.

Cómo voy a saber eso mijo? Sam takes the boy’s backpack and swings it on her back. Recuerda que es la primera vez que nos vemos. Solo sé que es más delgada que yo.

Am I taller than Sam? It doesn’t really look like it, I’m 5’4 and she looks to be a couple inches taller. Am I skinnier than her? That I am but in all honesty I’m skinnier than a lot of people so it doesn’t necessarily mean she’s big or anything like that. If I had to guess she’s probably around a size 6. The only reason I know this is because I’ve been every size in between 14 and 0 so at one point I was about the same size as her.

Señora Egas, cómo puede ser que aun no me haya visto? I cross my arms and take wide steps to get to Sam. She looks just like in the photos, a bit tanner than me and with a pixie cut similar to Anne Hataway’s. I don’t think I would be able to pull off such a haircut but on her it looks good. Part of the reason is because Sam has this androgynous look to her so she could go with either a long hairstyle or short and it would look fine on her. Just four years ago she had it long but after the incident she cut it and has kept it short ever since.

Hay pues es que esta tan chiquita. Mira como estas. Si ha comido bien como le dijo su doctora, verdad? She lowers her glasses and looks at me in all seriousness.

If anyone has bothered me the most about gaining weight it’s Sam. I know she only does it because she cares but sometimes it feels like she doesn’t trust me enough, at least with how I take care of myself. Pues claro. Usted ya sabe que tengo razón suficiente para seguir las órdenes de mi doctora, y eso incluye las órdenes de mi amiga que también es doctora.

Y para cuando es su cita?

My appointment for the IVF? I ask in Korean as somehow I’ve grown more used to it over the past year. It’s a good thing Sam is just as fluent as I am. We both started learning the language around the same time so we were even able to practice with each other when we first started.

She nods.

It’s the day after tomorrow.

Y ya tiene donante?

I shake my head. Of course I would be too shy to ask any of the guys I know to give me some of their sperm, it will have to be an anonymous donor from the sperm bank.

Entonces va usar el esperma de un extraño? She raises an eyebrow at me.

Esperma? Is that sperm? Even though I’m fluent in Spanish it doesn’t mean I recognize each and every word.

Yes, it’s sperm.

Entonces si. I nod. I’ll still get to pick from a list though so it’s not like I’ll be randomly given any guy’s sperm. The list will tell me a bit about each donor such as their physical appearance, occupation and hobbies.

Ah que bueno. Pues escoja bien. I would go with you but I have to report to work starting tomorrow.

Tomorrow? So soon? Will you need me to take care of Damian and Esme? I had already told her I could help take care of them whenever she needed me to, so long as it isn't during my working hours of course.

Well the hospital was able to get me in contact with a school. They’ll start going there tomorrow. I will really only need you to pick them up and watch them for like 2 or 3 hours.

Ma donde esta nuestra escuela? Esme who looks just like a mini version of Sam pulls down on her hoodie. The only difference between the four year old girl and her aunt is that she’s dressed in more livelier colors and has two pigtails that reach past her shoulders.

Está cerca del trabajo de tia. Sam grabs onto her niece and carries her up.

They’re comfortable speaking Korean, right? I never really asked her before but I know for certain it will be hard for them to fit in if they don’t speak the same language as the other kids.

Yea but they’re just like me, they prefer to speak Spanish. I’m sure they’ll get used to speaking Korean though. They actually picked it up quite fast. It’s all thanks to that little blue penguin they’ve been watching.

Speaking of which, I have a surprise for Damian and Esme back at the apartment.

Una sorpresa? Damian’s eyes sparkle at hearing the word surprise along with his name. He’s still holding on tightly to one of Sam’s hands and I can tell he really thinks of her as his mom. Knowing this makes me smile as it’s nice to know these two little angels who lost both their parents at such a young age still have someone that can love and care for them as much as a parent would.

Si pero primero vamos a comer, de acuerdo? I look down at Damian and take a hold of his other hand.

He nods in agreement and we take a taxi van to my favorite restaurant, the one that’s owned by Abel’s in-laws. I’ve always gone there in hopes of running into one of Adam’s members but so far I’ve had no luck. I haven’t even been able to see Abel’s wife. I did however once saw their one year old son running after his grandma as she took orders. The little guy looked just like his dad, he even had the same cute freckles.

3.  SAM

Were I in Colombia I would be in bed and not about to have dinner at some Mexican restaurant. I wasn’t even able to sleep on the plane as I had to watch Damian and Esme so if there’s anything I want to do right now it’s to sleep and not eat. I however notice how happy Libby seems as we enter the crowded restaurant. And if there’s anything I should be encouraging her to do is to eat, as much as she can. I know she’s been trying hard to do so this past year and so far she seems to be doing okay. Still I can’t help but worry she’ll relapse, it’s happened in the past after all, not only once but twice. As soon as she sees herself start to gain too much weight she becomes scared and starts starving herself. She wants to stay at this ideal weight and ideal size that she sometimes doesn’t realize she’s hurting herself. I’m just glad she now has a reason to take better care of herself.

Looking at the menu, I’m unable to recognize the majority of the dishes. I’ve never eaten Mexican food but I’ve heard it’s usually spicy and I’m not really a fan of spicy. Luckily most of the dishes come with the salsa on the side and not already on the actual food.

Deciding on the least spicy and most familiar, I order a big plate of nachos for Damian and Esme to share. As for me, I order a carne asada quesadilla. I turn around to ask Libby what she wants but she’s no longer by my side. Did you see where tia went? I look down at Damian and Esme who are both sharing my tablet. They’re watching The Lion King, their favorite movie so neither of them respond.

Busca a la señorita que estaba con usted, cierto? A Latino man with white hair that just came out of the kitchen points to the right.

I turn in the direction and see Libby smiling as she bounces on her toes. She looks just as giddy as Damian and Esme when I’m about to give them their favorite snack and as the waiter that was standing next to her walks away, I’m able to see why. Sitting at the table she’s standing by are two familiar figures with a pregnant woman and a toddler. The woman and toddler I don’t recognize but the guys I do, they’re Abel and Joel. If I remember correctly Joel was Libby’s bias. I didn’t really stan Adam but she always talked to me about them. Running into her bias at such a place must be a dream come true for her. She did always want to go to their concerts but couldn’t as extremely loud noises tend to bother her.

Ella viene frecuentemente. Quería ordenar algo para ella, verdad? Siempre ordena lo mismo, fajitas de pollo. Le sirvo un plato? The Latino man places two plates of food on the counter.

Of course Libby would pick one of the healthiest things on their menu. Grilled chicken with bell peppers don’t tend to have a lot of calories, at least not as much as the other foods here. Si por favor. I nod and reach for my quesadilla and plate of nachos. It doesn’t look like she will be coming back anytime soon as she’s chatting so animatedly with her bias. For someone that tends to be socially awkward around strangers she sure seems comfortable around Joel.

It’s when I’m halfway through eating my quesadilla that Libby returns. I purposefully sat at a table where she would see me.

Guess what?! She slams her hands on the table and leans into me as if she were about to tell me a secret, her voice is however too loud for that.

Yea I know, you met your bias. I wave a hand at her and take another bite of my quesadilla. Unlike her I actually like to eat my food while it’s still hot.

Not that dummy. Did you not see the belly on Abel’s wife?

Yea. She probably ate a lot of tacos, something YOU should be doing. I push her plate of food to her.

No silly, she’s prego. Libby giggles. Did you know that’s an Italian word? It means you’re welcome but people sometimes use it to refer to pregnancy. Funny, isn’t it? Well I’m going to be prego too soon. Don’t you think it’s cool that I’m going to be pregnant at the same time as Abel’s wife? Our kids could even end up being friends!

Yea, I guess that’s sort of cool.

It’s somewhat surprising that after only two years of marriage they’re already having a second child but I guess at the same time it isn’t as Abel’s wife is around Libby’s age. At that age you can’t really sit around and wait if you want kids, it’s why Libby decided to go another route to become a mother. She’s never dated before and doubts she ever will, her best choice was to get an IVF. So are they having a boy or a girl? With Libby it’s always easier if I give her a way to continue a conversation and the best way to do that is to ask her a question.

They said they don’t know yet. She frowns. They want to wait until the gender reveal party to find out. Do you think I should also have a gender reveal party?

If you want to. I shrug. I could plan it for you if you’ll like.

I wonder if my coworkers would go though... She scratches her chin and looks down at her food. She’s still standing and that can only mean she’s hesitant about eating.

Usually coworkers do. It would probably be best to tell them ahead of time though just so they won’t make other plans.

You’re right. I’ll tell them tomorrow.

Woah! No! That’s WAY too soon. You’re not even pregnant yet. You have to wait at least a few months. How about I’ll tell you when to tell them instead?

Relax Sam, I was only joking. She pulls out the chair in front me and sits. Of course I know I have to be pregnant first and then there’s the fact I’ll have to wait 18-20 weeks to be able to know the baby’s gender.

It looks like you did your research, that’s good. You however forgot something.

What’s that?

Considering how she prepared not only a room for me but one for Damian and Esme, I would have thought she prepared one for the baby but not once has she mentioned anything about preparing a nursery. I know it’s still too soon as she’s not yet pregnant but when she offered me two rooms at her apartment, I don’t think it crossed her mind that she would need one of those extra rooms.

Where’s the baby going to sleep?

With me of course. Libby smiles and flips her long brown hair.

A baby can’t sleep in the same bed as you, you know that right?

Geesh Sam, not you too. I may be Autistic but I’m not stupid. I know the baby has to sleep in a crib. I just meant I’ll have the crib in my room.

Sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you. I just thought it might be nice if the baby had his or her own space, like a nursery you know?

Yea but it’s not totally necessary until they’re older. Perhaps once the baby starts to walk I’ll look into buying a house. What do you think of a four bedroom in Incheon? It’s the suburbs but it’s only an hour away from Seoul. It’s also close to the coast so there’s a lot of beaches, you know how much I love the beach. I just wish I could have gotten married in one...Those beach weddings in movies always looked so romantic. She sighs and takes her first bite from her food.

I’m about to answer her when a shadow looms from behind, I turn around and am startled to see Joel. With a wide grin on his face, he holds out a card to Libby. You said you wanted the address to where I work, right? Well here it is. I’m usually there from 10-1 Monday-Friday, just ask for JoDaddy and one of the guys will get me. There’s a strong musky smell as he pulls away, most likely from his cologne.

Uhhh...What was that about? And did he just say JoDaddy? I raise an eyebrow at Libby who now has a smile as wide as Joel’s as she holds the card to her chest.

His stripper name really suits him doesn’t it?

Stripper?! I spit out the sip of coke I just took. It gets all over the table but luckily not on my clothes. I’ve however gotten the attention of Damian and Esme as they’re laughing while pointing at the mess I’ve made.

Ma, what’s a stripper? Esme looks up at me with her big olive green eyes, they’re the same color as her mom’s. It’s unfortunate Esmeralda never got to see her daughter that looks so much like her, she died even before she got to hold her. The doctors told her it was a dangerous pregnancy at her age, she was 40. They said it was better for her to get an abortion as her own health wasn’t all that good to begin with. She however insisted on having her little girl, the sister Damian so badly wanted and the daughter she and my brother had longed for. If only she would have done what Libby is about to do. An IVF with a surrogate would have surely saved her life.

Isn’t a stripper someone that strips something? Like at the hotel we stayed at last Summer in Argentina, there was a woman that came and stripped the sheets off our beds, was she a stripper ma? Now it’s Damian that looks up at me. He looks just like his father, my brother. The same dark curly hair, the same hazel eyes and the same mole under his left eyebrow. Because of their similarities there’s not a day that goes by where I’m not reminded of what happened to his father and that it was my fault he died.

Oh no dear, that’s just a cleaning lady. A stripper is—

I clear my throat before Libby is able to finish her sentence. A stripper is someone that gets paid to make people happy, that’s what a stripper is.

Well I guess you’re sort of right in a way. Libby pats me on the back and leans in to whisper. Can we go tonight pretty please? Damian and Esme will be asleep by then so it’s no problem for us to go.

I quickly turn to her and see her making these puppy dog eyes. You already know how I feel about such things. And I can’t really stop you from going but I would advise you not to. He said he works from 10-1, that’s awfully late for a woman to be out on her own.

If I could go with her I would because I know that when she wants to do something she does it no matter what. And I have no doubt guys would take advantage of her. She’s always been a little boy crazy so I can already imagine what a place like that would do to her.

Well you’re no fun. You’ll never get over your trauma if you don’t try, you know. Ever heard of exposure therapy? I saw an interview with Abel’s wife and she talked about her having faced her fears despite it being hard, in the end she got better.

It’s not just a fear Libby and you know that. So unless you want to see the biggest freak out I suggest you not insist I go.

You said that so long as they don’t touch you you’re fine. It’s not like you’ll get a panic attack from just seeing some guys. Just look around Sam, this place is full of guys and yet you’re fine.

Yea but they have clothes on. Now I’ll appreciate it if we stop talking about this please.

Fine but I’m still going. I’ll just ask one of my coworkers if they want to go with me. Libby takes out her phone and starts to text someone.

It’s been four years since I let a guy touch me, not after one forcibly did only to then kill my brother when he tried to stop him. I should have learned my lesson the first time but I was naive and thought things would be different with Ignacio. He did things Fernando never did. He even treated me better than I did myself so when things started to change with him, I thought it was my fault. I thought I had done something wrong and that I deserved to be treated the way he started to treat me. I stayed with him despite it all and my brother was the one that ended up paying for it with his life.

If only I wouldn’t have given Ignacio a chance when he first asked me out. If only I hadn’t opened up my heart to him. If only I would have taken my brother’s advice and focused on my studies. If only, the two words that often run through my head. I just can’t stop thinking about how my brother could still be here if it weren’t for my foolish mistakes. I may not be able to change the past but at least I still have control of my future.

Hey, you want some of my chicken fajita? I think it’s too much for me. Libby breaks me out of my thoughts just as I’m beginning to shake.

It may be a lot but bell peppers and chicken alone aren’t enough to make you full and you know that so finish it all. I push the plate closer to her.

But you’re already done eating your quesadilla, what will you do while I eat?

I’ll just get myself another one then. I get up and order one along with some beans.

Did you know a single flour tortilla has 140 calories? Libby asks as soon as I return to my seat. So two quesadillas make it 280 and that’s just for the tortillas alone. The cheese must be somewhere around—

Are you still counting calories? I thought she had stopped but perhaps I was wrong.

My psychologist wanted me to so she could see if I was still Anorexic but it sort of backlashed. The amount of calories only diminished each day as I was able to see numbers to what I was eating. So now I neither count calories or look at labels. I just eat what I feel like and so long as my size 2 jeans fit me, I’m fine.

You’ll start to gain weight once you’re pregnant though, are you okay with that?

She nods. I looked it up and women usually only go up a size or two when they're pregnant. So I’ll either go up to size 3 or 4 which is not really skinny but at least it’s not too fat.

A size four not too fat? Is she kidding me right now? If she thinks a size four is not too fat then she must think I’m a whale for being a size 6.

I could let you borrow my clothes if you want, that way you won’t have to spend money on new clothes. They might fit you a bit big but at least you’ll feel comfortable with the extra room.

No thanks. I appreciate the offer but I prefer tight-fitting clothes that don’t make me look even fatter than I already am.

Oh boy. This conversation just keeps getting worse. I wonder if she talks like this with her psychologist. Knowing her she probably doesn’t. Being Autistic only makes her better at masking herself so if she really wants she can act just as people expect her to.

And no offense but you also wear clothes that either my dad or my grandma would wear.

Wow. Well that was a bit rude but okay. It wasn’t like I always dressed like this. Clothes just started to become layers of protection for me after the incident. The more clothes that cover me, the more I feel safe. It’s why I not only wear long clothes that cover me fully but I also wear multiple layers, even multiple underwear just so it will be harder to take them off.

If I’m all covered up then there’s nothing to show, nothing a guy would see that would make him want to touch. And if I dress like either a man or a grandma, there’s no way a guy will look twice in my direction. With my hair short, some even confuse me for a man and I don’t correct them when they do. I just let them believe I’m a gender they’re not interested in. I’ve explained this to Libby but she doesn’t seem to fully understand my reasoning behind it all. Her motto is basically dress pretty, look pretty, be pretty. She’s even girlier than I was and I actually used to dress nicely.

4.  ELI

A disappointment, that’s what I am. First I disappointed my parents when I told them I wanted to be a Kpop idol instead of a doctor like everyone else in my family. They thought I was going to be like my older brother, obedient and submissive. I was however the complete opposite. My parents always asked where they went wrong with me. They believed they had given me everything but they were wrong. Sure they gave me everything money could buy but what I needed was not material things. Support, that’s all I ever needed, that and for my parents to be proud of who I was.